You have heard many spiritual teachers (including myself) talk again and again about allowing. The state of allowing is perhaps the highest spiritual state to exist in. But what does it mean to be allowing? To be in a state of “allowing”, means to deliberately choose thoughts, words and actions that allow your desires to manifest in your reality. In order for you to allow your desires to manifest, your thoughts, words and actions must line up with your desires. For example, you can’t desire money and simultaneously think the thought “there isn’t enough money” and have money manifest in your experience because the thought of money and the thought of there isn’t enough money aren’t a vibrational match; they aren’t in alignment. We cannot be thinking a thought that feels emotionally negative to us and be in a state of allowing. We cannot take an action that feels emotionally negative to take and be in a state of allowing. And no amount of action that we ever take can make up for what we lack in thought. But is action a contradiction to allowing, or is action a key ingredient to allowing?
Most of us have the same picture in our minds when we think of allowing. For most of us, the picture we have is a person who is blissed out and meditating in a state of complete, passive surrender to the universe. We picture in our minds, a state of inactivity. We imagine that allowing means letting the universe live out our lives for us. We treat our lives as if we were chess pieces here to be played by the universe according to a pre determined game and we call it “destiny” or “purpose”. But this picture of allowing is a misunderstanding. The state of allowing is not a state of inaction; it is not a state of spiritual laziness and surrender. It is a state of deliberate focus and inspired action. You could think of the state of allowing as the state of total non-resistance. And the state of total non-resistance is not stagnant energy; it is forward moving energy. There is a saying in the spiritual community, “whatever happens is meant to happen”. And it is true that the way you know if something should be happening, is if it is happening, but we in the spiritual community use this saying to cop out of the responsibility of being the creators of our own lives. When we feel utterly powerless to our own lives, the thought, “whatever happens is meant to happen” is a comfort to us. It helps us to release resistance, but that there is the problem. Those of us, who live our lives according to this belief, often feel deep down that we are powerless to our own lives. We live our lives at the mercy of the universe, which is to forget that we are extensions of this universe. In essence, we use the passive surrender statement of “whatever happens is meant to happen” when we have given up. We have created so much resistance relative to our lives and we distrust our ability to create what we want to such a degree that giving up and turning it over to the universe feels like relief.
The entire reason you are here is because the universe at large knew that it would benefit by projecting itself, in the form of you into the physical dimension, which is the leading edge of expansion. Did you catch that? “Leading edge” means that you are the one leading the universe, not the other way around. You are the one telling the universe which direction you want your life to go, not the other way around. The universe is merely arranging your reality so that it is an exact mirror and match to your current thoughts. Whether you are thinking something negative or positive, you are telling the universe what to become and thus what your reality is to become. The universe is no more God than you are God. The universe is learning through your perspective and your desire what is right for you. The universe is not playing us like a chess game full of inanimate chess pieces. Instead, we are like animated chess pieces that tell the player (the universe) which direction we want to move and through that, the player (the universe) learns about itself. The chess player learns about itself through the chess pieces because the chess pieces are just a projection of itself. The chess pieces and the chess player are different manifestations of the exact same being. You did not come here so the universe could live your life for you. In fact, that would be the sure fire way to stop the expansion of this universe. When you spend your life turning your life over to the universe, there is no real point to living. It is as if there is a lull in the game because the universe can’t play the game when you don’t play the game. The universe keeps waiting for your move because it’s your turn and you keep waiting for its move because you think it is the universe’s turn. You wind up stuck. You are not giving the universe the energy or momentum to direct. It is important to remember something; you have to throw the ball for the universe to throw it back. Another important thing to remember is, the more balls you throw, the more chances that one of those is going to be a home run. When we are attached to the idea of needing one specific thing to pan out so we can meet our desire, we develop a lot of resistance because we fear that if it does not pan out, we will not achieve our desire. And so, we can’t stop worrying about it. Worry is resistance. And so, if we can instead throw energy towards many options, we will have less resistance and therefore we will be in a state of allowing towards our desire and thus, it will manifest much faster and easier. On a practical level, we can see this issue playing out amongst the demographic of people who play the lottery. If we become convinced that the only way we are going to make millions is if we win the lottery, we put all of our energy towards the lottery. But we also care so much about winning the lottery that we worry about the potential of not winning the lottery. And thus, we resist the very thing we desire; and because of it, we do not allow ourselves to create a situation in our lives where we do win the lottery. And what’s more than that, we disallow all other potential avenues for financial abundance to come into our experience. Via our beliefs, we have told the universe that the only way that money can come is via the lottery, which is the very venue that due to our worry, we are in resistance to. We cannot allow our own abundance when we are doing that. Instead, we limit ourselves. We are not throwing multiple balls to the universe, we are throwing one ball to the universe; and because of our own resistance, we are throwing it poorly. It is sort of like throwing a ball into a gale force wind. And thus, the chance of that ball becoming a home run is very low. Spiritual living and allowing does not mean a state of blissed out laziness. That very idea is a direct opposition to the truth that you are the creator of your reality. Action feels good; it feels good because you manifested physically specifically to act. The sweetness of the experience of taking action as the result of an inspiration is the reason we choose to come into the physical dimension again and again. And so, it must be said that sometimes the highest form of allowing is taking action. Passive surrender is not always the most allowing state. Passive surrender can be the result of disbelief and distrust in the self. It is all too often the indication that we are trying to cope with the feeling of being overwhelmed and powerless. We use the modality of passive surrender to escape the pressure of being in charge of a reality that we feel is out of our control. The time has come to ask yourself: Am I trying to let the universe live my life for me, or am I the one living my life? In order to be the one living your life, you must first deciding what you desire and then use inspiration to take action to move in the direction of that desire. The most allowing state to be in is not the state of surrender. The most allowing state to be in is the state of positive focus. And the second most allowing state to be in is the state of taking inspired action. To take inspired action, is to take action that is inspired by a positive emotion. This is opposed to an urged action, which is the byproduct of a negative emotion. Though urged action may feel like temporary relief, it will not yield positive results because it is caused by a negative emotion. The law of attraction, which is the most powerful law in the universe dictates that negative emotion can only be a match to negative action, which can only be a match to negative results. You can see this easily by examining the behavior of a heroin addict. When I am feeling afraid or powerless, I may feel the urge to shoot up heroin. The idea and action of shooting up heroin may feel like relief because it is an improvement from the feeling of powerlessness and fear. But it was still an action that was the result of powerlessness and fear and so, due to the law of attraction, only more powerlessness and fear can be the result of taking that action. On the other hand, if I was feeling afraid or powerless and I was to deliberately look for better and better feeling thoughts to think, (thoughts that in the thinking of them felt like relief) I would eventually find myself thinking a thought that felt emotionally positive and empowering to me. Maybe that positive thought would cause me to suddenly feel the inspiration to go on a hike in nature; and because that action was inspired from a positive thought that felt like empowerment, it would yield positive results that would only lead to more empowerment.
Living a spiritual life does not mean taking a back seat to God or a back seat to the universe. It means allowing yourself to work with the universe instead of against it; to work with yourself instead of against yourself. What is meant to happen is what you want to have happen! The universe will arrange all necessary conditions for you to achieve your desires and because the universe doesn’t have resistance, it will arrange those conditions the second you desire them. If anything other than what you think you want to have happen occurs, it is because of one of two things:
1. You yourself, are resisting what you desire with something you are thinking or believing.
2. You are in denial of what you truly desire, while you have been simultaneously subconsciously informing the universe of what you truly desire; and so the universe is responding to the deeper, stronger truth of what you really desire.
In either case, you are the one calling the shots. You cannot live your life without taking action. Learning to surrender and just “be” is valuable because it helps you to release resistance and re connect with the truth of who you are as a spiritual being in a quantum universe with no time, where the present moment is all that exists and it is perfect as it is. But to try to “just be” in the physical dimension is not possible. It is ended-ness. It means that you are not allowing yourself to be the creator that you came here to be. This is your life. Now live it.
Powerlessness is the cause of nearly all human suffering. But there must be a cause for this sense of powerlessness within the human race because powerlessness, is an emotion which is the reflection of a thought pattern. So what thought pattern is the real cause of all this powerlessness? Is it the thought “I don’t create my own reality”? The truth is, while this thought causes immense suffering, it is not the real core of the problem. The thought “I don’t create my own reality” would not cause suffering if we believed that whoever does create our reality, loved us and therefore would not make us suffer. The thought pattern that causes all this powerlessness is: "Pain is good for me". And this is a belief that nearly every human being on earth believes. Allow me to explain. Way back when, (too far to even trace back through history) a being forgot that the mind is what created reality. The physical dimension became too real; much more real than the mind. As a result, they could not understand why unwanted things were happening to them. Instead of feeling like a victim to their own mind, they felt like a victim (or like prey) to the external reflection of the mind; lets call this a physically manifested predator. The being felt powerless to their own reality, and began to think that whoever was in charge of their reality, was causing them to suffer. They began to think that the only way to ensure their own safety and happiness was to manipulate the external world so that they could be happy when they looked at the external world. For example, If I dig a physical hole deep enough, I will be safe or If I kill the predator I will be happy. This idea bred it’s way through species after species like an infectious disease, until most species on earth shared the belief that they didn’t have control over their realities, and the only control they do have is to take physical action to change the outside world. This belief became part of what it meant to be incarnated on planet earth. Since the beginning of time, humans have been trying to get other people to behave in a way that makes they, themselves feel good. Since the beginning of time, we have told the story that it is not ok to be selfish. Why? Because if we think we don’t create our own reality, it begins to really matter what other people do and don’t do. If they are acting in their own best interest instead of in our best interest, we have no control over feeling good or bad. And so we formed governments and religions to try to keep each other behaving in a way that would make each other feel better. Our happiness was dependent on other people. We glorified the idea of selflessness. But being selfless while being incarnated in an individual identity is impossible. So we began to lie to ourselves and to each other that it is possible to be selfless and that we are being selfless, even though it is in fact impossible. Fast-forward millions of years into the future until we arrive at your parents. When you were growing up, your parents (like everyone else) felt powerless to their own realities. They could not live with themselves if they thought of themselves as “selfish”. So they couldn’t admit that the reason they were doing things “for” you and wanted you to behave in certain ways was for them, not for you. They found a way to preserve their own self-concept. And the way was through feeding themselves as well as you with this belief: “It’s for your own good”. It’s for your own good, is a concept to cover all manner of evils. We are fed this lie from day one. Even those of us who grow up in the most loving households and fed this belief. We shoot our children up with painful vaccines and tell them it is for their own good. We make them sit through hours of lessons in the prison we call school and tell them it’s for their own good. We discipline them in ways that are painful to their minds and bodies and tell them that it is for their own good. We tell them that their desires are inappropriate and that they need to choose other desires and we tell them that it is for their own good. We cannot ever know what is best for someone else; it is impossible to know what is good for someone else. It is only possible to know what feels best for ourselves. And so, we are doing all of these things that we think we’re doing for the good of our children not for them, but for us. We think doing those things to them will make us feel better. But here in lies the problem. As children, we begin to believe that maybe our parents are right. Maybe it is for our own good. We think “they must know more about the world than I do, they are bigger than me and stronger than me and I am dependent on them for my survival”. We come to believe that something that causes us pain is for our own good and so we begin to believe that pleasure is bad for us and that pain is good for us. And this is the number one problem within the human race. We see pain as good. Our parents keep saying “I love you; I’m doing this for your own good” as they cause us pain so we start to believe that love is pain. We start to think that we can’t trust ourselves, that our internal, emotional guidance system is leading us astray; after all It’s telling us we feel joy when we are doing something mom says is bad for us and it’s telling us we feel pain when we are doing something mom is good for us. Eventually, we think something has gone wrong if we are experiencing ease or pleasure. We distrust our desires. We let go of the idea that happiness is important.
Philanthropy in the sense of selflessness is impossible. You cannot do something for someone else in this reality. You are locked into your own individual perspective, which was the entire point of coming into the one perspective of this one physical life on planet earth. We can show love or kindness to someone else, but when we trace the root back all the way, we find that the reason we want to show other people love and kindness or see them happy, is because it makes us feel happy to see them happy. If a mother takes a child to the doctor’s office deliberately to solicit the doctor to shoot her child up with vaccines, she does not do it for the child. She does it because it would make her feel bad to see her child dying of a disease. She thinks that injecting the child with vaccines will prevent her from experiencing that pain. In truth, she can not know how the child would or wouldn’t feel if they were to catch a disease, she can only know how it would make her feel to watch them be sick or how she would feel if she were sick. That is what she’s trying to avoid. We never really do anything for other people. We only ever do things because it makes us feel better to do them. This is perfect. It is perfect that we are all selfishly oriented beings because identification with our own joy, is what is causing our expansion and the expansion of the universe. The universe would not have it any other way. But if we are to lead happy lives here as members of the human race, we need to admit to the fact that we are only ever doing things for our own benefit. What’s more than that, we need to admit to the fact that everyone else is only doing things for their own benefit also. Because of this, we are the only ones who can have our best interests at heart. No one else can have our best interests at heart. The minute we believe that pain is love, that pain makes us good, and that therefore pain is good for us, we can’t let go of pain because we think it serves us. We become dedicated to perpetuating it and defending it within ourselves. We are convinced that if we let go of pain and go in the direction of pleasure, we will be a menace to society, we will be bad, we will be forsaken, and we will be unlovable. The belief that pain is good is compounded by our punishment reward mentality. The child is often rewarded for conforming to our idea of happiness, especially if it causes him or her pain to do so. The child is rewarded for undergoing pain. Think about it this way, If I want my child to do something they don’t want to do, something that will make them unhappy to do (which is to ask them to go against their own internal guidance system) because it would make me feel better for them to do it, I reward them with a lolly pop or something else. So they come to associate going against their own internal guidance system, going against their own emotions, and experiencing pain and struggle with reward. If we were rewarded for pain as children, we will grow up believing that we only deserve the reward if we suffer first. Because of this, we are a world full of self-abusers who can only justify being nice to ourselves if we’ve punished ourselves first. You’ve heard the expression “save for a rainy day”, well the problem is that we think we need the rainy day to justify letting ourselves have whatever we’ve been saving. We think saving is healthy, when a lot of the time we use it as a form of self-punishment; self-punishment in the form of self-deprival. We have created religions to mirror the belief that pain is good for us. Think of the story of Jesus. Most of the world religions teach you that life is supposed to be about struggle and being tested. They tell you that if you pass those tests by struggling and bearing the pain, you’ll be rewarded after death with heaven, Olam Ha-Ba, Baikuntha, Jannah or with enlightenment. Our human society glorifies those who have been the most out of alignment. It glorifies those who suffer. Watch the Olympics sometime; we glorify tragedy to triumph because we believe a person only deserves triumph if they have experienced tragedy. We suffer through grueling college courses for the degree. We suffer through careers we can’t stand for the reward of money and promotion. All the rewards, gold medals and memorials are awarded to and erected for those that have struggled the most.
You can tell a lot about culture, based on language, so take a look at all these common sayings:
No pain no gain
Good comes to those who wait
God hates a quitter
Save for a rainy day
Enlightenment comes from suffering
You can only taste of the fruit of your labors
A man will eat by the sweat of his brow
Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do, its just part of living
Pain makes you stronger
God never said it would be easy, but he did say it would be worth it
Life is not supposed to be easy
Nothing that’s worth having, comes easy.
It’s time to stop the cycle. Close your eyes and visualize watching yourself for a week in your life. Look at what causes you pain. Look for the ways you are married to that pain. How do you perpetuate that pain? How are you committed to that pain? What are you doing that causes you pain, but that you continue to do because you think that there will be a reward for that struggle eventually? What pain are you subjecting yourself to because you think it makes you good or lovable or because it gets you approval from others? How are you holding onto that pain and defending it because you think it makes you good? What desire are you going against because you fear that allowing it will hurt other people or make you a bad person?What ar e you telling your children or your friends? Are you teaching them that they need to ignore their own joy or desires for their own good when it’s really because you think you’ll be happier if they do or don’t do something?
Here are some more questions you can ask yourself to help identify how you are perpetuating your own pain. Are you part of a religion you don’t enjoy just because you want to get to heaven? Are you self-sacrificing for your children, spouse, friends or co-workers? Are you giving up something you want to do under the guise that you are giving it up for someone else? Do you self abuse by saving for a rainy day? Do you punish yourself so you can justify allowing yourself to do or have something you want? Do you work at a job you hate for the reward of money? Do you try to live a self less life so you can deserve love or deserve to have what you want? Are you sticking with a relationship that is painful because you believe that it makes you a good person to do it, or because you are confusing your choice to stay with them (even though they treat you badly) with loving them? Do you make yourself unhappy by worrying about things that haven’t even happened because you think that worrying about them will somehow enable you to avoid them or because you think the universe wont blindside you with something you already saw coming (let’s call this keeping myself unhappy in order to try to outsmart the universe or god). Do you not do things that you know make you feel better because there are more important things to do (such as make breakfast for everyone even though you are happier when you start your morning with yoga)?. Do you deny yourself your needs because you think your needs are an imposition on others? Are you not allowing yourself to do something you’ve always wanted to try because it isn’t practical or conceivable that you could turn that thing into a profession? Do you continue to spend time with people who make you feel bad about yourself? Do you resist other people comforting you, showing you affection or complimenting you? Do you use guilt to keep yourself good? Do you lie to yourself that you enjoy something you really don’t enjoy because you think you should enjoy it? Do you keep commitments no matter how much pain keeping them causes you? Do you say yes to things you want to say no to? Do you have an addiction to painful self-improvement exercises because you think the only way to deserve love or get love is to improve? Do you keep and defend beliefs that cause you pain just because you think they are true? Do you have to be doing something productive, because you think that doing something just because it’s fun is not a good enough reason to do something? Do you live your life according to what you have to do not what you want to do?
There are a great many more ways that we remain married to pain and continue to propagate pain in our lives due to the misconception that pain is good for us. Simply observe your life from third person perspective and when you find something that causes you pain, look to see how you are perpetuating that pain. When you find out how you are perpetuating and causing that pain, decide what you could do differently. What would allow you to go in the direction of joy in those scenarios? Choose three of the scenarios where you chronically perpetuate pain, but where it was obvious what you could do differently and this week, commit to doing those things instead. If during the week, pain arises in the moment, stop and ask yourself “how am I causing this pain to myself? What is my part in perpetuating this pain?” when you get the answer, commit to doing something different. We will only solve this problem within the human race if we solve it within ourselves. We can only solve it within ourselves if we are willing to recognize it and allow ourselves in our own individual lives to prioritize joy above all else, and go in the direction of joy. We will only solve this problem if we give permission to others to do the same. We really are a precious species. We hold onto and defend our pain at all costs because we think our pain makes us good and we want so badly to be good so that we can be loved. But pain and suffering is not love; it the opposite of love. And pain and suffering does not make us good. In fact at the heart of every serial killer, child abuser, rapist, gang member, criminal, mass murderer and war monger is pain and suffering.
Desire has been a big topic of controversy within the spiritual community. Spiritual teachers (Like the Buddha) say that desire is the root of suffering. They say that happiness is the result of learning how to rid oneself of desire. But even the desire to rid yourself of desire, is a desire. So you can never truly rid yourself of desire and you can never lie to yourself enough to convince yourself that you don’t want what you want. So why is it that thousands of people have experienced relief from supposedly ridding themselves of desire?
