I found my inner child walking along the noisy hemline of a dry alfalfa field. I sat down with her in my lap and asked her why she was all alone. “It’s just me” she said, “Something in me that people see or feel that scares them like a ghost. Maybe no matter what I do, I am bad. I’m sad because no matter how hard I try, I can’t get rid of the thing in me that scares them and makes them hate me and makes them go away forever.”
I took this child to the ‘safe place’; a construct in my mind where I take all my inner children after rescuing them. I bathed her in a healing stream with apricot shampoo and promised her that it is all over now. She will never be alone again. She belongs with me. After drying her off, I had her pick out a satin duvet in the color of her choice. She chose one that is maroon red, the color of safety. I wrap her in it and sit in a chair overlooking the aspen trees, holding her like an infant on my lap. She feels frail and etheric to hold. She feels defeated. The tears magnify the pleading in her eyes. I know that this child has never been seen. Her internal world is a mystery to those around her, not because she is a mystery, but because the people in her life leave her inner world untouched and unmapped. She thinks there is something evil and bad about her… Something that renders her unlovable. So she is afraid to show people this inner world, for fear that it will make her lose the love of yet another person. But it is also what she is starving for most in the world. Helpless to create and maintain connection with others, she begs me to see her. To try to find what is so bad about her so she can understand. She begs with a look that is shrouded in silence.
I have developed a process, called the connection process; I have already shared it with the world. It is outlined in the bottom of this very blog. It has never occurred to me to use it on any of my inner children... Until today.
I began the journey into my inner child. Letting myself melt through the pupil of her eyes, the first thing I experienced was that the reflection of her eyes suddenly amplified and was trying to keep me out. This is the first wall. A fragile, reflective attempt to keep the inner world veiled and thus protected. Right under that was a layer of darkness, like the darkness of space. It held wisdom, but a wisdom that felt alien instead of occult. This is the part of her that is observing the world. A perspective that no one could relate to. It holds the feeling of another time-space reality and her, a foreigner in this one. I fell backwards through it as if slipping backwards through infinite space. I know she feels she is not part of this world. I feel myself land against something hard. It feels the same way a steel wall would feel if you bumped up against it in the pitch dark, not knowing it was there. I hear a woman’s voice in the dark, coming from the left. It is my mother’s voice. “I swear Teal, some day a mother ship is going to land in the field outside this house and it will all make sense.” There is a painful humor in the statement. She used to say that when she felt perplexed by me. Her voice echoes in the darkness in this space. I try to follow its movements and figure out what it is echoing off of exactly. It feels as if I am stuck. No idea how to progress. I surrender to the endedness. And then I fall through.
The floor has fallen out from underneath me. I am upside down, peering at a fantasy landscape. Down is up and up is down. It looks very much like the valley in the end of the movie 'The Dark Crystal'. The castle in the center is the same. Glowing white towers. The river that runs beside it is glimmering in the sun. I turn myself right side up and hear hoof beats approaching me. It is a white unicorn. The unicorn seems sad. She has large, almost cartoon like eyes. I think to myself, I get it; this is “The Last Unicorn” from the child’s movie. My inner child is showing me two movies that she identifies with. She is ‘Jen’ in The Dark Crystal. She is The Last Unicorn. I watch this lonely unicorn, who feels no sense of belonging. Her pearlescent fur covering the air of a broken heart beneath it’s splendor. She is spooked off by something. She disappears into the fern like pine trees and I turn around to see the fantasy scene being ripped apart. The ground beneath my feet being sucked into oblivion. A hungry storm, it is one I recognize. It is “The Nothing” from the movie ‘The Never Ending Story', yet another movie I related to as a child. Instead of running from it, I see that this is another wall. It is a wall trying to keep me out of an even deeper layer inside my inner child. It wants me to run. But I do not. I let myself be pulled into the nothing. Even though this is a kind of meditation, it elicits a reaction from my body like the one that would occur in real life just before you let yourself be consumed by a tornado.
