Today is Independence Day. Today is a day on which we, as Americans, celebrate the feeling of freedom that we gained by separating ourselves from another country. We celebrate by overeating dead flesh, dressing in red, white and blue and blowing up stuff. The irony that today is Independence Day feels like a cosmic joke because of the way that my day began.
One aspect of the seventh dimension is that you can interact with entire time-space realities that are not consensus realities like earth is. Your dreams for example are not consensus realities. With the majority of dreams, they are not being co-created. They are simply the direct and highly symbolic reflection of your personal frequency. For this reason, one could say that dreams are like personal journeywork processes that take place each night. Some of us consciously integrate these journeys. But for the majority, they are subconscious attempts on behalf of the being to integrate.
When you develop the capacity to travel without your body (with your consciousness and at will) you can access these time space realities that are not consensus realities. One of these time space realities some of us have nicknamed “The Journey Room”. The Journey Room is like a space filled with liquid black mirror. A black mirror in which merely by setting intention, your own being will cause it to transform into images and messages and experiences. It is as if it is answering your conscious or subconscious asking with an answer in the form of an experience. It is more of a two-way mirror because the universe at large (or any aspect belonging to it) can communicate with you as if from the other side of that mirror by generating experiences as well. The best way to imagine what happens there is to think about what happens on a shamanic hallucinogenic plant medicine. Frequently, they will cause your consciousness to leave your body and as a result, you have much more than visions. You have entire experiences ‘out there’ in the cosmos. They are called journeys because that is exactly what they are like. It is as if you have surrendered and some ‘force’ beyond you is showing you what it thinks you need to see. It is taking you where it thinks you need to go for your own growth. It brings you to beings who will be integral to your growth. When it is complete, you will often feel slammed back into your body and your life. But your life is now only familiar to you because you have been changed so much and have been gone for what feels like so long. The Journey Room is like this. It is a place where you have a shamanic journey, but one that you go to at will as opposed to getting there by rupturing your attachment to your physical body and brain with plant substances. Long story short, I went there today.
To understand what is to follow, I must begin by saying that one coping mechanism that some people use is to ‘disconnect’ from others. Some people use this coping mechanism so often and subconsciously that it is as if the disconnection happens TO them and not that they chose to disconnect. From the outside, this disconnection mechanism is terrifying. It is an emotional abandonment even if they don’t physically leave your vicinity. You can go from feeling as if you have the closest, warmest, most permanent closeness of spirit, mind, emotions and body with this person to the opposite. To feeling like you are standing in front of a person who does not know you, who is suddenly someone different. Suddenly they are cold in their movements and words and energy. Suddenly their life is theirs and your life is yours. They talk to you like you are strangers. They cannot feel you. You feel as if either you have lost the most precious thing in the world with no warning and no way to get it back or that you have dreamed the entire thing up and it never existed. You feel desperate to get that connection back and to figure out why it suddenly evaporated. But the horror is, you can’t figure it out any more than you can get them to reconnect. You are 100% at the mercy of them deciding to reconnect. And then that becomes a trauma... The constant insecurity of the connection that is always coming and vanishing, like quicksand in your hands. You can never HAVE them. This is a disaster if this person is someone you genuinely need, a person who is not replaceable to you… like a mother, father, best friend or primary partner. The worst part about relationships is that here in the third dimension, it takes two to have any relationship. It doesn’t matter if you want a relationship. If the other person doesn’t; you’re dead in the water. The powerlessness of this state is unparalleled. So is the suffering that comes as a result of it.
I have one such un-replaceable person in my life that copes in this way. He cannot stay connected if he encounters certain triggers or when he is away from me. The result is that I am continually being re-traumatized with emotional abandonment. Today is one of those days where he is disconnected and our connection may as well be a dream I had once. I feel alone in the world again. My cells are choking with a flood of anxiety. He is aware that it is happening, but is unable to do anything about it. The thing is, when a person is disconnected they are not in a place where they choose to be open to other people helping them to do anything, including re-connect. This is because even that would require connection. They withdraw instead. An aspect of them that has hijacked their being is disconnecting because that is what it wants to be doing and it doesn’t actually want to connect. So they may say, “I want to be connected”. But it isn’t fully true, they are just out of control and not in a space of awareness of the aspect of them that doesn’t actually want to. Addressing that aspect directly as well as the trauma that caused it to cope in that way is actually the answer. But seeing as how they are disconnected to the degree that they WANT to withdraw, there is no way to force them to connect. So today, I was left in a position where I was forced to do my own process work to deal with the suffering I was experiencing.
