• My Love Life

    September 19th 2013

    One of my shadows came out into the open last night.  It is amazing that no matter how aware we may think we are, we can still be essentially blind to our own patterns.  When I was fifteen, I fell in love for the first time with a boy named Trevor. He was a red headed hockey player from Alaska.  Ironically, his father was a friend to my mother way back when she was in college.  To say that I loved him is an understatement.  I loved him so completely, I felt like I had lost my soul.  We were together until I was 18 years old.  It was a long distance relationship.  We barely saw each other.  But it felt like my life hung on the letters he would send me through the mail.  That love was the only thing I had to hold on to during those years of abuse.  I never told him what was happening to me at home.  All he knew was that I was getting more and more unhappy.  Being a “golden boy”, his life was all about success.  He had not suffered much in life; just worked hard to be the captain of every sports team he was on and an honors student etc.   His list of accolades could go on for miles.  Needless to say he had a very hard time relating to the way I hated life.  When I was 18, a boy I knew back in Utah proposed to me.  I cried when he proposed and refused him because being proposed to made my heart sink.  It sank because of how much it let me know that I loved Trevor.  I flew up to Alaska to see him on a moments notice after having not seen him for over half a year.  In the journal entry I wrote on the airplane on the way there I said, “I’m praying it will be the same as it always was between us.  I’d rather die than find out that the time that has passed between us has ruined us for each other; I’m so afraid of that.”  Well, my worst fears did come true.

    When I got to Alaska, things were different.  He was less enamored with me because I had become too “dark and depressing”.  My self-inflicted cuts embarrassed him (and I think scared him a little).  He became cold towards me and even elected to spend time away from me with the other boys on his hockey team while I was there.  The rejection was more than I could handle.  At the end of the trip, he read my journal entries in secret about how I felt and he started crying.  He apologized and spent the last two days of the trip trying to show me love.  But the damage had already been done.  The fact that someone that I was so utterly in love with, could look at me like all the Mormons looked at me back home, destroyed my self-confidence completely.  My heart broke.  It was the root from which all of my romantic problems would grow.  I adopted the unshakable belief that I was too dark to love.  I believed that no man could love me with my problems.  When I left both Trevor and I cried at the airport.  Flying home, I felt this terrible sense of emotional severing.  It was motivation enough to devise a plan to run away from my home to live near him.  That plan was foiled upon my return.

    When I got back home, I walked in the front door of my house and visited for ten minutes with my parents and then noticed that my dog wasn’t anywhere to be found.  I asked them “where is Sidney?”  My father said, “Sidney died while you were away”.  Suddenly the room started spinning.  I felt sick to my stomach.  Sidney (my dog) was not just a pet.  He was the only friend I had other than my horse (which had been sold earlier that year).  He had slept in my bed every night with me since I was young.  They explained that my childhood abuser had come over to inspect him because he was acting weird (panting hard etc.) and had informed them that Sidney had to be put down.  And so, he did.  Right there on the spot.  My parents had no idea what that meant.  But I did.  I ran out the door.  I sat in the grass rocking myself back and forth and crying.  Sure enough, when I saw my abuser again, he informed me that his death was a punishment for going away.  He said to me, “If you don’t stop this with him (meaning Trevor), I’ll put your brother to sleep too”.  And so, that night, I called Trevor on the phone.  He told me that he missed me so much that it hurt.  Trevor was the love of my life, but as far as I was knew, I had to decide between love or my brother’s life.  And that is the kind of choice that already has an answer before it is asked.  I knew Trevor wouldn’t accept the break up without a good reason.  And so I gave him one.  Trevor was the type who requires strict fidelity in a mate.  So I told him the lie that I didn’t feel the same way about him and that I had slept with another man.  His world was shattered.  The relationship was over and I stopped thinking that it was possible to find someone who I truly loved.  I gave up on life as well.  I tried to commit suicide twice that year.  And ever since then, I have felt like I am just too dark and the effects of my past are just too big for a man to love me past the phase of initial excitement.

