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Fall and Fly

I am struggling with people today.  I have made myself a match to multiple people warning me about my relationship decisions.  People have a tendency of saying that they are concerned about me and are warning me because they love me.  But concern is not love.  Concern is what happens when the mind is preoccupied with anxiety and negative focus as a result of distrust.  I have figured out why women who get into abusive relationships don’t want to tell anyone about it.  It’s because people around you stop thinking you are capable of making the right choices for yourself.  They start to think that they know what is good for you, more so than you know what is good for you.  This is what people have done with me.  Many of my friends do not trust me with my own life and especially my relationship choices.  It hurts.  That blatant distrust is really painful.  If feels like they are fanning the fire of self-doubt and fear.  The opposite thing needs to happen when people line up with a painful experience as a result of a choice they have made.  They need to be reassured that they can trust themselves, their intuition and their feelings.

I am going to have a shadow moment because I can do that on my personal blog… I am sick and tired of hearing people tell other people to be more careful with their life.  Approaching this world with an attitude of fear is not “in alignment”.  They are basically saying, “don’t trust yourself or what you create”.  Since when did cowardice become a virtue?  My favorite part about myself is the fact that even though I get hurt, I will throw myself head first into life and into love again and again.  People may use the words “trust your emotions” but they do not really mean it.  In truth, they think emotions lead people astray.

I’m going to come clean and admit that the last six months of my life have caused me to have less faith in myself, in my feelings and in my intuition.  That is why I am a match to people throwing their distrust in my decisions on top of the fire.  But this interaction has reminded me just how essential it is to adhere to a higher level of awareness and a higher perspective on the subject.

START LIVING.jpgFrom a higher perspective, my guides, my intuition and my feelings did not lead me astray.  I followed them towards what felt the best to me.  I ended up wandering into one of the most intense healing cycles of my life.  I got hurt.  But I also learned things that are absolutely priceless to my future happiness.

People ask me all the time now why my intuition and my guides did not warn me about the potential divorce with Mark or about the potential painful experience of my relationship with Fallon before it occurred.  They say it as if something went terrible wrong.  But the reality is, the experience may have been exactly what I was meant to experience.  I can’t know that it wasn’t the very best thing for my highest good and future happiness.  The more time passes, the more obvious it becomes that the experience I had was an extreme catalyst for growth.  I took steps I would never have taken without it.  I made self-loving decisions that healed several unhealed parts within me.   I discovered things about myself that I was absolutely blind to before.  I’m more allowing of my needs now.  I’m much more self-loving and I’m much more in alignment with my personal truth now because of it.  I’m also much closer to love than I ever have been before because of it.  So in reality, I made the perfect decision.  I made the right choice.  My emotions did not lie to me.  They guided me perfectly into my expansion and what I’ve been asking for.  I have recently been telling the lie that I am terrible at relationships.  Actually, I'm very good at relationships.  I am good at them because I have fallen on my face in relationships over and over again.  As a result, I know what works and what doesn't.  Since when did the avoidance of pain become a measure of success?  Try telling the Wright brothers that the person who knows how to fly the best, is the one who has never crashed.  Seems ludicrous right?  But we tell this story relative to relationships all the time.

wright bros.pngA life lived with the purpose of avoiding pain, is a life un-lived.  It is cowardice.  If you live like that, you may feel less pain in your life, but you will also feel less of everything else as well… Less joy, less freedom, less expansion, less love.  I don’t want to live that kind of life.  I’d rather fall flat on my face again and again and eventually fly, than to listen to caution and never jump in the first place.

I think the worst thing that could possibly happen to someone after experiencing an unwanted, painful event (that was a result of a choice they made) is that it could make them doubt their feelings and decide to live their life carefully in accordance with mental sensibility.  That’s the real long-term damage, not the pain of experiencing “failure”.  I chose courage.  I choose fearlessness.  I chose not to send myself the message that my feelings and desires can’t be trusted.  And guess what?  Given the chance, I’m going to dive head first into life again, this time with the new knowledge and perspective I’ve gained as a result of crashing the last time.  One day, I will fly.  That is… If I’m not flying already!

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One of my favorite blog posts. I always admire your ability to trust yourself and your resilience to pain/suffering. You aren't afraid to go after what you want or do what feels right. Over and over I keep coming back to that lesson in my life. I grew up in an alcoholic system. We were taught to deny and not trust our own feelings. It's amazing how difficult it is to undo that programming...

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O my god. Really o my god. I had the same issue with my friends about my relationships. Love and everything. It was hell of a feeling of being in a same page with you here and it was awesome for me. 

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I love this part, "Since when did cowardice become a virtue?  My favorite part about myself is the fact that even though I get hurt, I will throw myself head first into life and into love again and again."

I had the fortune to be in three different long-term abusive relationships in my teenage years. Each relationship was a huge catalyst for growth (as you put it) and helped me mature into a better person. Each relationship (of roughly two years) prepared me for the next two years. I was able to live with my partners and enmesh myself fully with their lives very early in life, so I was able to make a marriage at the age of twenty which I've kept for ten years now and have no intention of letting go. (Although, without polyamory it would have failed.) It if were not for those seven years of serious relationships and serious failures first, there is no way I could have the relationships I have now.

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