Sitting in meditation pose on my chair, I decided to use the emotion that I felt as the initial doorway to the Journey Room… It was the bluest ache. Despair was eating away underneath my sternum like an acid that crushes the flesh into a void instead of burning it away. Desperation kept wailing and trying to pull me away from that suffering, but with no more luck than a person being crucified by fire, who is tied to a stake. In trying to breathe through it, my fingers and lips began to tingle. A darkness started to consume my consciousness like it does when you are about to fall asleep. That is the window that the consciousness can use to access other dimensions. My eyes were closed. But looking down, I could clearly see my own hands on my lap and what I was wearing. This is the indication that your “3rd eye” is open. You do not need your eyes to see beyond the body. This seeing is the sight you use to journey inward (where the universe at large actually exists).
When you become adept at out of body travel, there is usually no longer a perception of “travel”. There can be no travel in a unified field because there is no distance and no time. The intention had already taken me to the Journey Room as if simply receiving a radio channel or going to a website. ‘Standing there’, I could see my image reflected in its surface. I come here so often I know that to enter into the ‘substance’ that is the canvass for the journey, I have to choose to walk into my own reflection. I feel nervous. I do it anyway and hold my breath when I do it. On the other side, I am amused by the fact that I held my breath going through the liquid. Even though I have no body, the mind is so strong that it carries human expectation into places that do not operate according to the rules that the human mind has come to know.
Inside the Journey Room, I am split into two perspectives. One, an observer who is watching what is occurring. The other, myself at three years old. I am lying on the carpet in the hallway of my childhood home. I am feeling the same feeling that I entered into to get to this place. It has incapacitated me and I’m crying on the floor. I am watching someone in my childhood as if I have lost them. I can feel them disconnected from me. They look at me with disgust. I cannot communicate the complex emotional nature of my distress. As a child there on the floor, I am seeing memories of this person smiling at me as if I am their sun, moon and stars. I remember feeling like I belonged to them. But now, it is gone. I feel like it was all a dream I had once. I cannot maintain connection with them. I am desperate for it. I feel as if my entire personality is a threat to them. I feel some part of them is afraid of me and I feel that they don't want me anymore. When I cling to try to create that security of connection, they get exasperated at my clinging and push me away. I am frozen because of it. I feel a complex process of disconnection has taken place between us. We began to lose our connection with one another. And what is scary is that I could see that they were consciously unaware of this dimension of our relationship. This person may have loved me. But that love was inaccessible. It was covered over in layers of hatred in fact. Hatred they would never admit to consciously because that is not how they “should feel” towards me. They only felt the hurt underneath it. And I hated them right back. Because of the hurt that was underneath it too.
The Journey Room would not let me get out of that perspective. It felt wrong to resolve it in any way. It held me there, like a rabbit squirming beneath a hand, for what amounted to over an hour until I could surrender to the reality. Until I could feel the desperation give way to depression. He reality was that there was no way I could do anything to get this person to reconnect with me emotionally. I was powerless. An entity without form came to lie with me on the floor. I needed it to cling to me. I had a realization… In my life, I am the one who clings to people. My connection with all people is like quick sand. And to be honest, it has gotten SO much worse since getting famous. I feel like my being is always tense with trying to KEEP connection to them. What I realized is that I am done doing this. What I really need is to feel someone cling to me. I need to feel the feeling of people being so committed to being in connection with me, that THEY are the ones taking responsibility for their connection to me. That way, I can stop being in charge of their connection to me and be responsible for the only part I am actually responsible for, which is my connection with them.
My observer self heard a knock at the door. When I looked to see who it was, it was me, at this age. The me that was at the door waited for this person to answer. It said “I need to talk to you”. They had no idea who I was. They led me into the living room, looking confused and distressed. I watched myself explain that who I was, but grown up. I watched myself explain as if I was a transcendental visitor from the future, the emotional dynamic that was taking place between us ( them and the 3 year old in the hallway). I watched myself explain all the chain of events and tragedy that would come as a result of it and of not facing it directly now, before all of those events occurred. Two angels entered the room and invited this person to go with them to help them get completely clear on what was occurring and to heal the wounds that were contributing to it. This person seemed in shock, but followed them.
At that point, my 33 year old self picked up my 3 year old self from the floor. An angel flew them both up into a gold and blue palace room in the clouds. The three year old self was still motionless with the weight of having to accept she had no control over forcing other people to be connected to her. The angel tried to explain that it wasn’t her job to ‘earn’ them in that way. It wasn’t her job to take responsibility for making them connect to her. The angel was energetically re-connecting her with the sense of exhaustion and unfairness of having to do this.