I am in a cave. It is nearly pitch black. Just light enough that I can get a feel for the emptiness of the space. This layer is void. There is a timeless stuckness to this place. Like you could come here and be stuck here forever in a state of starvation for everything and everyone and no one would ever know. No one would even hear you scream. At first I thought this layer of emptiness was just a void within her. I knew instinctively that to get to a deeper layer, I had to walk in the direction that felt like I was going deeper into the void. My feet began to sink into the floor of the cavern. It was as if I was walking through little rivers of mud. I imagined a flashlight in my hand. I turned it on and to my shock, they were rivers of blood that had turned the floor of the cave soft. I got a shiver all through my body. And despite my fear, I hurried in the direction of the source of the blood flow. To my horror, I began to run into bodies scattered incrementally on the path. Some of them I recognized… my mother, brother and father among them. I started to feel like this void was turning into a layer of horror. All around me, I felt like I was being watched, no worse than that... tracked. I thought to myself, "Is this the darkness in me that people see and fear?" I sat down and began to cry with despair while looking at the collection of bodies, illuminated by the dim light of the flashlight. I succumbed to the loss and to the powerlessness I felt when It sank in that I could not undo what had been done. I felt like I wanted to let myself just give up if this is what it had come to. I was sobbing and suddenly, it was as if there were two voices sobbing instead of one. Taken aback, I stopped and held my breath. I turned around, expecting to find another horror. But what I saw was a pile of old and weathered wood, with a child behind it. I got up and went toward the woodpile. The child was an even younger inner child. She was terrified and dirty and curled up as if trying to hide. I reached out to her and she jumped into my arms without reservation as if I was the first lifeline she had touched in years. At that moment I got it… This was a trauma layer within her personality. This layer was my inner child's fear. And in my childhood, I was given good reason to fear it as the man who became my abuser, told me that this would be the outcome of anyone ever finding out about what he and I did together.
Her whimpering stopped and she pointed towards a little chest like box behind the wood pile. It was no bigger than a small jewelry box. She wanted me to open it. I grabbed the box and handed it to her to hold; but I felt that we had no time left to escape. I held this smaller inner child against my chest and ran deeper into the cave. We came to an ending. The cave simply dead ended and there was no escape. I felt disheartened and a bit panicked for a second. I realized this must be another wall. I looked down at this inner child and thought "we have to get out of here". So I took my foot and kicked the cave wall as hard as I could. I had so much desire backing the kick that the kick absolutely shattered the wall. The minute it shattered, the pieces of it began to be sucked outwards as if into a vacuum. I jumped into the vacuum and ended up in outer space moving forward. I was holding my inner child, walking on a clear glass pathway straight through the middle of space. Galaxies and stars and planets were gleaming through the safe, familiar blackness. I felt free and untouchable. I followed the pathway to a grouping of purple dust clouds that were thick enough to sit upon. I sat in them, overlooking the curved surface of a beautiful blue planet.
My inner child began to shift in my arms. She sat up on my lap and started pulling at the lock on the little chest I had handed to her in the cave. When she couldn’t open it, she handed it to me. I pulled at the lock with my teeth and when it gave way, I pried open the lid of the tiny chest with my fingers. When the lid opened, to my surprise, I saw a frail looking human heart. “Whose is this?” I asked. “Mine” she said. She pointed to her chest where there was a gaping hole that I felt ashamed I had not noticed before. She held it towards me and said, “I had to get rid of it because it was sad”. Like a stroke of insight, I understood… This box contains the thing that is bad within me… it is not evil nor malevolence that threatened people when I was young. It was my unhappiness. And so, my unhappiness is the thing that needed to be loved the most. It is not wrong or bad. With the impact of that insight, I felt like the phantom of this bad ‘something’ inside me I’d been carrying all my life (having finally been identified) vanished. I felt an unfamiliar but yearned for clarity in my adult body as it went.
