We encounter various experiences in our day-to-day life. Some we could consider positive and some we could consider negative. But the quality of our experience relative to those experiences is flavored by one thing and that is the meaning that we assign to the experience. It is well known that the experience of labor and birth can be drastically more or less painful from one mother to the next based on the meaning she assigns to the experience. Two people’s experience of the same event is often drastically different based on the fact that they interpret different meaning out of the same experience. Think of it this way… if you started uncontrollably vomiting right now and you thought that the meaning of the experience was that you didn’t wash your hands well enough and had caught a deadly virus, your experience of that event would be drastically worse than if you thought that the meaning of the experience was that your body had begun to cleanse itself of all the toxins within itself so as to become renewed to a state of health. It is critical to recognize that there is a difference between what actually happens and the meaning of what happens. We must see that meaning does not inherently exist in the world in and of itself. Therefore, meaning does not inherently exist in a situation. It is an interpretation. And it is best not to confuse interpretation with truth. If meaning does not inherently exist in an experience, we must and do assign it to the experience and then we mistake the event and the meaning of the event for the same thing. Think of this like peanut butter and jelly. Peanut butter is the experience, jelly is the meaning we assign to the experience and if we stir the two together, we mistake them for one thing… a third substance. This disallows us to see the truth of an experience. We must learnt to separate the peanut butter from the jelly, or the experience from the meaning if we are ever to regain a sense of truth and learn to select meaning that benefits us instead of destroys us. If you think this idea of assigning meaning to events doesn’t sound too serious, consider that you can destroy your whole life based on the meaning you assign to an event. Case in point, a little girl asks her dad to play dolls at 3 years old, but he is on the phone. He yells at her to stop bugging him. This is a traumatic experience for her at three years old. She takes it personally. Now let’s pretend the meaning she assigns to this event is “I am insignificant to my dad”. That was not the meaning of the experience of the event for the father, the meaning for the father was, ‘I’m busy right now’. But the moment that little girl assigns that meaning to the event, it is as if a colored lens comes up over her eyes (demonstrate) and from that moment on, all things that happen between her and her father are filtered through that colored lens. The truth is now colored and distorted by that perception that the meaning creates. Every time something happens between the father and daughter that causes her to feel bad, it will automatically strengthen that meaning she’s perceiving her life through.
The colored lens gets thicker and thicker until anything that doesn’t reinforce it, cannot pass through. This father could really love her daughter more than anything in his life and do all kinds of loving things, but it will not matter because all his actions are now being filtered through the lens of the meaning she adopted at 3 years old. The father has no idea why she is so angry with him as she grows up. The girl in this scenario is likely to grow up believing she is insignificant to men, just like she was to daddy and will end up in relationships with emotionally unavailable men, covering up her misery with various addictions, wondering why her self esteem is so damn low. Looking at this analogy of the colored lens, doesn’t this account for why two people perceive the same thing so differently?
What I want you to consider is that the painful meaning you assigned to your experiences, was never the actual meaning of those experiences. What we must consider is that we’ve been punishing people or avoiding them for a meaning that we, ourselves assigned to that experience with them. What we must consider is that much of the pain we are experiencing in our lives is not because of what we actually experienced but because of the meaning we’ve assigned to those experiences. Doesn’t this also make much more sense why we tend to be so confused about other people’s defensive behavior? It is important to note that conflicts about interpretation of meaning account for the majority of our more than frequent miscommunications with others. Take a look back over your earliest memories. With each memory ask yourself, what did I decide that it meant? What did I think was the meaning of the experience? Then imagine that at that moment, your ‘meaning glasses’ went on and you interpreted everything that was to follow up into your adulthood through those lenses. Does some of your life make more sense now? Do some of your relationships make sense now? What if the meaning you assigned to an event was not an accurate interpretation? I am going to propose that from this day forward, whenever we encounter a trigger or an event that causes us pain, we ask ourselves, “What am I making this mean?” So that we can discern the difference between what is actually happening and what we think the meaning of the experience is. This gives us the opportunity to set the record straight. For example, let’s say that someone gives you a really crappy birthday present and you feel your heart sink. Ask yourself “what am I making this mean? And the answer may be, ‘he or she doesn’t really care enough about me to figure out what I like and want’. At this point, instead of assuming that what actually happened is that they demonstrated that they do not care about you, you can either question this meaning you have assigned to the experience or you can authentically inform the other person of what you are making it mean and ask if that is in fact the actual meaning. This gives them an opportunity to set the record straight. It also gives you the ability to not put those meaning glasses on in the first place and thus to remain illusion free.
Separate out the peanut butter from the jelly and question the jelly. In other words, separate out the events that occur from the meaning you interpret from and assign to the event then question the meaning instead of assuming it. Take off those glasses that you put on so long ago… And prepare for your whole world to become a whole lot clearer.
