• My Love Life

    September 19th 2013

    One of my shadows came out into the open last night.  It is amazing that no matter how aware we may think we are, we can still be essentially blind to our own patterns.  When I was fifteen, I fell in love for the first time with a boy named Trevor. He was a red headed hockey player from Alaska.  Ironically, his father was a friend to my mother way back when she was in college.  To say that I loved him is an understatement.  I loved him so completely, I felt like I had lost my soul.  We were together until I was 18 years old.  It was a long distance relationship.  We barely saw each other.  But it felt like my life hung on the letters he would send me through the mail.  That love was the only thing I had to hold on to during those years of abuse.  I never told him what was happening to me at home.  All he knew was that I was getting more and more unhappy.  Being a “golden boy”, his life was all about success.  He had not suffered much in life; just worked hard to be the captain of every sports team he was on and an honors student etc.   His list of accolades could go on for miles.  Needless to say he had a very hard time relating to the way I hated life.  When I was 18, a boy I knew back in Utah proposed to me.  I cried when he proposed and refused him because being proposed to made my heart sink.  It sank because of how much it let me know that I loved Trevor.  I flew up to Alaska to see him on a moments notice after having not seen him for over half a year.  In the journal entry I wrote on the airplane on the way there I said, “I’m praying it will be the same as it always was between us.  I’d rather die than find out that the time that has passed between us has ruined us for each other; I’m so afraid of that.”  Well, my worst fears did come true.

    When I got to Alaska, things were different.  He was less enamored with me because I had become too “dark and depressing”.  My self-inflicted cuts embarrassed him (and I think scared him a little).  He became cold towards me and even elected to spend time away from me with the other boys on his hockey team while I was there.  The rejection was more than I could handle.  At the end of the trip, he read my journal entries in secret about how I felt and he started crying.  He apologized and spent the last two days of the trip trying to show me love.  But the damage had already been done.  The fact that someone that I was so utterly in love with, could look at me like all the Mormons looked at me back home, destroyed my self-confidence completely.  My heart broke.  It was the root from which all of my romantic problems would grow.  I adopted the unshakable belief that I was too dark to love.  I believed that no man could love me with my problems.  When I left both Trevor and I cried at the airport.  Flying home, I felt this terrible sense of emotional severing.  It was motivation enough to devise a plan to run away from my home to live near him.  That plan was foiled upon my return.

    When I got back home, I walked in the front door of my house and visited for ten minutes with my parents and then noticed that my dog wasn’t anywhere to be found.  I asked them “where is Sidney?”  My father said, “Sidney died while you were away”.  Suddenly the room started spinning.  I felt sick to my stomach.  Sidney (my dog) was not just a pet.  He was the only friend I had other than my horse (which had been sold earlier that year).  He had slept in my bed every night with me since I was young.  They explained that my childhood abuser had come over to inspect him because he was acting weird (panting hard etc.) and had informed them that Sidney had to be put down.  And so, he did.  Right there on the spot.  My parents had no idea what that meant.  But I did.  I ran out the door.  I sat in the grass rocking myself back and forth and crying.  Sure enough, when I saw my abuser again, he informed me that his death was a punishment for going away.  He said to me, “If you don’t stop this with him (meaning Trevor), I’ll put your brother to sleep too”.  And so, that night, I called Trevor on the phone.  He told me that he missed me so much that it hurt.  Trevor was the love of my life, but as far as I was knew, I had to decide between love or my brother’s life.  And that is the kind of choice that already has an answer before it is asked.  I knew Trevor wouldn’t accept the break up without a good reason.  And so I gave him one.  Trevor was the type who requires strict fidelity in a mate.  So I told him the lie that I didn’t feel the same way about him and that I had slept with another man.  His world was shattered.  The relationship was over and I stopped thinking that it was possible to find someone who I truly loved.  I gave up on life as well.  I tried to commit suicide twice that year.  And ever since then, I have felt like I am just too dark and the effects of my past are just too big for a man to love me past the phase of initial excitement.

