Self help gurus and Spiritual Teachers continually guide people towards complete self-sufficiency and independence from others. They tell you that everything you need from others, you must provide for yourself. Following this traditional model, one begins to build a model of the world that is for lack of a better word… lonely. We begin to feel as if we are in this life alone and like it is inappropriate to ask others for what we want and need. We begin to believe that it is wrong to rely on other people or depend on them in any way. We are told that if we need other people, it is codependency.
I have become so frustrated by this idea in my own life that I decided to settle the score once and for all. This morning in my meditation, I left my body to reverse back to the “beginning” to witness the creation of our time space reality, planet and life on it, knowing this would hold the answers that I seek. In the beginning what you find is oneness, an infinite sea of everythingness… Only potential energy. This unified consciousness essentially split itself in two for the purpose of self-awareness. And this splitting continued and continued to the degree that here we are in the physical dimension. Because we are all ultimately fractals of the same energy, we are still all one, but we are experiencing a subjective reality that is separate. To understand how this works, simply watch a zygote cell divide.
A state of separation is in essence a state of the absence of oneness. This perception is a disconnection from ourselves. This disconnection deprives us of energy, so to survive, we must either restore our connection, by transcending the illusion or by taking that energy from “others”. We call this latter state eating. So ironically, eating to survive (taking another thing into yourself) is a way of restoring connection. And we do not only have separation in the physical sense, we also have separation in the emotional sense and mental sense. So, when we have separation in any of these areas, we are compelled to do the same thing, we must take those energies from someone or something else or find ways to connect with them ourselves, separate of them.
My question today out of body was “How is one supposed to get their needs met? Is it done by recognizing you are a microcosm of the universe and therefore everything you need and want is within you and you alone? And that is the empowerment. OR is it done by reconnecting with every other being/thing and seeing that you are one and therefore manifesting what you want to have through others? And that is the empowerment. And the answer I received is BOTH, depending on where you are.
I spent the rest of my time trying to figure out how this answer practically applies to life. It turns out that what drives us crazy in this situation is considering the rightness or wrongness of either option. The problem is that spiritual/self help gurus teach you to meet your own needs as if it is a moral or better or more righteous thing to do. When the real solution is to practice whichever one causes you empowerment. Neither is right or wrong and here’s why. We are all ultimately fractals of the whole, we have the power to meet our own needs from within. But because we are all one, having our needs met from others, is having our needs met by ourselves.
When the perception of separation dissolves, needs dissolve because there is no absence. Only in a physical space where absence exists do we try to close the gap between separate and together. We eat each other to feel more connected because we feel the absence of each other. We form relationships to feel more connected because we feel the absence of each other. It is not wrong to have needs. In the physical dimension, where the perception is that we are separate it is right to have needs. It is valid to have needs in a time space reality where you are perceiving the lack of oneness. It is no more wrong to have needs than it is wrong to perceive yourself as a separate physical being. I have heard it many times in the higher dimensions that every need can ultimately be met by ourselves, but that does not mean that every need should be met by ourselves. Even if every need can be transcended, that does not however mean that they should be transcended unless a person absolutely feels called to transcend them. But then we must ask if we feel called to transcend them because it feels empowering or because we feel that having needs is wrong or weak or un-evolved.
In a universe that is one, you have an OPTION. The option is to give to yourself and this by default gives to others or give to others and that by default gives to yourself. As it applies to needs, we can chose to meet our own needs or we can choose to get our needs met by others and this is still us meeting our own needs… As long as we are aware of it.
The key when you have a need is to create or allow the presence of that thing in your life and then the need is gone. Seems like a simple enough concept. But consider this, it is no more or less empowering to get the need from somewhere or someone else (unless you think that you are powerless to get it from them) than it is to find a way to meet the need without involving anyone else. If you feel powerless to getting the need met by someone else, it can be an empowering step to learn how to meet that need for yourself or it can be a resistant step to learn how to meet it yourself. When we are more focused on the lack (which is where need comes from), we line up with more lack. On a practical level, this means we line up with people who are not offering what we need. We try to take from them what they are not giving. And this only leads to pain. This is really what is happening with eating to survive. One being is taking energy (life) that the other is not giving. This leads to suffering on both sides.
The question we must ask ourselves is how do I feel empowered relative to my needs? You are not supposed to become an island unto yourself. This is in fact disconnection. It is just more of the illusion of separation. All you are supposed to do is to become empowered, because in your empowerment, you are connected to the infinite energy source from which everything flows.
