I don’t even need to bombard you with the cultural sayings or stories; you already know that there is a rift in understanding between the sexes. This rift must be bridged for woman and men to have healthy relationships. Therefore, seeing as how I already did a video on what men need to know about women, I am now going to tell you what woman need to understand about men.
What women don’t currently know about men is that men need to feel needed, wanted and useful. As a woman, you have got to make space in your life for a man to fulfill a purpose in your life and to have a place in your life. This is in fact what makes a man feel connected and committed to you. Now I’m going to break down this concept for you.
The women’s rights movement undeniably benefitted women in many ways. If you could go back and watch men and women in society before the 1960s you’d understand exactly what I mean. However, whenever there is a movement of rebellion, the pendulum tends to swing to the opposite extreme and thereby ends up doing as much damage as it did good. This is what happened with the women’s rights movement and the changes in attitude relative to the sexes that it spearheaded. Because of the pain women experienced at the hands of men, whether they could recognize it in themselves or not, the reality was that there was hatred of men embedded in the movement. This created a bizarre energy to the movement that publicly professed to seek equality between the sexes but that in fact sought to turn the tables on men. The shadow of the women’s right’s movement was the eradication of masculinity. And I assure you; its ripple effects are still playing out today.
Though they may at face value seem empowering to someone who has been in a state of powerlessness, sayings like “Women can do everything men can do.” “Women are doing it for themselves.” “Don’t be a woman that needs a man, be the kind of woman that a man needs”. “ If you want something said, ask a man, if you want something done, ask a woman.” “Whatever women do, they must do twice as good as a man does to be seen as half as good, luckily this isn’t difficult”… They are insanely destructive and they are also not true. This universe is not redundant. There are things men can do that women cannot and there are things that women can do that men cannot. To generalize, our areas of excellence are different. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: People Are Not All Equal. That scares the crap out of us because it feels like any form of dependency automatically puts us at their mercy. If you want to look at it this way, men are at the mercy of women to the same degree that women are at the mercy of men. But here’s the thing that women have to swallow, if women approach men or the sexes with this attitude, they are shooting themselves in the foot.
Women tend to see men as narcissists and they tend to think that this narcissism implies that men are independent. Men are not independent. They need connection and the social group, just like women do. They thrive when they fit into a social group in a symbiotic way. They need to feel useful and therefore needed and therefore wanted. In fact, their self-esteem is primarily about this. And men love to take responsibility where it serves their self-esteem to do so. Men subconsciously define their worth based on the reflection they get about what they do for others. The message that women are giving to men now a day is the exact opposite of this. Women mistake a man having a real place and purpose in their lives as a slippery slope onto powerless dependence. Women mistake a man opening doors for them as an insult about their capability. Women mistake male leadership for control. And because of this, instead of making space for a man in their lives, women continually remind them that they are not needed. This becomes a serious mixed message and puts men in a total lose-lose because women don’t let a man make a move to be useful and have a place and purpose in their lives, but then when they become passive as a result, women feel absolutely no attraction to him and don’t respect him at all. He becomes like another child that a woman has to take care of and manage.
When men get put into this lose-lose position, they become rebellious. They do this by ‘stepping out of the picture’ and ‘checking out’. With their non action, they are essentially saying “OK… do everything yourself then and see how well it goes for you.” Potentially the best example of this behavior can be seen by the character Richard in the movie Blue Lagoon. It is this dynamic that has led to the ‘burnout’ that women experience today. In the post-feminist era, they now have to do and be all things to all people. This was never how it was supposed to be within the human species. Many women today are questioning what the point of men really is. And when women begin to take on this attitude, they become the ones that begin to objectify men. This is a terrifying form of turning the tables.
