A very, very long time ago, man became consciously aware of thought. Man noticed that there were two perspectives inherent within him/her. There was the direct experiencing of the world and there was the observation of the experiencing. Mankind began to call the direct experiencer the body or ego and the observer of the experience the soul or consciousness. And just like that, spiritual practice was born. The body will die, but the soul lives on. In the most ancient spiritual traditions all around the globe, one of the very first spiritual practices was the practice of becoming aware of the observer (the souls’ perspective). In fact, you’d be hard pressed to find one spiritual tradition that does not include some form of spiritual practice that involves becoming aware of the observer self. That is because it works. It has worked for centuries and it still works today. In order to understand what I mean by the ‘observer self’, consider that when you have an experience; say you’re in the middle of a disagreement with someone, you can be completely in the experience where you are fully immersed in the feelings of anger and the thoughts about the experience (thoughts like “you’re such an idiot”) are very real. But you could conversely be observing the argument and your reactions to the argument. When you do this, instead of being fully immersed in 1st person perspective in the argument and being the anger or the thoughts, you could simply watch them as if from 3rd person perspective. When you do this, you are not fully immersed in the experience. You are watching yourself being immersed in the experience instead. This is a practice in detachment. Detachment from what is occurring (which is different than escapism), can allow us to remain fully conscious so that we may chose to respond instead of react to situations that occur. It also helps allows us to transcend the limited perspective of the direct experience so that we are more objective instead of subjective relative to our life experiences. I will tell you that when people seek to spend all their time in this objective perspective, it is not a sign of enlightenment. It is because they have resistance to the subjective experience. They are afraid to fully feel. But that being said, it is a very important skill to develop, because people, who spend all their time in the subjective perspective, do not have awareness of themselves from an objective point of view. They are cut off from the conscious awareness of their own consciousness and divinity. So in my opinion, we should develop both skills so that we can choose which perspective to take on. Seeing as how most people are already adept at the 1st person perspective of the subjective way of living, the thing that must be practiced is the third person, objective way of living. They must learn to become the observer. The best way to do this is to add a mindfulness meditation to your repertoire. To do this meditation, find a comfortable space and watch your breath. You want to go into meditation the same way each time if you can. This becomes a positive trigger for your mind to focus down to business. If you were to use the observation of your breath every time for example, your mind will form an association between watching the breath and meditation and so it will slow itself and change it’s frequency quickly like a conditioned response. After a time, I want you to focus and become awake to the present moment by beginning to simply observe your external reality and begin to label things as you observe them. For example, if I hear the highway in the distance, I might internally say to myself “Hearing the highway”. If I smell grass, I might say “Smelling grass”. If I feel a pain in my arm, I might say “Feeling pain in the arm”. My objective is just to notice.
Then, I turn my concentration to my own thoughts. My objective is simply to watch my thoughts, to become aware of them. I do not need to change them. I am not judging them as good or bad. I am simply noticing them and labeling them. For example, if I notice myself thinking, “This is stupid” I might say, “Thinking a negative thought”. If I notice myself thinking, “This feels so good “ I might say “Thinking a Positive thought”. Or I can label what kind of thinking it is that I am observing. For example, if I notice myself think, “He’s such an idiot” I might say, “Judgment” or “Blaming”. I want to remain dis-identified with the thoughts themselves and simply watch them pop up and name them for what they are. Doing this affirms the idea that “I see you” to our Ego self. Then, after a time, switch your concentration to your internal world. Again, simply observe this internal reality and being to label things as you observe them. I can pay attention to sensations for example “burning in the solar plexus” or “tingling in the fingers” or “tightness in the forehead”. I may also notice emotions. I can label these as well. For example I can say “anger” or “despair” or “joy”.
If you watch your mind wander during this exercise, that is ok, you can observe that too. Just say, “mind wandering” and bring your attention back to what you were focused on before. You can maintain this exercise for as long as you want. And when you are ready, you can bring your attention back to the breath and observe the in breath and out breath for a time until you are ready to come back to subjective reality. Even though you can maintain this mindfulness practice for as long as you want, I suggest beginning with ten minutes and then, when you are comfortable with that amount of mindfulness; you can extend the time for as long as you want. It is hard for a mind that is not practiced at mindfulness meditation to remain focused for longer than ten minutes to begin with. The aim is to no longer be identified with the things you’re experiencing, the thoughts you are thinking, or the emotions you are feeling for a time. You’re just observing them and letting them be there. You want to experience the relief of being outside your subjective experience instead of immersed in it. In the future, your mindfulness practice can take place in silence. By silence I mean no talking inside with the mind and no talking outside with the mouth…. No commentary, just observing in a state of non-judgment; just noticing everything that is occurring or being perceived in your now.
What you will notice is that just like working a muscle, you will begin to become more objective in your every day perspective. Your level of mindfulness will increase. Your ability to observe will be honed, like a skill that you can use any time you wish. It will start to be easy to be mindful not just in meditation but even in your day-to-day life. It is particularly helpful when you are in the midst of a conflict to be able to become mindful enough to be objective about whatever you are experiencing. It allows you to be conscious about the choices you are making and the ways you are responding to your life, to yourself and to others. By becoming mindful, you ensure that you are not just sleep walking through like, you are awake to life. You can see life through the eyes of your ego and also through the eyes of your eternal self.
We spend our lives trying to keep everyone happy, trying to be nice, trying to conform and fit in, trying to pacify everyone and trying not to rock the boat. The result is, we are secretly deeply unhappy. We spend our lives trying to avoid what we don’t want to have happen, instead of living according to our own sense of what we do want and the individual values we do hold. We lose our integrity in the name of trying to keep other people happy. The result of losing integrity is that our self worth plummets. We can’t live out of alignment with our own personal sense of integrity and feel good about ourselves at the same time. To not feel good about ourselves is a problem when we have to live inside our own skin everyday.
How does this fear of conflict begin? Like everything… It begins in our earliest years on the planet. In the ideal family, each member of the family is loved and accepted for who he or she uniquely is. To use a metaphor, the family is regarded like an Indian curry dish. Each unique flavor that goes into the dish is thought to enhance the dish. So the coriander does not want to convince the pepper to become coriander and the ginger does not want to convince the cumin to become ginger because it is the differences between the flavors that when combined, makes for the beauty of the dish. In this kind of household, differences are acceptable. In many families however, especially in families where parents seek to be validated through their children, difference is not acceptable. When a child in this kind of home tries to express his or her differences, they are shamed, criticized, withdrawn from or likewise punished. They are met with disapproval instead of acceptance and thus the child stands to lose love as a result of being different. These families usually revolve around one dominant or even narcissistic adult, an adult who makes his or her happiness or lack thereof the direct responsibility of everyone else. If this kind of family was an Indian curry dish, the most dominant flavor in the dish, say ginger, would be trying to turn every other flavor into ginger and there would be consequences to not becoming ginger. Consequences like shaming and even getting kicked out of the dish completely. So if we grew up in this kind of household we develop a fear of opposition of any kind. We have learned there are serious consequences for non-conformity. We experience a traumatic reaction any time there is conflict of any kind.
In relationships, if we have a conflict, this is considered a rupture in the relationship. And when we find a way to come back together and heal the rupture after it happens, that is called repair. Ruptures are inevitable in relationships. There are going to be those times in any relationship when we just don’t see eye to eye or we mistakenly say something that upsets the other person. What really matters in relationships is not our ability to avoid rupture, it is our ability to create repair once rupture has happened. This is what gives us a sense of relationship security. If we fear conflict, we have had limited experience with relationship repair. Most often what we see is that one parent in our childhood or both, were unconcerned with creating repair in the relationship. When a rupture occurred, they did not seek to solve it with us. Love was a power struggle and so they expected us to be the ones to yield and create the repair we so desperately needed by conforming to something they were wanting from us. So we had no relationship security. We spend our lives trying to avoid the rupture in all of our relationships because we feel no security that if there is rupture, there will be repair. The security of the relationship and therefore our emotional safety was entirely at the mercy of our ability to never upset this parent. In adulthood, we panic whenever a conflict arises because we’re convinced there will be no repair to the relationship. So we begin to scurry around doing anything we can to pacify all parties involved. We think we are doing this for their benefit, when in fact; we are just doing this so we can guarantee our own emotional safety, inner peace and security.
If we are truly afraid of conflict, we will avoid 2 types of situations…
1. Conflict that involves people being upset at us specifically. This is scary because of the consequences we think are going to come as a result of it. Things like permanently losing connection, feeling bad about ourselves, losing love, or being emotionally or physically punished. Most of us who fear conflict are afraid that if someone disagrees with us, especially if they challenge us, it means they don’t like, love or approve of us. And since we are a social species that registers as a threat to our survival. 2. Conflict that doesn’t directly involve you but is between other people. This is scary because we feel we are being forced to side. And by doing so, put ourselves at risk of someone being upset at us specifically and thus experiencing the consequences we are afraid of if someone is upset with us specifically. This makes us feel emotionally unsafe whenever people are upset. And we cope by trying to avoid or escape the situation.
Conflict is inevitable in life. We are all living our lives through individual perspectives and so we experience differences in opinions, experiences, preferences and ways to deal with situations. So, what we find is that we cannot avoid conflict and in fact whenever we try to avoid it, we end up deeper in it. We attract people into our lives who seem to stir up conflict. This is of course the universe’s way trying to get us to face and heal our issue with conflict so we can live a more fulfilling life. But when we are tiptoeing around in life, trying to avoid conflict and can’t, we set ourselves up for failure. We cannot live a life of authenticity and integrity and we cannot experience relationships that are healthy. We lose all self-respect. We also lose the respect of others. We are ironically hurting ourselves for the sake of trying to stay emotionally safe. Also, a little known fact is that we are hurting other people by avoiding conflict. There are so many ways that we hurt other people by avoiding conflict, but I’m going to list just a few of the ways for you here. First, we are setting them up to be unhappy with us by misrepresenting ourselves. If our prerogative is to express who we genuinely are and what we genuinely think instead of to tell people what they want to hear, we will end up surrounded by the people who love us for who we are and who are happy being around us. If however, our prerogative is to tell people what they want to hear, we run the risk of people who love a façade and when we can’t keep up the façade, we will have deceived them potentially into being in relationships they would not have gotten into if they would have known our true preferences and opinions and feelings. When we avoid conflict, we avoid being real in relationships and so real love is not possible. We also fall prey to being very passive aggressive and there is hardly anything worse for people that to be with someone who is passive aggressive. Also, when we avoid conflict, we often make people feel abandoned. We leave them to deal with problems alone. We are like the person who runs the minute that war is declared, leaving them on the battlefield alone. We cannot remain present with the people in our lives. This is hardly loving behavior. There is also a little known pattern that we fall into with the people we love if we are afraid of conflict. It is the classic story of the ‘turn coat’. We sacrifice the people we love for the sake of avoiding conflict. Here’s how it goes… If we have someone in our life that we have been with long enough to experience a lot of rupture and repair, we now have a sense of emotional security with them. We know we run less of a risk of losing our connection with them. So, if that person in our life gets into a conflict with someone else, we will side with the opposition and throw our loved one under the bus so to speak because the opposition is the one we cannot guarantee that we are emotionally safe from yet. Yikes!! Our loved one that we do have emotional security with becomes a pawn we use to avoid consequences from others we don’t have emotional security with.
So, now that you understand what creates a fear of conflict, what are you supposed to do about it?
1. If you fear conflict, you have got to make a serious practice of developing healthy boundaries. Your boundaries are too weak. For this reason, I want you to watch my video titled: “How To Develop Healthy Boundaries”.
2. You’ve got to see that you are going to be emotionally uncomfortable no matter if you face the conflict or avoid it. This enables us to make the decision that is the most self-loving. There are serious costs to avoiding conflict that we are not making ourselves aware of yet. We need to see that by avoiding conflict we may be temporarily escaping the discomfort of being opposed to someone we want to be in coherence with and we will avoid our fears. But if we avoid the conflict, we will most likely end up in a situation that feels less than desired by us. We will spend our time complaining, feeling resentful, ruminating on what happened, and feeling bad about ourselves because we have abandoned ourselves or others and thus are aware that we are not living authentically and with integrity. So the question to ask ourselves is… “If there is going to be discomfort either way, is avoiding the conflict worth it?” 3. You need to begin to see conflict as an opportunity instead of as a disaster. Conflict is an opportunity to become clear about yourself and your values and beliefs and desires. Conflict is the perfect breeding ground for authenticity. Every time a conflict arises, we can see it as an alarm bell that tells us… Here is an opportunity to really know yourself. Contrast (which is really all conflict is) is the only way that we can gain clarity about anything. Without the comparative experience, we would have no understanding at all. Opposition or polarity enables us to gain understanding. When conflict arises, you need to use those conflicts to ask yourself… What do I really believe? What do I really want? Why did I really do this thing or say this thing? What do I really think in this situation? And beyond the understanding, it is also an opportunity to take action to line up with your integrity and by doing so, to give yourself the message “I am going to stand by my own personal truth”. Get ready for a boost of self-confidence and self-esteem because doing this greatly deepens and improves the relationship you have with yourself. It will lead to self-trust. On that note, because self-trust is such a struggle for those of us who have a fear of conflict, I want you to watch my YouTube video titled: “How To Trust Yourself”.
4. When you experience conflict, use the immediate fear or resistance you feel in your body as an alarm bell to alert you that you have been triggered. And now, you need to really become aware of what it is exactly that you are afraid of. The most obvious thing to ask yourself about fear of conflict in general is: “What would be so bad about upsetting someone?” You also need to become aware of what it is you are afraid of in the specific conflict and directly express that fear instead of running away from the conflict. For example, if someone tells you that you have to come with them to something you don’t want to go to and you are feeling the fear come up and are tempted to say yes just to avoid the conflict, ask to have a minute to decide. Then, use that minute to decide what you are afraid of about saying No. You might discover that the fear you feel is that if you say no, they will become disappointed and withdraw from you so you lose the connection. Then challenge yourself to express that truth directly. Like this: “I really don’t want to go, but I’m afraid that if I don’t go, you will be disappointed and withdraw from me.” This is an authentic expression so you are in a space of integrity and if the friend is worth having, they will respond to that honesty with something that will reassure you of the connection. They will not require you to abandon yourself for the sake of the relationship. The more reassured you are that the conflict will not lead to permanent rupture, the easier it will be to dive right in when conflict arises. And yes, I’m asking you to be brave enough to be vulnerable like that. 5. Develop empathy for people. We need to deliberately look for the vulnerabilities and fears of other people and see their pain in order for us to not take peoples reactions personally. If we avoid conflict, we tend to take everything personally. So when conflict arises, ask yourself, “How is this person hurting?” And meditate on that long enough to see below the surface of the conflict that is arising. 6. To get in touch with what is active in your subconscious mind, you can do a practice when you feel the fear of conflict arise, where you write a letter from your child self to your adult self. But the hand you dominantly write with is wired to your adult conscious mind. So you must use the hand you do not write with. Invite your inner child to arise within you and to hold the pen and to say what he or she needs to say. If you want, you can ask your inner child questions and the inner child can answer them. For example, if I ask “Why are you feeling so scared right now”? The inner child might say, “Because if they are mad at me, I will be put in my room all alone”. Becoming conscious of these suppressed fears can really enable us to be willing to consciously face conflict and see that we are being ruled by childhood fears that are irrational in our adulthood.
7. The avoidance of conflict is all about feeling emotionally unsafe. Instead of running around manipulating other people into be happy so you can feel emotionally safe; be brave enough to take the direct route to emotional safety. Repeat after me: It’s ok to want to be emotionally safe. So ask yourself “What would make me feel emotionally safe.” Survey your life and think of all the things that make you feel emotionally safe. Maybe it’s the reassurance that you’re not going to lose someone if you voice your opinion. Maybe it’s a comfort item you have around the house. Maybe it is being touched by someone. The point is that sometimes the very thing we need in order to be able to face conflict instead of to avoid it, is to ask ourselves or to have someone else ask us “What do I need in order to feel emotionally safe enough to face this conflict instead of avoid it? And repeat after me: I am not emotionally safe with myself if I keep sacrificing myself and compromising myself to keep other people feeling happy and pacified.
8. Get in touch with your feelings. If you struggle with conflict, you are not in touch with your emotions and honestly have not learned how to deal with emotions when they arise. This is especially true relative to conflict because your emotions were not dealt with adequately by the adults in your childhood experience. You do not yet understand that conflict does not have to be the frightening, destructive, explosive or aggressive situation you are picturing in your head. Your early social training was not supportive, it was punitive. For this reason, when you become emotional, you have no idea what to do with it and when other people become emotional, you have no idea what to do with it. In order to learn what to do with your own emotions and what to do with the emotions of others, I want you to watch two of my YouTube videos. 1. How To Heal The Emotional Body. 2. Emotional Wakeup Call. 9. Develop your communication skills. The easiest way to resolve conflict and to become confident about conflict is to become confident about your ability to communicate with others. Perhaps in the future I will do an episode on how to communicate. But until then, a simple tip is to ask as many questions as you can. Questions often result in quick resolution. Questions imply openness and so they do not inspire defense. Especially focus on questions that narrow down expectations. Many conflicts arise as a result of unmet expectations, differing needs or needs that were not met. If we can identify the needs that we have that were not met, we instantly have the opportunity to find resolution; we just have to figure out how to best meet those unmet needs. Now is the time to end the cycle of sabotaging yourself and others by spending your life in avoidance mode. When it comes to conflicts, time will not make it better. Sleeping on it will not make it better. Conflicts will not go away; in fact they will only fester. The more you face conflict, the less afraid you will feel of it. You will experience the good that comes as a result of it. You will experience relationship repair. Also, the better you will feel about yourself and the better your relationships will be because you will be learning how to be completely present with yourself and with others. By becoming comfortable with conflict, you will finally be able to stand by your own personal truth squarely enough that your life will reflect your authentic self and your life experience will become one that you really want to show up for every day. And it is more than possible, it is in fact how it is supposed to be, that instead of causing us to lose our connection with others, conflict can cause our connection with others to deepen and become even more secure.
