Security is the primary concern in a relationship. In this context, let’s define relationship security as feeling safe, certain and confident about each other and about the bond between you. Having this security brings about a natural state of ease, relaxation and wellbeing. If you look out at the world, you will notice that each and every society has concrete ideas about what creates security in a relationship and what destroys it. So, what you get in any society is a one size fits all mentality and model of relationship security. The thing is, relationships don’t fit inside a box like this any more than individual people do. Relationship security is something that can and should be customized to the specific people in that relationship. Being conscious and intentional enough to customize relationship security in this way, makes all the difference in your relationships and at the same time, it has the potential to break society free from its tendency towards rigidity. Let’s unpack the concept of customizing relationship security so that you can start customizing it in your relationships.
Contrary to what many people think, relationship security is not something that is just there (and should just be there) the minute you commit to having a relationship. It also isn’t something that you build, and then it is just there. Relationship security is something that you are consistently doing and consistently building and re-establishing every day in your relationship over the duration of the entire relationship. Every interaction, every conversation, every situation and each little moment that you experience with the other person is an opportunity to either establish and build security or destroy security. Metaphorically speaking, to put money in the security bank. Or take money out of it. If you want to learn more about this, you can watch my video titled: The Biggest Mistake People Make About Relationship Security.
When something that a person in a relationship does or does not do, creates a fear, poses a threat, invites the unwanted or creates danger for the other person (or for the relationship itself) on a physical, emotional or mental level, some degree of security is lost in the relationship. And guess what, it doesn’t matter whether that threat or danger is or is not real. The reality is that you lose security in a relationship according to each person’s unique, individual perception.
This awareness of how much relationship security is down to individual perception does not let you off the hook. A lot of people love to do seriously objectively destructive things in a relationship and put the blame of insecurity on the other person’s “perception” of insecurity. At the same time, we must also be aware that there are all kinds of factors that influence a person’s perception of relationship security or lack thereof. Things like personal experiences and beliefs and societal indoctrination.
But let’s talk about the relationship security box. This rigid ideology that many people have relative to relationships. When people are operating within a one - size fits all relationship box, they will see certain things as a given. Such as: It is a given that if a man is in a relationship and he looks at other women, he is making his relationship insecure. Or, if a woman is monitoring her friend’s whereabouts with a tracker, she is making her friendship insecure. Or if a woman gives her husband negative feedback, she is making her marriage insecure. Or if a person engages in a sexual relationship with more than one person, they are destroying their relationship.
It is entirely possible that a man may be in a relationship with a woman who likes pointing out and looking at other beautiful women and sharing in that zesty appreciation together. She may not mind him looking at other women and may only feel insecurity set in if he wants to act on his physical attraction to another woman. It is entirely possible that a woman may have a friend who was so neglected as a child that for this friend to know that she knows her whereabouts at all times and that she is being tracked, may make the friend feel even more secure in the relationship. Even more protected and valued. It is entirely possible that a man may appreciate negative feedback in a relationship because he is deeply personally committed to personal growth and hates guessing where a woman is relative to him and hates guessing how she feels. He feels more secure when a woman is “putting it to him” in an honest and raw way. It is entirely possible that a couple may actually have a sexuality that revolves around engaging in sex with different partners. And doing so, enhances the relationship and cements their compatibility.
In certain parts of the globe, being in love with someone is seen as being an oppositional force to security in a marriage. In other places, if a woman does not wear a covering over her hair, she is foregoing both protection and modesty and her level of faithfulness in a relationship is to be doubted. All things which can cause a man to feel that they have no shared future together. In other places, the practice of “wife sharing” (which is where a man invites another man into his bed to sleep with his wife) is thought to deepen friendship between the men and prevent promiscuity and jealousy in both sexes. In certain parts of the globe, blunt insult honesty is seen to strengthen relationships. In other parts of the globe, lying to someone in order to be polite is seen to strengthen relationships. In some parts of the globe, couples feel secure when they spend the majority of every day away from each other and only spend quality time together when it is intentional, such as going on dates. In other parts of the globe, you get into a relationship to spend your life together, so leading separate lives like this, defeats the point of being in a partnership. For one person, sleeping in a separate bed from their partner may create insecurity. For another, it may not. For one person, wearing wedding rings may be essential for security. For another, it may not really matter. You get the point.
What is important is to throw out the rigid model of relationship security. Start questioning your pre-conceived ideas about relationship security. And custom design relationship security in your relationships in a way that suits you and the other person in that relationship. This is yet another reason why compatibility is so crucial in a relationship. When incompatibility exists, it is a real problem for security in a relationship. I’ll give you one simple example to illustrate this. Imagine that you wanted a feeling of exclusivity in a romantic relationship and you want a physically faithful partner. For you, your partner being flirty and physically affectionate with other people makes you feel threatened and alone. It is the opposite of what you want. Getting into a relationship with an exotic dancer, would be incompatible. There would be daily withdrawals from the relationship security bank account. Or for example, if relationship security includes your partner maintaining your privacy, being with a person whose relationship security is about openness, is going to be a real problem. If you get into a relationship with someone incompatible, the amount of effort you will have to put towards trying to create security in the relationship will be like trying to build a sand castle in the rising tide. It will quite literally be impossible to keep up. If you want to understand more about this, you can watch my video titled: Incompatibility, a Harsh Reality in Relationships.
