We have been raised with the idea that some things are ok to want like a reliable job or kids or dinner or a raise or a wife. While other things are not ok to want like fame, power, lots of money or a sexy girlfriend etc. Obviously based on what culture or family or religion you were brought up in, what you are allowed to want is going to be different from person to person. But in our current society, we risk a lot socially by wanting what we want and by admitting to it.
For example, a person might want to be a millionaire so they can live a life of abundance. But in society, a person who wants to be a millionaire is seen as a materialistic person who has the wrong set of priorities. Or a person might want to be famous because they want to have significance, but in today’s society, a person who wants fame and significance is seen as a person who is shallow and self-centered. Another example is that a person might grow up in a family that is poor, that believes it is not possible to be in a powerful position within society, so if they desire to be a politician, they are discouraged because the family thinks it will lead to failure. The person then has to deny that desire for the sake of validating the family and also to prevent potential failure. Conversely, a person might be born to a rich family, where there is an expectation for him or her to choose a career that is seen as a high status career. But the person might truly desire to join a non-profit group and travel the world. Because the family finds this desire unacceptable, the person must deny that aspect of themselves and conform for the sake of approval. We have to be seen as good to maintain social favor and thus love, and we must maintain love to survive and so we do what we do with all other unacceptable aspect of ourselves, we banish it to the subconscious. We deny, suppress, reject and disown those desires. They do not go away, they simply take up residence in the subconscious mind. We still make decisions because of those desires and we still go after those desires, but we take detours to do it and we don’t really know why we are doing it. Desires that are suppressed in the subconscious mind, become compulsions and that is when our desires can become dangerous to us.
Let’s get this out of the way right now. It is impossible to un-want something you want. It is also impossible to make yourself want it less. When we believe that something is not ok to want but we want it and can’t un-want it, we have to make a choice. Either we conform completely to what others want us to want and literally die to ourselves and our truth or we go about getting it in covert, passive aggressive, round about ways. If we are confronted about our true desires or true priorities, we become defensive and deny it. After all, we can’t maintain a positive self-view and want those things. It is in fact quite damaging to not admit to what we want. Our lives can get surprisingly far off course doing that. Also, the subconscious mind does a good job of ruining the show instead of running it. Now, before you go on thinking that the concept of admitting to what you want and going straight for it is an adorable albeit trite self help technique, consider that if Adolph Hitler admitted to the fact that he wanted belonging, empowerment and safety, the entire Nazi regime would not have happened. When we feel powerless and alone and betrayed (like Hitler did during his childhood and also during WW1), but we cannot admit to our insecurities and vulnerabilities and wounds, the subconscious mind has to try to get our needs met in any way it can. Leadership gave Hitler that sense of empowerment. Being a part of a group (the Nazis) gave Hitler a sense of belonging. Getting rid of the Jews, (whom he had lifelong conflict with and whom he felt betrayed him and his country during World War 1) made him feel safer.
If we are unwilling to admit to what we really want, we may go about getting it in ways that are harmful to us and harmful to the world as well. For example, financial desperation aside, most prostitutes want to be valued. Their self worth is so low that the only value they feel they have is their sexuality. So, they have sex with strangers despite the risks so they can feel that brief feeling of being valued for the only thing they feel has value. Another example is a person who loves authority and loves to be the center of attention. They think it’s not ok to admit to that. So they go into a career where they get both of those things, like politics. Really they hate politics itself. They don’t really care about legislation or about taking care of people’s rights; they just want to be in a position of authority where they are the center of attention. They subsequently go on to damage people’s lives because they never cared about those things in the first place. If they would have been willing to admit to what they wanted, they could have found a job that really had nothing to do with legislation or taking care of other people’s best interests. It would have made them happy and the political position could have been left to someone who actually does like legislation and who actually does get a rush out of representing other people’s best interests.
We are often concerned about what other people want, fearing that it will not serve them well. But what we do not understand is that we do not have the power to cause them to not want what they want, no matter how much we may not want them to want that thing. We would do better to just help them to get what they want in any way that we can. We cannot do it in a begrudging way, because that is disapproval. But if we genuinely help them get what they want, their perspective will change and they will want different things. The person, who wants to be a millionaire and is willing to put relationships second to money, is more likely to put people first after he achieves his millions. If we try to get him to put relationships first when what his true desire is, is money, we will spend years with a resentful person, who never makes relationships his number one priority. Collectively, we have this idea that we have to deny our needs and wants because if we give into our needs and wants, we will be like a hungry monster… Nothing will ever be enough. But imagine that by meeting a need or want, the need or want might actually be met and so the person might actually develop different needs and wants. A cup that is empty might just be full if it is filled. Often, we can never get enough of something, when we are unaware of what it really is that we are wanting because metaphorically, we end up living on table scraps. To use a food metaphor, if we can’t admit that what we want is a bowl of salt, we will endlessly seek out foods that contain salt. But it will never be enough, because we aren’t just letting ourselves go get salt. If we let ourselves get salt, we would have a craving for something other than salt. We are never going to stop wanting something until we get it. So we need to help ourselves aim straight for what we want and we need to help others aim straight for what they want. The crux of the matter is that we, as people have essentially put a leash on ourselves and a leash on each other. We do not let ourselves run in the direction of what we truly want. We do not let other people run in the direction of what they truly want. People, who are on a leash, have no other option than to run sideways. We have go to take the leash off. We have got to be brave enough to admit to what we really want and brave enough to go for it. It is so refreshing and freeing to just stop trying to suppress, deny and disown the things we really want out of fear.
So I am asking you today to take some steps to let yourself off the leash.
1. Admit to what you truly want. Ask yourself, what am I ashamed to admit that I want? 2. Admit to why you want that thing, what do you really like about it? The reason why you want something reveals the most about what you actually want.
3. Ask yourself why you feel it is wrong to want that thing. Is it actually bad or wrong to want that thing? Why or why not? If people influenced you to believe that it was not ok to want, why did they hold that opinion, what were they afraid the result would be? 4. Question what the flip side of that desire is. What is this desire telling me that I don’t want? Another way to discover this is to ask yourself, What am I afraid will happen if I don’t get this thing that I want? For example, if I am ashamed that I want fame because I want significance, I may be afraid of insignificance. If we know why we think it isn’t ok to want certain things and what we are trying to avoid by going for what we want, we can then alter our perspective about those beliefs and start to release resistance and heal those wounds.
5. Pick at least one person to admit this true desire to and admit it to them. Come out of the closet about it. 6. Ask yourself, how am I holding myself back from this thing that I want right now? How am I trying to get that thing in round about ways? 7. Ask yourself what steps you could take right now to go straight for what you want instead? What would you do differently? How could you simplify your quest for what you actually want? 8. Take those steps.
If we want something desperately, it is because we have so much resistance to the idea of not getting it. We feel powerless to get it. So we need to release this resistance. Hardly anything in this universe is more powerful than the vibration of a clear desire, with no resistance to what is unwanted on the other side of it. If we admit to our actual desires, the universe is ten times more likely to provide us with opportunities that actually facilitate our desires. Opportunities where our actual desire is the main dish, not the side dish. Once we free ourselves to admit to what we want and go for it, we also give others the permission to do the same. The result will be a much happier society. We will heal our deep, unresolved wounds much quicker. Expansion will happen much quicker and we will all be living from a place of authenticity instead of pretense.
Take the leash off and I promise you, you wont ever be tempted to look back except to reminisce about what a good decision it was.
First it must be said that it is possible to experience heartbreak without actually breaking up. A lot of people live in a state of perpetual heartbreak even though they are still technically in a relationship. But when this is the case, the “break up” has still occurred. It has occurred internally. To love someone, is to include them as yourself. It is to come into a state of emotional oneness with that person. This feels like bliss. We are at our very best when we are in this state. In this state, we are essentially the emotional embodiment of source itself. In contrast, to break up is to become separated. This feels like torture. We are at our worst in this state. In this state, we are the emotional embodiment of the absence of source itself. All break ups are essentially a betrayal. A betrayal is the breaking of a presumptive contract or agreement. When we love someone, we enter into a kind of energetic agreement or loose contract to be one. When we experience a break up, whether it is an actual break up or an energetic break up this agreement is broken. As a result, we feel betrayed. All betrayals of the unspoken oneness agreement in a relationship (whether it is emotional withdrawal or cheating or criticism) creates a separation between two people. So why exactly are break ups so painful? Because if you include someone as you, to break up with them (regardless of whether you decided to break up with them or they decided to break up with you) is to lose part of yourself. On an emotional level, this feels like a severing. It feels like part of you is being severed from yourself.
Hatred is the cover emotion for hurt. What I mean by cover emotion is that your emotional self is intact with survival mechanisms just like your physical self is. When you are feeling hurt, your emotional self immediately tries to get you away from the feeling of hurt by moving you into a space of hatred, which is actually a vibrational improvement. This is why it is so common for two people to hate one another after they breakup. The hatred however is not what needs to be addressed, the hurt underneath the hatred does.
The heart chakra is the energy center of the body that corresponds to connection. It is the chakra that is concerned with wholeness and love and compassion among other things. The hear chakra is the unifier. This is why so many of the organs and biological systems associated with the hear chakra, are unifying systems like the circulatory system. They unify the whole body. When we experience the severing or separation inherent in a break up, the chakra and biological systems associated with it that is the most impacted, is the chakra that is in charge of connection, the hear chakra. On a biological level, emotional pain and physical pain involves the same regions of the brain. Many scientists suggest that when painful mental and emotional separation occurs between people, it causes an area of the brain to be stimulated that in turn over stimulates a nerve called the Vagus nerve, causing pain in the chest. This chest pain is why people say their hart has been broken. It is easy to see how the pain receptors in the body that would be the most effected by a loss trauma, are the nerves associated with the chakra and biological systems that deal with connection. That is after all, where the damage is.
I’m going to let some of you off the hook here before we go on. It is a very common thing that when our relationships go very south, to begin to wish that our partner will just die in an accident or something. The reason for this is that all break ups are a death of part of you. And when we do not feel like we have the strength to voluntarily create a death, we hope that it will involuntarily happen. That way, we do not have to face the guilt, we don’t have to doubt ourselves and we do not have to feel self-blame on top of the pain of the loss. Breakups are so painful because you have chosen to kill something that is a part of you. Even if it was the other person who chose to do it, you are going to experience a death of something that is a part of you. What ensues is a grieving process, much like the one that happens when someone we love actually dies.
You’re not just going to “get over” heartbreak. A break up is a trauma to the system and so the system has to go through a process of healing and integrating and readjusting when it loses a part of itself. You may decide to move on, but that does not mean you have healed anything. Trying to rush the process of healing after you experience a break up, does not work any more than it works to rush the process of grieving after someone dies. That being said, heartache does not have to last for weeks or months and the more active you are with regards to facing your thoughts and feelings and the more proactive you are about your own healing, the faster you will reach a state of wholeness.
So what should you do if you are suffering from a broken heart?
Before we get into it, it's important that if heartbreak is recent and you're in the wake of a major trauma, to reel it in and stop living your life for this day or week. instead, you have to plan your life in short increments. You have to think about what would make you feel better for the next five minutes or what would you do to feel a bit of relief in the next hour. Live your life minute by minute or hour by hour and only extend that as time goes on and you feel capable. And now for the list:
Do not try to distract yourself from the heartbreak. A lot of your friends might suggest this. It is a bad idea. This will backfire immensely. This is you leaving or bouncing out on yourself after you have already lost part of yourself. It will only compound the injury. Heartbreak is all consuming and it’s ok to let it be. Sometimes, to get to the other side of something, we have to go straight into it.
Recognize that if you have come together with someone so as to become attached to them in a partnership, you have most likely subconsciously done so in order to make yourself feel more whole in some way. This means there are aspects of yourself that are feeling insufficient, incomplete, empty or missing. We must embark on a journey of restoring our completeness in and of ourselves. We must turn our attention inward and become whole again. Do not mistake this for independence. This is an interdependent universe. Interdependence is not painful. Independence is. Autonomy on the other hand is a state of wholeness in and of the self. In a state of wholeness, we do not come together with other people to make up for what is missing within us. To be autonomous, we have to be in a secure relationship with ourselves. We have to take steps to establish a secure relationship with ourselves and become whole. The worst thing we could do if we are feeling heartbreak is to get into another relationship. This will be especially hard if you’re afraid to be alone. I’m developing a process that called the Completion Process that is designed to restore us to a state of wholeness. Hopefully by the time you watch this, I will be done with the process and you can incorporate it into your life. Part of becoming whole is coming back to yourself and finding yourself again. Who am I? What do I want? What do I need? What changes do I want to make to my life? Think back to a time when you were truly happy in an autonomous way in your life. What things were you doing then? Add some of those things back into your life. Often break ups call for starting over as if from square one and going in a whole new direction. Our priorities have to shift. We have to be willing to do that. We have to take steps to feel like ourselves again because we have lost ourselves. Even the people who decide to end relationships go through a period of feeling lost without the other person. If you are feeling lost, you can look up my YouTube video titled “Feeling Lost and Ten Steps to Becoming Found.”
Change up your life so it feels new. This might be as drastic as moving to a new city or house or it may be as simple as re-decorating or moving the furniture around or cooking new foods or changing something about your physical appearance. Changing things in your life around, especially the things that remind you of the pain of the loss is crucial. Don’t be afraid to put away the reminders you have of them. This may feel scary because you don’t want to lose any more connection to them. But remind yourself; you’re not getting rid of the reminder (unless you need to do that to let go). You’re just boxing it up so it’s out of sight. You can still take it out anytime you want to, or throw it away if/when the time ever feels right
We have to address the negative thoughts like core beliefs and worries that have developed as a result of the pain of the heartbreak. Things like “I’m never going to trust anyone ever again.” Or “I can’t make relationships work” etc. We especially want to address and shift the “shoulds”. Something that causes us extreme pain in breakups is the fact that we think it should have gone differently. We think something has gone wrong in order for us to be where we are. For example, it’s common to think that if we were married, we obviously should have spent the rest of our lives together. When we think we should have spent the rest of our lives together, but we aren’t spending the rest of our lives together, we feel pain. So identify the painful beliefs you have right now that are adding to the heartbreak and take a look at my YouTube video titled “How to Change a Belief”. Also look into Byron Katie’s process called “The Work”.
Ask Why. A lot of people who coach about heartbreak will tell you not to ask why. I could not disagree more. It is critical that we learn from each experience we have in life. Whilst maintaining the understanding that there is a much more beautiful and positive big picture behind why it ultimately happened, it is crucial that we develop awareness. This will also help us to uncover patterns within us so we can stop repeating them. Even when we say we do not know why, we usually always do know why. We just have to admit it to ourselves.
People come in and out of our lives for a reason. We may be telling ourselves the story that they came into our lives for one reason (like because they are our soul mate) when in fact; they came into our lives for a whole other reason. Stay open to the idea that they have come to give you part of the puzzle and begin to look for what part or parts of the puzzle they may have come to give you. It is very tempting when we feel heartbroken to feel like the world is against us. Looking for the positive things that came as a result of the relationship, including what the relationship caused you to know that you want is a great way to get out of the feeling that you have been nothing but harmed.
Sit down and figure out what is RIGHT with you. When we experience a break up, usually our self worth tanks along with it and adds to the heartbreak. We tend to immediately begin to think about what is wrong about ourselves. For example, if we broke up with someone, we might be thinking that something is wrong with us because we can’t make a relationship last long term. On the other hand, if someone broke up with us, we might be thinking that something is wrong with us because obviously if we were worth something, they would have loved us enough to stay with us. We have to shift our focus to our strengths and the things that make us worth connecting with. If you need help figuring it out, call on your friends and ask them each to compile a list. Or take strengths tests on the internet. Then figure out how each positive aspect of you has helped you and will help you in your life. And figure out how each aspect may be something that would benefit other people in a way that they would want to be with you.
Feel the support and connection of others in your life. Allow community into your life. When we are feeling heartbreak, we feel it because we experienced a disconnection. This is a perfect time to work on receiving energy. If you’re having trouble with receiving, watch my YouTube video titled “How To Receive”. Connecting with others will also help you to feel like you are not alone so anxiety is less likely to be triggered. You may not feel capable of connecting with people in the state of pain that you’re in. But it will help you. Because you are suffering from the absence of someone, having the presence of someone does help improve the situation.
Think about the best-case scenario. When we suffer a heartbreak we usually go to the worst case scenario. Where would you be in a year from now, in the best-case scenario? Where would you live? Who would be there? What would your career look like? The more detailed you can get the better. Ultimately everything does happen for the highest good even when we cannot see it. And the reality is, when the door closed to the relationship you are grieving, another opened, potentially for the very future you’ve always dreamed about.
Let yourself cry when you feel the urge to cry. Suppression is the opposite of healing. Crying may feel embarrassing. Get over the social stigma and let it out. You will not regret it. Release the pent up tension and the pent up emotions through your tears.
Relax your body. Relaxing your body, relaxes the mind. Relaxing your mind relaxes the body; it’s a two way street. When we have experienced a break up, it is very hard to relax our mind, so we can approach relaxation instead on a physical level. The physically painful sensations in our body occur when our nerves are stimulated by stress hormones. We need to take whatever steps we can to get our body to a state of ease. This means, put on a song that positively alters the way you feel or get a massage or do yoga or exercise or paint or sculpt or have someone lightly brush your skin with their fingertips or buy a compression vest or do breathing exercises specifically for stress or take an Epsom salt bath. Do anything that would bring your body into a state of ease.
Meditate daily. Meditation allows the mind to release its thoughts. This is critical during a break up. It also connects us with source perspective, i.e. the bigger picture. We come into a state of allowing, which is the most healing of all states.
Write in your Gratitude and/or positive focus journal. When we experience a heartbreak, it is almost like the world has turned black. We feel terrible because we can’t see anything but the negative. So every morning and every night, we need to write a page in our gratitude journal or our positive aspects journal. This is a list of literally anything that you appreciate or that causes you to feel gratitude or that feels good to think about or look at or experience. When you are in emotional pain, it is best to think small. Write down the tiny things that you appreciate cause most likely the big things aren’t going so good right now. And be honest. You can only put things on this list that genuinely feel good to put down. Not things you think should make you feel good to put down. When we do this before bed, our sleep will be better and we will wake up in the same vibration we went to sleep in; which is improved. When we wake up and do this, we set the stage for the rest of the day. This is really important if we are going through heartbreak because when we are heartbroken, we usually wake up and the heartache hits us like a semi truck again and the rest of the day we spend just trying to cope and stay alive instead of living.
Practice the art of self-love. If you are going through heartbreak, someone telling you to love yourself feels the same as someone telling you that you will be alone for the rest of your life with no one to love you. This is not what it means. This universe operates according to the law of attraction. It is like a big mirror. So whatever vibration you hold, is reflected by the universe. This means the more love you send in your direction, the more people will come into your life who will also send love in your direction. Self hurt is what is behind self hate, so loving yourself will also prevent you from hurting yourself; which to add injury to injury, is a common side effect of heartbreak. I have written a book called “Shadows Before Dawn” which is all about how to love yourself. It is available as of May of 2015. So if you’d like to learn how to love yourself, pick up a copy of the book.
We need to allow ourselves to gain closure. Ask yourself, what do I need right now that will help me to gain closure? Define the loose ends and things that linger which are preventing you from moving forward emotionally. Maybe you feel you need to apologize, maybe you feel like you need to ask why, maybe you need to find out how to avoid the same mistake in the future, maybe you need to give something you’ve been keeping away. Maybe you need to have a symbolic ceremony. Let yourself gain closure in whatever way you need to.
Seek out therapy. There are many different kinds of therapy. Research and find the type that resonates the most with you. Some therapies deal entirely with broken relationships. If you have lost your secure attachment to someone because of a break up or betrayal, a therapist can serve as a secure attachment figure. This is in fact the main reason why therapy is so therapeutic. We need to be able to get help when we feel we need help and heartbreak is a valid reason to seek out help. Allow yourself to feel sorry for your loss. The people who stay stuck in heartbreak are usually the people who never fully let themselves grieve or feel sorry for the loss.
In reality, we are all made of the same energy. We are part of the same unified field of energy. So even if the circumstances and life arrangements change and even if we separate from someone physically, we cannot ever lose them. We cannot actually disconnect from someone, we can only create the illusion of doing so. Ultimately there is no coming and there is no going. You cannot lose your interconnectedness because it is the basis of all that is.
Pain is temporary. It doesn’t feel like it when you’re feeling pain, which is why pain is so excruciating. Embrace the pain as if it were a crying child. Your pain is not trying to hurt you, instead it is hurting and it needs you to help it.
The answer is no. Because when we are asking that question, we don’t actually love someone, instead we are in love with them. Love is a state of oneness. By loving someone, you include them as yourself. It is a state of appreciation for someone or something. Love in fact has no need to attach to someone or something (to form a singular relationship) because it does not recognize separation. When separation is recognized, what we get is this thing we call falling in love. Falling in love is a state of intense attraction towards someone. And with attraction, we must consider that there is much more at work in the situation than love. Also, we have a conscious definition of love and a subconscious definition of love. Our subconscious definition of love is often quite sad in fact. Love on a subconscious level, is all the association we have with home, our childhood home to be exact. So, if home meant disappointment and betrayal and loneliness, then our subconscious definition of love is those things and we will meet someone who makes us feel that way and our subconscious mind goes “Ah this must be love”. To become attracted to something, just like a magnet, there must be polarity between you and that thing.
But polarity is much more complex than two things being the opposite of each other. To have polarity, we must reject an aspect of the wholeness of ourselves. This means, to come into this life as a male, I must reject the aspect of me that is female and to come into this life female, I must reject the aspect of me that is male. This becomes my “missing self”. And so, in order to become whole again, I must reunite with my missing self. Now, the shadow side of my being is born. That aspect of me is now something I am unconscious of. I can reunite with my denied, rejected, suppressed aspect internally or externally. Externally, I fall in love with what I have lost.
