• My Love Life

    September 19th 2013

    One of my shadows came out into the open last night.  It is amazing that no matter how aware we may think we are, we can still be essentially blind to our own patterns.  When I was fifteen, I fell in love for the first time with a boy named Trevor. He was a red headed hockey player from Alaska.  Ironically, his father was a friend to my mother way back when she was in college.  To say that I loved him is an understatement.  I loved him so completely, I felt like I had lost my soul.  We were together until I was 18 years old.  It was a long distance relationship.  We barely saw each other.  But it felt like my life hung on the letters he would send me through the mail.  That love was the only thing I had to hold on to during those years of abuse.  I never told him what was happening to me at home.  All he knew was that I was getting more and more unhappy.  Being a “golden boy”, his life was all about success.  He had not suffered much in life; just worked hard to be the captain of every sports team he was on and an honors student etc.   His list of accolades could go on for miles.  Needless to say he had a very hard time relating to the way I hated life.  When I was 18, a boy I knew back in Utah proposed to me.  I cried when he proposed and refused him because being proposed to made my heart sink.  It sank because of how much it let me know that I loved Trevor.  I flew up to Alaska to see him on a moments notice after having not seen him for over half a year.  In the journal entry I wrote on the airplane on the way there I said, “I’m praying it will be the same as it always was between us.  I’d rather die than find out that the time that has passed between us has ruined us for each other; I’m so afraid of that.”  Well, my worst fears did come true.

    When I got to Alaska, things were different.  He was less enamored with me because I had become too “dark and depressing”.  My self-inflicted cuts embarrassed him (and I think scared him a little).  He became cold towards me and even elected to spend time away from me with the other boys on his hockey team while I was there.  The rejection was more than I could handle.  At the end of the trip, he read my journal entries in secret about how I felt and he started crying.  He apologized and spent the last two days of the trip trying to show me love.  But the damage had already been done.  The fact that someone that I was so utterly in love with, could look at me like all the Mormons looked at me back home, destroyed my self-confidence completely.  My heart broke.  It was the root from which all of my romantic problems would grow.  I adopted the unshakable belief that I was too dark to love.  I believed that no man could love me with my problems.  When I left both Trevor and I cried at the airport.  Flying home, I felt this terrible sense of emotional severing.  It was motivation enough to devise a plan to run away from my home to live near him.  That plan was foiled upon my return.

    When I got back home, I walked in the front door of my house and visited for ten minutes with my parents and then noticed that my dog wasn’t anywhere to be found.  I asked them “where is Sidney?”  My father said, “Sidney died while you were away”.  Suddenly the room started spinning.  I felt sick to my stomach.  Sidney (my dog) was not just a pet.  He was the only friend I had other than my horse (which had been sold earlier that year).  He had slept in my bed every night with me since I was young.  They explained that my childhood abuser had come over to inspect him because he was acting weird (panting hard etc.) and had informed them that Sidney had to be put down.  And so, he did.  Right there on the spot.  My parents had no idea what that meant.  But I did.  I ran out the door.  I sat in the grass rocking myself back and forth and crying.  Sure enough, when I saw my abuser again, he informed me that his death was a punishment for going away.  He said to me, “If you don’t stop this with him (meaning Trevor), I’ll put your brother to sleep too”.  And so, that night, I called Trevor on the phone.  He told me that he missed me so much that it hurt.  Trevor was the love of my life, but as far as I was knew, I had to decide between love or my brother’s life.  And that is the kind of choice that already has an answer before it is asked.  I knew Trevor wouldn’t accept the break up without a good reason.  And so I gave him one.  Trevor was the type who requires strict fidelity in a mate.  So I told him the lie that I didn’t feel the same way about him and that I had slept with another man.  His world was shattered.  The relationship was over and I stopped thinking that it was possible to find someone who I truly loved.  I gave up on life as well.  I tried to commit suicide twice that year.  And ever since then, I have felt like I am just too dark and the effects of my past are just too big for a man to love me past the phase of initial excitement.

