We spend an inordinate amount of time in relationships trying to figure out how to make the other person happy. We want to love them in a way that they can really feel that love, but we don’t know how. I did a YouTube video titled, What Is Love? In that video, I explained that to love something is to take it as part of yourself. To take something as part of yourself, you have to see it, feel it, hear it, and by perceiving it to that degree, you will understand it.
For this reason, I am going to tell you that to really love someone in a way where they will feel loved, you must understand that thing. I am going to go even further with this and say that you should stop trying to love them and start trying to understand them instead.
When you understand something, you know that thing on a mental, emotional and physical level. And the best part about this is, it is no longer a guessing game. You don’t have to guess what it needs and wants and what’s best for it. You don’t have to guess because you know.
As people, we don’t take the time or put forth the energy to really understand and know each other. Usually, we enter into relationships simply because we feel that we like them. They add something to our lives. Because of this, we are in a relationship with the idea of them instead of the actuality of them. Establishing a relationship is a highly unconscious process. Where does this lead? Disaster.
To help you to understand why this is a nightmare, I want you to imagine that a young child loves a little jellyfish at an aquarium and so his parents buy him that jellyfish. The child does not know anything about jellyfish. All he knows is he loves him. So, he loves him in the way that he feels loved. He takes the jellyfish out of the water and holds it in a blanket. He sings it a bedtime song. He tries to feed it a candy bar. He puts it back in the water. Are you imagining what that whole scene looked like? By the time the jellyfish is put back in the water, the jellyfish is dead. The child is destroyed. He does not understand why the jellyfish is dead. He may even blame the jellyfish for dying when all he did was show it so much love. Sounds a lot like what we feel and act like when someone we are in love with breaks up with us doesn’t it?
When we do not understand another person, this is what being in a relationship with them can be like. We do all the wrong things for them, thinking that they are the right things for them.
Also, if we do not really understand someone, we cannot know if they are genuinely compatible to us. For example, unless we understand someone to the degree that we understand that the best thing for someone is to have a partner who is always available and close to home, we may choose to marry them even though what is the best for us is to be home only ½ of the time because of the business we have. As a result, the relationship is miserable and full of conflict and eventually dissolves.
As for understanding someone, this is not really rocket science. Do the same thing you would do if you were obsessed with something as a kid. Immerse yourself in it completely. Let curiosity and the desire to know drag you mercilessly forward. When you were young, if you loved horses you checked out every book on the subject. You spent hours staring at them. You took riding lessons. You did anything you could do to become an expert on them. And if a scientist becomes interested in something that is unknown, he takes it upon himself to study it so that it becomes known.
What I am telling you to do is to become an expert on the people in your lives, especially your partner. Feel into them, see into them, listen to them, understand them. Become focused on knowing them. And when you do, loving them will be easy. You will know them to the degree that you will know exactly what their best interests actually are. You will now exactly how to love them and how to love them in a way where they really feel it.