Everyone is afraid. I went to a gym this morning to run around an indoor track in anonymity. And in the faces of those who ran beside me, I could clearly see how hard we are all pretending to not be afraid. We are hoping no one notices we are afraid. We are secretly wondering as a result, why we are afraid and everyone else seems to be doing fine. Because of this fear, living for most of us means being brave. But a brave person is not truly fearless. Bravery only exists in an atmosphere of fear. People who become fearless do not become fearless by being so brave that they can defy their fear, they become fearless by directing their bravery towards their own fear with an attitude of acceptance. Fearlessness belongs to the person who is able to embrace their fears completely. Love is the opposite vibration of fear. When love is present, fear can no longer be present. It is dissolved in the brilliant warmth of its light. If fear itself is approached with love… fear does not ever stand a chance.
Even the rationale of my own ego is not exempt from shame or from the feeling that this universe is somehow against me. If you are anything like me, sometimes it can feel like you are in a deadly chess game against the universe at large. We try to outmaneuver, overpower, placate, please and bargain with the universe, because the universe is not our ally. It is our adversary. And we end up tormented because we are playing against something much bigger than ourselves. Where there literally is no way to win.
If this is our reality, we have a terrible relationship with the universe we live in. Yet it’s a relationship we can’t escape. Life is terrorizing. Think of it like a fish that lives in water, but is convinced the water is trying to torture it. We start to believe that life is about suffering. We look around our world at all the suffering that is going on and then that suffering becomes more proof of it.
This belief pattern begins in the earliest experiences we have in life. Its roots are deeply entrenched in trauma. For some children, the conditions of their gestation and birth and upbringing are nurturing. For some of us however, this is simply not the case. Some of us came to mothers who themselves felt the universe was against them and began to adopt this frequency while in the womb. Some of us had traumatic birth experiences. Some of us had parents who were less than nurturing. The result is that we believe that we are powerless to powers that be; powers that did not have our best interest at heart. Life itself began to feel inhospitable.
Even though the experiences vary that create this pattern of mentality in our subconscious minds, the most common trauma I see creating this thought pattern is a pattern that begins with either one or both of our parents. Parents are supposed to be advocates. They are supposed to be on our sides. But if we have this pattern of not trusting God and thinking the universe is against us, it usually means that we felt like one (or both) of our parents was against us. They were an adversary. Many times, this parent acted as an adversary unintentionally and even thought they were being an advocate to us by being adversarial. So it is not usually a sinister dynamic. But nonetheless, it imbued us with the idea that this parent did not have our best interest at heart and in fact we had to try to feel good in spite of them.
When we are young, our parents are something that is much bigger, wiser, stronger and capable than us. They meet our needs. In essence, our parents are our Gods. And then we grow up. Since we now live at adult capacity, our God usually becomes more like the God that is recognized by mainstream religion or spirituality. An omnipotent consciousness. Because this omnipotent consciousness is larger than us and wiser than us and stronger than us and more capable than us, we view it as an authority figure. And so our subconscious mind searches through its rolodex for its current definition and expectation of authority figure and it then superimposes that definition and expectation over the top of the new concept we have of God. This is the point at which you had better hope your parents felt like advocates instead of adversaries. Because if your first authority figures felt like adversaries, God will feel like an adversary to you as well. Everything will be viewed through the lens of how the universe is against you instead of for you.
This issue of distrusting the universe is only compounded if you suffer further trauma and disappointment and pain in your life. With each hardship, this belief digs in deeper and deeper. And this is compounded even further if you are raised in a religion whose idea of God mirrors that of a punitive parent whom you have to please or else there is a consequence. And one day, it doesn’t matter if some missionaries show up on your doorstep and tell you “God loves you”. It doesn’t matter what spiritual teacher professes to you the benevolence of the universe. You may want to believe it, but you don’t. And there is one glaring mystery that is left ricocheting around in your mind, nagging you incessantly… “If God is benevolent and loves me and is on my side, then why did those things happen to me? Why would an omnipotent God let me suffer like that or like this?” We can take this further and apply it to things we are witnessing in the world. If God is omnipotent and loves us, why does God let children be abused, women be raped, men get blown to bits in wars, natural disasters happen and animals get slaughtered?
What we have been calling God or Source is in a process of self-actualization by projecting forth into different perspectives, in your case a different human perspective. There is no pre-determined state of perfection to reach. God cannot see any aspect of itself as powerless. If you are not separate from God, but instead an extension of God with your own perspective and free will, why would God doubt your inner guidance so much as to stop all the bad things from happening here? These things would not happen if there was not some purpose for them happening. And when we judge all negative feeling things as bad, we mentally acknowledge that they shouldn’t be happening and that there is no purpose for them. We miss the gift inherent in the experience.
