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  1. Stuck in pain For the past week or so, I have been diving deeper into my emotions. I have been triggered non stop since I started doing so. I'm feeling a lot of anger and beneath that powerlessness and despair. I've realised that I abandon my self, my needs and allow myself and other to cross my boundaries. I've sat with my anger and powerlessness and I came to the realisation that I do this out of fear of rejection, or even worse, abdonment. I've cried and cried, felt my pain, gone into the place this all began and spoken to my inner child but I am still feeling intense anger and rage. I'm still flipping out the moment my boundaries are crossed and then I sink into that feeling of powerlessness once again. I'm so low, so defeated and so scared of the thoughts I have of not living anymore. I just don't know where to turn or what I'm not seeing. Is it possible that the anger is covering more than just powerlessness. Is there more stuff buried under the anger, more than one event in my life that has triggered the pain of powerlessness. Others around me continue to show me how powerless I feel. I am treated badly, no respect for my needs or boundaries. My daughters behaviour is out of control. My partner seems to love me under conditions, rejects me, my needs, everything I say or do is wrong. If I don't do things the way he expects he seems to "abandon" me in the sense he completely ignores me and shames me. He says that it's me. He says that I'm not embracing life and so negative and angry and that's why he treatse the way he does. I am surrounded by people who continuously try to control me, cross my boundaries and ignore my needs. The anger I know is me screaming out for someone to see me. I just want to be seen, heard and loved unconditionally. I don't know which way to turn anymore. Its getting the point where I don't see the point in living. Please can someone help me.
  2. Soul exhaustion...harassment and losing my appartment Losing my appartment. Losing my so-called friends after a very, very intense, violent and abusive relationship I broke with a man who swore to God he would kill me if I ever left him. I won't go into graphic details... Maybe one... his d... all over my crying face and his laugh, jeez Losing my trust in everybody he is now triangulating (my so-called "friends") with his favorite masks... So sick and tired of his little mind games where there can only be one goal: my inner destruction. Why do we have to have people live ONLY to destroy the ones who saw through them.? WHY? I'm at loss with words for it looks like his cruelty can only be perceived by a few ones but nobody, nofuckin body, will take the right step to stop him for good. My guides warned me... I am suffering a true and massive exhaustion on all levels. I really hope I will reunite with my Mom, the sooner the better I miss you so much MOM!
  3. Will Healing ever end? Are you in a never ending loop of suffering, despair, depression and loneliness? It seems like when you are on the road to healing, that there is never an end, especially in psychological and emotional healing. But a reality is that anything that has a beginning has an end. Also that healing is what life is made of because learning and discovery come through the process of healing. Here is what to add to the description: Teal Swan is an International Spiritual Leader. She offers perspective on a wide range of topics including relationships, anxiety, meditation, shadow work, the law of attraction, The Completion Process, healing, PTSD, emotions and spirituality Website: For daily updates, monthly online Synchronization Workshops join Facebook: Instagram: Twitter: TEALCATALYST Newsletter: Completion Process Book: Teal's Meditations: Teal's e-shop: Beginning Song: Kuan Yin's Mantra (c) 2002 Lisa Thiel End Song: Howling Sloth Help us caption & translate this video!