When you desire something, that desire is the emotional indication that you have given birth to a brand new improved idea. That improved idea holds a frequency. And your higher self matches that new frequency the minute you desire it. So now, there is a gap between the frequency you hold, and the frequency your higher self holds. There is a vibrational gap between you and what you want. If you think a thought that feels negative, it is because that thought has a vibration, which separates you further from your higher self and therefore your desire. If you think a thought that feels positive, it is because that thought has a vibration, which is closer to the vibration of your higher self and therefore your desire. So there are two ways to close this gap between you and your higher self; between you and your desire. The first is to understand that anything you can ever want is meant to be yours and will be yours the minute you think thoughts and take actions that line you up vibrationally with it. The second is to want the now. If you want the now, your higher self joins you where you are. There is no gap between you and your higher self and therefore, no negative emotion can arise from you. Over the centuries, though no one has managed to rid themselves of desire, many have managed to appreciate the now to such a degree that they were no longer suffering.
The desire that is emanating from every being in existence is what is causing the expansion of this universe. To come here and to not desire is to promote ended-ness within the universe. It goes directly against the reason you chose to come into physical existence to begin with. You are designed to desire. Desire is as true to you as pure being-ness. So why does desire cause us pain? The answer is, it doesn’t. Desire never caused pain. It’s what we add to desire that causes us pain. What makes desire painful is thoughts like these: I can’t have what I desire. I don’t deserve to have what I want. I’m not good enough until I get this thing that I desire. What causes pain is continuing to focus on what you don’t have or don’t like or don’t want after you have already given birth to the idea of what you do want.
So many of us think that desire is about wanting what we do not have and so when we think of desire, we do not think of the feeling of inspiration and forward movement. We think of the feeling of desperate dissatisfaction with where we currently are. We call that the feeling of desire, when it is not the feeling of desire; it is the feeling of the negative thought we’re thinking after we desire something. We associate desire with the feeling that the desire is not currently ours and may in fact never be ours. The feeling we associate with desire is actually the feeling of resistance to our desire. It is not desire that causes suffering, it is resistance to your desire that causes suffering. Desire causes you pain when you contradict your desire with thoughts that prevent you from it. Desire causes you pain when you continue to focus on what is unwanted (what inspired you to that desire in the first place) even though you already know what you want instead. Desire causes you suffering when you do not understand that desire will never end. It truly is the finish line that you will never reach. The minute you reach the point you thought was the finish line, it will move and you will be chasing something else that you want. Once you accept that you can never reach that finish line, you open the door to joy in your life. You experience the joy of the journey instead of the destination. If you know you will never reach the end of the line, you will no longer think something is wrong when you don’t reach the end of the line. You can enjoy the feeling of the process of hatching that new improved idea and the process of lining up with that idea mentally, emotionally and physically until you are living the reality of it.
There is no reason to feel as if desire is the enemy. Everything that you love about existence, from living in houses (instead of caves), to that perfect piece of chocolate cake, is available to you now because it was once the byproduct of someone else’s desire. And now, it is the byproduct of yours.
Love is an identical vibration to appreciation. And appreciation is nothing more than positively focusing towards something. This means that unconditional love is the same as unconditional positive focus. A simpler way of putting this is that unconditional love is positive focus (appreciation) that is not conditional upon how another person acts.
Now it is time to get real for a minute. How many of us on this earth are capable of that right now? How many of us are capable of focusing positively towards the person who has a gun aimed at our face? How many of us are capable of focusing positively towards the person who just mutilated and murdered a child that they stole off of a city sidewalk? How many of us are capable of focusing positively towards the elementary school bully that made our school lives hell or towards our father who left us when we were very young? Not many of us. And this should not make you feel bad about yourself because unconditional love and enlightenment are the exact same state. We know how difficult it is to reach enlightenment. It is a lifelong practice if not a multi lifetime practice for most beings. And we also know that enlightenment is not a goal that we reach. Instead, it is a horizon line that continues to move further into the future with every desire that we have and with every new perspective that we are introduced to. It is the same with unconditional love. Unconditional love is a practice, it is not a state we achieve and are then done practicing. There is no retirement from the practice of unconditional love. And the minute you think you’ve reached it, you will find yourself in another situation where you are challenged to find alignment with it. There are beings that have achieved the experience of enlightenment; and who are dedicated to continuing to stay in alignment with that enlightenment. There are people who have felt unconditional love; and who are dedicated to continuing to stay in alignment with that unconditional love. But there is no such thing as a physically incarnated being who is permanently in a state of enlightenment. There is also no such thing as a being that is permanently in a state of unconditional love. If we reached this state, we would no longer be physically incarnated. It would defy the entire point of being physically incarnated because that individual could feel no further contrast. And if no contrast is felt, no new desires are born from them and so no universal expansion occurs through them. Universal expansion is the entire reason for experiencing the physical dimension.
In the spiritual community, unconditional love is a standard that we hold ourselves to. It is a standard that is no different that expecting ourselves to be enlightened. When we are not yet enlightened, asking ourselves to be enlightened is the same as asking ourselves to lie to ourselves in favor of pretending. In favor of acting like we think an enlightened person should act. Asking ourselves (or others) to be unconditionally loving is no different that expecting ourselves to lie to ourselves about how we really feel and instead act like we think an unconditionally loving person should act. We strip the genuine-ness out of ourselves and expect ourselves to pretend so we can maintain the lie that we are the spiritual people we think we should be. And all the while, we send ourselves a damaging message. We send ourselves the message that we are not good enough. You cannot lie to yourself no matter how hard you try. Deep inside you know you don’t actually feel unconditionally loving and good about another person. But you think a truly spiritual person should feel unconditionally loving, and so even if you go through the motions of appearing to be unconditionally loving, inside you feel like a fraud. You are acutely aware of your own shortcomings. We all maintain the lie that we are unconditionally loving and that we need to be unconditionally loving when the truth is none of us are unconditionally loving. If we were, we wouldn’t be physically incarnated here on planet earth. It is a perfectly fine practice to dedicate yourself to, but unconditional love cannot be forced and you cannot talk yourself into being unconditionally loving when you are currently feeling negative emotions towards someone (like fear or guilt or hate). If you feel fear or guilt or hate towards someone and you say to yourself “be unconditionally loving” all you are doing is shaming yourself into good behavior. Behavior that is in no way genuine. And guess what? You are further away from unconditional love if you do that than if you would just let yourself be in a place of fear, guilt or hate relative to that person. So how do we become unconditionally loving? First, we must understand that unconditional love is no different than enlightenment. Enlightenment is the state of being completely in alignment with the perspective of source itself. Source’s perspective is the most objective of all perspectives., because it is the unity of all perspectives. And it just so happens that this unified perspective is an unconditionally loving perspective towards everything in existence. So, anything we do to reach enlightenment, will culture unconditional love within ourselves. There are thousands if not millions of roads to that one destination that we call enlightenment. The same goes for unconditional love. There would be no way whatsoever to give you the way to reach the state of unconditional love. There are many roads there; and many left yet to be invented. So all anyone can do is give you suggestions that may serve you to close the gap between where you are and unconditional love. By now you know that if you really want to unconditionally love the world, you can’t start with the world. You must instead start with yourself. So get off your own back. If you really do want to maintain alignment with unconditional love, the first step is to stop expecting yourself to be unconditionally loving when you aren’t. In other words, the first step is to stop expecting yourself to be where you aren’t. If you continue to measure yourself next to a destination you haven’t reached yet, you will continue to highlight your own shortcomings and that is not unconditionally loving to yourself. Instead, it is self-hating. You are giving yourself the message that where you are, is not ok. All too often, unconditional love becomes the excuse for keeping ourselves in painful situations; or not taking the actions we need to take to ensure our own happiness. For example, let’s say someone is emotionally abusive to us and we see that they are hurting. We have the tendency to tell ourselves to be unconditionally loving to them and stay in that situation despite the fact that we are being abused, but this is not unconditionally loving to us or to them. If we allow ourselves to stay in abusive situations, we aren’t unconditionally loving ourselves. And remember that part of caring about someone is about fostering their growth. Making sure they are always emotionally comfortable and preventing them from experiencing pain or the consequences of their own actions is the same as denying them growth. Unconditional love is love without limits. Unconditional love is the byproduct of perspective. If your perspective is limited, your love is limited. We must expand our perspective if we are to reach a state of unconditional love. To do this, we need to prioritize feeling better. Question your thoughts instead of blindly believing them. Deliberately choose to think whatever thoughts feel good and focus on whatever makes you feel relief. But be aware that if you feel fear, relief may be an angry thought and if you feel anger, relief may be a pessimistic thought. Trust your emotions and let yourself think those thoughts without judging whether they are good or bad thoughts to have. You cannot lie to yourself; so make sure to pick thoughts that you actually do believe. If you are the one who controls how you feel by controlling what you focus on, you are not dependent upon another person acting in a way that feels good to observe. This is the most important step when it comes to unconditional love. If you control how you feel, your love will not be conditioned upon other people acting in a way that evokes love from you. You will be able to radiate love no matter what they do or don’t do. Once you start feeling positive emotion, practice looking at the situation through the other person’s perspective by pretending to be them. This process cannot be forced or done prematurely. Trying to understand the other person’s perspective too early or from a negative emotional space is self-invalidation. It is self-abusive. If we are to learn unconditional love, we must practice detachment. Detachment does not mean not caring. It means detaching your happiness from them so they are no longer responsible for how we feel. If we are attached to the outcome of someone, or if we are attached to them behaving in one-way or another, we are now unable to be unconditionally loving. Our positive focus now depends on them. Our love (which is no different than pure appreciative focus) is now conditional upon them. If you are attached to them, it is a parasitic relationship. And yes, most current human relationships are parasitic. If you are attached to them, it becomes important to control the other person and how they act so that you can be happy. If they must change to make you happy, you don’t unconditionally love them. The first step as far as detachment is concerned, is to admit that we are attached. Admit that you feel totally powerless over other people and do in fact feel as if your happiness and therefore positive focus and therefore love is completely dependent upon them, on how they act and what they say. Learning detachment is a lifelong project. And the more you detach, the more you will love. Remember, it is easy to love someone or something that is easy to love. But we are powerless if we can only love someone based on the condition of them behaving in a way that is easy to love. Unconditional love is in fact the state of being completely in alignment with source perspective despite the external conditions. To love conditionally is to say, “When I look at this part of you, I feel bad about you and when I look at this part of you, I feel good about you and so I need the parts of you that feel bad to go away so I can feel good about you all the time”. To love unconditionally is to say, “I am in charge of what I focus upon about you. You are not responsible for how I feel. I trust myself to find a way of looking at you that feels good to me no matter what you are doing and so nothing about you needs to change. Because I not only can love regardless of the condition, I am love, regardless of the condition”. And our lives here are a continual process of re-discovering that we are that love regardless of any condition.
Ego is not your enemy. It is a necessary tool. Without the ego, we could not be aware of oneness. It is our separate perspective, which is allowing us to see and understand the big picture of this universe. In other words, ego is contrast and contrast is necessary for expansion. Pretend you are an athlete. The person who is responsible for pushing you to be the best athlete you can be is none other than your biggest rival. And so is that rival an enemy or a best friend? But for the sake of this article, we will be addressing ego like an adversary in order to highlight it’s strategies and how it tries to trap you.
Ego is the term we use for the separate identity and the separate identity has one prerogative; survival. Because the ego thinks that its survival is at stake, the ego has become intelligent. It is intelligent enough to know that sometimes a full frontal approach is not the best course of action. It is smart enough to know that sometimes the best choice is to come in the back door. For thousands of years this back door entry has been called “the final trap of the ego”. Some examples of the final trap of ego are: Trying to eradicate ego by becoming completely humble, only to become egotistical about being humble. Or trying to eradicate ego by becoming selfless and dedicating oneself to service, only to become convinced that you are the only one that is capable and strong and that others are weak and in need. There are many of these back door trappings. But we are going to address the one that is the most covert and the one that has a chokehold on so many people in the spiritual community; especially the “I create my own reality community”. The birth of the new world we envision depends on unity. And this ego trapping divides us. It is no joke that the way to make a society weak and easily controlled is to “divide and concur”. And so, this particular trapping must come to the forefront of our minds. We must see it for what it is. The spiritual truth that has opened the back door for ego is the teaching, “I create my own reality”. The ego’s strategy in this particular case is isolation (a byproduct of the ego’s perception that it is separate from others).
One of the most important spiritual steps we can take is to move out of the role of the victim by recognizing our personal power and making changes in our life that are in accordance with that power. We must recognize that it is our minds which create our reality. We must recognize that as an extension of source energy, we are ultimately god incarnated physically. We must recognize how we have given our power away so that we can begin taking our power back. And we must realize that our dependency is killing us; but that there is where ego traps us. Ego comes in the back door and tells us that we must rely only on ourselves. It isolates us completely by telling us that we are the only ones who can do it right. It tells us that everyone else will fail us. It tells us that we have to suck it up, accept the reality that we are alone in our creation of our reality and that we must do everything ourselves. In other words, it swings the pendulum from the desperate, invaded powerlessness of dependence to the desperate, lonely powerlessness of independence. To understand this concept further, let’s look at the difference between the message that the ego gives you and the message that the spirit gives you about the exact same subject. The ego says, “suck it up, you are the only one that can love you and that has to be enough because no one is going to do it for you.” The spirit says, “begin to love yourself and your vibration will change enough that your reality will begin to reflect that new state of being and others will suddenly demonstrate the love you’ve always been wanting from them.”
It seems contradictory that so many spiritual teachers promote individualism (individual empowerment) simultaneously with interdependence and oneness. But it is not a contradiction. We live in an interdependent universe where everything in existence is one. But we have projected forth into the physical dimension, where our individual perspectives are creating our little subjective realities. Separation is something we are trying out so we can understand oneness for what it is. For most of us to come into alignment with our higher selves, we must become self-focused. We must follow our happiness and take back our personal power. But once we do this, we will inevitably discover the fact that the next step in our happiness is to see that everything in existence is an extension of the self. It is all one. It is as impossible to be independent in a universe that is “all one” as it is impossible to be dependent in a universe that is “all one”.
We are all completely dependent on other things. We are in no way self-sufficient. We depend on the food we eat. We are dependent on the cars we drive. We are dependent on the air we breathe. So how can it be true that we have personal power if we are this dependent? The answer is, because we create that which we are dependent on; so ultimately we are not dependent on what we seem to be dependent on. We are no more dependent on our manifestations than a painter is dependent on his paintings. He can always create more.
So where does this leave us? It leaves us with the truth that your power is all about knowing the power that you have. The victim forgets the creative power of his own being. He forgets he is creating everything, including the things he thinks he is dependent on. In other words, the victim forgets that if he manifests help from others, it is not they that are helping him; it is him that is helping himself. If I am this stuck in victim mentality, I will wait for others to create what I want and this waiting game is powerlessness. The one, who is trapped by the ego in personal power, is the one who forgets that we live in an interdependent universe; where our creations will always come through the venue of other beings. If we are trapped in ego, we will see getting help from others as powerlessness. We will live lonely, tiring lives due to the fear of dependence. The ego will bate us with the promise of feeling good about ourselves (we can feel strong and feel powerful because we’re the only capable ones). We will live in a world that is full of people who seem to be incapable. We will trust no one and nothing. We are isolated and cannot feel the oneness inherent in symbiosis. Oneness is reflected in symbiosis. We are not dependent on what we live symbiotically with because we know if the other party is not a willing participant, it is perfectly fine because we can create another who is. And we know that because we create them, we are never powerless.
Independence is an illusion. It is ego. Personal empowerment is much different. We have the tendency to confuse the two. It is time to separate truth from the ego’s shadows. The healthy mind that is un-trapped by ego, recognizes at once it’s connection with all things as well as it’s own power to create anything it likes in the physical dimension. Since most of us are isolated to our one perspective, we are in alignment when we take the power that we do have as an individual to find our joy; without simultaneously buying into the ignorant illusion that we are in fact individual. The perspective of me vs. you is just a temporary illusion that we are using as a tool to aid our expansion. And it is a valuable tool, until the tool is using us more so than we are using it.
Your consciousness exists on all dimensions. As your consciousness streams through the dimensions, the parts of your consciousness that are focused into one dimension or another are called “aspects”. To ground yourself means to fully connect and phase with the perspective of your physical dimensional aspect. Your consciousness is not as much a finite clump of energy as it is an infinite current of energy. For this reason, it can easily be compared to electricity. Removing the excess electric charge from an object is called grounding. Removing the excess emotional charge that is the result of getting lost in the non-physical dimensions of thought is also called grounding. When we pull our focus back to our physical aspect, we entrain with the frequency of the earth itself. We allow energy to move through our root chakra. And we allow ourselves to be fully present here with our physical bodies and physically incarnated perspectives. For this reason though, grounding is particularly difficult for anyone who feels unsafe in their bodies. Those of us who have dealt with physical or sexual abuse, cope by detaching from our bodies and from the earth and instead prefer to spend time in alternative dimensional realities. Ironically though, this coping skill continues well past the point that the danger is present and then, being ungrounded interferes with our ability to function and interact in the physical world. At this point, grounding would provide sanctuary from the emotional pain that we are suffering. When we have suffered in the past, we tend to frequently go back to the past in our minds. Grounding pulls us out of those traumatic memories and into the stability and safety of the present moment. Grounding is the perfect remedy for anyone who is feeling stressed, triggered, regressed, rushed, overworked, confused, overwhelmed, panicked, angry, clumsy or drained. Here are eleven easy ways to ground yourself:
Walk barefoot on the earth. The Earth maintains a negative electrical potential on its surface. When you are in direct contact with the ground (walking, sitting, or laying down on the earth's surface) the earth's electrons are conducted to your body, bringing it to the same electrical potential as the earth. In other words, when you are in contact with the earth directly, its tranquil energy naturally is conducted through you and you become grounded. Throughout history, humans have walked barefoot on the ground, which naturally discharges and prevents the buildup of electrical stress within the body. Also, your immune system functions optimally when your body has an adequate supply of electrons, which are easily and naturally obtained by barefoot contact with the Earth.
Bring your attention to the present moment. Do a body scan even. Begin your body scan by diverting your thoughts away from any mental chatter. Notice the soles of your feet, your toes, in-between your toes, the top of your feet, ankles, and heels. Do they feel hot? Do they feel cold? Do they hurt? Are they numb or swollen? Can you feel the blood circulating through them? Are they feeling tired? Don't judge how they feel, simply notice how they feel. Wiggle your toes. How does that feel? Once you have a made a strong connection with your feet move your attention upwards past your ankle, switching all your focus from your feet to your lower legs, then move onto your knee caps, the backside of your knees, your thighs, and so on all the way up through your body without rushing. Then, begin listing things that you see in the room. Be where you are physically. Pick up objects in the room and notice the way they feel. You can even run cold water over your hands or eat something and while you are eating it describe the sensations, flavors and experience of eating that thing to yourself mentally as you eat it.
Eat root vegetables. Anything that grows underneath the surface of the earth will connect you with the frequency of the earth and thus, will have a grounding effect. Some examples of grounding foods are: potatoes, turnips, carrots, beets, sweet potatoes and radishes. Some people say that eating meat is grounding. This is not actually the case. Meat simply decreases your frequency so that you cannot access the higher dimensional frequencies of your consciousness. There is a big difference between grounding your frequency and decreasing your frequency.
Use grounding stones. When we share space with a mineral, our frequency must entrain with the frequency of that particular mineral. If a crystal, gemstone or other mineral holds a frequency that is grounding, keeping it near you (in your pocket or hand or worn as a necklace etc.) will help you to ground your energy. Some examples of grounding stones are, hematite, smoky quartz, obsidian, red coral, onyx, black tourmaline, ruby, garnet, pyrite, tiger iron and black opal.
