It isn’t very popular to talk about why people cheat. Suggesting that a person has a reason to do it, makes people feel like the blame is shifting from the person who cheated, to the person who was cheated on. Never the less, for the sake of conscious awareness, it is important to accept that people do have reasons for doing the things that they do. And this includes cheating. While there are a variety of reasons why a person might cheat on their partner, there is one glaring primary reason that men cheat. And there is one glaring primary reason why women cheat. And the reason isn’t the same.
The main reason that men cheat is: Insecurity. It happens when a man is experiencing low self-esteem and a diminished sense of self-worth, especially within the context of his current relationship. Men use cheating as a way to seek validation of their worth and in order to feel more needed, valuable and desirable. When a man feels inadequate or fears he's not living up to his partner's expectations, cheating can be a way he experiences someone appreciating and admiring him.
Men are particularly sensitive to being pushed away. When a person is pushed away, they usually take it personally. And when a person takes being pushed away personally, they feel bad about themselves. They feel inadequate and therefore uncertain about everything. For example, uncertain about their own abilities and competence, uncertain about their capacity to handle situations, uncertain about their own value, uncertain about their relationships and therefore totally insecure in those relationships, uncertain about their future etc. They feel out of control. Their confidence goes away. They feel diminished. This is a horrible experience for anyone. For the masculine, it is a true hell on earth. It disconnects them from a sense of their own power. So, a man may seek out another person (such as another woman) as a way of gaining control of this insecurity spiral. With the other person, they experience the validation that they have value. That they are desirable, attractive, adequate, capable, competent, admired, wanted and needed. All of this increases their confidence and sense of power. Men who cheat as a tonic for their insecurity will choose to cheat with other people (like other women) who best provide this emotional experience for them. A person who pulls them in and makes them feel good about themselves.
When you hear this about men, it is tempting to feel like you have to tip toe around his ego or else you will be cheated on. That is not the takeaway. A man can take negative feedback, provided that he also feels the opposite of that negative feedback in the relationship. Essentially that you pull him in, value him, want him, need him and appreciate him.
What people (especially women) really need to accept about men is that men need to feel needed, wanted and valued for who they are and what they do. They need to have a place in your life and to derive a sense of self-esteem from being in that place. Something that leads to that sense of self-esteem is to actually be esteemed by you for being in that place in your life. When you are in a relationship with a man, you have got to make space in your life for him to have a place in your life. He needs to be pulled in by you. He needs to feel as if you need him, want him and value him. This makes a man feel connected and committed to you. If you want to learn more about this, you can watch my video titled: What Every Woman Should Know About Men.
Some examples of things that are antidotes to insecurity for a man are: Giving him direct positive feedback, fully taking in and receiving his physical affection, fully taking in and receiving what he gives to you or does for you, showing with your reactions to him and body language that what he is doing has a positive effect on you, flirting with him, accepting his help, reflecting to him what his role in your life is and how much you value what he does for you in this role, complimenting him in front of others, asking for his opinion, listening to his feelings and thoughts with the attitude that you see them as important, encouraging his being in power rather than turning against it, giving him admiration for his masculine traits, trusting him in his methods or ways (if he is trustworthy), acknowledging and drawing attention to his areas of competence, respecting his time, telling him where you are confident in him etc.
As a man, when you are feeling the impulse to cheat based on feeling insecurity, stop and realize that what you are going for is self-esteem via the other person. Think about the fact that even though cheating with someone may give you some of those feelings you are needing, they come at the price of self-esteem as well. Can you truly feel good about yourself if you betray someone and by doing so, lose trust and respect in yourself and see yourself as bad and wrong and hurtful and immoral? Because if you have agreed to a monogamous relationship and you cheat, this is how you are going to feel about yourself. The alternative is to work directly on your insecurities and self-esteem so that you become confident and have a higher self-esteem. The alternative is also to directly address the issues in your relationship, including the fact that in the relationship, you feel so unloved and/or rejected, and/or undervalued, and/or unwanted, and/or not respected and/or emasculated by her and/or potentially even worthless in her eyes. What you are looking for is to co-create a relationship where you feel esteemed in the relationship. Some of this involves you doing what would get you that esteem from your partner (earning their high regard). And some of this involves them actively and consciously speaking and acting in ways that show you that they do hold you in high esteem. That they do want and need and value you.
If fidelity is something you want, one way to be empowered about it (rather than just leaving it up to the other person to be faithful no matter what) is making sure the man in your life knows and feels that you need, want and value him. For this reason, a powerful question to ask yourself is: How could I show him that he is needed by me, wanted by me and that he is valued by me? And act on the answer you receive.
