The walls extended vertically and horizontally for what seemed like hundreds of miles. On the underside of my abdomen, I could feel the gill like folds of my lungs expanding and contracting. My body felt perfectly balanced and suspended between my numerous legs. I could not feel the temperature in the room; I could not feel the pull of gravity or air pressure anymore.
Having been at dinner last night when someone made reference to a woman they knew as a “black widow spider” (because of her tendency to ruin the lives of men she became involved with), I had become curious about spiders in general and about the experience of mating as a spider. So I asked in out of body meditation this morning to experience spider sex.
Low-resolution images of my surroundings surrounded what seemed like 360 degrees around me. It caused the physical sensation of resistance to move in waves through my legs. I have taken for granted the amount that I rely on my eyes in my day-to-day human life. Blurry shadow and light and even a third kind of polarized looking color appeared around me. I could see much better in the shadow than I could in the light. I may not have been able to see as clearly, but movement caused a kind of orgasmic, inspired impulse reaction whereby my middle eyes fixated and created a clearer vision of what lie in the direction of the vibrations. It was as if my eyes, depending on their position, were designed to do and see different things. I could feel the vibration of the earth through my legs and through the hook like bristles on my hind legs.
In my body, I could feel the presence of a fluid. Like blood, it circulated through me. But like liquid copper, it conducted a spiritual energy to and from me; a force so powerful that I have felt nothing like it. I had a stamina that was super human. It was as if I was made of atomic energy. With so much vital energy, there is no perception of “aging”. It felt as if I would live forever unless I met with accident. It felt as if I could not die as a result of aging.
A spider does not only spin physical webs, in fact through it’s hemolymph, it is connected to the energetic web that connects us all. It is what unites us underneath the visual perception of separation. Everything we do affects the collective of all life. Like murmurs, they feel the disturbances and the harmonies of this energetic web that unite us all. To a spider, the lay lines of the earth and the energetic grid of houses are like tenets to live by.
In this body and perspective, it felt like my entire being was a conductor of electricity. My intelligence and consciousness seemed heightened, but heightened for perception instead of for “thinking”. I felt the amplification and transmission of thoughts discarded by people and animals and insects in the air around me, like an overlaid dimension that I was suspended between. I could have felt intention in my body as a physical vibration as clearly as people hear sound waves.
I was compelled by an instinctive internal force to move towards a contained place, where I was blanketed and safe between barriers. Each time I ventured into the light on the wall, I was blinded and a feeling of total vulnerable exposure came over me. It was a similar feeling to the one that I get as a human when I feel like I cannot see what is around me or underneath me in dark water. The promise of the corner of the room waited for me in a welcoming way. I propelled myself towards it, with what felt like no effort.
Having reached the corner, feeling the security of the energy current of the wall pressing against me, I could smell through my legs. And the scent of air, seduced me to an open windowsill. I made my way to a dark area that was still. The reduction in vibrations felt through my body, caused me to feel sedated. I “phased out” of the perspective into darkness before phasing back in again.
As if entering a trance, the inner compulsion to create sanctuary began to consume my body and my movements. It was not effort, it was relief to feel the atomic energy, like a protein milk within me, uncoil itself and leave my body through the glands in my belly. Like a painter creating a painting, the weaving of the web was creating itself through me more than I was creating it. Along the meridians of energy, I laid the strands. There is a geometry to all creations in the universe. A sacred patterning that is encoded within all life. I could feel this patterning underneath me, directing me how to spin the web. The relief intensified as the web progressed and shut out all sensory stimulation. It was as if I was physically enclosing myself in my own meditative cocoon. I un-phased and then re-phrased again.
As if rattled to consciousness, I could feel the reverberations of strong, rhythmic tapping in the web that now encompassed me. I was not frightened by this sensation, imposing as it was. I felt a spark of energy ignite in the center of my body in accordance with each tapping sound. The sound and the pattern of the sound was pleasurable. And so, I allowed the sound to come closer to me, like a song whose volume I wanted to increase. I could feel the presence and soon see the presence of another spider. I was lost in the desire to take the vibrations offered to me by the rhythmic tapping of this spider, deep into me.
I remained still, as if sedated by his “sounds”. I felt him attach weak fibers to my back legs, climb onto me and spool a collection of his life force energy into me. At that very minute, like an internal chain reaction, I felt my body begin to swell and a craving engulfed me. It felt as if an internal black hole began to suck his vital force in. I felt as if it would suck my entire reality as well as myself into itself, an instantaneous implosion. I felt as if all separation was disappearing. As if I had no control of the movement at all, I pulled this spider towards me. With my feet, I rolled him while pitching silk across his body and sunk my fangs into the softness of him.
I felt myself being pulled back from the point of view that I held, pulled back from the ecstasy of carnal indulgence and union. I was once again bathed in the blue light of the ocean mural room in my house, hearing the sounds of the highway. The resolution of the look of the room was crystal clear in comparison to the perspective I had just held.
Female spiders have been known to occasionally cannibalize their mates after mating with them. This self-inflicted widowdom has been viewed as an evolutionary development by scientists. But I can tell you that after last night, having projected myself into the experience of it, my view of the sacred act has changed. I do believe that if a spider is in captivity, where the male spider cannot escape or where the spider is hungry, they will kill their mate for the sake of food. But in the wild, the male spider either surrenders to or escapes the compulsion on the part of the female to “consume him”. But think about food. If we remove the victim, victor aspect of eating, we are in essence consuming that which is “other” so it can become ourselves.
The ultimate union is consumption. Even in human copulation, there is a point you can reach where the intimacy and connection renders the physical body a barrier or detriment to union. The desire arises to take your mate into you and to dissolve into your mate. Perhaps spiders, un- ruled by the conceptual fear of death, have found a way to achieve this union and become one by consuming and by being consumed.
In Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, Friar Laurence gives a speech, which sums up the way I now view the mating experience of spiders: “These violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss consume. The sweetest honey is loathsome in his own deliciousness. And in the taste confounds the appetite”
The masters of time (the “time keepers” as they were called for centuries), spiders are molded in accordance with connectivity; they are shaped (even physically) with the design of infinity. In a universe that is timeless, all past, present and future timelines coexist. The spider, which is the fate weaver of our world, teaches us that our choices create the framework of our future. The spider teaches us that we can manipulate our thoughts, so as to weave the fabric of our lives. The spider teaches us to cease our endless quest to find what we are looking for and instead, draw it to us.
To kill a spider is to destroy your connection to the web that unites all life. To kill a spider is to fear fate and to deny your own creator nature. It is bad luck to kill a spider because in the act of killing a spider, you symbolically destroy your choice to weave the framework of your future. You unconsciously accept a back seat to life, whereby life will deal you whatever hand it wishes to deal you. You deny connection and consciousness and instead, choose disconnection and unconsciousness.
To make peace with the spider is to make peace with your eternal life. To appreciate the spider, is to appreciate your self-created life. To embrace the spider is to embrace the universe in all of its simple complexity. To love the spider, is to feel your innate connection with all that is.