As you know, there is a general feeling amongst both men and women that nice guys are out of luck and have to turn mean if they want a woman, because women like assholes. For those of you who don’t know English so well, an asshole is a guy who is unresponsive to the feelings and needs of others. He is intentionally cruel, obnoxious and heartless. It is the masculine equivalent to a bitch.
Women don’t actually like assholes. That’s a myth. Women prefer men who are nice. But I’m going to explain why it seems like women like assholes.
A woman isn’t unattracted to a man because he’s nice. What is actually happening is that she is unattracted to him because he lacks other traits that most women are not only attracted to, but actually need
in order to feel good in a relationship. We could call these ‘masculine traits’. And the guys that are usually labeled ‘nice guys’ by society and that identify with that label, tend to lack these traits. Therefore, due to both attraction to and need for these traits, most women feel ‘forced’ to be with men who have those traits, even if it comes with a side dish of other undesirable character traits. “Nice Guys” tend to be passive, submissive, inactive and retreating. They tend to follow instead of lead, they can be codependent and insecure. They are usually always agreeable to the degree that they lack boundaries and a sense of what is actually good or safe. They tend to feel energetically small and therefore unable to protect and contain a woman.
To the opposite, men who are masculine tend to take the leadership role, they are protective. They have direction in life. They are creative. They are strong. They provide. They have good social skills. They have drive. They are encouraging. They possess charisma and confidence. They have high energy levels. They take positive ownership of the woman in their life. They take action. They provide containment for the feminine. In other words, it has nothing to do with whether a guy is nice. Saying that a woman doesn’t want you because you are nice is a way for men to avoid looking at the actual issue… the traits they are currently not exhibiting that women need in order to feel good. And guess what? A man could actually possess those traits and be a nice guy at the same time and a woman would actually prefer that guy.
So… why would a woman choose an asshole with those traits over a nice guy without them?
Let’s just look at biology first. Keep in mind during this explanation that we are in a physical body and awakening is not about transcending the physical, it is about integrating it. This means what I’m about to share with you is not something that needs to be ‘fixed’ in women. Physically, for women attraction is about matching up with a person who will protect you, produce healthy offspring and provide for you and those offspring. The man is your ticket to survival. No matter how much the modern world has changed things, this is still the truth today for women on a physical level. A vulnerable male, leaves a woman in a position to feel like she has to ‘do it all herself’ or ‘fend for herself’. This means, a male who lacks masculine traits inevitably makes a woman feel like she is all alone… maybe with a friendly sidekick or servant. But it causes her to feel like all the pressure is on her.
Also, for a woman, fear is woven into her biology. It is the baseline experience of her life whether she is consciously aware of it or not. It is something she lives with (like a prey animal) day in and day out. And when women have people that they care about, like a partner and like children, this fear simply grows. If you want to understand more about this, watch my video titled: What Every Man needs To Know About Women. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how nice a guy is if he can’t provide a woman with the feeling that she is ‘contained’, she will feel exposed to the world and therefore like there is nothing between herself and all the various threats in the world.
On top of this, most of the masculine traits such as confidence, are strongly connected to testosterone. Higher testosterone means a woman will be more physically attracted to you, especially when she is ovulating.
At all of the different levels of reality, masculine and feminine is different. It’s a different energy. That energy takes on different expressions and manifestations. And polarities need one another! Masculine energy has the tendency to call feminine energy into its full power and vice versa. It feels good and natural for a woman to be in a state of feminine energy and expression. But when a man lacks masculine qualities, it causes a flip of polarity between men and women. A flip in polarity is to blame for so many relationship issues between men and woman today. A flip in polarity tends to disable a woman from being in her feminine energy when she wants to be.
When a man is trained to be “nice” by his parents or modern society, he is not actually being trained to be nice. That’s a smokescreen. In fact, he’s usually being trained to get rid of his natural power. He’s usually being trained to get rid of his masculinity. When a man begins to act passive, submissive, inactive and retreating, when he makes it a habit to follow instead of lead, becomes codependent or insecure or agreeable to the degree that he lacks boundaries and a sense of what is actually good or safe, he is unable to take positive ownership of a woman. He cannot provide containment. He does not create security. He tends to not be very responsible. Therefore, a woman compensates by becoming masculine. The tissues of her body begin to armor and become like metal instead of be soft and receptive. She becomes stressed because all the pressure goes onto her. She has to take the leadership role. She has to defend herself. She becomes controlling and feels totally exposed to the world. When this polarity is flipped, it’s terrible for both men and woman. But women end up in pain physically, mentally and emotionally.
