For the last year, I’ve been falling into the very trap that I warn people against. The trap of not being ok about not being ok. I expect absolute perfection out of myself. I profess that no spiritual teacher is in a state of enlightened perfection whilst still expecting enlightened perfection from myself. I have been holding a double standard. The honest truth is that for a long time now, my life has been tumultuous. It has been full of constant conflict and I have felt like I am drowning in the pressure. Every single day, I have tried to resolve this through every tool I possess to no avail. And today, I decided to give up. I have realized that there must be something bigger at play here. I feel as though like a caterpillar, I am being dissolved into a primordial soup inside a cocoon of pain so as to come out as something different. Something with wings that will serve a specific purpose I can’t foresee yet. I’m not ok right now. I’m in a lot of pain in my life right now. And the real reason for this is that I am resisting the process I am in. I’m telling myself that my life should be different than it is.
As you know, for the last 10 months, I have been dealing with intense anti-Teal campaigns. I’ve been in absolute hell because I’ve been trying to resolve the conflict in every way both internally and externally but from the attitude of this should not be happening and from the idea that if I was in alignment and totally healed, this would not even be happening. Yet no matter what I do to heal, the campaigns keep getting worse and worse.
Well today, I emotionally gave up trying to turn lemons into lemonade. I began to look at the potential of never being able to resolve the fact that I have so many people pointing their finger at me, telling me that they hate me because I am causing them (or people) pain. This has been a core imprint by the way. The idea that my presence of existence causes people pain began with my relationship with my mother and then father and then brother and then the Mormon community I grew up in and it just kept going over the course of my life. It has rippled outwards and now it has manifested in my career as hate campaigns and people who I’m close to flipping from loving me to hating me. When it seems like the world is screaming at you “you cause me pain”. The time comes that you believe it. I do not believe it is a good idea to defiantly decide that what you are doing is right and never consider that you actually might be causing someone pain. People who do that become people like Hitler. So to a degree, that self-doubt I have so strongly, is a safety mechanism preventing me from becoming a leader that causes the world pain. But here’s the thing, I decided a long time ago that hurting people is wrong. I’m a vegan who spends hours trying to get insects out of my home without harming them. So when it keeps being demonstrated that I cause people pain, I start to believe that I am wrong. That my existence is wrong. This very train of thinking is what led to my suicide attempts years ago.
Something about giving up the fight to turn lemons into lemonade opened a huge universal door to show me that sometimes, we need to realize that it is not so simple as “If I was in alignment, this wouldn’t be happening.”
I started an authenticity movement. My childhood was made a bloody nightmare because I was prevented from talking about what I was going through. Privacy is causing this world SO much pain it is indescribable. Long story short, years worth of meditation on the subject of authenticity and openness led to me making the decision to be the first spiritual teacher to publicly expose my private life. This blog is my public journal, where I write about everything I want to write about that is going on in my life. I believe this is the movement within society that will bring about the most positive change. I don’t need to go deeply into that in this blog because I’m going to be talking about why it will bring about the most positive social change for years to come. My teachings come from my personal experiences. This is how it is with all of us who are teachers. Just look at Wayne Dyer, who would stand up on stage for hours and present his ideologies through personal examples involving his children or friends or colleagues. We need to retain the ability to freely express and use our personal life experiences to do so. But to be authentic is to be hated.
Anyone who creates a movement creates social change. And anyone who creates social change finds themselves in conflict with the current system. We find ourselves dead center between highly polarized perspectives. This time it is a conflict about openness and privacy, authenticity and facades. The 1st amendment involves the freedom of speech. And the freedom of speech is absolutely going to be a point of contest with regards to an authenticity movement. This amendment states “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.” The limits to this law involve things like slander and defamation of character. Which is a HUGE gray area. For example (assuming it isn’t a false statement you’re making about someone) if publicizing what someone does and how you feel about it makes someone look bad in the public eye, is it disparagement and defamation of character?
I am not a vindictive person. I use my personal experiences to create personal and collective healing. I use them for the purpose of authenticity, which I believe will create positive change in the world. I’m enlightened enough to see that there is no benefit in painting someone out to be a villain so as to make myself a victim (even if I am victimized or feel victimized). I am aware that this path of authenticity will require a high degree of consciousness so as to not let authenticity fall into the hands of the ego. I try to be as conscious as I can be in my life, and these blogs are an extension of that commitment to consciousness.