Use grounding scents. Certain aromas will also influence you to become grounded. In my opinion, the best way to entrain with scents is to use essential oils. Everyone has their own opinion about what the best grounding essences are. But in my opinion, the essential oils that are the best to use to ground yourself are: Cedar, vetiver, benzoin, myrrh, sandal wood, cypress, oak moss, patchouli oil, rosewood, chamomile, elemi, ylang ylang, and lavender. Lavender is particularly good at convincing the consciousness to relax into the physical. You can use them on their own or combine them. You can get a metal or glass spray bottle, fill it with spring water (not tap water or any other kind of water that would corrode the precious oils) and add a few drops of each of your chosen oils to it. Then, shake up the mixture and mist yourself with it throughout the day. You can even put grounding stones in the bottle to amplify the grounding frequency of the mixture.
Use Color to ground yourself. Colors, offer powerful vibrations. Being near certain colors will influence your frequency to become grounded. Red is the color that is associated with the root chakra. Red tones will help your energy to ground. Black and brown will also cause you to ground. You can visualize filling your body up with a light that is red, brown or black. You can even dress in these colors.
Use sound to stimulate your root chakra. Certain crystal bowls, metal bowls and alchemy bowls have been designed so that the sound that they emit stimulates and balances your root chakra, which grounds you. Binaural rhythms also do this. You can find binaural beats and rhythms made specifically for the root chakra and for grounding for free on youtube. You can also purchase binaural beats to listen to when you go to sleep at night. But toning with your own voice is perhaps the most beneficial. When you hum deep, low notes you will notice that they vibrate in the pelvis. Start by humming a high tone and pay attention to the sensation you feel in your body (it may be like a buzzing). Try to use the tone to direct that sensation down in your body. Direct it between your legs or to the base of the spine. This will cause your root chakra to come into alignment.
Spend time around other grounded individuals. People work the same way as minerals do. If one person is particularly grounded, they can influence another who is not grounded, to ground themselves. It is especially beneficial if the grounded individual either holds the ungrounded individual’s hands or feet. The best remedy however, is if the grounded individual can place the palm of their hands, first on the occipital ridge for the count of eight and then on either side of the hips for the count of eight.
Do grounding visualizations and meditations. There are many of these grounding visualizations and meditations available. So if you enjoy guided meditations, do a search result for grounding meditations and grounding visualizations and give them a try until you find one that works for you. My personal favorite is to visualize myself as a tree. I begin by raising my arms on the in breath, and lowering them on the outbreath four times. Then I see myself becoming a tree. I visualize my energy flowing down into the center of the earth so far that it hooks into the center of the earth. If your focus is developed enough, you will feel the earth’s rotation when you do this. Then I visualize my roots growing deep into the ground and I visualize pulling the energy of the earth up through those roots and especially up through my root chakra, which is located just in front of the base of the tailbone. I then focus on pulling that energy up through my entire body.
Take a salt bath. I’m not talking about your basic table salt. I’m talking about salts like sea salt, solar salt, sulfur salt, Hawaiian salt or Himalayan salt. It is no mistake that salts are notorious for healing the physical body, they hold one of the most purifying vibrations around; which is why we use it to neutralize energy in healing crystals. Add 1 to 2 cups of high quality salt to your bathtub while you are running the water and just like you did with the essential oil mister bottle, add your favorite grounding stones to the bath and immerse your body for at least 20 minutes.
Maintain and strengthen your body. We spiritual types are so focused on the spirit and mental aspect of our lives, that we forget to focus on the body. We tend to be the most un-grounded of people. We tend to forget that the body is an integral part tour spiritual practice. Exercise and healthy eating will help you to focus your awareness on the body. It forces you to interact with the physical dimension and thus, it is profoundly grounding.
The ability to consciously ground yourself is an important and valuable tool to learn. The true master of consciousness is he who can decide (at will) what dimension to focus into and interact with. The true spiritual master is not just a master because he can transcend the physical, he is a master because he can choose either to transcend the physical, or to fully engage with the physical.
Potential is inherent in everything and everyone. It is a very admirable thing to be able to see the potential in people and in things. After all, It us the underlying truth of who we are. We are potential energy. The problem sets in when we decide to commit to a relationship with someone based on potential. It has been drilled into your head by our human society that the heroes and heroines of relationships are the partners and spouses that see the potential in their lovers even when they don’t see it in themselves. Society would have you believe that those partners and spouses are the very reason that they “make it to their goals”. This is not an accurate portrayal. These spouses are not in love with what their lovers could be. They are actually in love with what the person is. Here’s an example, you may have watched the movie called The Time Traveler’s Wife. Society would have you believe that Clare is a heroine because she sticks by Henry’s side despite how difficult it is to be married to someone who disappears (sometimes for weeks at a time) before your very eyes and mostly at inopportune moments. Society would have you believe that she stays by his side for the promise or for the potential that someone could cure the genetic disorder that causes him to spontaneously time travel. But this is not the case. The only reason Clare did not end up divorcing Henry, is because despite the difficulty of being left alone with no notice whatsoever, she fell in love with Henry for who he is and what he is; as a time traveler. We see those stories all the time during the Olympics, about spouses or partners or family members who believed in the athlete (that now has a gold medal) even when the athlete didn’t believe in themselves. It’s tempting to think that the spouse or partner or family member stuck by that person because of their belief in the person’s ability to be a winner or to get that gold medal. The truth is, the spouse or partner or family member may have had faith in the athlete’s ability to get the gold medal on day, but what they were actually in love with was who the athlete was right then and there. Sticking with the example of the athlete, the spouse of an athlete that is a happy spouse, is not in love with them because of the potential of them being a gold medalist one day. They are in love with them because of their drive and ambition and how tight they hold to a dream. With or without a gold medal, this is who they are, so the spouse can be happy right here and now regardless of whether the promise of a gold medal comes true or never comes true.
The only way a relationship will ever be enjoyable, is if your love of who someone is right here and now, outweighs any promise of who they could be. And the only way a relationship will work out long term, is if you love who they are right now. In other words, if you were to freeze them in time and nothing ever changed about them, the only way a relationship will work out with them long term, is if you love that person. It will never be a satisfying relationship long term if you love who they told you they could or would be and it will never be a satisfying relationship long term if you love who you think they could or would be.
When we first meet someone, many of us make the mistake of seeing what they could be instead of what they are and so, in the beginning when our focus is purely positive towards them, we are happy with them. We are happy when we are still banking on them becoming what we actually want them to be. We look forward to our future with them. The relationship feels like it is full of promise. And the promise of a better future makes our current lives more enjoyable to live. But eventually, we begin to notice where we are instead of where we want to be. We notice who they are instead of who we want them to be. Our illusion is shattered.
This is especially true when we have fallen for someone who is a “rainbow seller”. To explain what a rainbow seller is, I’m going to play out a scenario that is rich with metaphor. A rainbow seller is a person who cannot love themselves for who they are; they only love themselves for what they could be or will be one day. It is as if their merit and worth is on the other side of the rainbow. They don’t really believe in themselves. And after years of chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow to no avail, they no longer truly believe that they can reach the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. So they ask you to believe that they can reach that pot of gold for them. They sell you on the idea that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. They promise you all kinds of things that even they don’t truly think they can achieve; because they become convinced that with your support and belief in them, they may actually be able to reach the end of the rainbow and enjoy the pot of gold awaiting them. And for a while, you get to share in the excitement of the chase. For a while you believe there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow also. In fact, you are in a relationship with them for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And when you begin to notice that the end of the rainbow just keeps receding and receding, you finally notice that you don’t like where you are very much. You start to doubt that there is in fact a pot at the end of the rainbow. You begin to take notice of all the ways that you aren’t yet at the pot of gold. And then a funny thing happens; you blame them for it. Not only do you blame them for it, you punish them for it. Not only do you punish them for it, they punish you for it. They get really, really angry (and usually self destructive) and try to make you think you have betrayed them. Your lack faith in the idea of the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow makes them feel like you lack faith in them. They will shame you and guilt you into thinking that you are a bad person for loosing faith in the endeavor. Eventually, you end up calling yourself stupid, feeling like you are in fact a bad person for abandoning the dream and them, and the relationship ends. Or worse, we stay in a miserable relationship of mutual punishment and dissatisfaction for the rest of our lives and die of some disease that our body has manifested because of it.
This is what we do in relationships once the illusion begins to crumble. We blame them for the illusion and for the fact that it is now crumbling. We punish them for not living up to what they promised us that they would be or what we wanted them to be. We punish them because they aren’t yet what we want them to be. This relationship mistake is especially prevalent because society has told us that it is not appropriate to prioritize some things in a partner; such as money or looks. I’m going to get really stereotypical and explain two scenarios to you.
Scenario one is a woman who wants to be with a man that has lots of money. She loves the feeling of being provided for and being with someone who is successful. But society tells her that this is a shallow and therefore inappropriate desire. Society calls her a gold digger. So she does not hold out for a wealthy man. Instead, she settles for men that have no money, but whom promise her that they will have money and will financially support her. She settles for men that sell her rainbows. She does not realize that these men would not actually prioritize money if they were left to their own devices. Instead, they are trying to gain money… for her. Eventually she will realize that they are getting nowhere, because the motivation doesn’t come organically from within them; it comes entirely from her. She starts to feel duped. She begins to vent her frustrations about them and loose faith in them. And the men begin to feel resentful because they realize that she does not love them for who they are right here and now, she “only wants them for money”. In reality, this isn’t the case; it’s just that she has fallen in love with the potential of what they could be one day instead of what they are. And she still wants the kind of man that she wants (which happens to be a wealthy man).
Scenario two is a man who wants to be with a woman who is physically gorgeous. He loves the feeling of getting butterflies in his stomach when he’s near her. He loves the feeling of other men giving him props for being with such a beautiful woman. But society says that this is an inappropriate desire. Society calls him a “dick” or a “misogynist”. So, he does not hold out for a physically attractive woman. Instead, he settles. He settles for women who have some attractive qualities about them, but whom he doesn’t consider beautiful. Now, he spends his time trying to get her to join exercise programs or trying to get her to go get her hair done. He finds himself watching other women who he finds beautiful when his partner is there and in turn, she feels unappreciated and ugly. He subscribes to pornography web sites because he has no sex drive relative to the woman he is supposed to be in a long-term relationship with. He is dissatisfied. He begins to vent his frustrations about her. And she becomes resentful. She believes that she is worthless because she isn’t pretty enough. Which is not the case. It’s just that he has fallen in love with the potential of what she could look like one day and not what she really looks like right now. And he still wants what he wants (which happens to be a physically gorgeous woman).
We especially fall into this pattern with people who we think have “problems”. We get into a relationship with them or stay with them because of the promise of the day that their problems are all gone. We stay with them because of the potential that they could stop beating us and decide to love us one day. We stay with them because of the potential that they could be drug free one day. We stay with them because of the potential that they could be happy one day. We feel extra good about ourselves because we get to be the rescuer and the loyal partner. But eventually, we realize that we really don’t want to be with a person with those problems. We realize that we are staying with them, not because of who they are, but for the potential that they could get better and not have those problems one day.
You can’t buck the current of your own expansion. Once you desire something, you can only amend your desire, you can never cause yourself to not want something that you want. And it must be said that those of us who tend to get into relationships based on potential also tend to be the people who think that it’s inappropriate to desire what we truly desire; or that we don’t deserve what we truly desire. The person that you want to choose to be with is the person who is already doing and already being the person you want, before you showed up in their life. If that person isn’t already doing what you want them to do, they are doing it for you, not for them! You cannot be their motivation for them. Those of us with low self esteem fall into this trap of trying to become what the other person wants us to be, instead of letting ourselves be ourselves completely, so as to find someone who wants us the way we are exactly. Take a good look at your partner. If you froze them in time and space and for the rest of your relationship, they were exactly like this (this temperament, these looks, this much money), would you want to be with them? Or would you not want to be with them? If not, you can’t be in a relationship with that person and be happy long term. And you can’t get them to be responsible for your happiness by trying to change them into what you want them to be. Now take a good look at yourself. If you froze yourself in space and time and for the rest of your life you were exactly like this (these moods, these looks, these flaws, this much money), would you love yourself? If not, you run the very real risk of selling rainbows in your relationships and setting yourself up for relationship failure. If not, it is time to learn how to love yourself.
Fall in love with what is, not what could be. This doesn’t make you a person of little faith. You can still have faith in someone; just don’t base your decision to be in a relationship with someone off of faith. Because if you do, you don’t really love them, you love what they could be. You have fallen in love with an illusion. You have fallen in love with something that does not exist. All that truly exists is now. The past does not exist and the future does not exist. Eventually, you will find yourself in the now and all you will see relative to your partner, is the lack of what you want them to be. You can try all you want to, but it is not possible to get yourself to not want what you want. It is desire that is fueling universal expansion. And universal expansion is the purpose of life itself. So the best you can do, is to become clear about why you want what you want. Figuring out why you want what you want helps you to come closer to your truest desires and closer to manifesting the specific desire that you have expressed. Regardless of what society tells you, it is ok to want what you want in a partner. Anyone who tells you otherwise, is grappling with insecurity; usually the insecurity that they can’t be (or are not) what you want. So they would rather tell you that you shouldn’t desire what you desire, so that they don’t feel bad about themselves. Falling in love with the future potential of who someone could be, instead of who someone is right here and now, is a recipe for relationship disaster. And think about it, you don’t really want to be loved by someone else for what you could be one day any more than they want to be loved by you for what they could be one day.
There is a vibrational discord at the root of all ailments. Sometimes that discord shows up in the body as a sore throat, sometimes it shows up as cancer and sometimes it shows up as allergies. The person who has allergies, is a person who has been insensitive to their thoughts and emotions to such a degree that they de sensitized to the discomfort of the emotion and so, their body had to develop the sensitivity. If we have allergies, we have been stuck in negative emotion and we simultaneously believe or have believed (around the time that the allergy developed) that there is no resolution and no answer to improving those emotions. Because of this, we deny our own power. We also feel (or have felt at the time the allergy appeared) that is was not appropriate to express those emotions. The suppression of those emotions (whether it be fear, weeping, sadness, hurt or anger) builds up and builds up until it manifests through our body. If you are paying attention to your emotions to the degree that you recognize what feels good and what feels bad; and if you direct yourself towards feeling good (and thus spend your time predominantly in alignment), the adverse reactions would subside. Allergies are not about what you’re eating or what you are spending time around. It is your beliefs about the things that you are allergic to that cause the allergies. And we can believe things on a conscious level and on a subconscious level. The bottom line is if we have an allergy, we have a thought pattern that is out of alignment with whatever we are allergic to. There is always some kind of trauma or fear at the heart of whatever it is that you are allergic to. This fear or trauma can be emotional blocks in your subconscious or bad experiences that you link to the certain things that you are allergic to. A great many things can cause trauma or fear, which is why every allergy must be deal with on a case-by-case basis. There are many one size fits all remedies for symptom relief when it comes to allergies, but there is no one size fits all remedy for curing allergies. Here is what mean: I could have had a negative experience with a cat when I was a baby (in many cases so long ago that I don’t even consciously remember it) and so now, I fear them and because I fear them my body mobilizes it’s defense mechanisms to them and now, I have an allergy to them. Or, I do not believe that becoming “allowing” and “relaxing” brings things to fruition. I think that allowing and relaxing means that I will fail and be rejected by everyone for that failure. Because of this, when I am around the allowing, relaxed energy of a cat, I feel resistance towards it and that extreme level of resistance, causes my body to have an allergic reaction. Another example is: I am afraid of conflict and negative emotions and so I go to great lengths to avoid both. Sage is a neutralizing energy. It is used to neutralize conflicts and negative energies, which is why people use it to clear houses and facilitate harmonious conversations. But because it holds a vibration that confronts and neutralizes energy, I cannot harmonize with it. I want to run the other way. So now, I have developed an allergy (a vibrational incompatibility) with sage. Many children are born into families that reinforce the belief that the world is not safe. And so they develop allergies to reflect that belief in their incompatibility with the world at birth. Many of these parents who believe the world is unsafe, happen to be hyper clean. Which is why so many children that are born into overly sanitary homes develop allergies.
People in the modern world, subscribe to the Newtonian model of viewing the world as purely a mechanical, physical world. Because of this, they only like to tell the physical story behind ailments. But that is a very narrow view. It’s a bit like saying that light comes from a light bulb when the story of where light came from, started way before we got to the part that involved the light bulb. We like to tell the story that allergies are genetic, when the real story is that thought patterns are adopted and inherited by family members and our bodies react similarly to those thought patterns. This is why adopted children show the exact same likelihood to develop things like cancer despite being genetically unrelated to the families they are adopted into. Everything holds a vibration. If we do not harmonize with something, it is because that thing holds a vibration that does not resonate or harmonize with ours. It is a vibrational incompatibility. But the thing that creates that vibrational incompatibility is thoughts. You will notice that when you are thinking thoughts that are holding you out of alignment (not feeling good), you are drawn together with foods and animals and pollens and materials that you believe are out of alignment for you. When you are in alignment (feeling good), you are drawn together with foods and animals and pollens and materials that you believe are in alignment for you. For many people, it just so happens that when they are drawn together with things that they believe on a subconscious or conscious level are bad for them, the body’s natural defense mechanism (the immune system) releases histamine which triggers an inflammatory response in the body. On an energetic level, the reason the histamine reaction so often affects the bronchial tubes and lungs (the culprit in the characteristic allergy or asthma attack where someone can’t breathe), is that breath is the doorway to life. If we think life is dangerous, we don’t want to take life in. So that resistance to taking in life, manifests as the body not wanting to take in breath.
Here are some suggestions that may help you find relief from your allergies.
Hydrate yourself with good water. Alkaline water, spring water or artesian well water is best. Allergies indicate that the body has increased its production of histamine. In a well-hydrated body, foreign agents that cause allergic attack are neutralized quickly without the body needing to create an exaggerated increase in histamine. Histamine is the cause of so any of those nasty allergy symptoms. Histamine activity becomes exaggerated in a dehydrated body because the toxins within the body are high. So, carry water with you all day long. On an energetic level, water holds one of the most in alignment and allowing vibrations that there is. So attuning to the vibration of water decreases your resistance and thus decreases the manifestation of allergic reaction.
Try Bio-Resonance Therapy. I have had several clients with allergies who have tried this therapy and swear by it. I will warn you that the mainstream American medical community sees Bio-Resonance Therapy as pseudo science and quackery. But as you know, I have very little respect for the mainstream medical community when it comes to anything other than physical trauma. Most of the promising studies relative to Bio-Resonance Therapy have been done in Germany and other European countries. So I think it is worth a try. This therapy is used to erase the cell’s vibratory memory of a particular antigen, thus it annuls the body’s allergic response to that antigen all-together.
Cleanse your liver. Your liver de-toxifies your body. A person who has allergies, is resistance to their environment, they feel that they need to defend themselves against it. The manifestation of that defense reaction is an overactive immune system. An over active immune system, leads to allergies and allergy attacks. Your liver is a crucial component to the function of your immune system. Improving your liver will help your immune system to balance itself out so the immune system can function without creating an exaggerated histamine reaction. Allergies are one of the main reasons that people do liver cleanses. Most of you know that my favorite liver cleanse yet is offered by Andreas Moritz. It is called the amazing liver and gall bladder flush. It is important to do a liver cleanse exactly in accordance with the directions. Liver flushes can be likened to internal surgery without the use of a knife. And the liver cleanses needs to be done month after month until no intrahepatic stones remain. Cleansing your liver is like changing a pool filter that has been in place for over twenty years years. You cannot imagine the amount of ailments that can be cleared up by liver cleanses.