Let’s take this to the new level. The things about us that we deny, reject, suppress and disown that cause the problems in our relationships are the aspects we dissociate from because of trauma that we have experienced. Being born relationally dependent into families that socialize us into a society that is not fully evolved yet makes it so that we learn that some aspects of ourselves are acceptable, and others are not. What is acceptable vs. unacceptable depends on the perspective of the family you’re born into. The aspects of us that are seen as unacceptable (both positive and negative) are rejected by our family and the aspects that are seen as acceptable are not. So, being relationally dependent, in the name of survival, we do anything we can to disown and deny and suppress those aspects in ourselves that are disapproved of whilst exaggerating those that are approved of. We dissociate from what we disapprove of. This self-preservation instinct is our first act of self-rejection. An example of this is that if we grow up in a family where we felt terror, but that terror was unacceptable, we suppressed it and denied it and now that terror and fear became subconscious. We overcompensate for whatever trait we have denied. For example, the person who suppressed the aspect of themselves that is a striver, becomes apathetic. The person who suppressed the aspect of themselves that was apathetic, is such a striver, they excel at everything. So what do we do? We become romantically attracted to people into our lives who mirror the aspect of ourselves we are missing. We are a perfect match to them. Together we feel more whole. This means the person who is apathetic will end up with a success freak and both of them will be caused pain by the other because each is a reminder of the rejected aspect of themselves. They reflect to each other, each of their lost selves. I briefly explained why this causes us pain in my video on YouTube titled Projection. But for the sake of this article, let’s understand that when we see positive aspects of ourselves that we denied in other people, it causes us to fall in love. It feels like our opportunity to become more whole. We want more of it. We become addicted to it. We glorify it and put it on a pedestal and even idolize it. Need is that starved feeling of craving something or someone. Desire does not hurt like need does because it is not necessarily coming from a space of lack. Our conscious self has desires. These desires are things we want but not things we feel we will die without. The subconscious mind however, has needs. Things we want and do think we will die without. Instead of getting too complicated with this, I’ll just say that your subconscious self has different needs in a relationship than your conscious self. And the subconscious mind will win out. That is where the all-powerful intense attraction to someone is actually coming from as opposed to the conscious intimate connection and appreciation of someone. Having said that, it is possible to feel that all-powerful intense attraction to someone that is motivated by the subconscious self and also have a high degree of conscious attraction. But more often than not, when we have chronically painful relationships, the conscious mind is not even factoring into our relationship choices. We are simply like a starving person, compelled by an inner void to find any way we can to fill that void. That spark we felt of attraction goes away in the relationship when we attach to the other person in the same way that the magnets, once they touch form a complete circuit. Because that point of attraction is now fulfilled and our partner has taken the place of what is missing. All we are left with is what’s left over after that. Sometimes we find that we actually consciously dislike the person we partnered with after our subconscious needs were fulfilled. Here is an example, a woman may consciously know that her motivation to have a partner is an intimate connection where she and he understand each other and are unconditionally available for each other. But the subconscious mind might have the motivation to be safe. Because of this, she never stays single long enough to find someone who fits what she consciously wants in a partner. Instead she may end up forming a relationship with the first person who crosses her path that fits her subconscious definition of love which is safety. And if safety is a relationship in general, she will have no discernment and will boomerang from one relationship to the next for the sake of safety. For most of us it is our subconscious that walks us into relationships, not our conscious and our subconscious mind is full of shadows. Then guess what happens? Those shadows are mirrored by our partner. And more than that, once our subconscious needs are met, suddenly we see that our conscious desires are going totally unfulfilled. So in the above scenario, once this woman is with a man who makes her feel safe, she will begin to be highly bothered that he is incapable of intimate connection and does not try to understand her and is emotionally unavailable. Ready for the extra layer? She has attracted this man both because of the subconscious need she has, but also because of her past wounds that she is trying to heal. We call this love reincarnation. If we had a primary attachment figure who did not love us in the way we needed to be loved, we continually fall in love with people who have similar attributes to that person so we can try to heal that wound. So chances are, our example woman had a daddy who was not emotionally available and who didn’t try to understand her and who was incapable of intimate connection. On a higher universal level, by being with a man who is like that, she has an opportunity to heal her own past wounds, become more whole in and of herself. On a lower level, she is convinced that if she gets a man like daddy, and get him to be available to her and understand her and form an intimate bond with her, she’s solved her past wound. It must be said that people with less wounds or less trauma, make better relationship decisions because subconscious wounds aren’t compelling them into relationships. There is much more conscious to the relationship than subconscious. Our intense attraction to other people has much more to do with past wounds and traumatic experiences than it has anything to do with real love. And it compels us to make life choices for ourselves that ultimately are a step towards healing but are also by default a step towards serious hurt. This is not to say that you should fear that feeling of intense attraction. It is to say that whenever we feel that intense feeling of falling in love, we must be completely aware that our subconscious mind is at work trying to get it’s needs met. We should put effort into finding out our subconscious motivations for the relationship. We must be prepared to encounter huge shadows. Hopefully, we have chosen a partner that is prepared to face those shadows as well and with us. It must be said that if two people were capable of working through the shadows that arise in their relationship so as to become two whole beings in one relationship, instead of two halves of a whole person, all that would be left in the wake is love. At that point, the choice of whether to be committed to one another exclusively in marriage for example would be a deliberate lifestyle choice rather than a choice motivated by internal compulsion. Yes, I know it sounds less romantic but anyone who has experienced the peaceful embrace of this kind of love will tell you how amazing it really is. If we become completely whole in and of ourselves, what is the point of coming together? You have to ask yourself that question, knowing that if you get to that point yourself, the answer may change. But maybe it will be to share our wholeness, to genuinely love one another, to witness one another and to share our life experience.
The studies done on arranged marriage have perplexed people because not only do they show a higher rate of long-term success, they also show higher rates of satisfaction among participants. If people aren’t choosing partners based on love, how can that lead to happiness? Let’s take the lack of freedom out of the equation and look at the real reason for these results. It is because in an arranged marriage, attraction is not the thing that is leading the decision to get married. That means, the subconscious and all the wounds therein are not leading the people into the relationship. Happiness therefore is really left up to whether the couple is compatible or not. If yes, genuine love is more likely to result from the union, if not, it will be an unhappy marriage. Genuine love is easier to develop when the subconscious and all its various wounds are not involved in the matchmaking business. The bottom line is, we must question our chemistry. When we say things like “It just feels right” or “We have great chemistry”, it means there is polarization present in the relationship and that means there are shadows at play that we are currently unconscious of. And if you felt empty before you got into the relationship, you will end up feeling just as empty after you get into the relationship. It’s just that those fairy tales you’ve been watching on TV, always cut out after they commit to one another, so you never get to see that part of the story. On a universal level, it serves you to leap on your feelings of intense attraction that you call falling in love. This, leads to expansion. Nothing will mirror your unconscious to you larger and thus cause you to become conscious faster. So it is not wrong to jump on those feelings. This universe benefits by you doing so. But great expansion always involves great contrast. And so we must beware of thinking that those feelings are any indication of a promise of relationship happiness.
When we are swept up in the intensity of the feeling of the intense chemistry or attraction, we often ignore the red flags and do not stop to examine the rest of the relationship. Once the attraction turns into a relationship, we are floored in the relationship. We fall from the cloud we were on and our life becomes about the challenging realities of sharing our life with another human being. Most people put more effort into deciding what they are going to eat for breakfast every day than they put into deciding who they want to have a relationship with. When we feel the intense connection and chemistry and all of the potential that holds for the future, instead of day dreaming about our future together, it is a good idea to imagine stripping that aspect of the relationship away and looking at what is left behind. If there were no attraction, would I be compatible with this person? Love does not conquer all when it comes to relationships. Think back to your past relationships and ask yourself… No problem or conflict is insurmountable if we love enough. Is this true about your past relationships?
It is possible to love someone and for it to be a bad decision to make the lifestyle choice to be with them in a relationship. For example, we may love someone in the army, but know that we are going to be miserable if we are left on our own for months if not years at a time with our partner overseas. We need to play the tape forward to see what our future might actually feel like when we are sitting alone in our house and when our partner is missing Christmas and Birthdays. Some people could do that, some people couldn’t. If you’re a person who couldn’t and you chose to be in a relationship with someone in the army anyway, your relationship is headed for pain. We should never put commitment before compatibility. But once we have established compatibility, we must commit for the relationship to work. Regardless of how much you love each other, your differences are going to matter. Relationships rarely ever end because two people do not love each other enough. They usually end because the two people were not consciously compatible or consciously committed. There is a saying “As long as two people want to make it work, they can make it work.” This is accurate. Love does overcome many things. But many things, it does not overcome. What we find when true incompatibility is present, is that the two people have desires that are pulling in two opposing directions. They are opposing to a degree that they cannot accommodate one another. So the desire to make it work goes away. It feels more like forcing oneself sideways. Some differences can be accommodated in a way where both partners are happy. Others cannot. We should always look for a 3rd option, or a way to accommodate differences if we have already committed and incompatibility is arising. But we also have to know that if there is no way to accommodate both people’s desires and stay together, the relationship commitment should end.
It is not any more or less smart to act on intense feelings of attraction as long as you are aware of what you want more. Do you want the fastest expansion and personal growth you can get? If so, definitely follow your intense attractions. Or do you want a peaceful, tranquil union for a relationship? If so, do not follow your intense attractions over sensibility. If your goal is not rapid healing and quick enlightenment, if instead your goal was to be genuinely peacefully happy in a relationship you have to practice the following mantra: Love is not enough. Love needs conscious compatibility and commitment.
Give the person you want to connect with your undivided, unconditional, focused presence. When you give someone your full attention, you are giving them the full presence of your consciousness and if connection is the prerogative, this is absolutely necessary. Do not confuse this with aggression, this is not forcing yourself on someone, this is gifting your energy to someone.
Use body language that is open to them. Smile, look them in the eye, uncross your arms and legs, make sure your chest is facing them and that you aren’t turned to the side. Your body needs to say, “I’m open to you and I’d like to connect and receive and be received. This body language is open and inviting, not aggressive.
Become interested in them. You will get more friends by becoming interested in other people than you ever will by trying to get people to be interested in you. Set out to learn about them. You can even pretend that you are mentally designing a manual for them. The energy you want to give off is that you really want to know them and relate to them, not that you want to get something from them. If you don’t have a genuine interest in the person you’re trying to connect with, stop trying. Everyone can pick up on the truth of how you really feel it’s just that most people aren’t brave enough to call it like it is.
Seek out your common ground. This builds instant rapport. It is also a great skill when you are trying to socially connect with someone who has very different viewpoints and feelings about life than you do. For example, let’s say one of you is getting a degree in accounting and one of you is getting a degree in archaeology but you both like climbing. Climbing is your common ground. Talk about climbing. Pay very close attention to what someone says and does in order to recognize the common ground between you.
Aim for intimacy. This is not surface stuff. This is knowing and being know n for who you really are. If you want a surface relationship, you don’t really want to connect with someone, you just want someone to share your space.
What is intimacy? It’s not sex. Sex can be intimate sex. But intimacy is a whole other thing. You can break the word intimacy down into into-me-see. Quite literally, to develop intimacy, we practice seeing into the other person, feeling into them, understanding them. With intimacy, you have a shared experience of emotional and mental and if the situation calls for it, physical closeness.
Ask them questions. A person, who does not want to answer questions, is either apprehensive about connection or does not want it and is therefore not receptive to connection. This does not work very well. You can learn to connect with someone who fears connection but whom wants to connect, but you will find it nearly impossible to connect with someone who literally doesn’t want to connect. So make sure the person you are trying to connect with actually wants to connect. And if connection is what you want, do not spend your time trying to convince someone to want to connect with you. Find someone who does. Ask deep questions that reveal the inner world of the person and their values and likes and dislikes, beliefs, opinions, dreams and struggles. A relationship is based on sharing, so be prepared to answer the very same questions you ask. Asking someone questions only feels like an interrogation if you are asking questions but are avoiding answering them yourself. Also, some people have the tendency to ask questions only so they can talk about themselves. Make sure this is not your intention. This is also a barrier to connection.
When they tell you about themselves, receive them without trying to fix them or change their minds. Listen to them with your eyes, ears, mind and heart. A huge part of connecting is providing a safe space to connect. This is the responsibility of both people. People are afraid to share the truth of themselves with you because they are afraid of the consequence and so, let there be no consequence. Even if you disagree with their opinion, treat their opinion as important for them and remind yourself that there is a valid reason they feel that way. Antagonism kills connection. Remember that people need their emotions received more so than anything else. For more information about how to approach emotions in relationships watch my video on YouTube titled “Emotional Wake Up Call.”
Initiate. This is especially true for men because masculinity is a forward moving energy and you’ve reversed your polarity if you have fallen into the purely passive, receptive role. Most of us spend our time waiting for someone to connect with us. We must get over this tendency and be willing to go to the places where people we want to connect with reside and initiate contact with people. Here’s a secret, nearly everyone on this earth is insecure and afraid to be the one to speak first so might as well be you.
Be honest, genuine and authentic. Transparency rules the day when it comes to connection. One of the best things to do when you’re trying to make a connection with someone is to pay them a compliment. But the compliment must be sincere and genuine for it to have any effect at all. You’re not going to be able to keep up a façade so don’t even think about putting your best foot forward, just put your usual foot forward. Also, if you try to play a role instead of be yourself exactly as you are here and now, people who connect with you are the ones who love the role and not you.
It’s better to go through lots of rejections upfront to get to the one person who loves exactly what they see in you, than to waste months connecting with someone only to have them leave or become disinterested the minute you settle back into being who you really are and saying how you really feel and what you really want. People are all sensitive to energy, whether they know it or not. The scariest thing in the world is pretense. They can feel it if you are acting and looking and saying one thing when the feeling of the you that is underneath is contrary to that.
Be open. Let yourself be an open book. Openness is emotional generosity. If you want connection, you’ve got to let someone into you and you’ve got to be willing to go into them. Vulnerability is a big part of connection. Vulnerability is scary but if you’re unwilling to be brave enough to be vulnerable, you will never truly connect with others. If you’re resistant to being open, figure out what you are trying to hide and why? What are you ashamed of or afraid of? The only reason you would hide something from anyone is because you are afraid of some kind of consequence. Should you really be ashamed of any aspect of yourself that is true?
You can’t hide things from people forever. I’d say it’s better to tell people upfront than to disillusion them later. Besides, you’re looking for someone who wants to connect with all of you. The real point of connection is to find someone who can be fully with you with the positive and with the negative, not someone who needs all of your life to be positive to love you. This is conditional love. Include them in your life. Sometimes, offering information about yourself even if they don’t ask for it, helps other people feel included by you and wanted by you. Share your passion with the person. Demonstrating passion opens people up to you and often makes them feel inspired and energized.
Relate to them. Empathize, be compassionate and find ways to help them to feel valid and convey that you understand them and relate. If we really want to connect with someone, we have to be willing to feel what they feel. We must be willing to step into their shoes completely. It may help to literally imagine experiencing their perspective in first person perspective so as to relate to them completely. Pay special attention to the fact that sometimes, we think we’re relating when we’re really just using their story as an excuse to tell our similar story. We’re much more interested in them hearing our story than we are about having them feel heard and understood. This makes them feel insignificant and like you’ve just used them as a stage to stand upon and crow. If you want them to care about your experience, you’ve got to genuinely care about theirs. Steer completely clear of reinforcing the idea that you don’t understand their viewpoint. Some well meaning people do this and it completely kills connection and makes people feel like they are all alone. Here’s an example: Someone expresses that they never knew their family. You jump in and say oh how sad, I loved my family, they were awesome I just don’t know where I’d be without them, especially my mom. You’ve just created separation not connection. You’ve just made them feel alone in their opinion or feeling. If they ask you about your family, you can be honest, but you can be honest without rubbing salt in someone’s wounds or establishing a feeling of separation.
Be thoughtful and mindful of the other person. Be demonstrative with your care. In other words, demonstrate that you know and care about someone. Extending energy towards other people is essential when it comes to connection. Remember important dates; remember things about them that are important so that they can see that you have really taken them to heart. Refer back to things they have said at earlier dates to show that you remember. Make them a priority in your life. It’s difficult to connect with someone when the message you keep giving him or her is “you’re not important to me”. So make sure the people you want to connect with are actually important and are actually a priority to you. Be helpful where you can be helpful. Before you help someone simply ask yourself the question “By helping in this way am I sending the message that they need to be fixed or that something about them is not ok?” If not, go ahead and help. Or help while making it known that you don’t need them to be fixed in any way, you simply thought it would bring them some happiness. For more information on helping other people, watch my YouTube video titled “To Help or Not To Help”.
Practice exuding warmth and positive energy to people; this helps them to feel comfortable and welcomed by you. People are very energy sensitive. Here is a good technique for doing this… As you are walking down the street, and you pass complete strangers, you have to specifically look for something in the person that you like or appreciate or love about them. And mentally say “I love you for (fill in the blank)". And then mentally say why you love that about them. And finish it with “I love you for that”. As you say those words, imaging sending that energy out your heart chakra towards them as if sending the message as an invisible signal to their hearts. For example, if you pass a woman you might say “I love you for the way you are holding your child’s hands because I can see you are nurturing and loving and it is helping him to feel secure, I love you for that. You do this exercise, like a silent practice as you walk around the town with as many people as you can. But it’s better to do 5 people in a really focused way where you’re really feeling the love and appreciation for them rather than 20 where you’re not really focused and only mildly feel the appreciation for them. A bonus is that you are causing a ripple in the collective consciousness. You’ll be blown away at how different your interactions with people will be.
And now for those of you who want to go deeper, and have a genuine experience of someone’s soul, I have a technique for you. Lets call this “The Connection Technique” because this technique is the ultimate form of connection. It can also be extremely difficult to do because it is so utterly frightening when you are not used to really letting someone in or going into someone. This technique must be done with someone who wants to do this exercise with you. It is critical to do this process with someone who is not a stranger until you have no more fear of connecting with others. Make sure the person you’re doing this with is someone you already feel a high degree of trust in. The new age trend of eye gazing with strangers, is not one that I support because people are not actually connecting with one another, they are simply encountering each other’s walls. A person would literally need to be in an enlightened state to be able to successfully do this with a stranger.
Choose a place with no distractions and sit down in front of one another cross-legged and across from each other. Take off all your jewelry; especially crystals, protective stones and leather. You want to be as naked a possible with the other, with no barriers between you. If you are doing this with a partner, it is best to literally do this naked.
Loosely connect your hands or arms with each other in a comfortable and relaxed way.
Close your eyes and begin to imagine or sense or feel you opening up each of your chakras from the base chakra to the crown chakra. And after a time, imagine or sense or feel yourself breathing in the other person’s energy through your mouth, but also through each one of your chakras, so you are drawing their energy deliberately into your core.
Begin to imagine or sense or feel your separate sense of self, dissolving. In true connection, the ego (identity) ceases to exist. For some people, this and the steps to come will be a frightening experience. Because the ego often thinks that connection means that it will die. We have to quite literally decide that connection is more important than living and that connection is worth the risk of death. It takes immense bravery. We often have to decide that it is better to have connection and lose it than never to have it at all to be able to do this part of the exercise and the rest that is to follow.
Look at each other directly in the eyes, deep into the pupil of the eye. It’s ok if you choose to focus on one specific eye or you can relax your gaze to look at both.
We decide who is going first. Who will be the receiver and who will be the journeyer. The receiver is going to be the one who opens up for the other to spiritually enter them. The journeyer is going to spiritually venture into the receiver. The journeyer enters the receiver through the pupil of the eye as if sinking into a black hole. If you are really struggling letting each other in, lay or hold each other chest-to-chest so that the area just over each of your hearts is touching. Meditate for a time on the feeling of the energy between your hearts being exchanged as if they are beating energy into each other’s chests and then resume where you left off.
The receiver focuses on inviting the journeyer in, breathing the journeyer in and imagining or sensing or feeling themselves open up to take them in. The receiver simply focuses on allowing, surrender and on the feeling of the journeyer’s presence entering them.
The journeyer focuses on using their consciousness to penetrate deeper and deeper into the person, like a being that is exploring a foreign planet. Curiosity and non-judgment are crucial. The journeyer projects love and gratitude into the receiver as they move deeper and deeper. Conveying any messages mentally, emotionally or energetically that they feel would help the receiver to open up further or any message they feel the receiver needs to hear. These messages can be spoken in the mind or they can be spoken out loud. For example, if you run into a wall within a person that you feel is there because it doesn’t want to let something in that it may lose, you can say out loud to the receiver “I’m never going to leave you”.
If you (the journeyer) are struggling with your own fear, it is an option to let go of your own self interest for a time and focus entirely on performing the journey in the interest of what the other person needs and meeting those needs. When this is the case, your ego sees you as the helper, which boosts your self-esteem and so the ego supports the mission instead of resists it.
During this process, all of your walls or blockages (both the receiver’s and the journeyers) will come up. These walls are belief patterns and emotional patterns that have resulted from life trauma experienced by the receiver and yourself. Usually more walls come up for the receiver. These can be visual or mental or even just walls that you feel between you and the experience. You will both run into them. This is especially true because most people are multi layered, so as you enter into them you will experience layer after layer after layer. As you sink into deeper and deeper and deeper layers within them, some light, some dark, some positive feeling, some negative feeling you will find that in front of some of these layers, are energetic and emotional walls. When you encounter a wall within you or within the other person, your aim is to learn from it. The thing that breaks down walls the very best is awareness. You’ve got to know why the wall (which is a subconscious thing) is there. What is it trying to prevent? Why has it chosen this feel or appearance? Let your intuition speak to you and hand you insight about each wall that you encounter. Subconscious walls cannot withstand consciousness. They usually begin the dissolve once we are conscious of them and their purpose. You can then reassure the wall that it is ok to no longer exist and express your intentions for journeying deeper. Then imagine or sense or feel it dissolving in the way it needs to be dissolved. It’s a good idea if you are the journeyer to ask permission to go beyond the wall. Beware that some people will experience their walls being broken either by themselves or by the journeyer a trauma, and so these walls should be loved into non existence instead of broken. Some walls do not feel like walls at all, but more like funnels or plastic barriers or electric barriers. All of this is normal. If a wall absolutely does not want to come down, we need to honor that fact and allow it to be there instead of force our way in. But remember that if we cannot get past the wall, we can always ask the receiver to help us take it down and this will dissolve the wall.
As you move through these layers and walls, the best way to get through them deeper and deeper is to melt through them as the journeyer and for you to let the other melt through them if you’re the receiver. You melt and allow melting by completely being willing to experience whatever sensations of feelings or sights you see. For example, if you experience numbness, you surrender to the experience of numbness and you settle into the numbness without resisting it at all. If fear comes up, be present with the fear, like you are keeping it company and are open to feeling it completely, letting it consume you even. You keep breathing as you welcome the experience. If you feel resistance, you simply breathe while you remain completely unconditionally present with the feelings you are feeling. In the absence of resistance to the experience, staying with the experience no matter what for as long as it takes, it is as if your soul has nothing to come up against and so it melts through one layer to the next to the next to the next. A person who is afraid of feeling their own feelings will have a very hard time feeling other people’s feelings. Do not be alarmed if you experience severe visual distortions and feeling states during this exercise. It may at ties feel like you are hallucinating. This is all normal so remember to allow it completely.
You have a choice. Either you can match the frequency of the particular layer you are in, completely experiencing it in your being. So for example if you hit a layer of grief, you can let the grief become you. You can feel what the receiver feels at that layer and practice true empathy or, you can match the frequency of the person’s eternal soul (often called the higher self, which holds a frequency of pure appreciative love for the receiver) and you can descend through each layer lovingly embracing your way through each one. Trust your intuition to know which one is the most needed by the receiver. Either way you are matching their frequency (just a different aspect of their frequency) and thus making a genuine empathetic connection.
As the journeyer, we want to see and feel the receiver completely. We want to know them completely. As the receiver, we want to be seen, be felt and be understood completely. As fears come up, let them be there, let them occupy the space between you, as if you are both cradling each other’s fears between you, taking care of the fragile trust between you.
We are present with the exercise until we feel that we have reached a state of completion. Often this is when we have gone all the way through the person’s layers back to their source essence. Make sure that you do not stop or retreat until you have reached and explored the positive feeling layers that exist beneath the negative feeling layers. For example, say you are in a layer of anger or hatred. Remain fully and completely with that layer within the person and stay with it as you sink down into the layer innocence that is underneath it and spend time there, in that positive feeling layer before you bring the journeying to a close. Many people carry barriers and beliefs that people cannot truly connect with them or will abandon them because of their darker layers. And so, withdrawing from these layers will energetically re-traumatize the person.
When we have completed our journey, we switch roles and the journeyer becomes the receiver and the process is repeated. When we are done, we discuss what we each experienced. We begin to process what has occurred together.
Believe me when I say that I could never describe this process in enough detail for you to fully understand it, it is something that must be experienced instead. And each experience is unique because each person is unique. If we are ever struggling to understand each other or connect with each other, we should do this process. So don’t think that you should journey into someone only once.
Be prepared for all of your shadows of loneliness or isolation or loss to come up in the wake of this process. Connection flushes to the surface, anything unlike itself so that it may be integrated into our conscious awareness. This is the path of healing, but the path of healing is not always a comfortable one. So it is important if you have shared this connection to really be there for each other in the wake of the experience.