Why do I use the word addiction? Because we can use comfort to cover over something we are trying to avoid, we develop a dependence on it to the point that if it is taken away, we have extreme reactions to it as if we were in withdrawal, we limit ourselves and our lives while inside our comfort zone and yet we continue to stay in it even when we know it is harming us. This is in fact the criteria for an addiction.
As people (especially the older we get), we spend our time justifying staying comfortable and justifying where we are. Justification is like the jail bars keeping you in this comfort zone and keeping you away from a better life. If you went to jail willingly, without the beliefs you associate with jail and without other convicts you could see how jail would feel pretty safe. You know what you’re going to be doing every day, you get regular meals, and you have a routine that protects you from uncertainty and risk. No one new is coming in or going out. That is what life is like inside your comfort zone. But it is not self-loving to stay there because no matter how comfortable it feels, it is still a prison, it keeps you from your true desires, which require risk and it keeps you from your true self, which requires change. Most people on earth live their lives in this kind of prison to one degree or another. Some of these prisons are more ornately luxurious than others, but they are prisons all the same.
We have to learn to recognize the jail bars. To do this, we have to take a good look at our justifications. The very rational, mature reasons we give ourselves for why we cannot do something we feel inspired to do or even know we must do. When we justify, we are more committed to proving that where we are or what we are doing or have done in the past is right than we are to things like happiness and love. We use our reasons and justifications to deny ourselves expansion. And so we have to decide if it is more important to be right or more important to feel joy.
For example, I could feel compelled to paint. But the justifications I could use to not act on that inspiration enough to actually paint is that I don’t know how, It would cost money to get paints, I was never an artist type, I wouldn’t know what to draw, I don’t have enough time, I am just too busy to have gotten around to it etc. And these justifications seem very reasonable to me, but all of you listening to this can feel the limitation or prison bars I am imposing on myself and my life. Take a look at your life; what areas are you the most unhappy about? If you can recognize what is unwanted, this means you have already given rise to the idea of what is wanted instead. And the minute that happens, new ideas and opportunities happen upon you. Why aren’t you acting on those opportunities, why aren’t you doing that thing you want to do? Take a look at all of those justifications and either question them one by one, finding thoughts that contradict them enough that you can let them go, or simply see them for the prison bars that they are and walk right through them. If you need a fresh outside perspective, go get it… offer up your resilient justifications to other people and allow those justifications to be slaughtered in front of your eyes. Just make sure you don’t pick someone equally imprisoned who would like to use you and your justifications as a justification to stay in their own comfort zone prison.
Beware the trap of preparation. Preparation is as good as it does, I don’t need to explain the obvious merit in preparation, but preparation can be yet another ‘reason’ you give yourself to stay in your comfort zone prison. One day you will reach the point where you realize you can’t plan anymore and that planning itself is keeping you from living today. And I’ll tell you a secret, the most fulfilling experiences in life, the real stuff of life, you’ll never be fully prepared for or ready for no matter how much you prepare.
Admit that you’re scared. Name your fear. Guess what, we’re all scared. We do not need to fight our fear any more than we need to deny it. We need to metaphorically pick it up like the crying child that it is and carry it with us tenderly while we move forward anyway. Pain and fear are a call to become more present, conscious and aware, not an indication that what is occurring is wrong.
Let’s get this one out of the way quick… you’re not going to get everything right. For all you perfectionists out there, you’re in good company feeling absolutely terrified at what I just said. But if you think about it, it is also a kind of freedom. If you’re not going to ever be able to get everything right, I mean if it’s literally not possible because the game is rigged because you don’t have all the information you need to play the game perfectly, then what’s left to do? To give up on the pressure you’re putting on yourself and simply chose what you think is the most right for yourself in any given moment, knowing that you could be right or you could be wrong; but you did the best with what you had from where you were and that’s enough.
People don’t want to be vulnerable. But this is what we are. We are vulnerable because life itself involves the possibility of uncertainty, risk and hurt. The people who live the lives worth living here are those who own that vulnerability instead of push it away because there is gold inherent in vulnerability too. With vulnerability comes the possibility of love and joy and expansion. Also, nothing makes us feel more vulnerable when it comes to getting outside our comfort zones than uncertainty, for this reason I want you to watch my video on YouTube titled “How to Deal With Uncertainty”.
If you want to practice getting out of your comfort zone, begin switching up little things. Throw a wrench in predictability. Do them differently. For example, take a different route to work, learn something new, eat something different for breakfast, and take someone up on an offer you’d usually refuse.
A good technique you can use as a tool until you learn to fully embody your own unique expression of source consciousness and be confident in yourself is to pick someone that you feel is totally confident and brave and free as a role model. It could be someone alive or deceased, someone real or make believe, a famous historical figure perhaps and ask yourself what they would do and model your behavior according to that. For example, let’s say your role model was Albert Einstein, if you’re faced with a scary decision or stuck in the prison of your justifications, ask yourself, “What Would Einstein Do?” And then do that!