    I was on a modeling shoot when I was seventeen years old and a man at the photo shoot (who loved cars) told me that all women can be related to a type of car.  According to him, the unappealing, mean women are like rusted Buicks that you don’t even want to drive.  The women who are homely but friendly are like your basic Ford Taurus; there isn’t much special about them, but they never let you down and they are low maintenance.  The pretty girls who aren’t very smart are like Honda Civics.  They aren’t very original but they handle well and they only need a little basic maintenance.  The pretty, smart girls are like BMWs.  They take a little more maintenance, but it is worth it because they make you look like you’ve got your shit together.  And then there are the women who stop traffic.  They are not just pretty, they are gorgeous and they are intelligent too.  Those women are like Ferraris.  They take a lot of maintenance and you have to order out all the parts that make them work but they are unforgettable and driving them, is what dreams are made of.  This man told me that I was like a Ferrari.  It was a compliment when he said it to me 12 years ago, but it has become the symbol of my terrible self-concept relative to dating.  You see, I feel like I’m that Ferrari that a man is so excited to buy, until he drives it home and finds out that he has purchased a “lemon” (In other words a car that is found to be defective only after it is purchased).  And true to form, I’ve attracted an endless parade of men who have reinforced this belief for me.  They end up deciding that being with me is just too hard.  They end up feeling like my problems are too big for them and that no matter what, they cannot make me happy.  They decide I am “too dark” and “too intense”.  And it has only gotten worse since I took the world stage as a spiritual guide.  People expect that I have transcended all of the effects of my childhood abuse and are surprised to find that I still struggle in any way.  They think my world is all sunshine, gumdrops and roses.  When it isn’t.  They don’t realize that throughout my years of enduring torture, as a way to escape my abuse, I learned how to increase my frequency to such a degree that I am an exact vibrational match to the frequency of my higher self.  And thus, when I am teaching, I often hold a different perspective (a much more transcendental perspective) than I do when I am fully participating in my limited physical perspective.  They do not understand that the work of my life is to marry those two perspectives so that the vibrational gap between them disappears; at which point I will be a walking embodiment of my higher self.  But in order to do that, I cannot run from my physical perspective by trying to “transcend” it.  To try to transcend it is to run away from it by trying to rise above and away from it.  I can only fully integrate these perspectives and become the truest expression of myself by fully embracing that which I perceive as my “lower self” (and by doing so realize that it is not lower… instead it is the necessary cause and therefore vehicle for my expansion).  People expect me to always act like the perfectly enlightened being they imagine me to be in their minds.  And then, they feel let down or tricked when they see me seizure or get triggered as the result of a movie preview that reminded me of my past.  And I feel ashamed of myself.  I discourage men from pursuing me, because I cannot take the feeling of being told that I am too difficult or too dark.  After all, that is what I have been trying to get away from all my life.

    This week a very famous actor, who had seen my videos on you tube and had decided that he wanted to take me on a date, contacted me.  We had been talking and texting each other over the course of a few days.  I began opening up about my life and had mentioned the fact that I do not travel alone due to my past and that I still struggle with PTSD.  And that was all she wrote.  Though he complimented me on my brilliance, talent and beauty (in and out), he was disappointed to learn that I had not completely transcended my past.  He did not want to complicate his life with someone who was still dealing with as much as I am.  He could not suffer the pain of a difficult relationship with yet another woman who was struggling with trauma (according to him, his past two relationships ended painfully because both of the women had experienced horrible trauma).  He said that he is worried that I am too attached to my pain and that he is not currently interested in exploring the darker side of spirituality (shadow work).   And though I understand his fear, it hurt like hell.  But there is a plus size to the pain… I saw my pattern clearly today.  I saw it for where it stemmed from.  I saw it for what it’s doing to my life.  I saw that it has caused every break up I’ve had since Trevor.  It has tainted my willingness to love in a romantic way.  And I have decided today that I am done with it.  I realized today that I cannot ask someone who does not love my shadow, to love my shadow.  But I can ask for a man who will love all of me…including my shadow.  So here goes.