This is a sacred experience. It is to be treated with the utmost care. We are now trusted with the authentic truth of another human being. They have entered a vulnerable space so as to give themselves to us, both their power and their frailty. We must honor that trust or else we are not in a space of integrity.
Separation is the real hell on earth. And the worst version of this hell is when we are physically surrounded by people, but we are emotionally or mentally isolated inside of ourselves. so many people on earth suffer in this way. The antidote to suffering is connection. It is the willingness to join people where they are, no matter whether where they are is in joy or in pain and be with them there unconditionally. To do this is to say, I don’t care whether you are in rain or shine as long as I am with you. This is what we have always wanted. Give this gift to someone today.
Emptiness is like an inner void. Often times it is so painful that the word emptiness doesn’t really cover it. It feels more like a starvation or an inner vacuum or black hole or chasm. The most important quality though to recognize is the lack. Emptiness is a state of lack. And lack tips us off to the fact that we are missing something. The key is finding out exactly what we are missing, exactly what we are lacking. What is it that you lost?
When we are young, our consciousness (sometimes referred to as our soul) becomes fractured by traumatic experiences in our life. We suppress, deny, disown and dissociate from aspects of ourselves in order to be accepted and survive within the social group we are born into. These aspects of us are frozen in time and so they do not come with us into the present. I discussed this concept in the video on YouTube titled “Projection”.
Now here’s the best part and the part that applies most to emptiness. If in our past, we experienced trauma as a result of one of our needs not being met, the aspect of ourselves that could not get that need met, is still stuck in time unresolved. We experience that need being unmet in present time as well. So often, the thing we are lacking or missing, is that need that was not met at the time in our past that the trauma occurred. For example, say we were wounded as a child because we felt no sense of belonging with our family, that lack of belonging becomes a traumatic imprint. We feel the lack of belonging and that is really what the emptiness in our adult life is about.
When we feel emptiness, because it is like an internal starvation, it is so uncomfortable that we do anything we can to try to escape the feeling. Many self-help experts will say that people try to fill in the void. This is actually not true at all. The problem is that no one tries to fill in the void. No one tries to fill the void with what the void is lacking. They instead try to distract themselves from the void with things like drugs and food and shopping and sex. I will tip you off to the fact that most people who struggle with chronic emptiness had parents who were incapable of intimacy, especially emotional connection. As a result, their inner world did not feel seen, heard, felt, understood or validated, so not only did this wound them, it made them subconsciously conclude that there must be nothing there. Emotional neglect is the cause of the inner void. If you struggle with a feeling of emptiness, try to feel for what you are empty of, what you are missing. Is it belonging? Is it meaning? Is it love? Is it connection? Is it purpose? Are you lonely (lacking someone’s unconditional presence)? And then work on manifesting that in your life. Begin by looking for how that thing is already in your reality. For example, if you lack a sense of belonging, force yourself to think of ways that you do already belong. If it is a lack of self-love, practice self-love.
Also, meet your needs. This one is imperative. Now a lot of people have got it into their heads that needs are not ok. But everyone has needs, whether they want to admit it or not. What makes a need painful is when we think we can’t get what we need. And often the reason we think we can’t get our need met is because we think we have to meet the need ourselves by ourselves, as if it is possible to be an island unto ourselves. The river doesn’t drink itself my friends. Many times the empowering thing is not just to meet a need ourselves, it is to take action to get up and go find someone to meet the need; or to open up so someone can meet the need. For example, if you’re need is for company, don’t spend your time trying to figure out how to be your own company, just go find company.
Also, any time we feel that inner emptiness, we want to do the process I created for healing the emotional body. This process actually brings disowned, rejected and denied aspects of ourselves back to the present so the trauma is resolved and the emptiness goes away entirely. I presented this process in my video titled “How to Heal The Emotional Body”. We must sink into the emptiness and learn from it and discover all we can about it and fill the emptiness with our own unconditional presence.
We often think that emptiness is a difficult problem to solve. Actually, it is one of the easiest problems to solve because it is literally a matter of meeting our unmet needs.
The crown chakra is located at the very top of your head. If you place your thumbs at the top of your ears and extend your index fingers straight to meet each other, and then lower them to touch the top of your head, that is where your crown chakra is. The crown chakra is the chakra most associated with our spiritual connection. This is a fairly odd view because all chakras are in fact part of our spiritual connection. The physical body is a manifestation of source energy and so it is no less spiritual than the etheric body. But the crown chakra is associated with our conscious connection to source or the divine. It is seen as a bridge to the cosmos. When the crown chakra is open and in alignment, it’s appearance can look a bit like a halo, which is in fact one reason why so may of the spiritual drawings done thousands of years ago of spiritually transcendent beings like angels or saints show them with halos. As a person progresses through the path of awareness, the energy coming through this chakra (and all of the chakras in fact) has the tendency to change color from a deep violet purple, to a white light. The crown chakra is the center of consciousness, highest potential, intuitive knowing, integration of the whole, the opportunity to become a living embodiment of your higher self, the achievement of living enlightenment, the present moment, meaning, the bigger picture, devotion, trust, inspiration, the absence of ego, oneness and unity to name a few. Even though all chakras can be seen as a doorway for source energy to come into physical life, the crown chakra is the doorway for our conscious and eternal knowing and to come into physical life. When a chakra is out of alignment, meaning it is not letting life force in or is out of alignment for any number of reasons, it starts to affect your equilibrium. It becomes a serious imbalance within the system. When chakras are out of alignment, they appear small and do not absorb or emit much energy. They also change in their color, patterning, texture and sound.
There are a great many things that cause the crown chakra to go out of alignment. But for the sake of this video, it is important to note that the three biggest causes of blockages to the crown chakra are secular thinking, disbelief or distrust in spirituality, source energy or the eternal self and betrayal. It should come as no surprise then that atheists and to a lesser degree agnostics have the most out of alignment crown chakras.
An unhealthy crown chakra can lead to conditions like brain cancer, bone cancer, multiple sclerosis, apathy, epilepsy, chronic pain, glandular disorders, sleep dysfunction, lymph system disorders, nervous system disorders, migraines, coma, stroke, mental illness, loneliness, isolation, Alzheimer’s, dementia, Parkinson’s, existential crisis and amnesia to name a few. If your crown chakra is out of alignment, your biological rhythm will also be thrown off. Why would you want to open your crown chakra, aside from the fact that you most likely want to avoid lining up with the various negative effects of an unhealthy crown chakra? Opening your crown chakra will allow you to see the bigger picture, which is critical when we are in a space of confusion or fear. It will give us the ability to receive insight and messages from other dimensional realities. It will give us a sense of peace. It will imbue us with wisdom, it will make us feel at one with our life and where we are, and it will help us to understand others. It will cause us to feel energized and inspired. It will dispel our confusion; it will allow us to reach our highest potential and it will help us to trust ourselves and the universe at large.
So how do we open our crown chakra?
Many of the dimensional realities outside the physical dimension do not have a time space aspect to them. This means to think something is to cause the thing to happen or to be instantly. It’s a “think china, in china” kind of thing. Where as in the physical dimension there is a time and space buffer between thought and thing. The chakra system influences the physical but is a multidimensional aspect of you (which is why they are invisible to most people). This means if you think of your crown chakra opening or visualize it opening, it opens. The visualization I see working the best is when people imagine their crown chakra as a rich violet colored vortex like opening in the top of their head. They then visualize expanding it to about a foot wide, spinning clockwise and pulling golden light energy from the universe, into it and down into their body.
Meditation. Meditation opens the crown chakra. Any stilling of the mind is going to allow the consciousness to open up to receiving. These meditations can be moving meditations, mindfulness sitting meditations, or guided meditations for example. I have designed a guided meditation specifically for opening the crown chakra so if you’re interested in that, click on the link.
Seek out things that cause you to feel inspired. Inspiration is your indication that your crown chakra is opening. This might mean listen to inspiring music, read an inspiring book, watch an inspiring movie, write positive affirmations that you actually believe, or take a walk in nature. Anything that inspires you will open your crown chakra.
Spend time in silence. Even though the crown chakra can be influenced to open by sound, it is also influenced to open by silence more so than any of the other chakras.
Mess with your own thoughts. The more rigid your thoughts and beliefs are, and the more closed minded you are, the more closed this chakra will be. So question your thoughts, try to see how the opposite of your thoughts are true, change your beliefs, open your mind to radical new perspectives, and seek out new knowledge and perspective anywhere you can find it. Make a habit of messing with your own mind. Develop a kind of willingness to consider than anything might just be true.
Spend time outdoors. Especially on mountaintops. The crown chakra is particularity influenced by atmosphere. I should say by the way atmosphere influences your thoughts. Fresh air and sunlight and large panoramic views witnessed from above in natural surroundings cause people’s thoughts to come into a frequency that allows the crown chakra to be open.
Practice appreciative notice. This means, look for things that you enjoy looking at and feel grateful for. Doing this causes your frequency to entrain with your eternal perspective. It opens a channel through your body, starting with the crown chakra so source energy can run straight through your body. My favorite way to do this is to make myself sit down and write a list of all the things I notice that I appreciate in the moment I am in.
Chakras are influenced by a great many things. One of the things the crown chakra it is influenced by is chanting and sounding. You may have your favorite chant already, if not go looking for some. Play with tones. The sound that the crown chakra tends to respond to the most is NG. So hum that sound and find the tone that causes the very top of your head to vibrate. Hold that sound for as long as you want to. Traditionally this is done with a specific mudra (hand position) that causes your energetic meridians to come into a specific alignment, this time with the crown chakra. To do this put your hands in prayer position in front of the pit of your stomach. Then, leaving the ring fingers touching and pointing up, cross the rest of your fingers with the left thumb under the right. Chant the NG sound while your hands are in this position for about five minutes. Some people prefer to use the chant OM, I do not think that OM works to open the crown chakra as well as NG does.
Alternatively, you can cross your fingers of both hands in a prayer position where the fingers are down instead of up and then extend your pinkie fingers to touch one another outstretched. Then rotate your fists so your thumbs are pointed towards you and your pinkie fingers are pointed up and away from you and chant NG. See which mudra works the best for you. Crystal bowls and binaural tones designed for the crown chakra also cause the crown chakra to open.
Head massages and headstands actually help your crown chakra to open. It is not the physical manipulation of the head itself that is doing it though, it is the fact that by massaging your head or standing on your head, you are bringing your conscious attention to that area of yourself and then by virtue of the way that massaging or downward blood flow feels, you are releasing the mental tension that is prohibiting the energy from entering in through your chakra and so, the energy can flow in through the chakra.
Surround yourself with things that vibrate at a like frequency with the crown chakra. Here’s a list of some of these things: The color violet purple, Amethyst, Sugilite, Charoite, all clear stones especially Apophyllite and Danburite, frankincense, myrrh, lotus, sage, juniper, lavender, amber, copal, purple cabbage and the all powerful red mimosa flower to name a few.
Spiritual medicines that contain DMT open the crown chakra. I prefer to teach people how to reach states of spiritual awakening, including an open crown chakra through less drastic measures that can be controlled by consciousness alone so we do not need anything outside ourselves to achieve these states. But you may feel called to try those medicines. So trust your own inner guidance when it comes to this decision.
Acts of love. When we are expressing love, both towards ourselves and towards others we are in a frequency that causes the crown chakra to open. The best way to do this for yourself is to write a list of all the ways that you are lovable. Really dedicate time each day to self-love in whatever way we feel called to do it. Also, do acts of kindness towards others. This connects us with each other, which is like food for a chakra that is all about oneness. It may sound a bit trite, but go ahead and try it. Do something nice for someone and close your eyes and pay attention to how your body feels after you’ve done it. You will notice that it has caused you to feel better about the world and more inspired and this is how you know the act has opened your crown chakra.
Fasting. Fasting in a healthy way affects the crown chakra particularly well. Put some effort into choosing the right fast for you. Be sure to prepare you body for it in advance and to monitor your body during the fast and also to gradually break the fast. If simply opening the crown chakra is your prerogative, try a six-hour or a twelve-hour fast only. You will notice that when people feel confused and in a state of despair or fear most people lose their appetite. The same goes for animals that are unwell. This resets the body and it also allows for the body to have to defer to the crown chakra to gain it’s energy and as a result we have greater access to insight and clarity and solutions. This is also why fasting has been a spiritual practice in so many spiritual traditions for so many thousands of years.
We have to remember that we are not just a body made of flesh and bone. We are also conscious energy. The healthier the flow of that energy, the better our life experience will be. So try out these tips and by doing so, allow yourself to open up to a much more comprehensive and transcendental perspective.
When you were young, you came into a society. Socialization is a must in an un-awakened society. In an un-awakened society there are collective social and cultural values. When we value one thing, we often condemn the opposite. For example, self-sacrifice may be a social value and selfishness is condemned. We deem one good and the other bad. In order to keep the social order, we socialize children, which basically means we train them to behave in a way that is acceptable to the society we live in. We indoctrinate children with our social and cultural values and reward them when they adhere to those values. We punish children when they demonstrate behavior that contradicts our social and cultural values. So as a child, if we want our needs to be met, survive in society and have a chance at feeling things like love and belonging and contribution and safety, we have one option… to adopt those values of the society we are born into and hold ourselves to them!
Let’s say that when you were younger you ran out into the family room naked. And let’s say you were raised in a society that valued modesty and condemned public nudity. The adults in your environment would immediately react by discouraging the behavior. They might get angry or send you back to your room or doll out a consequence. The disapproval would be painful enough that you would feel embarrassment and humiliation. This would be a painful enough experience that you would want to avoid it in the future at all costs. So, what you do in order to avoid it in the future is that you adopt the social value of modesty and you make it your own standard. From this point on, you get to be your own “police officer” holding yourself to those standards. This is much more empowering than having other people police your behavior and punish you. Basically, you become obsessed with keeping yourself good. Being good after all means getting your needs met and being loved and belonging. Being bad means not getting your needs met, being ostracized and punished and being unloved. From this point on, shame takes over. It takes over to save you from negative future consequences. It exists to keep you in check. It is a function of the conscience. Anytime you violate your own adopted values, you slip into shame. The people who struggle with shame the most were often disciplined by adults who made a direct correlation between doing bad and being bad. For example, a child who steals a cookie off the counter top and is told “bad girl” or “I told you no, what the hell is wrong with you” is going to be unable to differentiate between their negative action and themselves being bad. Shame is about being bad instead of guilt, which is about doing bad. This is painful enough when shame comes on occasion in direct response to something you have done that makes you feel like a bad person. But there are times when shame is a permanent state of being. If the truth of yourself as an individual violates the social values you have adopted, you will feel a permanent sense of shame because you have determined that if something about you conflicts with social values, something is wrong with you and it is in fact you that is bad. Early on in life people develop an internalized view of themselves as either adequate or inadequate within the world. If we find that something about us conflicts with the values of our social group, especially if we experience negative consequences for those things, we get the message that we do not fit in the world. We are inadequate, inferior, unworthy and not good enough. So you can see that shame is the root of low self-esteem.
For example, lets say that you are born into a typical Christian family but you are gay. For the sake of survival you adopt the social values that have been put forth by the bible and subsequently your family and you believe that being gay is an abomination (bad). Your standard will be “I must be straight”. But internally you know you are not straight and so you are going to permanently fall short of your own standard. You will feel shame all the time as a permanent state of being. As long as that is in fact your standard. And keep in mind that you can have conscious standards but also subconscious standards. If you feel shame but don’t know why, it’s because you have a subconscious standard that you are unaware of. It must be known that shame manifests as some vicious, vicious physical ailments in the body. The first and foremost being AIDS. The number one energetic cause of AIDS is in fact perpetual shame, usually with regards to one’s own sexuality. Some other ailments that can be caused by shame are chronic fatigue syndrome, acne, addictions, eating disorders, impotence, kidney problems, cancer, yeast infections, stuttering and other speech problems, shin bone injuries, chronic pain, depression, anxiety, bi polar, all immune system disorders; most especially disorders where the body begins to attack itself.
When people feel shame, they often defend themselves against that shame in certain ways. The first is, they become incredibly defensive. It can feel like you are walking on broken glass or thin ice around them. They blame others often aggressively. Blame diverts attention from one’s own insecurities and flaws. It makes someone wrong so we can feel right. And when people struggle with shame, they become consumed by contempt for others. Other contempt sometimes prevents us from feeling self-contempt. Contempt protects us from feelings of shame because it gives us a way to deny the fact that in truth, at our core, we feel beneath consideration, deserving of scorn, worthless and as if something is bad or wrong about us. People who feel shame often become highly narcissistic (do not confuse narcissism with self love, it is anything but) they become obsessively preoccupied with their own self-interests and their own needs and wants. They go on a quest externally to find approval, superiority, admiration and significance. The quest for attention is an attempt to fill the void of feeling worthless. To understand more about narcissism, watch my video on YouTube titled “Narcissism”
So how do we stop feeling ashamed if we are struggling with shame? 1. First and foremost we need to become fully aware of what our standards actually are and decide if we want to change those standards. Just becoming aware of the standards and social values we are holding ourselves to is enough to decrease the power they hold over us. But we have to be brave enough to be willing to admit to them even if it makes us embarrassed to admit to them. If we do not want to change the standard we have then acknowledging that we don’t at least gives us some power because it makes the shame bearable, something we are choosing to let stay with us. 2. If we want to change the standards, we need to change our beliefs. A social value or standard that you have adopted like “I should be straight instead of gay”, is in fact a belief so is “If I’m gay, I’m an abomination”. So once we find the beliefs we have about the standard we are holding ourselves to, we have the opportunity to change them. To find out how to change a belief, watch my video on YouTube titled “How to Change a Belief”. Also apply these beliefs to Byron Katie’s process called “The Work”.
3. We need to have a serious think about right vs. wrong. If we feel shame, we have already wandered into the land of stigma. Question your social and cultural values. It seems straightforward enough but hardly anyone ever does it. Hardly anyone recognizes that their beliefs may or may not be true, and that they are full of beliefs they simply picked up from their environment. For example, few people born into a Catholic community question their beliefs, they simply adopt them as true. This way of adopting beliefs is so unconscious it is more like we contract our beliefs in the same way that we contract an illness. This is dangerous if the beliefs you contract do not benefit you or the world. You need to question the rightness and wrongness of everything; even the things that seem obviously right or wrong in order to reach full awareness and also in order to stop feeling like you are bad. 4. We need to integrate the feeling of shame. If we feel shame in our adulthood, that is because we were pushed into feeling shame as children by the adults in our society. These are traumatic wounds to our emotional body. For this reason, when we feel shame, we need to sink down into it and be unconditionally present with it, find the child in the memory where we are being shamed and then re-parent that wounded inner child. To understand how this process works, watch my video on YouTube titled “How To Heal The Emotional Body”. 5. We need to be disciplined with our self-approval process. Every day, we need to pick one thing that we disapprove of about ourselves and we need to find approval for it. We are looking to feel better about what we reject about ourselves. For example, if you think you are dark, you need to find approval for being dark. If you think you have cellulite, you need to get way outside the box and find approval for cellulite. We can invite other people to contribute by brainstorming ideas about how we can approve of what we disapprove of. Ask yourself “how is this thing I disapprove of good?” We can also do this relative to other people. If we hold ourselves to standards, we also hold other people to standards and tend to be quite condemning of them or at least of aspects of them. So we can do this same exercise relative to them. How is this thing I disapprove of about him or her good?
6. Recognize your insatiable desire to be good and also ponder why you desire so badly to be good. Then you need to look for proof that you are good. Positive self-focus is of paramount importance. Again, we can involve other people in this process by asking them to tell us what they like about us. Ask yourself “How would someone benefit by having a relationship with me?” And “How am I a good person? I’ll start by telling you that people, who experience shame, have a very strong conscience. This means you have strict morals and internal discipline. And throughout history, people with a conscience have been seen as good people because it means they’re not going to hurt anyone intentionally.
There is an innate yearning in people to connect, to belong, to be seen and felt and heard and understood and valued. If we feel chronic shame, we have not felt these things in our life. We have been met with the opposite. As a result, we withdrew and closed ourselves off and shut down to the world. Now there is a split within our heart, between the insatiable yearning for those things and the fear and pain of opening up and being hurt again.
We need to address this split within ourselves with empathy and compassion. Many people within society carry this same split and you have the opportunity to heal it in yourself by practicing the art of seeing, feeling, hearing, understanding and seeing the value in yourself. And you also have the power to heal it in other people by practicing the art of seeing, feeling, hearing, understanding and seeing the value in them.
We did not end up this way because something is wrong or bad about us; we ended up this way because we experienced hurt (as so many people do) during the process of socialization. And the more we see that we were hurt because of ignorance and also because the people who hurt us went through the exact same kind of pain once and merely perpetuated it, the less personal that hurt will seem. We will see then that maybe we have come to shift the social values and standards in our society, which is why we could not adhere to them in the first place. In fact if we could have conformed to them, our society would never evolve.
To protect something is to keep it safe from harm. It is a state of preservation. Therefore if you want to protect yourself, you’re interested in self-preservation. Protection is in fact a state of defense and the state of defense is a state of resistance. What do we know about this universe? Whatever we resist, we get more of, so the more concerned we are with protection, the more there is in our reality that we need to be protected against. You cannot in fact create protection without simultaneously creating something that you need to be protected against. That is merely the flip side of the coin. Protection is what we call a mixed vibration. It’s pattern contains both what is wanted and what is unwanted. Safety is not a state of defense. It is a state of emancipation, emancipation from fear. Emancipation from fear is a freedom. It is the state of being uninjured and unexposed to danger or harm. Because safety is a state of freedom, it is considered a pure vibration. The vibration of safety does not include the frequency of what you need to be safe from. Therefore creating safety does not automatically create something you need to be kept safe from. Now remember that the universe does not care about the words you use, it cares about the feeling you have. So some people may think they are focused on safety when they are really focused on protection and some people may think they are focused on protection, when they are really focused on safety. You will know which you are focused on based on how you feel. If you are focused on being protected, you will feel relief because you will feel shielded, but within that shield, you are constricted; a bit like the security of hiding. You will feel like you are still an underdog to the world, but one that at least has some armor. You will begin to feel brave. Remember that bravery only exists in a state of fear. With no fear there is no bravery. If you are focused on safety, you will not feel fear. You will feel empowered. You will feel like the world is a good place to be. You will no longer feel like an underdog to the world. You will feel as if the shackles have been removed and you can become expansive.
With this in mind, the answer is straightforward. It is not wrong to think of protection because it is a vibrational improvement from victimized exposure. But it is not a state of freedom it is a state of contained powerlessness. So if you want to feel emancipated from fear, think about safety instead. And keep in mind that if you have felt unsafe all of your life, this is going to take some practice. Think of the concept of safety vibrationally. This particular universe is governed by the law of attraction, which is simply the law of mirroring. Think of this like a mirror hologram where whatever thought you place before it materializes. When you are feeling inspired and when you are seeing all the positive in the world and when you are feeling free and when you are feeling capable and when you feel good about yourself, you are not feeling fear and you are not feeling like a victim or an underdog and you are feeling like this is a good place to be. That there will tell you the best way to quote on quote protect yourself… To get into a vibration that is literally beyond the vibration of fear. If you can do that, you will not be a vibrational match to anything you need to be protected against. Your world cannot reflect danger unless fear is already in your mind. That is like tuning your radio dial to a channel that can’t even receive danger. That is a whole lot better than protecting yourself against danger. For this reason, it is a really good idea to take a look at my YouTube video titled “How to Raise your Frequency and Increase your Vibration” So other than that, how do you create and maintain the feeling of safety?
