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The Hidden Truth About Sexuality

Most people assume that sexuality is just one part of life… Albeit a part that is a bigger or smaller part of someone’s life depending on the level of importance they place on it. But this is not the truth about sexuality. Sexuality plays a much, much bigger role in the picture of someone’s life and a much, much bigger role in the picture of compatibility in relationships than most people have any idea of. Sexuality paints a much bigger picture than the act of sex in and of itself. Today, I’m going to reveal the deeper truth about sexuality and explain why, given that truth, sexuality is one of the most important elements of life and relationships. 

Sexuality is what creates life. At its very core essence, sexuality is a root creative and manifestational force. And it does not matter how aware or unaware you are of it. It should not come as a surprise then that your sexuality and your deepest desires (especially the ones you had to deny, suppress and disown) are linked. And I’m not just talking about desires in the bedroom. I’m talking about desires for your life experience. Especially the ones you aren’t consciously admitting to. No matter how subconscious your desires may be, they are still connected to your sexuality. Indeed, they play a major role in shaping your sexuality. Beneath every person’s sexuality is a life experience or many that shaped that person’s desires and needs and those desires and needs reflect in their sexuality.  

Many people think that sexual incompatibility is a small item of incompatibility that can easily be worked on and improved in a relationship. But in reality, incompatible sexuality is one of the hardest things to work on and improve in a relationship. Not because it is hard to improve things regarding the act of sex itself. But because incompatible sexuality points to deeper oppositional desires and needs between two people. And these incompatibilities (which incompatible sexuality will point to) will not just limit themselves to the bedroom. They will ripple out across so many other aspects of a person’s life and their relationships. Most people simply don’t do the consciousness work necessary to decode their own sexuality, and what it means about their deep needs and desires for life and relationships.  

So that you can understand this better, I’m going to give you a couple of examples. Simon is in a relationship with Allie. They really care about each other and make a good team. But the sex was never great. Simon feels like Allie is never really there with him, embodied and emotionally connected when they have sex. Allie feels like Simon is not initiative and dominant enough. They consistently cause each other displeasure, especially on an emotional level when they engage in sex. But let’s take you back into their childhoods. Back to the origin of each of their sexualities. When Simon was young, he lived with his mentally ill mother, who was always in her own reality. He was bitterly alone in life, despite the fact that he lived in a safe society where all basic needs were covered. This created the strong desire to merge with someone on a physical, emotional and spiritual level. One day, while looking through a text book, he stumbled across the medical image of a penis inside of a vagina. And he immediately became captivated and aroused. Though he was not consciously aware of it at the time, this image held the promise of merging with someone. And his budding sexuality naturally evolved from there. Simon is intensely focused on having just one person who is his match and whom he can merge with. He likes to spend hours just feeling every sensation of being physically close to that person. He loves deep eye contact. He wants to orgasm together. He doesn’t want to talk, especially during sex. Instead, he wants to feel so merged, that the connection between him and the other person is telepathic. He wants to feel like his body and soul and the other person’s is one. This sexuality reflects out into his life in ways that no one would at face value think were linked to sexuality at all. In his life, he adores privacy because this increases the sense of specialness and connection that only he and this other person share. He is an exclusive person, who has a high need for exclusivity as well. He fails to communicate because having to communicate, makes him feel separate from the other person. He wants to make every decision together and share responsibility with the other person because that makes him feel a greater sense of togetherness. 

Allie on the other hand was also very alone as a child. Her father was disengaged and failed to protect her from her mother, who took a disliking to her. Unlike Simon, she lived in a very unsafe situation where basic needs were a struggle. This created a very strong desire for caretaking and containment. One day, while watching a tv show, she became enamored with the relationship between a dinosaur and its owner. Though she was not consciously aware of it at the time, this image held the promise of being positively owned and contained by someone who would fend for her and take care of her best interests, like her father never did. And her budding sexuality evolved from there. Allie loves power play when it comes to sex. She loves to feel like a man’s cherished pet. She likes to fantasize about being an animal, who is being bred and has no say in the matter. She wants to be able to let go completely and let the other person take the lead and take responsibility for her. What’s more, Allie responds to any signs of ownership, regardless of what man that ownership is coming from or if she is in a relationship or not. And she dislikes anything during sex that reminds her of herself.  This sexuality reflects out into her life in ways that no one would at face value think were linked to sexuality at all. In her life, Allie is not an exclusive person at all. In fact, she subconsciously operates with the motto the more people the better, because the lower likelihood she will ever have to fend for herself. Because of this, she makes sure multiple people live with her. She is flirtatious and super open. She loves talking for hours on end. She puts tons of effort into her appearance, so as to increase her odds of being wanted and therefore kept by someone. She commits to sexual monogamy not because it is natural for her. But only because it tends to be the condition upon which a man will take responsibility for her as his. Her best-case scenario is to be shared by multiple men. She stops driving her car once she gets into a relationship because autonomy often makes her feel like she is fending for herself. Her best relationship is with her personal assistant because her personal assistant is constantly taking care of her needs. 

Because of this baseline incompatibility, their sex life is not the only thing that isn’t satisfying. Simon is constantly feeling insecure and like he can never have the closeness he wants with her and like he is always in competition with other people, including her assistant and other men. Allie is constantly feeling like her nature isn’t ok and like she is being isolated and like she carries too much pressure because Simon wants to do everything in life (including handle responsibilities) together, rather than taking care of her by taking responsibilities off of her. On a subconscious level, they are always pulling in opposite directions. The creative, manifestational force of their sexuality is manifesting against each other. No amount of counseling to help them improve the practicalities of their sex life is going to fix this issue that is made so obvious by none other than their sexual incompatibility. At the very most, they can hope for taking turns accommodating each other; which may pull them into the land of compromise. To understand more about this, you can watch my video titled: The Difference Between Compromise and Workability.