    I decided I do want to fall in love again.  I am ready to be vulnerable again.  I am ready to know that I can be loved exactly where I am.  I am ready to be loved with my shadow.  I am ready for my shadow to be treated like a beloved part of my depth and substance, instead of like a shortcoming.  I want a man who would rather move the statue of liberty to my front yard, than lose me.  I want a man whose happiness includes my happiness (in other words seeing me happy makes him feel happy).  I want a man who will find my darkness beautiful because he sees that my past and the effects of my past are the soil, which has given rise the lotus of my life.  I want a man to see the beauty and necessity of my vision so clearly that his happiness is served in part by enabling my vision and financially supporting me while I carry it out.  I want a man who sees the full story of who I am as beautiful… not just the final chapters.


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    I read this post again today. Even though my childhood trauma was not as severe as yours, I internalized a very similar message - I'm just "too much" for a man to handle. In order for me to be loved, I need to hide myself or tone myself down. I've toned myself down to the point where I mumble, I speak softly, and I move on the edges of groups. I'm scared for anyone to see me.  Since I've been following you, Teal, (for almost 1.5 years) I've been slowly learning to trust that I am lovable. All parts of me are lovable - even the parts of me that struggle with PTSD. I just wanted to say thank you and that you give me hope. You manifested Ale into your life, and even though I know your relationship has other issues involved (custody battles), it's inspiration that I can find someone who loves all of me.

    Alofa tele ia te oe!

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    Crazy that I just stumbled upon this off Google (searching on the date.. actually).  Oh.. this is the "too dark" sensitivity issue just referenced in OR workshop.  Weird synchronicity.. I understand now, friend. :) No worry. I can be a little dark too... :no2on-yahoo-emoticon: Watch:

    Trevor's a dick.

    lol

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    This story is in many ways reminds me of my former rejections...I never could understand the difficulties of those with big shadows.  I was always optimistic and smiling.  I still am in some ways and sometimes but not always any more.   I never had any idea how to help someone with a shadow that was somehow visible.

    After studying your books Teal, I've come to understand so much more about shadows  and what they are about.  Especially after the Completion Process I even feel as though I could, and would be able to help someone deal with their shadow.  It seems like such a thorough process and so well worth making the effort to work it through.  Holding space for someone would be an honor.

    I'm 63 now and hoping that I'll be a Completion Process Practitioner when I grow up.  :love-struck-yahoo-emoticon:

    So much love to you Teal.  I deeply appreciate your authenticity.

    Shellie

    Edited by shellie.noyes@gmail.com

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    The read was very sad and funny  at the same time. This blog probably has a mixture of different emotions. Then I've noticed it was 2013. 

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    To view from afar and yet so intimately do you open yourself,

    To see dark beauty and feel engulfed, swallowed and caressed by that darkness.

    To cry, to smile, to laugh, to hesitate on the brink then fall in...

    To wait in line to meet you, to have you look over to see who it was with those feelings of trepidation yet love, that was waiting to talk to you was like having my heart & soul exposed. I should have expected nothing less. 

    Myself * Teal = convolution.

    It is very interesting reading a Post, then seeing the "next unread" being this one from 2013; and I see I am not alone.

    Dear Teal, how you are ramped things up. The thing is for us now, to take what you say, feel it ourselves and then do the same for others. 

    In my heart, Teal.

    ∞ CrystalRob

    convolution-teal-eye-print-store.jpg.31e3d65f539699613c5e3c5dcfa220a8.jpg

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    "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

    -Marilyn Monroe 

    That was the first thing that popped into my head! 😉👍

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    Okay.. that's actually a beautiful blog, especially the part about someone loving your shadows and darker past.  That's the easiest thing to do in the world. :loldog:

