As people, we have a nasty habit of not recognizing the resources that are all around us. Because this is the case, we miss the benefit they offer us and we end up feeling an unnecessary sense of lack. And this is especially true when it comes to other people.
For the sake of this conversation, let’s say that a resource is something that can be drawn on when wanted or needed, especially to enhance your wellbeing. When we “resource” something, what this means is that we recognize what it is that is of value that we want or need. And then, we actively draw upon it and use it or take it in; fully experiencing (seeing, hearing, feeling, and receiving) its full benefit.
Every person holds within them a powerful resource, or many. This means that every person is a resource of some kind. If you really come to understand this, the world becomes a place that is overflowing with prosperity and abundance. Different people definitely hold very different resources within their being. And this means that different people and different relationships provide very different things.
For example, one person (and therefore relationship) might not be a resource for communication, information or advice. But they might be an incredible resource for adventure, fun and joint experiences. One person (and therefore relationship) might be a powerful resource for honesty and understanding. But not a resource for dependability or encouragement. One person (and therefore relationship) might be a resource for physical affection. Another might be a resource for security. Another might be a resource for information on a specific topic. Another might be a resource for mutual enjoyment of similar interests. Another might be a resource for a helping hand. Another might be a resource for contacts. Another might be a resource for new ideas. Another might be a resource for emotional availability. Another might be a resource for being pushed towards personal growth. Another might be a resource for good food. Another might be a resource for acceptance. Another might be a resource for entertainment. You get the picture.
Every single person is a resource for something, even many things. The question is: Can you recognize what that resource is and the value of it; even if it is not something that you, yourself specifically want and need?
When we get into trouble with regards to resourcing others, is when:
- We refuse to accept that literally every person is a resource for something potentially very valuable to us; and because of this, we limit ourselves socially. And end up in a state of lack, angry at the people around us for what they do not provide for us.
- We try to meet our needs and get what we want by trying to draw things from specific people when they do not have or offer that specific resource. And end up in a state of lack, angry at the people around us for what they do not provide for us.
Here are a couple of examples of this. Maggie has always disliked Hector’s personality. He is rather cold and impersonal. They disagree on just about everything. As far as Maggie is concerned, Hector offers nothing and adds nothing to her life. She would rather cut him out of her life all together. But Maggie is so fixated on what Hector lacks, that she is not even looking for what he can provide; his strengths. What she has totally missed is that Hector is analytical. Maggie has plenty of problems. And Hector is the person in her life that could perhaps help her most by making an unbiased assessment of these problems, look at all the different angles of these problems and then offering very effective, efficient and logical solutions for each one of them. She would definitely feel better towards him if she recognized that Hector could be the one that could tell her how to get out of the situations that have been causing her to suffer for so many years, not just be warm and sympathetic that she is in them. And she could go to someone else for the warmth and sympathy she is needing. But because Maggie refuses to look for and recognize Hector’s resource, she is angry that no one has an answer for how to get out from under the intolerable weight of her problems.
Hector is a homosexual man. He had 11 siblings growing up and as a result, he always felt like his existence didn’t matter. He has been desperate to matter to someone and to be someone’s priority for his whole life. He wants security and availability most of all. Currently, he is fixated on his friend Max as being the one that is a resource for these things. But Max is a heterosexual man, who is currently single and who has the tendency to drop every friendship he has once he’s in a romantic relationship. Max is not actually a reliable resource for the security, availability and prioritization that Hector is looking for. When Max found another woman to be in a romantic relationship with, suddenly he stopped being available to and stopped prioritizing Hector, causing Hector to be retraumatized. And Hector is now furious at Max that he is not providing him with the security and availability and prioritization that he desperately needs.
Outside of simply lacking the awareness of what resources someone actually has within them, there are several reasons why we might have resistance to recognizing the resource that someone can provide and/or resourcing a person. Here are just some examples of why: In human culture, so many people believe that it is not ok to use people for your own benefit. This is why we don’t like to ask people for help. We tend to worry that asking people for what we need and want is “using” them. But it isn’t using people that is the problem. We use each other every single day. And guess what? People want the resources they hold to be recognized for their value. And people want those resources to be used. What they don’t want is for you to use them as a resource, to their own detriment. And when we say “I feel used”, this is what we mean. We don’t mean that someone sees our value and is positively resourcing us. We mean that they don’t really care about our wellbeing and are simply taking advantage of us. But using people and creating a mutually beneficial symbiosis with them does not have to be a contradiction in terms. Using someone and loving them does not have to be a contradiction in terms. If you want to understand more about this in depth, watch my video titled: Using People. Ask Teal Episode about Interdependence.
Another reason that we may have resistance to recognizing the resource that someone can provide and/or resourcing a person is that we may not want to see the value in someone because we perceive that doing so causes us to have to expand into ‘And Consciousness’. We are also afraid that doing so will cause us to come closer to someone whom we want to push away in order to feel good or stay safe. As people, we like to make things black and white. We feel safer that way. But the reality is not black and white. The reality is that a person can have so many valuable resources within them alongside behaviors that cause us pain. For example, we may have had a parent that was so painful to us in our childhood that we want to write them off as “all bad” and as “having no value or resource”. But the reality is that while they may not be a resource for love or connection, they may be a powerful resource for information on a specific subject or financial abundance. If you walk down a Jail house corridor, every person you pass is a well of powerfully valuable resources. From skills to knowledge to abilities to talents to character traits. You may have resistance to seeing that because it scares you to stop seeing them as “all bad”.
Another reason why we might have resistance to recognizing the resource that someone can provide and/or resourcing a person is because we have serious fear of taking a resource in from someone else. We tend to end up like this when accepting, using or taking in anything from someone else caused us pain. For example, we may have resourced our mother for caretaking as a child, only to end up trapped in guilt and indebted to her because of it. Or, we might have resourced someone for belonging, only to have them die. And therefore, we don’t want to resource anyone for anything so we can avoid the pain of suddenly losing something valuable to us that we were being provided. Or we might have been indoctrinated with the idea that if we need anyone else, we are weak and a burden and worthless. We may have been shamed for trying to resource someone in the past. And as a result, we feel we can only have worth if we are completely independent and associate resourcing others with shame. If you are someone who is afraid to resource others, you would benefit by watching four of my videos. The first is: How To Receive. The second is: Cut the Invisible Strings (How to Detach from Manipulation in Relationships). The third is: Dependence vs. Independence. And the Fourth is: Be Consciously Transactional (Why Every Relationship is Transactional).
Another reason why we might have resistance to recognizing the resource that someone can provide and/or resourcing a person is that we may limit ourselves with narrow thinking regarding relationships because we think that doing so is going to keep us safe. In line with this, we may also have a rigid social idea of how our social life must look, and therefore not be creative enough when it comes to crafting a social structure where our needs can actually be met. Here are some examples: We might be afraid that if we recognize a person as a resource for something, we might threaten another person in our life. And if threatened, they could withdraw the resource that they are currently providing us. Or for example, we think the only acceptable structure for our social life is a single-family home. As a result, we don’t have enough resources for our needs by any stretch of the imagination. But we are too afraid of the potential consequences of breaking outside the social norm. Or for example, we may think that the only way we can guarantee that we can use someone as a resource is if we are in a romantic relationship with them. Therefore, we look to our romantic partner to be the resource for everything for us. To learn more about this, you can watch my video titled: A Romantic Relationship is Not All There Is!
Don’t be that person who misses the value that is right in front of them. Accept that every single person (including you) is a resource for something valuable. Recognize that resource. And resourcing it. You will have much more energy and power and your life will be so much more abundant and so much richer as a result of it.