If it were up to me, you’d live your whole life free of the justifications that keep you from your dreams but for today, I give you a challenge… I want you to select one thing that you have been keeping yourself from doing because of your justifications and do it this week.
We so often live our lives as if there will always be more to live, we put things off until tomorrow, and then tomorrow and then tomorrow to avoid the discomfort of facing them. But what if there is no tomorrow? What is the point of the lives we are living today if tomorrow never comes? So many people live their life sensibly, only to arrive at death carefully. This is a waste of life. You are going to die one day and you never know when and so must know somewhere deep inside you that you did not come here to live a careful life. So break down the jail bars, lay aside your justifications and go in the direction that your heart is calling you. Any bumps and bruises you could possibly accrue along the way, will all be worth it.
We all know the dangers involved with falling into victim mentality. Why? Because spiritual teachers and psychologists and self help gurus have been warning you about these dangers for years. The ego often uses victimhood as a way to ensure it’s own survival or shall we say positive self-image. And the problem with the ego is that it can make positive relationships, which are the heart of our life, really hard if not impossible to pull off. But today, I am not here to tell you anymore about the dangers of victim mentality. I’m here to expose a hidden egoic pitfall that exists to the opposite extreme… Those who are dedicated to never seeing themselves or being seen as the victim. In today’s world there is so much shame inherent in victim mentality that many of us do whatever we can to give the impression that we are NOT feeling like a victim when we are, and that we do not see ourselves as the victim when we do. The raw truth is that we feel hurt and we feel helpless. Our relationships absolutely depend on our ability to be completely authentic about how we feel. So when we cannot be authentic about feeling hurt and feeling helpless, we cannot culture positive relationships. We are instead manufacturing a façade so that we will look good to ourselves and to others.
The unhealthy Ego is concerned with power. Not the good kind of power (like empowerment), the kind of power that needs something to be less powerful in order to feel powerful by comparison. And the ego can gain this power by being the good guy. People who are trapped in victimhood mentality are after the kind of power that belongs to someone being righteous or good. But the ego that is concerned with being righteous or good needs someone to be the bad guy to exist. Similarly, an ego can gain power by being the victor. People who are trapped in victor mentality are after the kind of power that belongs to someone superior and strong. This kind of person cannot ever admit to vulnerability. This kind of ego may be unwilling to admit to any negative emotions at all. Or it may not have a real problem with expressing anger or negative emotional states that it perceives as strong, while refusing to admit to negative emotional states that it perceives as weak. This ego crumbles at the thoughts of admitting to fear and especially hurt. Admitting that their feelings got hurt is like a death sentence. This ego thinks that by denying vulnerability, especially any notion of victimhood, it is a victor. It was won. We get to choose between being in polarity such as right and thus making someone wrong, or good and thus making someone bad, superior and thus making someone inferior, justified and thus making someone unjustified. OR love. You cannot have both. Separation into self and other or love is your basic choice in every moment of interpersonal interaction. Another way of saying this is we get to struggle for power of we get love. The ego that is concerned with being a victor is on a disguised power trip, a power trip that is disguised as virtuosity. We mistake for strength and a power trip that we commend and approve of. I meet with people so often who refuse to acknowledge their powerlessness, pain, disappointment and hurt to themselves or to anyone else because they don’t want to see themselves as succumbing to victim mentality and they don’t want anyone else to see them this way. This is especially true if we are in a ‘you create your own reality’ or ‘positive focus’ community. We will avoid admitting to anything that suggests we felt hurt by someone else because we know it will be turned back on us and invalidated just as fast as we say it. Consider that the willingness to be vulnerable enough to admit to feeling hurt can be the opposite of victimhood. Consider that we can share our experience of feeling hurt, powerless or afraid without blame or attack, but instead simply to authentically share our experience. This allows us to own what is ours and the other person to own what is theirs and create repair in the relationship so that we reconnect with one another.
If you have an ego that is addicted to seeing itself as the victor and never the victim, Ask yourself the following: “How is sharing how you feel, even if how you feel is hurt, the opposite of being a victim? Pretending to feel differently than how we really feel comes at a serious cost no matter whether or not we are doing so to avoid something we have decided is unacceptable. We are out of alignment with our own sense of integrity. We cannot address our real feelings, instead they become suppressed.