1. Begin to identify when you feel unsafe and when you feel safe. I will give you a hint that a lot of people are so acclimatized to feeling unsafe that they do not even know they are feeling unsafe. But to achieve a space of true safety, we need to become aware of what safety feels like and what un-safety feels like. Periodically check in with yourself throughout the day to see how you are feeling. I will also tip you off that if you are angry, you are really feeling unsafe. Anger is the cover emotion for fear. And once you identify the feelings, try to become aware of what it is that makes you feel unsafe and conversely, what it is that makes you feel safe. 2. Create a safety list. This is a list of things that make you feel like the world is a better place to be. What makes you feel free from harm? I will give you a sample of one such list:
Being held in a blanket den Warm baths The sound of Ducks on the pond Chest Compression Writing Lists that make me feel good about myself (how am I lovable, why would someone want me for a friend or partner) Cooking Feel good movies like Legally Blonde Funny You Tube Videos Soup Outer Space Ski resorts Food Network Channel Music that holds a high resonance and changes the feeling Making a Vision Board Looking Through “Joy” Pictures Stand Up Comedians Warm air from the Blow Dryer Christmas Lights Cat Purring The smell of rain in the summer The smell of apricots Inspirational films The smell of chamomile Mountains Closing my eyes underwater The smell of bread in the oven Lying in tall grass or fields Angels Dry rice or sand running through my hands
Make this list as comprehensive as you can. Put both big things and little things on it and when you begin to feel unsafe, go to the list and pick something or multiple things off of it to seek out or do.
3. If you feel up to it, the feeling of un-safety is a great opportunity to integrate your emotional wounds and this will go further for establishing a personal sense of security than nearly anything else. To do this, instead of trying to do something to make yourself feel more safe when you feel unsafe, sink into the feeling of unsafe and integrate the feeling. To understand this process fully, watch my YouTube video titled “How to Heal the Emotional Body”.
4. Do shadow work on the things that are making you feel unsafe, especially techniques where you question your own thoughts and look for new perspectives that would shift that feeling of un-safety entirely.
5. Think of all the ways you are safe. When we feel unsafe, we seldom if ever shift our focus to the ways we actually do feel safe and are safe. For example, you may feel unsafe relative to relationships but you may have the safety of having enough money. You may feel unsafe because you do not have enough money but you may have the safety of being able to rely on the companionship of your dog.
6. Create the feeling of safety in your body by creating a feeling signature in your body that feels safe. To understand this technique watch my video on YouTube titled: How to Feel Better (feeling signatures)
7. Think of taking any actions to protect yourself in terms of releasing resistance. Before you do it, ask yourself, “Is this going to make me release resistance to the thing I think I need to be protected against so I am no longer thinking about it or is this fueling my resistance to what I feel like I need to be protected against?” This is going to be a very personal decision. For example, when we have genuine fear that we have not fully integrated yet, we might feel real danger driving down the road. You could say that the seatbelt in your car is a way of protecting yourself and it is. But here is the question you must ask yourself, when I put the seatbelt on, does that help me to stop thinking about and worrying about a car crash so that I’m not a vibrational match to things that make me worry or to car crashes? If so, put the seatbelt on.
8. Having said what I just said about safety and about thinking of protection less about protection from unwanted things and more in terms of releasing resistance to unwanted things, because protection is a vibrational increase from a space of victimized exposure, I will now teach you some energetic protection techniques. A. The ever-popular technique of visualizing yourself surrounded in white light. It is a popular technique amongst energy workers because it works. White is reflective and reflection is a deflection technique that works awesomely for attack. On an energetic level, if you think something, it happens. So literally thinking about a white light surrounding you like a cocoon makes the energy field around you take on this appearance and shape. Make sure if you are doing this that you pay special attention to feeling where you have any open spots in your auric field and focus on filling those in. The spine tends to be one of those places that people leave exposed. And don’t be afraid to use other colors besides white. See and feel yourself going about your day with an energetic force field in and around you. Doing this creates a sensation of containment. Containment feels safe. Containment is an important vibration for people who struggle with creating healthy boundaries. The empowerment of getting to choose when to be exposed and when not to, is an aspect of safety. That personal choice is safer and more free than any armor you could ever fashion. And you will come to learn that you can be contained within an energy field and not be alone at the same time. My number one problem with energy workers relying on this particular protection skill is that of all people who need to learn to achieve a frequency that is beyond needing protection, it is people who work in fields where their connection to other people is paramount, like energy work. I want to paint you an image to explain what I mean here. Imagine Jesus walking into the leper community in a HAZMAT suit. The very beauty of his life was that his frequency was so high, he did not need to protect himself for in his mind there was nothing that he needed to protect himself against and this gave off a frequency of total approval and love to the lepers and so they became well. I can promise you that if you are an empathy, your emancipation from pain will come when you stop trying to protect yourself from the influence of energies in this world and begin developing a high enough vibration that those energies are instantly transmuted when they come into contact with you.
B. Visualize surrounding yourself with mirrors that face outward so that anything that comes your way is reflected. This is a good technique to use if people are projecting onto you and those projections are making you feel unsafe. I like to use this one with people who are particularly not self-aware. You can see them as walls as a bubble with a mirror exterior or like reflective liquid mercury. Be ware that this will also increase your own self-awareness. Anything you do to another, you are also doing to yourself, so make sure it is worth it.
C. Visualize a violet flame. The violet flame energy has been used for thousands of years for nearly every ailment in existence. As new-agey as it sounds, it is in fact ancient and is one of my personal favorite techniques. See and feel a stream of violet fire flowing into your crown chakra down into your heart and from there being pumped through your entire body, consuming all negative energies in it’s path, just like fire consuming paper. And see it flow out of your solar plexus to engulf your whole body, both filling and surrounding you in a force field of violet flame. D. You can use your guides or angels by either setting the intention of praying or straight up asking them to protect you or better yet to achieve safety. Even if you have not had direct contact with them yet, realize that they can hear you and interact with you even if you cannot yet perceive them. E. Utilize physical things that create protection and create a shield around you. I’m going to list some of my personal favorites for this task. 1. Raw salt used in baths and also sprinkled on windowsills 2. Black tourmaline and eye agate, tourmilated quartz, black obsidian, black kyanite, dravite, onyx and obsidian. 3. Palo Santo wood which is amazing no matter how it is used but is especially great when used as a smudge, mugwort and of course the master protector angelica.
Better yet, use things that create a feeling of safety. My favorites for this task are: 1. Agate, especially blue lace agate, pink rhodochrosite, sardonyx, rose quartz, sunstones, coral and amber. 2. Inspirational and soothing music or tones (according to personal taste) 3. Chamomile, angelica, apricot, holy basil, Acacia, and yarrow.
Given that you have just learned the importance of creating a sense of safety in the world as opposed to protecting yourself from an unsafe world, it might be tempting to feel a great deal of pressure to bypass your fear and expect yourself to be fearless. For this reason, it is important to remind yourself to not expect yourself to be fearless. If feeling fearless becomes the standard you hold yourself to, it will be very tempting for you to either deny your fear, which will only make you more of a match to dangerous experiences or to feel like a failure when you are afraid. I’m yet to meet a person who has achieved this state. But make it an intention to feel the empowerment of safety and try out these tips to get you there.
The topic of porn is a difficult one to wrap our heads around because it involves human sexuality. And human sexuality is so profoundly out of alignment at this time (mostly as the result of the world religions) that we cannot yet separate out porn from our currently out of alignment human sexuality. Indeed porn in and of itself as a concept, could be very in alignment, it just so happens that today it usually is not because it is an extension of our out of alignment sexuality that then fuels and magnifies our out of alignment sexuality.
Pornography is the portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purpose of sexual arousal. Why would we watch porn, because sexual desire and sexual arousal is usually a pleasant experience and pleasure is not wrong. So it must be understood that seeking out pleasure is also not wrong. It is useless to discuss the rightness or wrongness of porn. We must instead develop perspective about porn. First, lets take a look at the shadow side of porn.
The number one shadow aspect of porn is that we often seek out pleasure to try to escape from pain. Porn is self-medication. Like any addiction, porn serves as a way to avoid pain. It blunts the senses and makes you forget everything else. It is hypnotic and trance like and makes you lose track of time. We use it to get relief from something. Porn is used to escape a painful emotional state. For example, we may use S&M porn to escape powerlessness by feeling a sense of power over someone. When it comes to porn addiction, the most common feeling one is trying to escape from is the feeling of emptiness. I am yet to meet one single person who watches porn on an ongoing basis who is not using porn to avoid a feeling state within them. The chemicals our own brain produces in response to certain stimulus can be many times more addictive than eternal substances that we put in our bodies like cocaine. So our body can develop a dependency on the very chemicals that it releases while watching porn similar to the way that we become addicted to something like cocaine. It throws us out of balance to the degree that when we do not watch porn; we begin to experience withdrawal symptoms. So even though porn feels like it fulfills a need, it actually simply creates a new need. In other words people think porn is a sexual outlet, which is fulfilling the need for release and satisfaction of the sex drive when in fact it is creating sexual craving. Porn can absolutely become an addiction. I do not think it is beneficial to draw an arbitrary line in the sand between addiction and compulsion. If you feel a lack of self-control relative to something, especially if you can’t discontinue something despite negative consequences, it is an addiction. The second major shadow aspect of porn is that the industry itself is so out of alignment. It is possible to portray sexual subject matter in an in alignment way, as a pure expression of source consciousness in a physical body. The religious fanatics around the world, who would turn all nudity into porn, are completely out of alignment. They are attempting to make your body and your sexuality, which is absolutely a part of who you are, a matter of shame. So leave the conservative view out of it for a time. What you’ll find is that regardless of whether we are conservative or liberal, we all know at our core that when sex is in alignment with ourselves as expressions of source consciousness, sex is much more than just physical gratification.
The majority of porn today truly is only about physical gratification. The people in the scenes cease to become people to us and become more like objects or things to us. This objectification of both men and women in porn is a huge problem because when we watch them on the screen, we are in essence disconnected enough from it being another human being that we are now able to use another human being for personal gratification. We begin to vibrate at the same frequency as objectification and as soon as we objectify, we open ourselves up to feeling and even being objectified. What we will experience immediately as a result is a severe decrease in our sense of self worth and self esteem. This will come across as a feeling that your soul is being taken, and you may not even realize that the one is linked to the other, the porn is linked to the sudden loss of self esteem. The thrill of the interaction with porn covers over or masks the internal destruction that is occurring. A really good way to see just how much you objectify people in porn is to ask yourself, how would I feel if people were viewing my son in the same way that I am viewing this person on the screen? Or how would I feel if people were viewing my daughter in the same way that I am viewing this person on the screen. If you want, you can make it another family member, other than your son or daughter. The point being, when you know someone personally and when you care about him or her, they matter to you as a person. And objectification no longer feels ok. Those people on the screen are someone’s daughter or son, brother or sister, father or mother. So what does that tell us? It tells us that we have to be disconnected from someone to use him or her purely for physical arousal and relief and so you cannot prove that that is in alignment unless you first prove that disconnection is in alignment.
You could argue that porn stars are willing participants and so, it is ok to use them for such personal gratification. But here’s the thing, most people who work as porn stars, were raised in unhealthy environments both sexually and emotionally. Many of them were sexually abused as youth. Their sexuality became their only sense of worth. They see their bodies as commodities. They have become comfortable with objectification. I want you to just think about where someone has to be emotionally to become comfortable and approving of themselves being objectified. Most of the porn stars, directors and producers etc. of porn are so out of alignment relative to their own sexuality that they could not make in alignment porn if they tried. The third major shadow of pornography is what it does to relationships. Now before I get too deep into this shadow, I will tell you that if you were completely in alignment with your own sexuality and you completely approved of using sexual arousal or sex merely for physical gratification, you would attract a partner who felt the same way. But when we are out of alignment with our own sexuality and we do not completely approve of using sex for physical gratification, we will attract a partner who does not feel the same way that we do and our use of porn will be a huge problem for them. It will hurt their feelings. So you could say that perhaps you need to find approval for it, so as to find a partner who does not mind and even shares our interest in porn. But what is more likely is that you need to acknowledge that deep in the seat of your soul, you have a knowing that you are gravitating to porn for reasons that in and of themselves are very out of alignment with your true being. Your disapproving partner may just be a reflection of the part of you that knows that your integrity and authenticity is in the opposite direction of where you are headed in those moments. Porn destroys intimacy. Intimacy is to see into someone, to feel into them, to hear them and to understand them. Sex can enhance intimacy. Sex can provide a widow into someone’s soul. But if we objectify the person on the screen or our partner (which is what we are doing with porn), we have no intimacy with them. If we objectify our partner, we are just two meat suits rubbing up against each other for our own individual pleasure. On an energetic level it appears more like sexual/energetic vampirism (where you’re trying to get something from someone) than it is like connection. Even if we watch porn as a couple, so as to become aroused, we are having more intimacy with the fantasy in our minds than we are having with each other. I will also tell you that porn and subsequent sexual escapades are a close personal favorite of those of us who fear intimacy. We get to connect with another person or at least the idea of another person, without actually connecting.
The fourth major shadow of porn is that porn sets up neural pathways. When we become aroused by a specific kind of stimulus, we seek it out again and again. We may even lose our ability to be turned on in any other way. If we associate orgasm with our partner or with a light kiss, this is what will turn us on in the future. If we associate orgasm to the things we observe in porn, those things start to be the only way we can become aroused. Most of these sex acts are not only objectifying, they are un-pleasurable to our partner, especially emotionally. Many of them involve domination and submission power dynamics.
I think one of the worst things porn has done for male-female sex is to give men a false idea about how women like to have sex. The porn stars in many of the films men watch are acting. They are faking orgasm specifically because the porn is being directed at male gratification. In reality, most women will not become aroused or feel good or orgasm if you mimic what you are seeing on the screen. Also what has made me sad again and again is that the neural pathways that are so often set up by pornography disable people from enjoying the art of lovemaking. When porn is used chronically, some people lose their ability to become aroused by anything that is not objectifying or impersonal.
In past years, access to porn was difficult. Now due to the online presence of porn, it is only a click away and so young kids are now watching porn and porn is setting up their expectation about what sex should be like. And this includes not just vanilla pornography but also extreme pornography and dysfunctional fetishes. Pornography is becoming the only reference for sex and intimacy that the youth of today’s world have. This has serious social implication. The fifth major shadow of porn is that it is a huge distortion of sexual energies and often a waste of sexual energy. You have most likely heard of kundalini. Kundalini is your creative spiritual energy and it is indivisible from sexual energy. Sexual energy is merely one expression of kundalini. When you become aroused, you are raising your kudalini. When you orgasm for the sake of relief, you are releasing that energy. The question you should be asking yourself is what towards? Sexual energy is creative energy. If you are spending your kundalini by watching and getting off to porn, you are robbing yourself of creative energy. That energy is meant to be channeled towards creation, whether that creation is the creation of connection or the creation of actual life or the creation of ideas or the creation of the lifestyle you want to have. A state of atrophy or apathy is common for people who are addicted to porn because the energy they have to create their waking life is being spent. When we become addicted to porn, just like any other addiction we stop investing in our life. We stop engaging with real people.
The sixth major shadow of porn is that our focus creates our reality and more than that our collective reality. You need to ask yourself, what is it that I am creating when I look at that thing that I am watching? The answer is always more of it. And like a drug, you need more and more extremity to get the same level of arousal. So the extreme nature of porn will keep going up and up. Compare a horror film of the 50s with a horror film today. They aren’t even comparable. What satisfies someone today sexually will no longer satisfy them in the near future. Then think about the implication of this human need for the next level of intensity as it applies to porn. If so many eyes are focused at the distorted and out of alignment form of sexuality, we are creating a collective reality of sexual distortion.
The seventh major shadow of porn is that when people watch porn, they often compartmentalize the experience from their normal, daily life. It serves as a mental escape zone. They think that the law of attraction is somehow not applicable to that time period that they are watching porn and so that time is not part of the “I create my own reality” actuality. They think they can keep that aspect of their life secret and contained. So they do not realize that their porn watching is in fact not a separate reality, it is part of their every day reality, and it will absolutely merge with and effect their day to day life experiences, their values, belief systems, relationships, career etc.
So what should you do if you have a porn addiction?
1. Ask yourself the question, is porn adding to my life or is it taking away from my life? You have to be really honest with yourself in response to this question. Take a good look at where and what it has gotten you. If you struggle with porn addiction, you may spend years defending your addiction and justifying it. You may spend years telling yourself that everyone is doing it. Only you can decide if porn is negatively impacting your life but if you are convinced it is fine, you will not have the motivation necessary to shift.
2. Become aware. Find out what you are trying to escape from by indulging in porn. The next time you feel the urge to watch, sit with the uncomfortable feeling as if you were exploring the sensation and try to identify what it is. Also, identify your triggers. A trigger is something that causes you to feel the compulsion to watch porn. Think about the last hours or minutes leading up to the moment when the urge occurs. Can you identify any triggers? For example, did you get into a fight with someone, which caused you to feel stressed and need release?
3. Go in the direction of your negative emotions instead of away from them. Porn is an escape from a feeling state that you are trying to avoid. Instead of self-medicating, be unconditionally present with that feeling state. Integrate it. To learn how to do this process, watch my video on YouTube titled “How to Heal The Emotional Body”. Also, if you discover that the feeling of emptiness is the root of your porn use, which is often the case, watch my video on YouTube titled “How to Stop Feeling Empty”. 4. Change your life in accordance with whatever you discover about the feeling state you are trying to avoid. For example, if you are using porn to avoid boredom, get busy. Find a healthy preoccupation that requires your focused attention and energy. Or, if you find that you are using porn to escape stress, figure out what is making you the most stressed and either find healthier ways to manage the stress or change that aspect of your life entirely so the stress is no longer there. Basically, we have to face and work with the thing we are using porn to avoid if we want to stop feeling the urge.
5. If you feel the urge to use, play a game of fast forward. You may be swept up in the excitement or arousal of watching now, but how are you going to feel after you have watched it? When you feel yourself wanting to watch porn, close your eyes and actively remember the feeling of the exhausted crash of disgust, shame or disappointment that you will feel afterwards and allow those anticipated negative post porn viewing feelings to sink in to the degree that they water down the heated excitement of the moment.
6. Get into the mentality that porn does not exist. If you do the steps listed previously, the reason for indulging in porn will go away and so your urge will not be there which will make this step much easier. When it comes to addictions, the actual addiction is a symptom of the underlying problem and if you deal with the underlying problem, the symptom will go away. But especially when it comes to porn, we can tackle both the cause and the symptom at once.
In my opinion, the best way for most people to address the porn addiction itself is to go cold turkey. In other words, don’t try to limit your time watching porn just stop watching all together. Get rid of your outlets for the addiction so you literally can’t access it and then think and act as if porn does not exist. Out of sheer necessity, you will be forced to replace the porn use with other things to direct that energy towards.
7. In alignment with the last point, when you feel the urge to watch porn come up, recognize the rise in energy levels that you feel as the urge and re-direct that towards something that you deem to be a healthier and more beneficial. Pick something deserving of your energy. You cannot suppress the urge to watch porn, you can only re-direct it. Suppressed sexual energy is literally the mother of sexual dysfunction; this is why porn use is always the highest in areas like Utah, where sexuality is suppressed. Think about harnessing that energy. Ask yourself, “if I could harness that energy and put it towards something else that would directly benefit my life, what would it be?” And do that instead. If you do this enough you will realize that you have actually got a life. You are no longer watching porn feeling terrible about yourself and feeling like you need to get a life.
8. Increase your self-esteem and practice self care. Porn use leads to low self-esteem and low self esteem leads to porn. If you are addicted to porn, it has become a self-hate spiral. So to pull yourself out of that, start to live healthy and alter your perspective so you can see yourself in a positive light. Take a look at the values you do have and the things you really do believe in and begin to live according to those values. Live from a space of integrity with who you really are. Do things you enjoy, eat a diet that makes you feel good about yourself, exercise, groom yourself in a way that makes you feel proud to present yourself to the world. Get outside. Help others. Helping others increases your self-esteem five fold. Seek out things that make you laugh. Start meditating or going to yoga classes. Listen to motivating music that inspires you to really live. Start focusing on things you like about yourself and find approval for the things you dislike about yourself. These are just some examples.
Raise your frequency. For more information about how to raise your frequency look up my YouTube video titled: “How to Raise Your Frequency and Increase Your Vibration”. Remember that the more you can replace your porn use with more beneficial pursuits, the better and better your life will get. Also, if down deep you think watching porn is not a good thing to be doing, you can not watch porn and feel good about doing it.
9. Now I am going to give you the most important tip of all. When scientists studied rats and drug addiction, they figured the substances were to blame for addiction. Until one scientist in the 1970’s Bruce Alexander discovered something interesting. In every test with rats and addictive substances like cocaine, the rat was isolated in a cage alone. He became curious about what would happen if he put rats in a healthy environment with friends. What was the result? The rats avoided the water that was laced with the addictive drug. The addiction was an adaptation to a painful environment, most especially one that is void of connection. Emotional isolation is the number one cause of all addictions on this planet. Sobriety is not the opposite of addiction. Human connection is. So connect with people. For more information about how to do this, watch my YouTube video titled “How to Connect With Someone”.
It is my desire that sex not be associated with sin in the minds of men. We cannot be at war with our sexuality and become whole and complete beings. It is not my desire for porn to become the scapegoat for society’s dysfunction, which is how many would paint it to be. I’m all for being free and open minded and for embracing things that should no longer be taboo. But being free and open-minded is not the same thing as simply celebrating the taboo because it is taboo. I am open to the idea that in the future, when people come into alignment with the healthy relationship to and expression of their own sexuality, that porn could be beneficial. But the vast majority of pornography today is an empty package. And you deserve some substance.
When something is not known or not decided relative to a circumstance that causes us stress or pain, we feel vulnerable. There is no sense of resolution. This lack of resolve in and of itself adds to the distress you feel. There is no relief. It feels like you are stuck in a powerless place with no sense of control and completely at the mercy of the world. This puts you into a kind of despair and from that despair comes hopeless desperation. The most common secondary feeling to experience as a result of uncertainty is desperation. Desperation feels like an inner panicked clawing against the hopelessness and towards a solution that you do not have yet and can’t seem to get hold of. Uncertainty is one of the most painful emotional states a person can experience. It can come in response to a certain scenario you are in like a relationship or and illness or a loved one being in the ER, or it can be more generalized like the uncertainty we my hold about our future. Either way, uncertainty is something we will all encounter in our lives and so it’s important to know what to do about uncertainty.
It would seem that the obvious solution to being uncertain is to make a decision or to find resolve or to learn all you can, so that you do know whatever it is that you do not know. The problem with this is that when we are struggling with uncertainty, we begin to resist uncertainty and so we get to the point where are not a vibrational match to certainty at all. We quite literally find ourselves in situations where no matter how hard we try we cannot find the solution. No matter how hard we try, we can’t make a decision and no matter how hard we try, we gain no new knowledge. When we reach this point, our one option is to release resistance to uncertainty. How do we do this? We embrace uncertainty.
This may seem like a contradiction to the idea that you create your own reality. Some of you might be asking, “If you know what you want to have happen, why not just focus on that and create that?” The answer is, when you are in uncertainty, you often get confused about what you want. And also, you cannot create what you want if you are full of resistance to what is. Trying to create what you want while being in resistance to what is, is like trying to paddle a canoe forward when your fishing line is stuck on a branch at the bottom of the lake. Embracing uncertainty and adopting the subsequent attitude of curious surrender in this circumstance enables us to metaphorically unhook ourselves from the bottom of the lake and move forward. In other words, embracing what is (including the uncertainty of our current situation) releases our resistance to what is in such a way that it enhances our ability to create our own reality.