    I was on a modeling shoot when I was seventeen years old and a man at the photo shoot (who loved cars) told me that all women can be related to a type of car.  According to him, the unappealing, mean women are like rusted Buicks that you don’t even want to drive.  The women who are homely but friendly are like your basic Ford Taurus; there isn’t much special about them, but they never let you down and they are low maintenance.  The pretty girls who aren’t very smart are like Honda Civics.  They aren’t very original but they handle well and they only need a little basic maintenance.  The pretty, smart girls are like BMWs.  They take a little more maintenance, but it is worth it because they make you look like you’ve got your shit together.  And then there are the women who stop traffic.  They are not just pretty, they are gorgeous and they are intelligent too.  Those women are like Ferraris.  They take a lot of maintenance and you have to order out all the parts that make them work but they are unforgettable and driving them, is what dreams are made of.  This man told me that I was like a Ferrari.  It was a compliment when he said it to me 12 years ago, but it has become the symbol of my terrible self-concept relative to dating.  You see, I feel like I’m that Ferrari that a man is so excited to buy, until he drives it home and finds out that he has purchased a “lemon” (In other words a car that is found to be defective only after it is purchased).  And true to form, I’ve attracted an endless parade of men who have reinforced this belief for me.  They end up deciding that being with me is just too hard.  They end up feeling like my problems are too big for them and that no matter what, they cannot make me happy.  They decide I am “too dark” and “too intense”.  And it has only gotten worse since I took the world stage as a spiritual guide.  People expect that I have transcended all of the effects of my childhood abuse and are surprised to find that I still struggle in any way.  They think my world is all sunshine, gumdrops and roses.  When it isn’t.  They don’t realize that throughout my years of enduring torture, as a way to escape my abuse, I learned how to increase my frequency to such a degree that I am an exact vibrational match to the frequency of my higher self.  And thus, when I am teaching, I often hold a different perspective (a much more transcendental perspective) than I do when I am fully participating in my limited physical perspective.  They do not understand that the work of my life is to marry those two perspectives so that the vibrational gap between them disappears; at which point I will be a walking embodiment of my higher self.  But in order to do that, I cannot run from my physical perspective by trying to “transcend” it.  To try to transcend it is to run away from it by trying to rise above and away from it.  I can only fully integrate these perspectives and become the truest expression of myself by fully embracing that which I perceive as my “lower self” (and by doing so realize that it is not lower… instead it is the necessary cause and therefore vehicle for my expansion).  People expect me to always act like the perfectly enlightened being they imagine me to be in their minds.  And then, they feel let down or tricked when they see me seizure or get triggered as the result of a movie preview that reminded me of my past.  And I feel ashamed of myself.  I discourage men from pursuing me, because I cannot take the feeling of being told that I am too difficult or too dark.  After all, that is what I have been trying to get away from all my life.

    This week a very famous actor, who had seen my videos on you tube and had decided that he wanted to take me on a date, contacted me.  We had been talking and texting each other over the course of a few days.  I began opening up about my life and had mentioned the fact that I do not travel alone due to my past and that I still struggle with PTSD.  And that was all she wrote.  Though he complimented me on my brilliance, talent and beauty (in and out), he was disappointed to learn that I had not completely transcended my past.  He did not want to complicate his life with someone who was still dealing with as much as I am.  He could not suffer the pain of a difficult relationship with yet another woman who was struggling with trauma (according to him, his past two relationships ended painfully because both of the women had experienced horrible trauma).  He said that he is worried that I am too attached to my pain and that he is not currently interested in exploring the darker side of spirituality (shadow work).   And though I understand his fear, it hurt like hell.  But there is a plus size to the pain… I saw my pattern clearly today.  I saw it for where it stemmed from.  I saw it for what it’s doing to my life.  I saw that it has caused every break up I’ve had since Trevor.  It has tainted my willingness to love in a romantic way.  And I have decided today that I am done with it.  I realized today that I cannot ask someone who does not love my shadow, to love my shadow.  But I can ask for a man who will love all of me…including my shadow.  So here goes.