    I was on a modeling shoot when I was seventeen years old and a man at the photo shoot (who loved cars) told me that all women can be related to a type of car.  According to him, the unappealing, mean women are like rusted Buicks that you don’t even want to drive.  The women who are homely but friendly are like your basic Ford Taurus; there isn’t much special about them, but they never let you down and they are low maintenance.  The pretty girls who aren’t very smart are like Honda Civics.  They aren’t very original but they handle well and they only need a little basic maintenance.  The pretty, smart girls are like BMWs.  They take a little more maintenance, but it is worth it because they make you look like you’ve got your shit together.  And then there are the women who stop traffic.  They are not just pretty, they are gorgeous and they are intelligent too.  Those women are like Ferraris.  They take a lot of maintenance and you have to order out all the parts that make them work but they are unforgettable and driving them, is what dreams are made of.  This man told me that I was like a Ferrari.  It was a compliment when he said it to me 12 years ago, but it has become the symbol of my terrible self-concept relative to dating.  You see, I feel like I’m that Ferrari that a man is so excited to buy, until he drives it home and finds out that he has purchased a “lemon” (In other words a car that is found to be defective only after it is purchased).  And true to form, I’ve attracted an endless parade of men who have reinforced this belief for me.  They end up deciding that being with me is just too hard.  They end up feeling like my problems are too big for them and that no matter what, they cannot make me happy.  They decide I am “too dark” and “too intense”.  And it has only gotten worse since I took the world stage as a spiritual guide.  People expect that I have transcended all of the effects of my childhood abuse and are surprised to find that I still struggle in any way.  They think my world is all sunshine, gumdrops and roses.  When it isn’t.  They don’t realize that throughout my years of enduring torture, as a way to escape my abuse, I learned how to increase my frequency to such a degree that I am an exact vibrational match to the frequency of my higher self.  And thus, when I am teaching, I often hold a different perspective (a much more transcendental perspective) than I do when I am fully participating in my limited physical perspective.  They do not understand that the work of my life is to marry those two perspectives so that the vibrational gap between them disappears; at which point I will be a walking embodiment of my higher self.  But in order to do that, I cannot run from my physical perspective by trying to “transcend” it.  To try to transcend it is to run away from it by trying to rise above and away from it.  I can only fully integrate these perspectives and become the truest expression of myself by fully embracing that which I perceive as my “lower self” (and by doing so realize that it is not lower… instead it is the necessary cause and therefore vehicle for my expansion).  People expect me to always act like the perfectly enlightened being they imagine me to be in their minds.  And then, they feel let down or tricked when they see me seizure or get triggered as the result of a movie preview that reminded me of my past.  And I feel ashamed of myself.  I discourage men from pursuing me, because I cannot take the feeling of being told that I am too difficult or too dark.  After all, that is what I have been trying to get away from all my life.

    This week a very famous actor, who had seen my videos on you tube and had decided that he wanted to take me on a date, contacted me.  We had been talking and texting each other over the course of a few days.  I began opening up about my life and had mentioned the fact that I do not travel alone due to my past and that I still struggle with PTSD.  And that was all she wrote.  Though he complimented me on my brilliance, talent and beauty (in and out), he was disappointed to learn that I had not completely transcended my past.  He did not want to complicate his life with someone who was still dealing with as much as I am.  He could not suffer the pain of a difficult relationship with yet another woman who was struggling with trauma (according to him, his past two relationships ended painfully because both of the women had experienced horrible trauma).  He said that he is worried that I am too attached to my pain and that he is not currently interested in exploring the darker side of spirituality (shadow work).   And though I understand his fear, it hurt like hell.  But there is a plus size to the pain… I saw my pattern clearly today.  I saw it for where it stemmed from.  I saw it for what it’s doing to my life.  I saw that it has caused every break up I’ve had since Trevor.  It has tainted my willingness to love in a romantic way.  And I have decided today that I am done with it.  I realized today that I cannot ask someone who does not love my shadow, to love my shadow.  But I can ask for a man who will love all of me…including my shadow.  So here goes.