If one person was not getting their needs met and they went somewhere else to someone else to meet those emotional needs, they might be doing so at this point in time from a space of starvation and feeling like "I CAN’T” meet those needs. Therefore this is not an empowered choice. So it will result in disempowerment and more starvation. However, if someone else did it, it might be because they consciously want to experience their needs coming through others. And not from a feeling of they can’t do it themselves and so their highest and best direction is to manifest it through others. Many of us try to get our needs met by others because we feel like we can’t do it ourselves. So, our healing is to find out how to do just that… Meet our needs (whether they be physical, mental or emotional) ourselves. On the other hand, many of us try to be independent and meet our own needs because we feel like it is impossible to get our needs met by others. So, our healing is to begin to express our needs and get our needs met by others.
The self help community and the spiritual community is littered with 2 kind of people. The first kind of person is a person whose needs were not met by their primary caregivers and by successive relationships in their life. After all, look at the word self-help. One only turns to self-help when there is no one else there to help them, but themselves. And one turns to spirituality for solace, when that solace is not being provided for them by the physical dimension or by the people in their physical reality. These people already operate under the unhealthy belief that their needs cannot be met by others because they have never known a day when their needs were met by others. They have had to grow up in an atmosphere of survival. And they have figured out that the only way to survive was to disconnect from others, turn inward and become completely self reliant for everything. This is a problem when they still desperately crave intimate connection and symbiosis with others. They must convince themselves not to want what they want and to ultimately avoid what they want.
The second kind of person in the spiritual/self-help community is a person whose needs were either inconsistently met by their primary caregivers and by successive relationships in their life. Or whose caregivers disempowered them by preventing their independence while reinforcing their dependence. These people already operate under the unhealthy belief that their needs cannot be met by themselves because they have never known a day when they knew how to meet those needs themselves. And they have figured out that the only way to survive was to attach to others, and rely on them for everything.
It is very easy for people who have been forced into a position of self-sufficiency to use spiritual truths to bypass this original pain in their lives and to justify a state of avoidance to connecting with and depending on others. This belief blinds them to the truth of interdependence and it prevents them from seeing the bigger picture. A bigger picture where the universe is trying to provide us with the opportunity to heal our relationship with ourselves and other people instead of trying to push us into a state of independent self sufficiency.
It is also very easy for people who were convinced early in life that they could not trust themselves or rely on themselves, to use spiritual truths of interdependence and oneness to justify a state of turning the responsibility of their lives, over to other people and becoming completely powerlessly dependent on others. They too, have grown up in an atmosphere of survival. They have figured out that the only way to survive is to completely hook into others and become completely reliant on others for everything. This is a problem when they still crave an intimate connection with themselves and still crave an empowered state of autonomy where they can trust themselves and rely on themselves. The universe will mirror their resistance to themselves by turning them back towards themselves. The universe will mirror their self-distrust and lack of self-reliance by putting them in situations where they cannot rely on others and must only rely on themselves. They misinterpret this mirroring to mean that the universe is telling them that they cannot rely on others and that it is inappropriate to get their needs met through others. It makes them believe the universe is promoting independence instead of self-trust. Independence is a hardened state that is closed to others. Self-trust is a soft state that is open to the self. Independence is a state of resistance to others and resisting the relationship with others. Self-trust is a state of allowing of the self and allowing the relationship with the self.
It is not wrong to get your needs met by other people. But when you do not trust yourself and when you are resisting yourself, you will run into the reflection of that. The universe will seem to push you towards self-sufficiency. You will probably begin to feel like the message is that you can only rely on yourself. It is trying to help you heal by mirroring that you can’t trust others to meet your needs so that you are forced to re-establish the relationship with yourself and release resistance to yourself and feel empowered in and of yourself.
It is not wrong to meet your own needs. But when you do not trust others and when you resist intimacy and connection, you will run into the reflection of that. The universe will seem to push you towards connection and interdependence. The universe is trying to help you heal by mirroring that you must connect with others and meet their needs and allow them to meet your needs so that you are forced to establish a relationship with the rest of the collective conscious and ultimately feel empowered because of it.
This is the real reason why the universe draws partners together with opposite attributes. This is the higher spiritual reason behind people with avoidant attachment and anxious attachment styles coming together in a relationship. To empower on another to become more whole. To become more whole, one begins to become self empowered and the other begins to become other empowered.
It is time to lay to rest the idea that it is only right to do it alone and do it for yourself. It is time to lay to rest the idea that it is only right to do it with other people and for other people. By abandoning our ideas of right and wrong, all we are left with is whether our unhealthy belief is “I can’t meet my own needs” or “Others can’t/won’t meet my needs.” Then, we are left with one question, what would make me feel more empowered if it were possible? Learning how to meet my own needs or learning to allow others to meet my needs? This will lead us to the place where we are doing both from an empowered state. Choice is not motivated by aversion, only craving is. So we get to decide which practice is in alignment with our own empowerment, freedom and ultimate happiness. And if we don’t know, the universe will definitely push us in the direction of the answer.