• The Blue Whale

    images (1).jpegShame is the core of our human lives here on earth.  It is the marrow of the ego.  Because of the way that we can’t love each other well enough, we all run around as if something is missing or as if something needs to be cut out of us.  We know that if we aren’t loved well enough, some abstract something must be wrong and bad about us.  We don’t know what it is.  So we are on an endless quest either one direction or the other.  Either to figure out what is so wrong and bad about us and fix it so we can be loved.  Or try to prove to ourselves and the world that we are really good so we can be loved.  Sometimes, we take both paths at once.

    Sometimes when I look out at an audience, my heart breaks.  I teach people about themselves.  Both the shadow and the light.  When I do this, when I make people aware of aspects of themselves that are holding them back from what they are wanting, so often it simply makes people feel shame.  I can’t move frontwards or backwards without triggering this feeling of shame.  And looking out at an audience of people who have come to a self-help/self growth workshop, I am essentially looking at an ocean full of people who believe that there is something wrong with them that needs to be fixed.  They are hoping I will tell them what it is so they can get love.  And I wonder sometimes, am I really doing well at setting people free or am I playing into this belief that is rooted in shame.  Maybe I am doing both. 

    family-confusion-Getty-Images.jpgI am on an airplane headed to New York for a series of appearances on the east coast.  Sitting here on the plane, I had a vision.  The vision I saw is that people cut themselves off from their own personal power because of shame.  A basic household is a collection of people vying for power.  In a world where power has been so misused, to feel that someone has more power than you have makes you feel powerless.  You think that when you are powerless someone is going to hurt you.  So to prevent that hurt, you try to strip them of power and gain power. 

    article-1251426-08505019000005DC-791_468x308.jpgAs children, our power so often threatens the adults in our lives.  And so they take on a subconscious mission to humble us and to cut us down to size so that they can maintain control and stay safe from anarchy.  They sometimes do this to make us ‘good’ so that they can be seen as good parents by other people in the world.  When we step into our power, instead of channeling it, they shame us for it.  We learn that to be safe from punishment and shaming and isolation and to be loved, we have to cut ourselves off from our own personal power.  We have to disown it and suppress it and make others think it is not there.  We become ashamed of our own power.  But then life has a way of wanting us to integrate.  There comes a time when we have to step into a role that requires us to re-own that power.  It is then that we have to face our own shame. 

     450-482728893-length-weight.jpgI saw myself as a toddler in this vision.  The reality is that I was born with a serious amount of personal power.  I was born with an air of significance and authority.  The adults in my life had plenty of belittling names for this aspect of me.  I was shamed for it.  I saw myself in this vision growing into that power and an adult in my life rushing in to humble me.  But this time, I stopped it.  I didn’t let the interference happen.  I dealt with the fear this person had about me growing big.  And then I watched as this toddler allowed her inner power to swell within her.  Her body split like a snakeskin around it.  And then another swelling from within of another embodiment of power and leadership.  Just like the first, this one split the embodiment of the last, like a snakeskin.  This happened three more times.  Then I went into the body that was now before me.  A kind of goddess.  But within me, I could feel the writhing tickle of another more powerful self-trying to be embodied.  I went into that deeper self that was trying to be born.  I allowed myself to grow so as to split the goddess body like a snakeskin.  When the split happened, I saw myself explode with magnitude through the embodiment and fall with a huge splash into the ocean.  I looked at my embodiment.  My skin was glistening.  I was not a human.  I was an enormous blue whale.

    I started crying.  “I get it” I thought to myself.  Many of you already know that my shadow totem is the whale.  I’ve been terrified of whales all my life.  I’ve been terrified of them because the whale (apparently the blue whale specifically) is my suppressed and denied and disowned self.  The self I decided was the most unacceptable.  The part of me that was unlovable to the adults in my childhood who didn't want me to get too big for my britches so to speak.  The magnitude, the power, the authority, the sovereignty, the diving in the deeps.  All the qualities of the blue whale.      

    e03a16aaa7ef1f1a8b8cd18eea787a4b.jpgBut I am being called into an even larger role in the scheme of my purpose.  I have been in a 3 year re-birth process in fact so that this could happen.  And the time has come for me to embody that self which I cut myself off from.  I need to do it so I can step into this new level.  The red fox is my spirit animal.  The fox will always be with me...  In me.  But I am being called to transition from embodying the fox to embodying the blue whale.  And so I am.