    I decided I do want to fall in love again.  I am ready to be vulnerable again.  I am ready to know that I can be loved exactly where I am.  I am ready to be loved with my shadow.  I am ready for my shadow to be treated like a beloved part of my depth and substance, instead of like a shortcoming.  I want a man who would rather move the statue of liberty to my front yard, than lose me.  I want a man whose happiness includes my happiness (in other words seeing me happy makes him feel happy).  I want a man who will find my darkness beautiful because he sees that my past and the effects of my past are the soil, which has given rise the lotus of my life.  I want a man to see the beauty and necessity of my vision so clearly that his happiness is served in part by enabling my vision and financially supporting me while I carry it out.  I want a man who sees the full story of who I am as beautiful… not just the final chapters.


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    My names is Cathy i want to testify about the great spell caster called Priest Ade my husband and i have been married for 5 years now we don't have a child and the doctor told us i can't give birth because my womb have been damaged due to wrong drugs prescription this got me so worried and my husband was not happy so he decided to get married to another girl and divorce me i was so sad i told my friend about it she told me about a powerful spell caster  she gave me his email address well i never believe in it that much though i just decided to give him a try and he told me it will take 24hrs to get my husband back to me and i will get pregnant i doubted him the 3rd day my husband came back to me and was crying he said he didn't want the divorce anymore 3 weeks after the doctor confirmed that i was pregnant he can also help you Email him at ancientspiritspellcast@yahoo.com or ancientspiritspellcast@gmail.com  WhatsApp +2347059715465 

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    WOW!! This is the most wonderful thing i have ever experience and i need to share this great testimony..I visited a forum here on the internet on the 8TH MATCH 2017, And i saw a marvelous testimony of this powerful and great spell caster called Dr voodoo on the forum..I never believed it, because i never heard or learn anything about magic before.. No body would have been able to convince me about magical spells, not until Dr voodoo did a marvelous work for me and restored my marriage of 6 years back to me and brought my spouse back to me in the same 24 hours just as i read on the internet..i was truly flabbergasted and shocked when my husband kneel down begging for forgiveness and for me to accept him back.. I am really short of words and joy, and i don't know how much to convey my appreciation to you Dr voodoo you are a God sent to me and my entire family.. And now i am a joyful woman once again.. here is his email voodoospelltemple66@gmail.com you can also add Dr.voodoo on whatsApp +2349061243458

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    MY name is kapil weafer, I feel very happy to share my great and wonderful testimony with everyone on this site..: I was married for 4 years to my husband and all of a sudden another woman came into the picture he started hating me and he was abusive. but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost.... He filed for divorce and my whole life was turning apart and i didn't know what to do, he moved out of the house and abandoned me and the kids... my very close friend told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster so i decided to try it. although i didn't believe in all those things then when he did the special prayers and spell, after 2 days, my husband came back and was pleading that he had realized his mistakes I just couldn't believe it, anyway we are back together now and we are happy in case anyone needs help here is his email address; driraborspellcaster@gmail.com His spells is for a better life OR call his number +13019098775 

    MY name is kapil weafer, I feel very happy to share my great and wonderful testimony with everyone on this site..: I was married for 4 years to my husband and all of a sudden another woman came into the picture he started hating me and he was abusive. but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost.... He filed for divorce and my whole life was turning apart and i didn't know what to do, he moved out of the house and abandoned me and the kids... my very close friend told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster so i decided to try it. although i didn't believe in all those things then when he did the special prayers and spell, after 2 days, my husband came back and was pleading that he had realized his mistakes I just couldn't believe it, anyway we are back together now and we are happy in case anyone needs help here is his email address; driraborspellcaster@gmail.com His spells is for a better life OR call his number +13019098775 