    I decided I do want to fall in love again.  I am ready to be vulnerable again.  I am ready to know that I can be loved exactly where I am.  I am ready to be loved with my shadow.  I am ready for my shadow to be treated like a beloved part of my depth and substance, instead of like a shortcoming.  I want a man who would rather move the statue of liberty to my front yard, than lose me.  I want a man whose happiness includes my happiness (in other words seeing me happy makes him feel happy).  I want a man who will find my darkness beautiful because he sees that my past and the effects of my past are the soil, which has given rise the lotus of my life.  I want a man to see the beauty and necessity of my vision so clearly that his happiness is served in part by enabling my vision and financially supporting me while I carry it out.  I want a man who sees the full story of who I am as beautiful… not just the final chapters.


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    So sad that the man who brought the  statue of liberty and the eifel tower  to your door step did not work out either .My goodness Teal , this is tricky business with relationships. After of havening a couple of marriages I feel I am done now.I really do not think that I am able to be  in a relationship.I am sad for you and Ale , he must be going through utter hell at the moment .You have your dog, cats , son , community ..who does he have ?  I really feel sorry for Ale , I know he will too get through this ...we all do eventually ....looking forward to meeting you in Stockholm . 

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    This is a testimony that i will tell to every one to hear. i have been
    married four 4years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had 
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    I am very happy today with my family. My husband left me for a good 3 years now, and i love him so much, i have been looking for a way to get him back since then. i have tried many options but he did not come back, until i met a friend that darted me to Dr.gbojie a spell caster, who helped me to bring back my husband after 2 weeks. Me and my husband are living happily together today, That man is great, you can contact him via email gbojiespiritualtemple@gmail.com Now i will advice any serious persons that found themselves in this kind of problem to contact him now a fast solution without steress.. He always hello, now i call him my father.contact him now he is always online email (gbojiespiritualtemplre@gmailcom ) or contact him on his whatsapp mobile +2349066410185 or contact him on his website:https://gbojiespelltemple.wordpress.com

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    Urgent effective love Spell caster to help you bring back ex lover & save you marriage fast contact:prophetoyinbojesus@gmail.com is certainly the best spell caster online and his result is 100% guarantee!. 
    My Name Glenda his form Tx,USA. After 12years of marriage, me and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me and moved to California to be with another woman. I felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr oyinbo can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a (Love spell) for me. 28 hours later, my husband really called me and told me that he miss me and the kids so much, So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and the kids. Then from that day,our Marriage was now stronger than how it were before, All thanks to Dr oyinbo. he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that Dr.oyinbo real and powerful spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are here and you need your Ex back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact: Call/WhatsApp:+2348074066640 ,Email him at: prophetoyinbojesus@gmail.com

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    Urgent effective love Spell caster to help you bring back ex lover & save you marriage fast contact:prophetoyinbojesus@gmail.com is certainly the best spell caster online and his result is 100% guarantee!. 
    My Name Glenda his form Tx,USA. After 12years of marriage, me and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me and moved to California to be with another woman. I felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr oyinbo can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a (Love spell) for me. 28 hours later, my husband really called me and told me that he miss me and the kids so much, So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and the kids. Then from that day,our Marriage was now stronger than how it were before, All thanks to Dr oyinbo. he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that Dr.oyinbo real and powerful spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are here and you need your Ex back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact: Call/WhatsApp:+2348074066640 ,Email him at: prophetoyinbojesus@gmail.com

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    I feel so blessed again in my marriage after Doctor gbojie brought back my husband that separated with me for good 3 mounths. Am Jessica Butler by name from los angeles. Even though i have mouths all over my body, it won't be enough to thank Doctor gbojie for his help upon my life. My husband separated with me for the 3 months and have been in pains and agony without him. So, i searched for help everywhere but nothing worked out not until i meant Doctor gbojie who i contacted online. I explained my situation to him and he promised that my husband will get back to me within 24 to 48 hours as far that my heart still beats for him. I believed in him and he prepared a spell for me and my husband called me exactly when Doctor gbojie said. He pleaded and said he needs me back and now we are living happily again for the past 9 months. Everyone out there reading my article that needs help should contact him website:https://gbojiespelltemple.wordpress.com