“Can I have it back now? Can you bring it back to life? she asked. “Yes” I said. I took the heart from its box. It was cold and lifeless. I reached out instinctively towards a star in the distance and plucked it like a tiny flickering diamond from the sky. I dropped the star into the opening in the top of the heart, holding it upright so it would reach the center and when it did, like light beams through a window, streams of light pierced through the flesh of the heart. It was as if dropping it into the heart had caused a chain reaction; bringing both the star and the heart to life. It began to pulse in my hands. The flesh of it turned red and blue and warm against my hands. I had my inner child lie across my lap and I placed the heart inside the hole in her chest, waving my hand over the top of it so that her chest would close around the heart. She smiled and laid back. “I can go home now,” she said and just like that, she evaporated into thin air as if taken back to source.
I stayed for a time with the feeling of the clarity within me. For the first time in my life, not having that feeling that there was something bad and unlovable in me, I closed my eyes and felt myself melt into the feeling of being squarely in the vibration of the higher self. I had penetrated through.
So I came back to the safe place; to the child that I had journeyed into. Tears were rolling out of the corners of her eyes. I kissed her cheeks and told her “I see all of you and I will never stop seeing.” I held her close to me. Her relief sank into me and cradled us both in a kid of cocoon. I felt as seen as she felt seen. I felt as loved as she felt loved. And so I will end with this:
“Happy is he who still loves something he loved in the nursery: He has not been broken in two by time; he is not two men, but one, and he has saved not only his soul but his life.” – G.K Chesterton
The Connection Process:
- Choose a place with no distractions and sit down in front of one another cross-legged and across from each other. Take off all your jewelry; especially crystals, protective stones and leather. You want to be as naked a possible with the other, with no barriers between you. If you are doing this with a partner, it is best to literally do this naked.
- Loosely connect your hands or arms with each other in a comfortable and relaxed way.
- Close your eyes and begin to imagine or sense or feel you opening up each of your chakras from the base chakra to the crown chakra. And after a time, imagine or sense or feel yourself breathing in the other person’s energy through your mouth, but also through each one of your chakras, so you are drawing their energy deliberately into your core.
- Begin to imagine or sense or feel your separate sense of self, dissolving. In true connection, the ego (identity) ceases to exist. For some people, this and the steps to come will be a frightening experience. Because the ego often thinks that connection means that it will die. We have to quite literally decide that connection is more important than living and that connection is worth the risk of death. It takes immense bravery. We often have to decide that it is better to have connection and lose it than never to have it at all to be able to do this part of the exercise and the rest that is to follow.
- Look at each other directly in the eyes, deep into the pupil of the eye. It’s ok if you choose to focus on one specific eye or you can relax your gaze to look at both.
- We decide who is going first. Who will be the receiver and who will be the journeyer. The receiver is going to be the one who opens up for the other to spiritually enter them. The journeyer is going to spiritually venture into the receiver. The journeyer enters the receiver through the pupil of the eye as if sinking into a black hole. If you are really struggling letting each other in, lay or hold each other chest-to-chest so that the area just over each of your hearts is touching. Meditate for a time on the feeling of the energy between your hearts being exchanged as if they are beating energy into each other’s chests and then resume where you left off.
- The receiver focuses on inviting the journeyer in, breathing the journeyer in and imagining or sensing or feeling themselves open up to take them in. The receiver simply focuses on allowing, surrender and on the feeling of the journeyer’s presence entering them.
- The journeyer focuses on using their consciousness to penetrate deeper and deeper into the person, like a being that is exploring a foreign planet. Curiosity and non-judgment are crucial. The journeyer projects love and gratitude into the receiver as they move deeper and deeper. Conveying any messages mentally, emotionally or energetically that they feel would help the receiver to open up further or any message they feel the receiver needs to hear. These messages can be spoken in the mind or they can be spoken out loud. For example, if you run into a wall within a person that you feel is there because it doesn’t want to let something in that it may lose, you can say out loud to the receiver “I’m never going to leave you”. If you (the journeyer) are struggling with your own fear, it is an option to let go of your own self interest for a time and focus entirely on performing the journey in the interest of what the other person needs and meeting those needs. When this is the case, your ego sees you as the helper, which boosts your self-esteem and so the ego supports the mission instead of resists it.