The universe is full of contradictory truths. This is because the universe is multi dimensional and so a truth from one universal perspective is “all is well” and at another, where children are losing their limbs to grenades at war, a truth is “the world is screwed up”. Both of these truths are true. So at one level of the universe, it is a truth that there is no such thing as a victim. Sometimes this perspective or truth serves us greatly. At another level of the universe people do get hurt by each other. Just think about the Nazi concentration camps and you’ll see this truth. We run into trouble when we try to use universal truths to invalidate other universal truths instead of learning to hold and honor contradictory truths. What do we know about invalidated feelings? They do not resolve themselves. If we feel hurt by someone else, it is important to own up to that instead of simply invalidate that feeling in ourselves by using the universal truth that there is no such thing as a victim. When we feel hurt by something that someone said or did, it is like a tear in the fabric of our connection. If we do not address the tear that occurred, it will not heal, it will fester. It will turn into resentment and distance between us. If we do address it, in a way where we own our feelings that occurred as a result of whatever happened (rather than telling them what they did wrong and blaming our hurt on them) we open the door for relationship repair, relief, healing and even greater closeness and intimacy.
If you’re scared, say you’re scared. If you don’t know, say you don’t know. If you made a mistake, say you made a mistake. If you feel hurt, say you’re hurt. If you’re in love, say you’re in love. Be as transparent and real as you possibly can be. It is useless to expect yourself to stop caring what other people think. You are going to care, we all are. We all care what other people think. But we have the choice to let that caring imprison us or not. Be real and transparent even with the fear that they will think poorly of you because it ‘looks bad’ because honestly whether it’s today or years from now, you will come to find it is too painful and impossible to live any other way. Don’t believe me? Just try to ‘look good’ for two groups of people with opposing values at the same time. Being vulnerable means opening yourself up to the risk of being hurt because the potential pay off of opening up is greater than the risk of being hurt. In order for connection to happen, we must allow ourselves to be seen and felt and heard. Our capacity for love is hidden like a seed in the vulnerability that we keep so carefully guarded behind our egos and our ego’s many defenses. Ask yourself, if I knew that being hurt was inevitable and there was no way to avoid it, how would I live my life differently? What risk would I take right now that I haven’t been taking? My favorite quote of all time which just so happens to be from Anais Nin really does say it all… "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
Hopelessness is one of the lowest vibrational frequencies on earth and the one that causes people to commit suicide. Why does it lead people to commit suicide? Because hopelessness is a feeling state that tells you, you will suffer forever. This causes you to think…if there is no way to improve the situation, you can guarantee one thing about your future, pain. No one would stick around for that. If you have experienced trauma in childhood, especially abuse of any kind, this feeling of hopelessness is most likely deeply ingrained and continues to reappear in your life. And who blames you? You did experience a situation where you were trapped and powerless to do something about it. Anyone would struggle with hopelessness if they found themselves in that situation. And if you currently feel hopelessness, it is important to know that nothing has gone wrong if you feel that way. The way you feel is an accurate reflection of the thoughts you are thinking about whatever conditions you find yourself in. Anyone who experienced those conditions and thought those thoughts as a result of it would feel the exact same way.
But if you are in a state of hopelessness, here is what to do...
Whatever you do, do not try to focus positively and do not try to think happy thoughts. Don’t you dare write a single affirmation or even look at one. This will only serve to make matters worse and make you feel more hopeless. Hopelessness functions like a spider’s web. The more desperate you feel to try hard with effort to get out of it, the more ensnared you become. When you are feeling hopeless, you’ve already entered into anything you do with an attitude of “it’s not going to work”.
You have two options: The first option, which is a more short-term solution, is to completely distract yourself. This means get your attention off of the thoughts you are thinking and the conditions you are in and place your focus on anything that feels better because it captures your full attention. For example, you could read a book, watch a stand up comic, play a video game, play a sport or something else and when you feel your emotional state improve, and then you can begin to deliberately focus positively or do some other activity that is specifically designed to improve your mood. The one thing you want to watch for with this option is it can be tempting to use distraction as a permanent state of escapism from life itself. The second option, which is in fact my favorite because it is a much more long-term solution, is to stop trying to do anything else and instead, be completely present with the experience of hopelessness within your body. Instead of resisting it, invite it to consume you and flow through you. Give it your undivided and unconditional presence and attention. Allow the hopelessness fully. The feeling of being hopeless and trapped is a reflection of childhood experiences of helplessness. To understand this process fully, you can watch my video on YouTube titled: “How to Heal the Emotional Body”.
Dis-identify with your thoughts. To do this, you step into an observational state of being. If you are the observer of your thoughts and feelings, there must be an aspect of your consciousness that is beyond them. In other words, you must not simply be your thoughts and emotions. This awareness allows us to disconnect with that aspect of our experience. The best way to think of it is to imagine yourself as a deep, still glacial lake. Your thoughts and emotions are like ripples on the surface of that lake. They are still part of the lake, but they are not the whole lake. By sinking beneath them, you can experience yourself as the stillness underneath that is now observing the feelings and thoughts on the surface of you. You can experience them without judgment about whether they are right or wrong or about what they mean. This dis-identification is an amazing way to stop the momentum of thought which is critical when it comes to downward negative spirals. I have a meditation that will help you to do this, to try it watch my video on YouTube titled: “Mindfulness Meditation (The Observer Self).”