So without further ado, I ‘m going to simply jump right into what to do if you are suffering as a result of uncertainty.
1. Instead of trying to feel certain or find solutions or gain knowledge, you need to really dive deep into the painful feelings that have come up as a result of the uncertainty and grace them with your unconditional presence. If we find that we are struggling with uncertainty, it is highly likely that we are being called to integrate the aspect of our emotional selves that was wounded in our childhood by feeling hopeless, out of control, at the mercy of others and desperate. To understand this concept as well as the process to use to do this, watch my video on YouTube titled “How To Heal The Emotional Body”.
2. Live by this truth… “Whatever is happening is obviously supposed to be happening because it is happening, so I remain open to seeing why”. The circumstances you are experiencing are not the cause of your suffering. The cause of your suffering is the thought that what is happening should not be happening or is not supposed to be happening. I am going to remain silent for a few seconds so you can ponder this truth and really see how this is the case for you in your current circumstance. Let it impact you. Even if you are a scientist at heart, you can at least acknowledge that you cannot know 100% if what is happening is supposed to be happening or not. So you must remain open to the possibility that what is happening is supposed to be happening. Do you feel the lightness that comes on the heels of that realization? I am going to ask you to take it a step further and adopt the belief that what is happening is in fact supposed to be happening. Even if you believe you create you own reality, this is in fact the case. This is why… The universe knows the quickest journey between where you are and what you have been asking for and so what may seem like a detour away from what you want, might be the shortest short cut that the universe could lead you on to get to the very thing you want. For example, say you were in the process of creating the perfect relationship because that is what you desire the most. But then, your husband or wife walks through the door and says, “I’m not in love with you, I’m in love with someone else”. At that moment you’d feel like you messed up. When in actuality, what you wanted was the best possible relationship and so as a result of the divorce, you might gain self awareness and self esteem to the degree that you might go on a trip to a foreign country, where you meet a partner who suits you a thousand times better than the spouse who left you. We must surrender to some degree to the fact that while we create our own reality by virtue of our desire and focus, the universe may bring us to what we desire in ways that we do not understand when we are in the midst of the journey. If we adopt the idea that “Whatever is happening is obviously supposed to be happening because it is happening.” We suddenly become open to seeing how our current experience might be leading us towards our desires or giving us powerful gifts instead of leading us away from what we want and causing us to suffer. 3. Realize that we do not fear the unknown. And discover what it is that you actually fear. The saying, “I fear the unknown.” is a popular scapegoat. No one fears the unknown because one would not know what to fear. We only begin to fear what we do not know when we think that we DO in fact know what the unknown contains. For example, I may say that I fear the unknown when I’m talking about my future. But the truth is in fact that I’m afraid that there is a potential that my future could be painful because of accident or failure or any number of things. What painful or scary thing is it that you think the unknown contains? Face those fears, release resistance to those. 4. Let go of your attachment to outcomes. The universe already knows what you want. You already put in your order with the universe the minute you wanted something. Sometimes uncertainty is the most painful when we really know what we want but those things have not come to fruition yet. For example, I may really know I want to go to school at Stanford, but Stanford has not sent an acceptance letter or a rejection letter yet. So I am in a space of uncertainty and in this scenario, what is torturing me is the attachment I have to the outcome I want. I become hyper controlling of everything in my external world when I have an attachment to how things have to turn out. I obsess about how things are supposed to be. This also prevents me from noticing the other gifts, potentials and opportunities around me.
So one of the best practices is to let go of our need for things to be a certain way. My favorite way to do this is to have people imagine the scenario they really want to have happen in their mind. Create the image of that outcome or thing you want as if it were a scene contained in a balloon. See yourself tied to that balloon in some way (maybe picture it tied to your wrist or around your heart by a ribbon) And then, untie the string or ribbon and watch it float up and away from you to be claimed by the sky. Knowing that the outcome is in the hands of the universe. And also knowing that the universe knows that the way to get you to that outcome the quickest, might be a completely different way than you thought you would get to that outcome. Then, having released that outcome, go about your day in the name of joy, placing your mind on the things that bring you pleasure in real time.
5. Notice the positives around you. This involves some discipline. When we are in uncertainty, we are stuck. If we are stuck somewhere, we have one option and that is to try to appreciate where we are. In uncertainty, our mind is paralyzed by worry. We become so negatively focused towards ‘what is’ that we spend our life trying to get somewhere else. We also spend our time worrying and expecting the worst. It is exhausting and it turns our world completely black. Doom sets in; we can even experience anxiety, anxiety attacks and depression. So what we have to do is to begin to deliberately look for things to enjoy about wherever we are. To get aggressive with you, this is what I call the moonlight in the jail cell exercise. If I am stuck in a jail cell, everything is super crappy. But if there is a sliver of moonlight in the jail cell, I have the power to focus on the moonlight instead of on the jail bars. Scan your reality for what you DO like about it. Especially survey the situation that is causing you pain for what you do like about it. Keep a journal where you list positive aspects. Pull it out any time you feel yourself spiraling negatively. For more ideas about how to counteract the doom and worry inherent in uncertainty, watch my videos titled “How to Raise your Frequency and Increase your Vibration”, “How to Stop Worrying” and “How to Stop Expecting the Worst.” I will tip you off that if you find the gifts inherent in the experience that is causing you to suffer, it minimizes the suffering and can even do away with suffering entirely. 6. Begin the practice of riding the rapids of the current of life. Become curious about where this life is going to take you. If our life journey were a river, most of us spend our lives trying to control the current of the river. We do not consciously know where the river will take us. Some of us only know where we would prefer for it to take us. We can develop practices and take actions and think thoughts that make the trip down the river, a journey of more ease. But in order to embrace uncertainty, let go of the idea that you can control the river itself. This is what we are trying to do when we try to find and hold on to certainty in life. But the only certainty is uncertainty. If you adopt the idea that the only certain thing is uncertainty, you will stop trying to control your life. You will head in the general direction of the things you know you want and instead, let the current of life take you. Instead of fighting against it, you will see what it wants to show you and where it wants you to go. A curiosity develops, a willingness to change course completely. Instead of fighting the ups and downs of life, you just let yourself ride the rapids and because of that lack of resistance to the ups and downs, you do not suffer as a result of them. If you could not know where life would take you and if you could not control the current of the river, all that would be left was curiosity. Instead of certainty, live with curiosity about what will happen. Approach the world with an attitude of I wonder what will happen and then watch the story unfold. 7. See the beauty in not knowing. One form of certainty obsession is the obsession over right and wrong and subsequently the obsession over knowing everything. If we are struggling with uncertainty, we need to embrace the idea that we can never be 100% sure. The ego is obsessed with knowing because it thinks that if it knows, it can prevent unwanted things from happening. But the state of learning is a higher state than the state of knowing because it is a state that is open to all possibilities, including possibilities that will offer much more peace than knowing. Knowing in a way is a state of ended-ness. Questions lead to answers, which lead to more questions, which lead to more answers which lead to more questions and this is the way of it. “Maybe” can be a powerful tool to adopt in this circumstance. If you are obsessed with being right, develop the habit of thinking “Maybe” relative to every one of your truths. Doing this means that you are open to the idea of adopting a different and better truth down the road. Having an open mind is like having a life vest on in the river of life.
8. Let the mud settle. A true master of your physical dimension knows when to embrace movement and when to embrace stillness. There is an old Buddhist philosophy that when we are uncertain and when there is chaos, it is like being in a lake when the mud is kicked up in a cloud by our feet. Everything is murky, we cannot see through the water clearly. We especially cannot see clearly enough to make good decisions. Finding the solution is like thrashing around to try to get the mud to go away. All thus does is stir up more mud. But if we just stand still, the mud will settle and we will see clearly again. Practically this means that if you are in a state of uncertainty, it is a time for stillness. We need to come back to ourselves and not take rash actions and make rash decisions. You see, we don’t know until we know. So by letting the mud settle in our lives (instead of endlessly and frantically searching for the answers and solutions) we allow the answers and solutions to come to us. This also allows our intuition to be heard by us. If we do not let the mud settle, we cannot hear our intuition beyond the loudness of our minds. Quieting your mind through meditation is a very good idea to enhance this phase of stillness. Add meditation to your daily routine, preferably first thing in the morning. 9. Question yourself and question everything. When we are struggling with uncertainty, we are already in a phase of questioning, whether we are conscious of it or not. So, dive right in and become conscious of your questioning. Sometimes involving other people like therapists of friends in this process is beneficial because they can come up with questions and perspectives we have never seen. One of my favorite activities to use when someone is in a space of uncertainty is to have them write the situation they are uncertain about and then to ask people in their lives to look at the situation and write down key questions they would have the person ask themselves or think about relative to that situation. You wouldn’t believe how the right question can lead you to the answer you’ve been looking for. In my opinion, one of the most important questions to ask yourself is: What can I learn from this? Another form of questioning to imply in times of uncertainty involves questioning your own beliefs and painful thoughts. My favorite process for this is Byron Katie’s process called “The Work”. Try all of these ideas to see which one helps you the most.
10. Play a game called “What advice would I give to someone else in my exact same situation?” We know much more than we think we know. Our intuition gives us much more access to a sense of certainty than our questioning mind. We just have to allow it to speak. Often times when we are in 1st person perspective, we feel the pressure and risk of our situation to the degree that we become paralyzed by it. So we can dis identify with ourselves by imagining that we are sitting in a therapist’s chair and that a duplicate of ourselves walks into the room and sits down and shares with us the scenario that they were struggling with (the scenario being of course the exact one that we are struggling with) And then we imagine, what we would tell that person. What advice would we give about the situation? This practice can bring about great clarity. 11. Seek out healthy stress reducers. Uncertainty sends us into fight of flight mode. We need to allow our nervous system the things it needs to come back into a state of ease. This includes eating a diet that calms the nervous system instead of stimulates it. The things that reduce your stress may be different from what reduces someone else’s stress, so stay open to finding your perfect cocktail of stress reduction techniques. Here is a list of some ideas to start with. Go for a walk somewhere in nature, write, take a hot bath with incense and candles, watch funny video clips, get a massage, go camping, do progressive relaxation techniques, take a yoga class, dance, listen to stress reducing music, cook, spend time with animals, drink tea (especially black tea). You get the idea. Also when we are in a space of uncertainty, our stress is greatly amplified if we are isolated. So repeat after me: “It’s ok to get support”. Almost anything is tolerable if we have someone to go through the uncertainty with us; or at least be with us while we are uncertain. So, unless people greatly increase your stress at this point in your life, connect with people. If you have difficulty connecting with people, watch my YouTube video titled “How to Connect With Someone”. We will not win the fight against uncertainty by becoming certain. We will not find our stability by trying to make the unstable, stable. Instead our certainty and stability comes from decidedly embracing uncertainty. Embracing uncertainty, does not mean that we stop wanting. It doesn’t mean that we stop creating our lives and it doesn’t mean that we stop taking action to create what we want in our lives. What it means is we untangle our intention from our attachment so as to let our attachment go. The universe is always carrying us towards our highest good, even if the road to our highest good takes us straight through hell.
The future is not certain. Not for anyone. Even those of us who can see it, will tell you that it changes as you go along. If you change even one perspective, that can alter your entire destiny. Life is like a journey into uncharted waters for all of us. If we become preoccupied with avoiding potential pain, we resist the waves at our own peril. We miss the glory of the sunsets on the ocean of our lives. So I say, embrace the uncertainty of your life, send the universe the message “bring it on” and you will begin to see the sunsets.
I really don’t have to go into any detail about how to know whether you are having a nervous break down because if you’re having a nervous breakdown, you know it. It is very similar to an anxiety attack that doesn’t seem to end. You may feel like you’ve lost touch with reality. Exhaustion consumes you. It is debilitating to the degree that you can’t carry on with day-to-day life, even the smallest task is too difficult. Instead, it feels like you are forced to simply surrender and allow the feelings to take over your body like an emotional version of the flu. The most common causes of nervous break down are past traumas, problems in intimate relationships (such as break ups or divorces), experiencing the death of a loved one, problems relative to occupational pursuits like career or schooling (such as sleep deprivation or a schedule that is too rigorous or inter office conflicts), health problems (such as injuries or chronic illnesses) and financial problems (such as debt or poverty).
Why did I list these common causes? Because it is important to realize that breakdowns happen for a reason! When you’re in the middle of the breakdown, you will be feeling crazy or mentally ill and like you’ve lost your capacity to control yourself, you will feel like the potential reasons for it happening are not big or bad enough to justify the way you feel. And most importantly, you will not feel like it is temporary. You will feel like you have lost it for good.
So what should you do if you’re having a breakdown?
1. A breakdown is like a rip tide. If you fight it, you will only drown quicker and be drug under the water in such a way that you can no longer breathe. So, let it take you. Do not resist a break down. Treat it like an emotional flu… Like a healing crisis. If you had a bad viral illness, you literally couldn’t function. Treat your breakdown the same way. Intentionally let go to the experience. The worst thing you could try to do during a breakdown is try to function. You may fear that if you give into the breakdown and what the breakdown is compelling you to do to cope (like curing up in bed) that it will never end, but the opposite is true. So don’t go get a psychiatric medication prescribed. Try to get help from others with the things that “have to be done”. Of course question whether something has to be done or whether you’re choosing to do it because you’re telling yourself it has to be done. If you haven’t yet, watch my video titled “How to Heal the Emotional Body”. During a breakdown, you may choose to apply the technique presented in that video or give yourself permission to not do any personal work on yourself, but you will notice that the most interesting thing about a nervous breakdown is that during a nervous breakdown, your body is forcing you to involuntarily do the very process I ask you to voluntarily do in the video because it is attempting to self generate a healing. Instinctive healing forces are at work during a breakdown. And remember, these feelings are not trying to hurt you. They are not something happening to you. They are instead like small, completely powerless and frightened children begging for your help. 2. The breakdown is telling you that change must be made to your life. You cannot let your life go back to normal. So don’t think that just surrendering to it for a while and letting it pass and then returning to life as normal is going to cut it. Once you identify the stressor that tipped you over the edge, brainstorm changes you could make to that specific area of your life to reduce the stress level of it. Seek help with it from others. Both trusted friends and/or professionals. A nervous breakdown happens when stressors uncover your deepest fears. So the time is ripe to discover what those fears really are and to address those fears directly when you feel capable. 3. Stop living for the future or for plans. Literally reel it in and live five minutes at a time or an hour at a time. Live for whatever decreases your stress. Live according to the question: What would feel like just a little bit more relief at this moment? Maybe it’s eating a bowl of mashed potatoes, maybe it’s watching a funny move, maybe it’s laying on a blanket in the forest, maybe it’s crawling under the covers. Whatever it is, do it and then when you feel done with that, ask the question again. When you begin to feel more energy and less incapacitated, you will naturally begin to do normal daily life activities again, so contrary to popular belief, this doesn’t have to be forced.
4. If you have a tendency to have chronic nervous breakdowns, you can be sure that there is a chronic stressor that needs attention in your life. Most often this chronic stressor is unhealed trauma left over from childhood. And on this note, I’m going to expose a common pattern amongst those who have chronic breakdowns. That common pattern is un-safety. People who feel chronically unsafe have a diminished capacity to deal with other stressors. It’s a bit like trying to tightrope walk when you are also piggybacking an elephant. The likelihood of collapse is much higher. And on top of that, when we feel unsafe, we tend to use people to feel safe. Many people who chronically experience nervous breakdowns have the subconscious belief that there is going to be a negative consequence to being well or happy. So, if you chronically experience nervous breakdowns, ask yourself this question and think way outside the box to discover potential answers: “Why do you need to be weak or unhappy or in need of rescue? What bad thing will happen if you’re powerful, happy, and healthy with no need for rescue? Put yourself in the position of being happy and powerful and healthy and see if there are any negative feelings associated with that condition. Some of us find that being well means being abandoned by others so only by being unwell, can we guarantee connection or support. Some of us find that by being well, we feel we will be attacked, so by being unwell we send up a white mercy flag that says to others “I’m the underdog, have mercy on me”. Don’t take this to mean that you’re faking nervous breakdowns in order to have people around, rather see that you can’t stop having breakdowns because of the absolutely incapacitating fear you have of abandonment or harm. 5. When we are having a nervous breakdown, something in our life is going really crappy. And we have begun to spiral as a result of that. One exercise you can do that is really beneficial is to look at the situation that is really bad and ask yourself “what has this caused me to know that I want” or “what possibility exists as the exaltation of this circumstance?” And then brainstorm both things you could think and also things you could do to bring you closer to that possibility or thing this situation has caused you to know that you want. Make sure you do this when you have the energy and inspiration to do it. This should never be forced. Forcing something during a breakdown will actually just cause further breakdown. For example, say you’re having a nervous breakdown and you realize that the trigger for that breakdown was that your husband just said that he wanted a divorce. Potentially the circumstance has caused you to know you want to be valued for who you are and to feel like you have value. To get closer to that state, you could perhaps sit down and write a list of valuable attributes that you possess that others might find attractive. You might buy and read a self-esteem book and try out the exercises provided in the book. You might get a makeover. You might sign up to a life transforming workshop or seminar. You might fill your schedule with things that you know cause you to feel more confident, like a hobby you are particularly good at. Or maybe you could get on a plane and go visit a friend who makes you feel valued.
6. Do things that make you feel safe. Safety is a difficult feeling to access when we are feeling unsafe. But if you’re having a nervous breakdown, you are feeling unsafe and need to find ways to feel safer than you currently feel. For this reason, I like to have people make a safety list. A list of all the little and big things that cause you to feel safe, like listening to the sound of a cat purr or the smell of cinnamon or warm towels fresh out of the dryer or the sound of someone’s voice etc. Make this list as long as possible and whenever those feelings of un-safety arise, go pick something off of the list and do it. One of the things that feels the best to people who feel unsafe is the feeling of being cocooned. So allow yourself to be cocooned. Visualizations of being cocooned in light or in a flower bud, or any other type of thing that creates a safe sense of containment are great. Letting yourself hide under the covers is a good thing. Potentially even creating a secret hideout for yourself, regardless of whether or not you are an adult is good too.
7. Do trauma release exercises. If you are having a nervous breakdown, your nervous system is shot. One of my favorite techniques for helping your body to release trauma was designed by David Berceli. It is called the “Trauma Releasing Exercises” or TRE. So look them up and try them.
8. Give your body something to build upon. Go for a walk, even if it is just around the block. During a nervous breakdown, you may lose your appetite entirely. But you need to try to sip and nibble so as to not feed the cycle of your stress hormones wreaking more havoc on your body than they already are. Do NOT indulge in junk foods; this will only exacerbate the problem. Instead, eat tiny bits of healthy foods or protein shakes that require no preparation. And get out into the sun for 20 minutes a day. Just pull a blanket outside to a chair or to the ground and lay out in it. Vitamin D is a mood stabilizer.
The way our society is set up is ripe to cause nervous breakdowns. And the worst part is, it’s not set up to allow for them, the very thing it creates. Many of you might watch this video and say, “Teal obviously doesn’t live in the real world, where things have to be done and so I don’t get to have a nervous breakdown… I wish she’d just tell me how to stop a nervous breakdown so I can get on with life as usual”. But trying to get on with life as normal is why you’re having the nervous breakdown in the first place. We need to create a life for ourselves and eventually a society that allows for things like breakdowns and illnesses. We can’t expect ourselves to function under the stress of most of our lives. The serious reality is that if we do not allow ourselves to have a nervous breakdown if it occurs, our body will find a way to stop us and usually it does this through debilitating chronic illness so my question to you would be, do you want to willingly do it today and make hard changes that guarantee you a life that feels good, or do you want to wait for your body to literally force you to do it unwillingly? Also, I hear the excuse often that “I can’t have a nervous breakdown because of my kids”. The question to ask yourself then is, “what message do I want to be sending to my kids with my actions?” Do I want to be sending them the message that they need to cope with life and do what has to be done, no matter how they feel? Or do I want them to thrive as a result of sculpting a life according to what feels good to them? Children do not need you to be perfectly strong for them all the time, what they need is a secure connection with you. They can handle the reality that people have a hard time and get sick, what they can’t handle is the repercussions of you treating them like they are just one more reason that you have to keep it together. Can you feel the guilt and pain of being saddled with the perspective that you are a burden or one more item of pressure from your parent? The parents, who handle breakdowns the best, reassure their children of their unconditional love and the security of connection while still allowing themselves to have a breakdown.
Letting yourself intentionally melt into the breakdown, is the quickest way through. There is no way to come out the other side the same and time will only ever show an improvement as a result of it. So repeat after me, “It’s ok to not be ok”.
We are born whole, but that wholeness is short lived because we are relationally dependent. Being born relationally dependent into families that socialize us into a society that is not fully evolved yet, spells trouble because it causes us to learn that some aspects of ourselves are acceptable, and others are not. What is acceptable vs. unacceptable depends on the perspective of the family you’re born into. The aspects of us that are seen as unacceptable (both positive and negative) are rejected by our family and the aspects that are seen as acceptable are not. So, being relationally dependent, in the name of survival, we do anything we can to disown and deny and suppress those aspects in ourselves that are disapproved of whilst exaggerating those that are approved of. We dissociate from what we disapprove of. This creates a split within the person that we call the conscious and the subconscious. This self-preservation instinct of dividing ourselves into conscious and subconscious is in fact our first act of self-rejection. Years ago, the revolutionary psychologist Carl Jung (while studying with Freud), observed the fact that there were parts of his patients that they, themselves were aware of and to the contrary, there were parts that they, themselves were unaware of. Consciousness has long been referred to as a light. To become conscious of something is to be able to see it in the same way that we see something that is exposed to light. When something is unconscious, we cannot see it. It is as if we are trying to see it in the dark. And so, Carl Jung began to refer to the unconscious aspects within a person that they, themselves are unaware of or could not see as their ‘shadow’. The human shadow is any aspect of a person that is not exposed to the light of consciousness.
The reason that the human shadow contains mostly negative things is because we tend to reject or deny or suppress or disown the least desirable aspects of our personality. For example, we are more likely to suppress jealousy than to suppress a talent we have. But the most common misconception about the human shadow is that it contains only negative things. In fact, the human shadow often contains disowned or rejected aspects of a person that are truly positive. This is especially true for people who struggle with shame and low self-esteem. I’ll give you an example of how the positive could end up in the human shadow: Let’s say that a little girl is born with a definite sense of self. She is confident and asserts her opinion. Now let’s say she’s born into a family that thinks little girls need to be obedient and sweet and quiet. The aspects of her that are confident and assertive will be rejected by the family. So for the sake of survival in the social group, she will also begin to reject those things in herself. She will deny that aspect of herself in order to get love to the degree that as an adult she will most likely be sweet, quiet and obedient. Her life will be painful because she has exiled part of herself. She is divided. As an adult, she may work with someone to discover what feelings or beliefs or memories are part of her subconscious and discover that she is in fact confident and assertive. When she re-owns that aspect of herself, she will have the confidence to create a life that feels good and assert herself to those around her instead of remain obedient to those around her. Now I’ll give you an example of how the negative ends up part of the human shadow: A child is born into a family where anger is not an ok emotion to express. When the child gets angry, he is shamed for that anger so the child suppresses and denies his anger for the sake of survival within the household. But the anger doesn’t go away. He just consciously denies it. It becomes subconscious. As an adult, he will most likely not have any awareness that he has any anger in him at all. He will not and cannot see himself clearly because he has denied that aspect of himself. So when people tell him that he is angry, he will not relate to that at all. He will probably only relate to himself as easy going. If he works with someone to discover the feelings and beliefs and memories that are part of his subconscious, he may discover that he really is angry and that that anger has been coming out all along in passive aggressive ways and hurting the people around him. If he addresses the anger directly, his passive aggressive behavior will cease to exist and his relationships will become much more enjoyable. When we deny, suppress or disown something, it doesn’t disappear. It just fades from our awareness. This is the reason we do so many things that we feel out of control of and this is why we feel so many things but don’t know why and this is why we do so many things without knowing why we are doing them. To acknowledge whatever we have suppressed or denied or disowned into the subconscious, brings up the same fear of rejection that we were met with the first time around, by our parents and caregivers and so it makes us feel like we are going to be exiled or punished again. It sets off our survival mechanisms and thus, makes us feel like we are quite literally going to die… No wonder self-awareness isn’t so easy to attain. Every human in existence that was ever socialized (which is everyone), went through this process of splitting themselves into parts. Parts that are owned and parts that are disowned. This self-rejection is the birth of self-hate. The emptiness that we feel is the result of those missing rejected or disowned parts of our self. And the soul wants one thing, to make us whole again. We will be provided every single opportunity to become whole again and to make the subconscious conscious. But in order to become whole again, we need to see and accept the aspects of ourselves that we disowned and denied and rejected. This is what shadow work is all about.
