Your Parents Are Not The Problem (Your Parents Within You Are!) - Teal Swan Articles - Teal Swan Jump to content

Your Parents Are Not The Problem (Your Parents Within You Are!)

A lot of people have the idea that I am against parents.  Even though this isn’t the case, people get this idea because I teach reality.  The reality is that you did not end up like you are for no reason. You are the byproduct of cause and effect.  As much as you may want to believe that you just popped out of the womb the way you are, it isn’t the reality. Even though there are frequencies you opt into as part of your incarnation process, what most psychologists have right is that the vast majority of what creates your personality is in fact adaptation to your social environment growing up.  It is the influence of mom and dad, or whoever your adult caregivers were.

If something goes wrong with a website, you go back to the beginning of how the code was written.  We have to do the same thing to discover how our own faulty programming was installed and what it is causing us to do in our adult lives.  We have to change the pattern that was adopted by us in those formative years and then repeated over and over again. The reality is that even the most well-meaning parents create seriously faulty programming that can and does destroy the lives of their children.  And the reality is, I have shaken hands with probably 5 parents in this lifetime so far who are aware that they have unintentionally done this to their child. Most parents (for refusal to look at that patterning within themselves and for refusal to feel guilt or shame) vehemently defend the programming that is destroying their child’s life.  

My grand vision is for all people; no matter what role they play in each other’s lives, to be able to heal together.  My goal isn’t to turn kids against their parents. It is to break anyone who sits before me, free of his or her patterns.  I wish parents and children would do this together. But when this goes terribly wrong is when a family makes belonging and closeness within the family dependent upon those detrimental patterns being upheld.  

If I had my way, when one person in a family changed a pattern for the better, all other members of the family would do this for themselves and thus create better relationships in the entire family system.  This is the real reason why parents even have specific children in the first place. The greater universe is concerned with the growth and expansion and joy of all beings in existence. This universe always pairs parents with children who hold the key to their self-awareness.  This is a child who is supposed to switch a parent’s patterns to be in alignment with that parent’s actual desires. Parents either realize this and shift or resist that shift and by doing so, turn against their own child.

The reason parents can’t see that their child will make them a match to their actual desires is… ‘Be careful what you wish for’.  If a person wants happiness and is unhappy because of a pattern that is preventing it, they will be given a child who opposes that pattern.  They will think when this is occurring that this child is not what they want. For example, if a mother gives up on her own deep career desires to have a child; she will slip into a pattern of self-sacrifice.  Her child will seem completely self centered and ungrateful to her. Really this child has come to get the mother out of her pattern of self-sacrifice so she will choose to pursue the career purpose she had intended.  If this mother shifts, this child will support that choice in the mother. If she doesn’t, this relationship will deteriorate. It will cause the mother to doubt even having a child because this child did not give the validation and guaranteed love that she thought she would get out of that pattern of self-sacrifice.

The reality is that the number one need for a physical human is closeness with the social group and so; we will keep patterns and defend both them and the programmers who installed those patterns (our parents) to our own demise.  So, whether you want to admit it or not, it doesn’t matter whether or not they intended to do it, your parents and the social conditioning you went through, and the early life experiences you had, were the problem in your life. Accepting this and changing those patterns does not mean you are betraying your parents, unless you are also willing to accept that your parents are right, that by breaking free of damaging patterns and getting happy, you are betraying them.  If so, that is the definition of a terrifying relationship.

Seeing and accepting the reality of your family and changing these patterns you adopted in your family, does not mean you have to end your relationship with them.  Some people, when they gain awareness of a situation choose to separate from the other people involved in that situation; while other people choose to change their relationship with those people for the better.  Unfortunately, it depends on many variables in each situation.

All that being said, I’m going to tell you something today that has the capacity to change the way that you see your life entirely.  After you no longer live with your parents and are no longer under the influence of their direct programming so to speak, the problem is no longer your parents.  It is your parents within you that is the problem. Let me explain.

When we feel hurt by someone in the past and we feel doomed because we can clearly see that a pattern that was installed in us is damaging us instead of assisting us, we tend to feel powerless… and as a result afraid… and as a result, angry at the cause of that pattern.  This is why it is so common for a person to be really, really angry at their parents in one phase during the process of healing. But this eventually leads to more powerlessness and therefore inhibited healing because you cannot change them can you? If they change, it is entirely up to them.  They have free will. Because of this, often it feels like you are healing in spite of them. This all changes when you realize something… Your parents are inside you. It is not your external parents that keep the detrimental pattern alive. It is your parents internalized.