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    After being in relationship with Wilson for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that don't believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I meant a spell caster called Dr Zuma zuk and I email him, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: spiritualherbalisthealing@gmail.com or call him +2349055637784 you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMSurology.jpg.92f7833e7648ac2e4d30a30d199a3ce4.jpg

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    Best Review Online Spell Cater On Urgent Love Spell To Get Your Ex Back, Fix Your Broken Marriage And Stop Divorce
    I just found out about my husband cheating on me with a co-worker! We’ve been married going on two years. 2kids. lots of amazing momments together. i want to leave, but i love him so much. all i can think about is how nothing stopped him. how he has to see her everyday because they work together. we are both still young and very attractive. but i want my husband, my friend, and the father of my beautiful children. how do i get past the thought of another woman having my husband? Not my fiancé, not my boyfriend, but my husband! i still love him even though he thinks i want to leave i really want him to do better and stop me before i walk out! my husband told me that he doesn’t  feel loved anymore, just because of this co-worker he has be cheating on with me that he wants a divorce, i was devastated, heart broken i  begged him to listen to me that we can work it out like we always do, but  he didn’t listen, he told me that he met someone that loves and understands  him, i begged him to consider our kids but he’s did listen. he left and i was frustrated, i began searching for help and answers, then  i heard about a man that can Cast a spell to remind him of all the things  we have been through together, at first I was scared then i decided to give  it a try, and like magic my husband came back, apology and begging for  forgiveness, thanks to this man, I’m posting this to help people with 
    similar issues.  You can contact him for help too. or view his page on.... https://happylovespell2.wordpress.com/
    His whatsapp number: +2348133873774 or his  gmail:...happylovespell2@gmail.com
     

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    WOW!! This is the most wonderful thing i have ever experience and i need to share this great testimony..I visited a forum here on the internet on the 8TH MATCH 2017, And i saw a marvelous testimony of this powerful and great spell caster called Dr voodoo on the forum..I never believed it, because i never heard or learn anything about magic before.. No body would have been able to convince me about magical spells, not until Dr voodoo did a marvelous work for me and restored my marriage of 6 years back to me and brought my spouse back to me in the same 24 hours just as i read on the internet..i was truly flabbergasted and shocked when my husband kneel down begging for forgiveness and for me to accept him back.. I am really short of words and joy, and i don't know how much to convey my appreciation to you Dr voodoo you are a God sent to me and my entire family.. And now i am a joyful woman once again.. here is his email voodoospelltemple66@gmail.com you can also add Dr.voodoo on whatsApp +2349061243458

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    Hello everyone i know there is someone somewhere reading this my name is Dena Cruz from Leicester city UK i want to share a great work of a spell caster called Priest Ade my husband and i had a fight which led to our divorce but when he left me a part of me left with him and i was to sad and cried all day and night i was searching something online when i saw people testifying about his great work and i just decided to give him a try i did everything told me to do and he assured me that after 24 hours my husband will come back to me,the next morning to my greatest surprised a car stopped outside my house and it was my husband i'm so happy he can also help you email him at  ancientspiritspellcast@yahoo.com or ancientspiritspellcast@gmail.com  WhatsApp +2347059715465 

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    Hi Guys I'm so excited to share this testimony on how i got my ex husband back after a divorce 
     
    Hello My name is Lana Sophie Am from AUSTRALIA. I have been married for 5years and i have a break up with my husband 3months ago and i was worried and so confuse because i love him so much. i was really going too depressed and a friend directed me to this spell caster Dr.OCUSODO on his email (drocusodospellcaster@gmail.com) or (drocusodospellcaster@yahoo.com) and i made all my problems known to him and he told me not to worry that he was going to make my husband to come back to me and in just 48hours i receive a call from my husband and he was appealing that i should come back to the house. I have never in my life believe in spell but now he has just helped me out to be a fulfill woman and i am now so happy. All Thanks to DR. OCUSODO and if you also want to have your husband back to yourself here contact DR. OCUSODO i am so happy to testify of the good work and kindness.. or add him up on whats-app +2349067457724

