Today has ushered in Christmas. In the cusp of a blizzard, I warmed oat milk over the stovetop with Celtic Christmas music playing in the background. We pulled out all of the boxes of Christmas decorations from the garage and unwrapped the items one by one. The Christmas tree was re assembled, we strung lights across the branches and as we hung the ornaments waves of nostalgia flushed up my chest and neck. It’s lovely how we can become attached and sentimental about certain Christmas ornaments. The sight of them brings forth a flood of positive memories and emotions; the last remnants of previous Christmases already lived.
When I decided that I was in a place to create a home life stable enough to develop actual traditions, I decided that my Christmas tree would be themed. The theme I chose was food. Every ornament on my tree is a food ornament. Instead of ball ornaments, I have cupcake ornaments. Candy canes serve as a platform for decorative continuity and I have ornaments of nearly every food you can imagine. I have ornaments of sushi, cookies, french-fries, beer, wine, fruits, vegetables, pie, cake, noodle dishes, pizza, etc. Looking at it makes me happy. I love to sit in the dark and watch the Christmas lights reflect off of the various angles of the ornaments. It feels as if the Christmas spirit comes to life in the perfection of the slow glitter of the Christmas tree at nighttime. It makes my house feel warmer. I can’t get over watching Winter (my son) lay under the tree looking up into it with that look of wonder and anticipation. I used to do the exact same thing when I was little.
December is my favorite month of the year, because of the way that the feeling of Christmas writes itself across the month. I’m usually anticipating it and I’m usually prepared for Christmas before I even enter the month of December. Not this year. I have been so busy; I’ve done no preparation whatsoever. I don’t even know what I’m going to do for Christmas this year. It feels more stressful this year than exciting. I’m too excited and focused on my career. Adding anything extra on top of my schedule feels so overwhelming that it’s tempting to procrastinate.
My partner seems to be enjoying himself immensely. We went to the gym today. Being a lover of strength training, he taught me some strength building exercises and then he taught me the proper way to punch someone. I’m so sore and fatigued now that I don’t even want to think about getting off of this couch. I think it makes him rest easier to think that I will know how to defend myself if anything should happen when he is not in my immediate vicinity.
He is the first man I’ve been with that cooks, so we cooked an array of dishes together with Winter while we were forced to be inside due to the storm. The familiarity of being in this rather domestic role with him has made it very hard to relate to the idea that we just barely met under a month ago. The London trip feels like it took place months and months ago. It is always such a dynamic time in a relationship when two people are just barely learning how to mold to each other’s lifestyles and likes and dislikes. In some ways, having come from another country into this foreign environment makes the process of integration into a couple harder. But in some ways, it makes it easier. When you come from a foreign country into a brand new environment for the sake of love, your only familiarity is your lover. Your only foundation of stability is your lover and so, it forces a deeper level of connection and intimacy than would be created if there were other stabilizing safety mechanisms around to anchor to. It has been much easier than usual to set up the relationship as a “foundation” for both of our lives. Him only having me as an anchor here in this new place makes it so much easier to develop a “couple bubble”. I’m going to be explaining the idea of a “couple bubble” in a future blog or ask teal episode!
This relationship has my mind and heart on fire about relationships in general. I’ve been violently thrown from a life damaging relationship, capable of causing me to disbelieve in love, to a life giving relationship, capable of causing me to believe in love. This dramatic contrast is going to give rise to some brilliant new teachings, because it has caused me to question relationships like never before. I can’t wait to see what comes of all of this.