- During this process, all of your walls or blockages (both the receiver’s and the journeyers) will come up. These walls are belief patterns and emotional patterns that have resulted from life trauma experienced by the receiver and yourself. Usually more walls come up for the receiver. These can be visual or mental or even just walls that you feel between you and the experience. You will both run into them. This is especially true because most people are multi layered, so as you enter into them you will experience layer after layer after layer. As you sink into deeper and deeper and deeper layers within them, some light, some dark, some positive feeling, some negative feeling you will find that in front of some of these layers, are energetic and emotional walls. When you encounter a wall within you or within the other person, your aim is to learn from it. The thing that breaks down walls the very best is awareness. You’ve got to know why the wall (which is a subconscious thing) is there. What is it trying to prevent? Why has it chosen this feel or appearance? Let your intuition speak to you and hand you insight about each wall that you encounter. Subconscious walls cannot withstand consciousness. They usually begin the dissolve once we are conscious of them and their purpose. You can then reassure the wall that it is ok to no longer exist and express your intentions for journeying deeper. Then imagine or sense or feel it dissolving in the way it needs to be dissolved. It’s a good idea if you are the journeyer to ask permission to go beyond the wall. Beware that some people will experience their walls being broken either by themselves or by the journeyer a trauma, and so these walls should be loved into non existence instead of broken. Some walls do not feel like walls at all, but more like funnels or plastic barriers or electric barriers. All of this is normal. If a wall absolutely does not want to come down, we need to honor that fact and allow it to be there instead of force our way in. But remember that if we cannot get past the wall, we can always ask the receiver to help us take it down and this will dissolve the wall.
- As you move through these layers and walls, the best way to get through them deeper and deeper is to melt through them as the journeyer and for you to let the other melt through them if you’re the receiver. You melt and allow melting by completely being willing to experience whatever sensations of feelings or sights you see. For example, if you experience numbness, you surrender to the experience of numbness and you settle into the numbness without resisting it at all. If fear comes up, be present with the fear, like you are keeping it company and are open to feeling it completely, letting it consume you even. You keep breathing as you welcome the experience. If you feel resistance, you simply breathe while you remain completely unconditionally present with the feelings you are feeling. In the absence of resistance to the experience, staying with the experience no matter what for as long as it takes, it is as if your soul has nothing to come up against and so it melts through one layer to the next to the next to the next. A person who is afraid of feeling their own feelings will have a very hard time feeling other people’s feelings. Do not be alarmed if you experience severe visual distortions and feeling states during this exercise. It may at times feel like you are hallucinating. This is all normal so remember to allow it completely.
- You have a choice. Either you can match the frequency of the particular layer you are in, completely experiencing it in your being. So for example if you hit a layer of grief, you can let the grief become you. You can feel what the receiver feels at that layer and practice true empathy. Or, you can match the frequency of the person’s eternal soul (often called the higher self, which holds a frequency of pure appreciative love for the receiver) and you can descend through each layer lovingly embracing your way through each one. Trust your intuition to know which one is the most needed by the receiver. Either way you are matching their frequency (just a different aspect of their frequency) and thus making a genuine empathetic connection.
- As the journeyer, we want to see and feel the receiver completely. We want to know them completely. As the receiver, we want to be seen, be felt and be understood completely. As fears come up, let them be there, let them occupy the space between you, as if you are both cradling each other’s fears between you, taking care of the fragile trust between you.
- We are present with the exercise until we feel that we have reached a state of completion. Often this is when we have gone all the way through the person’s layers back to their source essence. Make sure that you do not stop or retreat until you have reached and explored the positive feeling layers that exist beneath the negative feeling layers. For example, say you are in a layer of anger or hatred. Remain fully and completely with that layer within the person and stay with it as you sink down into the layer innocence that is underneath it and spend time there, in that positive feeling layer before you bring the journeying to a close. Many people carry barriers and beliefs that people cannot truly connect with them or will abandon them because of their darker layers. And so, withdrawing from these layers will energetically re-traumatize the person.
- When we have completed our journey, we switch roles and the journeyer becomes the receiver and the process is repeated. When we are done, we discuss what we each experienced. We begin to process what has occurred together.