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365 Days to Self Love Day1 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Aiding in my tiredness is a viral load off the charts at 750 of the Epstein Barr Virus. I've watched Teal's videos and two times took notes on her very enlightening Chronic Fatigue video. My self-esteem seems to prevent me from making any lasting changes and often prevents me from even starting things. This trickles over into every aspect of my life including when I lay down for bed, when I leave my home, and when I answer the phone. I live in a perpetual state of fear. Even before this virus prevented me from working I lived in fear. I want a different life for myself than sitting on the couch being brainwashed by the media. I want to feel amazing with my toes in Grecian sand, and I want that flight to be a breeze instead of something that petrifies me to think of. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to have a partner. I want to make jewelry and have filthy hands from playing in potters clay. I want to help people in a way that doesn't leave me resentful and scraping by financially. Here's my starting point. I lay on the couch all day watching Netflix and switching to my phone eyeballing Facebook and Instagram. When it's time to sleep I brush my teeth, floss and oil pull (new habit), then turn off the tv and remain on the couch to sleep. My Adrenal fatigue is very severe. I can be on my feet for a couple hours during the day without exhaustion, but I will feel uneasy and fearful of my blood sugar dropping. I have hypoglycemia and my blood sugar drops every two hours, three if I'm lucky. I live alone in my apartment. I have one casual married male friend I see once a month at a vegan potluck and another I talk to occasionally via the Marco Polo application. She lives in Seattle. I leave the house to go to Costco and the grocery store. I'm doing this here in Teal's space because I feel safe here. I feel other people will accept what I'm doing. I want to hold myself accountable and follow through with a whole year documenting my journey. Finding self love and reclaiming my life is my top priority and I feel it's time to do something drastic. I'd like to look back on this and rejoice this time in my life as a valuable painful learning experience that is in the past. If one person reads my trials and begins their own journey to self love, thats an immeasurable bonus! Day 2 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' I felt pressure yesterday following this new way of thinking. I didn't turn on the tv until the evening, which was a huge detour from my normal life laying on the couch. I was however on my laptop a lot haha. I went to my family's house (200 foot walk) and talked with my mom and pet her many corgis for over an hour. She breeds them under strict standards and shows them professionally. What was notably different was I received a renewal application in the mail and instead of looking at it until the day it was due I filled it out and actually dropped it off. I was dizzy and foggy headed doing so and I was scared to go to the grocery store which I had planned after. I asked the sacred question wondering to press on or go home, and was surprised to get the answer of 'go to the store'. I did. I didn't feel great, but I got through it, and actually felt peace that I could trust this answer from my higher self because it was not my first inclination. I know, a boring read so far. Prepare for more boring. I asked randomly during the day and I was told 'eat', 'go to the bathroom' and even 'lay down', 'relax'! When I listened to my body sure enough these things were a priority and I guess I was just ignoring them until it became glaringly obvious. Day 3 of 365 days of 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?' In the name of authenticity and shame. In asking the question 'WWSWLTD?', I was pulled to catch up on Teal's blogs. She discussed shame that she feels and it probed me to ask about my shame, so I thought jogged the following: Being seen as a slob, Being seen as lazy, Being seen as sexual specifically around family, Being seen as free spirited “wild” = without discipline, Being seen as WooWoo or spiritual, Being seen as inadequate, especially in artistic measures, Being seen as a victim, Having racist moments when I know better, Not finishing things, Not meeting financial goals, Not looking ideally thin and healthy (in control), Not being well liked by people, Not being really good at something for my age. Not being seen as a good example of how to live in society with success and discipline. So afraid of being disliked that you end up alone. (because you judge others as harshly as you do yourself and abandon them if they do things you don’t agree with, or see as spiritually devolved.) Shortly after creating my list, my friend is Seattle rang on Marco Polo and we had a rare authentic conversation about projecting an accurate image of yourself into the digital dating world. She told me stories of vast misrepresentations and I admitted I rarely take pictures of myself and the only full body one that was not a 'shameful selfie' was when I was 10-15lbs lighter (just after a breakup no less). People online would want to meet me and I would never meet them in person because I knew I was false advertising and could not handle the rejection of reading the disappointment on their face and the utter awkward moments to follow. I just wanted someone to talk to and mask my loneliness and pain. The point this made me realize is this. Up until two years ago I have been in a relationship since I was 13 years old. I was a master at finding a guy I could land and accommodating myself to reflect his interests. Since I was ashamed of being spiritual, energy sensitive, or the barefoot bohemian type, I led with other aspects. I like long haired musicians, nice cars and fast bikes, have an innocent face, am desperate to go to Greece. What did I find? Long haired musicians I was petrified to sing around. Lots of handsome intelligent foreign men who were great with numbers and facts, attracted to my wholesome look, and loved my need for speed. Never mind I was used and using them for non intimate sex because that was the only way I knew how to get connection. Finally, A couple years ago this blew up in my face. Out of lust of Damon Salvator the bad boy in Vampire Diaries I manifested an American who looked strikingly similar to him and had similar non acting interests. On a beautiful night in Santa Cruz, CA my friend decided to have a beach party. 7 or 8 attended and I was on a rare moment happily myself since there were only two guys and both were in relationships, and what I considered too young. I told embarrassing shit stories of when I was in the Army and we all drank and bonded. What I didn't know was this boy 7 years younger had fallen for me, went home broke up with his girlfriend of three years and started pursuing me three days later. Naturally I was completely off guard and scrambled to put on my protective swave game face. Bam spiritual barefoot Emily vanished and out came wholesome, catering, attentive, adventurous Emily. We fell in love hard and fast. He worked in the forrest and loved to fish, which fit right in line with my family's way of living. Everyone was shocked I was dating an American with a red Jeep and a yellow dog. We moved in together two blocks from the beach and everything was going great, until I started getting sick with my Chronic Fatigue symptoms. He started to realize I was depressed with suppressed anger, which only magnified how uncomfortable he was with his suppressed feelings. As I got sicker I became more spiritual and obsessive with Feng Shui hoping to fix my life. He was alien to the idea of energy and even what healthy food was, and I was all about that when I got sick because I had saved my own life with diet before. A great love, or ideal of love, turned into two near strangers living together trapped after a year and a half. One day laying on the couch I put his arm around me for one too many times. I told him that it felt forced for him to be close to me and I absolutely don't want to be around someone who doesn't want me. In that moment I l probed him hard learning of his flailing feelings and immediately, what felt out of the blue, we broke up. I was already too sick to work and lonely from his rejection of my natural treatment methods. This made me feel so awful, but so so much worse when I learned he had been sleeping around. By now I was unable to hold down even my own massage practice so I flew home to Alaska to be with family and recuperate. During the month home, he began a new relationship, and there was no mending it. When I returned I found myself with a fast timeline to move out and another girl was to move in immediately after. Thus began a heartbreak so painful my health hit the floor. I moved to Alaska where I now reside and have worked hard to forgive him, which I feel I have genuinely done. It took a heartbreak so painful, a true rejection from someone I loved, and two years for me to sit here and say this. Not representing myself authentically is a form of self rejection and shame that can be so terribly painful and devastating I wondered how it has not killed me. The moral is to accept myself, and courageously be myself, thus attracting people who feel the same about themselves, and have the capacity to give to me in a way that is less likely to be detrimental. So how do I do that when I have so much shame and have never been authentically myself around any man or immediate family member for fear of rejection? That is exactly why I am asking the question throughout the day 'What would someone who loves themselves do?' because, I don't know yet. I'm at what feels like ground zero of unconditional self love. I do know that self rejection is a futile leaned behavior to seek acceptance and now a state too painful to live with.