To give you an example of a couple that has custom designed their unique formula for relationship security, let’s look at Trevor and Milly. In this relationship, Trevor is the one that earns the money in the relationship. He fully provides for Milly. Trevor likes feeling fully in the masculine in terms of providorship. It causes his confidence to increase and his sense of having a place in her life to be more solid. And without this pressure, Milly is more affectionate and loving towards him. She also respects him more and he meets her lifestyle needs, which causes her to value him more. This decision enhances their sense of relationship security. Milly and Trevor have their own bedroom. They only share a room when they have sex. Both of them feel that having this autonomy causes their attraction to each other to be more intense as well as causes them both to feel like they don’t have to tip toe around each other or conform to each other’s incompatible rhythms. Trevor likes to work sometimes until 3:oo am. Milly likes to sleep at 9:00pm and wake early. And they have totally different styles. Her room is floral. His is leather and chrome. This too, enhances their feeling of security in the relationship.
Milly used to involve her mother in every single thing, five or more times a day. This was not enhancing the relationship security because Trevor felt he was married to and had to please two women, not just one. Milly decided to enhance their relationship security by not requiring Trevor to cater to her mother, except for on her mother’s birthday and Christmas. This agreement didn’t feel like a sacrifice for either, so it enhanced their sense of security. Trevor met Milly at a kink festival. Milly is a submissive and Trevor is a dom. They attend play parties together where Trevor intentionally watches other men sexually engage with Milly. Both of them describe this being an experience that makes them feel more bonded and more attracted to each other. Something that would destroy other couple’s sense of security, actually enhances theirs. Milly wears a submissive’s necklace. Wearing this necklace makes both of them feel more secure in their bond. Milly is insecure about being lovable and needs lots of reassurance. So, Trevor makes it a point to consistently reassure her and shower her with words of affirmation throughout the day. This has a real effect, so it enhances their security. Trevor does not do well with criticism. It was an issue in their relationship at first. But Milly needs to be able to voice her distress so that Trevor can make adjustments. So, they have come up with a solution. When Milly needs to give Trevor negative feedback, she writes him a text message rather than confronting him about it verbally. He gets to process it and deal with any shame that arises away from her. And then, come to her with constructive solutions to the distress she is expressing. This way of dealing with conflict between them, enhances the security in their relationship. They both love basketball. So, they make it a point to go to every basketball game of the NBA season. Sharing this obsession makes them feel bonded. It enhances the security in their relationship.
But now, let’s look at Benham and Raahini. They both have careers that they adore. They have decided that putting all of their money into a joint account and building it up to invest in things together creates a sense of togetherness in wealth building, which creates security in their relationship. Both of them believe that fidelity is critical to their security in their relationship. And so, the rule they have come up with is that neither of them does anything to arouse insecurity in each other with a person of the opposite sex. For them, this means no flirting, no touching, no kissing, no sex outside the relationship. They expect each other to end relationships where this is even a remote threat. Benham needs Raahini to put lots of energy into his family of origin. She is ok with this because it is a cultural expectation that she can sign up for, especially because it creates a sense of belonging for her and means so much to Benham that it does strengthen his commitment to her. Raahini needs to be allowed to go out once a week with her female friends. For her, this fuels her and makes her feel freer. Benham used to be threatened by this. But he said that what would make him feel more secure is getting to know the other women. Raahini obliged him and slowly, he got to know them and now, he likes to enable them to have a good time. Last time Raahini had a girl’s night out, he found out where they had gone to dinner and bribed the bar tender to bring them drinks on the house. This enhanced Raahini’s bond to him. She found it extra thoughtful. But they both agree that every other day of the week, they need to spend the evening together, otherwise they would start to feel disconnected and their sense of security would suffer. Raahini and Benham like to argue. They were both never allowed to argue with their parents as kids and so it feels freeing that they can yell and argue with each other. It enhances their feelings of intimacy and acceptance. In this way, what may destroy another couple’s security, actually enhances theirs. They sleep in the same bed every night. For them, cuddling is a bonding experience and sleeping separately is emotionally threatening to security. One way they show their love to each other is by enabling each other’s need for novelty. They both have a bucket list of things they want to try. They make it a point to help each other to experience those things on each other’s list. Raahini is a excellent cook. When she cooks for Benham, especially when she sends him to work with a lunch, it makes them feel more secure in the relationship. He feels nourished and loved by her and she feels received and appreciated. They are religious about wearing their wedding rings 24-7 and are very superstitious about other couples taking them off or losing their rings. This is a big point of security in the relationship.
You may have cringed listening to these examples because contrary to Trevor and Milly or Benham and Raahini, certain elements of that relationship may make you die of insecurity. That is how to know that those specific elements may not be a picture of your personal relationship security formula. What is important to know, is that it is not a given that X creates insecurity in a relationship and X creates security. It really depends on each individual. It isn’t wrong for a person or for two people to decide to stretch themselves regarding security in a relatioship. This can be a key component to growth. But what matters is that if you do this, both people actually (not codependently) want to do this. If not, it will backfire. One common example of this is, if a couple wants to open the relationship. Relationship security depends on trouble shooting the insecurities that exist in a relationship and custom designing your relationship together in order to create real security. Security that can be depended on.
