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  • Priceless Relationship Advice


    Potential is inherent in everything and everyone. It is a very admirable thing to be able to see the potential in people and in things. After all, It us the underlying truth of who we are. We are potential energy. The problem sets in when we decide to commit to a relationship with someone based on potential. It has been drilled into your head by our human society that the heroes and heroines of relationships are the partners and spouses that see the potential in their lovers even when they don’t see it in themselves. Society would have you believe that those partners and spouses are the very reason that they “make it to their goals”. This is not an accurate portrayal. These spouses are not in love with what their lovers could be. They are actually in love with what the person is. Here’s an example, you may have watched the movie called The Time Traveler’s Wife. Society would have you believe that Clare is a heroine because she sticks by Henry’s side despite how difficult it is to be married to someone who disappears (sometimes for weeks at a time) before your very eyes and mostly at inopportune moments. Society would have you believe that she stays by his side for the promise or for the potential that someone could cure the genetic disorder that causes him to spontaneously time travel. But this is not the case. The only reason Clare did not end up divorcing Henry, is because despite the difficulty of being left alone with no notice whatsoever, she fell in love with Henry for who he is and what he is; as a time traveler. We see those stories all the time during the Olympics, about spouses or partners or family members who believed in the athlete (that now has a gold medal) even when the athlete didn’t believe in themselves. It’s tempting to think that the spouse or partner or family member stuck by that person because of their belief in the person’s ability to be a winner or to get that gold medal. The truth is, the spouse or partner or family member may have had faith in the athlete’s ability to get the gold medal on day, but what they were actually in love with was who the athlete was right then and there. Sticking with the example of the athlete, the spouse of an athlete that is a happy spouse, is not in love with them because of the potential of them being a gold medalist one day. They are in love with them because of their drive and ambition and how tight they hold to a dream. With or without a gold medal, this is who they are, so the spouse can be happy right here and now regardless of whether the promise of a gold medal comes true or never comes true.

    The only way a relationship will ever be enjoyable, is if your love of who someone is right here and now, outweighs any promise of who they could be. And the only way a relationship will work out long term, is if you love who they are right now. In other words, if you were to freeze them in time and nothing ever changed about them, the only way a relationship will work out with them long term, is if you love that person. It will never be a satisfying relationship long term if you love who they told you they could or would be and it will never be a satisfying relationship long term if you love who you think they could or would be.

    When we first meet someone, many of us make the mistake of seeing what they could be instead of what they are and so, in the beginning when our focus is purely positive towards them, we are happy with them. We are happy when we are still banking on them becoming what we actually want them to be. We look forward to our future with them. The relationship feels like it is full of promise. And the promise of a better future makes our current lives more enjoyable to live. But eventually, we begin to notice where we are instead of where we want to be. We notice who they are instead of who we want them to be. Our illusion is shattered.

    This is especially true when we have fallen for someone who is a “rainbow seller”. To explain what a rainbow seller is, I’m going to play out a scenario that is rich with metaphor. A rainbow seller is a person who cannot love themselves for who they are; they only love themselves for what they could be or will be one day. It is as if their merit and worth is on the other side of the rainbow. They don’t really believe in themselves. And after years of chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow to no avail, they no longer truly believe that they can reach the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. So they ask you to believe that they can reach that pot of gold for them. They sell you on the idea that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. They promise you all kinds of things that even they don’t truly think they can achieve; because they become convinced that with your support and belief in them, they may actually be able to reach the end of the rainbow and enjoy the pot of gold awaiting them. And for a while, you get to share in the excitement of the chase. For a while you believe there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow also. In fact, you are in a relationship with them for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And when you begin to notice that the end of the rainbow just keeps receding and receding, you finally notice that you don’t like where you are very much. You start to doubt that there is in fact a pot at the end of the rainbow. You begin to take notice of all the ways that you aren’t yet at the pot of gold. And then a funny thing happens; you blame them for it. Not only do you blame them for it, you punish them for it. Not only do you punish them for it, they punish you for it. They get really, really angry (and usually self destructive) and try to make you think you have betrayed them. Your lack faith in the idea of the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow makes them feel like you lack faith in them. They will shame you and guilt you into thinking that you are a bad person for loosing faith in the endeavor. Eventually, you end up calling yourself stupid, feeling like you are in fact a bad person for abandoning the dream and them, and the relationship ends. Or worse, we stay in a miserable relationship of mutual punishment and dissatisfaction for the rest of our lives and die of some disease that our body has manifested because of it.

    This is what we do in relationships once the illusion begins to crumble. We blame them for the illusion and for the fact that it is now crumbling. We punish them for not living up to what they promised us that they would be or what we wanted them to be. We punish them because they aren’t yet what we want them to be. This relationship mistake is especially prevalent because society has told us that it is not appropriate to prioritize some things in a partner; such as money or looks. I’m going to get really stereotypical and explain two scenarios to you.