Burn 100% beeswax candles. Some people choose to burn them in their homes throughout the entire day. Here’s the theory as to why it works; burning beeswax produces negative ions. Negative ions purify the air. Airborne particles are attracted to the negatively charged electrode in a similar way that static electricity causes things to stick together. They then seek an earth conductor such as walls, floors or ceilings and cease to float around in the air. Most beeswax candles contain only half beeswax and the rest is a toxin called paraffin wax. So, remember that these candles must be 100% beeswax.
Cut milk, wheat (especially white flour) and meats (especially red meat) out of your diet. Eating foods that are not designed for human consumption stimulates your immune system to protect itself. Your body perceives these foods as a threat to homeostasis and so your body becomes inflamed. The immune system is put into hyperactive mode. When it is in this hyper active mode, you are especially prone to developing an exaggerated histamine response relative to all kinds of things such as pollen, animal dander, grasses, and other foods.
Use Neti pots daily. Irrigate your sinuses with salt water and gargle with salt water. This dislodges the irritants that may be causing upper respiratory allergy symptoms. And it prevents inflammation that is caused by those irritants
Drink peppermint tea and Green tea. This is one of the oldest remedies for allergies. These teas act as a detoxifier, an anti inflammatory and decongestant.
Eat honey produced by bees in your region. This is especially helpful if you have seasonal allergies or pollen allergies. The bees transfer pollen from flower blossoms to honey. Honey is full of enzymes, which help you to metabolize the pollen inside the honey; so if you eat a little honey every day you'll gradually become inoculated against the irritating effects of pollens in your area.
Use colloidal oatmeal for skin irritations caused by allergens. This remedy is particularly good for hives. It doesn’t only sooth skin, it also protects it from irritants. The chemicals found in oats reduce the skin inflammation caused by allergens.
Use cold potato slices for swollen, puffy eyes. Slice raw potato and lay one slice over each of your eyes for a few minutes. This decreases swelling and tightens the skin around your eyes.
Don’t just accept the surface, physical explanation for what you’re allergic to. Do a little digging to find out what it is that you’re resistant to about what you’re allergic to. Learn everything about what you are allergic to. Look for your trauma or your fear relative to that thing. Then, release resistance to that thing. Transform those painful feeling thoughts the same way you would any other thought. Question the thoughts. Reverse the thoughts. Change the thoughts.
I will demonstrate what I discovered when I dug deeper relative to my own allergy to cilantro. I hate cilantro. It tastes like industrial cleaner. When I was young I often accompanied my childhood abuser to slaughterhouses. Part of his job was to bring old animals from the dairy farms to the slaughterhouse. The slaughterhouses are infamous for hiring illegal immigrants and in the area where I grew up; illegal immigrants are almost entirely Mexican. I did not understand at that young age that the slaughterhouse jobs were the only ones that would hire these men who were “illegal”. I had a deeply intense connection to animals and all I knew was that as I opened the door to the slaughterhouse, I was starting at a football field long line of Mexican men hacking up pieced of cow, with blood covering their white aprons. The sight traumatized me and I thought that all Mexicans must be the most barbaric, terrible kind of people. It did not help that later in my teen years, many of the more sexually aggressive men made sexual advances towards me while covered in all of that meat packing plant gore. Cilantro was not something that we ate in our home. The first time I ate cilantro, my mother had taken me unwillingly to a Mexican restaurant. I associated cilantro with Mexicans and I associated Mexicans with the feeling of standing there in front of that line up of men covered in blood, slaughtering and carving up cows. The aversion developed into an allergy. On top of the terrible taste, my mouth swells up and tingles, my throat itches and my gums get irritated. My body tries to protect itself from the cilantro by creating an immune response. But that “I have to protect myself” reaction is not in response to the actual food, it’s in response to the association I have with the food.
At the core of allergies is a belief that there are good things and bad things. If you were to see the food or animal or pollen or material from the perspective of source (which holds only pure positive focus towards all things in existence), you would move the vibration relative to that thing into a different space. On a practical level, this means if you know that you have an allergy to something, improve the way you are thinking about it. This doesn’t mean run out and expose yourself to that thing. It just means that the more positive you feel towards that thing, the less your body will react to that thing with an attitude of needing to defend itself against it. And remember that once you have it in your mind that you have an allergy, your aversion to that thing and negative focus towards that thing gets stronger. In other words, the fear gets worse and then, the allergy gets worse. Think more good feeling, empowered thoughts about allergies in general and about whatever you think you are allergic to and your condition will not only improve, it could disappear entirely.
The idea of incest sends shivers up our spine, so it is understandable how so many of us would rather deny that sexual feelings exist between parents and children. But the truth is, though not every one is effected by it to the same degree, the Oedipus complex is alive and well within all of us. And until we recognize its patterns, and accept them, we are doomed to neurotically repeat the same pattern in all of our relationships that we originally had with our parents.
Let me first explain the legend of Oedipus. Oedipus was born to King Laius and Queen Jocasta. Laius visited The Oracle at Delphi, who prophesized that his son would grow up to murder his father and marry his mother. Thus, he staked his son out in a field to die of exposure. The baby was found by shepherds and raised by King Polybus and Queen Merope in the city of Corinth. Oedipus visited the oracle at Delphi later in his manhood and again, The Oracle prophesized that he would kill his father and marry his mother, but believing he was fated to murder his adoptive father Polybus and marry his adopted mother Merope, he left Corinth. Heading to Thebes, Oedipus met an older man in a chariot coming the other way on a narrow road. The two quarreled over who should give way, which resulted in Oedipus killing the stranger and continuing on to Thebes. He found that the king of the city (Laius) had been recently killed and that the city was at the mercy of the Sphinx. The sphinx would kill anyone who could not give the correct answer to a riddle. Oedipus answered the monster’s riddle correctly, defeating it and winning the throne of the dead king and the hand in marriage of the king's widow, Jocasta. Oedipus and Jocasta had two sons and two daughters. In his search to determine who killed Laius (and thus end a plague on Thebes), Oedipus discovered it was he who had killed the late king (his true birth father) and married Jacosta (his true birth mother). Jocasta, having realized that she had married her own son and Laius's murderer, hanged herself. Oedipus seized two pins from her dress and blinded himself with them.
The lesson inherent in this legend is multi fold, the first lesson being that we are fated to experience the very thing that we resist. This is a concept that adheres perfectly to what we know about the law of attraction, as it applies to the principal that whatever we resist persists. The second lesson being that we are destined to have a sexual relationship with our opposite sex parent and to develop rivalry with our same sex parent. Oedipus complex is a deeply ingrained part of our psyches and it’s dynamics play out in every one of our relationships. If we were made to feel guilty and shamed for our sexual feelings (for masturbation or for nudity etc.) It breeds neurosis because we have two contradictory states within ourselves such as desire and resistance to that desire based on guilt. It puts us at war with ourselves. Neurosis is an in internal war of conflicting ideas within ourselves. We begin to resist ourselves, which cuts us off from the source current that flows from non physical to physical, supporting our life functions. The Oedipus complex can cut us off from life itself.
As a woman, you are destined to be in a romantic relationship with your father. As a man, you are destined to be in a romantic relationship with your mother and play out the painful dynamics that were present between you and that parent again and again and again. Oedipus complex simply put, is the subconscious desire to unify with the parent of the opposite sex (that desire to bond, manifests in the animal kingdom as the desire for sexual involvement) and an accompanying subconscious rivalry with the parent of the same sex. On occasion, homosexuality can be caused by the Oedipal situation that occurred in one’s childhood. On occasion, if someone is homosexual, the Oedipus complex is reversed and the desire to unify is directed at the same sex parent, while the rivalry is experienced towards the opposite sex parent.
The bottom line is, we will play out the dynamic we had with our parents over and over again in adulthood so as to try to find resolution for the feelings we had to suppress as children, because there was no way to resolve those feelings as a child. This concept goes hand in hand with the idea of “love reincarnations”. The idea of love reincarnation is that as people, we get into relationships again and again with people who remind us of the parent that we didn’t get the love we wanted from as a child. Usually this is the opposite sex parent. We then try to get them to love us in the way we needed that parent to love us when we were young. Doing this, is our subconscious attempt to resolve our daddy or mommy issues. This is why you keep having the same issues in relationships over and over. You see the same patterns come up. And you keep dating the same person over and over even though they have different faces and different names. Our system reincarnates our parents and plays out the Oedipus complex again and again to try to find resolution and healing. When your psyche comes up against pain or trauma it cannot resolve, it must suppress the feelings associated with the experience. But suppression does not heal anything. Instead, your entire personality becomes “stuck” on that experience. It plays out like a skipping CD. And the cd cannot resume playing (you cannot progress past it towards something else) until the pattern is recognized, the original pain is revisited and that part of you is accepted.
We are attracted to people based on our expansion. The universe hopes that if we come up against the same reflection over and over and it gets bigger and bigger, we will eventually recognize the pattern and shift our vibration so as to be a match to new things. In other words, we will expand. When we are young, we don’t deal well with nuances and contradictions. We can’t conceptualize that the person who gives us pleasure and the person who gives us pain can be the same person. So we split our idea of them into two, the good parent and the bad parent in one body. We always find ourselves attracted to our mates because they represent “the good parent”. And our relationships degrade when over time we begin to see in them more of the traits that we associate with the “bad parent”. We act out against them in a way that we couldn’t as children. We have suppressed our feelings about our parent so deeply that we do not experience those feelings towards our parent, we experience the suppressed feelings we feel for our parent, towards our spouse or romantic partner (the reflection of our parent) instead.
If you want to change your chronic relationship patterns, it is essential to take a serious look at how your childhood relationship with your parents plays out now in your adulthood relationships with lovers. Let go of caring what us true or not true about your childhood. Your current life and feelings are only the result of one thing, your perspective. Healing is only ever the result of addressing your perspective. Write a synopsis of the way that you felt relative to each of your parents as a child and relative to your siblings. What caused you pain? What did you need or want? What was it like to be you as a child? Admit to your family dynamics from your subjective perspective. Then look at the patterns in your romantic relationships. Can you identify a correlation between the patterns in your relationships and the relationship you had with your parents, especially the opposite sex parent? Then write down a list of positive things about your opposite sex parent. What did you like about them? What did they do that was nice? After that, write a list of negative things about that same parent. What did you not like about them? What did they do that hurt you? And compare those lists to your previous relationships. Do you see any patterns? Again, your suppressed feelings towards your opposite sex parent, will often not surface relative to the parent themselves, but instead will surface in your relationships towards the women or men you’re romantically involved with. For example, a woman may have suppressed their rage at being abandoned by their father, so they don’t feel that fear and rage when they think of him, but that rage will instead surface and be expressed towards every man she becomes romantically or sexually involved with.
The most important part about the Oedipus complex however, is about our relationship with fate. Sometimes we believe negative things to be true and unavoidable to such a degree that no one can convince us otherwise. This occurs when our problems have become so much a part of us, that they are now a part of our personality. When this is the case, our fate has been decided; and anything we do to try to escape that fate brings that fate ever closer. If you struggle against fate, it wraps its coils around you even tighter than before. For example, if we were rejected by one of our parents as a child, we may do everything we can do to avoid being rejected in the future. And in the process, our fear may make us so difficult to be around, that people won’t want to be around us. And so, we have ensured that our inevitable fate is that people will reject us.
We suppress our pain relative to our childhood relationships because we cannot change them; we simply have to live with them. But when we suppress something, it becomes part of our personality. To try to ignore or deny a problem that is part of one’s personality is impossible. This only suppresses it and ingrains it into the personality further. To try to overcome a problem that is part of one’s personality is to turn part of yourself against another part of yourself. By trying to overcome a problem that is part of your personality, you are unintentionally waging war with yourself. And when we resist something, it persists. We unintentionally commit ourselves by our thoughts, words and actions to the very fate we are trying desperately to avoid. This is the heart of neurosis. The defenses that we erect to protect us, create the very condition we are trying to avoid. Our resistance is so great and our problems have become an integral part of our personality to such a degree that we cannot align with what we want to create. We are locked into a creation pattern.
The remedy for intense resistance is counterintuitive. We must accept that whatever we are resisting, is our fate and find a way to approve of that fate. We need to understand what we are doing and why we are doing it, re visit the old, suppressed pain, express the feelings associated with it, and ultimately fully accept it as part of us. For example, if one of my parents made me believe that I was forsaken, I might believe that it is my fate to suffer. I identify with suffering even though I do everything I can think of to get happy. I’m desperate to get happy, but being unhappy is part of my personality. If I want to overcome that part of my personality, I will suffer for the rest of my life. The remedy is to accept that even though I try to be happy, I believe my fate is to suffer. I must accept that I will suffer for the rest of my life and find a way to genuinely approve of that. For example: If I am destined to suffer, then I can know that nothing has gone wrong if I do suffer, I can just let myself experience it. If I am destined to suffer, I will know exactly how to help people when they suffer. If I’m destined to suffer, the happy times will be much more meaningful to me. If I am destined to suffer, it means I am stronger than other people. If I’m destined to suffer, I will be full of compassion. If I am destined to suffer, I will be humble and that is an admirable quality. If I’m destined to suffer, I am experiencing so much contrast that my desires will be greater than most other people’s desires and so, my expansion will also be greater. I will be adding to universal expansion more than most people do, etc. Accepting one’s fate or despair, is not resignation. It is an acknowledgement that one cannot overcome what is part of the self. And the minute you do that, the coils of that fate loosen around you. And you are free from it.
We run from our feelings. We would do almost anything to avoid being in the now and moving towards the way we feel. Most processes are designed to change how we feel deliberately, so we can avoid being present with how we feel. It serves a purpose to know that you can deliberately change the way you feel, but it also serves a purpose to know that by being present with how you feel, the feeling changes on it’s own.
For most people on planet earth, when we have an experience or when something happens, let’s call this step 1. It causes us to form a belief, in other words, it causes us to tell a story about what happened and attach meaning to the experience. Let’s call this step 2. Then, our emotion reflects that story that we are telling ourselves. It reflects the thoughts we’re thinking about the experience. It causes us to feel certain ways; this is step 3. Then, that the emotion and the way we feel relative to the experience and the thoughts we were thinking as a result of the experience, cause us to take an action or exhibit a behavior. This is step 4. But most of us are not present with ourselves enough to recognize the thoughts we are thinking as a result of the experience or the emotions we’re feeling. We do not take time to be present with them. Instead, we jump straight from the experience to the behavior. Here’s an example:
Step 1. I get into an argument with my boyfriend or girlfriend.
Step 2. This causes me to tell stories (which are beliefs systems) like this: It is always like this; They are going to leave me, I’m not going to end up with anyone, I’m going to die alone, guys are such ass holes, women are such bitches etc.
Step 3. Your emotion and your feelings reflect those stories. You feel depressed, hopeless, or maybe panicked.
Step 4. That emotion translates to a sensation in your body, and an uncomfortable one. So you try to get away from it as fast as you can. So you drink alcohol, or cut yourself or binge eat.
The thing is, this process happens so fast that you most likely did not even notice steps 2 and 3. And you sure as hell did not take time to be present with step 2 or 3, enough to recognize the thoughts or to intentionally move deeper into the emotions and feelings that were present with you as a result of the experience. Instead, you got into a fight with your girlfriend or boyfriend and you immediately skipped step two and three and jumped straight to drinking alcohol or cutting yourself or binge eating. But true healing, comes from step 2 and step 3. We have the opportunity to heal our thought patterns and change our stories, so we are attracting different experiences into our life. And, we have the opportunity to be present with the way we feel, so the feeling moves and is transformed.
We have been telling a lie for many years in the spiritual and self-help community. The lie is: there is only ever bliss in the now. This causes so many of us to think that we are not in the now if we aren’t feeling bliss when we come into the present moment. The truth is, there can be a great many feelings and sensations in the present moment that do not feel good. For example, if we loose a loved one and we come into the present moment, we my have a tightening, sinking feeling in our chest that can be identified as the feeling of grief. The only thing that is present in the moment, is feeling. The stories and beliefs that we tell about those feelings, take us out of the present moment. They are stories about you and about me, about the future and about the past. They are not now.
There is a difference between emotion and feeling. Feeling is a state of consciousness where you are perceiving. It is a state of awareness. And that which you perceive, translates as a sensation. In the physical world that sensation is translated through our sensory organs of sight, sound, touch, taste, smell and perhaps most importantly, as emotions. Feelings, being a state of consciousness, extend beyond the physical body. This is why you still have feelings while having out of body experiences. The conscious ego interprets those feelings and turns them into meaning. Such as this feeling means this and this feeling means that. This feeling means I need to run away or this feeling means I have done something wrong or this feeling means I like him or her. Emotions however, are limited to the physical dimension. They are the byproduct of thinking a thought, which causes the body to release hormones and neurotransmitters, which cause reactions or sensations within the body that you experience as a temporary emotion such as happy or scared. They are a feedback system for your body; much like the gas gauge on your car. Emotions are only a part of feelings. They are a byproduct of feelings. Remember that feelings are a perceptive state of consciousness. When you feel your emotions, you are perceiving your own physiological reaction to (translation of) your thoughts. And your thoughts dictate your vibration. So when you are feeling your emotions, you are perceiving your body’s translation of your vibration.
One of the major problems with the way we deal with mental health in our modern world is that we try to help people escape from feelings. This is why we numb them out with prescription pills. We do not understand that those feelings serve a purpose, many in fact. We don’t understand that by moving into the feelings, they will transform on their own. And we tell people that the reason they feel the way they feel, is because their brain is defective. This could not be further from the truth.
There is another lie that we tell ourselves, the lie is that we have to consciously do something proactive to change the way we feel in the moment. The truth is, we don’t. All we need to do is release resistance to the feelings we feel and emotions we feel. How do we do that? By moving into our feelings in the present moment. If you observe a feeling, and let yourself be conscious of feeling it, it always changes on it’s own. Then, our only job is to follow the way it changes, drop into that new feeling and breathe into the new feeling. And when that new feeling changes, we simply follow it again and consciously let ourselves feel and breathe into that new feeling. We do this until the feeling changes into something we can identify as a positive, better feeling sensation.
Belief systems and stories are mental constructs. They are the ego interpreting and translating experiences and feelings into meaning. They pull us away from the very in the moment feelings that they produce. So, it is important to know that there is a difference between the thoughts you’re thinking and the feelings you are feeling before attempting this process. You can do this process whenever a feeling comes up, wherever it comes up. And you can do this with your eyes closed or open. Just stop what you’re doing. Turn your focus towards the sensations in your being right here and now. Be with that feeling. What does that feeling feel like, what does it look like? Describe it to yourself mentally. Don’t deliberately do anything to change it. Stay with it and notice it shifting. If it does not shift, give it some room to shift by breathing into the feeling and/or expanding the sensation outwards into the room, so it is both inside you, and you are surrounded by it. It will transform on it’s own. Then, your job is purely to chase or follow each sensation as it shifts, as many times as it does shift until you arrive at a feeling in the present moment that feels good to experience.
You can use emotion to help you to step into the feeling by naming the emotion and then describing how that emotion feels in your body. So let’s say you feel sad, ask yourself what does sadness feel like in my body?
If your mind takes over and tries to tell you a story about what it is feeling, or if you get lost in mental imagery instead of paying attention to the actual sensations in your body, don’t try to go back to the last thing you were focused on before your mind took over, instead just come back to the present moment again and place your attention on the new sensation that is current in your being and continue the process from that place.
Here is an example of what this process may look like:
What feeling am I feeling in my body?
What does panic feel like in my body?
It feels like the inside of my body is buzzing. I feel a heart beat in the center of my stomach. It is very heavy. It looks like a metal ball sitting in the pit of my stomach.
Just sit with that feeling and that image and breathe into it.
Notice how it changes, what does it change into? How does that new feeling feel in my body?
It turned into blackness, a feeling of emptiness, it is like being in a closet but I can’t see the walls because there is no light that is getting in.