Now if you’re one of these people who trusts that the universe or God has your best interests at heart and is always taking you in the direction of your highest good, then mentally give yourself a gold star. That there is just one less thing you have to worry about and you can consider yourself very lucky in the beliefs department. But if some of us are honest with ourselves, we do not feel this way at all. We feel like the universe is against us. Our lives feel like a very scary dance whereby we feel the odds are stacked against us and that it pleases the universe to watch us suffer. Every positive thing that comes into our lives is viewed as a cruel trick that will turn into a source of suffering. Our futures seem harrowing and bleak.
The best way to describe this highly subconscious mentality is that we are in a deadly chess game against the universe at large. We try to outmaneuver, overpower, placate, please and bargain with the universe, because the universe is not our ally. It is our adversary. And we end up tormented because we are playing against something much bigger than ourselves. Where there literally is no way to win. If this is our reality, we have a terrible relationship with the universe we live in. Yet it’s a relationship we can’t escape. Life is terrorizing. Think of a fish that lives in water, but is convinced the water is trying to torture it. We start to believe that life is about suffering. We look around our world at all the suffering that is going on and then that suffering becomes more proof of it.
This belief pattern begins in the earliest experiences we have in life. Its roots are deeply entrenched in trauma. Some children are “lucky”. The conditions of their gestation and birth and upbringing are nurturing. For some of us however, this is simply not the case. Some of us came to mothers who themselves felt the universe was against them and began to adopt this frequency while in the womb. Some of us had traumatic birth experiences. Some of us had parents who were less than nurturing. The result is that we believe that we are powerless to powers that be; powers that did not have our best interest at heart. Life itself began to feel inhospitable. Even though the experiences vary that create this pattern of mentality in our subconscious minds, the most common trauma I see creating this thought pattern is a pattern that begins with either one or both of our parents. Parents are supposed to be advocates. They are supposed to be on our sides. But if we have this pattern of not trusting God and thinking the universe is against us, it usually means that we felt like one (or both) of our parents was against us. They were an adversary. Many times, this parent acted as an adversary unintentionally and even thought they were being an advocate to us by being adversarial. So it is not usually a sinister dynamic. But nonetheless, it imbued us with the idea that this parent did not have our best interest at heart and in fact we had to try to feel good in spite of them.
When we are young, our parents are something that is much bigger, wiser, stronger and capable than us. They meet our needs. In essence, our parents are our Gods. And then we grow up. Since we now live at adult capacity, our God usually becomes more like the God that is recognized by mainstream religion or spirituality. An omnipotent consciousness. Because this omnipotent consciousness is larger than us and wiser than us and stronger than us and more capable than us, we view it as an authority figure. And so our subconscious mind searches through its rolodex for its current definition and expectation of authority figure and it then superimposes that definition and expectation over the top of the new concept we have of God. This is the point at which you had better hope your parents felt like advocates instead of adversaries. Because if your first authority figures felt like adversaries, God will feel like an adversary to you as well. Everything will be viewed through the lens of how the universe is against you instead of for you.
Make a list of the things you disliked and liked the most about each of your parents individually. Then look at those lists and see how this is the expectation you have of God. If you had a confusing mother, you’re apt to be confused by God. If you were punished by your father, you will most likely expect punishment from the universe and so on and so forth. You will find that you usually project the parent that had the most authority in the household over your concept of God the most.
Now this issue of distrusting the universe is only compounded if you suffer further trauma and disappointment and pain in your life. With each hardship, this belief digs in deeper and deeper. This is compounded further if you are raised in a religion whose idea of god mirrors that of a punitive parent whom you have to please or else there is a consequence. And one day, it doesn’t matter if some missionaries show up on your doorstep and tell you “God loves you”. It doesn’t matter what spiritual teacher professes to you the benevolence of the universe. You may want to believe it, but you don’t. And there is one glaring mystery that is left ricocheting around in your mind, nagging you incessantly… “If God is benevolent and loves me and is on my side, then why did those things happen to me? Why would an omnipotent god let me suffer like that or like this?” We can take this further and apply it to things we are witnessing in the world. If God is omnipotent and loves us, why does God let children be abused, women be raped, men get blown to bits in wars, natural disasters happen, animals get slaughtered etc.
Rather than wander off into the land of hypothetical answers that spiritual people usually give to answers like this, it is best to simply work towards developing a better one on one relationship with God or the universe or whatever you want to call this omnipotent consciousness. I don’t want to sit here trying to convince you that God is on your side, it’s obnoxious to hear and you have mountains of proof to the contrary. So… instead, I want you to consider and attempt the following:
1. I want you to get out a piece of paper and write down all the proof you can think of for God or the universe being against you. And with each item of proof, I want you to “shoot holes in the evidence”. This means, think of ways that each item of proof is not actually good proof that the universe is against you. Involve other people in this process if you just can’t see how to shoot holes in the evidence. If you feel that the universe is against you, you feel like a victim to circumstances. So without slipping into self-blame, look for the ways that you helped create those circumstances. What choices did you make that helped to create those circumstances. Also, try to see how each item of proof might instead be proof that the universe is FOR you. How did each thing benefit you?
2. Start a “How God Is On My Side” Journal. This is an advanced version of the synchronicity journal. You have to write down how God helped you. Start with your past and then gradually make this a daily thing. Every day, you have to write how God was on your side. For example, let’s say you rolled your car. This could seem like God is against you. But what if you rolled your car on the one patch of dirt that was on the highway? Or what if a plumber flooded your basement and the floors had to be redone, but you already wanted to re do them and now, you don’t have to be the one to pay for it? These are two ways the universe is on your side. What even worse scenario could have happened but didn’t? When we feel like the universe is against us, we ignore the ways the Universe is on our side and focus on how it is against us. I’ll give you a tip, you want to look for the silver lining. Even little things that you feel gratitude for, like a flower in the sidewalk, are ways the universe is adding to your happiness and is therefore on your side. And yes, synchronicities are ways the universe is on your side too.
3. Start to open up dialogue with God or The Universe. To understand how to do this, watch my YouTube video titled “Letters to God” 4. Consider the following… You are indivisible from the universe and thus you are an extension of God. And as such, what reflects in the universe at large is a reflection of us. And so, instead of “The Universe is Against Me” consider the truth “I am against me.” How is this true? Think of all the ways the universe is against you. Does it kick you while you’re down? Does it take everything you love away from you? Does it expect perfection from you and punish you when you fail? How are you doing each of these things to yourself?
5. If you feel that the universe is against you, you do not trust that the universe has your best interest at heart. And because the universe is a reflection of you, you can guarantee that you do not trust yourself. Most of all, you do not trust yourself to keep yourself emotionally safe. So developing self-trust is crucial. For this reason, I want you to watch my video on YouTube titled: “How To Trust Yourself”.
6. Right your perceived wrongs. There is no right or wrong within this universe. That is a judgment that the universe does not make. But it doesn’t matter. If we think the universe is against us, we are living according to right and wrong and for now; we must work within that belief structure. If we feel the universe is against us, we feel powerless and usually very guilty. Why else would the universe punish us? So I want you to think about what exactly it is that you did that was so wrong. What did you do that was wrong enough to displease God or the universe? Now, take your power back by figuring out how you could make up for those perceived wrongs. How could you make it better or demonstrate that you are correcting your mistakes? And once you find out the answer, take action. Make positive lifestyle changes.
It must be said that many of us feel God is against us, not because of something that we did specifically but because of something wrong or bad that we are. This is called Shame. If you struggle with shame, watch My Video on YouTube Titled: “How to Overcome Shame”.
7. Meditate. Meditation allows you to actually experience God or the universe at large beyond your mind and emotions. Much of what anyone tells you about the goodness of the universe cannot be just heard and accepted, it must be directly experienced. Being disciplined about meditation every day is one of the best ways to do that. Try out all kinds of different meditation techniques to find the one that works best for you specifically.
8. Recognize that if we could not get much positive attention from our parents, we most likely latched onto negative attention because it is still attention. Any kind of attention is better than being ignored. So there is a bit of an incentive to believing the universe is against you. If the universe is against you, it must mean you have a bit of power and that you matter. Why would the universe go to all that trouble for someone who posed no threat and who did not matter?
9. When we feel that the universe is against us, it is usually because of a disappointment or a string of disappointments. We make disappointment mean that the powers that be are against us being happy. And yes, we make it a very individual thing with this belief: “Disappointing things happen to me and not to others”. You can bet that we struggled with disappointment as children and have not achieved resolution about those disappointments yet. We also expect disappointment in the future so we worry and succumb to catastrophic thinking as well. For this reason I want you to watch my YouTube videos titled: “Disappointment (How to Get Over Disappointment)”, “How To Stop Worrying” and “Catastrophizing”.
We also need to look for the ways that disappointing things do happen to other people, not just us and that it is devastating to them as well when it does. This helps us to not feel so singled out. If you need, you can ask people to reveal their disappointments to you as well as how it made them feel.
10. Alter your perspective about ‘negative’. We live in a happy obsessed world. Anything less than happy is not ok. This is because we have learned that it is not ok to feel. Therefore, when we get into really low spaces where we are in pain, we try to do anything we can to feel different and get happy this minute. But in these low vibrational places struggling to feel better is like struggling to escape a spider’s web. The more you struggle, the more stuck you get. We need to instead see that these dark nights of the soul might actually be necessary. They might actually be a springboard for a much better place in life. When we are really struggling, what is usually happening is that we are in a phase of deep healing. Things are coming up to be faced and cleared. These are phases of metamorphosis. Think of it as a purification process. And can you know 100% that you shouldn’t be feeling bad? Perhaps this is the universe helping you to see and clear the blocks you have between you and bliss.
11. If we feel that the universe is against us, we feel unsafe and unprotected. We feel conspired against. We feel targeted. For this reason, I want you to Watch My YouTube video titled: “Psychic and Energetic Protection”
12. If we feel like the universe is against us, we do not truly believe we create our own reality. We may want to believe that, but we do not yet. We believe the world happens TO us. We do not see that thought turns into things. So it is time to actually put manifestation to the test. Start with something small. Something you do not have much strong positive or negative emotion about. Like chickens. Focus on chickens, visualize chickens, imagine then with as much clarity as you can muster. And then watch for how they show up in your reality. You’ve got to prove to yourself that you can create reality to stop fearing that the universe is going to create your life for you and so you are helpless to whether the universe thinks you should or shouldn’t get to experience what you want.
Ultimately, you are not separate from God, Source, The Universe or whatever you want to call it. This omnipotent consciousness permeates all life; all things are made of it. Even as Jesus spoke of being the son of God, his words when translated lost their meaning. The word he was using is more accurately translated to “continuation of” or “extension of” which is how they saw progeny back then. What does this mean? It means God does not differentiate between itself and you. You are essentially a microcosm of the whole of that which we call God. And as such, you are imbued with the same power to create and to choose. This is the heart of free will. This is why God does not judge whether what you create is right or wrong or whether what you chose to focus on is right or wrong. This world is an impartial, neutral reflection of what we choose to focus on and think about. This means, if we carry around belief patterns that the world is against us, the universe will reflect situations to us that feel that way. And why would God intervene and stop us from this suffering? Because it would mean that God judged our belief, choice or creation as wrong. It cannot hold that perspective. It is through our experience of thinking, having those thoughts reflected to us and deciding what we would prefer that God even knows what it is or isn’t. God is in a process of self-actualization by projecting forth into different perspectives, in your case a different human perspective. There is no pre-determined state of perfection to reach. God cannot see any aspect of itself as powerless. If you are not separate from God, but instead an extension of God with your own perspective and free will, why would God doubt your inner guidance so much as to stop all the bad things from happening here? These things would not happen if there was not some purpose for them happening. And when we judge all negative feeling things as bad, we mentally acknowledge that they shouldn’t be happening and that there is no purpose for them. We miss the gift inherent in the experience.
Often years after disappointments and painful circumstances occur, we look back and because hindsight is 20-20, we can clearly see how the very thing we thought was the road to our demise, was the road to our freedom and joy. This is when we begin to see that everything comes to bless us to the degree that we begin to trust instead of distrust God. It is highly unfair for you to expect yourself to see this while your smack in the middle of a seemingly unfair and tragic circumstance. So don’t force yourself to be grateful for something you truly are not grateful for. Instead develop an openness to the possibility that one day you will see the greater divine purpose in all of this and that it just might be different than you think. It takes practice to change a belief that we have lots of proof for. Chances are, you’re not going to wake up one day and instantly feel the love that God or this universe holds for you and feel that everything is on your side. But you can begin to develop a different relationship with God or the universe and begin to see and feel its connection to you and by doing so begin to live in a state of peace with the universe. I challenge you today. Instead of asking in an attitude of doubt, “If God loved me, why would this bad thing have happened or be happening” ask in an attitude of curiosity “Assuming God loves me, why did this thing happen or why is it happening?”
Your mind is meant to be a tool that you can use to assist your intention for this life. But this is simply not the reality for most people. For most of us, our mind uses us. When painful things happen, our mind is pulled into the vibrational range of the event that occurred and is then a point of attraction to which like-thoughts are drawn. Soon, we are spiraling downwards and spiraling fast. You are the junction where two aspects of you meet, your eternal aspect and your temporal aspect. The way you feel is really about the vibrational similarity or difference between these two aspects of you. If they are far apart in vibration you experience negative emotion and if they are close together, you experience positive emotion. Your thought influences the vibration you hold. Therefore, you can use your awareness of emotion and deliberate thought to close that vibrational distance between your eternal self and your temporal self. The mainstream psychology community would call this process self-soothing. So I’m going to introduce you to a self-soothing process that bridges the distance between your eternal self and your temporal self. I like doing this process through writing or typing, but some people can do it in their heads.
Just as you would if you were planning on getting from point A to point B and had a map sitting in front of you, you are going to first decide where point A is and then you’d decide where point B is. And then you’d figure out how to bridge the distance between point A and point B.
Point A is decided by answering three questions.
1. What negative thing happened? What negative thoughts did it cause me to think? How did it make me feel?
Point B is going to be decided by answering three questions.
2. What did this experience cause me to know that I want? What did this experience cause me to know that I want to think? What did this experience cause me to know that I want to feel?
And now, the final step in the process is that you are going to bridge the distance between where you are (point A) and where you want to be (point B) by thinking or writing down anything that causes you to feel a little bit better and a little bit better than that and a little bit better than that until you feel as if the things you have written for Point B are reachable, accessible, believable or current truth.
Here is an example of a self-soothing process.
What happened: I wrote my crush a letter six days ago and he has not responded to it at all. He has not been contacting me at all.
What thoughts did it cause met to think: It caused my to think that I am worthless I am unsafe, that I was stupid for writing that letter that no one cares about me.
How did it make me feel: Uncertain, unstable, confused, sick to my stomach, afraid, punished, like I did something wrong. Afraid of the future, worried, waiting for the axe to fall, unsafe, at his mercy, not cared about, like I’m falling for a merciless person. Abandoned. Forsaken. Alone. Unresolved, like there’s no solution, stuck and in a purgatory of waiting.
What did it cause me to know that I want: I want to have a partner in my life who prioritizes the way I feel and who wants to actively work towards resolve and solution badly when conflict arises. I want someone who creates the third entity of the marriage with me and puts effort into it. I want someone who genuinely cares that I feel good and does what it takes to add to my happiness and take away distress. I want a man who values my time and values me enough to not make me wait on him to decide things. I want healthy boundaries.
What thoughts did it cause me to know I want to think? I want to think, “My partner loves and values me” I want to think, “my happiness matters and the people in my life love me enough to add to it”. I want to think, “I am emotionally safe”.
What did it cause me to know I want to feel? I want to feel empowered. I want to feel valued and like I am special. I want to feel excited for the future. I want to feel safe and feel the trust inherent in knowing I can keep myself safe.
Bridge the distance:
It is understandable why I feel this way, I expect to lose love and be punished every time I do something that displeases someone because that is what my mom did to me all growing up. Now I’m feeling like love should feel this way. But I’m open to the idea that it doesn’t need to be that way. Mom taught me that love is painful. In truth, I don’t have to feel like an idiot because I’m trauma bonded with this man so I feel like if I don’t latch on, I’ll be harmed by him or abandoned by him and thus and hurt by someone else. I am seeing that connection should feel good because it feels loving and supportive and warm, not because it is the only guarantee of not getting hurt. This is not an emotionally safe relationship. And I’m dedicated to keeping myself safe. I can close the door to this pattern of mine without closing the door to the person. To me, closing the door to the pattern would mean I would spend my time focusing on what I like to do and remind myself that I do not want to spend my life chasing after a man. I can’t know 100% why he is not writing back. I might in fact not be hearing back because of all the healing I’ve been doing lately. He might not be in my presence because I am now a match to a different kind of man, one who is committed and who honors my boundaries and who cherishes me and really wants a relationship with me. By not pursuing a man and leaving the ball in their court, I’m selecting for a man who really wants to “play in the game”. I am excited for someone who will not be passive in my life. I am so looking forward to the feeling of being with a man who really wants to be with me. I am so looking forward to being with a man who puts real effort into the relationship and real effort into my happiness/wellbeing. I am so looking forwards to being with a man who feels so lucky to have found me. I am feeling that a man who is capable of really participating in my life is right around the corner, waiting for me and that he will come into my life according to the law of attraction not because of bells and whistles. I’m super proud that I haven’t contacted him since writing that letter and I haven’t begged him to tell me what he’s thinking. I’ve been playing this correctly saying “you come forward and if you don’t come forward, I’ll eventually take that as your answer.” A solution is on its way. I don’t have to know until I know. Each day is getting better and better so one day I really will have the answer and I will have resolve and I will have closure. It’s ok to be where I am.