Once the doom has dissipated a bit after doing these things, like a fog clearing from the mountains, start a list to hang somewhere in your room in plain sight of things to look forward to. These could be little things and big things. If you don’t have anything to look forward to, start putting things in your schedule to look forward to, things that will make it feel like you actually have a tomorrow to live into. Hopelessness is the opposite vibration of things to look forward to, so this exercise will improve the way you feel. Just remember, if you’re trapped in hopelessness still, trying to do this step or the next step I’m about to give you is a bad idea that will only make you feel worse.
Every day, do a scavenger hunt (either on paper or in your head) of things you appreciate about your current life. Things that are positive and are going right. It is not possible to think a thought of appreciation or gratitude and think a thought that vibrates at hopelessness at the same time. It is like an antidote to thoughts that try to convince you that life has gone badly and is going badly and will go badly for you .
Face the issue by directly addressing the situation, which is really at hand. This situation at hand is that you feel trapped. How do you feel trapped? What do you feel trapped between or by? Keep in mind that it might be negative thoughts that you feel out of control of and trapped by. What situation feels intolerable? How am I holding myself back or holding myself prisoner right now? If there are any changes you can make to this intolerable situation, make them. Involve other people, including professionals to see the options that you most likely do not see in this seemingly futile situation. Even if we cannot control any aspect of our external circumstance that we find ourselves in, we still have control over what we are focused upon. We are interpreting circumstances and events in our lives through the lens of meaning that we are helplessly trapped. We need to be willing to ask ourselves… is it 100% true that we are trapped? All too often we are endlessly focusing on the things we can’t change about a situation instead of on the things we can. That being said, the more futile the situation seems, the more important it is to embracing uncertainty. For more on how to do this, watch my video on YouTube titled: “How to Deal with Uncertainty”.
Do activities you enjoy or used to enjoy. When we feel hopeless, ironically we give up on doing the things that cause is to feel better. So force yourself to get out and do something that you know you enjoy currently or that you used to enjoy once upon a time.
Hopelessness is in fact indicative of a need that we feel powerless to meet or to have met. And all too often, we are not even consciously aware of what the need is. The circumstance that we are experiencing is causing us to experience a deprivation for that need. So, once you discover what that need is, brainstorm other ways to get that need met. Ask directly for what you need from others as well.
Consider that if life is hopeless, then you can give up. Embrace hopelessness. This may sound counterproductive, but hopelessness functions like a spider’s web. The more you try to resist it, the more stuck in it you become. Sometimes, we have to release all resistance by just giving up in the situation we are so desperate to get out of or fix or change. This is the practice of surrender. Then we are left with the question… if it really is hopeless and there’s nothing to do but to give up on this, what can I do instead to feel just a little bit better?
Let yourself cry, even try to induce crying. Crying is a huge release. As it applies to hopelessness, crying is magic. It is an internal release of resistance. It may be just what we need to clear the fog of helplessness from our minds and thus allow clarity to return.
If you are feeling hopeless, it is tempting to think that you have given up and surrendered, but the truth is that if you feel hopeless, you have not given up; you are instead banging your head against a wall. You are in a state of resistance and you are stuck in a kind of futile desperation to change what you want to change. We have been told for all our life that the strong never surrender. But I am proposing the opposite. I am proposing that it takes even more strength to willingly surrender and to let go of what cannot be changed so that the universe may open doors to what can be. Perhaps it is when we surrender the fight that the jail bars will swing open.
You cannot have a sense of self without also simultaneously having a sense of other. Identity served universal expansion because source (otherwise known as united consciousness) could not become conscious of itself from a platform of non-identity. There was no contrast inherent in that. Oneness cannot comprehend oneness except from a vantage point of separation. Just like a fish cannot conceive of water until it has experienced air. And so, identity was conceived. A more practical way of explaining this as it relates to you is that the separate self, or ego is the necessary condition for you to experience oneness or enlightenment. Whenever we associate something with our self, we identify with it. It becomes part of us. We make it the same as us. This is what attachment really is. It is identification. And if that thing we identify with is ever threatened, we experience it as a threat to our own survival (a personal attack). One could argue that identification is a good thing when we identify with things that cause us to feel good. But the thing is, the minute we identify with something that causes us to feel good, it contains within it the seeds of it’s own opposite. Worthiness carries the seeds of unworthiness; excitement carries the seeds of disappointment. Far more troubling however, is that we often identify with things that cause us to feel bad and as such, we must keep those things alive in order to keep our own sense of self alive. A great many spiritual teachers will emphasize the importance of dis-identifying from things outside you, most especially other people. But it is my opinion that when it comes to identification, it is not other things external to us that cause us the most amount of suffering. It is identification with things we perceive to be internal to us. We are the most identified with the three primary aspects of ourselves; our body, our mind and our emotions. Each of these three aspects is inherently a different expression of source consciousness. We mistake these expressions to be the totality of who we are. A bit like a painter who has become so identified with his painting that he has forgotten that who he ultimately is, is more than his painting. We think we ARE our emotions, we ARE our body and we ARE our thoughts. And as such, we are so attached to them that they affect us immensely. They cause us to suffer. Those of us, who have painful emotions, painful thoughts or a painful body, suffer to the degree that life is a torment.