How does it feel in my body to feel the darkness in that black closet?
It feels lonely
How does loneliness feel in my body?
It feels empty, like a dull, frightening ache in my muscles
Just let myself be with that feeling of the empty ache in my muscles, let myself experience it, stay with it, and breathe into it.
What is it turning into now? What does the feeling feel like now?
What does confusion feel like in my body?
It feels dizzy like I’m spinning. My throat feels heavy and constricted, my rib cage feels too small.
Let myself experience that sensation, just be in it, letting myself feel it and breathe into that feeling.
How is that feeling changing? What is it changing into?
It isn’t changing!
Expand that sensation so it is not just in my body, it is also outside my body. Breathe it into the room so that it is both inside of me and outside of me. This gives it space to transform.
I see calm ocean waves… I know why I’m seeing ocean waves, when I was little I got really confused when my parents were arguing and I ran to the ocean and I immediately felt better!
Now my mind is pulling me out of the present moment of how I feel in my body by asking me to get lost in a story. Come back to my body, not the image of the ocean waves, what am I feeling feeling in my body?
What does relief feel like in my body?
It feels like my chest and stomach are opening. It feels like the energy is moving out of my arms and legs. I feel my throat opening up
Just stay with that sensation. What is it turning into?
I see the image of hot buttered corn.
What does that feel like in my body?
It feels like contentment, like my whole body is getting lighter. My heart is moving forward like it wants to experience the world. My body feels warmth like sunshine, especially across my back.
If you closed your eyes, open them. Notice how you feel better now than you did when you started the exercise.
Some of the feelings and sensations you experience will be ineffable; so don’t worry if you cannot describe them. The point is not to be able to describe them; the point is to let yourself feel them and experience them. The prerogative of this exercise is to follow the sensations one by one as they shift until you find yourself in a feeling state that feels good. And if you happen to decide to chase the feeling states one by one as far as they can go, eventually you will arrive at a state where no superficial feeling exists in the now. You will merely be left with the feeling of the unified, timeless consciousness of source… What many call “The Mighty I Am Presence”.
For some of us, when the sensation itself shifts, we will be able to follow the shift in sensation alone. But for those of us that are especially trapped in the mind, and in the mental process, each transition and feeling will be preceded by a visual image. The point is to then ask yourself how that visual image makes you feel in your body. The only way to transform a feeling is to actually stay with the sensation of that feeling in the body. We can’t do this if we get lost in the visual image that represents the feeling or in the meaning of the visual images that are attached to the feeling, because it is a kind of avoidance of feeling the actual feeling.
At the root of all impulse behaviors is an unwillingness to be with the feeling that is evoking the behavior. Being with the feeling, is the way to slow down enough to gain control over the behavior. It is very important for personal growth to know that your feelings do not own you. They are just feelings. There is no feeling that cannot be transformed by moving into it with the focus of consciousness. You can’t change from a state of resistance to a state of non-resistance unless you move into the feeling of resistance within you. When you do not resist the feeling directly and you do not run away from the feeling (which is also resistance), the feeling has no power over you. It becomes nothing more than a perception. It becomes nothing more than information. By doing this process, you will find that your being is the observer, perceiver and translator of those feelings. Your being isn’t the feelings themselves, any more than it is at the mercy of those feelings.
Whether you are self-help junkie, or a spiritual connoisseur, or just someone who is curious to hear another perspective on life, one thing is for sure, if you are reading this article, you like the idea of self-improvement. But how do we accomplish this improvement? Everyone seems to have a different answer. But most of these self-improvement techniques don’t work. And they don’t work for one giant reason. They put you at war with yourself. They pit one aspect of yourself against another aspect of yourself. Have you ever noticed that it feels like you cannot overcome your problems no matter how hard you try? Well I’m here to tell you today that you cannot overcome your problems because; you cannot overcome what is inside yourself or part of yourself. As soon as you identify with something, it IS you. And from that point forward, to try to overcome those things, is to put one part of you at war with another part of yourself. Even negative traits (which are part of you) can never be eradicated from you. They can only be transformed into their highest aspect.
When we suppress our emotions, which all of us must do at one point or another in our early lives, those suppressed emotions become part of our personality. Our problems become part of our personality. And as soon as they become part of our personality, they become part of our identity. We begin to see them as ourselves. Resisting any aspect of yourself is asking for emotional disaster. It is self-hate. Regardless of whether you resist something positive within yourself or negative within yourself, it is self-hate, and therefore it is self-destruction. So what is the solution? The solution is Exaltation. The concept of exaltation is an ancient alchemy concept. Simply put, to exalt something is to transform something into its highest spiritual aspect. For example, the old alchemists thought that the exalted form of metal was gold. If we are to live better lives, where we are not continually made unhappy by our negative personality traits, we must take each personality trait we do not like and first recognize it within ourselves. We must then accept it by both owning it and finding a way to approve of it. And then we must find a way to amplify that personality trait into it’s most in alignment or exalted expression. Here’s an example of exaltation: Let’s say I felt unloved as a child, and was punished for trying to get the love I needed. I suppressed those feelings of resentment and powerlessness. Over the years, the powerlessness and resentment has become part of my personality. It has caused me to exhibit certain chronic behaviors. Chief among those behaviors, it has caused me to be an energy vampire. Because I believe I am not allowed to ask for the things I need, I manipulate people so I can get the energy I need from them. This personality trait is so much a part of me, that one could say it is part of my personality. I cannot overcome this problem and I can’t eradicate it from my personality. It is part of who I am now. So, my only choice is to take that negative personality trait and make that same personality trait into something positive. Because I am an energy vampire, I am a master at manipulating energy. I could become a brilliant energy worker. I have the capability of consciously pulling in negative energy and transmuting it inside my own body. This means I can feed off of illness and discordant energy rather than stealing life force from people’s bodies. I can manipulate energy to heal people. Also, being an energy vampire, I am a master at mental chess. I play mind games with people. So, the highest aspect of that trait (what we call the exalted aspect) is to play mind games with people that benefit them. I could become a brilliant counselor or psychologist. I could outsmart other people’s egos and help them to see things about themselves that they are totally unaware of.
Describe yourself. What problems do you have? What do you feel are the negative parts of your personality? Be very honest about what traits you don’t like about yourself. Once you have your list, spend some serious time thinking about what the highest and best use of those traits could be. What is the positive exalted form of those negative traits?
Maybe I am dark. The exalted form of being dark could be that I am a brilliant shadow worker. I am a seasoned veteran when it comes to working with the subconscious and with the thoughts that scare people. I can guide people into bringing awareness to and healing whole parts of themselves that they have been trying to avoid. Also, dark energy is powerfully captivating because it frightens people. I can embrace that energy instead of trying to lighten myself up and use it to capture people’s attention and break them out of the monotony of their lives. Maybe I am anxious. The exalted form of being anxious could be that I am sensitive to the energies around me. I could be a talented interior decorator because I can feel the way that energy moves around a room. I am sensitive to the placement of objects and the influence that colors have on our emotions. I could design homes for people that made them feel exactly how they want to feel upon coming home.
Maybe I am a bully. Bullies push people. The exalted form of being a bully could be that I push people to be their best. I embrace my forceful energy and use it in situations where people could benefit by that force, such as when someone needs especially strong encouragement. Bullies establish dominance within a social group. The exalted version of this dominance is leadership. I embrace my leadership ability and take charge when other people feel as if they need direction. I take initiative. I can rally people to cooperating with one another. Exalting your negative personality traits and problems is not about going to war with yourself. It is profoundly self hating and counterproductive to want to rid yourself of those traits. It is resistant and whatever we resist, persists. So the key to solving your problems is to find the highest and best use for those so-called negative traits. Fall in love with what you hate about yourself. Turn metal into gold on an internal level. Embrace and own the person that you are. Quit trying to turn yourself into something or someone else.
Self help experts (like myself) all offer a plethora of tools that people can use to help themselves. Each one claims that their tool is “the end all be all”. But the truth is, that is the same as claiming that a hammer is “the end all be all”. Sometimes a hammer isn’t the tool you need. Sometimes a screwdriver is the tool you need. The key to living a successful life is to personalize your toolbox.
We are meant to fill our toolbox with the individual tools that we have collected, which work for us personally. We are afraid to personalize our toolbox because we are afraid of using the wrong tool for the situation that we find ourselves in. We’re afraid of trying new tools because we trust other people more than we trust ourselves. We trust them, instead of ourselves when they say that one tool will work for something and another wont. There are so many spiritual teachers and self help guides that teach that tool you need when you are suffering, is the tool of “present moment awareness”. But the truth is, that is not the only tool that works for suffering. And there are some tools that can be better for certain kinds of suffering, such as anxiety and worry. If we suffer from anxiety or worry, we most likely suffer from the lack of a basic human need; the human need called certainty. Certainty means the inner knowing that we have the power to avoid pain and gain pleasure. Most people, who suffer from anxiety, feel as if they have no control over whether they suffer or whether they feel pleasure. Their bodies register a feeling of dread relative to the future because of it. They anticipate suffering in the future. Bringing the attention of someone who is anxious or worried into the present moment can work wonders for some. But it can be useless for others. For some, it works much better to change the way they are focusing towards the future. It is a very unconventional spiritual tool to intentionally spend time focusing on the future. But for some people, it can make all the difference in the world. This is especially true if you suffer from morning anxiety (which so many people do). If you dread the future, which you do if you lack a sense of certainty and thus suffer from anxiety or worry, one of the best tools to use is a tool called “Things To Look Forward To”. It is especially good for reducing suicidal feelings. Using this tool is very simple, every day, simply set aside time to write a list of things to look forward to about the next day. If you like, you can include things on this list of things to look forward to about the near future as well. This will change the sense of dread into a sense of anticipation. It gets your energy moving forward in life. Do you remember how it used to feel on Christmas Eve as a child? If you use this tool regularly enough, it is common for every day to start feeling like this. This is not escapism. This is intentionally creating your life. The “Things To Look Forward To” tool is especially beneficial when you do it before you go to sleep at night. Before you fall asleep, write a list of things to look forward to (things you will enjoy experiencing) about the next day. If you cannot find something to look forward to about the next day, it is time to change your life. Create things to look forward to. This is the reason humans invented holidays! Even though people use holidays to give themselves just enough relief to keep the rest of their lives miserable and unfulfilled, holidays are not in and of themselves bad. Holidays can provide just enough anticipatory excitement needed to raise your vibration. In a perfect world though, people would treat every day like a holiday. People would design their lives so that they had things to look forward to about each on coming day.
Here is an example of a list of “Things To Look Forward To”:
Drinking hot tea when I first wake up before the sun comes up
Hearing my cat purr and touching his soft fur
Writing a new blog entry
Watching a romantic comedy
Going to my business lunch with my marketing director and hearing great new ideas about how to expand the business
Depositing money I made in the bank
Shopping for a new coffee table
Spending time in the hot tub
Watching my son’s face as I read him books
Taking the dogs on a walk and skipping rocks in the water
Making a spelt crust rhubarb pie
Playing board games with my friends
Listening to my new songs on Pandora
Starting a new painting
Laying underneath my warm blankets before I go to sleep
Going to the mailbox to see what came in the mail
Going to see my somatic body work therapist
Putting on my makeup in a new way
Feeding the fish and watching them contentedly swim after the food
Watching the number of “likes” increase on my face book posts after I post something.
The things you put on this list do not have to be big things. They can be small things to look forward to. Just make sure that anything you put down on this list, you are genuinely looking forward to. If you can’t find anything that you’re looking forward to already, ask yourself what experience you would most enjoy to have, and plan that experience for the next day. If you compose the list before you go to sleep, you may find it helpful to read the list in the morning. You will find that your mood will increase, you will want to experience life and pretty soon, there will be nothing to dread. Instead, you will be well along the way to creating within yourself, a sense of certainty.
As spiritual people, we talk about fear and the ego, as if it were evil. As if it were a bad thing. Most spiritual people are ashamed of their fear. But without fear, there would be no reason to be alive. We cannot banish and condemn fear without banishing and condemning expansion and enlightenment and love. The truth is, without fear, and without ego, we could never know who and what we really are. Truth can only be known, if we know what is not truth. Truth can only be seen if we see illusion. And so, illusion must be created. Love is the vibration of source (also called god). To know itself, source had to create what was not source. It had to create the illusion of not itself. And vibrationally, that is fear. The vibration that source holds is love. Fear is the opposite vibration of love. It is the absence of love. In other words, fear is the opposite of god and of truth and of love.
We are here because god wanted to know itself. It is doing this through each and every desire that is being birthed from every perspective that has ever, does and will ever exist. When we fear, Source knows what it isn’t and therefore, Source knows what it is. Fear is useful; it is the tool of expansion. But we spend our time running around the world trying to prevent ourselves from what we fear. We design our lives so that we don’t have to feel fear. But whatever we resist persists. It chases us into the corner. We have no choice but to stare it down, because we cannot run away from it. By running away from fear, minimizing it, or pushing through it, we are trying to prevent the very most useful tool we have, a tool that keeps lovingly offering itself to us, the tool, which wants so badly to help us to find out the truth and to feel love.
The ultimate truth is that fear is illusion. Life is designed to strip illusion from you. And so, life is designed to strip fear from you. It does this by bringing you face to face with your fears again and again, until you have no choice but to face them and release your resistance to them. It does this until you have no choice but to become fearless. Once you have become fearless, you are free from illusion and life no longer serves a purpose because you have discovered truth. You could never know love without fear You could never know truth without fear You could never know oneness without fear You could never know god without fear. You would be oblivious to yourself without fear God would be oblivious to itself without fear. Fear is the greatest tool of awareness that has ever existed. Fear is not your enemy. Do not be ashamed of it. All beings in existence feel it. You could not know truth and you could not feel love without the contrast of fear. It is the tool that is serving your expansion the very most. Fear always means there is something that needs to be looked at, and something to be learned. People who ignore fear are glorified in this world. Ignoring and glossing over fear is different than taking a good look at fear, and using it to base your decisions off of self love instead of fear itself or rationalization. In spiritual communities, we know that fear is illusion. But we then leap to the conclusion that fear is not valid. Because of this, we have the tendency to ignore or minimize our fear. We have the tendency to ignore or minimize and red flags that go off in our emotions, mind and bodies and a lot of people get into trouble because of it, especially women. Spiritual people especially tens to ignore their fear when it comes to other people. Let’s get real for a minute; some people are caught in patterns that make it so that they do not have good intentions towards other people. And some of us are still a vibrational match to those kinds of people. When we meet these people, our nervous system alerts us that this is the case. But we are taught to unconditionally love other people and so, we ignore the fact that our internal guidance system is alerting us with fear. We do not heed our emotional guidance system. We do not look at what it is trying to tell us and examine the fear we have. Instead we try to focus on anything that minimizes the fear.
Deliberate positive focus can be detrimental in these circumstances. It can be a form of escapism. Fear is designed to keep the ego existing. Without that basic survival system in place, we would not last in the physical dimension long enough to learn. No more expansion can be experienced if we are dead. A spiritual person’s internal guidance system, would alert them with fear if a truck was barreling towards them. But most of us think that the truly spiritually advanced person would stand there and transcend their fear and bend reality, so the truck did not hit them instead of jumping out of the way of the truck. To jump out of the way of the truck, is to let fear and therefore the ego get the better of them. Really? Just play that scenario through your head again. Is it really self loving to expect this from yourself? Does your fear serve a positive purpose here? Or is it out to get the better of you?
Sexual and emotional predators love spiritual women. They love spiritual women, because our beliefs lower our boundaries. They increase our tolerance for other people’s problems, including abusive behaviors. They love spiritual women because our own beliefs tie our hands. We cannot be good compassionate people unless we unconditionally love even the people that hurt us, and even the people who scare us. We have to ignore our fear with regards to these people or else we are hypocritical.
Believe me when I tell you that your fear is part of your internal guidance system. It always has something valuable to tell you. You should always listen to fear. Listening to fear does not mean you have to live your life at the mercy of fear; just the opposite. Just because you have an emotion does not mean you have to act on that emotion. You simply have an opportunity to explore and question and seriously consider each emotion including fear. Spiritual teachings are frustrating because they seem contradictory. That is because spiritual teachings are directed at a multi dimensional universe. The rules change on each dimension. What is true from one dimension is not necessarily true for the next. On one dimensional level, fear is illusion created for the purpose of expansion. On another dimensional level, fear is a valuable tool, which can teach you, keep you safe and keep you alive. On the third dimensional level, which is the dimension you are focused into in order to live this physical life, fear alerts you to the following: There is a self loving decision that needs to be made. Examine your fear. Make self-loving decisions as a result of examining your fear. Maybe if you fear speaking in public, upon examination you’ll find that it is self-loving to go through with it and speak in public. Maybe you’ll find that it is self-loving to not go through with speaking in public. But NEVER I repeat, NEVER ignore it, undermine it, minimize it, gloss over it, downplay it or force yourself through it.
Fear is not something to be ashamed of. We cannot condemn fear without simultaneously condemning the fact that we are alive. It is part of being alive. Fear is valuable. Take every opportunity where you feel fear, to step into the feeling of the fear, explore it. Bring awareness to it. And question it fully.
If you have spent any time exploring the world of spirituality or self-help, you have most likely discovered that spiritual teachings and spiritual teachers themselves can be frustrating because they present such contradictory teachings. For example, the teaching of “fill your own cup” contradicts the teaching of “ask for help, this is an interdependent universe”. The teaching of “fear is harmful because it is an illusion and it is ego” contradicts the teaching of “fear is a valuable tool, it allows you to have awareness and to make self loving decisions”. The teaching of “focus positively” contradicts the teaching of “do your shadow work”. The teaching of “be in the state of allowing” contradicts the teaching of “take initiative and create your own reality”. The teaching of “you’re perfect just the way you are” contradicts the teaching of “take responsibility for your life and your own problems by committing to self improvement”. The teaching of “love your enemy and be unconditionally loving” contradicts the teaching of “separate yourself from those who contribute to your suffering and surround yourself instead with supportive people (Sangha)”. The teaching of “set healthy boundaries” contradicts the teaching of “there is no separation, the basic truth of this universe is oneness”. You get the point. So, which teaching is right and which teaching is wrong? The answer is both are true. Everyone has a different opinion about what “truth” is, because truth is subjective and this is a multi dimensional universe.
Spiritual teachings are contradictory because spiritual teachings must take into account a multi dimensional universe. The rules change on each dimension. What is true for one dimension is not necessarily true for the next. On one dimensional level, fear is illusion created for the purpose of expansion. On another dimensional level, fear is a real and valuable tool, which can teach you and keep you safe. Teachings are only valuable relative to a person’s current vibration. This means that depending on your vibration, a teaching will either cause you to vibrate lower or vibrate higher. This is especially true of the third dimension, which was created to be the most contrasting environment from source itself. Most of what we experience here, is intended to be illusion. So even the appearance of the third dimension (separation and individuality) which is very much true for the third dimension, is false for the higher dimensions of this universe, where no separation or individuality actually exists. So which is true? Both! Depends on the angle you’re looking at life from.