There is only one wrong way to do this process and that is by not being tuned into your emotions enough to know whether a thought makes you feel better or worse. Think of this like paving a bridge between where you are and where you want to be. Follow the feeling of relief. But express as much as you need to in order to find relief. We might find that we need to express a lot of anger in order to feel good when we think a pessimistic thought. The exercise can be ended whenever you feel relief relative to the whole situation. Feel free to involve other people in this process if you feel inclined.
It takes a bit of practice. But by doing this process, you are consciously deciding to alter your vibration relative to a subject. You are consciously drawing closer to the things you want to have manifest in your life, you are releasing resistance to unwanted things and you are experiencing the empowerment of being able to self sooth. This is an exercise I use in my own life on a weekly basis at least. So I encourage you to try it. And remember whatever you make a habit, your brain will learn to do on it’s own!
When we become aware of this aspect of life, we begin to live our lives differently. We begin to allow the qualities of that consciousness to penetrate through our lives. We become living embodiments of that consciousness. This is what the concept of living Buddha or living Christ or becoming an embodiment of the higher self is all about. This incorporeal, united consciousness is imbued with certain qualities such as unconditional love and awareness and spaciousness and presence and creation and destruction and stillness and expansion etc. Spiritual teachers are here to help people to allow these specific qualities to shine through them. But spiritual teachers tend to focus on or specialize in teaching other people to embody one of these qualities, whichever one they determine from their individual identity is most important to embody. This would not be a travesty if this united consciousness were straightforward. But it is not. It contains many contradictions. For example, one of the qualities of source is stillness; the other is expansion (which is a kind of movement). A teacher of stillness can teach stillness to the degree that their disciples reject expansion and thus disallow themselves from embodying the expansion aspect of their higher self and experiencing the beautiful gifts inherent in that experience. A teacher of expansion can teach expansion to the degree that their disciples reject stillness and thus disallow themselves from embodying the stillness aspect of their higher self and experiencing the beautiful gifts inherent in that experience.
It is in the merging of these beautiful dichotomies that the progression of this world and human consciousness lies. The dichotomy that holds the most potential for right now is still presence vs. creation. You are familiar with the concept of embodying the creation aspect of universal consciousness. This is the idea taught through so many channeled entities. It is the ability to create your own reality with the mind; to achieve all of your desires and to use your wanting along with your emotional guidance system to get you there. Creation causes expansion… movement within the united consciousness. You are also familiar with the concept of embodying the still presence aspect of universal consciousness. This is the idea taught by so many yogis and meditation experts. It is the being completely present in the now, in a way where one dis-identifies with thoughts, which halts the momentum of thought and allows one to exist in a state of pure being, experiencing oneself as the stillness or space in which thoughts and emotions take place. Teachers of both disciplines tend to reject the opposing discipline, arguing that it takes disciples further away from becoming the true embodiment of their higher self. In other words, many teachers of still presence argue that creation causes one to become completely identified with the wanting of the ego and thus ignorant to the eternal self. Many teachers of creation argue that still presence causes one to exempt themselves from participation in life and more importantly participation in universal expansion. Both can be correct about the other because each is sitting in a perspective where they can clearly see the unconscious or shall we say shadow aspect of the opposing discipline. But what each is missing is the gifts inherent in each other’s discipline. Each holds the key for the other because each dichotomy holds the key for avoiding the shadow potential in the other. We are not meant to live our lives in a state of waking meditation any more than we are meant to become consumed in endless seeking by the ego.
In other words, it is the practice of still presence that enables the practice of creation to occur without a practitioner falling into completely identifying with the wanting of the ego and thus becoming ignorant to the eternal self. It is the practice of creation that enables the practitioner of still presence to practice still presence without falling into exempting themselves from participation in life and expansion. Call this a marriage or a union of opposites.
We can see what the beautiful union of dichotomies would practically look like by witnessing the natural progression through the practice of spirituality in the following 3 steps. 1. First we become interested in embodying the creation aspect of universal consciousness. We learn that we can create our own reality and so we go to town intentionally using our mind to create what we desire. But we are creating almost entirely from the ego. This was the issue with the movie “The Secret”. This is in truth what felt “off” about it to many people. 2. We become aware of the ego, both the light side of the ego and the shadow of the ego. This begins a process of dis-identification with the ego so that we have a direct experience, not just a conceptualization of the fact that we are two points of perspective. We are the junction of the eternal, non physical self and the temporal self that we call by our name.
3. We now create intentionally, but our ego is used consciously by the eternal self to create in alignment with its omniscient consciousness and as such, we are walking, breathing embodiments of this universal consciousness. We are creators, but we are fully conscious creators. In short, we go from unconscious creators to conscious beings to conscious creators.
I urge you to consider that all of the practices that spiritual teachers offer are in fact merely tools to enable you to allow yourself to become the embodiment of universal consciousness and the various qualities inherent in that consciousness. Becoming attached to a specific spiritual quality or a specific tool to help you to actualize a specific quality could cause you to disallow the others, especially the ones on the opposite side of the scale. This is really what the Buddha recognized when he discovered the middle path. Time will see us learning to developing the choice and thus the flexibility to fully embody all of the qualities of source consciousness equally, even the seeming dichotomies. We will take thought beyond what it has been before, and thus fully participate in expansion. We will also experience pure being in a state of spacious presence. They will take place within us like a perfect blend of stillness and movement, like a beautiful dance between darkness and light.
We encounter various experiences in our day-to-day life. Some we could consider positive and some we could consider negative. But the quality of our experience relative to those experiences is flavored by one thing and that is the meaning that we assign to the experience. It is well known that the experience of labor and birth can be drastically more or less painful from one mother to the next based on the meaning she assigns to the experience. Two people’s experience of the same event is often drastically different based on the fact that they interpret different meaning out of the same experience. Think of it this way… if you started uncontrollably vomiting right now and you thought that the meaning of the experience was that you didn’t wash your hands well enough and had caught a deadly virus, your experience of that event would be drastically worse than if you thought that the meaning of the experience was that your body had begun to cleanse itself of all the toxins within itself so as to become renewed to a state of health. It is critical to recognize that there is a difference between what actually happens and the meaning of what happens. We must see that meaning does not inherently exist in the world in and of itself. Therefore, meaning does not inherently exist in a situation. It is an interpretation. And it is best not to confuse interpretation with truth. If meaning does not inherently exist in an experience, we must and do assign it to the experience and then we mistake the event and the meaning of the event for the same thing. Think of this like peanut butter and jelly. Peanut butter is the experience, jelly is the meaning we assign to the experience and if we stir the two together, we mistake them for one thing… a third substance. This disallows us to see the truth of an experience. We must learnt to separate the peanut butter from the jelly, or the experience from the meaning if we are ever to regain a sense of truth and learn to select meaning that benefits us instead of destroys us. If you think this idea of assigning meaning to events doesn’t sound too serious, consider that you can destroy your whole life based on the meaning you assign to an event. Case in point, a little girl asks her dad to play dolls at 3 years old, but he is on the phone. He yells at her to stop bugging him. This is a traumatic experience for her at three years old. She takes it personally. Now let’s pretend the meaning she assigns to this event is “I am insignificant to my dad”. That was not the meaning of the experience of the event for the father, the meaning for the father was, ‘I’m busy right now’. But the moment that little girl assigns that meaning to the event, it is as if a colored lens comes up over her eyes (demonstrate) and from that moment on, all things that happen between her and her father are filtered through that colored lens. The truth is now colored and distorted by that perception that the meaning creates. Every time something happens between the father and daughter that causes her to feel bad, it will automatically strengthen that meaning she’s perceiving her life through.
The colored lens gets thicker and thicker until anything that doesn’t reinforce it, cannot pass through. This father could really love her daughter more than anything in his life and do all kinds of loving things, but it will not matter because all his actions are now being filtered through the lens of the meaning she adopted at 3 years old. The father has no idea why she is so angry with him as she grows up. The girl in this scenario is likely to grow up believing she is insignificant to men, just like she was to daddy and will end up in relationships with emotionally unavailable men, covering up her misery with various addictions, wondering why her self esteem is so damn low. Looking at this analogy of the colored lens, doesn’t this account for why two people perceive the same thing so differently?
What I want you to consider is that the painful meaning you assigned to your experiences, was never the actual meaning of those experiences. What we must consider is that we’ve been punishing people or avoiding them for a meaning that we, ourselves assigned to that experience with them. What we must consider is that much of the pain we are experiencing in our lives is not because of what we actually experienced but because of the meaning we’ve assigned to those experiences. Doesn’t this also make much more sense why we tend to be so confused about other people’s defensive behavior? It is important to note that conflicts about interpretation of meaning account for the majority of our more than frequent miscommunications with others. Take a look back over your earliest memories. With each memory ask yourself, what did I decide that it meant? What did I think was the meaning of the experience? Then imagine that at that moment, your ‘meaning glasses’ went on and you interpreted everything that was to follow up into your adulthood through those lenses. Does some of your life make more sense now? Do some of your relationships make sense now? What if the meaning you assigned to an event was not an accurate interpretation? I am going to propose that from this day forward, whenever we encounter a trigger or an event that causes us pain, we ask ourselves, “What am I making this mean?” So that we can discern the difference between what is actually happening and what we think the meaning of the experience is. This gives us the opportunity to set the record straight. For example, let’s say that someone gives you a really crappy birthday present and you feel your heart sink. Ask yourself “what am I making this mean? And the answer may be, ‘he or she doesn’t really care enough about me to figure out what I like and want’. At this point, instead of assuming that what actually happened is that they demonstrated that they do not care about you, you can either question this meaning you have assigned to the experience or you can authentically inform the other person of what you are making it mean and ask if that is in fact the actual meaning. This gives them an opportunity to set the record straight. It also gives you the ability to not put those meaning glasses on in the first place and thus to remain illusion free.
Separate out the peanut butter from the jelly and question the jelly. In other words, separate out the events that occur from the meaning you interpret from and assign to the event then question the meaning instead of assuming it. Take off those glasses that you put on so long ago… And prepare for your whole world to become a whole lot clearer.
Why do I use the word addiction? Because we can use comfort to cover over something we are trying to avoid, we develop a dependence on it to the point that if it is taken away, we have extreme reactions to it as if we were in withdrawal, we limit ourselves and our lives while inside our comfort zone and yet we continue to stay in it even when we know it is harming us. This is in fact the criteria for an addiction.
As people (especially the older we get), we spend our time justifying staying comfortable and justifying where we are. Justification is like the jail bars keeping you in this comfort zone and keeping you away from a better life. If you went to jail willingly, without the beliefs you associate with jail and without other convicts you could see how jail would feel pretty safe. You know what you’re going to be doing every day, you get regular meals, and you have a routine that protects you from uncertainty and risk. No one new is coming in or going out. That is what life is like inside your comfort zone. But it is not self-loving to stay there because no matter how comfortable it feels, it is still a prison, it keeps you from your true desires, which require risk and it keeps you from your true self, which requires change. Most people on earth live their lives in this kind of prison to one degree or another. Some of these prisons are more ornately luxurious than others, but they are prisons all the same.
We have to learn to recognize the jail bars. To do this, we have to take a good look at our justifications. The very rational, mature reasons we give ourselves for why we cannot do something we feel inspired to do or even know we must do. When we justify, we are more committed to proving that where we are or what we are doing or have done in the past is right than we are to things like happiness and love. We use our reasons and justifications to deny ourselves expansion. And so we have to decide if it is more important to be right or more important to feel joy.
For example, I could feel compelled to paint. But the justifications I could use to not act on that inspiration enough to actually paint is that I don’t know how, It would cost money to get paints, I was never an artist type, I wouldn’t know what to draw, I don’t have enough time, I am just too busy to have gotten around to it etc. And these justifications seem very reasonable to me, but all of you listening to this can feel the limitation or prison bars I am imposing on myself and my life. Take a look at your life; what areas are you the most unhappy about? If you can recognize what is unwanted, this means you have already given rise to the idea of what is wanted instead. And the minute that happens, new ideas and opportunities happen upon you. Why aren’t you acting on those opportunities, why aren’t you doing that thing you want to do? Take a look at all of those justifications and either question them one by one, finding thoughts that contradict them enough that you can let them go, or simply see them for the prison bars that they are and walk right through them. If you need a fresh outside perspective, go get it… offer up your resilient justifications to other people and allow those justifications to be slaughtered in front of your eyes. Just make sure you don’t pick someone equally imprisoned who would like to use you and your justifications as a justification to stay in their own comfort zone prison.
Beware the trap of preparation. Preparation is as good as it does, I don’t need to explain the obvious merit in preparation, but preparation can be yet another ‘reason’ you give yourself to stay in your comfort zone prison. One day you will reach the point where you realize you can’t plan anymore and that planning itself is keeping you from living today. And I’ll tell you a secret, the most fulfilling experiences in life, the real stuff of life, you’ll never be fully prepared for or ready for no matter how much you prepare.
Admit that you’re scared. Name your fear. Guess what, we’re all scared. We do not need to fight our fear any more than we need to deny it. We need to metaphorically pick it up like the crying child that it is and carry it with us tenderly while we move forward anyway. Pain and fear are a call to become more present, conscious and aware, not an indication that what is occurring is wrong.
Let’s get this one out of the way quick… you’re not going to get everything right. For all you perfectionists out there, you’re in good company feeling absolutely terrified at what I just said. But if you think about it, it is also a kind of freedom. If you’re not going to ever be able to get everything right, I mean if it’s literally not possible because the game is rigged because you don’t have all the information you need to play the game perfectly, then what’s left to do? To give up on the pressure you’re putting on yourself and simply chose what you think is the most right for yourself in any given moment, knowing that you could be right or you could be wrong; but you did the best with what you had from where you were and that’s enough.
People don’t want to be vulnerable. But this is what we are. We are vulnerable because life itself involves the possibility of uncertainty, risk and hurt. The people who live the lives worth living here are those who own that vulnerability instead of push it away because there is gold inherent in vulnerability too. With vulnerability comes the possibility of love and joy and expansion. Also, nothing makes us feel more vulnerable when it comes to getting outside our comfort zones than uncertainty, for this reason I want you to watch my video on YouTube titled “How to Deal With Uncertainty”.
If you want to practice getting out of your comfort zone, begin switching up little things. Throw a wrench in predictability. Do them differently. For example, take a different route to work, learn something new, eat something different for breakfast, and take someone up on an offer you’d usually refuse.
A good technique you can use as a tool until you learn to fully embody your own unique expression of source consciousness and be confident in yourself is to pick someone that you feel is totally confident and brave and free as a role model. It could be someone alive or deceased, someone real or make believe, a famous historical figure perhaps and ask yourself what they would do and model your behavior according to that. For example, let’s say your role model was Albert Einstein, if you’re faced with a scary decision or stuck in the prison of your justifications, ask yourself, “What Would Einstein Do?” And then do that!
If it were up to me, you’d live your whole life free of the justifications that keep you from your dreams but for today, I give you a challenge… I want you to select one thing that you have been keeping yourself from doing because of your justifications and do it this week.
We so often live our lives as if there will always be more to live, we put things off until tomorrow, and then tomorrow and then tomorrow to avoid the discomfort of facing them. But what if there is no tomorrow? What is the point of the lives we are living today if tomorrow never comes? So many people live their life sensibly, only to arrive at death carefully. This is a waste of life. You are going to die one day and you never know when and so must know somewhere deep inside you that you did not come here to live a careful life. So break down the jail bars, lay aside your justifications and go in the direction that your heart is calling you. Any bumps and bruises you could possibly accrue along the way, will all be worth it.
We all know the dangers involved with falling into victim mentality. Why? Because spiritual teachers and psychologists and self help gurus have been warning you about these dangers for years. The ego often uses victimhood as a way to ensure it’s own survival or shall we say positive self-image. And the problem with the ego is that it can make positive relationships, which are the heart of our life, really hard if not impossible to pull off. But today, I am not here to tell you anymore about the dangers of victim mentality. I’m here to expose a hidden egoic pitfall that exists to the opposite extreme… Those who are dedicated to never seeing themselves or being seen as the victim. In today’s world there is so much shame inherent in victim mentality that many of us do whatever we can to give the impression that we are NOT feeling like a victim when we are, and that we do not see ourselves as the victim when we do. The raw truth is that we feel hurt and we feel helpless. Our relationships absolutely depend on our ability to be completely authentic about how we feel. So when we cannot be authentic about feeling hurt and feeling helpless, we cannot culture positive relationships. We are instead manufacturing a façade so that we will look good to ourselves and to others.