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    Hello My name is Monica, Am from USA, Texas. and I am very happy for posting on this blog on how a great spell caster helped me in bringing back the love of my life. I know there are lots of woman like me out there who have done so much to have back their Husband, I am here to tell you all to search no further because the answer is right here. I sincerely believe if there are up to five spell casters like Dr Landy this world would be a better place, I have seen people complaining on how fake spell castes promised to help them but couldn’t but with Dr Landy I tell you your problem is solved already. My Husband and I had been apart for 4 YEARS and I couldn’t bear without living with him, I have tried everything to have him back but nothing was working until I saw numerous testimonies about a spell caster called Dr Landy and how great his work is. I contacted him via email landylovespell@gmail.com immediately and follow the step that he ask and in less than 48 hours my lover called me and was eager for my forgiveness and that he wished nothing more than to have me in his arms forever. I filled so much joy and happiness that I found Dr Landy , I hope you all here will find this testimony of mine and get your husband back in just 48 hours thanks… contact his email: landylovespell@gmail.com or landylovespell@yahoo.com you can whatsApp him +2347053160384

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    1. My names is Cathy i want to testify about the great spell caster called Priest Ade my husband and i have been married for 5 years now we don't have a child and the doctor told us i can't give birth because my womb have been damaged due to wrong drugs prescription this got me so worried and my husband was not happy so he decided to get married to another girl and divorce me i was so sad i told my friend about it she told me about a powerful spell caster she gave me his email address well i never believe in it that much though i just decided to give him a try and he told me it will take 24hrs to get my husband back to me and i will get pregnant i doubted him the 3rd day my husband came back to me and was crying he said he didn't want the divorce anymore 3 weeks after the doctor confirmed that i was pregnant he can also help you contact him at

    4334.jpg

    My names is Cathy i want to testify about the great spell caster called Priest Ade my husband and i have been married for 5 years now we don't have a child and the doctor told us i can't give birth because my womb have been damaged due to wrong drugs prescription this got me so worried and my husband was not happy so he decided to get married to another girl and divorce me i was so sad i told my friend about it she told me about a powerful spell caster she gave me his email address well i never believe in it that much though i just decided to give him a try and he told me it will take 24hrs to get my husband back to me and i will get pregnant i doubted him the 3rd day my husband came back to me and was crying he said he didn't want the divorce anymore 3 weeks after the doctor confirmed that i was pregnant he can also help you contact him at

    77.jpg

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    My names is Cathy i want to testify about the great spell caster called Priest Ade my husband and i have been married for 5 years now we don't have a child and the doctor told us i can't give birth because my womb have been damaged due to wrong drugs prescription this got me so worried and my husband was not happy so he decided to get married to another girl and divorce me i was so sad i told my friend about it she told me about a powerful spell caster she gave me his email address well i never believe in it that much though i just decided to give him a try and he told me it will take 24hrs to get my husband back to me and i will get pregnant i doubted him the 3rd day my husband came back to me and was crying he said he didn't want the divorce anymore 3 weeks after the doctor confirmed that i was pregnant he can also help you contact him at

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    My name is martin Marisa from Canada, I want to quickly tell the world that there is a real on line spell caster that is powerful and genuine, His name is Dr ozalogbo He helped me recently to reunite my relationship with my husband who left me, When i contacted Dr ozalogbo he cast a love spell for me, and my husband who said he doesn't have anything to do with me again called me and started begging me to come back. he is back now with so much love and care. today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the powers to restore broken relationship back. because i am now happy with my husband. To anyone who is reading this article and needs any help, Dr ozalogbo can also offer any type of help like, Curing of all types of Diseases, Court Cases, Pregnancy Spell, Spiritual protection and lot's more. You can contact him Via his email ozalogboshrine@yahoo.com or ozalogboshrine@gmail.com call or add him on whatsapp with his phone number +2348162562991