Some of you may have seen the video created this last week by Spirit Science, which deals with the self help analogy of filling up your own cup. It is a spiritual teaching that I, myself am quite fond of. The idea behind it is that if you learn how to love yourself and get happiness for yourself, then that energy will flow over to other people and you will no longer wander the earth trying to get other people to fill up your cup. Spirit Science suggested that the fill up your own cup teaching is a harmful teaching because it causes people to feel alone and responsible to do everything for themselves in a universe that is actually interdependent. Spirit Science also suggested that there is no “cup” (separate identity) because we are all made of the same energy. And that indeed the very thing we need is support and help from each other. Are they wrong? No. They are right. But so am I. How can this be, when it seems to be such a contradiction? It is because we are teaching to people who are at a different vibrational level. The people who will resonate with my teaching (pro fill up your own cup) are those who are feeling powerless to other people. Other people are failing to meet their needs. On top of that, they are self less people who are self sacrificers; people for whom it was never ok to do anything for themselves. The only way they could get their cup to fill up was through the gratitude of others or through approval from others. And so, a step up vibrationally speaking, is to believe that it is ok to be selfish. That it is ok to do things that make you happy, and that instead of this meaning that you’ll be a bad person, it means that you’ll be overflowing with so much love, that it will spill out to others. To these people, this teaching will feel empowering.
The people, who will resonate with Spirit Science’s teaching, are those who feel overwhelmed by “having to do it all alone”; those who feel isolated and as if the weight of the world is on their shoulders. Those who feel guilty about getting help and love from others. And so, a step up vibrationally speaking is to believe that this is an interdependent universe, and that getting help from others is not only ok, but also essential. To these people, it will benefit them to focus on the truth that nothing separates them from others. To these people, this teaching will feel provide a sense of relief. Thought these teachings seem contradictory, they are not. They are directed at people with two different vibrational set points.
The objective truth relative to this fill your cup argument is that this is an interdependent universe and so, there really is no separation between us and other people (there is no cup); but in the third dimension, we experience our individual perspectives and beings and we end up miserable if we need other people to fulfill us. They always fail at it, so it is crucial to learn how to love ourselves if we are to be happy (there is a cup).
This idea that contradictory things can both be true, is easily seen when we examine emotion. We all know that the optimal state to be in is forgiveness and love. But knowing that and expecting ourselves to be there in that state, is not going to make us miraculously feel loving or forgiving. To someone who is feeling powerless and guilty, anger will be a vibrational improvement. So, listening to angry music will feel good for them. Does that mean that it is good to listen to angry music? Yes. To someone who is feeling optimistic and in love, anger is a vibrational decrease. So, listening to angry music will feel bad to them. Does that mean that is bad to listen to angry music? Yes. So whether it is good or bad to listen to angry music, depends on where you are vibrationally.
We need to let go of truth, because truth is subjective. We need to start caring more about how things feel to us personally. If we feel relief and follow our joy, we will find whatever spiritual teaching is right for the vibration that we are currently in. Listen to the spiritual teacher that makes you feel good. That is your internal guidance system telling you that the vibration they are offering you, is an improvement on your current vibration. This is why it is so important to create your own religion just for you, made up of all the teachings that work for you personally. We need to be honest about whether or not those teachings actually do benefit us. But no one can know whether they are or are not beneficial for you. We all may have our opinions, but no one is right about you… but you.
Is it true that if we are in alignment, we will be unconditionally loving towards others? Yes. But the teaching of “be unconditionally loving” can get us into a lot of trouble if we haven’t learned how to love ourselves yet. If we don’t love ourselves, we may still be a vibrational match to people who don’t treat us well. If we try to be unconditionally loving towards them and prescribe to the teaching of oneness, then we may keep ourselves in detrimental situations to our well being. So is it true that to be self-loving, sometimes means to separate yourself from other people and stand up for yourself? Yes. We need to take into account the fact that we are all at different vibrational levels. What is downstream for one person, may be upstream for another. Some of the highest objective truths inherent in this universe, which apply to the higher dimensional levels, are literally harmful to someone who is in a particularly low vibration.
It is simply impossible to find a spiritual teacher who is able to teach one, solid, non contradictory truth that will help all people on earth. This is what everyone keeps looking for though. But you wont find it. Because this means you’d have to ignore your own internal guidance system and trust someone else. And you’d have to ignore what is right for you right now to accept what is right in general as solid unwavering truth. No good spiritual teacher is going to harm you by asking you to replace your internal knowing of what is right for you right now for his or her particular truth. The best spiritual teachers cast teachings out into the world for people from all different vibrational set points to find. Think of them like tools dropped from a plane onto a deserted island that will benefit someone from wherever they currently are vibrationally. It is up to us to allow the universe to lead us to those tools and it is up to us to know which tool or teaching feels useful to us for whatever project we currently have in mind.
Feeling lost is a common problem amongst people today. And it is a common problem for one reason, people have been taught to ignore their internal guidance systems. And what is your internal guidance system exactly? Your feelings and your emotions. Think of your emotions like a compass or a navigation system in your car that tells you everything you need to know about yourself and about your desires and about navigating the world and making choices. When you ignore your emotions, or prioritize other things than the way you feel, it is like going on an expedition in uncharted territory with no compass. Your mind will never tell you what is true for you, only your feelings can tell you that. So, if you are disconnected from your own feelings and emotions, you are disconnected from the truth of you. This means you will feel unknown and like a stranger to yourself. When we say “The truth of you”, what we mean are things like, what you enjoy and what you don’t enjoy, what resonates with you, what you are thinking, what you believe, and most of all, what you really want, need and desire. These things are the only real accurate measure of who you really are in this life.
Now pretend you started ignoring your internal guidance system over twenty years ago, when you were very young. How far off track do you think you could get in twenty years? Potentially you could have gone so astray from the truth of yourself that you have had to tune out your emotional guidance system all together. Perhaps you went so far astray that you now experience numbness. When you do something that is not in alignment with your own personal truth, your emotional guidance system starts alerting you, (just like a navigation system in a car) that you have missed your exit. It does so, with the use of negative emotion. In order to continue in the direction you are going, you need to tune out to your emotional guidance system. You have to be listening to something other than your own guidance system. Maybe it is another person (like your parents) that you’re listening to, maybe it is a coach, maybe it is a friend, maybe it is society at large that you are listening to… either way, your thoughts (which are not the same thing as your feelings) have been swayed by them and you aren’t listening to yourself. It’s like taking duct tape and taping over the top of your compass and turning the volume down on your navigation system. You will experience this perpetual ignoring of your emotions as a deadening or a numbing within yourself. The good news is, your compass never stops pointing north. Your navigation system never stops talking to you, no matter how far down you have turned the volume or how much duct tape you’ve used. So all you have to do to get un-lost is to tune back into your feelings and emotions. All you have to do is begin to listen to your feelings instead of your thoughts. And be very honest with yourself (even at the risk of hurting other people) about your own personal truth.
Most of us were raised in a punishment and reward parenting setting. This means, when we were children, we learned that the only way we could get love, was to be good. We want to be good people so badly that we forsake our own truth (our desires and true personality) to make other people happy. We think that this is what makes us good. Really, it just makes us lost. If you are lost, you have cared (or still do care) much more about other people feeling good than you care about yourself feeling good. You have had to get what you want in round about ways instead of in straightforward ways. And ironically, this means that you line up with people who do not actually resonate with you, so you will feel fundamentally flawed. You know on some level that you are surrounded by people who are nothing like you and who would most likely reject the truth of who you really are if they only knew it. So you begin to not only feel lost, you begin to also feel alone. You do not know that if you allowed yourself to tune back into how you feel and re connect with yourself and your own personal truth (because would no longer be in the vibration of self rejection), you would begin to attract people into your life who truly do resonate with you, and who would be in total approval of your own personal truth, no matter what that is.
Anyone who is lost suffers from a deeply suppressed story of self-rejection. And when we are in a space of self-rejection, we can only attract people who reject the truth of who we are. This means, if we are gay, we will be be surrounded by religious fundamentalists who hate gays. This means if we are afraid of intimacy, we will attract all kinds of people who need us and pull at us for intimacy. This means if we crave intimacy, we will attract all kinds of people who are independent and whom don’t want to give their time and energy to us. This means, if you are an artist, you will be surrounded by people who are practical nine to five workers, who constantly put down irrational, impractical, irresponsible people who think it’s appropriate to follow their heart. You get the point… But the sad part is, because of this rejection that we feel from the people around us (which ultimately stems from our own rejection of our own truth as children in order to fit into the world we were raised in), we begin to feel as if there is something fundamentally wrong with us.
If we are out of touch with the way we feel and disconnected from our own truth, pretty soon we cannot figure out what we like and don’t like. We cannot figure out why we are doing what we are doing or how we ended up where we ended up. It’s as if we just let ourselves float into a tide and drifted here, to wherever this is. Emotionally, it will literally feel as if we have “drifted” or are “drifting”. This, along with emotional numbness, is the emotional hallmark of feeling lost.
Here are Ten Tips for how to go from lost to found.
Tune back into your emotions and express your emotions. Do a body scan. When you have tuned out and disconnected from your emotions, tuning back into the feelings and sensations in your body is the first place to start. Do a body scan. Close your eyes and start with your head, moving all the way down to your feet. As you do this, just take note of and be present with the feelings in your body. Try to describe them. Try to identify them. Print out a list of emotions and see if you can identify the sensation translation of that emotion in your body. Then ask yourself why you think you might be feeling that way. If you have a problem following your emotional guidance system (which you do if you’re lost), set a timer to go off at random intervals during the day and do a body scan to check in with how you’re feeling. Record the results in a feelings log or a journal. I have designed a process called “follow the feeling” (you can watch it on you tube) that is beneficial for being with your emotions. After you have tuned into your emotions, express your emotions. They are telling you vital information. Let them tell their story. I have also designed a process for expressing emotions. You can also watch that process on you tube under the title “how to express emotions”. Do this process any time you feel a strong negative emotion arising within your body.
Discover your feeling of inspiration and passion. Those vibrations are the opposite of the vibration of being lost. Most of us do not do things in our day-to-day life (especially in our work life) that truly make us passionate. We get too busy for passion. We lie to ourselves and say that the bills are more important than how we feel, or that a goal we have set is more important than how we feel. We allow our minds and the damaging beliefs that our minds are run by, to rule our being over the way we truly feel. This means, illusion will be running your life, not truth. Dare to admit to what you feel passionate about. And if you think you need money first to do what you’re passionate about, you’re listening to your mind, which is currently lying to you. It is lying to you because your abundance will only flow to you, as a result of you being in alignment and you are only in alignment when you’re feeling passion and joy.
If you don’t know what you’re passionate about, it’s time to try new things. Try anything that captures your fancy and pay attention to how you feel doing those things. If you feel good, keep doing them. If you feel negative, don’t keep doing them. Take that pottery class you’ve always wanted to take. Go surfing. Buy that book on accounting. You don’t have to stick with anything. Trust me, if you truly enjoy something, you will never have to force yourself to “stick with it” because it will feel bad not to do that thing. You will be intrinsically motivated to do those things. Bottom line is, you’ve got to start looking for, recognizing and following your passion. Your purpose will only be known to you if you’re willing to follow your passion. And all people who feel lost, feel a lack of purpose and meaning for their existence.
Ask yourself why you are doing what you are doing and why you feel what you are feeling. Personal inquiry should start and never stop if you feel lost. The more self-awareness you have, the less you will feel lost. Solicit help for this one as well. Psychologists, social workers, spiritual guides, life coaches are all adept at helping you to gain self awareness. You cannot have enough self-awareness, and this should be an absolute priority for you.
Gravitate towards social interaction with people who feel emotionally good to be around and whom you feel a deep level of connection and intimacy with. If our social lives are organized around sports, hobbies, work or the Internet, we lack the vital interpersonal support that is necessary to our emotional health. If your social interactions are limited to people who share the same job, sport or hobby, your conversations will most often be limited to that past time which you happen to both share. The sport or hobby or career will be your only point of relation. Because of this, your relationship will lack intimacy. To lack intimacy, is to not invite someone into your internal world. If you don’t invite people into your internal world, no one will love you for more than what you do.
Beware that your family may not necessarily provide this sense of deep internal connection any better than work colleagues do. We cannot form the vital interpersonal connections we need to live a healthy life, until we allow ourselves to prioritize and seek out people whom we feel deeply connected to. This will make you feel an intense sense of isolation, no matter how many people you are physically around. That internal sense of personality isolation, lends to the feeling of being lost. A big part of feeling lost, is to be fundamentally untethered to other people.
Quit distracting yourself from yourself. Distraction abounds in today’s world. But we use distraction to further numb out from our own personal truth. We try to escape the painful feelings of having gone off course somewhere by tuning it out with porn addictions, focusing on other peoples problems, setting goals, spending hours on face book, and becoming too busy. In fact busy-ness is the number one mode of distraction for people who feel lost. To not be busy, is to have to be with yourself. Being with yourself and being alone are two radically different things. And it is most likely, based on where you are in life right now that if you are really with yourself, all your bells and whistles will be going off. It will feel like chaos or a depressed emptiness when you are really with yourself, because your internal guidance system will be telling you “we’re off course”.
People, who feel lost, have a basic unwillingness to admit to where they are, because where they are is painful. If we are lost, we tend to say things like “I’m really good” when we aren’t. Or “I’m happy “ when we aren’t. Being in self denial may have been a the coping tool of choice when you were younger and had no choice but to deny your truth in order to fit into the family, but it is not a virtue to be in self denial. The only way you can find out where you want to go and how to get there from here is to admit to where you are, even if where you are sucks.
It doesn’t feel good to tune back into yourself when you’ve tuned out to yourself. In fact it feels like waking back up out of a sleep to the real trauma of a situation. It feels like admitting to the fact that your leg is broken instead of distracting yourself from the fact that it is broken. But the only way to heal and to feel better, is to admit to where we are and to be brave enough to be with ourselves wherever we are and really get to work finding ourselves and tuning back into the truth of how we feel and what we truly desire. So, what in your life serves as a distraction from yourself?
Invite meaning into your life. People, who feel lost, feel as if their life is void of meaning. Start looking into other people’s philosophies about the meaning of life. Try them on for size. Do any of them fit? Begin to question yourself about the meaning of life in general and the meaning of your life. What are you believing about the meaning of life? Does this belief system feel good to you or bad to you? If it feels bad, do you care more about your supposed truth or hunch (which you cannot actually prove or disprove because no one can) than feeling good? It is true that becoming attached to a belief system to the degree that you are unwilling to question it is harmful to your well-being. But forming a belief system that feels good to you personally is a crucial part of living a meaningful and happy life. It’s up to you whether you assign an empowering or a disempowering meaning to the events and circumstances of your life. Having a belief system that provides meaning for you life feels good, which is why people who feel lost so often find themselves joining religions and becoming so much happier afterwards. But I would suggest building your own personal religion just for you out of multiple beliefs that feel good to you personally. A belief system that provides meaning for your life, acts like a north star or an internal foundation that anchors you to your life. Being anchored to and guided through your life by a belief system that feels good to you is the opposite of being lost.
Do not be afraid of loosing yourself. Nothing has gone wrong. In fact it is a spiritual truth that you cannot find yourself until you become lost. So when you look at feeling or being lost in this way, like it is a turning point to find out whom you are and what you really want to do, you’ll have less resistance to being lost, so you wont be feeding energy to being lost and you wont stay lost for very long. You are closer to truly knowing yourself than most people who think they are not lost, but are. If you know you’re lost, you know where you are… you’re lost. If we know we are lost, we know that our mission in life is to find ourselves. And when we start looking for ourselves, we will find ourselves. Everything we do can add to our knowledge of our own personal truth, and ourselves if we would only pay attention and inquire into our reactions and feelings. Is it possible to go astray? No. If part of your expansion on this planet is to know yourself and gain self-awareness, then you can only do that by going astray. This means that going astray was part of the plan from the beginning, so has something gone wrong? No. Something has gone right. You cannot ever hope to find yourself and understand yourself until you have first become lost and misunderstood yourself.
Stop being cerebral about happiness. If we are out of touch with our emotions right here and now, we form cerebral concepts about how to achieve happiness. Goal setters are the people on this earth, who are perhaps the most cerebral about happiness. We think happiness means reaching goals. The minute we think this, we are willing to forfeit current happiness for future happiness. The only reason anyone does anything, is because they think it will make them feel better. In other words, the only reason we do anything is because we think it will make us happy. We think happiness means winning that gold medal, or making that amount of money, or moving to that place, or marrying that person. We externalize happiness by doing this. We have no idea if those things will make us happier. We only think they will. And the mind is usually (if not always) wrong about what will ultimately make us happy. We can only know what makes us happy in the moment we are in by listening to and following our positive feeling emotions. So take one day at a time. Quit worrying about your purpose. Quit obsessing over those things that are out there in the future, and start dealing with each individual day, as it comes. Are you currently trying to convince yourself that achieving some goal in the future will make you happy? If so, you have “cerebralized” your happiness and you are most likely ignoring or sacrificing happiness that is available to you right here and now, for the promise of future happiness.
Quit living cautiously. Life was not meant to be lived carefully. Letting self-doubt dictate your life, is a sure fire way to get lost. Now, you may not identify yourself as a cautious person. But if you’re lost, you are! You may not be cautious with finances, but you may be cautious with your heart and falling in love. You may not be cautious about getting close to people, but you’re cautious to try new things in your professional life. Cowardice prevents us from following our passions. Cowardice prevents us from finding ourselves and really being happy long term. We need to look our fear directly in the face. We need to examine it and understand it fully. The more we understand it, the less we fear what we currently fear and the easier it is to make self loving decisions that are not dictated by fear. You will begin to do what is right for you personally and that is to find yourself.
It's time for a realistic game plan. Sit down with a piece of paper and give it the title "finding myself". Itemize 10 steps you could take to become less lost. Once you've made your list, choose the top three things and actually follow through with them. Your list of remedies might include the following:
• Keep an every day feelings log
• Buy paints and start painting
• Say yes to going on a date with ________________.
• Open up to a friend who I trust about ____________.
• Read the book man’s search for meaning.
• Watch you tube videos about how to feel emotion or express emotion
• Read an article a day about feeling lost
• Start seeing a psychologist
• Every day, one time a day, prioritize something that makes me feel good right here and now, over a future goal that I’ve set for myself.
• Express my emotions every morning by waking up and writing down how I feel, even if it is incoherent and disorganized.
If you take these items seriously and act upon them, you will begin to regain your position in the scheme of life and and feel less lost. If you are lost, the honest truth of your life is that life is not clear to you. Instead, it is pretty dark. But remember, it is always darkest, before the dawn. And the light of the stars is only visible through the dark of night. When you stop struggling against what is (that you are currently lost), you are no longer in a state of resistance. And when you’re no longer in a state of resistance, answers start floating into your life and you will begin to really find yourself.
Those of us, who find our way to spirituality, usually have done so as the result of being in pain in some way. Our needs have not been met. We feel an empty dissatisfaction with life itself because of it. Most of us are also not strangers to self-abuse in its multitude of different forms. But even though we feel better once we find spiritual truths to live our life by, our ways have not completely changed. We use spiritual truths as a tool to beat ourselves with. And one of those spiritual truths that we use to torture ourselves with is sacred to us. It is the teaching of independent self-sufficiency. It is an appealing and beneficial thing to learn that we, alone create our own reality when we have believed that our lives are at the mercy of the circumstance we find ourselves in. And when we feel like victims to the reality we are currently living in. But after we experience the temporary improved feeling of that independent power, we feel the isolation that follows and the pressure to do it all on our own. The idea of independent self-sufficiency contradicts the universal truth that we are all one in the same way that hatred contradicts love.
The opposite vibration of love is fear. Anger is an improvement on fear. The opposite vibration of empowerment is powerlessness. Independence is an improvement on powerlessness. Shall we stop there though? No. Ultimately, to recognize independence, is to recognize yourself as apart and divisible from the collective. This recognition is only beneficial to move you from a feeling of powerlessness to others to a feeling of empowerment. It ceases to be beneficial and instead, becomes detrimental when it causes you to feel isolated and separate and as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders alone.