  4. Recovering from extreme porn addiction - Do I get a second chance? Hello everyone, I'm very new here, and relatively new to Teal's articles and videos. You could also say I'm fairly new to learning about spirituality, outside of a damaging Christian upbringing. I've been struggling with self forgiveness, depression, and POCD (pedophile OCD) since I quit pornography use about a month ago. I've put a lot of mental work into feeling better but every time I start to enjoy something my mind tells me I'm a sicko because of the porn I've seen, and that I don't deserve to enjoy anything. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and GAD, along with OCD intrusive thoughts, so it can be extremely difficult to wrangle my brain back into control. I have an extreme fear of being 'cut off' from spirituality. A truly crippling scrupulousness. I fear that the porn I viewed was so disgusting and awful that I am now condemned and beyond reconciliation. I personally believe that everyone deserves forgiveness, no matter what as long as they're genuinely remorseful and take action to change themselves, which I am and have. I have changed a lot and I want to keep learning and growing, but I feel I can't when my brain is telling me that I'm a horrible person, beyond forgiveness and that the damage has been done. I'm also suffering a bit of POCD, though I do not experience attraction to children. I'm 20 and I do have fantasies of myself as underage (15) when I have sex with my boyfriend, and I sometimes think about childhood sexual experiences (w/ other children) and it sometimes arouses me. Is that sick? The porn I viewed often reflected these feelings. The taboo of being underage, attraction to older men, etc. I never viewed actual child porn, but I was attracted to the youngest looking models. I believe that masturbating from a very young age, early access to porn, and a natural sexual interest are what led to the addiction and escalation, because there's nothing sexy to me about hardcore, disgusting porn. I think about what I viewed now and I recoil at the thought. I had a difficult childhood, being raised by my single grandmother in poverty, not really knowing my parents. I believe I took to porn and masturbation as an escape. I'm not excusing anything, but I know that porn use escalates and when you start as a young child it's even more detrimental. I'm a very anxious, sensitive person and scrupulousity was instilled in me from an early age. I never want to hurt anyone and I try to treat others as I'd want to be treated. But the extent of my porn use has been a dirty secret of mine for so long and it feels like it alone outweighs the good. I just want to know that I'm not being somehow shunned by the universe or something. I want to know if I really can have a second chance at living a meanungful, helpful life and I want to gain spiritual awareness and conciousness. Can I do that when I've behaved so sexually deviously? Can I make up for my horrible mistake by changing and never again giving in to the unrelenting grip of porn? I'm embarrassed even posting this because I know how neurotic this all sounds. TL;DR: Can people who have done awful things be forgiven, make changes, and live a spiritually meaningful life? Can one big mistake ruin your soul?
  5. Terrified. Hi, i don't think i can explain myself, don't really know where to start so in trying to come up with a simplified explanation to post, "terrified" is the truest thing i can find to start from. i have a few questions about the completion process / living in general on relation to this terror. i found Teal's video on what to do when feeling suicidal one day and (when i can find space between destruction, denial, and desperate attempts to cope less destructive lying with life) ive watched a few more trying to find some way forward from my self built hell. Trying to keep a long story short, all of the advice in the videos and the completion process seem to rely on being able to face your feelings. My inability /unwillingness to face my feelings is exactly what is ruining my life. (i am ruining my life, that is a big how). It is beyond pathetic and in general i feel like a monster who needs to be gotten rid of for being this disgusting and weak, but i am terrified of myself, of my feelings, of reality and im afraid that means im completely hopeless. That is where the FIRST QUESTION comes in. i wish i could explain in a word because no one will understand and no one has reason or time to read even if i could explain myself. im wondering why people "trust the process" as Teal says in one emotion based video? As in, i believe that truth and integrating all parts of yourself in this is the only way to live as a good person, free, im so grateful for Teal's voice hopefully nudging the importance of that truth into our world, but i don't at all trust my ability to do the right thing when faced with my emotions, when faced with reality. At worst, and for a lot of feelings, i fear it will lead me to the knowledge that i am not good enough, it will let me see how bad and wrong i am and how much hurt and badness i have caused and am causing by allowing this monster that i am to exist. Then i have to die. i have ruined my life by ignoring my feelings (starting 10years ago, after previously living by trying to uphold "truth goodness beauty", in psychiatric treatment for an eating disorder the denial started, where recovery=ignoring negative feelings and thoughts and lying to yourself ) and now i spend all my time running from the horrible truth in order to survive. i see other people live, alive, feeling, growing and it amazes me, the beauty and strength in people literally amazes me. If i feel my feelings and see reality the only thing i'll see is that i should be dead. i know other people might use that realisation to transform into a better person who deserves to live but i don't do that so facing reality is essentially suicide to me. Is the entire process based on the assumption that a person is strong and good enough to be able to handle and transform the feelings and truths they are working with? That if they go into a feeling they will survive it? Because i feel 100% incapable of that growth. THE SECOND QUESTION : i have no job or income and in desperation was thinking of trying the completion process by myself (depending on the answer to my first question on feelings) but my parents offered me the last of my mother's money for her hip surgery for reduced cost counselling (75euro altogether) and i was wondering if it would be worth using that for a private session with Teal instead? As in would one session be enough for real change, especially considering that my issues are probably complex and up against much resistance because of how weak and pathetic i am? And finally if it would be worth it, how do i contact Teal about a session? If i think about anything clearly it all says die. Don't post pathetic questions to strangers, don't pretend you can get better, stop holding off the inevitable and fighting the violent hate, just kill yourself already. But the part of me that realises how beautiful and wonderful and amazing life is, how lucky i am to have the parents, partner and life i have, how they deserve better, the part that really does love my partner and my family and would love to be a strong, giving, loving, capable person who is GOOD for all that she loves is the one writing this shit and still looking for a way forward even though it all feels wrong and hopeless. Thank you if you took the time to read this. X x
  6. If is normal(or possible) to fall to hopelessness and stop feeling every then overcome it have it happen again and again?