    It is so poetic that the things we think are the furthest apart from us are the deepest within our core.  It is so poetic that by diving into our greatest pain, we resurface with our greatest desires.  The place our most divine self is hidden is deep within the murky depths of our shame.   

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    Thank you Teal. Doing drug abuse counseling I became aware of how toxic shame is to our recovery. It's usually at the core of a relapse. We look back at our past feel ashamed of all we've done and fall back into self destructive behaviors trying to kill the pain we kill the patient. May the universe bless you in your metamorphosis, keep your fox side strong and wise for a Blue Whale is a challenge and a huge target for those who seek to destroy rather than to create. Be blessed, you are a huge blessing to us all!

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    Thank you for bringing this up Teal! Your blog usually is synchronistic to what i am going through myself. I can so relate to the theme of shame. I must say, i love whales! For me they represent divine femininity in its purest form. They are so big because they hold space for everything, also the biggest pain. To me they are just so beautiful. Also i would like to recommend a book that i got reminded of by reading this blog. It's one of my most favorite books. Its "She's come undone" by Wally Lamb. Have a beautiful day. <3

    Esther

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    I was reading Martin Prechtel's book "The Smell of Rain on Dust" and  the chapter, Animals: Grief Orphans are the Doctors  made me think of this blog post. This chapter talks about how animals eat our grief. With all the suffering and grief you have I would imagine you would need a great blue whale to eat that pain away. I am grateful for the magnitude of the whales healing ability and the magnitude of your life and teaching. with love and devotion,

    dawn

    Edited by Amanecer

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    Aw whaaaaat?! Seriously..so I was drawn to this post immediately when I saw it on fb..maybe the big blue whale ? And this morning I posted on Instagram with a random whale emoticon??! AND I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS seriously teal if there's any way I can help you- please let me know.  If I can channel and be part of this in some way- I'm down and ready. I'm sure you get this all the time but I have a feeling that I'm meant to put this out there.

     

    before I left for Australia I dreamt of watching whales on a boat with my grandma and they were enticing me in to the water ? Wasn't really feeling it! But my grandma who is passed told me I had to go in ? So in we went and then I was like- that's enough now! Up to my shins all I could see before me was the never ending darkness and that's what petrifies me about the sea. That at night you're engulfed in black and you don't know what's below. My grandma enticed me further and I said ' there might be sharks out there' but she told me ' you have to'.

     

    and I don't have anymore to say about that

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    Beautiful thankyou Teal!

    The whales; The way they move, the way they sound, their grace..:Majestic!

    Still don`t know my powerself so clearly, but it is confident and strong.

    Strong enough to keep honouring an enquiering mind, a request for honesty and vital ability to feel and keep sensing like a light from the future helping this being to become by enduring.

    The old programmings has to be felt again on their way out.

    And new programmings needs practising.

    In dreams, the dark sea and dolphins has been showing.

    Can relate so much to what you tell about the programming of shame and the "one up" powergames.

    Some time ago i listened to your talk with Ralp Smart shown on this site:

    Realy wonderful- what a treassure to be able to resieve all this!

     

    Anyway: Think it was in here you speak about how you see that (re. the resent election): 

    In stead of distancing ourselfes from the ones, we find rather not sympathic (to say the least) - 

    - in stead of seeing ourselfes as victims, the overt types can become a help to integrate theese shadow aspects - we can search with the light and find the hosile angry and powerhungry ( how funny i should just use that word..:O)-

    transform and integrate them.

    As far as i remember, it is as well in this talk you say some really good things about getting rid of this old repetition wheel of the "one up" powergames with others.

    I remember theese words were transforming to me.