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    I NEVER BELIEVED IN LOVE SPELLS UNTIL I MET THIS WORLD’S TOP SPELL CASTER. HE IS REALLY POWERFUL AND COULD HELP CAST SPELLS TO BRING BACK EX LOVER, I’M HAPPY & A LIVING TESTIMONY COS THE MAN I HAD WANTED TO MARRY LEFT ME 2 WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING AND MY LIFE WAS UPSIDE DOWN COS OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN ON FOR 2YEARS… I REALLY LOVED HIM, BUT HIS MOTHER WAS AGAINST US. SO WHEN I MET THIS SPELL CASTER, I TOLD HIM WHAT HAPPENED AND EXPLAINED THE SITUATION OF THINGS TO HIM..AT FIRST I WAS UNDECIDED,SKEPTICAL AND DOUBTFUL, BUT I JUST GAVE IT A TRY. AND IN 3 DAYS WHEN I RETURNED TO MY COUNTRY, MY BOYFRIEND(NOW HUSBAND) CALLED ME BY HIMSELF AND CAME TO ME APOLOGIZING FOR EVERYTHING HIM AND HIS MOTHER HAS DONE TO ME..I DIDN’T BELIEVE IT COS THE SPELL CASTER ONLY ASKED FOR SOME VITAL INFORMATION WHICH I FORWARDED TO HIM…I AM HAPPY TO SAY WE ARE HAPPILY MARRIED, IN CASE ANYONE NEEDS THE SPELL CASTER FOR SOME HELP, HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS; DR_MACK@YAHOO .COM…… HOPE HE HELPS YOU OUT

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    Good day everyone. I have something to share with you.. My name is Andrew Ryan USA, my girlfriend and I were separated for a long period due to some misunderstanding, I came across different spell casters and they were all unable to bring my lover back. I was so sad and almost gave up on him when i met a spell caster called Great Doctor Omoluyi who helped me get my lover back. Ever since then i have been so happy and couldn't believe it would happen. He also helped me with success spell, I have been living happily with my lover now and will be getting married soon. Here is his contact Email:  [ Doctoromoluyispelltemple@gmail.com ] if you need his help on getting your ex back, stop your marriage from crumbling or you need success in every aspect of your life. He is really a good spell caster. 

    Email: [ Doctoromoluyispelltemple@gmail.com ]
    Cell Number: +1 (914) 517-3229..

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    This is my testimony about the good work of a man who helped me.� My name is maria cooker.� My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me and left me with our three kids. I felt like my life was about to end, and was falling apart. Thanks to a spell caster called papa ork who i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I was searching for a good spell caster that can solve my problems. I came across series of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on.� There was one particular testimony I saw, it was about a woman called grace,she testified about how papa ork brought back her Ex lover in less than 72 hours and at the end of her testimony she drop papa ork e-mail address. After reading all these,I decided to give papa a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 3 days, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before. papa ork is really a talented and gifted man and i will not to stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man.� If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve that problem for you. Try the great papa ork today, he might be the answer to your problem.� Here's his contact: orkstarspell@ gmail. com 
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    My names are Ashley Vivian, Am here to share a testimony on how Dr Raypower helped me. After 1/5 year relationship with my boyfriend, he changed suddenly and stopped contacting me regularly, he would come up with excuses of not seeing me all the time. He stopped answering my calls and my sms and he stopped seeing me regularly. I then started catching him with different girls several times but every time he would say that he love me and that he needed some time to think about our relationship. But cannot stop thinking about him so i decided to go online and i saw so many good talk about this spell caster called Dr Raypower and i contact him and explain my problems to him. He cast a love spell for me which i use and after 24 hours, my boyfriend came back to me and started contacting me regularly and we moved in together after a few months and he was more open to me than before and he started spending more time with me than his friends. We eventually got married and we now have been married happily for 3 years with a son. Ever since Dr Raypower helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before.You can also contact this spell caster and get your relationship fix Email: urgentspellcast@gmail.com

    On 6/14/2016 at 9:09 PM, Auryn said:

    My names are Ashley Vivian, Am here to share a testimony on how Dr Raypower helped me. After 1/5 year relationship with my boyfriend, he changed suddenly and stopped contacting me regularly, he would come up with excuses of not seeing me all the time. He stopped answering my calls and my sms and he stopped seeing me regularly. I then started catching him with different girls several times but every time he would say that he love me and that he needed some time to think about our relationship. But cannot stop thinking about him so i decided to go online and i saw so many good talk about this spell caster called Dr Raypower and i contact him and explain my problems to him. He cast a love spell for me which i use and after 24 hours, my boyfriend came back to me and started contacting me regularly and we moved in together after a few months and he was more open to me than before and he started spending more time with me than his friends. We eventually got married and we now have been married happily for 3 years with a son. Ever since Dr Raypower helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before.You can also contact this spell caster and get your relationship fix Email: urgentspellcast@gmail.com.