  7. Cakimali


    Last night i had i believe my first cathartic experience. I knew i was close for days. it's like a growing storm at the edge of your awareness you know you are going to have to face and the clouds are gathering. Two days before the event i went out with some friends to celebrate a friends birthday. We got some beers and went down to the river. There a friend made a joint which i wasn't up for smoking but somehow i changed my mind without them doing more than asking if i wanned to partake. At this point I'd like to say that I'm not a person who hasn't smoked weed b4, in fact there have been month where i was frequent. Weeks leading up to it I was working on working out how i feel and acting how i was feeling but with moderate to little success. But that night i could see how i was disingenuous the better part of my life. I was not speaking my feelings but instead my feelings warped by fears(usually of the audiences reaction and abandonment).I knew i had fear of intimacy but to feel it, and understand it's manifestation on the base level was a frightening and disheartening experience... I managed to get the grasp(a bit) of saying and believing in my feelings but it was no where near the level u would need to function as a human being. I spent the next day trying to understand and running from it by distracting myself with movies. Right before i went to sleep i saw the next teal video came out (The Sacred Directive of Relationships) in which she said to use the contrast to decide what you need and want which i took to heart and realised i wanned more people in my life like one of the friends from the birthday who is a sincere and open person. The next morning a college friend i haven't heard from in months sent me a text to see what's new in my life. After a brief catching up he invited me to his place to hang. After i got to his house we immediately start about spiritual things including emotions. He suggested we get some weed, which i seconded and after that we shared a lot of things from our lives. Later in the evening his GF showed up and we ordered some food. When the food arrived she insisted i sit with them at their table(i wanned to eat at a different table) which i found overwhelming because it was too intimate for me. She reassured me in some way that made me feel accepted and completely at ease with it even as she took some food out of my plate .After the meal we rolled another joint and started talking about our thoughts and ideas. She inquired why didn't i try and find an open and loving someone with whom i could connect, to which i replied in a half joke that there is no reason for such a person to be interested in me. After a while the subject became our childhood, parents and emotions. I started to open more and more, and to look at things and understand them more seriously and told her about my parents, the way they rased me and conditioned me to function. Then she asked me a question: "if your life is a road and that road is one emotion, which emotion would it be?". I started to think and feel very intensely, she asked me is it happiness and automatically everything in me rejected such a notion. And only one thing made sense to me, which i told her: "Pain". . My eyes started to water up as i let myself feel it. A dreadful realisation suddenly filled me: "I am alone, i will forever be alone" (not in a romantic or sexual way, isolated from everyone in the world) . Despair overwhelmed me! Heavy blackness enveloped me... It was soul crushing! And then i heard her say in a loving and accepting voice: "You're not alone, how are you alone? You will find someone". She said it as if she actually believed it!? I couldn't understand it at first, I was confused . Then i allowed myself for a second to feel what she felt... The feeling of hope, of believing that you might not forever be alone broke me completely!! I started to sob uncontrollably seeing a white dot appearing inside all that blackness and starting to grow, getting bigger and so bright and loving. It was the best feeling i ever felt. For a while nothing else existed or mattered. I was with myself unconditionally, my attention undivided. I stayed like that for i don't know how long, and my friend and his girlfriend were having a good time, while i was with myself and i realised that life was continuing . After that i recognized i could feel again and more intensely than ever . I can see i don't react to some things that i did before, more paths in my life opened. I think I finally overcame despair I needed to share this with someone and if you stuck with me to the end thank you.