    My name is martin Marisa from Canada, I want to quickly tell the world that there is a real on line spell caster that is powerful and genuine, His name is Dr ozalogbo He helped me recently to reunite my relationship with my husband who left me, When i contacted Dr ozalogbo he cast a love spell for me, and my husband who said he doesn't have anything to do with me again called me and started begging me to come back. he is back now with so much love and care. today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the powers to restore broken relationship back. because i am now happy with my husband. To anyone who is reading this article and needs any help, Dr ozalogbo can also offer any type of help like, Curing of all types of Diseases, Court Cases, Pregnancy Spell, Spiritual protection and lot's more. You can contact him Via his email ozalogboshrine@yahoo.com or ozalogboshrine@gmail.com call or add him on whatsapp with his phone number +2348162562991

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    Hello My name is Monica, Am from USA, Texas. and I am very happy for posting on this blog on how a great spell caster helped me in bringing back the love of my life. I know there are lots of woman like me out there who have done so much to have back their Husband, I am here to tell you all to search no further because the answer is right here. I sincerely believe if there are up to five spell casters like Dr Landy this world would be a better place, I have seen people complaining on how fake spell castes promised to help them but couldn’t but with Dr Landy I tell you your problem is solved already. My Husband and I had been apart for 4 YEARS and I couldn’t bear without living with him, I have tried everything to have him back but nothing was working until I saw numerous testimonies about a spell caster called Dr Landy and how great his work is. I contacted him via email landylovespell@gmail.com immediately and follow the step that he ask and in less than 48 hours my lover called me and was eager for my forgiveness and that he wished nothing more than to have me in his arms forever. I filled so much joy and happiness that I found Dr Landy , I hope you all here will find this testimony of mine and get your husband back in just 48 hours thanks… contact his email: landylovespell@gmail.com or landylovespell@yahoo.com you can whatsApp him +2347053160384

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    Hello My name is Monica, Am from USA, Texas. and I am very happy for posting on this blog on how a great spell caster helped me in bringing back the love of my life. I know there are lots of woman like me out there who have done so much to have back their Husband, I am here to tell you all to search no further because the answer is right here. I sincerely believe if there are up to five spell casters like Dr Landy this world would be a better place, I have seen people complaining on how fake spell castes promised to help them but couldn’t but with Dr Landy I tell you your problem is solved already. My Husband and I had been apart for 4 YEARS and I couldn’t bear without living with him, I have tried everything to have him back but nothing was working until I saw numerous testimonies about a spell caster called Dr Landy and how great his work is. I contacted him via email landylovespell@gmail.com immediately and follow the step that he ask and in less than 48 hours my lover called me and was eager for my forgiveness and that he wished nothing more than to have me in his arms forever. I filled so much joy and happiness that I found Dr Landy , I hope you all here will find this testimony of mine and get your husband back in just 48 hours thanks… contact his email: landylovespell@gmail.com or landylovespell@yahoo.com you can whatsApp him +2347053160384

    Hello My name is Monica, Am from USA, Texas. and I am very happy for posting on this blog on how a great spell caster helped me in bringing back the love of my life. I know there are lots of woman like me out there who have done so much to have back their Husband, I am here to tell you all to search no further because the answer is right here. I sincerely believe if there are up to five spell casters like Dr Landy this world would be a better place, I have seen people complaining on how fake spell castes promised to help them but couldn’t but with Dr Landy I tell you your problem is solved already. My Husband and I had been apart for 4 YEARS and I couldn’t bear without living with him, I have tried everything to have him back but nothing was working until I saw numerous testimonies about a spell caster called Dr Landy and how great his work is. I contacted him via email landylovespell@gmail.com immediately and follow the step that he ask and in less than 48 hours my lover called me and was eager for my forgiveness and that he wished nothing more than to have me in his arms forever. I filled so much joy and happiness that I found Dr Landy , I hope you all here will find this testimony of mine and get your husband back in just 48 hours thanks… contact his email: landylovespell@gmail.com or landylovespell@yahoo.com you can whatsApp him +2347053160384