Nick and Tanner used to think they had a super compatible sexuality. In fact, they used to think they were compatible all around. But lately, things haven’t been going so well and neither of them can figure out why. Nick feels increasingly frustrated and angry and has been wanting to take it out on Tanner during intercourse. He feels guilty afterwards and withdraws. Tanner feels like too much of his time is spent operating within the confines of Nick’s various comfort zones in order to keep the relationship secure. If we go way back, we find that Nick was born into a family with a sister that was terminally ill. The entire family revolved around this sister that was sick. Nick was never considered important enough to be the main focus or to receive any support, because that support always had somewhere or someone “more important” to go to. Nick feels like he can’t function or feel calm and secure without sex every day. When he sits down to really explore what it is specifically about sex that he needs, he realizes that through sex, he is able to put the other person, in this case Tanner, in the position to have to focus on him. He becomes the most important thing in the room. He admits that when he is engaging in intercourse, he doesn’t really care about the other person’s pleasure. He likes it to be all about him and his pleasure. Because he had to suppress his need for importance in his life, it comes out in a strong way regarding his sexuality. Including the fact that he loves to dominate in bed, and tell his partner what to do to pleasure him. He has found a set and setting where he gets to demand their full attention. Tanner is actually fine with this. He likes being dominated. Which is why everything went so well in the beginning. The problems started to arise regarding Tanner’s sexuality. 

Tanner is an artist with a natural curiosity. He is full of zest for life experiences and personal expression. But he was not allowed to express himself growing up. His authenticity was squashed under a very strict regime imposed by both his parents and his society. He was not allowed to explore who he really was and what he really liked an didn’t. There was no freedom. There was one thing to be and one way to act and he was expected to abandon his authenticity and conform to what was expected of him. So far, Tanner has done this in adult relationships too. He has conformed to whatever would please the other person so as to establish security in the relationship, only to try to push the envelope from there. But due to his nature and life experiences, Tanner’s true sexuality is one of extreme experimentation. He wants to try everything and to have a partner that is on board with that wild experimentation. The list is endless. He wants to try every form of bondage, food sex, touchless orgasm, tantra for spiritual awakening, swinging, orgies, public sex, cuckolding and the list goes on and on and on. Lately, Tanner has been pressing Nick to try swinging. And suddenly, there was a huge clash. Nick doesn’t feel he can get his need met to be the focus and most important thing when Tanner has an interest to be with anyone but him sexually. And the fact that Tanner feels this way, makes him really, really angry.             

This is not just a problem in the bedroom. Imbedded in each of their sexualities, is their deepest root desires for life and relationships. Tanner does not want his life to revolve around the person he is with. He wants to be free to experience whatever he finds to be most captivating at any given time. He wants to jump on opportunities. He is often distracted with whatever interests him in any given moment, and has not made Nick the most important thing. This triggers the hell out of Nick, who is too unconscious of his true needs and too afraid to admit that what he really wants is to have a partner that makes him the center of their life and the most important thing and prioritizes him and supports his endeavors. And Tanner feels limited by Nick. He feels like to keep the relationship good; he has to dedicate himself to Nick’s needs. Every time Tanner prioritizes something other than being with Nick, Nick becomes passive aggressive and pushes Tanner away. Tanner is sick of feeling like instead of being a partner who will explore the world’s many wonders with him, Nick is constantly pulling him into being some version of an “always available, doting househusband”. 

Hopefully what these examples highlight for you is how a person’s sexuality is shaped in large part by their early life experiences… The very same thing that shapes personality and needs and desires and therefore a person’s personal expansion path. And how contrary to popular opinion, a person’s sexuality is not limited to the bedroom or even relationships. It bleeds out into the rest of their lives. Sexuality is the realm of a person’s deepest core desires in life. Your sexuality remains connected to it, even if you actively try to deny, suppress and oppose it. Sexuality never lies.

For people to really de-code their own sexuality, they have to become super conscious about what causes them to feel turned on and aroused and most especially, WHY. This exploration must especially include the emotional elements involved. They have to ask themselves, what is it about this that I like? And really dig deeper and deeper to unpack it. For example, a person may know that what gets them aroused is pissplay, meaning that they are excited or turned on by the thought, sight, taste or feel of urine. When they slow everything down to dissect the why behind liking the experience, they might notice that they get a feeling in their body of crossing a line of what is taboo. This makes them feel defiantly empowered. Also, they might notice that they feel like the spirit or essence of the person is in their bodily fluids and like the idea that they can catch and keep it. Also, they might feel aroused at the humiliation factor of urination being forced and realize that they are under the pressure of putting up an image for themselves due to societal positions and expectations. They might see that they have the desire to stop hiding these deep layers of shame that are covered over by the pretense and instead let go of that pressure and feel vulnerable and have their own shame exposed and wanted. Don’t be afraid of really looking deep and hard at every element and aspect of the unique picture of your own arousal. Including the first time you ever remember being sexually turned on. Not only because it will improve your sex life. But also, because it will help you to decode what you are really wanting to experience in your life, but may not be allowing yourself to admit to.     

So, the bad news is because of this, sexual incompatibility is not just about sex. Rather, it points to much deeper core incompatibilities. The good news is, because sexuality originates from strong needs and desires, finding someone with a compatible sexuality greatly increases your chances of finding someone who is more compatible to you in your broader life.


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