Unfortunately, shadow work has become a controversial practice, especially in the positive focus community. For this reason, I urge you to watch my YouTube video titled: Shadow work vs. Positive focus. Shadow work can be painful. Self-awareness does not come naturally to those who make a practice of avoiding pain because to become aware of those aspects, you must stop trying to escape the pain and emptiness within you where those missing parts should be. But it is also the key to a consciously aware and free life. In summation, shadow work is now a term used often in spiritual and psychology circles to describe any process (of which there are thousands) that makes the subconscious conscious. The more aware you are of your shadow, the more embodied you are as a conscious being. And no one ever reached enlightenment without confronting their shadow and exposing it to the light of consciousness. Ultimately, shadow work is bringing attention and love to those things that have been previously rejected. And so, if you ask me, shadow work is in fact the highest form of light work you can do.
A long time ago, I was over at a friend’s house for tea. We were discussing the fact that people tend to have a relationship with Source or God that is distant. A bit like the relationship you might have with a distant authority figure like the president or a king. But deliberate manifestation depends upon having a close relationship with Source or God. I confessed that day that I had a love hate relationship with Source because at times, I felt like the universe was on my side and at times, I felt like the universe was against me. This friend of mine suggested that I start having conversations with Source directly, like a wife would speak to her husband. Basically conversing with Source as if I were in an intimate relationship with Source. The idea of speaking directly to Source felt difficult and forced to me. But I am a writer, so I turned this idea into a practice that I still use to this day. I’m going to share this practice with you today.
At the most ultimate level, the level we call Source or God, all is one. All essentially is God and is indivisible from God. So, the living room table is God, your mother is God, your dog is God, the grass growing outside is God. You are God. Everything is just a different expression of this one energy, which is imbued with consciousness that we call God or Source. What does this mean? It means you can mentally bypass the person or the dog, or the grass or the table or your mother and talk to the God in them. It’s a bit like pretending that the only relationship you do have is with Source and that this being called Source is simply expressing itself to you in all these different ways for the sake of your own awareness and growth. So, for example, if you get in a fight with your mother, you can write directly to God about why God (as your mother) decided to make you feel the way you feel.
To do this exercise, purchase a journal. Then every day, write a letter to Source. You may not have had any real connection to Source or God before and that is ok… you will not be ignored just because you’ve never interacted before. And be prepared to find out how you really feel about Source or God or the universe. Pay attention to how you feel writing these letters. This is your time to let yourself really be known to source and to let yourself be honest and to be heard. Be prepared to express some really strong emotions. What you will find is that we overlay the personality of our authority figures in childhood (usually the one we were the most afraid of) over our idea of God and so we expect the same treatment from the universe as we got from them. This means, if you had authority figures who punished you, prepare to discover that down deep, you feel the universe wants to punish you. Remember that Source can handle any and all of your negative emotions, even hate and revenge and anger. It is not like your parents, it will not punish you for the way you feel and it will not hate you for hating it.
These letters can be positive or negative or both. They should be true to however you feel at the moment. Perhaps you will write source a love letter one day or a praising letter the next or a letter asking for something or a letter to express how much source has hurt you and why. Ask any questions you’ve been dying to know. This exercise is like prayer on steroids. Here are two example letters that my clients were so kind to lend me for this episode:
1. Dear God, When I was standing in line today at the grocery store, you smiled at me as a little boy. It made me remember that I am taking life too seriously and that I need to play again so I made a decision, I decided I’m going to take my son mountain biking this weekend. I need you, as my boss to let me have an extra day off. I’m going to ask you for that day off tomorrow. Please say yes. I don’t want to be put into the position again where I have to choose between making one person mad to make another one happy. Why do you do that to yourself? Put yourself as me, in between two people who want two different things so you, as me have to choose between them? I hate this feeling. It makes me feel like I’m 6 years old again choosing which parent to go with after the divorce. What decision did you want me to make? Why keep putting me in the situation over and over again. I don’t understand it, please help me understand it. Thank you for becoming the sunset tonight. I love when you turn into a sunset. I am proud of myself because ever since I started trying to notice the little things in my life that make me happy, I am seeing things like sunsets again and life feels more livable. I hope that you are proud of me too. I really want you to put more little things to appreciate in my path this week. I’ll be looking for you in them. Thank you for the little things. 2. Dear God, Why do you hate me? Why do you want me to hurt so much? You know what I want. I want safety and belonging and to feel valued, so why did you, as my husband leave me today? Why have you, as my husband been ignoring me, shaming me, punishing me and making me feel like I’m unlovable for months? Why did this have to happen? I do not understand what you want from me. Leaving me is not loving me. Why does it have to be the hard way? Why do you, as people have to find out how to feel love before you get love to feel rich before you get rich. Why can’t you just help yourself out once in a while by becoming a man who will love a woman even if she’s never felt loved before? Why are you so unfair? Sometimes I think you want me to suffer. What do you like about suffering? I’m tired of the idea that suffering leads to enlightenment or happiness, I don’t think it’s worth it. Please stop torturing me. Stop leaving me through all these people. Please stay with me instead. I need your help, please help me?
After you write your letter, just remain open to receiving answers or messages to your letters in the world around you. Some will be subtle; others will not be so subtle. If you don’t recognize any return messages, don’t stop the exercise; simply write letters asking why you aren’t seeing messages, or why Source is ignoring you.
Also, when you have finished each letter, do a little exercise in self-awareness. After you write your letter to Source, mentally exchange “Dear Source” with “Dear Self” and then each time you say “you” referring to source, mentally exchange it with “I”. So a line that read “why are you punishing me?” Is changed to “why am I punishing me?” We do this to see how a great many of the things that cause you to suffer, are in fact things you’re doing to yourself. And also how a great many of the things you credit to God, you are doing for yourself. Once you have done this, exchange “Dear Source” for Dear Mom” or “Dear Dad”(try both to see which parent you overlay with source) and then read the letter over as if you have written it to that parent. This exercise will show you the true origins of your feelings towards God and also what unresolved wounds are still present from childhood. This exercise can release trauma we’ve been holding for years. If you don’t like writing letters, you can speak or think your messages out to God as if you’re talking to the universe directly. If any of you saw the amazing scene in Forest Gump where Lieutenant Dan is screaming at God from the crows nest of the ship and the peace he felt after the interaction, have a picture of how this can go.
After a time, you will begin to feel like you have a connection to source everywhere you go, and a secure one. You will begin to feel source in everything and everyone. It may even turn into your primary attachment relationship. You will feel much less alone and your manifestations will be amplified greatly. You want to work towards a relationship of trust and closeness and connection with the universe itself. It will make life seem livable and safe and abundant. But for some of us, this journey to closeness with the universe will begin with the realization about how disconnected, distrusting and hurt we feel with Source or God. Screaming at God is still a better relationship than no relationship at all. So try it out for yourself.
You have one option when it comes to your needs and that is to meet them. I’m going to repeat what I just said so it sinks in… Your one option when it comes to needs is to meet them. Why is this your one option? Because if you do not meet those needs consciously, you will meet them subconsciously. This is what manipulation is. Manipulation carries a big stigma and makes it sound as if someone is malevolently controlling someone else. In reality, it is highly subconscious and also quite innocent.
MEETING OUR NEEDS SUBCONSCIOUSLY
Manipulation is what we do when we feel we cannot meet out needs directly, so instead we try to meet them in round about ways. We try to influence others to do what we want them to do so our needs are met. For example, a person who needs to feel safe but who cannot ask directly to be protected, may create a situation where they have to be rescued by someone else or paint the false picture that they are in danger so other people will step up and offer their protection. Or, a person who needs help or needs to feel supported, but who cannot ask directly for help or support, may develop an illness that makes it so people have to help or support them. Or a person who needs to feel accepted, but who can’t seek that out directly, will become a chameleon to try to influence people to accept him or her. Every one of us manipulates. The question is to what degree are we conscious of that manipulation?
Some common ways of manipulating people are lying, dropping hints, guilting others, self sacrificing, being passive aggressive or using emotional punishment against them, flattering people insincerely, being a chameleon, being seductive, making false promises, doing favors, making yourself out to be the victim and making threats etc. Keep in mind that we all use what we have, so we will usually manipulate people with whatever is currently working to our advantage. For example, a spiritual medium may use their abilities to “divine” messages for you from God simply to keep you dependent on them and thus guarantee that you will never leave them. Manipulation doesn’t make you a bad person, but dare to take a look at your life and ask yourself, how do I manipulate? In what ways do I ensure that I will get the reaction I want from others instead of just asking for what I want upfront? In what ways do I think I can meet other people’s needs just so that they can meet mine?
Manipulation will always feel out of alignment with your own sense of integrity because if you are manipulating, you are not being authentic. So a good question to ask yourself might be… What things cause me pain or make me feel ashamed of myself that I cannot give up or get over or stop doing? For example, a person might find that even though it causes them pain to cut themselves, they cannot give it up because when they cut, they get people to stop what they are doing and attend to them with concern. Therefore the cutting is a way of meeting their need to be seen and understood. Also, take a look at what was not ok to need or want in your family. We tend to manipulate to get the needs met which we feel are not ok to have, especially emotional needs. And once you find those needs, ask yourself one by one, how do I go about getting this need in my life currently?
BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO BE VULNERABLE
Stopping ourselves from manipulating is difficult for one major reason… it requires us to be brave enough to be vulnerable. We have to be willing to admit to needs that we feel are not ok. Once we become conscious of our manipulation, it no longer feels good to do the manipulative thing that we were doing and we will naturally find ways to replace our way of meeting that need. When we catch ourselves in the act of manipulating, we can ask ourselves, “What is it that I am trying to get by doing this?” And then we can express that need directly or meet that need directly in another way.
Get in touch with what you want and what you need. You’ve got to take the time or take pauses over the course of the day to ask yourself what you really need or really want. If you need help, look on the Internet for a list of needs. Physical, mental and emotional needs. And from those lists, make a list of your individual needs. Then, when you feel negatively, go to the list and identify the need you have and find ways to fulfill that need or express it to others. In my community, sometimes we bring these sheets of needs to someone in the community and ask them to point to the one they need. Another good exercise to do throughout the day is to ask the inner child what it needs. Inner children are better at picking out the need they have from a list than they are at verbally expressing it. With each and every need, you can then brainstorm ways to meet the need yourself and have the need met by others. Involve other people in this brainstorming task if you get stuck. If you are truly clueless about your needs and wants, take a look at what you know that you don’t want. To the other side of those aversions, are preferences. You may have heard of the hungry ghost, which represents greed… the concept that if you begin to give into your needs, they never stop and you just keep wanting more and more. This couldn’t be any further from the truth. Imagine for once that a need that is met is a need that is met and that if you meet a need, you will feel satiated. The truth is greed is not a natural state… because starvation is not a natural state. If one’s needs were met consistently, one would not become concerned with the self-centered desire to hoard resources. Hoarding only occurs in the presence of the fear of scarcity. So not meeting your needs is a great way to become greedy.
No need is too childish… It’s tempting to see needs like being held or like being comforted as childish needs. But these needs often exist because they were not met within us in childhood. If a need isn’t met in childhood, we never actually mature past that point. And it may be tempting to think that if we start to meet the needs of the inner child as an adult, that the inner child will never be satiated. But it will and the result of satiating the inner child’s needs is that the inner child grows up. In other words, if needs were not met in childhood, they must be met FOR us to grow up. And as a side note, they will be met by us in round about ways whether we like it or not, in fact most of the sexual fetishes in the world are actually about unfulfilled childhood needs. I’ll tell you personal story. I was not protected as a child and some time ago, I realized that I needed to feel safe and didn’t especially when I was sleeping at night. So I directly asked one of my housemates to sleep next to me. I found that the next day, I felt much more secure in the world. Now let me ask you a question, would it have been better to deny this need because it was childish? Would that have made me a “better person?”
YOU ARE DEPENDENT ON OTHER PEOPLE
You may think you are needless, want less or anti-dependent. You may think you don’t need anything from anyone. But in this world, you are dependent on other people. You need them and they need you. This doesn’t mean you are powerless. When you are in the space of thinking you don’t need anything from anyone, you are too afraid to be vulnerable and so you don’t ask for what you need and so your subconscious runs the show, getting you what you need in all kinds of round about and highly manipulative ways that you may not even recognize.
The reality is it’s scary to acknowledge your needs to others, after all someone might say NO to your needs. But I want you to think about it this way… If you were honest about your needs from the get go, people who could not meet those needs would gravitate away and people who could meet those needs would gravitate to you and your life would look a lot different than it does currently. And guess what? It makes us happy to meet each other’s needs. And meeting someone’s needs, might just meet your own simultaneously. For example, one of us might feel happy when we are meeting someone’s need for comfort. Meeting their need for comfort may in fact meet our need for connection. On the flip side, another of us might feel like meeting someone’s need for comfort is as pleasurable as getting our teeth pulled, meeting their need for comfort may in fact conflict with our need for autonomous achievement. So we simply need to allow ourselves to line up with and select people whose needs are met by meeting our needs. You might just be surprised… the people around you might just be relieved to know what your needs are and to be able to meet them. A good question to ask yourself is, what needs make me happy to meet?
MULTIPLE RESOURCES TO MEET YOUR NEEDS
And for those of you who are wondering, what if the person you have chosen for a partner doesn’t want to meet your needs, here’s your answer… Ideally, your needs would be met through various people, not just one. Powerless dependence happens most often when one person is your sole resource for your needs getting met. But you have to be very honest with yourself about what needs you specifically want to have met through a partner and which ones you are ok with getting through someone else. This is an individual preference. And if you find that the needs you specifically want to have met by a partner cannot be met through your partner, let yourself find another partner. Honoring a person when they say No to meeting your needs is a very important thing because it means you can put them in the proper place in your life. For example, if one of your needs in a partnership is emotional availability and your partner can’t be emotionally available, you can now choose to take them out of the role of partner and place them in a friendship role in your life or you can choose to alter your expectation of a partner if that is possible or you can choose to be unfulfilled in that partnership. In my opinion, it’s better to not make each other miserable, resenting each other for things you aren’t providing for each other.
To expand upon the idea of needs, I want you to listen to my video on YouTube titled: The Zebra and The Watering Hole. And I also want you watch my video on YouTube titled “dependence vs. independence.”
There is nothing spiritual about denying yourself of things you want and need. Letting yourself have what you want and need does not turn you into a selfish, entitled, or otherwise bad person. Letting yourself have what you need is food for the soul. So my challenge to you this week is to discover your needs, admit to them and then meet those needs directly. Yes, it will require bravery because it will make you feel vulnerable. But it will also place you squarely in your authenticity and it will give you the best shot at feeling nourished that you’ve ever had.
The best way of describing indecision is that you are in a “frozen state” where you are stuck and you feel powerless to get free. The course of our lives is determined by decisions and so the happiness of our lives, depends upon them. We are on this earth for the purpose of expansion and progression and so when we are stuck where we are, especially if where we are is uncomfortable, our soul pulls at us to move forward and expand and the resistance we have to that movement is felt as extreme negative emotion.
First off, it is important for the sake of awareness to be aware that if you have a difficult time making decisions as an adult, you often find that as a child, you experienced one or both of two traumatic “freeze states”. The first is an experience (or many) where you felt like you couldn’t win no matter what you did. The classic damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenario. The second is an experience (or many) where there was a high degree of value placed on right or wrong, success or failure. So you experienced painful consequences as a result of making the choice that your adult caregivers thought was wrong. This created a fear of making the wrong choice.
Let’s just jump right into it… what the hell should you do about you indecision?
1. If we can’t make a decision, it is because we fear the consequences. So ask yourself, “What do I think the consequences are of each potential decision?” In the western world, when we feel stuck because we can’t make a decision because we fear negative consequences on both sides, we call this being stuck between a rock and a hard place. So the question to ask yourself is, “What is the rock and what is the hard place?” What bad thing will happen if I make either decision? What does this consequence mean?
2. When you find what you are afraid of… face it. You will find that your worst-case scenarios deal directly with childhood wounds. Re-visit these wounds. Grant them your unconditional presence. Let’s say your worst-case scenario is abandonment. If you can feel the feeling of abandonment, be with the feeling of abandonment and use the feeling to access the memory of abandonment that is being triggered by the scenario you are currently in. To learn this process, watch my video on YouTube titled: “How to Heal the Emotional Body”. When we integrate these childhood wounds, we will not feel the same way towards what we are afraid of. Potentially, if you chronically struggle to make decisions, you will even be lead to memories where you suffered as a result of making decisions as a child or memories where you are stuck in a lose lose scenario. Also, release resistance to the fear by allowing yourself to go to the worst case scenario and deliberately find thoughts to soothe yourself into feeling better about the worst case scenarios so they don’t preoccupy so much of your focus. The more aware we are of what we are afraid of, the more conscious we are and the less power these fears have over us. Find the beliefs you have about those worst-case scenarios. For example, if I think a consequence of making a decision might be, I’ll lose my whole family, then I ask myself, “Why would that be so bad?” and “What am I really afraid of about this worst case scenario and what it means?” The answer might be, if I lose my family, I’ll be all-alone. This is a belief I can work with. I can question the belief and change the belief. My favorite process for questioning a belief is offered by Byron Katie, it is a process called “The Work”. If you want to change a belief, you can watch my video on YouTube titled ‘How to Change a Belief”.
Remember that the meaning you give something controls how you feel. We have to be willing to alter the meaning of an experience if we want to feel better about it. And how we feel about something controls the decision we will make about something, or whether we will make a decision at all.
3. Once we have done that, we can take a look at each of these worst case scenarios and ask ourselves, “What is this potential consequence making me aware that I want?” Any time we are experiencing negative emotion or fear, we have keen awareness of what is unwanted. To the opposite side of that unwanted experience, we are coming into the awareness of what is really wanted. This is one of the main gifts of indecision. When we are in a space of indecision, we are gaining clear awareness about what it is that we truly want as well as the awareness of who we really are. First and foremost, we are becoming aware that what we want is clarity and to know ourselves and what we want. From there, our job is to focus on what we want. Focus is everything when it comes to decisions. If I focus on the fact that I don’t know, I’m giving more energy to not knowing and so I get more of that in my life. If I focus in an unconscious way on what I don’t want, I get more of that in my life. And so, I must focus on what I want, for the clarity of what decision to make to come into focus. If you’re struggling to figure out what you want, watch my video on YouTube titled “How to Discover What You Want”.
4. If we really can’t make a decision, we need to release resistance to the idea of having to make a decision and instead focus ourselves into alignment. In layman’s terms this means we have to deliberately focus at anything that causes us to feel good. In the universal sense, the minute we know what we want (which can be conscious or subconscious), our higher self already becomes the vibrational equivalent of that thing and we are then pulled towards it as if by a huge magnet. When we are focused on things that cause us to feel bad, we are turned in the opposite direction of it and when we are focused on things that cause us to feel good, we are turned in the direction of it. So if we will focus upon anything that causes us to feel good about any subject, we are allowing ourselves to flow towards what is wanted and then the opportunities and people and circumstances that are a match to what we want, come into manifested reality. It is very easy to then feel clear about the decision we need to make. The decisions made from a space of feeling good, are always the right decisions for you personally. The actions taken from a place of feeling good are always the right actions to take.
When it comes to making an important decision, unless you feel so inspired about taking an action that nothing could keep you from it, you are not ready to take action yet and so the order of the day is to just focus positively and release resistance to the negative that arises until the action you need to take feels undeniable. So, how does this look practically? Let’s say that you have to decide whether to end a relationship or not. But you just can’t decide. It seems like pain either way. You face and release resistance to the potential consequences of both staying in and ending the relationship by revisiting and integrating the wounds that are being triggered from childhood. You soothe yourself into feeling better about the potential consequences and question and change your thoughts about the consequences. You then focus on what this scenario is causing you to know that you want. So let’s pretend that it is causing you to know that you want to know yourself and what you want so clearly that you are confident of what decisions to make. Perhaps it is causing you to know that you want a partner that you are sure you want to be with because the relationship feels supportive and safe and consistent. You visualize what already having those things in your life would look alike or feel like. You think about why you want those things. You deliberately choose thoughts and things to focus on that make you believe it is possible for you. You look for ways you already do have those things you think you lack in your life already. OR if it’s too hard to focus on what you want, you focus on anything general that feels good like gratitude lists, funny movies, exercise, inspirational speeches etc. What you will find is that eventually, with enough alignment, the decision will become clear to you. You may find that when you are in alignment and thus feeling good, you know that the best choice is to end your relationship and instead of it feeling terrifying, it feels right. Then, you might feel the impulse to call your partner and ask to meet up so you can end the relationship. In other words, your inspired action or inspired decision will become clear to you. And it will be the decision that will bring you to the doorstep of what you want. And then, instead of trying to go find the opportunities and circumstances and people who you think will fulfill your desires, they will come to you and all you will have to do is say yes or no to it. But because you are already in alignment, the saying yes or no to the opportunities will be an easy choice or as we say in America, a no brainer. If we are in alignment and feeling good, the decisions we need to make come to us with no effort.
That sums up the way we intended to make decisions in this life before we came into this life and decided that making decisions was terrifying. But here are some more tips that may help you with your indecision.
1. You need to recognize that no decision is in fact a decision. It is a decision to not decide and this takes you out of the driver’s seat of your life completely. When you decide to not make a decision, a decision will be made for you by life and by those around you. You cannot stop the stream of life and you can’t stop time. There is no pause button on life and so, you have to ask yourself, is it serving me to be in the back seat of life and let the universe or other people decide my life for me right now, or does it not serve me? We have to be really honest with ourselves about the answer to that question but keep in mind that sometimes it absolutely is the best decision to just sit in the back seat and let life make the decision for you. Other times, it is absolute self-sabotage to let life make the decision for you. You already intuitively know whether your decision to not decide, is a beneficial practice of allowing or whether it is self-sabotage and the unwillingness to take responsibility for your own life.
2. No matter what decision you make, you can always make a different decision. Knowing this will help you to feel less stuck and trapped by the decisions you make. This universe is a free will universe and so, you retain the freedom to change your mind always. You can change course at any time and go in a radically different direction. You always have the ability to choose again. Choice is in fact the freedom that no one can ever take away from you. And every single decision we make, brings us closer to knowing the right decision for us specifically. Every decision brings us closer to knowing what we really want. This is important because to create the life we want, we first have to know what we want.
