• The Blue Whale

    images (1).jpegShame is the core of our human lives here on earth.  It is the marrow of the ego.  Because of the way that we can’t love each other well enough, we all run around as if something is missing or as if something needs to be cut out of us.  We know that if we aren’t loved well enough, some abstract something must be wrong and bad about us.  We don’t know what it is.  So we are on an endless quest either one direction or the other.  Either to figure out what is so wrong and bad about us and fix it so we can be loved.  Or try to prove to ourselves and the world that we are really good so we can be loved.  Sometimes, we take both paths at once.

    Sometimes when I look out at an audience, my heart breaks.  I teach people about themselves.  Both the shadow and the light.  When I do this, when I make people aware of aspects of themselves that are holding them back from what they are wanting, so often it simply makes people feel shame.  I can’t move frontwards or backwards without triggering this feeling of shame.  And looking out at an audience of people who have come to a self-help/self growth workshop, I am essentially looking at an ocean full of people who believe that there is something wrong with them that needs to be fixed.  They are hoping I will tell them what it is so they can get love.  And I wonder sometimes, am I really doing well at setting people free or am I playing into this belief that is rooted in shame.  Maybe I am doing both. 

    family-confusion-Getty-Images.jpgI am on an airplane headed to New York for a series of appearances on the east coast.  Sitting here on the plane, I had a vision.  The vision I saw is that people cut themselves off from their own personal power because of shame.  A basic household is a collection of people vying for power.  In a world where power has been so misused, to feel that someone has more power than you have makes you feel powerless.  You think that when you are powerless someone is going to hurt you.  So to prevent that hurt, you try to strip them of power and gain power. 

    article-1251426-08505019000005DC-791_468x308.jpgAs children, our power so often threatens the adults in our lives.  And so they take on a subconscious mission to humble us and to cut us down to size so that they can maintain control and stay safe from anarchy.  They sometimes do this to make us ‘good’ so that they can be seen as good parents by other people in the world.  When we step into our power, instead of channeling it, they shame us for it.  We learn that to be safe from punishment and shaming and isolation and to be loved, we have to cut ourselves off from our own personal power.  We have to disown it and suppress it and make others think it is not there.  We become ashamed of our own power.  But then life has a way of wanting us to integrate.  There comes a time when we have to step into a role that requires us to re-own that power.  It is then that we have to face our own shame. 

     450-482728893-length-weight.jpgI saw myself as a toddler in this vision.  The reality is that I was born with a serious amount of personal power.  I was born with an air of significance and authority.  The adults in my life had plenty of belittling names for this aspect of me.  I was shamed for it.  I saw myself in this vision growing into that power and an adult in my life rushing in to humble me.  But this time, I stopped it.  I didn’t let the interference happen.  I dealt with the fear this person had about me growing big.  And then I watched as this toddler allowed her inner power to swell within her.  Her body split like a snakeskin around it.  And then another swelling from within of another embodiment of power and leadership.  Just like the first, this one split the embodiment of the last, like a snakeskin.  This happened three more times.  Then I went into the body that was now before me.  A kind of goddess.  But within me, I could feel the writhing tickle of another more powerful self-trying to be embodied.  I went into that deeper self that was trying to be born.  I allowed myself to grow so as to split the goddess body like a snakeskin.  When the split happened, I saw myself explode with magnitude through the embodiment and fall with a huge splash into the ocean.  I looked at my embodiment.  My skin was glistening.  I was not a human.  I was an enormous blue whale.

    I started crying.  “I get it” I thought to myself.  Many of you already know that my shadow totem is the whale.  I’ve been terrified of whales all my life.  I’ve been terrified of them because the whale (apparently the blue whale specifically) is my suppressed and denied and disowned self.  The self I decided was the most unacceptable.  The part of me that was unlovable to the adults in my childhood who didn't want me to get too big for my britches so to speak.  The magnitude, the power, the authority, the sovereignty, the diving in the deeps.  All the qualities of the blue whale.      

    e03a16aaa7ef1f1a8b8cd18eea787a4b.jpgBut I am being called into an even larger role in the scheme of my purpose.  I have been in a 3 year re-birth process in fact so that this could happen.  And the time has come for me to embody that self which I cut myself off from.  I need to do it so I can step into this new level.  The red fox is my spirit animal.  The fox will always be with me...  In me.  But I am being called to transition from embodying the fox to embodying the blue whale.  And so I am.

    It is so poetic that the things we think are the furthest apart from us are the deepest within our core.  It is so poetic that by diving into our greatest pain, we resurface with our greatest desires.  The place our most divine self is hidden is deep within the murky depths of our shame.   

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    Dear Teal,

    You have arrived ... you can now enjoy full responsibility and steering for your own life. 

    Whatever parents or other caretakers or people around you did once so long ago perhaps to you, yes of course that is what they did, perhaps with the best of intend. That is what happened. Once. Long ago.

    Yet you, you are now reborn, free, free of the skins of what other might have done to you, consciously or not at all so consciously so.

     

    You are free.

    You are free of what people have done to you. Perhaps if they might have.

    None of this matters now.

    You are new reborn, you are you = and complete.

    You shed the skins of shaming others, of shaming yourself = of shame itself.

    You shed the skin of pain and paining yourself and = pain itself.

    You are just simply you - a beautiful white sheet of paper = ready to envision, be vision, share vision, be all that what you deeply desire ... There you are ... Just you! Beautifully so you!

    Beautifully you, your own whale you, blue, powerful, calm and powerfully alive.

    Free! Limitlesslessly so.

     

    Edited by Kosima
    being more specific

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    I did a writing exercise after reading this to try to get out my feelings and realized after writing it that others may benefit from what I've written:

    What am I ashamed of? 
     
    Hurting others with my words and actions. Being confident and strong in my opinions and my experiences and making people feel small for differing from me. I want to bully others into being better versions of themselves, unkind to their superficial aspects, crass to their excuses, and violent with their attachments. I want to rip them away from all the bullshit and force them to face the doorway into themselves.
     
    I want to do what my friend T tries to do, and often succeeds in doing. That is why seeing my reflection in him is so painful. I've repressed this desire out of my stronger need, my need to feel loved and safe.
     
    Why is that feeling loved and safe is so dangerous? Why is it that this attachment leads me into the painful realms of feeling jealous, possessive and shifty? 
     
    I don't feel safe in who I am. If I had faith in myself, in my own personal power, then I would not need safety from others. I feel the lack of others so keenly because I feel like I am too small.
     
    But this is circular. In part, I feel too small because I restrict who I am in order to make other people feel big and safe, so that I can have them, so that, hopefully, in having them, I will be safe!
     
    On 2/23/2017 at 11:50 PM, michael scordato said:

    Is shame possibly an emotion that is separate from fear and sadness?  I am glad you wrote about power, could you expand on this...

    I'm wondering about this too. I would like a map that shows how all of the various emotions relate to one another. Preferably an actual chart. How do shame, worry, fear, guilt, jealousy, envy, and anxiety all intersect and interact?

    Edited by Raederle

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    Diving into the whale porpotion is a way to understand... But you are unlimited with ways of understanding... We all are. 

    Thank you so much for sharing the insight - many times we walk in the same path and I hold you as my freind and thank you for being in my world.

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