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Sunlight Through The Granite Gray

In Seattle, the clouds are so heavily laden with moisture that the clouds turn a particular shade of grey.  They are almost the color of granite stone.  People are milling about in the streets with their coffee cups; their shoulders hunched slightly against the dismal weather.  Today, I feel the opposite of the weather outside.  I feel expansive.  The contrast between how I feel and the ambiance of the city this morning is adding coziness to the warmth inside my heart.

at-the-workshop-copy.jpgThis Hay House I Can Do It event was my favorite one yet.  Every event is different but the collection of speakers they invited this time was highly esoteric.  It was the most multi-dimensional collection of people I’ve been in a single room with in the physical plane.  I was in a particularly humorous mood yesterday and so I teased the audience and played and managed to arrive at real depth and substance just the same.  By beautiful synchronicity, as it was Valentine’s Day, the questions were all about relationships.  We encountered the age old and deeply rooted belief that you have to love yourself first for anyone to love you, or to be able to love anyone else.  And I spent a good 20 minutes unraveling that belief in plain view.

In the spiritual field, there are many contradictions that are both true, because they refer to different dimensional aspects of one universe, where different rules apply.  We call these ‘complimentary contradictions’.  If you know about the law of attraction, it’s easy to see that loving yourself makes you a perfect match to love from others.  But lets look at a small problem with the statement “you must love yourself to love others or be loved by others”.  The problem can be easily demonstrated by asking you the question “Do you believe in oneness or not?”  If the answer is yes, you cannot truly believe you need to love yourself to love others or be loved by others because there is no such thing as “other” in this universe.  Regardless of whether you are focusing love on yourself or someone else, it is ultimately self-love.  In a universe that is one, loving the table you’re sitting at is loving the self and loving the self is loving the table you’re sitting at.

roots-508175_640.jpgThis week, as all of you know from previous blogs, I have had to be present with multiple painful experiences; and the deeper, even more painful roots that exist below those surface experiences.  Being present with those things has brought consciousness to them and blessed them with grace.  I have felt a lightness of being as the intensity of my own consciousness burns through these layers of obscurity like dirty film strip.  The ego is defensive.  It plans to keep you away from all the things that could oppose its sense of self.  If it sees itself as good, any awareness of insecurity that it might be bad is to be resisted at all costs.  This week, I allowed my consciousness to burn through the heated impulse to defend myself and straight into the deep insecurity that is mirroring in my life right now as so much hate and attack.  The insecurity about being ‘good’.  I have sat for long hours with the fear that I am a bad person.  I can see how subconsciously, it is very hard to believe otherwise when I look at my life.  I observed my mind yell at me in desperation…  If I am a good person then why would people be treating me this way?

If I’m not bad…

Why was I the black sheep of the family?

Why did I end up in such deep darkness, cutting myself and trying to commit suicide?

Why did I have no friends and continue to have people (girls) befriend me and betray me cruelly?

Why did the town ostracize me and throw me out of carpools and not let me play with their kids?

Why did my abuser set his sights on me?

Why did my first love give up on me so easy?

Why did my ex husband decide I was impossible to be with just two weeks into the marriage and then leave me and say that his being ‘exhaled’ when he returned to London… so he knew he could not commit to me?

Why do I have groups of people that dedicate their lives to trying to destroy me and my career?  Why do they post everywhere about how evil I am?

Why do people who are the most avid fans turn against me and turn into my most dedicated haters?

Why do I seem cursed with horrific luck as if I am destined to suffer?

chain-3481377_640.jpgMy life has been an endless chain of proof that there is something about me that is totally unacceptable and bad and wrong and defective and worthy of ostracization.  My mind desperately screams… How the fuck do I justify all of this if I am not bad?  In fact, I find that I care so much about being good that my ego feels it cannot face this fear of mine… It resists this fear most of all.

Being present with this insecurity and fear and deep pain from past experiences, I find there is nothing to DO about it.  Trying to list ways that I am good is just a desperate attempt to escape from the fear that I’m bad.  So this last few days, I have let myself explore the possibility and explore the sensation of feeling like I am bad through and through.  And suddenly, yesterday morning it felt as if a window was opened in my soul.  A stream of sunlight has come through my heart.  I can tell that this root is so deep, I will most likely be healing (integrating) layer after layer of this particular wounding in the future.  I have not come out of this experience with an inner knowing of my own goodness.  I did not have any revelation in particular that I am wonderful or virtuous.  What I did come away with was a lightness of being.  I don’t feel the resistance within me.  I don’t feel the need to prove that I am good so as to avoid this insecurity within myself.  Giving up that desperate fight feels like heaven on earth.  Yesterday, with the slight dissipation of this internal struggle to be seen as good, I was able to really have fun in front of the audience.  From the audience’s perspective, nothing much would have seemed out of the ordinary.  But inside myself I could feel that I was less concerned about how I was coming across and much more concerned about the person who was in front of me.  This lightness of being has followed me into today.

sky-1107952_1280.jpgAs we all know, feelings are like tides.  They are liquid and they come and go.  They cannot be rationalized by the mind.  And the mind’s attempt to control them is nothing more than an abusive marriage.  I may feel differently in a day or a week or a month.  But today I am feeling the exquisite warmth of the internal summer.  I am feeling an inner relief of the background resistance that was always there.  To tell you the honest truth, it felt a bit like a curse.  That there is a beautiful truth. The curse itself is nothing more than your own resistance.  I do not feel the curse as heavy as I usually do today.  And with it, I feel more trust for the universe at large.  I feel like even though it does not feel like it in the moment of attack, everyone’s life is unfolding according to divine plan.  A divine plan that might just work out to everyone’s favor.  In this universe, that is ‘all one’, no one has to lose for someone else to gain.  And this makes me feel like the events that have transpired may just be in favor of everyone’s highest good and eventual joy.

Often years after disappointments and painful circumstances occur, we look back and because hindsight is 20-20, we can clearly see how the very thing we thought was the road to our demise, was the road to our freedom and joy.  This is when we begin to see that everything comes to bless us to the degree that we begin to trust instead of distrust the universe we are inseparable from.  It is highly unfair for us to expect ourselves to see this while we are smack dab in the middle of a seemingly unfair and tragic circumstance.  So don’t force yourself to be grateful for something you truly are not grateful for.

Chances are, unless you are lucky enough to fall off of a park bench and experience a spontaneous awakening, you’re not going to wake up one day and instantly feel the love that this universe at large holds for you and feel like everything is on your side.  But you can begin to develop a different relationship with the universe and begin to see and feel its connection to you.  By doing so, you can begin to live in a state of peace with the universe.  The first step is to dive deep into the places within you that scare you.  Defense can be the alarm, alerting us that this opportunity is present and ready for the taking.

But for today, I challenge you, instead of asking with an attitude of doubt, “If the Universe or God loved me, why would this bad thing have happened or be happening” ask with an attitude of curiosity “Assuming the Universe or God loves me, why did this thing happen or why is it happening?”

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