3. You can’t get this life wrong. Because every decision you make only brings greater clarity about what you really want, you are only ever moving closer to the life you came here to live. If you make a choice that feels emotionally wrong to you after you make it, all you did is gain more clarity about what you wanted and thus ads more to universal expansion. And the universe has not decided what is right and what is wrong for you. Free will is about your ability to choose and know what is right for you personally and not anyone else. So, you ultimately can’t make a wrong decision.
4. Take a serious look at your addiction to rightness and goodness. Why do you have to be right or good? What are you trying to get out of it? You cannot struggle with making a decision without first having an addiction to rightness and goodness. You need to look at the universal truth that there is no right or wrong because right or wrong is a matter of perspective. Right and wrong is born out of cultural relativism. Don’t believe me? Look at the world today. If you lived in an Eskimo culture, you would believe there is nothing wrong with killing your infant if you could not reasonably support it. If you lived in American culture, you’d believe someone who killed their infant should go to jail for murder. Your definition of right and wrong depends upon the society and family you were raised in. Hope they were right! And if you’re searching for a universal truth that will allow you to know what is right, here it is… there is no such thing as right or wrong. You can only make decisions based off of what feels in alignment for you personally and we may call that a ‘right decision’. Even if you just took any action and made any decision, that would be progression and movement and would give you more information about what is right for you and what you want.
5. The thing that we may hate about indecision is in fact uncertainty. Sometimes, when we feel the need to make a decision so strongly that we begin to resist indecision itself and feel the desperate urge to make a decision, we hold ourselves in a place of indecision. Whatever we resist persists. When this is the case, we have to take an opposite approach to indecision and become ok with it. For this reason, I want you to watch my YouTube video titled “How to Deal with Uncertainty”. I also want you to get outside the box and think of as may reasons as you can think of for why it is ok to not make a decision. The bottom line is, you will eventually make a decision. As your desires become more obvious to you through your life experience, they will gain strength and momentum and so it will simply become more and more uncomfortable to stay where you are until one day, you will know and the decision will be made. So, if you are feeling desperate to make a decision but don’t know what decision to make, repeat after me… I’ll know when I know. 6. Make your life practice, the practice of increasing your self-concept. The more self worth and self-esteem and self-love you have, the easier it is to make decisions that are right for you. You will have the confidence to know your heart and mind and other people’s approval or lack thereof will not factor into the decision making process. You will no longer be obsessed with how you appear. If you struggle with self worth, watch my videos on YouTube titled “How To Overcome Shame” “How To Develop Healthy Boundaries” and “ How Do I Discover Self Worth”.
7. Trust Your Gut. Trust your intuition. Most of the decisions we are faced with, we already know the answer to; we just don’t have the courage or readiness to act according to the answer we already have. Your intuition will not compete for airtime with your ego, which is ruled by fear. So it will often be the stable, solid, subtle knowing that is always there, just below the surface. The more you live according to your intuition, the louder your intuition will become. Your logical mind is ruled by a very limited perspective where as your intuition is ruled by an objective perspective. Analyzing your choices, often paralyzes you instead of helps you to make decisions. And often no matter how much information you have, making a decision does not get any easier. No matter what, your intuition will never lead you in the wrong direction. But know that the eternal soul has no intention to avoid pain. What it is after is expansion. And so, it often leads us to a learning experience that will provide us with the most expansion and growth. Sometimes this will feel amazing. Sometimes, this will feel like pain. But pain is often the greatest teacher and pushes us to become so much more. So ask yourself, “Is my goal to avoid pain, or is my goal to experience the things that I am wanting?” They are very different things. Also, if you struggle with intuition, you struggle with self-trust. For this reason, it is a good idea to watch my video on YouTube titled: “How to Trust Yourself.”
8. Flip a coin. If you simply must make a decision, you can flip a coin to make the decision and one of two things will happen. Either you will end the stalemate and move forward in the direction that the universe has decided for you, or by flipping the coin, you will become aware of which choice you truly wanted to make and then you can make that decision you are now aware you want to make.
After having outlined my suggestions for dealing with indecision, I could not fail to mention that when we think we have to make a decision between two options, it is often because we are inhibited and limited by our own perspective. If you get outside the box, you will find that almost always, there is a third option or more. So, when you feel trapped between two extremes, practice the art of thinking outside the box and looking for this third option. It is often a blend of the best of both options.
Once you make a decision, do everything you can do to find alignment with the decision you have made. As a creator, do not waste any energy doubting or second-guessing the decision you made. Do everything you can do to find ways to feel good about the choice you made and you will experience joy as a result of consciously allowing yourself to flow with the current of your own expansion. And remember, you cannot make a wrong choice.
There are beliefs that are surface beliefs, such as “black people are angry” “kids should clean their rooms”, “I have to keep my job”, “Women are flaky.” Etc. These kinds of thoughts are like branches of a tree. Each one of them is the byproduct of a deeper, core belief. The core belief is like the root of a tree. Core beliefs are the building blocks of the life we are living. They are the source from with everything grows and most importantly, they are the very source of how we see ourselves and how we see the universe we live in. They are both the root of the joy and the root of the suffering in our lives. Some examples of core beliefs are: “I am unlovable”, “I will be hurt if I get close to someone” or “There is no point to life”. Core beliefs can be positive or negative. But for the sake of this episode, I’m going to focus on negative core beliefs because they are the ones that are not working for us. Core beliefs are mostly subconscious. They are the result of impactful childhood experiences and most of them develop over time. And once we develop these beliefs and gather more proof of their accuracy, they become un-flexible. We tend to only notice evidence that supports them and ignore evidence that contradicts them. We think these beliefs so often that they become subconscious. They become a part of the human shadow. Most of the core beliefs we have, we are totally unaware of. This is why core beliefs are a big part of shadow work. To understand more about shadow work, watch my video on YouTube titled: “What is Shadow Work?”
That being said, we can find and become aware of our core beliefs. The first step is that we have to notice the events that are making us upset. If you have become upset, you have been set up by the universe to discover something that is hidden in the subconscious mind… including core beliefs. When we notice this upset, we sit down and begin to repetitively question the upsetting situation with two specific questions, gradually whittling down our thoughts until we arrive at the true source of our upset. The two questions that we ask are:
1) If that is 100% true, why is that so bad? 2) What does that mean to me or mean about me? So lets say that you notice that you become upset because you get home and the house is a total and complete mess. You begin with the most surface thought you can find which in this case would be the judgment:
Thought: “The house is a mess” Questions: If that is 100% true, why is that so bad and/or what does that mean to me or mean about me? Answer: It means I live in a pig sty. Questions: If that is 100% true, why is that so bad and/or what does that mean to me or mean about me? Answer: It means no one respects my house Question: If that is 100% true, why is that so bad and/or what does that mean to me or mean about me? Answer: I’m getting used by people. Question: If that is 100% true, why is that so bad and/or what does that mean to me or mean about me? Answer: No one cares about how I feel. Question: If that is 100% true, why is that so bad and/or what does that mean to me or mean about me? Answer: Its inevitable that I’m going to be hurt by people. Question: If that is 100% true, why is that so bad and/or what does that mean to me or mean about me? Answer: Suffering is the purpose of life. Question: If that is 100% true, why is that so bad and/or what does that mean to me or mean about me? Answer: Life is a punishment. Question: If that is 100% true, why is that so bad and/or what does that mean to me or mean about me? Answer: It means I’m bad. Question: If that is 100% true, why is that so bad and/or what does that mean to me or mean about me? Answer: I’ll be unloved. Question: If that is 100% true, why is that so bad and/or what does that mean to me or mean about me? Answer: I’m all alone.
“I’m all alone” is the core belief in this above scenario. So ironically, the reason that we got upset when we came home and saw that the house was a mess is that it instantly triggered the belief and all the memories associated with that belief that “I am all alone”.
Beware of “cop outs” or “justifications” during the process of finding a core belief. We have the tendency, especially when we are just about to reach the core belief, of veering in the opposite direction of digging deeper and justifying why we are right to think what the thought we just presented. For example, if someone said “Suffering is the purpose of life” and they asked themselves “If that is 100% true, why is that so bad and/or what does that mean to me or mean about me?” The truthful answer might be, “It means Life is a punishment”. A “cop out” answer or a “justification” might be, “Suffering shouldn’t be the purpose of life.” When we are finding core beliefs, we always need to be willing to admit to a belief that is a bit more painful and a bit more painful than the one before, rather than trying to bypass the pain by justifying why a less painful belief is correct. We can apply this process of questioning to any judgment or negative thought that we have. You will be absolutely blown away at the real reason behind why certain things upset you. Often we find multiple beliefs that would benefit by being questioned in one core belief finding process. For example, in the above scenario, the belief “no one cares how I feel” and the belief “I am bad” would benefit by being questioned and changed.
Once we find the core belief or multiple beliefs that are fueling our upset, we can question those beliefs. My favorite process for questioning a belief is a process called “The Work” by Byron Katie. So look up “The Work” and try it out for yourself. The next thing we can do is to change the belief. To find out how to change a belief, watch my video on YouTube titled “How to Change a Belief”. We need to begin consciously challenging these beliefs and looking for proof that they are not true. We also need to use these core beliefs to determine what we would rather believe. So once you find a core belief, ask yourself “What would I rather believe?” And begin looking for proof that this new belief is true. Read and watch and seek out any material that supports this new belief. As you go about your daily life, ask yourself “what would I do right now if I believed this new belief with all my heart? And do those things. With enough focus, you will manifest more proof that the new belief is true and the belief will become stronger and stronger until it has completely replaced the old core belief.
Most of us struggle for years against beliefs that have been deeply rooted in our being. We do everything we can think of to try to resist and fight against the beliefs when all we really need to do is sit down and directly pull these roots up so we can see them clearly and then replace them. It may be a bit time consuming, but look at it this way… you have the choice to struggle against them every day of your busy life or to take an hour or two of your time and focus specifically on doing the work necessary to alter them for good so you no longer have to struggle against them.
Just what is the Emotional Dark Age? It is the age of ignorance relative to emotions. Most people on earth do not understand emotions; they are not terribly conscious of them, they do not know what function they serve, they do not know what to do with them. This is a serious problem considering that emotions are the very basis of every person’s life experience.
There are many awakenings that must occur relative to our understanding of emotions but today; I’m going to trigger a specific one of these awakenings because it is at the very core of our adult dysfunction. I like to call this particular aspect of emotional ignorance, “The Great Epidemic” because it quite literally is. It is an epidemic that is responsible for more chronic unhappiness and suicide than all other causes combined.
Many of you who are reading this article, are aware of emotional abuse. Things like deliberate threatening, shaming, humiliating, exploiting, and isolating to name a few. But there is another form of emotional abuse that goes on between people, which is harder to recognize. And it leaves even deeper scars. It is this form of abuse that is today’s epidemic and it is called ‘Emotional Neglect’. The best way to understand emotional neglect is this: Instead of trauma caused by what IS done, it is trauma caused by what IS NOT done. Keep in mind that the traditional expressions of emotional abuse can go hand in hand with emotional neglect. But a person can still emotionally neglect another person without overtly emotionally abusing them in the traditional sense. Emotional neglect begins in childhood, so childhood is where we shall begin; but not until we examine the life of a person who has suffered emotional neglect in their childhood. One such person who suffered emotional neglect in childhood is Mary. Mary has a very successful job at a law firm. She came from a small little town in Colorado. She was the last of three children. When Mary looks back at her life, she had what anyone would consider to be a good childhood. Her family was financially successful, she never wanted for anything. Her parents (who are still married to this day) never argued. They had low tolerance for negativity of any kind. When any of the children would whine or complain or cry, they were promptly sent to their rooms. So Mary is confused about why she is the way that she is. She is confused about why she goes to bars on the weekends and drinks until she blacks out. She is confused about why she cannot seem to create a successful relationship with a man. She is confused about why she often fantasizes about suicide. You may be confused as well, but lets look at Mary’s life under the lens of emotional neglect.
It is a parent’s responsibility to be attuned to the needs of their child. It is obvious that one should be attuned to a child’s need for food, shelter, water, clothing, cleaning etc. But what about emotional needs? Chances are when I just said “what about emotional needs?”, you just thought to yourself, “what are emotional needs?” If that doesn’t tell you just how deep in the Dark Age we are, I don’t know what does. That being said, we all have emotional needs. And children have emotional needs and when these needs aren’t met, we end up empty. To understand more about emptiness, you can watch my YouTube video titled “Emptiness, How to Stop Feeling Empty” When a parent does not meet their child’s emotional needs, the parent is essentially invalidating the importance of their child in their life. This child does not feel seen, heard or felt. There is no intimacy in the relationship and so this child lacks the knowledge about how to form intimate relationships. When a child is shamed for having emotional needs and wanting to have them met by the parent, the message the child receives is… There is something fundamentally wrong and unlovable about me. This child grows up being completely blind to his or her own emotional needs as well as being very afraid of his or her own emotions.
It is a parent’s job to establish emotional connection with their child, to give the necessary undivided attention to their child, seeing them as a unique, separate individual who has a right to feel the way they feel and to use this emotional connection and attention to respond to the emotional need their child is currently displaying. This can sound like a tall order if you, yourself have never experienced someone being emotionally attentive to you. But it is my promise that you can learn.
Looking now at Mary’s childhood scenario, we can see clearly that though meaning well, for the sake of keeping a peaceful household, Mary’s parents trained their children that if they were thinking or feeling anything negative, they had better keep it to themselves. Negative emotion was bad and not to be tolerated. Every time Mary had these feelings, she would feel ashamed of them. She would isolate herself and not let anyone else see them. She would try to escape them by drinking. And she was so intent on hiding this shameful aspect of herself (believing that if anyone saw this side of her that felt bad, they would abandon her) that she never got past the third date with a man. She was lonely and regardless of whether or not Mary’s parents did actually love her, she did not feel loved as a child. Remember that we can know a parent loves us without feeling that a parent loves us. Long story short, Mary felt isolated from the world. Like she was on the outside looking in and like no one knew her really. And so, she often thought, “What is the point of being alive?” And one day, when Mary was feeling lonely enough, she did commit suicide. And no one saw it coming. It was a shock to everyone, because no one knew how much pain she was really in. Mary’s parents loved Mary and all their children. On the outside, their family life looked perfect and even enviable. They were simply completely unaware of the emotional needs of their children and unwittingly, as a result of not meeting those needs, taught Mary a few lessons that eventually led to her death. Most people who suffered emotional neglect, either keep their suffering entirely to themselves, or go from psychiatrist to psychologist trying desperately to figure out what is so wrong with them. Most are drowning in a sea of self-condemnation because they can’t see what it is that caused them to feel the way they feel. This is because emotional neglect is not what you see. It is what you don’t see. It is the encouragement that didn’t happen. It is the comforting that wasn’t given. It is the loving support that wasn’t offered. It is the loving words that were not said. It is the sense of belonging that was never granted. It is the understanding that was never reached for. Emotional neglect is so hard to recognize because you can’t see what isn’t there and so you can’t remember what isn’t there and until you see what could have been there, you wont even know something was missing. All parents at this point in history will emotionally fail their children at certain times. And the more aware you become of the emotional neglect in your own childhood, the more obvious it will be when you emotionally fail your own child. But it isn’t the occasional failure that corrodes the foundation of a person’s life enough to make their adulthood crumble. It is the chronic failure to meet a child’s emotional needs. And why is this an epidemic? Because it is rampant like a disease and emotional neglect is passed from generation to generation to generation and each generation is completely unaware of it… until someone becomes conscious of it.
If your emotional needs were not met in childhood, you will have a difficult time meeting them as an adult. This is why emotional neglect is a major cause of unhealthy codependency. Now before you let yourself off the hook by saying “I’m not codependent, I’m the most independent person I know, I must not have been emotionally neglected”, let me remind you that independent people often have the most difficult time meeting their needs for closeness with others and intimacy and support.
There are many, many symptoms of emotional neglect. But here is a list of some common things that are likely to occur in adulthood if you have suffered from emotional neglect in childhood: Feeling like you do not belong Feeling chronic shame Feeling an insatiable sense of Emptiness Difficulty asking for help Chronically unhappy relationships or the inability to form lasting relationships You are wither too dependent on others or pride yourself on being completely independent. The feeling that you are a fraud Feeling either like you are safer alone or that you absolutely cannot stand being alone Judging yourself more harshly than you judge others Having a hard time figuring out what you are feeling Feeling like you are on the outside of life looking in Suicidal feelings or thoughts Difficulty calming yourself or self-soothing Feeling a great deal of self blame or self hatred Feeling as if something in you is defective or unlovable… there’s something wrong with me Feeling wither like you are too self disciplined or that you struggle with self-discipline and are lazy. Having difficulty nurturing others or providing adequate affection You feel unhappy for no obvious reason
If you suspect that you were emotionally neglected as a child, I implore you to watch my video on YouTube titled: “Meet Your Needs”. Once you discover what your emotional needs are, it is easier to see how those needs were not met in childhood and this will tip you off to the kind of emotional neglect you suffered in childhood. Learning how to self-care and also how to let others care for you… how to meet your needs and also hoe to let others meet your needs, is a critical part of healing from emotional neglect.
Also, it might be enlightening for you to do a little research on your own time about emotional neglect and about the many different family dynamics and circumstances that are emotionally neglectful. You may just finally be able to connect the dots between what you experienced (or should I say didn’t get to experience) and why you feel the way you feel.
If you have suffered from emotional neglect, you need not despair. With some deliberate focus, you can learn how to emotionally be there for yourself and others and you can learn how to let others be there for you. The first step is diving head first into the art of emotional awareness. Develop your emotional intelligence. Start to become aware of how you feel. Learn as much as you can about emotions, their purpose and what to do with them. If you feel you want some assistance in doing this, seek out a Somatic therapist or a Hakomi therapist in your area. You also may want to watch my YouTube videos titled, “Positively Embrace your Negative Emotions”, “How to Express Emotion” and “How to Heal the Emotional Body”.
Next, you need to learn about emotions and relationships, most especially how to deal with other people’s emotions. If we want to end the epidemic of emotional neglect in our society, we must learn how to treat emotions and how to meet our own emotional needs as well as each other’s emotional needs. For this reason, it’s a good idea to Watch my video on YouTube titled: “Emotional Wake Up Call”. Since emotional neglect affects our ability to be authentic and our ability to be intimate with others, learning how to be authentic and intimate with others is also a key ingredient for healing from emotional neglect. Keep in mind that true intimacy has nothing to do with sex. True intimacy is to see and feel and listen into another person and to be truly seen, felt and heard by them. In this universe, there is only the presence of something and the lack of that very same something. This is the true polarity that exists. So one could say that darkness does not exist, only the lack of light. Lack is the furthest vibration you can get from the vibration of source or what many call god. And so, the most painful thing you can experience in your waking life is in fact lack. More damage can be caused to you by what is not done than can be caused to you by what is done. And so it is with emotional neglect. It is my desire that by becoming aware of this human epidemic, we can collectively shift our focus in the direction of emotional awareness and learn to meet the emotional needs of our children, ourselves and each other. May you live long enough to see what becomes of the world on the day that we succeed in this.
To start, I want you to do away with the idea of constructive criticism. The word criticism has been tainted anyway in the mind of the collective consciousness. And there is no such thing as constructive criticism. Criticism challenges our sense of value. And when our sense of value is threatened, a part of our brain that is cued into social survival is triggered. Criticism can literally feel like a threat to your survival. But we need feedback. Our growth and awareness is dependent on it. So I want you to think of feedback as belonging to two distinct camps. The first is criticism. The second is sharing your individual and honest perspective or experience. Giving criticism is much different than sharing your honest perspective because it is given with little to no regard about whether the person on the other end is receptive. It is often done in a state of reactivity, when we are in a state of defense. The intention behind it has almost nothing to do with the person receiving the criticism, and almost everything to do with the person giving it. Any time we provide feedback with the goal of getting someone to better meet our needs, rather than being responsive to theirs, it’s unlikely to produce our desired outcome and will most likely produce an undesired outcome. For example, a dance teacher might critique a performance of a young dancer with the intention of helping the dancer to excel. In this scenario, the opinion could be said to be more helpful than harmful. If however, the dance teacher critiques a performance of a young dancer with intention of preventing herself from embarrassment and maintaining her own prestige by making the young dancer correct the flaws in her routine, the criticism could be said to be more harmful.
There is a caveat I must insert here. We cannot say that you should absolutely never offer your opinion if you are doing so out of your own self interests or if the opinion was not asked for. For example, if you are someone’s boss in a work environment, you cannot afford to take this approach with regards to your employees. But we should be aware enough that we are acting in our own best interests so that we can make a conscious decision about whether or not sharing our opinion is in fact in alignment with the highest good in the scenario we find ourselves in and if it is, how to deliver the opinion that is in our own best interest and not solicited. Intention is everything when it comes to criticism and sharing our opinion. We have to be aware of why we feel the need to share our opinion. And even if we have good intentions, we still must ask ourselves if despite good intentions, we are harming the other person with our critique. I can help you to understand the key difference between criticism and sharing an honest perspective in this way: The prerogative with negative criticism is to try to push something unwanted away from you, that is why it feels so resistant in nature. In the above scenario, the dance teacher was using criticism as her way of trying to push away the possibility that she could be humiliated by her dancer during a performance, by making her correct her routine. On the other hand, the sharing of a perspective is given in a way that the person giving the critique is not thinking about what he or she wants or does not want as much as she or he is quite literally just sharing an honest perspective or experience that was invited in some way. It has a much more neutral feel to it.
To have a perspective at all, you must judge. To even call a clock a clock is to judge it as a clock and thus restrict its potential energy to that of a clock. We judge. That’s what people do. And judgment, like any tool can be beneficial to you or harmful to you depending on when and how it is used. We all have a perspective about each other. If you have an opinion, you have judged. Good luck trying to not have an opinion. It defies life. It is the flexibility or openness of the opinion that makes the opinion either more painful or less painful. And it is our perspectives and individual preferences that fuel universal expansion. Hearing other people’s honest perspectives can be very beneficial to our growth and to the expansion of the universe. A great many people in the spiritual field try to get rid of all judgment in themselves. I think this is neither beneficial nor possible. Noticing and changing your painful judgments (the ones that seek to push something away from you) as well as developing a flexibility in your perspective however, IS beneficial. What we must first understand is that it is painful to negatively judge and disapprove of something for both the giver of the criticism and the receiver. In giving a negative criticism, we must match the frequency of the criticism that we are giving and so we hold ourselves as well as the receiver in a low vibrational chokehold of sorts. This is what we do when we try t push away anything in a universe based on the law of attraction… we do nothing but vibrationally join the thing we are pushing against. It becomes included in our vibration. This is why many teachers will tell you to just not give any negative criticism and instead adopt the policy that “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But this is neither practical nor useful and it puts a muzzle on a part of you that very much so needs your attention and care. Becoming aware of our own judgments opens the door for growth and sharing our honest opinion or experience, even if that opinion or experience is not positive provides others the opportunity for growth. People, who struggle chronically with being criticized, struggle with self esteem and self love. The universe mirrors to them their own negative self-appraisal. For this reason, if you struggle with being criticized, watch my video on YouTube Titled “How to Develop Self Worth” also, you could read the book I wrote titled” Shadows Before Dawn, finding the light of self love through your darkest times”.
People who chronically criticize (yes, we know who we are, let’s just admit to it) struggle with chronic fear. We are only critical of something when we are afraid we will be affected by something. Criticism is a cry for help in disguise. It is a cry for help that says the following… “I feel powerless to others and so I can’t trust myself to make myself feel good and especially to feel emotionally safe and so I need you to correct this thing that is going to cause me pain so I don’t have to feel bad.”