Often years after disappointments and painful circumstances occur, we look back and because hindsight is 20-20, we can clearly see how the very thing we thought was the road to our demise, was the road to our freedom and joy. This is when we begin to see that everything comes to bless us to the degree that we begin to trust instead of distrust this universe we live in. It is highly unfair for you to expect yourself to see this while your smack in the middle of a seemingly unfair and tragic circumstance. So don’t force yourself to be grateful for something you truly are not grateful for. Instead we need to develop an openness to the possibility that one day we will see the greater divine purpose in all of this and that it just might be different than we think. It takes practice to change a belief that we have lots of proof for. Chances are, you’re not going to wake up one day and instantly feel the love that this universe holds for you and feel that everything is on your side. But you can begin to develop a different relationship with God or the universe and begin to see and feel its connection to you and by doing so begin to live in a state of peace with the universe. Instead of asking in an attitude of doubt, “If God or the universe loved me, why would this bad thing have happened or be happening” we can learn to ask in an attitude of curiosity “Assuming the universe loves me, why did this thing happen or why is this thing happening?”
Today after asking myself this question, I sat in front of the mirror so as to confront my fear. I did the connection process (the one I unveiled to the public earlier this year) except this time instead of doing it with another person, I did it with myself. I journeyed inside myself, through layers of shame and grief to a place of innocence. An innocence desperately wanting to be known to me and known to the world.
I have chosen a career where I attract a magnification of the same hatred I received as a child in a town where my entire being was an insult to the status quo. I have fallen in love with a man whose children have been taught to hate me by a woman who hates me even though we have never met. I overhear their conversations about me. I know that in a world as ignorant as this (which runs according to the clock of fear) the impression is that if people are polarized you have to choose to love one or the other. In a world as ignorant as this, love is perceived as a finite resource where giving to one, means taking away from another. At times I feel the appertaining rage at the absurdity of it all. But under that rage I find that I am really afraid.
If you were raised to believe something is wrong with you (like I was) it is not hard to slip into shame. In fact, it happens instantaneously in response to the slightest disapproval. I saw this morning that it takes almost nothing for me to forget my own innocence. It takes almost nothing to slip into a feeling that I am wrong and bad.
The reality is that I have been scapegoated again. But I discovered this morning that the most painful aspect about being scapegoated isn’t the fact that others are using you to escape responsibility; it is the fact that those of us who have been scapegoated, actually subconsciously believe we are responsible. We take on the sins of others and the perspective others hold of us as if they were our own. And as a result, we spiral into shame and as a result of that shame, we spiral even further into self-hatred. I lost my sense of my own innocence when faced with hatred growing up. I am being called to learn how to maintain a sense of my own innocence in the face of a magnified version of that very same hatred today. This sense of our own innocence is what allows us to squarely stand in alignment with our truth when something feels right yet the world is disagreeing with us.
I did not come here to fit into the status quo. I came here to change it. And so, this situation is just one of many times where I will be called to stand in alignment with what I feel is right in spite of the world around me. And what do I feel is right? I feel it is right to demonstrate that love is not a finite resource. I feel it is right to consider love inclusive instead of exclusive. I feel it is right to live according to the truth that we don’t have to choose between one or the other when it comes to love, regardless of whether or not someone else says we have to.
Like everyone, I myself am going through an alchemical process of self transformation. The Great Work of Alchemy is often described as a series of four stages, which are represented by colors... Nigredo, a blackening or melanosis. It is putrefaction or decomposition. Ingredients had to be cleansed and cooked extensively. Internally, this represents a kind of spiritual death and the confronting of one’s shadow aspect. Albedo,a whitening or leucosis. The washing away of impurities. The physical subject (such as an ingredient) is to be purified and divided into two opposing principles. Internally, this represents regaining the original purity and receptivity of the soul. Washing away the ashes to find the soul. Cirtinitas, a yellowing or xanthosis. This refers to transmutation. The actual turning of a subject (such as an ingredient) into its highest state such as silver into gold. Internally this represents awakening. Becoming a manifestation of the soul. Becoming a walking embodiment of the soul, rather than a muted reflection of it. It is a process of turning. Rubedo,a reddening, purpling, or iosis. Rubedo refers to the end state. Alchemical success. The achievement of the perfected state. The final state of perfection of a subject (such as an ingredient). It can be interpreted as achieving enlightened consciousness and the total fusion of spirit and matter. This stage is often represented by the symbol of the phoenix. The practice of alchemy goes much, much further than transforming ordinary metals into precious metals, creating a universal remedy that would be a miracle cure all for all illness and achieving immortality. The ultimate form of alchemy is the transformation of SELF. There can be no external alchemy without there first being internal alchemy. And so…
We are rich with the putrefaction of what we once were. And the shadow rains down upon us We suffer all but death In the perpetual fire of our own illusions We suffer all but death In the hell of our own fears
The ash is washed away To reveal our original purity To every black, there must be a white. A heaven to every hell. And so Behind the mask of our temporary identities, there is an eternal soul. When we remove the mask…
We find it We turn From what we thought we were Into what we really are We can see now That the moon’s light Is not sun light, It is just a reflection. We are just a reflection of what we really are. When we decide to turn from moonlight to sunlight We are transmuted We awaken And when we do…
We become the embodiment of our very soul The sunlight is all that we are A perfect fusion of spirit and matter We are now the phoenix Looking down at the ashes that once consumed us With gratitude For we are now… Enlightened.