The unhealthy Ego is concerned with power. Not the good kind of power (like empowerment), the kind of power that needs something to be less powerful in order to feel powerful by comparison. And the ego can gain this power by being the good guy. People who are trapped in victimhood mentality are after the kind of power that belongs to someone being righteous or good. But the ego that is concerned with being righteous or good needs someone to be the bad guy to exist. Similarly, an ego can gain power by being the victor. People who are trapped in victor mentality are after the kind of power that belongs to someone superior and strong. This kind of person cannot ever admit to vulnerability. This kind of ego may be unwilling to admit to any negative emotions at all. Or it may not have a real problem with expressing anger or negative emotional states that it perceives as strong, while refusing to admit to negative emotional states that it perceives as weak. This ego crumbles at the thoughts of admitting to fear and especially hurt. Admitting that their feelings got hurt is like a death sentence. This ego thinks that by denying vulnerability, especially any notion of victimhood, it is a victor. It was won. We get to choose between being in polarity such as right and thus making someone wrong, or good and thus making someone bad, superior and thus making someone inferior, justified and thus making someone unjustified. OR love. You cannot have both. Separation into self and other or love is your basic choice in every moment of interpersonal interaction. Another way of saying this is we get to struggle for power of we get love. The ego that is concerned with being a victor is on a disguised power trip, a power trip that is disguised as virtuosity. We mistake for strength and a power trip that we commend and approve of. I meet with people so often who refuse to acknowledge their powerlessness, pain, disappointment and hurt to themselves or to anyone else because they don’t want to see themselves as succumbing to victim mentality and they don’t want anyone else to see them this way. This is especially true if we are in a ‘you create your own reality’ or ‘positive focus’ community. We will avoid admitting to anything that suggests we felt hurt by someone else because we know it will be turned back on us and invalidated just as fast as we say it. Consider that the willingness to be vulnerable enough to admit to feeling hurt can be the opposite of victimhood. Consider that we can share our experience of feeling hurt, powerless or afraid without blame or attack, but instead simply to authentically share our experience. This allows us to own what is ours and the other person to own what is theirs and create repair in the relationship so that we reconnect with one another.
If you have an ego that is addicted to seeing itself as the victor and never the victim, Ask yourself the following: “How is sharing how you feel, even if how you feel is hurt, the opposite of being a victim? Pretending to feel differently than how we really feel comes at a serious cost no matter whether or not we are doing so to avoid something we have decided is unacceptable. We are out of alignment with our own sense of integrity. We cannot address our real feelings, instead they become suppressed.
The universe is full of contradictory truths. This is because the universe is multi dimensional and so a truth from one universal perspective is “all is well” and at another, where children are losing their limbs to grenades at war, a truth is “the world is screwed up”. Both of these truths are true. So at one level of the universe, it is a truth that there is no such thing as a victim. Sometimes this perspective or truth serves us greatly. At another level of the universe people do get hurt by each other. Just think about the Nazi concentration camps and you’ll see this truth. We run into trouble when we try to use universal truths to invalidate other universal truths instead of learning to hold and honor contradictory truths. What do we know about invalidated feelings? They do not resolve themselves. If we feel hurt by someone else, it is important to own up to that instead of simply invalidate that feeling in ourselves by using the universal truth that there is no such thing as a victim. When we feel hurt by something that someone said or did, it is like a tear in the fabric of our connection. If we do not address the tear that occurred, it will not heal, it will fester. It will turn into resentment and distance between us. If we do address it, in a way where we own our feelings that occurred as a result of whatever happened (rather than telling them what they did wrong and blaming our hurt on them) we open the door for relationship repair, relief, healing and even greater closeness and intimacy.
If you’re scared, say you’re scared. If you don’t know, say you don’t know. If you made a mistake, say you made a mistake. If you feel hurt, say you’re hurt. If you’re in love, say you’re in love. Be as transparent and real as you possibly can be. It is useless to expect yourself to stop caring what other people think. You are going to care, we all are. We all care what other people think. But we have the choice to let that caring imprison us or not. Be real and transparent even with the fear that they will think poorly of you because it ‘looks bad’ because honestly whether it’s today or years from now, you will come to find it is too painful and impossible to live any other way. Don’t believe me? Just try to ‘look good’ for two groups of people with opposing values at the same time. Being vulnerable means opening yourself up to the risk of being hurt because the potential pay off of opening up is greater than the risk of being hurt. In order for connection to happen, we must allow ourselves to be seen and felt and heard. Our capacity for love is hidden like a seed in the vulnerability that we keep so carefully guarded behind our egos and our ego’s many defenses. Ask yourself, if I knew that being hurt was inevitable and there was no way to avoid it, how would I live my life differently? What risk would I take right now that I haven’t been taking? My favorite quote of all time which just so happens to be from Anais Nin really does say it all… "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
Hopelessness is one of the lowest vibrational frequencies on earth and the one that causes people to commit suicide. Why does it lead people to commit suicide? Because hopelessness is a feeling state that tells you, you will suffer forever. This causes you to think…if there is no way to improve the situation, you can guarantee one thing about your future, pain. No one would stick around for that. If you have experienced trauma in childhood, especially abuse of any kind, this feeling of hopelessness is most likely deeply ingrained and continues to reappear in your life. And who blames you? You did experience a situation where you were trapped and powerless to do something about it. Anyone would struggle with hopelessness if they found themselves in that situation. And if you currently feel hopelessness, it is important to know that nothing has gone wrong if you feel that way. The way you feel is an accurate reflection of the thoughts you are thinking about whatever conditions you find yourself in. Anyone who experienced those conditions and thought those thoughts as a result of it would feel the exact same way.
But if you are in a state of hopelessness, here is what to do...
Whatever you do, do not try to focus positively and do not try to think happy thoughts. Don’t you dare write a single affirmation or even look at one. This will only serve to make matters worse and make you feel more hopeless. Hopelessness functions like a spider’s web. The more desperate you feel to try hard with effort to get out of it, the more ensnared you become. When you are feeling hopeless, you’ve already entered into anything you do with an attitude of “it’s not going to work”.
You have two options: The first option, which is a more short-term solution, is to completely distract yourself. This means get your attention off of the thoughts you are thinking and the conditions you are in and place your focus on anything that feels better because it captures your full attention. For example, you could read a book, watch a stand up comic, play a video game, play a sport or something else and when you feel your emotional state improve, and then you can begin to deliberately focus positively or do some other activity that is specifically designed to improve your mood. The one thing you want to watch for with this option is it can be tempting to use distraction as a permanent state of escapism from life itself. The second option, which is in fact my favorite because it is a much more long-term solution, is to stop trying to do anything else and instead, be completely present with the experience of hopelessness within your body. Instead of resisting it, invite it to consume you and flow through you. Give it your undivided and unconditional presence and attention. Allow the hopelessness fully. The feeling of being hopeless and trapped is a reflection of childhood experiences of helplessness. To understand this process fully, you can watch my video on YouTube titled: “How to Heal the Emotional Body”.
Dis-identify with your thoughts. To do this, you step into an observational state of being. If you are the observer of your thoughts and feelings, there must be an aspect of your consciousness that is beyond them. In other words, you must not simply be your thoughts and emotions. This awareness allows us to disconnect with that aspect of our experience. The best way to think of it is to imagine yourself as a deep, still glacial lake. Your thoughts and emotions are like ripples on the surface of that lake. They are still part of the lake, but they are not the whole lake. By sinking beneath them, you can experience yourself as the stillness underneath that is now observing the feelings and thoughts on the surface of you. You can experience them without judgment about whether they are right or wrong or about what they mean. This dis-identification is an amazing way to stop the momentum of thought which is critical when it comes to downward negative spirals. I have a meditation that will help you to do this, to try it watch my video on YouTube titled: “Mindfulness Meditation (The Observer Self).”
Once the doom has dissipated a bit after doing these things, like a fog clearing from the mountains, start a list to hang somewhere in your room in plain sight of things to look forward to. These could be little things and big things. If you don’t have anything to look forward to, start putting things in your schedule to look forward to, things that will make it feel like you actually have a tomorrow to live into. Hopelessness is the opposite vibration of things to look forward to, so this exercise will improve the way you feel. Just remember, if you’re trapped in hopelessness still, trying to do this step or the next step I’m about to give you is a bad idea that will only make you feel worse.
Every day, do a scavenger hunt (either on paper or in your head) of things you appreciate about your current life. Things that are positive and are going right. It is not possible to think a thought of appreciation or gratitude and think a thought that vibrates at hopelessness at the same time. It is like an antidote to thoughts that try to convince you that life has gone badly and is going badly and will go badly for you .
Face the issue by directly addressing the situation, which is really at hand. This situation at hand is that you feel trapped. How do you feel trapped? What do you feel trapped between or by? Keep in mind that it might be negative thoughts that you feel out of control of and trapped by. What situation feels intolerable? How am I holding myself back or holding myself prisoner right now? If there are any changes you can make to this intolerable situation, make them. Involve other people, including professionals to see the options that you most likely do not see in this seemingly futile situation. Even if we cannot control any aspect of our external circumstance that we find ourselves in, we still have control over what we are focused upon. We are interpreting circumstances and events in our lives through the lens of meaning that we are helplessly trapped. We need to be willing to ask ourselves… is it 100% true that we are trapped? All too often we are endlessly focusing on the things we can’t change about a situation instead of on the things we can. That being said, the more futile the situation seems, the more important it is to embracing uncertainty. For more on how to do this, watch my video on YouTube titled: “How to Deal with Uncertainty”.
Do activities you enjoy or used to enjoy. When we feel hopeless, ironically we give up on doing the things that cause is to feel better. So force yourself to get out and do something that you know you enjoy currently or that you used to enjoy once upon a time.
Hopelessness is in fact indicative of a need that we feel powerless to meet or to have met. And all too often, we are not even consciously aware of what the need is. The circumstance that we are experiencing is causing us to experience a deprivation for that need. So, once you discover what that need is, brainstorm other ways to get that need met. Ask directly for what you need from others as well.
Consider that if life is hopeless, then you can give up. Embrace hopelessness. This may sound counterproductive, but hopelessness functions like a spider’s web. The more you try to resist it, the more stuck in it you become. Sometimes, we have to release all resistance by just giving up in the situation we are so desperate to get out of or fix or change. This is the practice of surrender. Then we are left with the question… if it really is hopeless and there’s nothing to do but to give up on this, what can I do instead to feel just a little bit better?
Let yourself cry, even try to induce crying. Crying is a huge release. As it applies to hopelessness, crying is magic. It is an internal release of resistance. It may be just what we need to clear the fog of helplessness from our minds and thus allow clarity to return.
If you are feeling hopeless, it is tempting to think that you have given up and surrendered, but the truth is that if you feel hopeless, you have not given up; you are instead banging your head against a wall. You are in a state of resistance and you are stuck in a kind of futile desperation to change what you want to change. We have been told for all our life that the strong never surrender. But I am proposing the opposite. I am proposing that it takes even more strength to willingly surrender and to let go of what cannot be changed so that the universe may open doors to what can be. Perhaps it is when we surrender the fight that the jail bars will swing open.
You cannot have a sense of self without also simultaneously having a sense of other. Identity served universal expansion because source (otherwise known as united consciousness) could not become conscious of itself from a platform of non-identity. There was no contrast inherent in that. Oneness cannot comprehend oneness except from a vantage point of separation. Just like a fish cannot conceive of water until it has experienced air. And so, identity was conceived. A more practical way of explaining this as it relates to you is that the separate self, or ego is the necessary condition for you to experience oneness or enlightenment. Whenever we associate something with our self, we identify with it. It becomes part of us. We make it the same as us. This is what attachment really is. It is identification. And if that thing we identify with is ever threatened, we experience it as a threat to our own survival (a personal attack). One could argue that identification is a good thing when we identify with things that cause us to feel good. But the thing is, the minute we identify with something that causes us to feel good, it contains within it the seeds of it’s own opposite. Worthiness carries the seeds of unworthiness; excitement carries the seeds of disappointment. Far more troubling however, is that we often identify with things that cause us to feel bad and as such, we must keep those things alive in order to keep our own sense of self alive. A great many spiritual teachers will emphasize the importance of dis-identifying from things outside you, most especially other people. But it is my opinion that when it comes to identification, it is not other things external to us that cause us the most amount of suffering. It is identification with things we perceive to be internal to us. We are the most identified with the three primary aspects of ourselves; our body, our mind and our emotions. Each of these three aspects is inherently a different expression of source consciousness. We mistake these expressions to be the totality of who we are. A bit like a painter who has become so identified with his painting that he has forgotten that who he ultimately is, is more than his painting. We think we ARE our emotions, we ARE our body and we ARE our thoughts. And as such, we are so attached to them that they affect us immensely. They cause us to suffer. Those of us, who have painful emotions, painful thoughts or a painful body, suffer to the degree that life is a torment.
This is the reason that dis-identification is one of the highest forms of spiritual practice you can take on. In truth, you could dis-identify with just about anything. To dis-identify with something, you must identify it as different to yourself. You must see it as “other” than you. For example, if you would like to dis-identify from your own pain, all you must do is to conceptualize of your pain as a separate entity and when you experience pain, observe the pain as if you were watching this separate entity reacting. In this way, you do not take the pain personally. You have disowned it. But the most important thing you can do if you have taken on the practice of dis-identification is to dis-identify from your body, your thoughts and your emotions. What you will find is that any external identifications with other people, places and things, will fall away when you do this, because all these external identifications pass through the filter of the identification you have with your body, thoughts and emotions. The hardest part of spiritual practice is the complimentary contradictions inherent in a multidimensional universe. Ultimately, the highest truth is that all is one. The painter is one with the painting. And so, any form of dis-identification is to enhance ‘self’ and ‘otherness’ in this universe. Nothing is other than you, not your mind, not your body, not your emotions, not other people, not your kitchen table, not your dog, not the clouds nor the cement on the sidewalk. But to even see, much less experience this truth, we must first dis-identify with the very things that are keeping us locked in our own intense sense of identity. The false self is a composite of things you are identified with. Like onion layers, when we strip each thing we are identified with away to expose the truth of who and what we really are… the true self is revealed. We do not do this “separating from” process with an attitude of resistance. Instead we allow the aspects of us we are wanting to dis-identify from to fall away like rose petals exposed to the sun as a result of exposing them to our conscious awareness. This is the key. To try to push away the things you are identified with, only causes you to become more identified. It only causes you to feel rejected by yourself. You will essentially cause an intense survival reaction within yourself in response to your own self-rejection. You cannot try to take something away from yourself without hurting yourself. As it applies to body, thoughts and emotions, you cannot try hard to disconnect from those aspects of yourself without those things being perceived internally by you as self-abandonment. The way to allow these aspects to fall away is to recognize them first and foremost. I want you to take out a sheet of paper and jot down all the things you suspect you might be identified with. Yes, you can be sure that there are many more than what you will come up with. But this is a consciousness exercise. A good way to find things you’re identified with is to look at everything you call “mine” for example, the minute you say my friends, you are identified and thus attached to them. Also, everything you would put after “I am (x).” For example, the minute you say I am (sexy), you are identified with being sexy. Try to identify thoughts and beliefs you are identified with. For example, “money doesn’t grow on trees” might be a thought you are identified with. Try to recognize emotions you are identified with. The ones you are the most identified with are the ones that are chronic or come up most often. For example, disappointment might be one of them. Also, try to recognize the aspects of your body that you are identified with. For example, if you see yourself as fat, you are physically identified with being fat.
Anything you identify with will cause a strong reaction in you. The ego has owned it as part of the composite that makes up what it is. Whenever those things are threatened, the ego will go into a state of reactivity and defense. The ego has motive to maintain these aspects of our life, even if they cause us pain. It sees the loss of these things as annihilation. We can even become identified with pain and when this is the case, the ego has motive to keep us in pain. But it is the identification with pain that often leads to a crisis point, by which the pain becomes so acute that one eventually commits emotional suicide by shedding their identifications and thus identity all at once. This is what occurs during a spontaneous awakening. All this being said, the real practice is to recognize the things we are identified with as they arise. This is easiest to do with emotions. You can use strong emotions as an alarm bell, awakening you to the fact that you are identified with something and thus need to recognize something. It is a call to become intensely present and aware with your full attention on what is really occurring within you. By recognizing it, you are observing it, meaning you are in the perspective of the higher self-being present with your temporal self rather than being lost in the perspective of the temporal self. When a strong emotion arises, face it within yourself instead of reacting to it or reacting in order to try to get away from it. When you feel it, use the feeling as a reminder that this feeling is the emotional body becoming activated or charged like an electric fence (as in not me). It is not the emotion itself that is causing the suffering you feel, it is the fact that you identify with it that is causing you the pain you feel. This is all it takes to dis-identify with something.
Don’t try to stop caring about how you feel and don’t try to change how you feel. Just recognize it and let it be there. You will often experience insight coming as a result of observing the emotion. You may discover what triggered it, what meaning you assigned to the trigger and also insight about the situation that causes it to dissipate on it’s own. When it comes to negative emotions, we can see how we identify with them even in how we speak. We say, I am angry or I am sad as if those emotions are quite literally what we are. Don’t worry about this process repressing your emotions. Dis-identification is not repression or suppression. Instead it introduces choice into your emotional expression. It is helpful to think that in the moment you are becoming totally aware of your negative emotions, recognizing them and observing them without resistance to them, you are introducing the light of consciousness to them and thus, they are consumed by the light of consciousness like a filmstrip when it is burnt. When it comes to thoughts, it works the same way. By recognizing a thought and observing it and letting it be there, you do not add fuel to it. It stops attracting other like thoughts and so you have stopped the momentum of thought. This stops the negative spiral. When it comes to the body, if you think you are your body, and the body changes, you lose your identity. You can practice observing the body as if it is an experience you are currently having rather than who you are. This is the whole ‘spiritual being having a human experience’ concept. When you recognize your body, see it, feel it and consciously experience it, you are in that moment not your body. You are dis-identified with it.