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    My name is martin Marisa from Canada, I want to quickly tell the world that there is a real on line spell caster that is powerful and genuine, His name is Dr ozalogbo He helped me recently to reunite my relationship with my husband who left me, When i contacted Dr ozalogbo he cast a love spell for me, and my husband who said he doesn't have anything to do with me again called me and started begging me to come back. he is back now with so much love and care. today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the powers to restore broken relationship back. because i am now happy with my husband. To anyone who is reading this article and needs any help, Dr ozalogbo can also offer any type of help like, Curing of all types of Diseases, Court Cases, Pregnancy Spell, Spiritual protection and lot's more. You can contact him Via his email ozalogboshrine@yahoo.com or ozalogboshrine@gmail.com call or add him on whatsapp with his phone number +2348162562991

    My name is martin Marisa from Canada, I want to quickly tell the world that there is a real on line spell caster that is powerful and genuine, His name is Dr ozalogbo He helped me recently to reunite my relationship with my husband who left me, When i contacted Dr ozalogbo he cast a love spell for me, and my husband who said he doesn't have anything to do with me again called me and started begging me to come back. he is back now with so much love and care. today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the powers to restore broken relationship back. because i am now happy with my husband. To anyone who is reading this article and needs any help, Dr ozalogbo can also offer any type of help like, Curing of all types of Diseases, Court Cases, Pregnancy Spell, Spiritual protection and lot's more. You can contact him Via his email ozalogboshrine@yahoo.com or ozalogboshrine@gmail.com call or add him on whatsapp with his phone number +2348162562991

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    My name is martin Marisa from Canada, I want to quickly tell the world that there is a real on line spell caster that is powerful and genuine, His name is Dr ozalogbo He helped me recently to reunite my relationship with my husband who left me, When i contacted Dr ozalogbo he cast a love spell for me, and my husband who said he doesn't have anything to do with me again called me and started begging me to come back. he is back now with so much love and care. today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the powers to restore broken relationship back. because i am now happy with my husband. To anyone who is reading this article and needs any help, Dr ozalogbo can also offer any type of help like, Curing of all types of Diseases, Court Cases, Pregnancy Spell, Spiritual protection and lot's more. You can contact him Via his email ozalogboshrine@yahoo.com or ozalogboshrine@gmail.com call or add him on whatsapp with his phone number +2348162562991

    My name is martin Marisa from Canada, I want to quickly tell the world that there is a real on line spell caster that is powerful and genuine, His name is Dr ozalogbo He helped me recently to reunite my relationship with my husband who left me, When i contacted Dr ozalogbo he cast a love spell for me, and my husband who said he doesn't have anything to do with me again called me and started begging me to come back. he is back now with so much love and care. today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the powers to restore broken relationship back. because i am now happy with my husband. To anyone who is reading this article and needs any help, Dr ozalogbo can also offer any type of help like, Curing of all types of Diseases, Court Cases, Pregnancy Spell, Spiritual protection and lot's more. You can contact him Via his email ozalogboshrine@yahoo.com or ozalogboshrine@gmail.com call or add him on whatsapp with his phone number +2348162562991

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    My name is martin Marisa from Canada, I want to quickly tell the world that there is a real on line spell caster that is powerful and genuine, His name is Dr ozalogbo He helped me recently to reunite my relationship with my husband who left me, When i contacted Dr ozalogbo he cast a love spell for me, and my husband who said he doesn't have anything to do with me again called me and started begging me to come back. he is back now with so much love and care. today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the powers to restore broken relationship back. because i am now happy with my husband. To anyone who is reading this article and needs any help, Dr ozalogbo can also offer any type of help like, Curing of all types of Diseases, Court Cases, Pregnancy Spell, Spiritual protection and lot's more. You can contact him Via his email ozalogboshrine@yahoo.com or ozalogboshrine@gmail.com call or add him on whatsapp with his phone number +2348162562991

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