One thing that women need to get is that a man doesn’t want to be needed and used for something that he does not excel at any more than you do. He needs to be good, wanted, needed and useful for what he actually is. Intimacy phobia is a genuine problem that acts like a mask over authenticity. But women who are labeled as “needy” by their male partners or who experience resistance from their male partners when they state their needs are often experiencing this because they are not selecting compatible partners. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Compatibility, A Harsh Reality In Relationships. I’m going to take the risk of using an object in this upcoming metaphor to make this concept make sense. Though you will see traits that are inherent to the masculine polarity (and are therefore present within all men to different degrees) all men are still different, kind of like cars. If you are a family oriented woman, buying a two-seater sports car is a bad idea. And for some men, demanding that the way they would be needed and valued by you is if they could be a certain way, is no different than telling a sports car that it needs to become a mini van and will only be valued if it does this. When incompatibility exists, women tend to avoid facing it and instead try to criticize a man into changing.
So what does a woman need to do in order to accommodate for this reality of men?
Let a man be in his masculine energy. In fact, encourage it. A man that is fully in his masculine energy is not a threat to you; he is your greatest advocate. To understand more about masculinity, watch my video titled: The Divine Masculine.
Make space in your life for a man. A man has to serve a purpose for you and in your life. This doesn’t mean boss him around. This means open up room in areas of your life for him to step up and take the lead. For example, let him open doors for you. Let him open lids on jars that are hard to open. Let him step in and protect you. Let him fix that problem you’re struggling with. Let him put his jacket around you if you’re cold. Let him pay for the movie. Together, clearly define the difference between his role and your role in the household. Something that native tribes and the old world understood that the modern world doesn’t is that there is a measure of health in gender roles as long as those roles are something a person is choosing and agreeing to with their free will.
If the energy you give off or the things you say run along the lines of “I got it cause I’m an independent woman”, there is an impenetrable wall around you and your life. There is no role for him to fill. This is not inviting. Men will gravitate away from this and the only men who will feel like getting anywhere near you are going to fall into two categories. The first category is men who have been traumatized into needing a mommy so your hyper responsibility is attractive because they want to be taken care of and told what to do. The second category is men who because of early life trauma feed on the challenge of taming a wild horse. These men love to take a woman who thinks she’s in power and beat her into submission either mentally, emotionally, physically or all three.
Be very careful with criticism, nagging and manipulation. What men hear when they are chronically criticized is: You’re a failure at the role I need you fulfill in my life. They also need to know specifically what you want instead of what they are doing, not just get the message that they aren’t doing something right. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Criticism (How To Give and Take Feedback). And remember that if it feels like you’re constantly criticizing a man in your life and constantly nagging, you may just be ignoring compatibility and trying to turn a sports car into a mini van.
Women tend to manipulate in order to get their needs met as well. When this is the case, you aren’t opening up space for a man to meet your needs. You’re forcing it to happen in ways that will destroy your relationship. To the opposite, if you want a good relationship, giving positive feedback for a man’s importance in your life and for the needs and role they are doing a great job fulfilling goes a long way.
- Men are incredibly straightforward compared to women. Women are trained to not be. Women are trained to manipulate through passive aggression and drop hints and cues and never assert their needs. They are trained that anything else makes them a bitch. But the thing is, men do not understand this behavior and even though they can practice attunement, they are unlikely to read your mind. So be straightforward with men. If you need attention, don’t drop hints; simply tell them you need some attention. If you want a better experience in bed, show him what you’d like him to do, don’t just fake an orgasm so it will all be over. If you don’t like something, don’t get passive aggressive. Tell him exactly what you didn’t like and why and specifically what you want instead. You do not know what a relief it is to men when women are straightforward and direct.
Consider that the reality is that even though there are some traumatized men who are sexist, the majority of men are not trying to control you or imply that you are not capable. They are saying “I want to be connected to you, I need to be connected just as much as you do. In order to feel that way, I need to fill a role in your life; a role that holds purpose so that I can clearly tell that you need me and thus want me here in your life.” And if you want a healthy relationship with a man, you would do best to choose a man who is compatible in that what he naturally does and who he naturally is, does fill a very important role in your life and a needed one. From there, you would do well to think and speak and act in a way that suggests that this is the case.