You are not the ego. You are not the separate self. The minute you dis-identify with it by becoming aware of the ego or the separate self, you are in that moment, not it. You are acutely aware of who and what you are not and so the greatest obstacle between you and the true self or united consciousness is dissolved. All that remains is what you are, a state that transcends all opposites… A state of peace and unwavering grace.
Take a look at our lives. While there are some things we do specifically because we are following our joy, the bulk of things we do in our life, we do specifically to avoid and escape pain. We go to school and then work so we can guarantee we wont feel the pain of being broke. We try to be as careful as possible with selecting a partner who is a safe bet so we don’t have to feel the pain of heartbreak. We get married so we can guarantee we wont feel the pain of separation. We take that pill so we don’t have to feel the residual pain of previous traumas in our emotional body. We put money in a retirement fund so we don’t have to feel the pain of working forever. Just take a look at your life objectively and see how much of it is lived to escape or avoid pain.
This is not your fault. All species on earth are physically designed to avoid pain and gain pleasure. We are designed for the constant movement away from pain and towards pleasure. This is not a tormenting process until we add painful meaning to pain… until we make feeling pain mean something. This causes us to resist pain itself. And what do we know about resistance? Whatever we resist persists. Most of us are absolutely terrified of pain because of what we have made pain mean.
So right now, I want you to ask yourself and answer as deeply and honestly as possible from the core of your being, what do I make pain mean? Here is an example: To one person, pain might mean that they did or are doing something wrong and therefore they need to correct something or change it instantly. If they don’t correct the thing that is wrong, this might mean to them that they are unlovable, not good and unwanted which leads to being rejected and forsaken. So pain equals being rejected and alone. The physical human, being a social group species, equates being alone with death. In truth, for many of us, being isolated is worse than death. So we would prefer death to being alone. If this is the case, pain becomes a worse fate than death. If we are this person, we will become terrified of pain. If we are this person, we have made feeling pain wrong and therefore bad. We will be desperate to get out of pain the second we feel it. We will chronically ruminate and worry. Our life will be a futile, desperate attempt to control external conditions so we never feel pain. And we will be in more pain than the average person because of it.
This is what most of us think. We think pain is wrong and therefore bad. If we feel pain, we think something has gone terribly wrong. And nowhere is this truer than in the spiritual community. Modern spiritual practice has recognized that emotions serve as a compass. When we subscribe to the idea that we create our own reality with our mind, we begin to use the way we feel to indicate whether we are in the process of creating and attracting something we want to create or whether we are in the process of creating and attracting something don’t want to create. Suddenly, negative emotions and pain becomes enemy number one. Pain becomes conceptualized as an error. Pain becomes wrong. We need to drastically alter the way that we see pain. Pain is not bad or wrong. Pain is an indication that you are alive. Numbness is an indication you are not alive. Pain is also a multi dimensional experience. It involves the physical, emotional and mental aspect of our being. And it is all interrelated, meaning physical pain causes emotional and mental pain, mental pain causes emotional and physical pain, and emotional pain causes mental and physical pain. No matter whether you perceive pain as starting at a physical, emotional or mental level, it will end up involving the other two aspects of our being.
When we feel pain, it does something; it calls our attention and focus to whatever is in need of presence. This is the real reason why suffering has been the main doorway to enlightenment for so many thousands of years. The presence of your consciousness transforms suffering into awakening. Because of this, to try to make it go away shouldn’t be our goal; we need to let the pain show us what needs to be shown and known. It alerts us to where we are out of alignment. It is a crucial aspect of healing. What modern medicine will eventually figure out is that pain in fact triggers repair mechanisms. It alerts us to the aspects of ourselves that need to be brought back into alignment so that we can become whole. In fact, a while back I was teaching a group of health professionals and one of them shared this beautiful insight with me that the letters of the word pain stand for… Pay Attention Integrate Now. Pain prompts you to re-evaluate and change your life.
The purpose of life is to facilitate consciousness becoming conscious of itself. Pain calls us to become conscious of ourselves. It is the catalyst for self- knowledge. It wakes us up from our unconscious slumber and as such, people who experience pain are provided the opportunity to wake up. It is a biofeedback system telling us about ourselves. It is a messenger. All too often, when we think pain is bad, we shoot the messenger.
Pain calls for presence. When we go into pain, it puts others in the position of providing their presence, often in the form of assistance. It unites us in this way. Pain equalizes us and forces a shared experience. This has powerful implication as it applies to ourselves as well. Pain calls us powerfully into the present moment with ourselves; it causes us to fully be with ourselves. This is the opposite of self-abandonment. Being fully present with ourselves and with what is, is a high level spiritual practice, one that is forced by pain. Pain is a catalyst for expansion. The universe expands when we expand and we expand as a result of forming new preferences. Pain causes us to become acutely aware of what is authentically desired and what is not desired so that we can go in the direction of what is desired and thus expand. The entire process we call evolution is in fact the byproduct of pain. Discomfort triggers wanting and that wanting triggers an evolutionary process by which we align with our desires.
Pain creates a very empowered person. Each time pain gives us the opportunity to become aware of the cause of the pain, we must face an aspect of ourselves and our lives that scares us or that we are trying to avoid. By doing this, we become more and more non reactive, more and more present with ourselves, more and more comfortable with facing fears until the things we fear lose their power over us. We develop a kind of graceful immunity.
Pain is contrast. We need contrast to become aware. We cannot understand black without white. We could not understand or truly experience pleasure without knowing pain. In this way, pain enriches positive emotional states and in fact increases our capacity for pleasure. To the degree we have suffered, we are capable of the opposing level of joy. Pain is also the seed of compassion. We must know pain, to recognize it in another. We must know pain to care enough to create a world that is free from suffering. Pain is the catalyst to improving all of your relationships… Your relationship with life, your relationship with other people, your relationship with the universe at large and your relationship with yourself. Pain becomes suffering when pain is not responded to with presence. When it is hushed, suppressed, denied, disowned and pushed past and when unconscious meaning is added to it. You do not need to suffer because of pain. Suffering is about perception. In other words, suffering is what happens when you make pain itself mean something negative. To understand how meaning changes pain into suffering, watch my YouTube video titled: "Meaning, The Self-Destruct Button".
It is well known that pain is experienced differently by people who make the pain mean something positive instead of negative. During World War 2 it is widely reported that a great many soldiers could be operated on with little to no anesthetic because they took pride in their wounds. For these individuals, their wounds did not cause suffering because of what they meant. This tells us that we need to change the meaning we add to pain. Treat pain like a teacher and learn from your pain. Visualize the pain; see it in your mind. What color is it? What texture is it? When did it start? When, by your experience, do you expect it to stop or decrease in intensity? How big is it? Where does it exist? Where does it not exist? Explore around the pain and find the edges of it. If your pain could speak to you, what would it say? What does it need? We need to be willing to choose to be present with our pain and surrender to it to use pain to transform ourselves. See the truth that it is a companion for improvement rather than an adversary. To understand how to be present with your pain, watch my YouTube video titled “How To Heal The Emotional Body”. We often become identified with our pain. This is especially true if we have been in pain for a long time. But you are not your pain. The pain is an experience just like the ripples on the top of a lake are disturbances of the lake water; they are not the whole lake. We may benefit by dis-identifying from our pain by imagining the totality of it as a separate entity. When we feel pain, we can see that it is this pain entity that is “charged or activated” and not us. When we experience chronic pain, it means that pain is no longer an experience for us. We have not used the pain to create the change that it is telling us to make and instead, the pain has become us. It is our reality and it is our identity. The ego has now identified with it and thus sees it as crucial to its survival. We need to ask ourselves honestly the following questions: What bad thing would happen if I sat with my pain and allowed it completely instead of trying to make it go away? What would it take or what would have to happen for me to completely allow my pain? What bad thing would happen if the pain truly did go away? To understand more about dis-identification, watch my YouTube video titled “Dis-identification (The Practice of Non Attachment)”.
We are programmed in our current society not to feel. We are conditioned to believe that feeling pain is both unnecessary and a bad thing and that we’ve somehow failed. This attitude fuels all kinds of addictions by convincing us that we must escape the pain as fast as we can. It causes us to resist pain and thus feel even more pain. Next time you feel pain, remind yourself that pain is the catalyst for the true alchemy of life change. It is one of the best things that can happen to you. It is not an indication that something is wrong any more than birthing contractions are an indication that something is wrong. It is an indication that you are expanding transforming and becoming conscious and aware. You are evolving into what you are meant for. You are giving birth to a new self and a new life.
Infidelity is a betrayal of a relationship. And infidelity is a leading cause of lost friendships, breakups and divorces. Infidelity is not just about being sexually unfaithful. Infidelity is about any discontinuation of loyalty or support. And lack of allegiance. See where this blows the doors wide open for confusion? Infidelity is completely subjective. Some people have a very strict definition of fidelity and some have a very liberal definition of fidelity. It is based on belief systems, past experiences and education with regards to morality and personal preferences. If we witnessed or experienced infidelity in our childhood, we will most likely not even recognize the ways we lack fidelity. It will be a huge blind spot. This is especially true if we had a parent who was disloyal to us directly, or whose allegiance we could not trust. You will find that infidelity is perceived differently amongst cultures. For example, in some cultures, it is considered perfectly appropriate and therefore not a breech of fidelity for a man to have a mistress. In others, that would be considered wrong and bad. Though sexual infidelity is the dominant fidelity concern in modern society, emotional infidelity is in fact the number one fidelity threat to relationships. Emotional affairs are where one person is emotionally intimate with someone other than their partner where the attachment formed to the other person, negatively affects the connection or partnership. Infidelity is all about trying to get one’s own needs met. When infidelity is present, someone’s needs are not being met within a relationship so they seek them outside the relationship in ways that are damaging to the relationship itself. For example, if we feel we lack self-esteem, we may flirt to be admired by others so that need is met.
If we try to get one single person to meet every one of our needs, we are particularly at risk for infidelity because it places too much pressure on our partner. They will fail at that task and then, we will look for the needs to be met elsewhere. A person will not stay in a space of self-denial for long. Which is why we have to be clear about which needs must be met by a partner specifically and see if that is something they are willing to do. But no one can tell you which needs are appropriate to have and which needs are not. A good relationship is not about learning to have no needs. So for example, romance may be a need that must come through a partner as opposed to a friend and if this is an agreement, seeking romance outside the relationship is an infidelity. Where we run into a big barrier with fidelity is when we begin to involve morality in the picture. Arguing over what is objectively right and wrong within a relationship is futile and is also not a winnable argument because relationship conduct, especially fidelity is subjective. It is mostly based on cultural conditioning. So rather than have a conversation about fidelity based on wrongness or rightness, we need to have one based on individual perspectives and reach an agreement within the relationship that is accepted by both parties. In other words, we need to set out the parameters of fidelity within each relationship we have, whether it be a friendship or a romantic partnership as soon as possible. This provides a stable structure for conduct within the relationship. It is a platform for trust, which can be easily and innocently broken if we do not find a meeting of minds about fidelity enough to agree upon a course of conduct. Communication is not important when it comes to this agreement… it is critical. Obviously the topic of infidelity is closely related to the topic of jealousy. So don’t worry in the very near future, I’m going to do an episode on jealousy and envy. Fidelity is about both people agreeing upon the boundaries of the relationship itself as if the relationship itself were a third entity that both were in charge of. For example, one person might see venting to other people about the relationship as an infidelity and the other might not. So this leaves the door wide open for trust to be broken and so it is important to reach an agreement about this act within the relationship. Only you and the other person know what constitutes relationship infidelity so leave society’s opinion out of it.
We have to begin to define and set up boundaries for the relationships we are in. Sometimes, these are defined as you go… usually when there has been a violation. But because these boundary violations can be so detrimental to a relationship, it is best if we set them up at the very beginning. That way we can set up the rules we both play by. This can prevent us from feeling like we are walking our way through a field of buried land mines… we don’t know where the trigger is, but we seem to trip the trigger every time. You know what that kind of relationship feels like. If you have a hard time with personal boundaries, it will be very hard to create healthy boundaries for a relationship because to create healthy boundaries for the relationship itself, you have to definitively know the needs and wants of each person within the relationship. For this reason, I urge you to watch my YouTube video titled “How To Develop Healthy Boundaries”. To define boundaries within a relationship, you must communicate. You must voice your preferences and see if compromise can be reached in every area of your life where you might run into a feeling of broken trust. For example, sexual conduct, privacy concerns, time spent together vs. apart and how to handle problems in the relationship. Try to be very specific as well. For example if you’re discussing the relationship boundaries involving flirting with other people, avoid making sweeping statements like “no flirting”. Be specific about what kind of flirting is ok and what kind of flirting isn’t ok and if no flirting is ok, define what flirting is to you in practical action. An example of a specific practical boundary with regards to flirting might be no touching or no seductive eye contact with another person.
I suggest that when we begin a new relationship, we begin by answering compatibility questionnaires together. The more specific and uncomfortable the questions are to answer, the better. As long as you are able to answer truthfully, instead of by saying what you imagine the other person wants to hear. Trust me, if you experience enough painful relationships, you’ll decide it’s much better to discover you’re incompatible before you commit to the partnership. These compatibility questionnaires can flush areas of potential future infidelity to the surface. And be open to boundaries changing within the relationship as time goes on. Relationships evolve just like people do. Now we come to a very fascinating aspect of fidelity. Polyamory vs. Monogamy. Monogamy can be seen as intimacy with only one person. Polyamory can be seen as intimacy with more than one person. Intimacy is more than sex. Sex may be an aspect of intimacy, or it may not. But intimacy is the closeness that occurs as the result of sharing oneself with another. Seeing into, feeling into, listening into another and partaking of their inner world. So you see, most people on earth are in fact not solely monogamous and not solely polyamorous. They are instead a unique blend of both. To greatly simplify what I mean, lets’ pretend that under each person’s name is a line of boxes, where you can check polyamorous or monogamous. In the various areas of a relationship, any given person will be either polyamorous or monogamist. For example, one person might be romantically monogamist but polyamorous with regards to sharing intimate details about themselves like their deepest fears. Another person might be monogamist sexually and also monogamist with regards to sharing intimate details about themselves and their deepest fears. Intimacy conflicts in relationships arise when there is an incompatibility between these checked boxes. These boxes fit into the categories of physical, mental and emotional. When one is sexually polyamorous, they fit into the category of physical polyamory. When one is committed to the idea of openness and transparency, they fit into the category of emotional and even mental polyamory.
Be aware that sometimes, we are holding double standards in our relationships. These are areas where we are polyamorous and expect our partner to be ok with that, but we expect our partner to be monogamist in these same areas.
It must be said that most of the people in the spiritual field are emotionally polyamorous. And with the rare exception, if we live in an intentional community, we are actively practicing emotional polyamory at the very least. But it is more than possible to practice emotional polyamory whilst not being emotionally disloyal to a partner. Providing that a partner does not require emotional monogamy from you to feel a sense of connection and allegiance. In fact, when we have children in a relationship, we begin to practice a form of polyamory. There is a difference between infidelity and polyamory. With infidelity, we have broken an allegiance. This is what we call “cheating” or having an affair. Instead of including other people in our love, we have excluded someone from our love. We have excluded our partner or left them out of something. We are violating the connection. This is why secrecy is such a big part of infidelity. If you feel like you have to hide or keep something secret from another person, especially a partner, you have engaged in infidelity. Depending on your definition of fidelity, anything you do that is a detriment to the connection between you, can be seen as a form of infidelity. Which is why yet again, it is so crucial to define what is and isn’t considered detrimental to the connection. Complete open, honesty and compromise in this area is important to create a safe structure of fidelity for the relationship.
Defining this safe structure is often lovingly referred to by therapists as creating a ‘couple bubble’. Only you and your significant other can decide upon the parameters of that couple bubble and what pops it or maintains it. Compromise is when we give up something important for something we see as more important. But because we value the thing we are gaining by giving something up so much more, it does not lead to resentment. We see it as a good trade. When we try to give up something we value highly for something that we feel holds lesser value, we end up with resentment. This is not healthy compromise, this is sacrifice. And it’s important to know that when many people use the word compromise, they really mean sacrifice. This is out of alignment. When we develop relationships, we rarely consider whether or not we are compatible. We fall in love and think our fate is sealed. But genuine intimacy incompatibilities with regards to fidelity are rarely incompatibilities that can be worked through because they cannot be worked though in a way that compromise is satisfying to both parties. Both parties usually have to sacrifice instead of compromise and this leads to breaks in trust, resentment and disconnection. It is tempting to believe that love conquers all within a partnership, but you may want to watch my video titled “Is love enough” before you make up your mind on that account. Relationship experts keep saying that communication is the key to a good relationship. Why do they keep saying it? Because it’s the straight up truth. This is especially true when it comes to establishing fidelity in our relationships. If we don’t communicate, we set our partner up to fail and our relationship does not stand a chance. We are setting our relationships up for failure when we expect our partner to know and adhere to the parameters of our definition of fidelity. We have to tell people; especially our partner when our needs aren’t being met or our boundaries are being violated in a relationship and give them and ourselves the opportunity to work through it to find a way to accommodate those needs. This includes our children. As parents, we practice infidelity with our children all the time without realizing it. And this is what sets them up to repeat the cycle in their adult relationships. Take an objective look at your relationship with your child; pretend to step into their perspective and observe each interaction with you (the parent) over the course of a day. Can you see ways that you are not faithful to them by discontinuing loyalty and support? For example, perhaps when you sided with a sibling against them, they felt betrayed. Do they observe infidelity between you and your spouse?