This is the reason that dis-identification is one of the highest forms of spiritual practice you can take on. In truth, you could dis-identify with just about anything. To dis-identify with something, you must identify it as different to yourself. You must see it as “other” than you. For example, if you would like to dis-identify from your own pain, all you must do is to conceptualize of your pain as a separate entity and when you experience pain, observe the pain as if you were watching this separate entity reacting. In this way, you do not take the pain personally. You have disowned it. But the most important thing you can do if you have taken on the practice of dis-identification is to dis-identify from your body, your thoughts and your emotions. What you will find is that any external identifications with other people, places and things, will fall away when you do this, because all these external identifications pass through the filter of the identification you have with your body, thoughts and emotions. The hardest part of spiritual practice is the complimentary contradictions inherent in a multidimensional universe. Ultimately, the highest truth is that all is one. The painter is one with the painting. And so, any form of dis-identification is to enhance ‘self’ and ‘otherness’ in this universe. Nothing is other than you, not your mind, not your body, not your emotions, not other people, not your kitchen table, not your dog, not the clouds nor the cement on the sidewalk. But to even see, much less experience this truth, we must first dis-identify with the very things that are keeping us locked in our own intense sense of identity. The false self is a composite of things you are identified with. Like onion layers, when we strip each thing we are identified with away to expose the truth of who and what we really are… the true self is revealed. We do not do this “separating from” process with an attitude of resistance. Instead we allow the aspects of us we are wanting to dis-identify from to fall away like rose petals exposed to the sun as a result of exposing them to our conscious awareness. This is the key. To try to push away the things you are identified with, only causes you to become more identified. It only causes you to feel rejected by yourself. You will essentially cause an intense survival reaction within yourself in response to your own self-rejection. You cannot try to take something away from yourself without hurting yourself. As it applies to body, thoughts and emotions, you cannot try hard to disconnect from those aspects of yourself without those things being perceived internally by you as self-abandonment. The way to allow these aspects to fall away is to recognize them first and foremost. I want you to take out a sheet of paper and jot down all the things you suspect you might be identified with. Yes, you can be sure that there are many more than what you will come up with. But this is a consciousness exercise. A good way to find things you’re identified with is to look at everything you call “mine” for example, the minute you say my friends, you are identified and thus attached to them. Also, everything you would put after “I am (x).” For example, the minute you say I am (sexy), you are identified with being sexy. Try to identify thoughts and beliefs you are identified with. For example, “money doesn’t grow on trees” might be a thought you are identified with. Try to recognize emotions you are identified with. The ones you are the most identified with are the ones that are chronic or come up most often. For example, disappointment might be one of them. Also, try to recognize the aspects of your body that you are identified with. For example, if you see yourself as fat, you are physically identified with being fat.
Anything you identify with will cause a strong reaction in you. The ego has owned it as part of the composite that makes up what it is. Whenever those things are threatened, the ego will go into a state of reactivity and defense. The ego has motive to maintain these aspects of our life, even if they cause us pain. It sees the loss of these things as annihilation. We can even become identified with pain and when this is the case, the ego has motive to keep us in pain. But it is the identification with pain that often leads to a crisis point, by which the pain becomes so acute that one eventually commits emotional suicide by shedding their identifications and thus identity all at once. This is what occurs during a spontaneous awakening. All this being said, the real practice is to recognize the things we are identified with as they arise. This is easiest to do with emotions. You can use strong emotions as an alarm bell, awakening you to the fact that you are identified with something and thus need to recognize something. It is a call to become intensely present and aware with your full attention on what is really occurring within you. By recognizing it, you are observing it, meaning you are in the perspective of the higher self-being present with your temporal self rather than being lost in the perspective of the temporal self. When a strong emotion arises, face it within yourself instead of reacting to it or reacting in order to try to get away from it. When you feel it, use the feeling as a reminder that this feeling is the emotional body becoming activated or charged like an electric fence (as in not me). It is not the emotion itself that is causing the suffering you feel, it is the fact that you identify with it that is causing you the pain you feel. This is all it takes to dis-identify with something.