    Also a memory of someone- think it might be you actualy saying that the shadow is within the inner child.

    Judged and forsaken.

    About shame:

    Last summer i listened to Ross Rosenberg. He said that before you enter the core wound, you must pass through a layer of shame.

    Shortly after i listened to some clips on youtube with John Broadshaw.

    He spoke about two kinds of shame:

    A healthy one and an unhealthy one.

    The healthy one is about knowing the limitations in this world and in yourself to function.

    The unhealthy shame is the one given to the child by:

    Shameless parents.

    Shameless parents go way beyond their rights and mark their children with the same unhealthy core beliefs as they were marked.

    I found great help btw in  what you write about parenting Teal, thankyou so much.

    Lastly: Yes, many here speak about something happening theese days.

    I feel it too: A few hours ago walking to my car i felt the highly charged pain of not seeing my family in 5 years now -

    they want me back in the old ever giving people pleaser uniform.

    Their words have triggered me day and night, but this day i felt more like:

    It is not mine it is theirs- it felt like i could carve it out as acube in the air -

    and just pass through the hole..

    lots of love!

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    Teal!  Something to consider while you are in New York:  The Museum of Natural History has a glorious 94' long blue whale suspended from the ceiling with beautiful music.  I was always in awe of her when I visited as a child.  xo

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    Would be more happy to understand weight loss better and easier....I think the floors ready to let go.....and my head is about to explode from overthinking depression and monogamy...

     

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    I have yet to read or hear something from you, Teal Swan, that does not resonate deeply within me. The wisdom you share so abundantly and that I can access for free is highly appreciated and I can't but love you and life for it more. I pray to be able to embody the poetry of facing my shadow aspects the way you describe and also encourage others to do so. Thank you.

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    Well folks, here goes. I do not share my dreams often, especially on the internet with God knows who, but after reading Teal's, I felt compelled to share my most recent one. 

    Part one...escaped conscious recollection....
    The Drifter and The happy sea turtle are the only vague recollections.

    Part two....

    Plays out like watching the movie "Top Gun".
    Kelly McGillis is kissing Maverick and another man approaches. Maverick rides off on his motorcycle. The other man is a former friend/lover? of Kelly McGillis. He tries to convince her to date him.
    She declines and goes into a long winded speech like a PSA about not doing drugs. (it was rather funny in the dream). In this version, Kelly McGillis is a seasoned pilot and a badass. She has a rival in the skies and wants to prove her superiority once and for all. She agrees to go on a date with the man if he can arrange a contest in the sky following the "old rules"...heavy implication that the flight rules were soon to change. The scene changes to jets flying with music playing like in Top Gun. A narrator begins talking about the jets and their capabilities. One jet, the newest most advanced jet, is shown. It has multiple cockpits...5 or more....the exact number escapes vision. The scene shifts again....

    Part Three....

    Cuba Gooding Jr. is wearing a flight suit. He is very happy. He climbs into one of the cockpits, not the lead one of the multiple cockpit jet. He is in the Air Force. It is his job and he loves it. His face lights up and mid flight, he ejects. The plane continues on and none of the other pilots seem to mind. The plane is gone and Cuba pops his chute. He glides gently down looking at the water below. He sees a large target on the water... a preset landing zone. He lands safely and sees several dead bodies floating there. It feels as though he knows them but they are not very close...like partners. He finds a briefcase full of money. He knew it would be there. The dead people were like part of a grand plan to get rich...not in a bad way though. He calls for rescue and ends up swimming to shore. He goes into a house on the beach and calls the drifter from the first part of the dream. Cuba is beaming! He tells the drifter to come get him, and that he is rich! The drifter asks what the address is. Cuba picks up a piece of mail and reads the address.
    It is in Kansas. Both of them are shocked. "Kansas?! There are no oceans in Kansas!" This realization hits Cuba. He realizes that it must be fresh water not salt water and runs to the shore. He calls out to the water and the Happy sea turtle swims onto shore. They start playing and laughing. Cuba has achieved exstacy! They
    dance on the beach and the scene shifts again....