Chances are in a relationship; we are going to make mistakes. A huge part of fidelity is about doing what it takes to repair a relationship once a rupture in the relationship has occurred. This imbues the relationship with a sense of loyal, supportive and secure trust. So don’t worry as much about not making mistakes as you worry about using mistakes to define relationship boundaries and taking action in accordance with them to develop greater future trust.
When we sleep, our consciousness returns to non-physical focus. It’s a bit like a mini death as we go back to source perspective. When we dream, our consciousness is essentially out of body. We are experiencing a higher frequency dimensional reality. A dimension that contains the blue print for what is in the process of manifesting. We are having an out of body experience albeit not a conscious one. And we are identified with our dreamscape until of course we learn how to lucid dream, at which point at which we are viewing our dream through the eyes of our eternal perspective which is dis-identified with that dream thought scape. If we were not out of body at least to a certain degree, our body would act out everything we encounter in a dream, which would be very dangerous to our health. In dreaming, because our consciousness is dissociated from our body, the aspect of our brain that controls motor function is disabled. Dreams are not happening all night. In the moment you are awakening, dreams are downloaded as your consciousness focuses into and through the higher dimensions to reach physical focus once again. The vibration is being downloaded and translated so that the mind can make sense of the vibration. We call these translations, dreams.
True dreams are a direct reflection of what is going on with you vibrationally. When you go to sleep, you are not in the process of actively creating in your reality. But the things that you have been in the process of creating are still active within you. The things you’ve been thinking and the feelings you’ve been feeling in your waking life and what manifests in your reality are always a match. Your dreams are always a vibrational match to what you’ve been thinking and feeling as well. In fact, dreams are a preview of pre-manifested reality. They are a fabulous tool for pre manifestational awareness. Anything you focus on or pay attention to could manifest as a dream.
Because you have no resistance in your sleep, you are not tensing yourself against the conditions of your life or condemning yourself or pretending things are different than they are and so you are able to see the reflection of your vibration exactly as it is. Your subconscious mind (things you don’t know that you don’t know) can be revealed to you. This is why so many psychologists have noticed that dreams are a window to the subconscious. Sleepers, dream about what they encounter in real life. Especially emotional concerns. However, in your dreams these vibrations play out as exact reflections. This means that your mind will choose structure for these dreams that is the closest match to the vibration itself. The expectations and therefore beliefs in dreamscape are different than they are in waking state, which is why they can manifest in this way. In waking life, we hold a belief unicorns do not exist. In dream state, we do not. So, in dream state, a unicorn can show up. In waking state one cannot. Another example of how the mind will choose structure for these dreams that is the closest match to the vibration itself is that in your waking life, you may feel as if your boss at work is mean and elicits fear from you every time he enters the office. In dreaming life, the closest match to the actual feeling you feel may be trying to avoid getting eaten by an alligator. So, you will dream about an alligator; having no idea that the Alligator symbolically represents your boss. In waking life, you may not be willing to own up to just how afraid you are of your boss. You may be tensing against the awareness of that fear by thinking that it is normal to feel bad about authority or by avoiding him. There is a difference in the translation of the vibrations within you in dream state than there is in the translation of vibrations within you in waking state even though the vibration is the same. This is especially true relative to the continuity experienced in dreamscape vs. waking life. But this dream exists to help you to own up to what you are unwilling to own up to. You are not thinking this way and feeling this way on purpose, but you are doing it. So what purpose does this preview serve? Because your pre-manifestational reality shows up in dreamtime as an exact reflection of your vibration, you get to see it play out. Life is a learning hologram that facilitates universal expansion. This is the function of the perception of linear time and space. By seeing your vibration playing out in a dream, one can make amends to it. Dreaming helps therefore to incorporate memory, solve problems and process emotions. This is why when people dream about a task they have been doing in waking life, they will wake up and be able to perform the task better. There are two distinct phases of sleep. Many scientists refer to this as REM cycle and non REM cycle. In general, Non REM is about the past and REM is about the future. In non REM dreaming, we are processing memories, making them useful by learning from them (the past). In REM dreaming, we are in the creation or simulation phase of sleep. Whereby we try to take the learning we processed in non REM and try to move with it into (the future) to create something new. We problem solve. We try to connect the past with the future in a way that benefits our progression. We try to reach or actualize potentials within the dream construct. We are rehearsing creating our reality. For example, in non REM we may dream about skiing and in REM dream, we may dream we are buried in an avalanche and are trying to find our way out of the snow. This simulation may be a reflection of the fact that in life, we feel trapped and it may be helping us to find a way to get free.
Nightmares, more so than any other kind of dream are simulated rehearsals of threat so that we will be prepared to survive if we continue to encounter a similar threat in our waking life.
When you are dreaming, you are interacting mostly with the 5th and 6th dimensional reality. And because of this, any thought forms or beings that can vibrate at that frequency, can interact with you in your dreams. When you’re having a genuine dream, you are out of body interacting with your own thought scapes... Your own vibrational reality which is showing up symbolically and full of meaning so that you may use it to facilitate your own expansion. And it may benefit you for your guides to interact with you within these constructs.
Your dreams always have meaning. The reason that dream symbolism works like it does is that the mind associates certain things with other things, even across cultures. For example, all people may associate earthquakes with tragedy, insecurity, instability and powerlessness and so, dreaming of an earthquake may symbolically mean tragedy, instability, insecurity and powerlessness is what one is encountering in your life for all people. And why has it worked to interpret dreams so as to make a prophecy from them? Because dreams are a preview of what is going on for you currently, and if that does not change, it is what you will be a match to. So for example, using the previous example, it was widely believed that if you dreamed of an earthquake, you will experience a challenge that will cause you to experience a loss in your life. And it is true that if you are feeling doom, unstable, insecure and powerless, and you do nothing to alter the way you feel and thus your vibration, you are a match to what we call a tragedy. If you want to know about your overall vibration in life, take a look at the themes in your dreams, especially repetitive dreams. For example, you may be alone in all of your dreams. This means that feeling alone is a dominant theme in your waking life. You may be in danger in many of your dreams. This means you feel unsafe in waking life. You may fly in many of your dreams and assuming this isn’t just your mind’s perception of movement out of body, it could mean that in waking life, you feel free or hold a strong desire to escape from pressure. Desire is a strong vibration within us, which is why we can often dream about what we desire.
Many people do not remember their dreams. This is usually because the ego is engaged in a process of denial about some aspect of the self, most especially the contents of the subconscious mind. Very rarely, often in beings who have gone through an enlightenment, someone can stop remembering dreams because they have reached a state of non resistance where expansion has slowed within the consciousness, so the purpose of dreaming is diminished. The higher your frequency becomes in waking life, and the more sensitive you become, the easier it will be to remember dreams because your frequency will be closer to the 5th and 6th dimension, where these pre-manifestational realities exist.
So what are some things you can do with your dreams? I suggest you start a dream journal. The second you wake up, record any little detail you can remember about your dreams. Pay attention to how you feel about the aspects of your dreams and try to look at your waking life. What in your waking life feels similar to that? This will help you to see what these experiences in your dream symbolically represent in your waking life.
My personal favorite way to address dreams happens to be the most accurate way to interpret dreams. It takes the form of a perception experiment. Write down your dream as if it were happening in present tense and then you go into the perspective of or become every significant aspect of the dream and then explore and express your perspective as if it were taking place in present tense. For example, let’s say that I had a dream about an alligator in a swamp and there was a broken down shed by the swamp and the alligator ate my father. I would first record my perceptions and feelings as Teal. Then, I’d switch into the perspective of the swamp itself and say my perceptions and feelings like this… I am the swamp; I am ancient and full of sorrow. I am lonely and people are repulsed by me and I want Teal to wade into my waters, the alligator is my only companion etc. Then I’d switch into the perspective of the shed and state my perceptions and feelings. Then I’d be the alligator, and then I’d be my father being eaten. Do this with as many elements as you can to form the whole picture. See how this changes your perception of the dream. Every aspect of your dream is in fact an expression of yourself or your perception of life. In other words, every part of the dream is the dreamer. There’s no wrong way to do this. This is an exploration of the subconscious mind. Doing this, allows us to re-own the fractured or split off aspects of ourselves.
If you want to dream about something specific you can. Before you go to bed, set the intention. To do this, simply focus on whatever it is you want to dream about for 5 minutes and repeat I want to dream about (fill in the blank). You can do this with questions you want an answer to as well. In fact, many inventions have been the byproduct of this kind of dreaming.
Dreams are an invaluable aspect of our lives. They are a window into our inner world. They can and do play a major role in our expansion as well as our progression towards becoming fully conscious. And all of us dream, whether we are aware of it or not. In fact, an unfinished dream is called life.
Brutal honesty is not a tool to be taken lightly. Authenticity in the form of brutal honesty about someone else is often just an act of passive aggression, defense mechanism, a cover for emotional abuse… And often an excuse or justification for veiled personal attack. We may in fact be fooling ourselves that we love the honesty when in fact, what we love is the brutality. Brutality saves us from feeling vulnerable and powerless. It is a common reaction to feeling hurt in some way. We need to be aware of whether we are acting in our own best interests or theirs so that we can make a conscious decision about whether or not sharing our opinion is in fact in alignment with the highest good in the scenario we find ourselves in. And if it is, how to deliver the opinion that is in our own best interest and is not necessarily theirs. This takes a hell of a lot of honesty with ourselves. It’s very tempting for us to be brutally honest in the name of authenticity with someone and to tell ourselves that it is for their own good, when in fact it’s purely selfish on our parts.
Speaking of which, this pattern of brutal honesty is quite common when we have grown up in highly moral or hypercritical households, where our parents believed that criticism was a motivator for change. In these households, we grew up with the idea that something is wrong with us and so we are very hard on ourselves to be perfect so we can be accepted. Our wires became crossed to the degree that we now have an unconscious belief that what feels bad is good for us and what feels good is bad for us. Which is what happens when people hurt our feelings or do things that cause us pain and then tell us that it’s for our own good. We learn that this is the correct way to love, when it is not. When we love people in this way, it is not love… it is abuse. It also reinforces the programming ‘something is wrong with you or bad about you and you need to be fixed’.
There is no magic formula for sharing opinions. So much of this boils down to being emotionally attuned enough to know if or when you should or shouldn’t. When it comes to authenticity, we need to consider the receptivity of the other party. Did they solicit our truth? Do they want our opinion or are we imposing it on them? Is it going to benefit them or do them harm? Perhaps we simply want to be authentic because we feel inhibited and therefore feel the need to express ourselves. When this is the case, we need to ask ourselves, is there another way I could express myself or is being authentic for the sake of feeling a sense of release or inner freedom worth hurting someone else? The answer may be yes for you. There is no right or wrong answer to that. But we have to be honest about the fact that we are choosing in that moment between us and them and this polarization is most likely going to create conflict. Question whether being brutally honest is necessary… Ask yourself, what is my genuine intention for telling them this? Is it for their good or my own good? If it is necessary to speak your mind, it is possible to do so without causing injury to another person. It is all about the delivery. When we tell someone something out of love and care for them, it has an entirely different delivery than when we tell someone something for any other reason. Anyone can tell the difference. Criticism is a form of expression that honesty takes when we do not understand what it means to be genuinely authentic. For this reason, I want you to watch my YouTube video titled: Criticism (How To Give and Take Feedback).
As people, we all judge. This is how the ego navigates through the world. When the ego judges, it gets to survive. It is in that moment superior, justified, right and good. But the nasty side effect is that by being those things, it makes the other person inferior, unjustified, wrong or bad.
When we form negative opinions or draw negative conclusions about someone and then consider these judgments as truths about them, we become hard energetically. We lose our capacity to see different perspectives. We are closed-minded and closed hearted. We invite a boatload of conflict into our lives as well. This serves no one. It is critical that we practice becoming softer in our minds and hearts and to do this, we can have opinions, we simply have to hold them loosely enough that we can let go of them if they are no longer useful. We need to seek to understand and be understood rather than to disagree or assert our opinion. We need to question every single truth that we hold so that we can walk through the world with the kind of flexibility that allows higher truths to reveal themselves to us. You cannot stop yourself from judging. What you can do is to recognize when you are judging and not become attached to these judgments by believing them fully. They are observations that may or may not be direct reflections of truth. In fact, judgments of other people are so often simply projections cast forth from our subconscious mind that they rarely reflect truth. This is especially true if our projection takes the form of “I know what is best for you”, which it so often does when we are judging other people. Ultimately, though we can have opinions, we do not know what is best for someone else. We only know what is best for ourselves. To understand how this projection mechanism occurs, watch my video on YouTube titled “Projection (Understanding the Psychology of Projecting)”. The heart of being authentic is being vulnerable. The reason we aren’t authentic is because we are afraid that we will be rejected, unloved, not received etc. There is rarely anything vulnerable about judgment or brutal honesty. To be authentic is to express and own up to one’s own experience. We express them as if they are not absolute truth for anything except for our own experience. For example, lets say that someone ran into your car. You could think it’s authentic to express “you know what, you’re just too self centered to pay attention to anyone except yourself and where you want to go.” But this is actually defense, which is the opposite of authenticity. Being authentic might look something more like this… “That was really scary, it made me feel like I was invisible and didn’t matter.” One of the best ways to figure out how to express authentically is to ask yourself, what is the opposite of being defense in this scenario? Whatever you are trying to defend is in fact the vulnerability that you need to be authentic about.
I want you to think for a minute about what kind of world you want to create here on earth. The world is only ever a reflection of ourselves. So, do you want a brutal world? If so, be brutally honest. Do you want a tender world? If so, be tenderly honest. In my opinion, this world is harsh enough and it is not conducive to health and wellbeing. The time has come for a much greater level of sensitivity, empathy, love and understanding. We need to care for other people’s hearts by acknowledging the amount of influence and affect we have on them. This is a precious gift, for our words to matter to others. Emotions are the core of every relationship. And we are in an emotional dark age. To wake up from this emotional Dark Age, we must learn how to caretake eachother’s emotions. This is especially true when we are being honest or truthful about things that do not feel good to hear. For this reason, I want you to watch my YouTube video titled: “Emotional Wake Up Call”.
A great game to play with yourself relative to sharing things that can hurt others is to pretend to be them, on the other side of yourself. Completely put yourself in their shoes in this scenario and see how it would make you feel. You may then decide to either to not express your opinion or you may decide to alter your delivery.
For the sake of your own expansion in the form of self-discovery, I want you to ask yourself, why do I believe that honesty must include brutality? And, that to be less than brutal in my honesty is to somehow be less honest or authentic?
You may find that it is really your vulnerability, hurt or anger that you want to be directly honest about but don’t feel like you can and so you are being inauthentic in the form of passive aggression by covertly expressing those emotions under the cloak of an honest opinion about someone else. Sometimes, difficult things must be said, things that don’t feel good to hear. But they can be said with discretion, empathy, tact and kindness without there being any limit to your freedom of expression and without limiting your authenticity.
And remember, if a voice isn’t delivering a message in a loving way, whether that voice is outside you or inside your own head, it is not speaking for your specific benefit.
Many of us, who are really suffering do not realize that it is because we feel completely out of control. Some of our biggest triggers are in fact the result of this feeling. Even things we would not at face value think are about this. For example, people forming negative opinions about us. If someone has made their mind up about us and we can’t change the way they are thinking about us because they can’t be reasoned with… What is upsetting us in this situation is that we are completely out of control. First and foremost, we have to ask ourselves honestly “What is so bad about being out of control?” We may find that being out of control means that someone or something else is in control. This is all well and good if we trust that someone or something. But if our life experience has taught us to distrust others and distrust the universe at large (because we have been hurt over and over again), being out of control can mean to us that we are going to get hurt at the very least and that we may just be in a fight for our very survival. Can you imagine the terror of your survival being in the hands of someone who does not have your best interests at heart? Bad luck is one form of feeling completely out of control of your reality. If your version of being out of control, takes the form of Bad Luck, you feel as if the universe is against you and you are going to be prevented from what you want and need. To understand more about this conundrum, watch my video on YouTube titled: “I Can’t Trust the Universe, I feel Like God is Against Me”.
You may be confused at this point, about the concept of things being out of your control, seeing as how you have probably learned that you create your own reality. So how can it be true that I create my own reality, but I can be out of control of the circumstances of my life? Once something has become a physical manifestation, we have already vibrationally lined up with something. It is what currently is. There is not enough action in the world that is enough to compensate for the momentum of a vibration that is practiced enough so as to have become physical and this is what happens if we are in a situation that feels beyond our control. However, these unwanted things that we line up with are not a failure. For all you know, it is exactly the thing you need to experience for the sake of your own expansion. How do you know something should be happening? It’s happening. Even the most practiced of us do not create our reality consciously. Even when people learn how to create their reality consciously, the aspect of them that is subconscious is usually much larger and so for the most part humans subconsciously create their reality. This is fabulous if the subconscious mind is full of sunshine gumdrops and roses. But often it isn’t. Often it is full of painful beliefs, fears and negative expectations. There is nothing wrong with negative creations. In fact, negative creations are responsible for most of the enlightened beings walking the earth. Both negative and positive creations are important to expansion. To understand this deeper, watch my video on YouTube titled, “The Meaning of Pain”.