I have been trying to find every way OUT of this opposition because I hate conflict. I want to move on with my life and I am sick of being scapegoated. I’ve been looking for every possible way to end it. But the universe would not let me get away from the conflict because I was never supposed to be out of it. I was supposed to be fully in it. It is not about the universe punishing me. It’s about the universe using conflict to canvas the issue of authenticity further. Of course if I am leading an authenticity movement, I would find myself involved in conflicts revolving around authenticity.
My intention in my own blog is never to ‘hate on someone’. I try to steer as clear away from that as possible. And when I do feel hate, I find it is more about my fear and helplessness, so I tend to canvas that instead. But let’s pretend that I did want to express my hatred. Let’s just pretend that it is possible that expressing my hatred was an authentic expression of what is real within me. I would want to reserve the right to do that because that liberty in and of itself is important.
Here’s the thing, when I see the things my ‘haters’ say and write about me it causes me immense pain. A lot of it is slander (total untruth). But regardless of whether or not my perspective is that it is untrue, a lot of what they express is their personal experiences with how they perceive me from their point of view. I do not hold a double standard for censorship. I do not want the freedom of expression for myself and want to prohibit others from that same freedom. I do not let people post hateful things on my own web site and forums. That is not self-loving for me to do. But I WANT them to retain the right to do that on neutral turf and on their own turf. Cameron Clark (one of the people who I feel betrayed me the most by publicly turning from avid fan to hater) says things that hurt me immensely and that are false. But make no mistake, if she were in court defending her right to be able to say those things on her own turf because they are an authentic expression of herself, I would literally show up in court on her side with all of my lawyers in tow to defend her right to do that. That is how strongly I believe in the freedom of self-expression.
I can see now that these conflicts are going to turn the fire up on this issue in general. It’s going to put a spotlight on the principal of authenticity and self-expression. And you will see the same polarization that happens with regards to any social issue that is raised. You will see those that believe in privacy, square off against those who believe in openness of expression. This is a boundary conflict. It is in fact a boundary to be able to express yourself. Just like it is a boundary to be able to be private. So what do we do when expressing yourself involves expressing yourself about someone in your life who wants to remain private? No matter what you do, whether you side with the one who wants privacy, or the one who wants openness, you are violating the other person’s boundaries.
People involved in the opposition to authentic expression (in favor of privacy) are prepared to punish me to the furthest extent of the law for being open. Conflict would be motive enough to silence many people. But there is a problem, my primary value in life is doing what feels right to do. People, who have this value, are willing to take a lot of risk and face a lot of consequences for the sake of doing what is right. Why does someone like Martin Luther King Jr fight for civil rights despite the risk to his own children’s lives by doing so in a world that believed in black inequality? Because he saw that the life his children were gearing up to live in a world of inequality, was no kind of life at all. And so, even though it appears that he was doing it despite the risk to his children, he was in fact doing it FOR the sake of his children.
The pain I have been in is because I’ve been resisting being in this conflict. And so, I have stopped trying to avoid it or positively heal myself so it will go away and instead see that by going with the flow of the current of the river of my life into this conflict is exactly what the universe has been wanting of me all along. Looking at my life, I can in fact see how obvious it is that THIS is the most healing thing for me to do. This is the expansion.
I’m not looking forward to just how controversial my career will be. I would prefer peace and I would prefer everyone to feel good. But make no mistake. I am not the type of person who sits on the fence watching a conflict go on below me. I do not have an avoidant personality. Rightness and wrongness is a debate in the field of spirituality and philosophy. And it is known that experiences often alter your conscious perspective and therefore alters your idea of right and wrong. I believe you should always question your beliefs about what is right and what is wrong. But for the sake of this blog, instead of debating the entire concept of right and wrong, let’s just say that I am the kind of person where if I decide it is the ‘right’ thing to do, I am going to jump straight into the front lines of a conflict and bring with me everything I’ve got. You can spend your whole life resisting what is by yelling “this is unnecessary, it doesn’t have to be this way” or you can realize, this is the way it is now, so what am I going to do about it?
Authenticity can become a tool of the ego, just like anything else. If you become attached to it in principal, that attachment can become your demise. Leading this authenticity movement, I am well aware of this potential trap. At the same time, I will tell you that the world I envision for my own son to grow up in, will not exist without a commitment to authenticity. I don’t ever want him to be silenced. I don’t ever want him to have to put forth a façade so as to be accepted into society. I want this world to be one where he is able to freely express himself. I want him to live open to the world and to the people in it instead of closed. And so, for his sake, I will fight for openness and authenticity. Let the controversy begin.