To become new, one has to become dis-identified with the ego. Once you are dis identified with the ego, you no longer care if it lives or dies. It is the ego that dies again and again over the course of our lives. Like a snakeskin, it is shed again and again when the soul expands far enough to outgrow its current restrictions. It is a painful process because the ego resists being broken and left behind. Just like the snake, which is emerging from its old skin, there is a period of intense vulnerability in the transition from new to old. That vulnerability is a kind of tedious, rawness that throbs it’s way throughout your being. You must surrender to the feeling because you cannot escape it. You cannot turn the clock back on your own expansion. I have entered this period of rawness today. I do not know what it is like to live in my new ego skin yet. It is so new it isn’t dry yet. I am intensely sensitive. So sensitive I will spend the day being gentle with myself; slow actions, slow words and slow decisions. Being instead of doing.
I talked to Fallon via instant message last night. I find that when someone has been an every day part of your world, it is as hard to not talk to them as it is to talk to them, regardless of what they did to hurt you. I’m more confused than ever. He expressed to me that he was really upset that I didn’t tell everyone via my blog that when he came up with the answers as to why he was acting like he wanted to hurt me, that he was doing a memory exercise where he was supposed to utilize his stream of consciousness to answer a list of questions that we asked him. I informed him that because of his disorder, he was the only one in the room that thought he was doing a meaningless memory exercise. And I informed him that when you are using your stream of consciousness to answer questions, it means you are removing analytical logic and simply answering from the heart. I then informed him that you only share answers like that with other people, if you are confirming the answers to the group. He said the things he said (that he wanted to silence me and force me to hang myself and take my son) were just the first things that popped into his head and that they could have been right or wrong. And that he thought we had all gone crazy when we reacted as seriously as we did. And that he thought we would realize that his answers were all “gibberish” because it was just a memory (write down the very first thing that comes to mind regardless of whether it’s true or not true) exercise. He then went on to say that the reason he decided to leave was that he had no feeling (did not care) for how I was feeling and for what that information would do to me. To him, that lack of caring was way scarier than his actual answers, which he thought were meaningless gibberish. Perhaps a major issue over the course of our entire relationship is that he always saw me as his teacher who he happened to be romantically involved with and not as a woman who was his lover and who needed his support and so that night, he answered me as a student and not as a man; expecting me to be emotionally removed from his answers as if I was his guru and it was just a beneficial exercise for him.
I’m in a frustrating position, because my personal pain is so loud in this scenario, that my extrasensory gifts have taken a back seat. I want to believe him. And this explanation of his would reasonably explain his complete detachment from the seriousness of what he said that night. And people, who have anti social personality disorder, do always make things about themselves (I.e. tonight is about the group helping me to do a memory exercise to find out why I keep hurting Teal, vs. The group is trying to find out for themselves the real truth about why I keep hurting Teal). But it is hard to believe that someone as intelligent as he is could be that far off base about what was occurring that night. He also is known to frequently use two manipulation tactics when he wants people to see him in a different light, called gas lighting and re-framing. I talked to Mark about it for a long time last night and he said something very intelligent. He said that you can only deal with the information that is right in front of you at this moment and since I don’t have the information right at this very moment about whether he’s being genuine or is manipulatively reframing something, then the only information I do have to go off of is that I’m dealing with a man who does not give straight answers, so I can never know if he is being genuine or being manipulative. All my decisions therefore need to be made off of that knowledge.
If I were in his position and telling the truth, I would feel desperate to get people to believe me. I would also feel hurt and hopeless that everyone is so skeptical of my motives. It would feel like a prison that I'm frantically trying to get out of, to be at the mercy of their consideration of the possibility that I'm just trying to manipulate them again. That position feels like torture, and so, I feel deep empathy for him if this is the case. But even if he is telling the complete truth about what happened that night, the fact that he could say those things with no regard to the effect they would have one me (given my childhood), is grounds enough to not be in the same vicinity as him. He seems to agree with this, after all, this is the reason he willingly left and was checked into a psych ward. This is still all very sad though, on many levels.
I felt the need to breathe yesterday. Suddenly, being cooped up in my house made it hard to do that. So, I took a hike with Blake, Graciela, Bonne and Gabriel Morris (who is visiting Park City as part of his world travels). We hiked along the ridge of my favorite ski resort (PCMR). We threw rocks off the edge of two cliffs, which is one of my favorite release processes. You pretend the rocks themselves are whatever you’re trying to throw away or let go of. A hawk was calling from its perch on a nearby tree. And then a fox began to sound its alarm bark in an aspen forest at the base of the mountain. The sun went down while we were walking. Even though it is not yet winter, alpine glow turned an entire part of the horizon, a rosy color. That rose color, kissed the familiar indigo of twilight and held it close to the earth, making everything look and feel surreal. The beauty snuck its way through the pain of my life, like light sneaking it’s way into a dark tunnel. It is a good sign that hope and relief are not so far away.
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