It does absolutely no good to think about “I create my own reality”. When you have lined up with something painful. Let me say this again, but this time in a different way. It does absolutely no good to remind someone else that they create their own reality when they have lined up with something painful. This adds insult to injury and it also isn’t entirely true. If we were 100% deliberately, consciously creating, no one would create painful situations for themselves. It is a much better idea when you’ve lined up with a painful situation that feels out of your control, that you begin to look at the situation as if ‘whatever happening… is supposed to happen because it’s happening’. So what do we do when we find ourselves in a situation where we are completely out of control?
When we feel out of control, we feel powerless. When we try to take action to control from this space of powerlessness, we only wind our way in deeper and deeper into a state of despair and powerlessness. Literally the second you feel bad about something to the degree that you want to control it, you are feeling despair and so those lower vibrational feelings are what you are a match to. Any and all action taken from these lower vibrational places will yield negative results. Results that reinforce the despair. We are using control to resist the powerlessness and whatever we resist persists. So when we feel out of control, counter intuitively we need to release all control. We need to get in the back seat of life and stop resisting the current of where life is taking us completely. This is the art of total surrender. You can’t let go and allow, thereby releasing all the resistance you have as long as you’re seeking control. So what I am suggesting is to give up. Consciously give up. Cut your losses. Be prepared to start over from scratch completely. Change is needed. It’s a bit like a bigger scale version of being willing to totally accept you’re at square one all over again and re-building your house of cards from nothing. We can’t start building again until we stop resisting the fact that the house of cards has fallen. We can spend time in this space of total surrender for as long as it feels like relief. Then, we may feel ready to move forward.
We need to set our momentum on the right course. Negative, subconscious momentum is what creates situations that feel out of our control. So, we need to create positive momentum. There is a huge difference between control and empowerment. Control and the desire to control, is an ego construct. It is the byproduct of fear. It only ever comes from and leads to disempowerment. On the entire opposite side of the vibrational scale is empowerment.
Empowerment is about finding alignment in any small way that you can, no matter how small or large. Once something has manifested, you cannot control it. You cannot control your government, your partner, the weather, your children, other people’s pinions of you and the list goes on. But you can take little steps to make yourself feel just a little bit better and a little bit better. You can find thoughts that feel better to think so as to sooth yourself. You can curl up with a hot water bottle. You can seek solace in other people. Having influence over your own internal world brings about a sense of empowerment whereby you know that no matter what happens to you, you are not powerless relative to how you feel. It’s 4,000 times more empowering to be able to alter the way you feel than to live according to the belief that if you could just control certain circumstances, you’d feel better. This sets the momentum of the vibrations you are holding on a positive course. And then, all you must do is take action according to the feeling of inspiration as it arises within you and those actions will lead to empowerment.
Stop focusing on the choices you do not have and focus on the ones that you do have. We may very well be in a situation that is out of control externally and then, we are left only with what we can control internally. We can’t un-do the past so we only have control over how to deal with it now. We can’t control how other people behave, but we can control how we react to them. When we feel powerless, we slip into lack consciousness. We stop being able to perceive the power we do have and the opportunities we do have and the resources we do have. It’s a bit like being shut in a prison cell for ten years and not even realizing the door isn’t locked. When we allow ourselves to only focus on what limits us, we do not see the ways we are free. Play a game with yourself, where just for the heck of it you take your attention totally off the things you have no control over and place your attention on the things you do have control over. This game is in fact the way that people survive concentration camps, war imprisonment and other forms of captivity.
Set small goals and things to accomplish and scratch them off your list every day. These goals do not have to be related to the circumstance you feel powerless about. You do this so as to gain back a sense of personal empowerment. If you feel really powerless, things as small as cleaning your bathroom or reorganizing can be enough.
Ask for help. Often when we are at our most powerless, we are faced with the opportunity to awaken to a greater depth of spirituality. Whether we are asking for help from other people or whether we are asking for help directly from God, we are becoming connected to something greater than ourselves. But by surrendering to the help of this collectivity that is greater than ourselves, we cannot be disempowered because we are indivisible from it. We are aspects of it. For help with this, you may want to watch my videos on you Tube Titled: “Letters To God”. And “Does Prayer Work?”
Find out what you are really afraid of in this powerless situation. Often when we feel totally powerless, it is not the external circumstance that is rendering us powerless. It is ourselves. We are so afraid of something, such as what someone else will do or say, that we are telling ourselves we have no choice when we do. We are kind of waiting for something outside of us to change so we can feel safe enough to take the action or say what feels right to do or say. We’re just totally unprepared to face a consequence. So we have become paralyzed. Once we are prepared to face the consequence, we are no longer stuck and powerless.
Regroup and reassess your true desires. Own up to your true needs and wants. It is perfectly ok to amend your desires; you will do so many times over the course of your life. When we feel totally out of control, especially if it is our entire life that has barreled out of control, we need to start over from scratch and only keep the elements of our current life that we genuinely want to keep. So, ask yourself, what do I really want and why do I want those things? And then start incrementally going in the direction of those newly assessed desires. If you are experiencing the loss of control in your whole life as a nervous break down, watch my video on You Tube titled: “Nervous Breakdown”
When you are struggling with feeling totally out of control, you can guarantee that you are struggling with uncertainty. For this reason, I want you to watch my video on YouTube titled: “How to Deal With Uncertainty”.
Love. Love in any way you can, no matter how small or large. Appreciate anything you are capable of appreciating in your life. Feeling out of control is a state of fear. At all moments of the day, we have a choice between love and fear. The opposite vibration of fear is in fact love. So we cannot love and fear at the same time. Laughter is an expression of love. So even laughing at something totally unrelated to the thing we feel powerless about is an antidote to fear. Focusing on someone else’s problems out of love and care for them is an expression of love. This is an antidote to your fear. Appreciating the smell of coffee grounds in your cup is love. This is an antidote to fear. And in the absence of fear, our world opens up to new possibilities. Possibilities that did not exist to us while we were in the vibration of fear. Possibilities are the opposite of the trapped powerlessness you feel.
As people, we are rendered miserable by our endless attempt to control what we have no control over. We spend our lives trying to put milk back in the glass that has already shattered. It is understandable. We are looking at a world full of painful conditions, wanting to change those conditions so that we can feel good. But incase you didn’t notice, the harder we try, the harder it gets to feel good. The beautiful opportunity that is available to us in a situation we have no control over, is that we get to practice the art of total allowing. We get to begin again, from scratch and build something new and better in place of what was. We get to feel the invincible bravery of choosing love over fear. We get to experience the impenetrable strength in conscious surrender.
When love becomes a choice, is when we decide to commit to the other person as we would to ourself. We commit to capitalizing their best interests. This commitment takes on many forms such as affection, assistance, intimacy, communication etc. When love becomes a choice, we are presented with the opportunity to chose to create harmony instead of succumb to the power struggle.
Power struggle is an inevitable part of all relationships. It arises as a result of the ego vying for survival by struggling to differentiate itself. Love dissolves the ego because it causes us to become one. It causes us to experience our similarities instead of differences. Our separate sense of self goes away. Love is essentially an ego death, which is why the ego is not a fan of love. When we commit to love, which is a decision, we commit to acting in loving ways that put the welfare of our partner in the forefront. This is not easy. We tend to reach a point in relationships where we sit back and wait for the partner to meet our needs and feel resentful when they don’t. We shut down our hearts to them. We think that to feel loved, we need to receive love. When in truth, it is in the taking actions to love that we develop loving feelings from within. When we give, our hearts must be open. When our heart is open, compassion and love comes flooding in. And one of the most loving things we can practice giving to our partner is understanding.
The following is an exercise I want you to try. You can do this with anyone, regardless of whether they are your partner or friend or child or mother. When you get into an argument, especially if it is a chronic one, I want you to switch roles. So you are each actually arguing from the other person’s perspective in this scenario. Try to act exactly like they act. Say exactly what they say. I want you to take on their persona and point of view completely. And your goal during this exercise is three fold…
To understand their point of view fully as if you were literally in their shoes, with their history and their feelings and their beliefs. This is not about transposing your viewpoint into their viewpoint. This is not about “If I were you” it is about “I am you instead”.
For them to understand your point of view fully as if they were literally in your shoes, with your history and your feelings and your beliefs.
To mirror to the other person what it looks like and feels like to be on the opposite side of them in this argument.
To have them mirror to you what it looks and feels like to be on the opposite side of you in this argument.
So, for example, if a wife and husband have a chronic argument about how much the husband works, she will put herself in his perspective and make the case on his behalf and he will put himself in her perspective and make the case on her behalf.
To do this exercise, you must be willing to lay down the defenses. This can be hard because when we are in a power struggle, we care much more about being right and about being justified and about being the good guy than we care about love and therefore understanding. But if we can do it, we have the opportunity to learn about ourselves, grow in ourselves and as a couple. And to reach a meeting of minds. Once we have performed the exercise or at any time during the exercise, we can reflect upon any insights we are gaining as a result of doing the exercise. Communication is the cornerstone of a relationship and this exercise will go far towards assisting your communication with one another and also towards helping you to see opportunity for compromise and changes that need to be made to enable the relationship to flourish. So give it a try!
At our most fundamental level, we are all one. The universe is a vast and endless ocean of energy. When energy begins to take shape (like it does when this universal energy desires to become a singular perspective) it becomes thought. That thought then becomes more singular… It becomes thought form. And that thought form then becomes physical form. When we die, we withdraw our consciousness from physical form and we also withdraw our consciousness from thought form. We then watch the energy in the physical form diminish. To us here on earth this looks like decomposition. You also watch the energy in the thought form diminish. To those of us who can see the dimension of thought form, this looks like a ghost turning into an ectoplasm or imprint and then disappearing all together. The thought form is in fact the level of a being where personality exists. These aspects of being diminish because there is no longer a stream of source energy feeding them or activating them.
The best way to think of this is to imagine that a snake is a stream of universal consciousness and that it comes into 2 layers consecutive of skin to come into life and then pulls out of these two layers of skin when it dies. But these snake skins still have enough energy that they do not disappear completely; they dissipate over time as they begin to lose energy.
Now imagine that whenever it serves the universe, it can project forward a stream of consciousness into one of those snake skins and re-activate it. This is a metaphor for what is happening when we are dealing with a spirit guide. The personality structure (thought form) or identity of a being is being activated by a steam of source energy. How does this apply to ascended masters? They are essentially thought forms (personalities) that are being fed by universal consciousness for the benefit of the ascension and expansion of mankind. Think of them like the ultimate spirit guides. Re-activated snake skins. They have enough energy that they take on the appearance of pure light. To understand more about this, you can watch my video on you tube titled: Do angels exist? This video is important because many of what people call ‘angels’ are in fact ascended masters.
Source uses these specific thought forms or personalities because we relate to them. We have a collective desire for assistance and a collective association with these beings and assistance. And we identify with them to the degree that they are even being fed by the focus of our individual and collective consciousness, making these very powerful discarnate beings. The ascended masters assist the expansion of the consciousness of the human world or mankind at large as a spiritual guide would assist a singular human. We choose to incarnate into life after life until incarnation no longer serves our own expansion of the universe’s expansion at large. Then, we either remain part of universal consciousness or we choose to incarnate in other time space realities, or we choose to take on the perspective of assisting other beings in their expansion process.
It is common that once one achieves the ability to line up with universal consciousness (often referred to as source mind) at will, this is the point at which a soul stream opts to make this transition out of the cycle of death and birth. We often call this enlightenment. But it’s not like this is the goal for us all and once we achieve that state of living consciousness, we get a reward and that is a get out of jail free card for life at which point we now assist other people to achieve the same. The ascended masters are personalities that have left the cycle of death and birth, which is why they are referred to as ascended. When viewed through the lens of linear time some of them are seen as recent additions, some are ancient and some are so old they have been forgotten. In truth, there are thousands or more of these beings called ascended masters. But some are the most active and widely recognized in today’s age. They spend the majority of their time focused in the 6th dimensional frequency. An example of just a few of these ascended masters are: Saint Germain, Buddah, Jesus, Sana Kumara, Serapis Bey, Quan yin, Metatron, Moses, Sitatapatra, Lanto, Innana and Guadalupe. Because they are guides that assist mankind, like what we call a spirit guide would assist an individual person, you can expect to run into them over the course of your spiritual journey in one way or another. Their specific energies call you into ascension and progression on whatever level they are associated with. Because humans are attached to the idea of “levels of achievement”, each ascended master is traditionally associated with a different level of ascension. These levels of ascension are called “rays”. And each ray is associated with a specific color, number and spiritual quality. For example, Jesus is associated with the sixth ray, which is devotion and the abundance of god and is represented by the color violet. But no expert can agree on these rays or the colors associated with them, or who belongs to which ray. And I think it is fairly useless to think of ascended masters in this compartmentalized and status oriented way. But by all means, feel free to study this class system if it calls to you. In my opinion, hierarchy no longer belongs in spiritual practice. I think it is best to receive the special frequency of any of the ascended masters as a unique experience. Greet them as an unclassified being separate of some kind of spiritual hierarchy and receive them as they appear to you, specifically. After all, they show up differently for different individuals according to what you resonate with specifically.
As part of the collective whole of human consciousness, every person including you is connected to an ascended master; we call this your principal ascended master. Their energy most closely aligns with your expansion and your life purpose. For the sake of understanding, we could call this an assignment. But you cannot make this a matter of logically guessing which ascended master is your primary ascended master. The ego will become involved in the process of selecting which one is your primary guide and for want of significance; you may completely miss your actual primary ascended master. I agree with the traditions that teach you to ask the question and then go about your life allowing your principal ascended master to reveal himself or herself to you. This means, you’ve got to ask the question then pay attention to signs.
Skepticism is the opposite of suspended judgment. It is the rigid judgment that absolute certain knowledge is impossible. This is why skepticism does not feel good emotionally to the skeptic or to those who are on the receiving end of the skeptic. It is tempting to think skepticism can be healthy but it cannot. There is no such thing as healthy skepticism. To experience how unhealthy skepticism is, next time you encounter skepticism, pay attention to and feel how skepticism robs things of energy and forward movement, a bit like water being thrown on a fire. Belief is the state of mind in which a person thinks something to be the case, with or without there being empirical evidence to prove that something is the case with factual certainty. Looking at this definition, it is easy to see that in theory, skepticism is the opposite of belief. But the problem is, you cannot actually walk the earth with no beliefs. The mind forms beliefs and judgments whether you know it or not and whether you like it or not. And the problem is that most of those beliefs never get questioned. They become the filter you perceive your life through and the basis by which reality forms around you. And so a skeptic is not actually suspending belief, instead they believe deeply in doubt. Your reality, being the byproduct of belief, will not be a pleasant one if doubt is the belief you operate your life by.
The actual vibration of doubt looks nothing like genuine uncertainty, instead it looks like disbelief. To doubt is to consider something unlikely. To consider something unlikely is to act as if you know. It is to pretend you know something that you do not know. It is to bring a sense of certainty to a universe of uncertainty. For this reason, doubt in all actuality, is the flip side of faith. Doubt is only another kind of faith. It is faith in the negative instead of faith in the positive. Like the shadow side of faith, to consider something unlikely (doubt) is to act as if you know. People use doubt to gain a sense of certainty and cognitive closure in the same way that people use faith to gain a sense of certainty and cognitive closure.
Faith goes hand in hand with belief. To have faith is to have positive confidence or trust in something. It is to think something is true, even without proof. If you are a person who doubts, you have a great capacity for faith. The only difference between you and a person, who is full of faith, is that you have endless confidence and trust for negative instead of positive outcomes and things. Like faith, doubt is a bridge between thinking and believing. It is best to burn this bridge down when the bridge does not benefit your journey. It is best to only build the bridge of doubt between thoughts that feel bad to think and things you don’t want to believe. It is best to build the bridge of faith only between thoughts that feel good and things you want to believe. When we begin to experience pain, is when we build the bridge of doubt between thoughts that feel good to think and things we want to believe. To understand more about faith, watch my video on YouTube titled: "Faith."
The ego seeks to define itself through creating polarity. It needs to be justified, it needs to be good, it needs to be superior, and most of all it needs to be right. It is tempting to believe that skepticism is the antidote to the ego’s need to be right. But in fact, skepticism is the ego’s disguised attempt to be superior and right. The skeptic is in a state of self-righteousness. Invalidating something else instantly puts the ego in a position of being valid. Skepticism is also the ego’s attempt to stay safe. How would someone stay safe by being skeptical? It allows one to avoid disappointment. There are very few things more painful than losing faith. There are very few things more painful than the pain caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s desires or positive expectations and the invalidation of one’s positive beliefs. It feels like we have fallen to the ground from great heights. So, we protect ourselves by not climbing, so we never again have to feel the fall. Having faith in the negative prevents us from disappointment. You will never meet a skeptic, who has not been deeply hurt by disappointment and who does not feel that truth, (even if it is brutal) is a form of security.