Most spiritual teachers and channeled entities teach according to where human consciousness is right now. This means, if people are powerless, they will teach them how to empower themselves. This means, they will teach them to create their own reality and stop depending on that which they feel powerless to. They will tell you that you do not need to be affected by anything other than your own thoughts. They do not have the attachment to truth that you do. And so, they will offer you a belief that serves your progression regardless of whether it is true of not true, regardless of whether it is illusion or not. The truth is, you have an effect on everything that is and everything that is, has an effect on you. You are indivisible from it. Because of the truth of oneness, “they” are all “you”. This means “they” will always be a reflection of “you”. We are learning from our reflection.
Everything that other people do, affects you because everything that you do affects you. But by reorienting your focus towards something positive, you can create what you want to create regardless of what they are doing or not doing. Because you are only as powerless to what other people create as you are to what you create. The perspective that “they” are bigger and more powerful than you, is an illusion, when you realize they are nothing more than your reflection blown up to a world scale. The collective is moving away from utter powerlessness, and so its time for a progression in comprehension. And so, it is time to move beyond independence.
Anger, is an improvement upon powerlessness. Independence is like anger. It is only an improvement upon powerlessness to others. Interdependence is actually a vibrational improvement upon independence. Some other words we could use for interdependence are symbiosis or mutual empowerment. The bottom line is… You are dependent! You cannot be other than dependent on everything. And everything is dependent on you. This universe is dependent on you. You are as dependent on source, as source is on you. Without you, source could not know itself and could not expand. Without source, you could not be alive. Even if your perspective is that you aren’t dependent on a person, you’re still dependent on the carrot on your dinner plate.
So why does dependence scare us so badly? Because we don’t trust that we create our own reality. Because we don't trust ourselves. And because we doubt our ability to create. It has nothing to do with hating that we depend on other things. It’s about hating that we feel as if we are powerless to other things creating our reality. Depending on something would not be a problem at all if we trusted that we could create what we are dependent on; that is wasn’t out of our hands what experience we had and therefore out of our hands how we felt. We doubt our ability to create so much that we use spiritual truths to try to convince ourselves to not need what we need and not want what we want. We think it is less painful to convince ourselves to not need and want what we need and want than it is to believe that we cannot have what we need and want. Needs and wants are not bad. You all have them. The only reason a need or a want would ever feel bad, is if you believed it could not or would not be met and achieved. Our problem is not that we have needs. It is not that we need other people. It is that by needing them, while feeling powerless to create our own reality, we think they create our reality. We give our power away. We believe we are powerless to what they do or don’t do. We become a victim to our own creation.
You are not powerless to what you are dependent on as long as you create that which you are dependent on. But we doubt that we can do that. We are constantly told by advocates of independent self-sufficiency that every need should be filled in and of the self. But this is to see other people as separate from you. They ARE you. If you use them to fill the void within you, you are using you to fill the void within you. If you are using them to avoid you, you are using yourself to avoid yourself. We are looking to fill an empty void inside of us, of need. But the answer is not to stop needing or wanting. It is to realize that we have the power to create what we need or want. The reason we begin to receive love from others when we give it to ourselves is because the world around us, being us, mirrors us.
Let’s pretend that you needed your loved one to feel whole and comforted. One could argue that you are powerless because they could die and you’d be left at the mercy of that experience (which is torture) so the only lasting peace, is to find wholeness and comfort in and of yourself alone. But, to believe this, we would have to assume that we are in fact at the mercy of their presence, and could not manifest someone else to feel whole and comforted by. It is our dis-belief in our ability to create in our own reality that is actually hurting us in this scenario, not the fact that we are dependent in general on something other than us. The fact that we feel fragmented and afraid has to do with our emotional imprinting from childhood.
In a world that is one, you can only ever be dependent on that which is you. And in a world that is one, you are dependent on everyone else and they are dependent on you. This does not mean that you are powerless. We mistake dependence for powerlessness, most especially the powerlessness to create. But they are not the same thing. You cannot become independent. To do so, would be to separate yourself from the rest of the universe. Not only is this not wanted; it is also not possible because you are the universe incarnated in the illusion of a separate physical body.
Let’s say I am dependent on a significant other to feel safe. Traditional spiritual teachings say that this is inappropriate. That I am now powerless to my mate and to what my mate does and does not do. But in a universe that is the reflection of thought, I have created my mate (caused the universe to bring him to me by virtue of law of attraction). So all I am dependent on is my own creation. All I can feel powerless to is my own creation. And each creation of mine, causes me to learn more about me and hone/improve my creations. My creations are therefore constantly evolving. And therefore, my sense of safety is constantly evolving. If I don’t like my creation, I can always improve it and change it.
If you depend on your creation (which ultimately everything is), then you trust your creation. Your creation is nothing more than an extension of you. So, to depend is ultimately to trust yourself. This is why Source (God) trusts us completely. Because we are the extension of Source, the creation of source, and it trusts itself completely. Independent people trust themselves only slightly more than powerless people do. But neither, actually trusts themselves.
Depend is not a bad word. Yet again, it is a beautiful concept that has been confused for a different concept that is “ugly”. To depend is to become one. The world is so much more gentle and supportive than we realize. So much more gentle and loving and interwoven than we will let ourselves understand; because we are still feel so powerless to the world at large, that we are trying to be a lonely universe in and of ourselves. The ego has used spiritual teachings that are designed to empower your ability to create your reality, as a tool of separation. The only people who resonate with teachings of personal empowerment that inspire independent, self sufficient reality creation, are those who have felt powerless to others people that could not meet their needs. They had no choice but to turn to themselves. But that is an intermediary step, a step towards empowerment. It is not all the way there. The next step is to recognize your complete dependence on you. And you, includes all the other beings in existence, because they are all you. This is an interdependent universe because the most absolute truth of this universe is the truth of oneness. To want to only be dependent on yourself (as a single unit) and to only want to meet your own needs is to want to dis-include all other parts of you in this universe, because you’ve bought into the illusion that they are “other” than you. It is much more in alignment to include everything that could be seen as “other”, as part of you, and therefore inter-be with it by allowing your dependence on it. Powerlessness to something or someone else is not the same thing as dependence on something or someone else. As an extension of Source (God), you are endowed with the power to create. But the only independent power you possess is the power to create that which you are dependent on. The time has come for empowered interdependence, instead of powerless dependence.
We have this habit of expecting ourselves to be “above it all”, meaning that we expect ourselves to be so proficient at focusing positively and fixing our own problems that we are unaffected by our experiences. But to expecting ourselves to be “above it all” is to add torture on top of pain. To resist where we are, and who we are currently is to abandon yourself in the quick sand pit of your own pain.
It is ironic that those of us who fancy ourselves to be “in alignment” would have so much resistance to “not being in alignment”. People, who subscribe to the power of positive thinking, tend to have extreme resistance to negative emotion and negative thoughts. We also have extreme resistance to the “breakdown phase” of transformation. We resist suffering, but resistance on top of suffering equals more suffering. It is impossible it is to focus positively when you have something that you are trying to avoid (especially strong fear or other strong negative emotion). When we are feeling strong negative emotion, we are feeling desperate. You always get that desperate feeling when you are trying to get away from something and go towards something else. And obviously, any time we’re trying to get away from something, we are resisting it and therefore focusing upon in in a subconscious way. Whatever we resist persists. If we would quit resisting it, it would cease to exist. And so, there is only one option, to positively embrace the negative emotion.
The positive embracing of negative emotion is one of the most crucial skills to learn. Your emotions are like clay. You can learn to mold them by virtue of your thoughts. But to try to mold your life into something pleasing when you are unwilling to acknowledge, touch and embrace anything other than positive emotion, is like a sculptor being unwilling to work with the clay as it currently is; in it’s raw and cold form. It is to reject the clay and demand that you will only touch it once it is warm and soft. This will never work because the thing that transforms that raw, cold clay into soft, warm clay is the non-resistant, loving embrace of the sculptor’s hands. Until we are willing to approach our negative emotions with acceptance, compassion and most especially willingness to feel them, we cannot mold the clay of our life into anything different that what it is. There will be no change; our emotions will remain negative in the same way that the sculptor’s clay will remain cold and raw.
You have been taught that negative emotion means you have gone wrong. In fact, one of the things I hate about positive focus communities is that they tend to see negative anything (especially thoughts and emotions) as something bad, shameful, and un-evolved. Do you feel the resistance to negative in that mentality? This is not an evolved state. And honestly, it is what gives positive focus philosophies such a bad name. It makes us seem like “Polyannas”. We only seem like “Polyannas” when we are ignoring, glossing over, and avoiding negative emotion. We only seem like “Polyannas” when we have gone into denial and are currently rejecting and resisting the negative. Negative emotion is part of your guidance system, which means that negative emotions are valid. Negative emotion is a part of life for every person in existence. When we say otherwise, we ostracize each other. We condemn other people (as well as ourselves) to being alone in their pain and being ashamed of their pain. If we really had a comprehension of the way this universe works, we would be encouraging people, when they felt strong negative emotion, to embrace and explore those negative emotions before encouraging them to then focus positively on something that makes them feel better. Many people would argue that it’s a bad idea to focus on negative emotion or thoughts, because focus fuels them and that it’s a better idea to just focus on positive thoughts and things that make you feel good. But I am here to tell you that you can’t focus positively while you are resisting something negative. If you’re resisting something negative, you are resisting focusing on what you are already really focusing on. The resistance itself is fueling that negative thing, on a subconscious if not conscious level. It’s like your fish hook getting caught or snagged on the bottom of the stream you’re paddling down. You have to turn around, unhook the fishhook first and then go on your merry way. And sometimes, it takes longer to get un-snagged than other times.
When you can feel that you are resisting negative emotion (when you are desperate to feel differently), stop running away and just be with yourself and the truth of how you feel and what you’re thinking right here and now. Be with what you’re trying to run away from. Take time to sink into the feeling and really let yourself experience it and question it. Solicit the help of someone else who will aid you to explore what those emotions and sensations are trying to tell you. Use them to gain awareness. And express those emotions instead of suppressing them. Embrace them in any way you can. Without negative feelings, thoughts and experiences, you would never know what happiness and love and freedom really is. You would not have any awareness. The answers cannot come to you; unless you are first asking the questions and the questions nearly always come as the result of experiencing something that feels negative. Let’s all stop being ashamed of our negative emotions and thoughts and experiences. If we can learn to do that, we will no longer be resisting them and thus, they will transform our realities in the way they intend to transform our realities, into something better.
Having a sense of self vs. other is part of participating in this physical dimension. The individual perspective and experience is what is currently serving the expansion of this universe. And so, we perceive a difference between ourselves and the rest of the world. This individual perspective is a kind of boundary that defines us from everything else. We have heard again and again from self help experts and psychologists that it is crucial to our wellbeing to develop healthy boundaries. But what are boundaries really? Boundaries are guidelines for how someone relates the self to the rest of the world. They are rules of conduct built out of a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning. Personal boundaries operate in two directions, affecting both the incoming and outgoing interactions between people. Personal boundaries help to define an individual by outlining likes and dislikes and what is right for them personally or wrong for them personally. Defining these things helps us to know how we will and wont allow ourselves to be treated by others. Here are some signs that you have unhealthy boundaries:
Saying no when you mean yes or yes when you mean no.
Feeling guilty when you do say no.
Acting against your integrity or values in order to please.
Not speaking up when you have something to say.
Adopting another person’s beliefs or ideas so you are accepted.
Not calling out someone who mistreats you.
Accepting physical touch or sex when you don’t want it.
Allowing yourself to be interrupted or distracted to accommodate another person’s immediate wants or needs.
Giving too much just to be perceived as useful.
Becoming overly involved in someone’s problems or difficulties.
Allowing people to say things to you or in front of you that make you uncomfortable.
Not defining and communicating your emotional needs in your relationships.
The biggest issue isn’t that other people violate our boundaries, it’s that we violate our own boundaries. By letting someone violate our boundaries, we violate our own boundaries. This is self-betrayal. If you go against your personal boundaries, you violate yourself, you abandon yourself and you allow self-hate to rule the day. When most people think of boundary violation, they only think of intrusive violations, such as someone raping someone else. But there are also distancing violations as well. These are sometimes the most painful. A distancing boundary violation occurs when you have a connection with someone and they withdraw, which is to cross a boundary away from you. It emotionally wounds you and so it constitutes as an emotional boundary violation as well.
Boundaries could get very complicated if we were defining boundaries according to cerebral concepts of right and wrong or wanted and unwanted or according to the boundaries other people think are or aren’t healthy. After all, there are physical boundaries, emotional boundaries, metal boundaries, spiritual boundaries, and sexual boundaries. So I’m going to simplify the concept of boundaries and make them very easy for you to understand. Your boundaries are defined by your feelings. Your feelings will always tell you whether a boundary of yours has been violated, no matter what kind of boundary it is. For example, if someone said something that hurt you, it means they crossed an emotional boundary and you will feel hurt, which is your indication that your boundaries need to be re assessed. Another example could be, someone asks you to a party and you feel as if you don’t want to go, but you go anyway, you feel bad, which is your indication that you have violated your own boundary. This is why it is so crucial to be in touch with how you feel all day every day.
We can think of a boundary as an imaginary line that uniquely defines and separates your personal happiness, your personal integrity, your personal desires, your personal needs and therefore most importantly, your personal truth from the rest of the universe. He, who does not listen to and respect what he himself feels, violates his own boundaries. He, who does not listen to and respect what others feel, violates other people’s boundaries. It is as simple as that. So practice really listening to and feeling how things feel. Listen to what your feelings are telling you. They are speaking to your personal truth. It is crucial that we not only know who we really are and what we really want but also that we know that we are known for who we are and what we really want by others. When we are ashamed of who we are and what we want, we have poor boundaries and we are shamed for whom we are by others all the time.
Personal truth cannot be defined by anyone other than you because no one can step into your body and feel for you. But this is what so many people try to do. This is what society does. It tries to tell you what your boundaries should and shouldn’t be. In fact, the health or weakness of your boundaries has a great deal to do with the world around you, especially the world you grew up in. We were shamed out of our true sense of self as children. In order to fit into our family and into society, we had to develop an identity that was acceptable to the people around us, a false self. This is a survival strategy. We become the person we think we are supposed to be and shame the person who we really are. Those of us, who had invalidating parents, do not have healthy boundaries. Indeed, we may cross our boundaries all the time or even lack them. Here is a common scenario: A child begins to feel angry because their parent is always working and never has time to be with them. The child expresses that anger and is invalidated, the parent says “I spend more time with you than any other parent that I know spends with their child” and the child is shamed for being ungrateful. The child learns that the way they feel is not true and that they should be ashamed for feeling the way they feel. Anger is not acceptable. So the child creates a false self that is cannot express anger and who says “thank you” all the time. Over time, he or she believes that who they really are is happy and grateful. They have never really admitted to the fact that deep own, they truly feel angry. So how do you know if you have set up a false self? You fear other people thinking negatively of you. Ask yourself these questions: Do I know what I really want? Do I let other people tell me what to think or believe and how to feel? Do I do things I don’t really want to do and say yes when I really want to say no or say no when I really want to say yes? Am I afraid to let people know how I really feel? Am I afraid of people thinking negatively of me?
It’s hard for people to set boundaries because:
we put others’ needs and feelings first;
we don’t know themselves;
we don’t feel as if we have rights;
we believe setting boundaries jeopardizes the relationship; and
we never learned to have healthy boundaries.
Most of us were told that how we felt was either not how we felt or was not ok to feel. Most of us were told that what we saw was not what we saw. Most of us were told that what we “thought” we wanted was not what we really wanted, or was not ok to want. We lived lives were our own personal truth was invalidated again and again. This made most of us feel crazy and as if we could not trust ourselves, so we began to go against the way we felt and the things we wanted and in doing so, we did not stay true to ourselves. This internal self-betrayal is what caused us to stop trusting ourselves. Self-trust is all about boundaries. Boundaries are about being there for yourself. Most of us are caught in a habitual pattern of abandoning ourselves . This is the real reason why we don’t trust ourselves. People don’t trust themselves when they feel unsafe with themselves. And we feel unsafe with ourselves when we watch ourselves make decisions that don’t feel good or act in a way that doesn’t represent our true selves. When we ignore the way we really feel, and abandon our personal truth, we become in essence untrustworthy to ourselves. The only way to begin trusting yourself is to learn how to tune back into how you feel and then honor how you truly feel.
Maintaining the false self by denying the truth of who we really are and how we really feel and what we really want, prevents us from having any kind of intimacy in relationships because to have intimacy, we must open up to meet the other person at the very core of ourselves. We cannot do this when we are maintaining a false self because we never let other people past the mask, so they can’t ever really love or see us. What’s worse, we never really let ourselves past the mask. Intimacy is to receive a person for who they truly are and to be received for who you truly are. By this definition, you can see that if we maintain a false self, we have no intimacy with ourselves so we cannot have intimacy with other people.
In relationships, we deeply crave to be with someone who understands how we feel, but we don’t even take the time to understand how we feel. We wind up having a relationship of convenience with ourselves. We only listen to our own personal truth when it doesn’t cause trouble or difficulty. We don’t realize that we are causing the very difficulty we are trying to avoid by not listening to our feelings and personal truth all the time regardless of whether it may cause difficulty or not. The bottom line is it is impossible to know who you are and what you like and what you believe and what you want unless you know how you feel. People with healthy boundaries are able to have relationships without losing themselves. And we must remember that when our boundaries are vague to us, they will be vague to others. So how does this idea of boundaries fit into the idea of a universe that is all one? It would seem that a boundary would defy the truth of the unified nature of the universe. If I am truly accepting of and honest about who I really am an what I really want and feel, I am embracing the unique expression of source that I am rather than seeing myself as separate from others or from source. And so, personal boundaries are not a contradiction to spirituality. We are simply using a word “boundary” which we associate with resistance. In one sense, to have boundaries, you have to differentiate between yourself and the rest of the world. You have to define your individual feelings. But this is already done for you because of the fact that you have come into a physical human brain and body. It was always the plan for you to experience a separate self because this perspective serves the expansion of the universe’s own journey to self-awareness. So we all already do experience a self and that which is other. This perspective creates a good deal of unhappiness until we allow ourselves to go in the direction of individual happiness, which ultimately leads to our discovery that we are all one and that whatever serves our individual happiness, serves all else that is. But here is the thing that really matters. Boundaries are not about resisting what is not wanted. That is an unhealthy boundary that creates pain. It is as unhealthy to have resistance towards violation that could be imposed on you by the world, as it is to have no boundaries and let the world constantly trespass against you. People who build walls against intimacy, are not exhibiting healthy boundaries, they are in resistance to the world. An unhealthy boundary pushes against the world and tells others how they can and can’t behave. Ultimately we have no control over how they behave and what they do and don’t do. We only have control over what we do and don’t do and what we allow ourselves to experience at the hands of others.
Healthy boundaries (unlike most boundaries we are used to such as fences or rules) are non resistant in nature and thus, they are in alignment with oneness. Healthy boundaries are not about controlling what other people. They are entirely about you personally defining and then following your individual sense of happiness and desires and personal truth. It is a state of self-awareness, integrity and self-love. You can’t have any of those things if you are pushing against the world and you can’t have any of those things if you are letting the world define who you are, what you want and how you feel. Having a healthy sense of self serves not only you, but also the universe. And ultimately, your happiness IS everyone else’s happiness as well because we are all one. If you are feeling bad about having said yes to something you don’t really want to o, it is time to re assess your boundaries. If people in your life are making you feel bad in any way, it is time to re assess your boundaries. List the ten things in your life that you are the unhappiest about right now. List ten things you’d like other people to stop doing around you or to you or saying to you. It may even help to list the people in your life one by one and write down how you feel around them. Then, relative to every item on the list, ask yourself “How am I violating my own boundaries and letting them violate my boundaries?” “How do I really feel about this, what do I really want?” An example may be, my spouse watches the television after coming home from work and ignores me. This makes me feel rejected and unloved, like a void of loneliness is welling up inside me. By doing this, he is violating an emotional boundary because I’m not ok with people treating me like this. So I’m going to write him a letter expressing how I feel. Once you discover that a boundary violation has occurred, it is then crucial to make some changes based on how you really feel. Decide on specific action you can take. Self-expression is paramount in this circumstance. For example, you may decide to say no next time someone asks you to do something. Maybe you will make a phone call and back out of a commitment you’ve made. Maybe you will set a boundary by saying something to them the next time they hurt you, such as “Please don’t derail my efforts to give up smoking or remind me about how many times I’ve failed.” Or you might assert a boundary by asserting a positive request, such as “I’d really appreciate your help to succeed this time.”