Don’t try to stop caring about how you feel and don’t try to change how you feel. Just recognize it and let it be there. You will often experience insight coming as a result of observing the emotion. You may discover what triggered it, what meaning you assigned to the trigger and also insight about the situation that causes it to dissipate on it’s own. When it comes to negative emotions, we can see how we identify with them even in how we speak. We say, I am angry or I am sad as if those emotions are quite literally what we are. Don’t worry about this process repressing your emotions. Dis-identification is not repression or suppression. Instead it introduces choice into your emotional expression. It is helpful to think that in the moment you are becoming totally aware of your negative emotions, recognizing them and observing them without resistance to them, you are introducing the light of consciousness to them and thus, they are consumed by the light of consciousness like a filmstrip when it is burnt. When it comes to thoughts, it works the same way. By recognizing a thought and observing it and letting it be there, you do not add fuel to it. It stops attracting other like thoughts and so you have stopped the momentum of thought. This stops the negative spiral. When it comes to the body, if you think you are your body, and the body changes, you lose your identity. You can practice observing the body as if it is an experience you are currently having rather than who you are. This is the whole ‘spiritual being having a human experience’ concept. When you recognize your body, see it, feel it and consciously experience it, you are in that moment not your body. You are dis-identified with it.
You are not the ego. You are not the separate self. The minute you dis-identify with it by becoming aware of the ego or the separate self, you are in that moment, not it. You are acutely aware of who and what you are not and so the greatest obstacle between you and the true self or united consciousness is dissolved. All that remains is what you are, a state that transcends all opposites… A state of peace and unwavering grace.
Take a look at our lives. While there are some things we do specifically because we are following our joy, the bulk of things we do in our life, we do specifically to avoid and escape pain. We go to school and then work so we can guarantee we wont feel the pain of being broke. We try to be as careful as possible with selecting a partner who is a safe bet so we don’t have to feel the pain of heartbreak. We get married so we can guarantee we wont feel the pain of separation. We take that pill so we don’t have to feel the residual pain of previous traumas in our emotional body. We put money in a retirement fund so we don’t have to feel the pain of working forever. Just take a look at your life objectively and see how much of it is lived to escape or avoid pain.
This is not your fault. All species on earth are physically designed to avoid pain and gain pleasure. We are designed for the constant movement away from pain and towards pleasure. This is not a tormenting process until we add painful meaning to pain… until we make feeling pain mean something. This causes us to resist pain itself. And what do we know about resistance? Whatever we resist persists. Most of us are absolutely terrified of pain because of what we have made pain mean.
So right now, I want you to ask yourself and answer as deeply and honestly as possible from the core of your being, what do I make pain mean? Here is an example: To one person, pain might mean that they did or are doing something wrong and therefore they need to correct something or change it instantly. If they don’t correct the thing that is wrong, this might mean to them that they are unlovable, not good and unwanted which leads to being rejected and forsaken. So pain equals being rejected and alone. The physical human, being a social group species, equates being alone with death. In truth, for many of us, being isolated is worse than death. So we would prefer death to being alone. If this is the case, pain becomes a worse fate than death. If we are this person, we will become terrified of pain. If we are this person, we have made feeling pain wrong and therefore bad. We will be desperate to get out of pain the second we feel it. We will chronically ruminate and worry. Our life will be a futile, desperate attempt to control external conditions so we never feel pain. And we will be in more pain than the average person because of it.
This is what most of us think. We think pain is wrong and therefore bad. If we feel pain, we think something has gone terribly wrong. And nowhere is this truer than in the spiritual community. Modern spiritual practice has recognized that emotions serve as a compass. When we subscribe to the idea that we create our own reality with our mind, we begin to use the way we feel to indicate whether we are in the process of creating and attracting something we want to create or whether we are in the process of creating and attracting something don’t want to create. Suddenly, negative emotions and pain becomes enemy number one. Pain becomes conceptualized as an error. Pain becomes wrong. We need to drastically alter the way that we see pain. Pain is not bad or wrong. Pain is an indication that you are alive. Numbness is an indication you are not alive. Pain is also a multi dimensional experience. It involves the physical, emotional and mental aspect of our being. And it is all interrelated, meaning physical pain causes emotional and mental pain, mental pain causes emotional and physical pain, and emotional pain causes mental and physical pain. No matter whether you perceive pain as starting at a physical, emotional or mental level, it will end up involving the other two aspects of our being.
When we feel pain, it does something; it calls our attention and focus to whatever is in need of presence. This is the real reason why suffering has been the main doorway to enlightenment for so many thousands of years. The presence of your consciousness transforms suffering into awakening. Because of this, to try to make it go away shouldn’t be our goal; we need to let the pain show us what needs to be shown and known. It alerts us to where we are out of alignment. It is a crucial aspect of healing. What modern medicine will eventually figure out is that pain in fact triggers repair mechanisms. It alerts us to the aspects of ourselves that need to be brought back into alignment so that we can become whole. In fact, a while back I was teaching a group of health professionals and one of them shared this beautiful insight with me that the letters of the word pain stand for… Pay Attention Integrate Now. Pain prompts you to re-evaluate and change your life.
