Today, I went to see a dentist. My gums have receded on my left side, exposing the roots and are now sensitive enough that they hurt. Going to the dentist is my least favorite thing. The vulnerability of laying in a reclined position while someone roots around with frightening looking instruments in your mouth is even worse than going to the gynecologist. I do not usually go to see doctors because I know that the symptoms that I am experiencing are not the cause of the problem. In other words, exceeding gums are not the cause of the discomfort. They, like the discomfort itself are a symptom of a deeper issue. As always, the symptom is a result of suppressed childhood trauma. The trauma causing the receding gums just so happens to be the anxiety I experience from time to time that is the result of my inability to win the approval of one of my family members. There is an anger that covers over the vulnerable feel of not being able to win approval from someone who is not likely to give it to you. The pattern of that energy feeds directly into the face and teeth. I decided to work on the physical approach simultaneously with the emotional approach to healing this time.
I walked into the modern office. The waxy candle smell of fake apple cider floated through the office, mixing with the scent of strong disinfectant. The receptionist, with her forced friendly demeanor, asked me to fill out a bible’s length stack of paper work. When they called me back and discovered the physical cause of the issue, He informed me he was going to get the anesthetic. The man who abused me so badly when I was a child, was a vet and so he had unlimited access to all kinds of anesthetics. His preferred one to use on me was injectable ketamine. Injecting someone with ketamine makes it easy to do whatever you want to do with someone, without them being able to move. As a result, I associate anesthetics with trauma. It brings up body memory and intrusive flash backs for me. So, needless to say when he mentioned anesthetics, I felt myself instantly tense up and I felt terror creep across my skin and through my chest. I decided that I would completely allow this feeling of intense, paralyzing fear and instead of run from it, be with it. Over the years, my body has adapted to anesthetics. Even though I’m hyper sensitive to everything else, because of the long-term use of anesthetics, I do not react to them hardly at all. It took the dentist 6 shots today of three different types of anesthesia to numb the one tooth he wanted to place substitute enamel on. That was traumatizing in and of itself. My jaw now feels like it’s been hit by a baseball. Anyway, I was sitting there thinking, “Teal, you don’t even believe in all this, why are you here?”.
I allowed those thoughts as well as the feeling of the anesthetic, which did not only reach my jaw, but also began to spread through the rest of my body, creating this feeling I used to get on ketamine. It is a feeling of total surrender; the will to resist is gone. And then I discovered the bigger picture of why I went to the dentist’s office today. I felt myself remember slipping into what they call a “K Hole”. I was right back in the first memory of experiencing that. I felt like I was sitting on the bottom of the ocean, but the ocean was warm. The water (which I could breathe) was blue gray. There was no sound except for a low rushing sound in the background. Tall ocean kelp reeds swayed back and forth in the current overhead. I felt like no one could find me down there. I could not move at all. I was trying to move though and I was trying to function. It felt a bit like dying. I did not let myself fully sink into the feeling. So, low and behold, the suppressed feeling became a “fractured aspect” of me. If you have done any inner child work, you’ll know that the child you is frozen at any point that you suppress an emotion or dissociate. This means, you are essentially full of integrated child selves. Come to find out today that one of my child aspects was stuck inside a K Hole today. I sat with her and let her really feel the emotions and then took her out of the perspective she was in, out of the water and into a field of sunflowers. And I let her sleep in my arms.
I imagined that this one child would be all I would find. But low and behold, I was sucked into another memory. This time, I was in a veterinary office, unable to move, lying on the cold metal surface of the table. I had not been administered enough ketamine to sink into a K hole, instead, I simply couldn’t move despite my body being flooded with terror. I'll spare you the rest of the details of the actual abuse. But while experiencing this memory, I felt like my entire body was covered in cement that was as heavy as a semi truck. I have never felt so heavy in my life. And as I allowed that feeling more and more, I felt like the dentist’s chair had turned upside down and gravity was now pulling at the front side of my body. I consciously went back into the images of the memory and stood over my 12 year old self on that table and said “I’m here now with this, let yourself feel that way, it’s ok to feel this scared”. I watched her close her eyes and allow the feelings within her to exist. I then picked her up and propped her against the wall. I went to the little fridge where the little bottle collection of injectable drugs was and I pulled them out in handfuls and smashed the bottles against the cement floor. Even though my 12-year-old self was too incapacitated to put full force into it, I let her haphazardly throw a few too. I picked her up and transported her to my “mental safe place” where I fed her some magic water to remove the drug from her system. I asked her what she wanted more than anything. She told me that she wanted her hair to be washed with strawberry shampoo and that she wanted to eat some s’mores and so I washed her hair in a stream with strawberry shampoo and cooked marshmallows over a fire with her and made them into s’mores, which we ate together before she fell asleep in my arms. The feeling of fear within me dissipated on it’s own, as a result of allowing myself to fully feel it.
I finally understood why other animal species do not exhibit the same PTSD and personality disorders that humans do. It is because their social structure does not support suppression or denial. Animals do not sedate, invalidate suppress or deny their emotions. They have no reason to “keep up appearances” and so, they allow themselves to feel however they feel. They let themselves fully feel terrorized and react accordingly in an uninhibited way. As a result, those emotions do not become stuck within their systems. They move through the emotions and into the now quickly. This means, when the now is safe again, they feel safe, because they feel what is now, just as they allowed themselves to feel “what is now” when what was now, was terror. The being that suppresses, sedates, invalidates or denies the way they feel, will constantly experience the past as the now because they never allow themselves to move through the feeling when it was the “now” of their experience.
When I opened my eyes, I realized that the purpose of going to the dentist’s office today was to be triggered into re-integrating two of my child-self aspects. It is amazing how the universe leads you to the exact experience you need in order to become whole. “Deviations” that seem to make no sense when they are occurring, make perfect sense in retrospect. The word in the ethers last year was that 2014 would be the year of integration. The year of endless opportunities to revisit the parts of us that are denied and suppressed and run from, in order to become more whole as the frequency of our earth increases. I have to say, that prediction about this year, is proving to be true.