By letting go
We do not break apart.
We end the resistance.
Sometimes it is more disconnected to be closer.
Like 2 magnets faced the wrong way.
When you cannot force them together,
When you cannot flip them,
It feels like a failure.
It feels like a loss.
It feels like the desperate incapacity to be… together.
At times like this, you have to let go of how you want it to be.
Life is relationships. If you look at it, in a contrasting environment where individuation exists, life is nothing but a collection of relationships. You have a relationship with your work. You have a relationship with your thoughts. You have a relationship with your desires. You have a relationship with your friends. You have a relationship with your partner. You have a relationship with the things in your house. All a spiritual teacher or luminary is therefore is a person who teaches relationships. This makes it all the worse when as a spiritual teacher; one of your own relationships goes in a direction that you would not choose for it to go.
We have an idea in our heads about how we want any relationship to go. Sometimes that idea is the very thing that prevents us from having a good relationship with that thing. We also have very rigid ideas in society about how a relationship should go. We end up in resistance because of it. And sometimes we end up trying to push two magnets that are faced the wrong way together.
No one enters into a partnership, especially a marriage, thinking that it will end. This is not the vision you have in your head. The idea of how the relationship should go is so strong that we can fight against reality for years, trying to make it different. There are some things that cannot be forced to change. There are some things in relationships that no amount of spiritual tools can resolve and no amount of knowledge about how to make a relationship work will improve. Relationships are mutable. They are like water. Especially when a person commits to the path of awakening, the being is constantly being reformed and authenticity is constantly being revealed. You are not the same person today as you are tomorrow. This means that even though there is a lot to be said for the idea of getting to know someone for years before making a commitment, you can never be sure when it comes to relationships. Life changes and people change. There is no way to guarantee that you are genuinely compatible or will remain compatible to the person you love today.
We are conditioned to believe that love triumphs over all. We have been conditioned to believe that if we are genuinely a good person, we should be able to have a feel good relationship with anyone and everyone, regardless of what role they are playing in our lives. But there is a big difference between loving someone and being compatible with someone. A bird may love a fish for example, but if their desires for a partnership requires them to live in the same place, there is no way to make that happen without killing either of them.
When incompatibility is present in a relationship, it is usually very difficult for people to admit to it, to change the nature of their relationship, to change their roles in each other’s lives or to end the relationship. It is so hard because what you are facing is so deeply unthinkable to the heart that you can’t admit it until you have exhausted every other possible option. And then reality collapses in on you in waves and layers that creating harmony and trying to find a way to be compatible is not ever going to happen.
There was a great many things that happened over the course of the last three years both to Ale and I, and between Ale and I. But below the layers of healing that has taken place between us in the last three years, lies an incompatibility on the level of one of us being a fish and the other, a bird.
So it with great sadness that I announce in this blog that Ale and I are getting a divorce. The pain I am still currently going through as a result of this development is the kind of pain that makes you not believe that you are still breathing. It is at moments like this that being a public figure, especially a public figure who is expected to be a living example of society’s concept of a life long and happy marriage, is a nightmare. On top of the hell of losing the life I planned for myself; public figures get to be a match to everyone’s opinions and projections about it. To be honest, I’ve been dreading this release. Many of you came along for the dream of what Ale and I represented and what we would do together in the world. Some of you even attended the wedding. And now sadly that vision of the happy ending must be released not only by me, but also by all of those who held it as a hope and as a vision.
After the shock of such an experience, stillness sets upon the being. I am in that stillness… The stillness that turns the minutes into hours… The stillness of every cell in your body trying to re-orient itself to the reality that it cannot seem to swallow. An experience like this is a shattering. And after a time of those fragments of oneself being on the floor in stillness, there is no possible path but for them to come together again. There is no path but a slow and often painful resurrection of self. The mortar made of anger and sadness and powerlessness and bargaining and acceptance and grief… The poetry of breaking and eventually becoming whole again.