    1. Scenario one is a woman who wants to be with a man that has lots of money. She loves the feeling of being provided for and being with someone who is successful. But society tells her that this is a shallow and therefore inappropriate desire. Society calls her a gold digger. So she does not hold out for a wealthy man. Instead, she settles for men that have no money, but whom promise her that they will have money and will financially support her. She settles for men that sell her rainbows. She does not realize that these men would not actually prioritize money if they were left to their own devices. Instead, they are trying to gain money… for her. Eventually she will realize that they are getting nowhere, because the motivation doesn’t come organically from within them; it comes entirely from her. She starts to feel duped. She begins to vent her frustrations about them and loose faith in them. And the men begin to feel resentful because they realize that she does not love them for who they are right here and now, she “only wants them for money”. In reality, this isn’t the case; it’s just that she has fallen in love with the potential of what they could be one day instead of what they are. And she still wants the kind of man that she wants (which happens to be a wealthy man).
       
    2. Scenario two is a man who wants to be with a woman who is physically gorgeous. He loves the feeling of getting butterflies in his stomach when he’s near her. He loves the feeling of other men giving him props for being with such a beautiful woman. But society says that this is an inappropriate desire. Society calls him a “dick” or a “misogynist”. So, he does not hold out for a physically attractive woman. Instead, he settles. He settles for women who have some attractive qualities about them, but whom he doesn’t consider beautiful. Now, he spends his time trying to get her to join exercise programs or trying to get her to go get her hair done. He finds himself watching other women who he finds beautiful when his partner is there and in turn, she feels unappreciated and ugly. He subscribes to pornography web sites because he has no sex drive relative to the woman he is supposed to be in a long-term relationship with. He is dissatisfied. He begins to vent his frustrations about her. And she becomes resentful. She believes that she is worthless because she isn’t pretty enough. Which is not the case. It’s just that he has fallen in love with the potential of what she could look like one day and not what she really looks like right now. And he still wants what he wants (which happens to be a physically gorgeous woman).

    We especially fall into this pattern with people who we think have “problems”. We get into a relationship with them or stay with them because of the promise of the day that their problems are all gone. We stay with them because of the potential that they could stop beating us and decide to love us one day. We stay with them because of the potential that they could be drug free one day. We stay with them because of the potential that they could be happy one day. We feel extra good about ourselves because we get to be the rescuer and the loyal partner. But eventually, we realize that we really don’t want to be with a person with those problems. We realize that we are staying with them, not because of who they are, but for the potential that they could get better and not have those problems one day.

    You can’t buck the current of your own expansion. Once you desire something, you can only amend your desire, you can never cause yourself to not want something that you want. And it must be said that those of us who tend to get into relationships based on potential also tend to be the people who think that it’s inappropriate to desire what we truly desire; or that we don’t deserve what we truly desire. The person that you want to choose to be with is the person who is already doing and already being the person you want, before you showed up in their life. If that person isn’t already doing what you want them to do, they are doing it for you, not for them! You cannot be their motivation for them. Those of us with low self esteem fall into this trap of trying to become what the other person wants us to be, instead of letting ourselves be ourselves completely, so as to find someone who wants us the way we are exactly. Take a good look at your partner. If you froze them in time and space and for the rest of your relationship, they were exactly like this (this temperament, these looks, this much money), would you want to be with them? Or would you not want to be with them? If not, you can’t be in a relationship with that person and be happy long term. And you can’t get them to be responsible for your happiness by trying to change them into what you want them to be. Now take a good look at yourself. If you froze yourself in space and time and for the rest of your life you were exactly like this (these moods, these looks, these flaws, this much money), would you love yourself? If not, you run the very real risk of selling rainbows in your relationships and setting yourself up for relationship failure. If not, it is time to learn how to love yourself.

    Fall in love with what is, not what could be. This doesn’t make you a person of little faith. You can still have faith in someone; just don’t base your decision to be in a relationship with someone off of faith. Because if you do, you don’t really love them, you love what they could be. You have fallen in love with an illusion. You have fallen in love with something that does not exist. All that truly exists is now. The past does not exist and the future does not exist. Eventually, you will find yourself in the now and all you will see relative to your partner, is the lack of what you want them to be. You can try all you want to, but it is not possible to get yourself to not want what you want. It is desire that is fueling universal expansion. And universal expansion is the purpose of life itself. So the best you can do, is to become clear about why you want what you want. Figuring out why you want what you want helps you to come closer to your truest desires and closer to manifesting the specific desire that you have expressed. Regardless of what society tells you, it is ok to want what you want in a partner. Anyone who tells you otherwise, is grappling with insecurity; usually the insecurity that they can’t be (or are not) what you want. So they would rather tell you that you shouldn’t desire what you desire, so that they don’t feel bad about themselves. Falling in love with the future potential of who someone could be, instead of who someone is right here and now, is a recipe for relationship disaster. And think about it, you don’t really want to be loved by someone else for what you could be one day any more than they want to be loved by you for what they could be one day.