    Part Four....

    The scene switches from watching a the events like a movie and it is me now, watching the events from above, looking at the scene as if it is in a terrarium. A big spider, as big as Cuba comes out of the brush and starts to attack the sea turtle. Cuba is highly distressed by this turn of events and runs to protect the turtle. He fights it valiantly. As he battles the spider, a rabbit, also the size of Cuba starts attacking the sea turtle. The rabbit cannot penetrate the turtle's shell (nor could the spider for that matter). The sight of the rabbit attack distracts Cuba and the spider sinks it's fangs deep into Cuba's chest. Cuba falls. It is not known if he survives. I am watching the scene in disgust. I crush the spider with my bare hand. I feel it's legs and exoskeleton break under the force of my hand. Then I grab the rabbit. I can feel it's warmth, it's soft fur. It claws at me and bites at me. I snap it's neck. I can feel the bones break and then it's lifeless body in my hands. The sea turtle was unharmed. It had only to go into it's shell or into the water and neither the spider nor the rabbit could have hurt it.

    Then I wake up.

    I have my interpretation of this dream. It is evolving as time passes. Teal's mention of the Whale as her shadow totem inspired me to add to my analysis. I have found it quite interesting. Here is me stripping away a piece of my armor and sharing my truth with the world.

    Thank you Teal for sharing.

    Edited by Perpetual Student

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    Dear Teal,

    You have arrived ... you can now enjoy full responsibility and steering for your own life. 

    Whatever parents or other caretakers or people around you did once so long ago perhaps to you, yes of course that is what they did, perhaps with the best of intend. That is what happened. Once. Long ago.

    Yet you, you are now reborn, free, free of the skins of what other might have done to you, consciously or not at all so consciously so.

     

    You are free.

    You are free of what people have done to you. Perhaps if they might have.

    None of this matters now.

    You are new reborn, you are you = and complete.

    You shed the skins of shaming others, of shaming yourself = of shame itself.

    You shed the skin of pain and paining yourself and = pain itself.

    You are just simply you - a beautiful white sheet of paper = ready to envision, be vision, share vision, be all that what you deeply desire ... There you are ... Just you! Beautifully so you!

    Beautifully you, your own whale you, blue, powerful, calm and powerfully alive.

    Free! Limitlesslessly so.

     

    Edited by Kosima
    being more specific

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    I did a writing exercise after reading this to try to get out my feelings and realized after writing it that others may benefit from what I've written:

    What am I ashamed of? 
     
    Hurting others with my words and actions. Being confident and strong in my opinions and my experiences and making people feel small for differing from me. I want to bully others into being better versions of themselves, unkind to their superficial aspects, crass to their excuses, and violent with their attachments. I want to rip them away from all the bullshit and force them to face the doorway into themselves.
     
    I want to do what my friend T tries to do, and often succeeds in doing. That is why seeing my reflection in him is so painful. I've repressed this desire out of my stronger need, my need to feel loved and safe.
     
    Why is that feeling loved and safe is so dangerous? Why is it that this attachment leads me into the painful realms of feeling jealous, possessive and shifty? 
     
    I don't feel safe in who I am. If I had faith in myself, in my own personal power, then I would not need safety from others. I feel the lack of others so keenly because I feel like I am too small.
     
    But this is circular. In part, I feel too small because I restrict who I am in order to make other people feel big and safe, so that I can have them, so that, hopefully, in having them, I will be safe!
     
    On 2/23/2017 at 11:50 PM, michael scordato said:

    Is shame possibly an emotion that is separate from fear and sadness?  I am glad you wrote about power, could you expand on this...

    I'm wondering about this too. I would like a map that shows how all of the various emotions relate to one another. Preferably an actual chart. How do shame, worry, fear, guilt, jealousy, envy, and anxiety all intersect and interact?

    Edited by Raederle

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    Diving into the whale porpotion is a way to understand... But you are unlimited with ways of understanding... We all are. 

    Thank you so much for sharing the insight - many times we walk in the same path and I hold you as my freind and thank you for being in my world.

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