What we need to learn to ask ourselves if we have the tendency to criticize is: What am I so afraid of? And What do I want to have happen as a result of this criticism? We would not give criticism if we did not have something we were afraid of and something in mind for what we would prefer. We need to learn to ask for these things directly instead of manipulate others by criticizing them. For this reason, it is a good idea to watch my video on YouTube titled “Meet your needs”. Also, many of us who criticize, have a very hard time being honest with ourselves and are instead prone to denial of our true motives and justification. For this reason, we would do well to take our judgments or negative appraisals of others and find the core beliefs that are below them. For this reason, watch my YouTube video titled: “How to Find a Core Belief.”
When we have the tendency to criticize because we are trying to get a need met, we mask our criticism under the guise of help. We then get angry when our criticism isn’t received well. The idea of constructive criticism has allowed us to do this for years. For example, we might have a need to feel good about ourselves and so we get that need in a round about way by using criticism to de-value someone and then we call it helpful, when all it was, was us trying to get what we needed by delivering the criticism. Another example is that a mother could criticize her daughter for being fat, not realizing that what she is hoping is that her daughter will start exercising and lose weight so she can feel good about herself as a mother. She could say this is constructive criticism because it is for her daughter’s own good, when it is really just her trying to get her need for approval from others met. So beware the excuse and mask of constrictive criticism. Once you perceive a green light to deliver your honest perspective and you know it is not coming from the place of wishing to defend yourself and your own interests, how you do so is important. The more the person you are criticizing feels compelled to defend their value, the less capable they are of absorbing what they are hearing. Many people, whose perspectives are not well received, find themselves in that position because they deliver their opinion without establishing any rapport. What I mean by this is, there’s no suggestion of caring for the other person or of empathy and compassion. It is too blunt or too harsh. Empathy can easily be demonstrated by softening the delivery of a perspective. For example, you could say “you’re doing it all wrong” or you could say, “You may want to consider changing your approach”. Another example is you could say “You lost track of all the numbers I needed on this sheet” or you could say, “I noticed there are some numbers missing, can you tell me why?” Softening your delivery does wonders for being received well. And it is still honest. It is simply honesty backed by caring compassion for how another person feels. And let’s face it; we want other people to care about us when they deliver us a perspective that is unfavorable. So we should quite literally be addressing them like we would wish to be addressed. Keeping in mind that some people are more sensitive than others.
You’ve all heard of the technique of organizing statements like criticisms into “I statements” before delivering messages to people. So the statement “You are lazy” should be turned to “ I feel like you’re being lazy.” You’ve heard of it because it works. Instead of blaming and shaming and labeling, it forces us to own our perspective and take responsibility for our perspectives and most especially own how we feel, which minimizes other peoples defenses. Another good tool to use is to relate to someone as you’re delivering a negative opinion about their behavior or creation. This builds rapport. If you are making them aware of a mistake they have made, you may wish to share a story of you having made a similar mistake in the past. Another technique you can use is to place two compliments on either side of a negative appraisal. In social skills, they call this sandwiching. And try to end the conversation on a positive note so the other person feels a sense of the critique adding to their life instead of taking away from it. Yet another good thing to do is to try out your criticism on yourself. Close your eyes and pretend for a moment that you are standing in front of someone whose opinion mattered to you and whose opinion would make a real impact on you when given. How would you wish them to word this very same opinion if it was their opinion so it did not hurt you and instead conveyed care for you? Then word it like that to the other person instead. Pay attention to internal criticism. People, who harshly criticize others, are like terrorists to themselves. So listen to the little voice within you, the one that is always feeding you an endless commentary about you and your life. Is it harsh and critical and unforgiving? If so, becoming aware of the pain that internal critique causes you and consciously offering love and compassion to that critical inner voice (that is in truth a very frightened aspect of you) and altering your internal commentary to be softer and more loving will cause you to become softer and more caring with others. Learn to recognize receptivity and invite. Sometimes it’s easy because the circumstance you entered into, you entered into with the understanding that you would be either giving or receiving critique. But when this isn’t the case, choose the right time and place and be aware that there are many subtle social cues (besides just being told flat our that they want your opinion) that can tip you off to the fact that a person actually wants your honest opinion. Beware though that a person can be fishing for approval instead of wanting an honest appraisal. But when in doubt, ASK them if they want to hear your perspective and honor the answer that they give. Chances are that if the other person hasn’t demonstrated a receptivity or invitation of your perspective, you are wanting to provide it because of your own interests and not theirs.
Before you share your negative opinion, remember this cardinal rule: Seek to understand rather than to make a statement. If we’ve already determined the other person is wrong, we have closed the door on them energetically. The mistake we make is to assume that we’re right about whatever opinion we’re inclined to say. We cannot find a meeting of minds and we cannot establish connection with someone if we are rigid in our viewpoint to the degree that we are unwilling to understand theirs. Our truths and perspectives are an interpretation, as all perspective are. Offer your opinion as the beginning of the journey of discussion instead of the end. Adopt an attitude of curiosity instead of certainty. Also, a great many criticisms that are given, are dripping with projection. For this reason, I encourage you to watch my video on YouTube titled: “Projection, (understanding the psychology of projecting)”. Sharing a perspective can be the thing that imprisons someone, or the thing that sets them free. It can also be the thing that imprisons us or sets us free. And it is not an exact science. Remain open enough to questioning yourself about whether or not it is in alignment with the highest good. And beware that the reactivity that spirals us into criticism, is always a byproduct of trauma we have suffered. It is indicative of the ways that we have been hurt. If we tend to that hurt, we will be less reactive and so we will become less critical. Our opinions will be wanted by others and received well by others.
A very, very long time ago, man became consciously aware of thought. Man noticed that there were two perspectives inherent within him/her. There was the direct experiencing of the world and there was the observation of the experiencing. Mankind began to call the direct experiencer the body or ego and the observer of the experience the soul or consciousness. And just like that, spiritual practice was born. The body will die, but the soul lives on. In the most ancient spiritual traditions all around the globe, one of the very first spiritual practices was the practice of becoming aware of the observer (the souls’ perspective). In fact, you’d be hard pressed to find one spiritual tradition that does not include some form of spiritual practice that involves becoming aware of the observer self. That is because it works. It has worked for centuries and it still works today. In order to understand what I mean by the ‘observer self’, consider that when you have an experience; say you’re in the middle of a disagreement with someone, you can be completely in the experience where you are fully immersed in the feelings of anger and the thoughts about the experience (thoughts like “you’re such an idiot”) are very real. But you could conversely be observing the argument and your reactions to the argument. When you do this, instead of being fully immersed in 1st person perspective in the argument and being the anger or the thoughts, you could simply watch them as if from 3rd person perspective. When you do this, you are not fully immersed in the experience. You are watching yourself being immersed in the experience instead. This is a practice in detachment. Detachment from what is occurring (which is different than escapism), can allow us to remain fully conscious so that we may chose to respond instead of react to situations that occur. It also helps allows us to transcend the limited perspective of the direct experience so that we are more objective instead of subjective relative to our life experiences. I will tell you that when people seek to spend all their time in this objective perspective, it is not a sign of enlightenment. It is because they have resistance to the subjective experience. They are afraid to fully feel. But that being said, it is a very important skill to develop, because people, who spend all their time in the subjective perspective, do not have awareness of themselves from an objective point of view. They are cut off from the conscious awareness of their own consciousness and divinity. So in my opinion, we should develop both skills so that we can choose which perspective to take on. Seeing as how most people are already adept at the 1st person perspective of the subjective way of living, the thing that must be practiced is the third person, objective way of living. They must learn to become the observer. The best way to do this is to add a mindfulness meditation to your repertoire. To do this meditation, find a comfortable space and watch your breath. You want to go into meditation the same way each time if you can. This becomes a positive trigger for your mind to focus down to business. If you were to use the observation of your breath every time for example, your mind will form an association between watching the breath and meditation and so it will slow itself and change it’s frequency quickly like a conditioned response. After a time, I want you to focus and become awake to the present moment by beginning to simply observe your external reality and begin to label things as you observe them. For example, if I hear the highway in the distance, I might internally say to myself “Hearing the highway”. If I smell grass, I might say “Smelling grass”. If I feel a pain in my arm, I might say “Feeling pain in the arm”. My objective is just to notice.
Then, I turn my concentration to my own thoughts. My objective is simply to watch my thoughts, to become aware of them. I do not need to change them. I am not judging them as good or bad. I am simply noticing them and labeling them. For example, if I notice myself thinking, “This is stupid” I might say, “Thinking a negative thought”. If I notice myself thinking, “This feels so good “ I might say “Thinking a Positive thought”. Or I can label what kind of thinking it is that I am observing. For example, if I notice myself think, “He’s such an idiot” I might say, “Judgment” or “Blaming”. I want to remain dis-identified with the thoughts themselves and simply watch them pop up and name them for what they are. Doing this affirms the idea that “I see you” to our Ego self. Then, after a time, switch your concentration to your internal world. Again, simply observe this internal reality and being to label things as you observe them. I can pay attention to sensations for example “burning in the solar plexus” or “tingling in the fingers” or “tightness in the forehead”. I may also notice emotions. I can label these as well. For example I can say “anger” or “despair” or “joy”.
If you watch your mind wander during this exercise, that is ok, you can observe that too. Just say, “mind wandering” and bring your attention back to what you were focused on before. You can maintain this exercise for as long as you want. And when you are ready, you can bring your attention back to the breath and observe the in breath and out breath for a time until you are ready to come back to subjective reality. Even though you can maintain this mindfulness practice for as long as you want, I suggest beginning with ten minutes and then, when you are comfortable with that amount of mindfulness; you can extend the time for as long as you want. It is hard for a mind that is not practiced at mindfulness meditation to remain focused for longer than ten minutes to begin with. The aim is to no longer be identified with the things you’re experiencing, the thoughts you are thinking, or the emotions you are feeling for a time. You’re just observing them and letting them be there. You want to experience the relief of being outside your subjective experience instead of immersed in it. In the future, your mindfulness practice can take place in silence. By silence I mean no talking inside with the mind and no talking outside with the mouth…. No commentary, just observing in a state of non-judgment; just noticing everything that is occurring or being perceived in your now.
What you will notice is that just like working a muscle, you will begin to become more objective in your every day perspective. Your level of mindfulness will increase. Your ability to observe will be honed, like a skill that you can use any time you wish. It will start to be easy to be mindful not just in meditation but even in your day-to-day life. It is particularly helpful when you are in the midst of a conflict to be able to become mindful enough to be objective about whatever you are experiencing. It allows you to be conscious about the choices you are making and the ways you are responding to your life, to yourself and to others. By becoming mindful, you ensure that you are not just sleep walking through like, you are awake to life. You can see life through the eyes of your ego and also through the eyes of your eternal self.
We spend our lives trying to keep everyone happy, trying to be nice, trying to conform and fit in, trying to pacify everyone and trying not to rock the boat. The result is, we are secretly deeply unhappy. We spend our lives trying to avoid what we don’t want to have happen, instead of living according to our own sense of what we do want and the individual values we do hold. We lose our integrity in the name of trying to keep other people happy. The result of losing integrity is that our self worth plummets. We can’t live out of alignment with our own personal sense of integrity and feel good about ourselves at the same time. To not feel good about ourselves is a problem when we have to live inside our own skin everyday.
How does this fear of conflict begin? Like everything… It begins in our earliest years on the planet. In the ideal family, each member of the family is loved and accepted for who he or she uniquely is. To use a metaphor, the family is regarded like an Indian curry dish. Each unique flavor that goes into the dish is thought to enhance the dish. So the coriander does not want to convince the pepper to become coriander and the ginger does not want to convince the cumin to become ginger because it is the differences between the flavors that when combined, makes for the beauty of the dish. In this kind of household, differences are acceptable. In many families however, especially in families where parents seek to be validated through their children, difference is not acceptable. When a child in this kind of home tries to express his or her differences, they are shamed, criticized, withdrawn from or likewise punished. They are met with disapproval instead of acceptance and thus the child stands to lose love as a result of being different. These families usually revolve around one dominant or even narcissistic adult, an adult who makes his or her happiness or lack thereof the direct responsibility of everyone else. If this kind of family was an Indian curry dish, the most dominant flavor in the dish, say ginger, would be trying to turn every other flavor into ginger and there would be consequences to not becoming ginger. Consequences like shaming and even getting kicked out of the dish completely. So if we grew up in this kind of household we develop a fear of opposition of any kind. We have learned there are serious consequences for non-conformity. We experience a traumatic reaction any time there is conflict of any kind.
In relationships, if we have a conflict, this is considered a rupture in the relationship. And when we find a way to come back together and heal the rupture after it happens, that is called repair. Ruptures are inevitable in relationships. There are going to be those times in any relationship when we just don’t see eye to eye or we mistakenly say something that upsets the other person. What really matters in relationships is not our ability to avoid rupture, it is our ability to create repair once rupture has happened. This is what gives us a sense of relationship security. If we fear conflict, we have had limited experience with relationship repair. Most often what we see is that one parent in our childhood or both, were unconcerned with creating repair in the relationship. When a rupture occurred, they did not seek to solve it with us. Love was a power struggle and so they expected us to be the ones to yield and create the repair we so desperately needed by conforming to something they were wanting from us. So we had no relationship security. We spend our lives trying to avoid the rupture in all of our relationships because we feel no security that if there is rupture, there will be repair. The security of the relationship and therefore our emotional safety was entirely at the mercy of our ability to never upset this parent. In adulthood, we panic whenever a conflict arises because we’re convinced there will be no repair to the relationship. So we begin to scurry around doing anything we can to pacify all parties involved. We think we are doing this for their benefit, when in fact; we are just doing this so we can guarantee our own emotional safety, inner peace and security.
If we are truly afraid of conflict, we will avoid 2 types of situations…
1. Conflict that involves people being upset at us specifically. This is scary because of the consequences we think are going to come as a result of it. Things like permanently losing connection, feeling bad about ourselves, losing love, or being emotionally or physically punished. Most of us who fear conflict are afraid that if someone disagrees with us, especially if they challenge us, it means they don’t like, love or approve of us. And since we are a social species that registers as a threat to our survival. 2. Conflict that doesn’t directly involve you but is between other people. This is scary because we feel we are being forced to side. And by doing so, put ourselves at risk of someone being upset at us specifically and thus experiencing the consequences we are afraid of if someone is upset with us specifically. This makes us feel emotionally unsafe whenever people are upset. And we cope by trying to avoid or escape the situation.
Conflict is inevitable in life. We are all living our lives through individual perspectives and so we experience differences in opinions, experiences, preferences and ways to deal with situations. So, what we find is that we cannot avoid conflict and in fact whenever we try to avoid it, we end up deeper in it. We attract people into our lives who seem to stir up conflict. This is of course the universe’s way trying to get us to face and heal our issue with conflict so we can live a more fulfilling life. But when we are tiptoeing around in life, trying to avoid conflict and can’t, we set ourselves up for failure. We cannot live a life of authenticity and integrity and we cannot experience relationships that are healthy. We lose all self-respect. We also lose the respect of others. We are ironically hurting ourselves for the sake of trying to stay emotionally safe. Also, a little known fact is that we are hurting other people by avoiding conflict. There are so many ways that we hurt other people by avoiding conflict, but I’m going to list just a few of the ways for you here. First, we are setting them up to be unhappy with us by misrepresenting ourselves. If our prerogative is to express who we genuinely are and what we genuinely think instead of to tell people what they want to hear, we will end up surrounded by the people who love us for who we are and who are happy being around us. If however, our prerogative is to tell people what they want to hear, we run the risk of people who love a façade and when we can’t keep up the façade, we will have deceived them potentially into being in relationships they would not have gotten into if they would have known our true preferences and opinions and feelings. When we avoid conflict, we avoid being real in relationships and so real love is not possible. We also fall prey to being very passive aggressive and there is hardly anything worse for people that to be with someone who is passive aggressive. Also, when we avoid conflict, we often make people feel abandoned. We leave them to deal with problems alone. We are like the person who runs the minute that war is declared, leaving them on the battlefield alone. We cannot remain present with the people in our lives. This is hardly loving behavior. There is also a little known pattern that we fall into with the people we love if we are afraid of conflict. It is the classic story of the ‘turn coat’. We sacrifice the people we love for the sake of avoiding conflict. Here’s how it goes… If we have someone in our life that we have been with long enough to experience a lot of rupture and repair, we now have a sense of emotional security with them. We know we run less of a risk of losing our connection with them. So, if that person in our life gets into a conflict with someone else, we will side with the opposition and throw our loved one under the bus so to speak because the opposition is the one we cannot guarantee that we are emotionally safe from yet. Yikes!! Our loved one that we do have emotional security with becomes a pawn we use to avoid consequences from others we don’t have emotional security with.
So, now that you understand what creates a fear of conflict, what are you supposed to do about it?
1. If you fear conflict, you have got to make a serious practice of developing healthy boundaries. Your boundaries are too weak. For this reason, I want you to watch my video titled: “How To Develop Healthy Boundaries”.
2. You’ve got to see that you are going to be emotionally uncomfortable no matter if you face the conflict or avoid it. This enables us to make the decision that is the most self-loving. There are serious costs to avoiding conflict that we are not making ourselves aware of yet. We need to see that by avoiding conflict we may be temporarily escaping the discomfort of being opposed to someone we want to be in coherence with and we will avoid our fears. But if we avoid the conflict, we will most likely end up in a situation that feels less than desired by us. We will spend our time complaining, feeling resentful, ruminating on what happened, and feeling bad about ourselves because we have abandoned ourselves or others and thus are aware that we are not living authentically and with integrity. So the question to ask ourselves is… “If there is going to be discomfort either way, is avoiding the conflict worth it?” 3. You need to begin to see conflict as an opportunity instead of as a disaster. Conflict is an opportunity to become clear about yourself and your values and beliefs and desires. Conflict is the perfect breeding ground for authenticity. Every time a conflict arises, we can see it as an alarm bell that tells us… Here is an opportunity to really know yourself. Contrast (which is really all conflict is) is the only way that we can gain clarity about anything. Without the comparative experience, we would have no understanding at all. Opposition or polarity enables us to gain understanding. When conflict arises, you need to use those conflicts to ask yourself… What do I really believe? What do I really want? Why did I really do this thing or say this thing? What do I really think in this situation? And beyond the understanding, it is also an opportunity to take action to line up with your integrity and by doing so, to give yourself the message “I am going to stand by my own personal truth”. Get ready for a boost of self-confidence and self-esteem because doing this greatly deepens and improves the relationship you have with yourself. It will lead to self-trust. On that note, because self-trust is such a struggle for those of us who have a fear of conflict, I want you to watch my YouTube video titled: “How To Trust Yourself”.
4. When you experience conflict, use the immediate fear or resistance you feel in your body as an alarm bell to alert you that you have been triggered. And now, you need to really become aware of what it is exactly that you are afraid of. The most obvious thing to ask yourself about fear of conflict in general is: “What would be so bad about upsetting someone?” You also need to become aware of what it is you are afraid of in the specific conflict and directly express that fear instead of running away from the conflict. For example, if someone tells you that you have to come with them to something you don’t want to go to and you are feeling the fear come up and are tempted to say yes just to avoid the conflict, ask to have a minute to decide. Then, use that minute to decide what you are afraid of about saying No. You might discover that the fear you feel is that if you say no, they will become disappointed and withdraw from you so you lose the connection. Then challenge yourself to express that truth directly. Like this: “I really don’t want to go, but I’m afraid that if I don’t go, you will be disappointed and withdraw from me.” This is an authentic expression so you are in a space of integrity and if the friend is worth having, they will respond to that honesty with something that will reassure you of the connection. They will not require you to abandon yourself for the sake of the relationship. The more reassured you are that the conflict will not lead to permanent rupture, the easier it will be to dive right in when conflict arises. And yes, I’m asking you to be brave enough to be vulnerable like that. 5. Develop empathy for people. We need to deliberately look for the vulnerabilities and fears of other people and see their pain in order for us to not take peoples reactions personally. If we avoid conflict, we tend to take everything personally. So when conflict arises, ask yourself, “How is this person hurting?” And meditate on that long enough to see below the surface of the conflict that is arising. 6. To get in touch with what is active in your subconscious mind, you can do a practice when you feel the fear of conflict arise, where you write a letter from your child self to your adult self. But the hand you dominantly write with is wired to your adult conscious mind. So you must use the hand you do not write with. Invite your inner child to arise within you and to hold the pen and to say what he or she needs to say. If you want, you can ask your inner child questions and the inner child can answer them. For example, if I ask “Why are you feeling so scared right now”? The inner child might say, “Because if they are mad at me, I will be put in my room all alone”. Becoming conscious of these suppressed fears can really enable us to be willing to consciously face conflict and see that we are being ruled by childhood fears that are irrational in our adulthood.
7. The avoidance of conflict is all about feeling emotionally unsafe. Instead of running around manipulating other people into be happy so you can feel emotionally safe; be brave enough to take the direct route to emotional safety. Repeat after me: It’s ok to want to be emotionally safe. So ask yourself “What would make me feel emotionally safe.” Survey your life and think of all the things that make you feel emotionally safe. Maybe it’s the reassurance that you’re not going to lose someone if you voice your opinion. Maybe it’s a comfort item you have around the house. Maybe it is being touched by someone. The point is that sometimes the very thing we need in order to be able to face conflict instead of to avoid it, is to ask ourselves or to have someone else ask us “What do I need in order to feel emotionally safe enough to face this conflict instead of avoid it? And repeat after me: I am not emotionally safe with myself if I keep sacrificing myself and compromising myself to keep other people feeling happy and pacified.
8. Get in touch with your feelings. If you struggle with conflict, you are not in touch with your emotions and honestly have not learned how to deal with emotions when they arise. This is especially true relative to conflict because your emotions were not dealt with adequately by the adults in your childhood experience. You do not yet understand that conflict does not have to be the frightening, destructive, explosive or aggressive situation you are picturing in your head. Your early social training was not supportive, it was punitive. For this reason, when you become emotional, you have no idea what to do with it and when other people become emotional, you have no idea what to do with it. In order to learn what to do with your own emotions and what to do with the emotions of others, I want you to watch two of my YouTube videos. 1. How To Heal The Emotional Body. 2. Emotional Wakeup Call. 9. Develop your communication skills. The easiest way to resolve conflict and to become confident about conflict is to become confident about your ability to communicate with others. Perhaps in the future I will do an episode on how to communicate. But until then, a simple tip is to ask as many questions as you can. Questions often result in quick resolution. Questions imply openness and so they do not inspire defense. Especially focus on questions that narrow down expectations. Many conflicts arise as a result of unmet expectations, differing needs or needs that were not met. If we can identify the needs that we have that were not met, we instantly have the opportunity to find resolution; we just have to figure out how to best meet those unmet needs. Now is the time to end the cycle of sabotaging yourself and others by spending your life in avoidance mode. When it comes to conflicts, time will not make it better. Sleeping on it will not make it better. Conflicts will not go away; in fact they will only fester. The more you face conflict, the less afraid you will feel of it. You will experience the good that comes as a result of it. You will experience relationship repair. Also, the better you will feel about yourself and the better your relationships will be because you will be learning how to be completely present with yourself and with others. By becoming comfortable with conflict, you will finally be able to stand by your own personal truth squarely enough that your life will reflect your authentic self and your life experience will become one that you really want to show up for every day. And it is more than possible, it is in fact how it is supposed to be, that instead of causing us to lose our connection with others, conflict can cause our connection with others to deepen and become even more secure.