Remember, as time goes on, your boundaries will require updating. They will not always stay the same. Perhaps the time you can give to others is much more limited after starting a new relationship or having a baby. Redefining your boundaries throughout life is a crucial part of staying true to yourself. And boundaries are all about staying true to yourself throughout the changes you experience in your life. We can all help to rehabilitate each other with regards to boundaries as well. We can do this by giving them permission to feel how they feel and admit to how they feel with us. We unintentionally violate other people’s boundaries all the time without knowing it because so many people have problems asserting themselves around us and expressing their desires and feelings to us. It is very easy to help people develop healthy boundaries, just develop the habit of asking them to tell you how they really truly feel and to be honest about it without fear of loosing your love or being disapproved of. By doing this, you’re giving them permission to be themselves and be true to themselves. You’re saving both them and you a lot of heart ache in the process.
If we want to live happy lives and make the right choices for ourselves personally, we need to know how we feel, admit to how we feel and express how we feel. Developing boundaries is a crucial part of finding our true selves. It is therefore a crucial part of spiritual practice and life success. We do not need to resist others to do it. Instead, we need to fully allow ourselves to express the truth of ourselves at all times.
We live in a universe that is all one. This “united consciousness” merely expresses itself in different ways. You are an expression of united consciousness, the same way that your boyfriend or girlfriend is an expression of that unified consciousness, the same way that the living room couch is an expression of that united consciousness. Saying that one expression of this unified consciousness is more special or important than any other, is a misunderstanding. At the highest level of spiritual awareness, it is truth that everything and everyone in existence is therefore your soul mate or twin flame because in a universe that is all one, all there is, is you. You ultimately are not only yourself, you are also your boyfriend or girlfriend and you are also your living room couch. The individuality you are currently experiencing is just an illusion.But when we are discussing twin flames or soul mates, we are discussing reality from a more limited perspective, a perspective closer to the physical perspective, which recognizes difference and individuality as a subjective truth. When most of us say twin flame or soul mate, what we mean is a soul connection or relationship between two halves of the same soul. The popular theory on twin flames is that in the beginning of time we were created as a perfect soul, which was split into two soul halves, one half female, the other half male. That split soul was then cast upon Earth in order to search for one-another. They would reincarnate over lifetimes with this longing for each other, and once they finally meet, they would reunite and be in love and then leave this physical plane as one whole individual soul. There is so much that is backwards about this theory. There is no being that is separate from you that “casts” souls down to earth. Also, this theory ascribes traits to souls that are more physical than they are energetic. A soul is not a clump of energy, in the same way that a body is a clump of bones and flesh. To imply that a soul can be cut in two implies that it is a clump of energy. In reality, a soul is nothing more than a stream of consciousness. Streams cannot be cut in half.
Let’s pretend that this unified consciousness or this oneness we speak of (and often call god or source) is an infinite ocean. All water comes from this ocean. Rivers and streams are therefore a projection of the ocean, a different expression of the ocean because rivers diverging from the ocean and creeks diverging from the rivers are still made of ocean water. Metaphorically speaking, what we call soul families, are just rivers that have projected forth from the ocean (streams of consciousness that have projected forth from unified consciousness) and what we call individual souls that experience a specific reincarnation path, are just creeks that have projected forth from a particular stream. Now, interestingly enough, these creeks can project forth into the physical as multiple beings at one time. Your soul could in essence be incarnated here on earth as multiple individuals, both human and non-human. And much of the time, if one aspect of you ran into another aspect of you, you would have no conscious awareness of it.
However, if you were in a moment of alignment (positive emotion), if you had released resistance (especially to yourself), and if you were to then rendezvous with another aspect of you, you would recognize an immediate feeling of oneness and of coming home, because oneness and home is in essence energetically closer to you when you are encountering your own soul stream (creek) than when you are encountering another soul stream (creek). Ultimately, we are being drawn towards the ultimate truth in the universe, which is that we are all one. This means, when you are in alignment, you will meet that person or those people who are other projections of your same soul and you will be insatiably attracted to them. We are closer to the truth of oneness when we are with them. That is what that feeling of being “completed” by someone actually is. It is the recognition of the self in the other.
Many of us did intend to have the experience of uniting ourselves with another aspect of our soul before coming into our physical lives. We always chose our gender based off of what will best serve our expansion and intentions for our specific life. But often, part of the experience we want to have for the benefit of our expansion is the experience of oneness within a physical form. And the way many of us accomplish this is to incarnate into two beings (quite often a male and female aspect) and come into life separate from them, in order to experience the contrast of loneliness and separation. This contrast gives rise to the desire for unity and coming home, which when we line up with it vibrationally, is satisfied through meeting that other male or other female aspect of ourselves and pair bonding with them. These pair bonding, monogamous relationships are often agreed upon and planned before a birth. And often, when we meet that person, we can feel fate in the relationship because of it.
It is also true that we may have chosen to do this again and again in multiple reincarnations. If the relationship serves expansion in a very real way, we will continue to incarnate together, and find each other life after life until that experience no longer serves our expansion or the progression of source consciousness.
The traditional view of soul mates or twin flames is that it must happen between dual aspects… a male a female. This is not the case. We could bump into and find unification with an aspect of our soul stream that is incarnated as the same gender as ourselves. When this is the case, either an intense friendship ensues, or we will experience the same level of romance and sexual attraction, as a “heterosexual soul mate” couple would have for each other. The law of attraction, which still reigns triumphant, dictates that if you and your soul mate(s) are on different wavelengths and in different vibrations from each other, you will either not rendezvous with your soul mate(s) or you will clash when you do. Also, where there is a powerful and strong desire and intent (which there always is when we are dealing with a soul mate or twin flame) that is not being satisfied and when the two of you get together and see each other in that place of disconnection, you will experience extreme friction. This means, if you or your soul mate focus negatively in a way that causes you to hold yourself in resistance to each other, you will be going so against the current of the stream of consciousness within you, that it will be like trying to hold a high powered magnet apart, great pain will be the result of that resistance. Discord between soul mates or twin flames is particularly painful.
So how do you know if you’ve met your twin flame or soul mate? Here is a list of attributes that most experts agree, will come along with a twin flame relationship…
You had dreams or visions of this person before physically meeting in this lifetime.
Meeting your partner felt like “coming home” to a familiar, long-lost energy. After meeting, you had “memories” of other times and places with that person that are not part of this life experience so far.
Your partner mirrors your own issues, concerns, and imbalances, but you also complement each other’s skill sets, talents, and capacities. You are the ultimate embodiment of yin/yang.
You may be of different ages, the same or opposite sex, vastly different backgrounds, “opposing” religions or cultures, but you feel an incredible unity or incomparable sense of oneness with your partner.
You feel each other’s symptoms, illnesses, and emotions even when you are not near each other or in communication.
Your functioning is impaired or much less optimal when you are apart from your twin flame. It physically and mentally hurts when you are not together, like trying to hold a high powered magnet apart.
When you are with your partner and the relationship is in balance, you become stronger, more powerful, and more capable than you have ever felt. You feel united in a mission or “calling” to serve others and the world.
Your unconditional love for your partner is like no other. Your partner is likely to have a certain habit, quality, or “baggage” that would be a deal-breaker for you in any other relationship. However, you overlook it or willingly work through it with this partner-- no matter what it takes.
You met your partner after being forced to develop some measure of self acceptance or self approval. It’s likely that you met when and where you were least consciously expecting it. As a result, you have an intense level of friendship on top of the sexual attraction between you.
In efforts to harmonize, expand and balance each other, you “push each other’s buttons” and test each other’s limits in order to call each other into becoming the highest version of yourselves.
Friends, family members, and others in your circle are effected and humbled and deeply moved by the relationship. They too, express that they feel that there is something cosmic at work in the union. Some are very threatened by this.
The growth you experience, the lessons you learn, and the person you become in the twin flame relationship are more significant, happen more rapidly, and are more powerful than any other experience or period of growth in your life.
You realize that your previous soul mates or other relationships prepared you for the twin flame reunion. Your twin flame may even have or embody a number of the unusual characteristics or outstanding attributes of your previous mates and soul friends.
You feel as if you’ve been waiting your whole life for this person. When you look back at your life, you see illnesses, sabotaged relationships, or other situations that manifested because you were still waiting and still looking for “the one.”
Even if you don’t particularly enjoy 3 dimensional existence here on earth, you heal, evolve, mature, and continue to live-- just to stay with your twin flame partner. Earth itself begins to feel more like home, because they are here.
The more that you and your twin partner spend time together, the more rapidly and completely you awaken to higher consciousness. You have a deep knowing that your twin partner is your destiny—and a feeling that this is the case for more than just this lifetime.
When most of us say we want a soul mate, we are saying that we want an enjoyable relationship that gives rise to less contrast and more positive emotion. But if your soul mate is in essence your soul, expressing itself in a different human form, you could not rendezvous with them from a positive emotional space unless you were positively focusing towards yourself. Positive emotional experiences are the result of positive focus. Positive interaction with another aspect of myself, like a soul mate, is the result of positive focus towards myself. So how do you meet your twin flame or your soul mate? Find approval for yourself. No matter what, the people who meet their soul mates or twin flames (whichever term you prefer) do so after making a dramatic positive change in how they approach themselves. By it’s very nature, a soul mate relationship is one where our partner holds intense levels of positive focus towards us. To be a match to meeting another person who will focus that way towards us, we must focus that way towards ourselves. Meeting your soul mate calls for radical self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is the byproduct of focusing towards yourself with an attitude of approval.
Ironically, spiritual people are some of the least likely people to engage in a relationship with a soul mate at a young age because in general, they are obsessively committed to the path of self-improvement. To want to “improve” yourself means you are focused negatively on yourself. You are focused on your shortcomings. Continue down this path and you can’t be a vibrational match to (and therefore you can’t experience) a person who sees you as perfect the way you are. We can only be a match to a soul mate, if the things we want to change about ourselves, we want to change because we love ourselves and think the change would add to our happiness; not because we disapprove of ourselves and think the change would make us more lovable. This means, quit trying to change yourself to be in a place to meet someone who will love you.
Instead, find approval for yourself right here and now, exactly as you are as if nothing will ever change about you for the rest of your life. Pretend that every “flaw” you have, you will have till the end and begin to view those flaws in a positive light.
The very best exercise to use in order to line up with your soul mate or twin flame is a self-approval exercise. Every morning when you first wake up, pick one thing that you don’t accept or approve of about yourself. Then, challenge yourself to think outside the box (and elicit help from others to think outside the box) and write a large list of things that make you feel better about that thing and that enable you to approve of that thing instead of disapprove of it. For example, let’s say I hate that I am emotionally unstable. I would write “I’m emotionally unstable” at the top of the page and write a list of things that help me to feel good about the fact that I am emotionally unstable such as:
I give other people permission to be where they are
I’m dashing the harmful image of the enlightened guru, removed from life itself and life’s ups and downs
Intense periods of self-awareness/growth
I make it safe for people to be emotionally in tune and vulnerable
I am real, no facades
Buddha was emotionally unstable (he ditched his life after an emotional crisis)
Crisis leads to self-discovery
I draw people into life and it inspires them
I know where I am in a relationship and where the relationship is at
My relationships are never boring, they are deep and epic
When I’m emotionally unstable, I’m not hiding from my partner, he knows exactly how I am and who I am
Tons of relationship growth I get emotional love and support from other people when I’m emotionally unstable.
I’m a huge mirror for other people
If emotions are a guidance system, I have a big internal compass and am less likely to lose my way.
I’m healthy and have no addictions because I do not suppress and I cannot escape from the emotions.
I create unity powwows around my healing crisis that connect other people.
I smash the idea that you have to “get on with it” and “buck up” and go upstream.
Stability equals suppression and facades most of the time, which is not a good personality trait.
When I’m in anger, I’m not in the victim role, I’m standing up for myself, which I never could do before
I’m vulnerable, which takes immense bravery
I am transparent
I give people permission to acknowledge and honor their feelings instead of ignore them or suppress them.
I’m asking for recognition and help, which I couldn’t before. I’m good at asking for help, and now I receive it.
I’m proving that life doesn’t fall apart if you let yourself get caught by people.
I authentically heal and authentically rally instead of fake it on the exterior while I’m falling apart inside.
I am good at rescuing my own inner children; I have to in order to feel better. So, I heal faster than anyone I’ve ever met.
I reach awareness quicker.
I have excess emotional energy, which makes me a brilliant and successful artist.
It’s self expression
It makes me a great spiritual teacher, because I can relate to where people are emotionally and the way it feels to be up or down, this makes me relatable to them and it enables me to teach them. I can only teach someone to get out of a state I have been in.
I’m a brilliant writer because of this.
In summation, do soul mates or twin flames exist? Yes. This does not mean that you are incomplete without them. It simply means you will feel more complete when you are with them, because being with them brings you closer to the oneness that is the basic premise of this universe. And guess what? If it is a desire of yours to meet a twin or soul mate that means you have one or more. You could not have the desire for them in the first place, if they did not exist and if you were not meant to meet.
Productivity has become an addiction. We use productivity to fill the void where self worth aught to be. Most of us in the western world are pumped full of the societal message that we are not loved for who we are, we are only loved for what we do. When what we do matters that much, we try to do as much as we can to earn approval. We wake up every day convinced that we have to prove ourselves and justify the fact that we are alive with work. In truth, productivity can only be the result of inspiration. When one is inspired, the productivity takes no effort. Manifestation and fruition is the quick and natural byproduct of being in the flow of creation. Creation is the result of inspiration. Inspiration ensures that any action we take, is backed by universal energy, the same energy that creates worlds. So the real question is not how do I become more productive, it is how do I become more inspired?
Inspiration is the result of allowing yourself to go in the direction of happiness. Many people think they are doing this already when in fact they are not. Most of us are sacrificing our current happiness for the sake of the promise of future happiness. For example, many people think they will be happy if they have money and so they keep a job they hate in order to make they money that they think will add to their happiness. It is a perfectly valid desire to have money. It is fine to desire as much of it as you could possibly want. But if you’re working at a job you hate in order to get it, you’re sacrificing your current happiness for the promise of future happiness. By doing that, you’re cutting off the flow of source energy to the current moment. As a result, you will start to feel burnt out and your passion will wane. If you want to feel inspiration, you must first discover what makes you truly happy and truly feel passion. Then, you must do that thing or those things, no matter the perceived risk of doing so. Passion makes productivity effortless. It makes it so the energy you exert to do something, feels good instead of bad.
Here are some tips that will help you to be more productive.
Stop waiting for the perfect time and perfect conditions before you act. The most productive people in the world understand the value of immediacy. If you are creating your own reality, why wait for external conditions to change? Jump in and start whatever it is you want to produce. The quicker you do so, the quicker you’ll produce it.
Think big. The bigger your goal is, the higher you will reach; and if you reach that high, even if you don’t make it all the way to the goal you’ve set, you will have made it much further and accomplished much more than you would have dreamed of if you had set your sights low. Think of a long jumper. If the long jumper sets a goal of jumping 30 feet, he is less likely to make it to 30 feet because his mind sees that number as “hard to accomplish”. If however, he sets a goal of jumping 35 feet, his brain automatically undervalues every number under that. Because he is so focused on that extreme distance, he is likely to make it quickly to 30 feet or even more and thus set a world record.
Get rid of your tools of distraction. Cut out TV or video games and save those for rare occasions. Make sure to also cut out wasted time on the Internet. Distractions are an escape from life. You did not come here to escape from life. You came here to experience and use your life fully. It will amaze you how much time you actually have when you are no longer distracting yourself and it will amaze you how much you can get done if you spend your time working towards your goals instead of distracting yourself.
At nighttime, make a list of everything you want to accomplish the next day. Cross the items off one by one as you do them throughout the next day. This will help you to feel productive and as if you have achieved something. When you feel like you are productive, you will be more productive, end of story.
Quit multi tasking. Humans are not actually capable of multi tasking. Pick one thing and commit your full attention to that one thing until you complete it.
Break your big goals down into small steps. And then break those steps down into even smaller steps. As you accomplish those steps, cross them off the list. Most of us are incapacitated when beginning a project by the feeling of being overwhelmed. This process of breaking your projects down into small steps greatly reduces your feeling of being overwhelmed. You will get so much more done when you are able to clearly define your plan and see your progress as you complete each step. We have the tendency of getting overwhelmed because we are looking at the whole staircase and the top of the staircase seems to be so far from where we are standing. But if we would break the staircase down into steps and focus on the step in front of us, we would reach the top quickly.
Take care of your body by exercising, getting enough sleep and eating healthy foods. When you move your body, you reduce your stress levels and clear your mind. Plus, it may seem counterintuitive, but when you exercise you actually increase your energy levels so it is easier to complete your tasks. When you allow yourself to sleep, you allow your body to recharge and re boot. This guarantees that you will have much more energy to dedicate to your work. Imagine a world-class sprinter staying up all night and then trying to run a race the next day. It is obvious that their performance would suffer. Their energy levels would be depleted. But this is the same thing you’re expecting of yourself. Your mind needs this time to re charge.
Eating an unhealthy diet and eating sporadically greatly inhibits your productivity level. Eating healthy foods enables your body and mind to support your work. What you eat becomes your physical body. You need a healthy body to do what you need to do in order to be productive in a given day.
Now I want to introduce you to the most important concept when it comes to being productive, it is the spiritual concept of the “highest and best use”. If we are to live in alignment with our highest good and with our true purpose on this earth, we should be prioritizing our lives according to the ~highest~ use of our time and according to the ~best~ use of our time. Knowing of course that the highest and best use of our time always changes. For example, sometimes the highest and best use of our time is play, other times the highest and best use of our time is business. We must have the discernment to know what our priority is for the current moment so we are using our energies in their most efficient way towards their most effective use.
Create the habit of asking yourself this question, “What is the highest and best use of my time right now?” Ask yourself this question all day long. Use it to organize your to do lists in terms of priority. If you catch yourself being distracted on face book or watching TV, stop and ask yourself this question. Ask yourself this question when you finish a task. Don’t be fooled though, sometimes if we are honest with ourselves, the highest and best use of our time is in fact taking a break. This question is a demonstration of appreciation for life itself. It is to say, I honor this life that I am living to the degree that I am committed to it and to the degree that I will use the gifts I am endowed with and exalt my hours here on earth to their highest potential. It is a profoundly spiritual commitment to make, in the form of a very simple question.
Let’s face it, we all want to be more and have more and do more. This enterprising spirit is part of the human experience. It is a beautiful desire when it is not being fueled by the idea that we are not good enough with what we are and what we have and what we do right here and now.
Productivity is the natural byproduct of inspiration, which is the result of following your joy and doing what makes you passionate. So be brave enough to admit to what that is and you will not need these tips to get you going. You will not need any help to be productive at all. A multitude of creations will flow through you effortlessly.