I was pulled out of body last night. I settled into a perspective that was difficult to fully “phase” with at first. In this perspective, I was turned head first into a current. There was a calming lull about the pressure of it against my body. My sense of smell was so acute that I could smell the feeling of the current. It felt familiar, it felt like home. That scent, gave rise to an instinctual pull in my body that I could not deny, it was so strong that to go against it would have been like trying to prevent an orgasm at the peak of it’s wave. I remembered the smell of this current, but I didn’t know why. I remembered that I had seen three winters in a different kind of current. A deep and thick current, with a different smell and look and feel that made my body turn a darker color. Here, in this current, the light touched every part of me. It had even turned my body a lighter color. There were so many of us in this current that we brushed up against one another. And all around me are flashes and sparks of silver as they turn and the light catches the curve of their bodies. It is ecstasy. The belonging and the sense of purpose and the way my body melts into the current like there is no difference between what I am, and what it is. The current is a current of endless abundance. It brings things on its surface, it hides treasures under its rocks for me to find. I do not question my place in the ‘dance’.
‘Dance’ is the only similar human word there is to the feeling of my life there. Back and forth, I sway as animated muscle. Back and forth, I let the pockets of ‘above reality’ roll past my body and caress me (these are what people call bubbles). The above reality is another world. No one knows about it because it does not belong to us. It only crosses over. It comes down into our world and we leap into it from time to time. But there is nothing there for me. The current keeps us hidden from it. Back and forth is the dance that keeps my body alive. I know I am going from the place I feel I do not belong to the place I know I belong. I am going to ‘heaven’. I am going to feel the sensations of akin and relevant. I love the smell of the ‘radiant ones’ on the rocks in the river (what we call river moss). I stay with this perspective for a while. I recognize on some level that I have never felt this allowing in all my life. Allowing of myself, allowing of the current, allowing of my life. I do not conceptualize of death and so there is nothing to resist. I only heed my instinct, which is as strong in me as soundless cannon fire. I am reluctant to withdraw my focus there. This perspective is one I could get lost in and be all the happier for it. But I return to my human body.
Upon waking, I asked one of my guides “Desmond” what the experience was last night. His response was, “the one you asked for”. I asked for details. I admit I was a bit confused because I have no memory of having consciously asked to experience anything. Then he shows me an image of myself watching a documentary movie about bears recently in the movie theatre. He reminds me that as I watched that movie, I mentally thought, “I wonder what it would feel like to be one of those salmon”. I remember suddenly that asking on the non-physical level, takes no more than the movement of curiosity within one’s consciousness. It does not have to be conscious at all. I had expressed the curiosity to know what life felt like for a salmon, and so I was provided with that experience. Of course, translating another specie’s experience into human understanding is difficult. Sometimes the only words that are available, which are a close match to the feeling do not make sense through the context of language; like the fact that fish perceive air as another world on top of their world. Fish do not conceive of what water is, because they know no different than water. They know the flavor of waters the same way that a sommelier knows the flavor of wines. Much is lost in the translation, but the experience is there within me, preserved in its original glory.
I know that I was given this experience last night because of where I am. Having just driven all the way to California, only to have the house we were going to live in fall through. We could not find another place to be. And so, I had to return to where I came from. The stress of being in limbo and the stress of uncertainty is the atmosphere of my life this week. It has forced me deep into the waters of emotional processing. It is forcing me to re-integrate a great many fractured aspects of myself. I am hoping that we can secure another place to live soon. Until then, my life is in boxes. I won’t know whether I will be here or there.
I was taken to the perspective of the salmon because I asked for it. But I did not just ask because of curiosity. I also asked because on a subconscious level, I greatly desired to know what it felt like to fully trust the current of my life. The fish embodies self-trust, adaptation and potential. The fish was meant to teach me the feeling of allowing. It would seem that the fish is always in a state of movement. It is always traveling from place to place. The fish moves upstream in its maturity like the human perspective evolves into maturity as it moves through life. And I am evolving. The growing pains of evolving are in and of my life. Like the salmon, I have embarked on a pilgrimage for clarity. This pilgrimage ensures that life will never be the same. I am leaving behind the familiar, because I know at some instinctual level that my destiny is calling me elsewhere. I cannot explain this rationally anymore than the salmon can explain why he is moving up river. It is because the internal calling of such an instinct is too loud to deny. The fish teaches that you know that something is meant to be happening, because it is happening. The fish teaches us to never second-guess the current; even when it’s direction makes absolutely no sense. Because until we are living fully present lives where the past no longer projects itself into the potential future of our lives, the direction of the current only ever makes sense in retrospect.