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    Today I'm so happy because of what Dr Miracle has done to my life. his spell is so great and fast, i have never really see a helpful man like him, he solved my problem i didn't expect, i came across him on face book people talking about his great spell work, i collected his contact and contacted him he responded immediately and ask about my problem i explain to him with tears, he told me contacting him i should not be worried my husband will come back to me as far i still love him, i was amaze. Immediately i ask what will i do to get my husband back, he gave me instructions and ask for his name and picture which immediately i obey and follow, he promise me two days my husband will call me to believe about his work, Honestly speaking my husband called but i miss his calls i was so happy. He promise me my husband will come back home within 48 hour and i should open my hearth and work with him which i did. Today my family is back again with the help of Dr Miracle, has bring back my husband after he left me for another woman in other state, you know how it feels when you loose your loved husband for another woman, you do anything to get him back. today i promise to share and tell the world about his great work because I'm so happy today. contact Him If You Need His Help Too, Ignore if You Don't. Thanks Dr Miracle,,"CONTACT Via Email,Miraclespellhome@yahoo.com.,,You Can Also Call Him Or Add Him On Whatsapp: +2348071398555,,,

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    Today I'm so happy because of what Dr Miracle has done to my life. his spell is so great and fast, i have never really see a helpful man like him, he solved my problem i didn't expect, i came across him on face book people talking about his great spell work, i collected his contact and contacted him he responded immediately and ask about my problem i explain to him with tears, he told me contacting him i should not be worried my husband will come back to me as far i still love him, i was amaze. Immediately i ask what will i do to get my husband back, he gave me instructions and ask for his name and picture which immediately i obey and follow, he promise me two days my husband will call me to believe about his work, Honestly speaking my husband called but i miss his calls i was so happy. He promise me my husband will come back home within 48 hour and i should open my hearth and work with him which i did. Today my family is back again with the help of Dr Miracle, has bring back my husband after he left me for another woman in other state, you know how it feels when you loose your loved husband for another woman, you do anything to get him back. today i promise to share and tell the world about his great work because I'm so happy today. contact Him If You Need His Help Too, Ignore if You Don't. Thanks Dr Miracle,,"CONTACT Via Email,Miraclespellhome@yahoo.com.,,You Can Also Call Him Or Add Him On Whatsapp: +2348071398555,,,

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    Hi Guys I'm so excited to share this testimony on how i got my ex husband back after a divorce 
     
     Hello My name is Lana Sophie Am from AUSTRALIA. I have been married for 5years and i have a break up with my husband 3months ago and i was worried and so confuse because i love him so much. i was really going too depressed and a friend directed me to this spell caster Dr.OCUSODO on his email drocusodospellcaster@gmail.com or drocusodospellcaster@yahoo.com and i made all my problems known to him and he told me not to worry that he was going to make my husband to come back to me and in just 48hours i receive a call from my husband and he was appealing that i should come back to the house. I have never in my life believe in spell but now he has just helped me out to be a fulfill woman and i am now so happy. All Thanks to DR. OCUSODO and if you also want to have your husband back to yourself here contact DR. OCUSODO i am so happy to testify of the good work and kindness.. or add him up on whats-app +2349067457724

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    Hi Guys I'm so excited to share this testimony on how i got my ex husband back after a divorce 
     
     Hello My name is Lana Sophie Am from AUSTRALIA. I have been married for 5years and i have a break up with my husband 3months ago and i was worried and so confuse because i love him so much. i was really going too depressed and a friend directed me to this spell caster Dr.OCUSODO on his email drocusodospellcaster@gmail.com or drocusodospellcaster@yahoo.com and i made all my problems known to him and he told me not to worry that he was going to make my husband to come back to me and in just 48hours i receive a call from my husband and he was appealing that i should come back to the house. I have never in my life believe in spell but now he has just helped me out to be a fulfill woman and i am now so happy. All Thanks to DR. OCUSODO and if you also want to have your husband back to yourself here contact DR. OCUSODO i am so happy to testify of the good work and kindness.. or add him up on whats-app +2349067457724

