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Read this... I have been staying in all day in this room which seems alien. I've felt this way before when I was sent away to a boarding school which was far away on a hill overlooking the city I used to live in. I've been engaging in Teal Swan's content virtually all the time if I'm not elsewhere, or even if I am, when I am, I just let the universe choose my message over and over and over again cause it doesn't satisfy me for some reason, and this restlessness is something I fail to notice or persist with it until I realize how many times I've refreshed the page. I arrived here in Sydney on the 9th of December, full of anticipation of feeling like now, finally I might have a chance to find my people, to feel like I might find a romantic partner despite my contradictory beliefs (like how could someone possibly like someone like me), shop online and mostly, to be able to finally meet/see/get a chance to interact with Teal. And now I find out that she is coming to Sydney right after my birthday, which is some days before her's. What I was inordinately (I can't emphasize how much) looking forward to was to be able to attend her workshop, and find people or maybe get a chance to talk to her, even if it's just for ten minutes, which would be enough, and then get a chance to connect with other people. I feel like nobody understands me (more like nobody would actually suggest something I would want to do which I might l have to do in order to live a life I want to live, but her). And I feel like she might. I'm just being authentic. I might be projecting or whatever you want to call it but seeing how other people go upstage and pour their feelings out and get resolution makes me feel hopeful (to some degree, in case I don't get picked). SO, after realizing that the workshop in Sydney isn't going to be a synchronization workshop, for which the minimum price is $85-ish( which I wouldn't have gotten but now that I think about it would be better than not being able to attend at all) but instead a FIFTH ELEMENT WORKSHOP for which the minimum price is $600 or something, I felt a familiar feeling which I can't describe, but I started to fantasize things (not in anyway harmful to me or others). Now I have $19 in my bank account but I will be getting money today which I'll need for paying rent and all that. A synchronization workshop will be held in Melbourne and I have fantasized about being teleported somehow, a ufo taking me there, a stranger inviting me, I can't even list them, can't remember them all(I'm a little crazy). I am running out of money, don't have a job, am picky about jobs, don't want to work at McDonald's or somewhere like that, haven't gotten a job where I thought I could manage to work enough to save, did a cleaning job for a week which is how long it took me to realize that my shoulders were hurting and had to feel the pain of ignoring it for the whole week for a whole day. I have asked my mom for money, she said "don't worry" but what she doesn't know is I don't care about eating as much as about other things. And I sure as hell can't ask them for money to attend a workshop. They'll get mad. If (I'm aware this might sound insane) it were certain that I would get enough money to buy the ticket, I would not eat anything for a whole week except for water. And I don't even know the skill of breatharianism, I would do it without thinking twice, that's how desperate I've become. CAUSE I DON'T SEE HOW I COULD POSSIBLY ATTRACT MONEY INTO MY LIFE. Don't get me wrong, I like to spend money. In fact, when I earned money from the cleaning job ($550), I bought some stuff without thinking twice and everyone who's aware of it, of the price of the stuff I bought (in case you're wondering what it is, it's a crystal elixir water bottle from glaccebottles.com which costs US$80 for one bottle, and I got three) thinks I'm crazy for spending money like that. Of course, they don't understand. I feel pathetic every once in a while. As a matter of fact, I don't even take the law of attraction too seriously. It feels like an effort to visualize sometimes. Like it's not going to get me anywhere cause I can't feel the feeling signature, LIKE I WOULD FEEL THE SAME IF I HAD SOME MILLION DOLLARS RIGHT NOW, but I also know I wouldn't truthfully. I know I'm very impatient. And I can't help but think that I will have to return back to my humdrum life in Kathmandu, without meeting her and finding people to connect with (I'm aware a part of me is in resistance to it) and so on and so forth. So how do you attract money? Am I missing something? Am I being dramatic? I want to shed some tears but I can't cause I can only conceptualize of me crying. I want to cry but I just sit here, in this room wondering what step I could possibly take in this moment to raise my vibration enough. I feel like i'm being difficult on purpose, but I'm just being authentic (to the degree that I know myself). At this point, (again fantasizing), the only thing that would faze me if I somehow miraculously won the lottery (I bought two tickets the day before yesterday and didn't win duh) or if an angel or something appeared right in front of me here. Or if money somehow came to me. Who am I kidding?
Healing Crisis Sometimes I get so amazed at how I feel like I've come a long way. I feel like I've finally learned how to fully allow myself to dive deep and feel an amazing feeling of joy and peace after releasing very old traumas. And most days this year I've been able to say that I felt a little bit happier/fuller than the previous one. Though sometimes things get so out of control I feel like that's all BS and that I've actually gone nowhere, like today. I've always struggled with self-worth issues. Growing up I had an handicapped younger brother and my mother used to pretty much always take care of him and put him first, never had time to play with me. He made me so angry, but that anger was deeply repressed under a feeling of shame because "come on, he's handicapped. He needs more attention than you do." I've come to realize how this has created a pattern in my life where in literally every relationship (school, friends, love...) I've always felt like fun and respect was for the others and not for me. I've conditioned myself all my life to always, ALWAYS put other people first. Every time someone would be unfairly mean to me, I wouldn't get angry. I've been picked on at school forever and never had the guts to defend myself. I think I can say I've never had any genuine friend since all those who could've been a good match with me I ended up rejecting because I felt unworthy of being respected and loved and because I felt like the fact that they had some kind of interest in me made them losers. The only person I could get angry with was my sister whom I feel so sorry to have used as an emotional punching bag for all my childhood because she was the only one whom I know would still love me even if I was mean to her. So yeah, 2 days ago I tried doing inner child work and tried to visualize the "perfect" parents give that attention and sense of self-worth to the parts of me that have always craved it. I did feel some kind of relief (nothing grandiose though, but still something). Though yesterday night, I feel like all the resistance I had towards this feeling decided to get out of the pandora's box. I felt intense feelings of total and complete loneliness and abandonment (both from self and others), shame, despair. It was so out of control anxiety started kicking in on top of it. I spend the whole night switching between laying down and sitting in fetus pose, I couldn't sleep at all. I felt so powerless to these feelings. The more I tried to connect with them the scarier I got and the more I tried to calm and ground myself the scarier I got as well. I felt so exhausted and restless at the same time. Even today I barely ate anything, had to call sick at work since I felt like less than a pile of crap and none of my naps have been successful. I even did a distant Reiki session with my Reiki Master. It did calm me a bit but not for too long. Anyway, part of me just felt like talking about it. It's like one of the very few ways I found to give me some kind of relief. But maybe somebody could enlighten me on the subject of Healing Crisis'? I'm not quite sure to understand this concept fully but I'd like to know from others' personal experiences. Maybe that could help me not feel like I'm going utterly insane the next time it happens. Some tips would be great as well. Thank you <3 -Fred