For a log time, there was no resolve. The feeling in their air was that of wanting to get a secure connection for the little girl version of me. But it was a stalemate. If they could come, they could go. I watched a third angel, but this one in the form of a light being with no wings, come into the room with a blue blow up kiddy pool. She put it into the corner of the room. She asked the little girl to go over to it. The little girl started to dry heave as if she was going to be sick. She threw up, but what she threw up was me… at age 6. Then that 6 year old threw up another version of me at age 12. I watched as each one vomited an older aged version of me. They were all suffering from the same wound as the first. They were all suffering the lack of connection. They were all emotionally starving.
The light body picked each one of them up and placed them into the pool. She then asked the little 3 year old girl if she was ready. She nodded. When she nodded, she began to dissolve like the melting of a wax candle. The rest followed suit. I transitioned into her perspective. I felt the divine relief of losing myself and beginning to merge with the other aspects of me until there was such a thick togetherness, I couldn’t touch the feeling of “alone”. Soon, there was nothing left but a pool of beautiful multi-colored swirls. The light being took my hand (the observer self) and placed me along with the 33 year old self in the pool to dissolve. And then she brought Graciela into the room. Graciela was excited to dissolve. She melted fast due to the lack of resistance she has to connection. Then it brought Blake. He melted in obedience to the angels. Then it brought Ale into the room. When it invited him inside, he resisted immediately. He said “You guys, I have so much to do right now”. He acted as if it were an irritation to be doing such impractical things. The light being insisted. It held his hand, despite him pulling and pulling to get away as if his life depended on it. He began to yell like he was getting killed. In the desperate attempt to get free, he too vomited. What he threw up was a little boy version of himself. Ale’s adult self tried to break away to go get the boy and stuff the boy inside him again. But the light being wouldn’t let him go. He started crying for his little boy self to run. The little boy listened and began to run away. He ran out of the palace. But the two winged angels and I caught up to him on a hillside. He fell to the ground and he was hysterical crying, knowing he had been thwarted. He covered his ears and eyes and started rocking back and forth saying “I can’t ever do that, I can’t become one and then become two again.” All of us understood that the sheer terror of being connected with anything that could go away had made Ale’s inner child make the decision to never be connected to anyone. But he couldn’t do that because he is a child. He is dependent. So, an aspect of Ale’s personality had to be born. A protector self (that is mistaken for his adult self) whose job it was to make sure that he never merges with anyone again.
The angels talked to both Ale’s adult looking protector self and to the little child self about the fact that it isn’t his responsibility to make someone stay connected to him. They explained that he didn’t have anyone who was attached to him in that way because if he had, they would have been attuned to him enough to understand the impact of their actions. They explained that all of that is their responsibility. They explained that the pain he feels is because he was connected to people who were not connected to him and so he too feels like people are like quick sand. They showed him how my selves want so badly to feel him so that they can meet his needs and feel close and feel belonging with him permanently. It is the opposite of losing yourself they said. In genuine connection, a person invests in knowing you and meeting your needs and coming towards you. They help you find yourself. I could see in his eyes the exhaustion of fighting against connection as an opposite reaction to the exhaustion of fighting for connection with people who are not connected to him. I could see the mirror in he and I for the first time. He got into the pool and began to melt. He too, felt the relief of it.
“This is merging… One step before oneness” I thought to myself. For what felt like an hour, the angels kept finding people from my life and bringing them to melt into the technicolor pool. It felt like heaven. There was no lack of freedom in it. There was interdependence. The ego in a state of fear is the thing that pushes other things and other people away. Selfhood is only glorious to the degree that you can also maintain connection with others. Self hood without connection is a hell on earth. A hell that so many call ‘normal daily life’. To be honest, human connection is so fucked up on planet earth that we all wear masks before the world. Masks that keep us safe. Masks designed to earn the connection we need from others. But by earning their connection, part of us knows that once we stop earning it, it will be gone. We keep clinging to other people without realizing that anyone is clinging to us. As a result, we do not take care of that connection. The truth is, we don’t really want independence. What we want is to be able to depend on other people. Independence (different from autonomy) only feels like relief if we cannot depend on other people. Hell on earth is a world where there are over 7 billion people and most of them feel completely alone.
Today on this 4th of July, I share the message with you that there is a state that is much better than the state of independence. It is the state of interdependence and that is where we are headed as a world today. As of this day forward, I am going to lead an interdependence celebration every 4th of July.