Consciousness itself functions like water.  If you are looking at a river from above, you can see that a large river often branches off into smaller rivers.  Our consciousness fragments. When this happens, our sense of self becomes fragmented. So even though we have one body, within that body, we end up with multiple selves.  The best way to picture this is to imagine that inside your body, you have a collection of Siamese Twins. To understand this completely and in depth, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease.  In this video, I also propose a method that will help you to understand the solution to the information I will provide in the rest of this article.

What most people don’t know is that every child copes with their childhood environment by internalizing their parents.  This means every person has at least one internal Siamese Twin that is their internalized mom and one that is their internalized dad.  This part of themselves is a perfect mirror of their parent. The primary reason a child does this is to establish rapport and therefore closeness with the people upon whom their life depends.  The secondary reason a child does this is to take the control away from the parent so that the relationship (and especially conflict) can take place internally and under the perceived control of the child instead of externally and out of control of the child.  

For example, if a parent has a pattern of humiliating their child, the child will create a personality fragment that mirrors their parent perfectly, that humiliates himself or herself first, before their parent does.  The idea behind this is that if he or she takes over this job, not only do they control the humiliation (and therefore it hurts less), he or she might also be able to do it before the parent has a chance to do it, thus decreasing the rate of humiliation.  But this part, being the now internalized mirror image of the parent exists long after the person leaves home and is no longer in a humiliating environment.  Therefore, this coping mechanism no longer benefits him or her. Instead, it ruins his or her life. He or she is walking around with an internal humiliator.

One of the best examples of this pattern of the internalized parent fragment going horribly wrong for someone, is with self hate.  Self-hate is one of the most dangerous adaptations a person can develop. To understand this in depth, watch my video titled: Self Hate, The Most Dangerous Coping Mechanism.  This has drastic implication for people with parents who gave them away for adoption or whom didn’t want them but kept them. It means one of your internal fragments doesn’t want you and may even be in charge of giving you away.      

Here is a fun little hint.  Fragments within a person’s consciousness function like boxes within a larger box.  Every personality fragment that is created as a mirror to your relationship with Dad, will belong to the bigger fragment that mirrors your Dad.  For example, if your Dad lacks empathy, you may have a part of yourself that lacks empathy. If he is constantly criticizing you, you may have a part that constantly criticizes you from the inside.  If he is a hyper achiever, you may have a part of yourself that is a hyper achiever. These parts, you could either be identified with or you could suppress. All three of these parts (small boxes) actually fit into the larger fragment (larger box within your consciousness) of ‘Dad within me’.  

I can tell you it is WAY harder to change a pattern if you are living with people who reinforce that pattern.  And more than that, it is often vibrationally impossible to be in the same physical location as someone else if you do change a pattern.  For example, it is WAY harder to change a pattern of low self-esteem into self worth if you are living with people who berate you. And if you develop self esteem, the likelihood is that you will not choose to be near people who berate you.  But here is the best news you will ever hear… In order to really change your life for the better, you do not need to resolve your relationship with your parents directly. You don’t need to make your relationship to them better. You don’t need your parents to change.  You don’t even need them to be alive. Your healing has nothing to do with whether they change or don’t. All you need to do is improve the relationship between the internalized fragments that are a reflection of your parents and whatever parts are opposite of those parts of you (the parts they oppose).    

The most ironic thing of all is that it is only doing this that truly changes your relationship with your parents.  Working with the internalized fragment that is your parent is the key to the healing you have really been looking for.  To understand healing completely, I suggest that you watch my video titled: What Is Healing? It is when we change a detrimental internal pattern into its opposite that we see how to change that pattern in the external world.

In a perfect world, we would be programmed only in a way that would benefit us over the course of our lives.  In a perfect world, whenever we realized that something our parents did or didn’t do, programmed us in a way that was detrimental to us, they would immediately change the pattern within themselves that caused them to program us in that way, and immediately shift to provide us with the opposite experience instead.  Alas, we do not live in a perfect world. We live in a world that is constantly expanding and all people are more or less resistant to that expansion. The reality is that most of you who are still telling the story that your childhood was great or at least good by comparison, are avoiding looking at your own faulty programming because of fear.  And that fear is perfectly understandable… even if it is resistance to your own expansion and the progress of the world and human society within that world.

For those of you who see the faulty programming, the reality is, it wasn’t fair what happened to many of you.  It sucks that you faced what you faced in your childhood. It sucks you can’t have your childhood back in a do-over.  And even if you did ‘choose’ it on one super esoteric level, the reality is that no one would have created what you experienced if it was truly their conscious choice.  But you are not doomed because of what you went through. No one is. Your past does not dictate your future because free will is an absolute of your existence. It is possible to break out of the path of determinism with conscious awareness.  It is possible to change these patterns you have been programmed with. To do it, you need to change the pattern within your parents within yourself.


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