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    Hi Friends Dr. OCUSODO is the best spell caster to help fix your relationship problem Read my testimony and contact him now: I never knew people still have powers and make things happened this way. My name is Sandra Raymond am from United State. my boyfriend Williams left me for another girl for three months' ever since then my life have been filled with pains, sorrow and heart break because he was my first love who dis virgin me when I was 19 years old. A friend of mine Kido Matthew told me he saw some testimonies of this great Dr OCUSODO that he can bring back lover, I laugh it out and said I am not interested but because of the love my friend had for me, she consulted the great priest on my behalf and to my greatest surprise after three days my boyfriend called me for the very first time after three months that he is missing me and that he is so sorry for every thing he made me went through. I still can't believe it, because it highly unbelievable it just too real to be real. Thank you Dr OCUSODO for bringing back my lover and also to my lovely friend who interceded on my behalf, for any one who might need the help of this great priest here is the email address: drocusodospellcaster@gmail.com or drocusodospellcaster@yahoo.com or add him up on whats-app +2349067457724.

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    I"m Teresa Caacbay from USA..This is my testimony on how my ex lover come back home..i want to say a very big thanks and appreciation to chief priest Dr. OCUSODO for bringing back my lover who left me for almost 2 year,i feel like my life is completely over, so one day as i was browsing searching on the internet for recommend spell caster who will help me to bring my lover back,Finally i met a writing how so many testimony talking about how Dr OCUSODO help to restore relationship back,so i decided to give it a try so i contacted the spell caster called Dr.OCUSODO and explain my problems to him,and he cast spell love spell luckily within the 48 hours my lover really called me and started apologizing for all he had caused me.and be begging me to accept him back and will are live happily marriage, I am the happiest woman on earth today because Dr OCUSODO has done a wonderful deeds in my life and i will continue to share this testimony, i pray God almighty give you the strength and wisdom to help more people having similar problem like mine, contact him.

    drocusodospellcaster@gmail.com OR drocusodospellcaster@yahoo.com

    or add him up on whats-app +2349067457724.

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    Urgently On Love Spell To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Contact Happylovespell2@gmail.com He Is The Best Of All On Love Spell That Work Fast........ 
    I am in the exact situation Has anything changed? My relationship had zero moral fiber I left several times hoping he would change Here I am again alone and now he stated that he is done trying??? I left him however he told me that I can not just come and go as I please and think that everything is okay He just does not get it!!! He treats me like a chair in our home It is just daunting I hope your situation is better?Help! I'm confused and getting very frustrated. 
    My boyfriend and I have been separated for four months now and nothing is happening. He's doing nothing.   
    He was having an emotional affair 3rd time second woman, so he kick me out. We went to relationship counseling twice. he said he needed to go to personal before he would meet us again. In counseling he admitted he loved me but not in love with me.I am beyond devastated. What should I do? And when do you think he will realize he's still IN love with me? I need this man to realize I'm still that girl he met 6 years ago. I've noticed lately in the last couple days he's kinda been trying to make me jealous, in a sense of telling me he's getting checked out at work, or flexing his muscles in front of me-- I'm not sure if I should take this as a good sign or not? Every time we have a good day, or I say something about being with him, he always says "we'll see". Please help me i began searching for help and answers, then i heard about a man that can Cast a spell to remind him of all the things we have been through together, at first I was scared then i decided to give it a try, and like magic my boyfriend came back, apology and begging for forgiveness, thanks to this man, I’m posting this to help people with similar issues.email him Urgently... 
    Email him @.... happylovespell2@gmail.com
    Whatsapp him or better still call...+2348133873774
    You can also view on his Blogs site... https://happylovespell2.blogspot.com.ng/
     

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