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The Divorce

Divorce is a bizarre experience.  Today, I can't stop thinking about the last 6 months of my life and the transition from being a wife to being single.  There comes a point in an unhappy marriage where no matter how afraid you are of what lies ahead of you, anything is preferable to the misery of staying committed to the marriage.  After you have tried the happy marriage programs and seen the counselors and tried to find harmony again and again (to no avail), there comes a moment of truth where you have to ask yourself if you even want to be with that person exactly as they are.  You have to ask yourself two questions.  1. Do I want to be with the person that they are or do I want to be with them because of what they could be?  2. Do I want to be with them exactly as they are, or am I just staying committed to them because the idea of pulling the intertwined parts of our life apart, is so exhausting and frightening that it feels easier to stay where I am?  I will say that answering this question when children are involved is a thousand times harder.  But I have found that you need not worry about finding the answer to this question, because the answer inevitably reveals itself.

I am in a new chapter in my life; one that has brought me ever closer to what I have always wanted and never allowed myself to have.  I still get sad sometimes when I think about the way that Mark and I used to look at each other.  I still get sad when I think about our wedding day, and how convinced I was that I had found my place in the world.  I feel sorry for the hopes I had for us that never came to fruition.  More than sadness, I still feel embarrassed sometimes.  I feel embarrassed when I fall into the trap of thinking that keeping a marriage together means something about my worth and “togetherness”.  I come from a family that believes in marriage. They believe both in the seriousness of the decision to get married and in the seriousness of staying together at all costs.  My parents have been married for over thirty-five years and here I am, not even thirty years old and I have already been divorced twice.  And on my bad days, you had better believe that I ask myself… what does that say about me?  I’ve spent my life as the black sheep of my family and extended family.  More than one cousin has actually thanked me for being as radical as I have been and messing up as much as I have, because it gives them permission to mess up and not take as much heat or flack for of it.  I have been the one to set the bar in both my family and friend group and now anything that anyone else does (as long as it is below that bar), is acceptable.  I hate this role that I’ve been filling.  It means that the people in my life expect me to fail.

They call me an idiot savant.  When I was younger, I was given the IQ test twice.  Both times the score came in at over 170 points.  What that means is that I am a genius in some ways and underdeveloped in other ways.  The savant sensitivities that I am so famous for, affect my relationships with other people and with the world at large.  Most of the people in my life expect me to have breakdowns.  They expect my relationships to fail.  The unpredictable volatility of my life and my life choices has become my modus operandi.  And so, when my marriage to Mark ended, I experienced a heavy backlash from the people around me.  The feeling in the air was “I knew it; with Teal it’s only ever a matter of time before something falls apart”.  And so it goes without saying that the most difficult part about getting a divorce (for me) has been trying to maintain a positive self-concept.  It is no joke that divorce is really hard.  You loose friendships over it.  You loose family over it.  Society looks down on you because of it.  You start to think that something must really be wrong with you if you can’t make a relationship last long term.  I am falling into that trap today, the trap of feeling like a really talented and captivating… failure.

I remember that when I made the decision that I couldn’t stay married to Mark and be happy at the same time; it seemed like every day provided a new level of pain.  The storm of the change tossed and turned us both.  I knew on a conscious level that the process that the universe uses to transform our lives into something better is a bit like turning a caterpillar into a butterfly.  It cocoons you in a solitary world of disintegration.  It turns you into primordial soup and re arranges you and you emerge as a different person.  In the first few weeks of the separation, I watched the pain between us stripping years off of our respective lives as if there was a black hole between us.  I did not know what would become of him or me.  I wondered if I was going to ruin my son’s life.  I had to remind myself again and again that he would be worse off with an unhappy mother who was too emotionally strung out to want to parent him.  I had to remind myself that I did not want him to grow up with the model of love that his father and I were providing.  I wanted to teach him (and myself) that personal happiness is more important than being married.  This is the thing that human society has forgotten.  Even the marriage vows that we take reflect the fact that we value the surrender of personal happiness to hard work and dedication.  We say, “till death do us part” as if the marriage is some kind of jail cell that we feel proud of ourselves for locking ourselves inside of.  It’s like saying “no matter how bad it gets, I will choose to stay with you, over choosing to stay in alignment with my own expansion”.  Or “I will love you more than I love myself”.  But this doesn’t work and it cannot last.  We either get a divorce or we end up so out of alignment that we find some other way to “check out”.  Even though the intention to be together for a lifetime is a beautiful intention and even though it is more than possible to line up with someone who you can be married to and happy with all the days of your life, the marriage vows should be re written to say, “till our individual alignment do us part”.