It is important to understand that it is not healthy to blindly believe everything. Optimism can be an escape and a state of closed mindedness as well. This is merely another from of ignorance and resistance and leads to all kinds of negative ends. You do not have to be a skeptic or a blind believer. The healthiest thing to do is to develop an open mind. Questioning is healthy. But there is no doubt involved in the process of questioning. Doubt is a state of resistance. It halts the momentum of progression. Questioning is actually a state of mind that causes progression, especially progression of thought. Questioning allows for truth to reveal itself naturally. And because it is not invalidating (like skepticism is) it never feels bad to the questioner or the thing being questioned. People are not stupid; we can feel the difference between being doubted and being questioned. There is a totally different energetic frequency to questioning the validity of something and invalidating something. Approach life with an attitude of curiosity. There are times when we simply do not know. At times like this, I urge you to consider to choose to believe something that serves you, regardless of whether you are sure it is true or not. Practice holding onto your beliefs loosely instead of letting the ego latch onto them for the sake of its own safety and survival. Hold to beliefs mentally as you would a baby bird, so as to not crush it and so as to let it fly away if it is in alignment with the highest good.
If you are skeptical, the time has come to get present to and aware of the pain in your life, especially the disappointment and distrust. Cynicism and skepticism are a bit like twins that travel as a pair. No child is born skeptical or cynical so ask yourself these two questions: When did I start being skeptical or cynical? What does skepticism keep me safe from? In the moment that we feel skeptical, we need to ask ourselves what we are really afraid of and resistant to in this situation. We need to allow compassion and loving understanding to enter the space for the self that adopted the rigid attitude of doubt so as to protect itself from those things. For example, if I am skeptical of someone being who or what they say they are, I may find that in truth I am afraid of being duped. My lack of self-trust leads me to feel resistant and guarded towards others, as I fear I may be led astray. On this note, there is no such thing as a skeptic who genuinely trusts himself or herself. So, if you are a skeptic, I encourage you to watch my video on YouTube titled: “How to Trust Yourself.” Skepticism is all about trying to stay safe. To let go of skepticism, you need to willingly step past your comfort zone. You have to go into an area mentally and emotionally that is completely new and unknown. Skepticism is a good disguise for fear. And like I said earlier, skepticism is not a state of uncertainty. It is a state of negative certainty. Therefore embracing uncertainty is the direction of healing. To understand more about uncertainty and how to deal with it, watch my video on YouTube titled: “Uncertainty (How To Deal With Uncertainty)”. When you are presented with ideas and things that you would normally doubt, instead consider the potential validity by asking the question… What if? This is a bit like genuinely trying an idea on for size, just like you would a pair of pants at a department store. You don’t need to be afraid of trying out new ideas and beliefs as if they were true. If it doesn’t fit or end up adding to your life, you can always take it off again.
If you are a skeptic, it is time to see that you are not in fact in the vibration of neutrality and openness any more than someone who uses ignorant optimism to avoid truths that are uncomfortable to face. Instead, you are in a permanent state of distrust and you have decided that a negative outlook serves you better than a positive one. Ask yourself why this is the case. A negative approach to life prevents you from some forms of pain, especially pain caused by the loss of something positive. But it does so by keeping you in pain. Positive thinking is not a Pollyanna state of willing ignorance. It can be a commitment to intentionally creating your life and it comes from the understanding that a belief is only as good as it does. So the question is, what do your painful thoughts and beliefs actually do for you?
Question your beliefs, especially the ones that feel painful. If you are skeptical, you have plenty of them. Are you ready for the ultimate chess move? Ironically, you can use your own skepticism against yourself positively, by using it to disprove your own painful beliefs. Everyone you meet on the street will know something that you don’t. This makes the world a place full of opportunity for new truths to reveal themselves to you. Let this excite you rather than threaten you. And by approaching the world with this kind of excitement to try out new perspectives and potential truths, your life will be one of adventure, magic and miracles. A state of skepticism is a state of closed minded and closed hearted pain. Our life is the byproduct of belief. If our belief takes the form of doubt, we limit ourselves and we limit others and we limit the universe at large. We cannot be a match to experiencing miracles and we cannot be a match to experiencing anything beyond our negative faith and doubt at the same time. The realm of magic and mystery is closed to our perception. So step outside your comfort zone and consider. And see what this world reveals to you then.
First, we have to understand what commitment is all about. Commitment is a state of dedication. But we can simplify commitment in this way: To commit to something is to give your energy to something… To put yourself into something. The more committed you are to something, the more of your energy and therefore yourself you put into that thing. If you sit with this idea of commitment for a minute, you might already be experiencing the awareness of what exactly scares you so badly about commitment. If not, I want you to ask yourself “What is so scary about giving my energy to something or putting myself fully into something?”
I’m going to give you a hint here: Most fears on this earth, (if not all of them) boil down to the intense fear that something will be lost. For example, even if your fear is that you will gain problems, the flip side of that fear is the fear that you will loose inner peace.
The most common fear that is experienced by people who fear commitment is the fear of being trapped and therefore loosing freedom. If you fear commitment, your fear has caused you to develop an addiction to the sweet security of escape. Decisions are the ultimate fear if you fear commitment. You especially fear making decisions because you feel that by doing so you will lose options. You fear making the wrong decision and being trapped with the potential consequences (especially losses) of that choice. And this is your personal, subconscious definition of failure. Obviously this fear, like usual builds its roots in childhood. In an ideal childhood environment, we would learn that we will always be loved and that mom and dad will always return. We would learn that even if we misbehave, we would still be welcomed so we do not have to be perfect in order to be loved and included and not abandoned. But this is not the case for many of us. For many of us, especially those who fear commitment, we had to grow up too fast to a world where the message was, “You DO have to be perfect according to my definition of perfect in order to be loved, included, not abandoned and get the things you want”. In this atmosphere, responsibility became something to be feared. It came with too much pressure. The stakes were too high. So we learned to avoid it. We grew up in an atmosphere of control, not an atmosphere of love and intimacy. We were brought up to have one foot in and one foot out because we could not trust one or both of our caregivers. If you do not trust someone, there is no way to be fully invested in them. So instead, there is a constant state of emotional panic. It is obvious to see then why the sensation of freedom would be so incredibly important for us to keep hold of. It was our indication of our level of safety. This is especially important to recognize if you have a fear of relationship commitment. People who fear relationship commitment actually have the deep, desperate need for intimacy and a secure relationship that they can rely on. But they fear abandonment and/or engulfment so much that the idea of either loosing their partner through it not working out, or losing themselves to (being devoured by) their partner causes them to freeze up. This is their attempt to stay safe. For those of you who suffer from relationship commitment phobia, relationships and love were not about love when you were younger. They were about control. People in your life, especially primary caregivers, were interested in control and as such they were not concerned with your best interests, they were concerned with theirs. This made you unsafe emotionally, physically or both. To stay safe, you quickly saw that you had to keep the control. You always had one foot in and one foot out with them. Now, in relationships, you do the same. You subconsciously seek to always be in control and have an escape ready while avoiding personal responsibility. This makes you very passive aggressive. One way you gain back control is to freeze up. When you clam up or freeze up, no one can do anything about it. They are absolutely powerless to your unmovable state. This, in conjunction with not committing to either decision, feels safer to you. When you freeze up, your survival mechanism has been triggered. When you can’t perceive any escape because you can’t decide between fight or flight, the only thing left to do is freeze. This is what gives the commitment-phobe the feeling of dragging their heels or turning into a rock or existing in a state of living death absent of momentum.
So what should you do if you can clearly see that you are afraid of commitment and you’re ready to face that fear and actually commit to something?
You must recognize that while commitment phobia is real, it is also true that there is no such thing as genuine commitment phobia. This is why… You cannot actually live one second of the day where you are not committed to something. Your energy is going completely into something at all moments of the day. The question is, into what? For example, the person who is not committing to a relationship out of fear has already chosen to be fully committed to freedom. The person who is procrastinating has already chosen to be fully committed to distraction. The person, who refuses to make a decision, has already committed to being irresponsible or shall we say to whatever perks come with not being responsible. So, any time you find yourself not committing to something, it means there is something else you are much more committed to, often on the opposite end of the scale. Take time to discover these subconscious commitments to find out what you are really committed to in life and decide if those are things you actually do want to consciously be committed to. What DO you really want to be committed to? Take notice that this is a very different question than “what should you want to be committed to?”
Get present to the negative impact of not committing. In order to change something, you have to see that there is a need or reason to change. See what it does to yourself and what it does to others when you do not commit. For example, see the opportunities you have lost by not acting on them. See the rejection other people feel. See the success that you have not achieved because where you were unwilling to give it your all, someone else was. If you need to, make a list so you can really become conscious of what this has done, is doing and could do to your life.
Love the one aspect of you that is afraid of committing. Now that you have become present to the negative impact of not committing, step outside your fear of commitment aspect of self and focus with compassion and love toward that aspect of yourself that is terrified and who was controlled and who wants to stay safe so badly. If you resist this self by trying to force it to change because you resent it, you will only be trying to control yourself and so you’ll start to become passive aggressive with yourself. Instead, approaching this aspect with love, desiring it to shift because you want the best for it. This will cause an inner transformation.
Become more aware and dedicated to what you want than what you don’t want. If you are afraid of commitment, you are in a state of avoidance. Your energy is more focused on what you don’t want to commit to than it is on what you do want to commit to. If you feel the avoidance crop up in you (that internal resistance, like trying to open a clam shell that will not open or trying to move forward against lead weights), figure out what you do not want and use that to define what you DO want. Then commit to that. Put your energy into that. If you are afraid of relationship commitment, you may decide that it is too hard to commit to the whole relationship itself, but maybe you can commit to something smaller within the context of the relationship. For example, you may decide to commit to communicating with the other person every day.
Get present to what you need and meet your needs. Needs are a real enemy of those who grew up in controlling environments. People who fear commitment will suppress their needs and not communicate them and try to convince themselves and others that they do not have them. This is especially important if you’re struggling with a relationship commitment phobia. Relationships are about mutuality, not control. It’s about accommodating each other in a way where both people’s needs are met. If you do not express your needs and deny them whilst trying to meet your partner’s needs, you will eventually feel controlled by them and at their mercy; without even knowing it’s because you never expressed your needs and never gave them a chance to meet them. To understand more on this subject, watch my video on YouTube titled: Meet Your Needs.
Get deeply in touch with your feelings. People who fear commitment feel they must cut off their emotional connection as a way of feeling in control and thus emotionally safe. This is why in relationships, being with a commitment-phobe feels like a push and pull. To begin this practice, watch my video titled: How to Heal The Emotional Body. Especially sit with that feeling of being trapped. If you fear commitment, you are in the business of constantly trying to mitigate and avoid future pain. So the willingness to feel (including things like pain) stops this unhealthy avoidance pattern. It can no longer subconsciously rule your life. If you are struggling with a fear of commitment, you are not very self aware and you are prone to lying to yourself to avoid deeper truths. Really being with your feelings will reveal the deep, real, gritty inner truths of yourself. These are the truths that will help you to create a life you really want.
Explore the idea of ‘perfect’ so that you can let go of the idea of it. The inner critic is trying to keep you safe to the detriment of your very life. You can’t get this life right, as much as you may want to because ‘right’ is a judgment call according to personal perspective. You will never find a partner who is perfect either, or the perfect job. Finding fault with everything may just be a way to justify your fear so you don’t have to take the risk to move forward and through it. It will help to deliberately shift your focus to the positives about any given thing that you want to commit to, but are afraid to commit to. Love is the opposite of fear. So, if you’re afraid of your partner, what do you love about them? If you’re afraid of the job, what do you love about it? If you fear making the decision, what do you love about the decision or about making decisions in general? Criticism goes hand in hand with perfectionism. To understand more about criticism, watch my video on YouTube titled: Criticism.
Practice meditation. Meditation will take you out of the unconscious states of panic that throw you into avoidant, escapist control dynamics. This will allow you to shortcut the self-sabotage and instead make you present with exactly what is right here, right now in front of you. You can start with mindfulness meditation. To understand how to do this, watch my video on YouTube titled: Mindfulness Meditation (the observer self).
Commit to increasing your self-concept and self esteem. If you struggle with a fear of commitment, you struggle with self-esteem. This is especially true for those who avoid committing to relationships because of potential abandonment. If you never invest your energy into something fully, it never yields results that cause you to feel good about yourself. So committing to things will actually increase your self-esteem. What do you appreciate about yourself? What are your strengths? Take an inventory of your positive attributes and anything that causes you specifically to feel good about yourself.
If you suffer from commitment phobia, it is completely understandable why you are the way you are. You learned how to be this way to survive the world and subsequent worldview that other people set up for you when you were younger. You have every right and reason to stay this way. It doesn’t make you wrong or bad. But consider that any commitment is a risk. Including the commitment to non-commitment. You will die one day and I can promise you that did not come to this life to arrive at death safely. The greater risk in life is not taking risks and waiting for opportunities that may never come. The risk you take when you are afraid of commitment is not really living. No success will come unless you invest your energy in something. And I can promise you; it’s already invested in things, just not the things that make for a successful life. You cannot get this life wrong. So break free from the paralysis. You have been thinking that commitment will trap you, when in fact it will set you free.
It seems like a logical assumption. The problem is that whatever we resist, we feed the energy of our focus to and thus, it persists. We have made negative thoughts the bad guy. We’re afraid of these thoughts and we’re afraid of how they make us feel and so we want to try to get rid of them and deny them and push them away or fight them with positive thoughts and is it working? Hell no.
It does no good to try to cut off or deny an aspect of yourself. This creates a fracture within you when integration and wholeness is the true direction of healing. It is the opposite of love. By labeling something as bad, you feel repelled by it and this aversion in fact ads negative energy to negative thoughts, which gives birth to a negative spiral. And it is understandable that if you frequently get into these kinds of negative spirals, you may literally feel like your mind is your worst enemy, which is why I want you to watch my YouTube video titled: Is your mind your friend or foe?
But for the sake of reducing your resistance to your negative thoughts, we are going to proceed with a brand new premise…. Negative thoughts are good. How is this possible?
1. As humans, we are wired to find, recognize and fix problems. We are designed to turn the unwanted into the wanted. This is why our species has evolved and adapted the world to us like it has. This is in fact the platform for universal expansion. It is also the basis of species evolution. If all we saw and recognized was perfection, there would be no progression, no change, no forward movement. New ideas and inventions and possibilities are always the byproduct of first recognizing problems. And negative thoughts can in fact focus and motivate us towards our aim.
2. It is the negative thoughts we think that are painful enough to make us question ourselves and question the thoughts themselves. This questioning inevitably leads to the dis-identification between the thinker and the thoughts themselves. So we could say that negative thoughts make us aware that there are two perspectives present within us and thus, we wake up to the truth of ourselves beyond the temporal reality. We realize I am not my thoughts. Negative thinking therefore can give birth to an awakening.
3. Negative thoughts are often reflections of an emotion that needs to surface from the subconscious to the conscious mind and be integrated. Things like jealousy, despair, hopelessness, sadness or fear. We need to recognize these strong emotional sensations in the body and embrace them as well. To fully accomplish this, I want you to watch 2 of my videos on YouTube. The first is titled: Positively Embrace your Negative Emotions. And the second is titled: How to Heal the Emotional Body.
4. Negative thoughts are an invitation to learn unconditional love. Glossing over the negative thoughts with positive ones doesn’t work. Suppressing and denying them makes them fester. And they represent aspects of our being that need to be heard and felt and so, eventually, we must end our war with them. When we can learn to project love through and around the aspect of ourself that thinks negative thoughts (or even the negative thoughts themselves) we are practicing unconditional love. We are not making our love of our mental aspect conditioned upon whether it is positive and feeling good.
5. There are many different kinds of negative thoughts but they all have one thing in common… they are designed to alert us to something we wish to avoid. Negative thoughts are designed to keep us safe. The question is… from what? So next time you think a negative thought ask yourself, how is this thought trying to keep me safe? What is it trying to keep me safe from? For example, a thought that is self-critical may be trying to keep you safe from embarrassment. Or a thought that is about a worst-case scenario, may be trying to keep you safe from experiencing the very scenario it conjures. The kind of thought that most directly exists to try to keep you safe is worry. For this reason, you might want to watch my video on YouTube titled: How To Stop Worrying
6. And now we come to the most important point… Every negative thought, especially complaint, is in fact an indirect voicing of one’s needs and wants and as such it points you in the direction of your purpose. The time has come to consider that this part of yourself is telling you something very important and valuable about yourself. What part of you do you reject by turning away from negative thoughts? Like a compass, your negative thoughts and subsequent emotions are letting you know which way you should NOT go. They refuse to let you stray from the path of your purpose and joy. We can use this to our advantage. Not only do we have a clear vision of what way to NOT go in life, we also can use that clarity of what is not wanted to decipher what direction TO go on life… which is towards our wants and needs. Our journey is greatly assisted by being aware of what we want and need. So each time you recognize the negative thought, ask yourself, what is this letting me know that I want or need and how can I more directly meet that need or want?
You are never going to get rid of your negative thoughts. Believing that you must not think negative thoughts makes them repetitive and obsessive. It is however within your capacity to not regard them as absolute truth, but instead as the subjective perspective held by an aspect within yourself that is currently in pain. These thoughts are valid but not necessarily true. And they need loving care. Embrace rather than suppress your negative thoughts and you will no longer be at their mercy.