I’ve been talking a lot about the fact that if a man lacks certain masculine traits, he is unable to contain and positively own a woman. A woman actually wants to feel owned. She just doesn’t want to feel controlled. But as far as an asshole is concerned, many women would rather choose to feel owned and controlled over feeling like she has to fend for herself but is free. Not many women like the idea of being “stray”. To truly own something is to see it as part of yourself. If you see something as part of yourself, it becomes impossible to hurt that thing without hurting yourself. You cannot usurp its free will without harming yourself. Therefore, in true ownership, which is for something to be a part of you and therefore to belong to you, the best interests of that other thing is of the utmost concern. This makes a woman feel safe and secure. To understand more about this, you can watch my video titled: Own people! (How to Take Ownership of Your Relationships)!
Containment is not a limitation. It is a safe space in which something can exist or occur. When it comes to containment, the best way to think of this is like a clam shell and a pearl. The pearl feels safe when it is contained in a clam shell. The masculine serves as that clam shell that enables a woman to be soft, open and receptive. Imagine removing that protective shell… the woman would immediately contract, go rigid and into a state of defense. It is a coping mechanism rather than a natural feel-good state of being. Very few women can live in this state. Which is why they would choose an asshole who can provide ownership and containment over a nice guy who can’t. The ones who do it, tend to turn angry, resentful, chronically stressed and bitter. And those who choose to be in the flipped polarity role in relationships, usually have significant trauma around being controlled (especially by a man), which is why they swung the pendulum to the opposite extreme.
Our subconscious definition of love comes from our childhood home. This means, for some women who had assholes for daddies, they are wired to feel more loved in an environment with an asshole. What’s more than that, we all have unresolved trauma and we keep seeking out situations that mirror that unresolved trauma so as to resolve it. This means that if a girl had an asshole for a daddy and deep down she always wanted to ‘reform him’ and feel loved by him and win him over, she will subconsciously find a man who behaves like him (also an asshole) in the subconscious hope that if he is reformed and if she is able to win him over and if he does become loving, she has just healed her daddy wound. This attraction stuff is quite complicated. So, if you want to understand more about this, watch two of my videos, titled: Why You Keep Attracting the ‘Wrong’ Person in Relationships. And Attraction (Why You’re Attracted to The People You’re Attracted To).
There is a dynamic in some women (especially those with low self-esteem) where an asshole who is aloof and un-committal, triggers her feeling of not being good enough. This automatically puts her into the position of desperately wanting to be good enough. She then begins to ‘chase’ the man, trying to get him to want her and to commit to her. There is an element of challenge in winning a guy over. But the challenge isn’t the real reason women do it. They do it because they are desperate for the self-esteem and confidence that comes as a result of it being confirmed that they are not only good enough, but wanted and special. Suddenly, it feels like if the guy who is acting like you are not good enough doesn’t decide he wants you; you really aren’t good enough. And if a man who is an asshole will morph into an affectionate, good man and a good dad for you and you alone, it makes a woman feel even better about herself. This dynamic only appeals to women who have low self-esteem, are thrill seeking (which is extremely rare) or who themselves have commitment issues. If you are a woman who desperately needs to feel special (especially if that need comes from a childhood wound) you’re at high risk for falling into this dynamic. Again, this adult life dynamic is ultimately created by early childhood dynamics.
Some women adapted in their life by becoming codependent. One of the sadder dynamics of codependency is that a person has so much shame that they believe they aren’t good enough to be with someone who is functional and desirable and good. Therefore, they get into relationships with dysfunctional individuals and place themselves in the “fixer” role. In this position, they can focus on the dysfunction of their partner rather than their own. Also, they can always be in the position of the good guy by comparison and thus avoid their own shame. Some women choose assholes so that they can “fix” them. Or “love them anyway” because it makes them the saint and therefore, feel good about themselves by comparison. It also serves as an externalized way of fixing and loving the part of themselves that they feel is unlovable.
A lot of women find assholes to be more honest and straightforward. There is a lot of talk in the female world that nice guys only complain about women liking assholes because they are mad that being friendly doesn’t get them laid… meaning that nice guys might just be every bit as much of an asshole, but a manipulative, covert one. Many women see it as an act. A way of bribing her to give him what he wants. And to be totally honest, there are definitely some dangerous, sociopathic men who will use this tactic and then pull a bait and switch. And women who have experienced it, have spread the warning around.
So there you have it. Female behavior is not simply irrational. There are legitimate reasons for it. But the key to a woman’s heart and even the way into her panties is not about becoming a jerk.