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The Anatomy of Loneliness

We are conceived in connection. We are suckled in the security and warmth of connection from the very moment that our mothers hold us against their breast. We cannot perceive the difference between them and ourselves, so it is then, in that state of oneness, that we are the closest to who and what we really are. So close that we don’t even bother to ask the question, “Who am I?” There’s no need to do so because we are not differentiated.  But this is where it ends.  We begin the process of seeing ourselves as separate to every other thing around us in the physical dimension.  When this begins, we all experienced a fall from grace. The grace we fell from was that deep, visceral sense of connection.  We taste loneliness for the very first time.

Loneliness is something that all people experience; the question is to what degree.  There is a kind of loneliness that can be remedied by simply being around other people and there is a kind of loneliness that can’t.  It is this second form of loneliness, the kind that exists even when we are in a crowded room, that causes us to truly suffer. This loneliness is a genuine sense of isolation.  It is this form of loneliness that needs to find resolve. For this reason, I have written a book. I have called it the Anatomy of Loneliness. In this book, I reveal quite literally the anatomy of loneliness, what specifically creates loneliness and how to resolve those things so as to create lasting connection with other people.  This book is available through my website and every other online book retailer such as Barnes and Noble, Booktopia and Amazon if you want to learn about loneliness in depth and in great detail as well as how to find your way back to connection, I highly suggest that you pick up a copy of the book.

The anatomy of genuine loneliness is composed of three distinct parts or pillars.  The first is Separation. The second is shame. The third is Fear. Separation is the heart of all loneliness.  Everything else serves to enhance it. Though the story of separation began far before your physical incarnation, separation is the recognition of self vs. other, which just so happens to be the birth of the ego.  It is a state of fragmentation. This fragmentation does not just take place externally relative to yourself and other things in the world. It also takes place internally. The fragmentation that takes place within each person, a fragmentation that creates internal disunity, causes us to separate off from certain parts of ourselves and those parts feel ostracized, rejected, disowned and isolated.  As a result, because we cannot actually eradicate them from us, we feel the intense loneliness and isolation and rejection that those parts within us feel. For more information about this, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease.

The second part of loneliness is shame.  Most people think that shame is solely a mental and emotional response to self-diminishing experiences, beliefs, and thoughts. The truth is shame is much more primal than that and it’s more debilitating because shame is the mechanism of fragmentation.  To understand shame, imagine a sea anemone. If you poke a sea anemone with your finger, it immediately has a reaction and that is to pinch itself closed. This reaction happens at an instinctual level. It happens without the sea anemone having to think about making it happen. It’s an organic biological affective reaction.  Shame is actually a primitive reaction encoded in your organism, just like your fight or flight mechanism. And interestingly, so is love.   When we experience shame, we push ourselves away.  But we can’t do that in actuality. All we can do is to cause our own consciousness to spit.   When we feel the secondary layer of shame, the emotion of shame, we withdraw from other people.  We make ourselves impossible to access for them. We either do this through avoidance or by being completely inauthentic so people only ever interact with a façade.  Either way, we experience extreme loneliness as a result.

The third part of loneliness is Fear. Fear is inherently about separation. By its very nature, it is to push something or someone away from you. And fear is the number one most isolating experience on the planet. The more fearful we are, the more alone we are. Fears about relationships or about other people simply serve to separate us from people and make us lonely when it comes to human contact. People have four primary fears when it comes to relationships. They are:

  • Abandonment.
  • Rejection or disapproval.
  • Being Trapped In Pain
  • Loss of self, also called enmeshment.

It is impossible to fear the unknown.  This means that the fear that is keeping us lonely is a hold over from a previous traumatic situation we have already experienced.  It is not about the unknown. It is about something we project into the unknown. This means that resolving fear is much more about resolving past experiences and fearful beliefs you have inherited from other people than it is about anything else.  And it is critical to know that it is impossible to push through fear so as to connect in spite of it. This only enhances fear and therefore loneliness because it causes you to oppose and therefore separate further from your fear, which is inherently a part of you.

Connection can be thought of as a link with something else where you perceive a link or association between yourself and that other thing.  In a state of oneness, you cannot be connected any more than you can be disconnected because you are everything else and everything else is you. In other words, in a state of oneness, there is no need for connection.  But seeing as how we experience life through our individual perspective, we must create connection before restoring ourselves to a state where we perceive ourselves to be one with everything.

When it comes to making a genuine connection with someone else, that link is consciously chosen and wanted by both people who are deciding to be linked together. Our connection can exist at any level of our being. We can be mentally linked, emotionally linked, energetically linked, or physically linked. When we disconnect, we break that link we have to another person on whatever level we disconnect, if not all levels. Because genuine connection is a link to someone that is consciously chosen, not forced upon us, we have to focus on choosing to create it as well as on keeping it.  Our happiness in our individual lives depends upon our capacity to be connected.  Our survival as a human race depends on our capacity to be connected. Right now, loneliness is an epidemic.  It is an epidemic with devastating implications.

The pain of the human condition is that we walk this earth with multiple billions of other people and yet each of us feels alone. Because of the trauma of our own disconnection, we perceive ourselves to be disconnected from anything we see as “other”. It’s enough that this disconnection causes us pain. But the truth is, it doesn’t stop there.  This pain of disconnection bleeds out across the planet. If you are truly connected to something, you cannot cause it pain without causing yourself pain too. When we perceive ourselves to be disconnected, we no longer feel the ripple of oneness that is our fundamental truth. We no longer feel the impact that everything has on us and that we have on everything else and as a result, we can cause something or someone else pain without perceiving that pain in ourselves.

The concept that there is something dangerous and painful about being disconnected might seem theoretical and abstract until you realize that this is the reason that, for years, many countries were completely segregated. People with dark skin were taken from their families and kept as slaves, burnt, beaten, and hung. This is why in the 1940s, Auschwitz and other death camps were created to contain and exterminate Jews and other demographics that opposed the Nazi Regime.

Disconnection is what caused the US to drop a nuclear bomb on Hiroshima in 1945. It’s why as of 1979, PolPot’s regime had eliminated 21% of Cambodia’s entire population. And today, disconnection is the reason that a man can train for years for the single task of strapping a bomb to his own body and exploding it, himself along with it, in an attack aimed to create terror and destruction to whomever he has decided is his enemy.

Every crime that was ever committed came about because the person committing it perceived himself or herself to be separate from and disconnected from the person they committed that crime against. And so it can be said that the perception of separateness is not only the greatest pain we experience in this life, it’s also the single most dangerous thing on the planet.  The time has come to end loneliness within our human race. And it begins with healing it within ourselves.


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