     

    My names are Ashley Vivian, Am here to share a testimony on how Dr Raypower helped me. After 1/5 year relationship with my boyfriend, he changed suddenly and stopped contacting me regularly, he would come up with excuses of not seeing me all the time. He stopped answering my calls and my sms and he stopped seeing me regularly. I then started catching him with different girls several times but every time he would say that he love me and that he needed some time to think about our relationship. But cannot stop thinking about him so i decided to go online and i saw so many good talk about this spell caster called Dr Raypower and i contact him and explain my problems to him. He cast a love spell for me which i use and after 24 hours, my boyfriend came back to me and started contacting me regularly and we moved in together after a few months and he was more open to me than before and he started spending more time with me than his friends. We eventually got married and we now have been married happily for 3 years with a son. Ever since Dr Raypower helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before.You can also contact this spell caster and get your relationship fix Email: urgentspellcast@gmail.com.

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    Edited by Ashleyvivian

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    My names is Cathy i want to testify about the great spell caster called Priest Ade my husband and i have been married for 5 years now we don't have a child and the doctor told us i can't give birth because my womb have been damaged due to wrong drugs prescription this got me so worried and my husband was not happy so he decided to get married to another girl and divorce me i was so sad i told my friend about it she told me about a powerful spell caster  she gave me his email address well i never believe in it that much though i just decided to give him a try and he told me it will take 24hrs to get my husband back to me and i will get pregnant i doubted him the 3rd day my husband came back to me and was crying he said he didn't want the divorce anymore 3 weeks after the doctor confirmed that i was pregnant he can also help you Email him at ancientspiritspellcast@yahoo.com or ancientspiritspellcast@gmail.com  WhatsApp +2347059715465 

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    WOW!! This is the most wonderful thing i have ever experience and i need to share this great testimony..I visited a forum here on the internet on the 8TH MATCH 2017, And i saw a marvelous testimony of this powerful and great spell caster called Dr voodoo on the forum..I never believed it, because i never heard or learn anything about magic before.. No body would have been able to convince me about magical spells, not until Dr voodoo did a marvelous work for me and restored my marriage of 6 years back to me and brought my spouse back to me in the same 24 hours just as i read on the internet..i was truly flabbergasted and shocked when my husband kneel down begging for forgiveness and for me to accept him back.. I am really short of words and joy, and i don't know how much to convey my appreciation to you Dr voodoo you are a God sent to me and my entire family.. And now i am a joyful woman once again.. here is his email voodoospelltemple66@gmail.com you can also add Dr.voodoo on whatsApp +2349061243458

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    MY name is kapil weafer, I feel very happy to share my great and wonderful testimony with everyone on this site..: I was married for 4 years to my husband and all of a sudden another woman came into the picture he started hating me and he was abusive. but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost.... He filed for divorce and my whole life was turning apart and i didn't know what to do, he moved out of the house and abandoned me and the kids... my very close friend told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster so i decided to try it. although i didn't believe in all those things then when he did the special prayers and spell, after 2 days, my husband came back and was pleading that he had realized his mistakes I just couldn't believe it, anyway we are back together now and we are happy in case anyone needs help here is his email address; driraborspellcaster@gmail.com His spells is for a better life OR call his number +13019098775 

    MY name is kapil weafer, I feel very happy to share my great and wonderful testimony with everyone on this site..: I was married for 4 years to my husband and all of a sudden another woman came into the picture he started hating me and he was abusive. but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost.... He filed for divorce and my whole life was turning apart and i didn't know what to do, he moved out of the house and abandoned me and the kids... my very close friend told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster so i decided to try it. although i didn't believe in all those things then when he did the special prayers and spell, after 2 days, my husband came back and was pleading that he had realized his mistakes I just couldn't believe it, anyway we are back together now and we are happy in case anyone needs help here is his email address; driraborspellcaster@gmail.com His spells is for a better life OR call his number +13019098775 

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