In today’s world we have a hard time finding the middle path.  Let me explain… Relationships are always the reflection of our current vibrations (both positive and negative).  So if we expect our relationships to always be perfect and enjoyable, we are expecting our thoughts to always be perfect and enjoyable.  This is not the reality of anyone’s thoughts.  So we miss the opportunity to expand and become more and enjoy an even more pleasurable reality when we jump from one relationship to the next at the first sign of trouble.  But we also miss the opportunity to expand and become more and enjoy an even more pleasurable reality when we stay put in the relationship we are in, even though it is obvious to us that our desires have caused us to expand in a different direction than the direction that our partner desires to go in.  Do you want to know what the most “in alignment” reason for divorce is?  Ironically it is the reason that is seen in society as being the most cliché reason for divorce… Irreconcilable differences.  What irreconcilable differences really means on an energetic level, is that the relationship has inspired both partners towards new desires... desires which are not mutually shared.  You cannot fight the current that is carrying you towards your own expansion.  And so, when two people (who are in a relationship) desire new things in a partner, either both need to evolve to become the manifestation of those new desires, or they need to allow those desires to manifest through new partners.

Six months ago, it became obvious that Mark and my desires were pulling us in different directions.  The relationship had caused me to want things in a partner that he didn’t want to be.  And the relationship had caused him to want things in a partner that I didn’t want to be.  Our desires were no longer compatible.  We were in a relationship based on resistance.  It was resistance and not love that made us a match to each other.  We both knew what to do to make the relationship last.  I teach people how to make love work for god sakes.  But we stopped doing what we both knew we should do to make our love work.  Because inside, we didn’t really want our love to work.  To make our love work enough to stay married, was to be out of alignment with our own integrity.  It was to fight against the current of our own expansion and that was not the path of least resistance.  It was exhausting.  And so, I told him we needed to get a divorce.

We both faced some of our biggest fears when we decided to get a divorce.  We knew we wanted our son to have both his parents whenever he wanted, and we knew that we still cared about each other and the life we had built together enough that we wanted to stay family, so Mark moved into another room in the house.   This kind of decision is more common in a communal living arrangement.  So, we stayed family.  In the beginning, Mark spent a lot of his time away from the house.  Working or going to the gym.  He put on forty pounds of pure muscle mass.  He questioned his beliefs and fears enough that he became an entirely different person.  You might even say that he found himself.  He is now so different from the person that I was married to, I feel like I don’t even know him.  I have also changed.  I have owned up to what I really want.  I’m allowing myself to go for it now.  And instead of attaching myself to the first man I could find (which is my pattern), I gave myself some time to find my own identity.  And something happened that I would never have expected in a million years.  Mark and I get along better now than we did when we were married.  He is more supportive to me than he was when we were married.  There is no longer silent resentment between us.  And we are focused on what really matters.  We are raising our child together.  We are growing as individuals, and we are supporting each other in that individuality.  It has been an inspiring transformation.  And while I know that it takes a special kind of person to be self aware and strong enough to transition from lover to plutonic family member, it fills me full of hope for us as people.  It lets me know that we are capable of staying unified no matter what changes life throws our way.

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Wow. So much of your post echoes with my marriage and pending divorce. Took me 26 years though. I had to learn that the dynamic we developed in our marriage was also of my doing. To take responsibility for the part I played in the abuse (I played victim like I was a pro.) The cost was to my health - I know have serious chronic issues and have spent the last 3 1/2 years working on myself - digging deep. I finally realized that we had grown so far apart in our desires and vibration that we were no longer a match. I still grieve and probably will for some time but I've also let go of my desire to suffer, ie. wanting something to be what it isn't.
You, Teal, have been one of my valued teachers on this journey of self knowing, revealing, learning-to-love. Thank you and may the divine light and love shine on you and all those you love.

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It is really beautiful how you were able to stay in community together (at least for a time?) and grow. For me, polyamory has been the answer. I have two husbands now. The first one I committed to in 2010, and in 2015 we were having serious problems that almost caused us to divorce. Late in 2015, I met a man who became my second husband in 2016, perfectly filling the holes in my existing relationship. Now, in 2019, the three of us are still happily sharing a home and a family. My husband since 2010 and I are still very close, but our relationship is almost platonic. He had started identifying as asexual. We cuddle and talk and spend late nights together. He is capable of incredible emotional presence. My newer husband (since 2016) is a source of sexual connection and romance which never really sparked between my first husband and I. The three of us together balance out in a way that no two of us could have.

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