The purpose of life is to facilitate consciousness becoming conscious of itself. Pain calls us to become conscious of ourselves. It is the catalyst for self- knowledge. It wakes us up from our unconscious slumber and as such, people who experience pain are provided the opportunity to wake up. It is a biofeedback system telling us about ourselves. It is a messenger. All too often, when we think pain is bad, we shoot the messenger.
Pain calls for presence. When we go into pain, it puts others in the position of providing their presence, often in the form of assistance. It unites us in this way. Pain equalizes us and forces a shared experience. This has powerful implication as it applies to ourselves as well. Pain calls us powerfully into the present moment with ourselves; it causes us to fully be with ourselves. This is the opposite of self-abandonment. Being fully present with ourselves and with what is, is a high level spiritual practice, one that is forced by pain. Pain is a catalyst for expansion. The universe expands when we expand and we expand as a result of forming new preferences. Pain causes us to become acutely aware of what is authentically desired and what is not desired so that we can go in the direction of what is desired and thus expand. The entire process we call evolution is in fact the byproduct of pain. Discomfort triggers wanting and that wanting triggers an evolutionary process by which we align with our desires.
Pain creates a very empowered person. Each time pain gives us the opportunity to become aware of the cause of the pain, we must face an aspect of ourselves and our lives that scares us or that we are trying to avoid. By doing this, we become more and more non reactive, more and more present with ourselves, more and more comfortable with facing fears until the things we fear lose their power over us. We develop a kind of graceful immunity.
Pain is contrast. We need contrast to become aware. We cannot understand black without white. We could not understand or truly experience pleasure without knowing pain. In this way, pain enriches positive emotional states and in fact increases our capacity for pleasure. To the degree we have suffered, we are capable of the opposing level of joy. Pain is also the seed of compassion. We must know pain, to recognize it in another. We must know pain to care enough to create a world that is free from suffering. Pain is the catalyst to improving all of your relationships… Your relationship with life, your relationship with other people, your relationship with the universe at large and your relationship with yourself. Pain becomes suffering when pain is not responded to with presence. When it is hushed, suppressed, denied, disowned and pushed past and when unconscious meaning is added to it. You do not need to suffer because of pain. Suffering is about perception. In other words, suffering is what happens when you make pain itself mean something negative. To understand how meaning changes pain into suffering, watch my YouTube video titled: "Meaning, The Self-Destruct Button".
It is well known that pain is experienced differently by people who make the pain mean something positive instead of negative. During World War 2 it is widely reported that a great many soldiers could be operated on with little to no anesthetic because they took pride in their wounds. For these individuals, their wounds did not cause suffering because of what they meant. This tells us that we need to change the meaning we add to pain. Treat pain like a teacher and learn from your pain. Visualize the pain; see it in your mind. What color is it? What texture is it? When did it start? When, by your experience, do you expect it to stop or decrease in intensity? How big is it? Where does it exist? Where does it not exist? Explore around the pain and find the edges of it. If your pain could speak to you, what would it say? What does it need? We need to be willing to choose to be present with our pain and surrender to it to use pain to transform ourselves. See the truth that it is a companion for improvement rather than an adversary. To understand how to be present with your pain, watch my YouTube video titled “How To Heal The Emotional Body”. We often become identified with our pain. This is especially true if we have been in pain for a long time. But you are not your pain. The pain is an experience just like the ripples on the top of a lake are disturbances of the lake water; they are not the whole lake. We may benefit by dis-identifying from our pain by imagining the totality of it as a separate entity. When we feel pain, we can see that it is this pain entity that is “charged or activated” and not us. When we experience chronic pain, it means that pain is no longer an experience for us. We have not used the pain to create the change that it is telling us to make and instead, the pain has become us. It is our reality and it is our identity. The ego has now identified with it and thus sees it as crucial to its survival. We need to ask ourselves honestly the following questions: What bad thing would happen if I sat with my pain and allowed it completely instead of trying to make it go away? What would it take or what would have to happen for me to completely allow my pain? What bad thing would happen if the pain truly did go away? To understand more about dis-identification, watch my YouTube video titled “Dis-identification (The Practice of Non Attachment)”.
We are programmed in our current society not to feel. We are conditioned to believe that feeling pain is both unnecessary and a bad thing and that we’ve somehow failed. This attitude fuels all kinds of addictions by convincing us that we must escape the pain as fast as we can. It causes us to resist pain and thus feel even more pain. Next time you feel pain, remind yourself that pain is the catalyst for the true alchemy of life change. It is one of the best things that can happen to you. It is not an indication that something is wrong any more than birthing contractions are an indication that something is wrong. It is an indication that you are expanding transforming and becoming conscious and aware. You are evolving into what you are meant for. You are giving birth to a new self and a new life.
Infidelity is a betrayal of a relationship. And infidelity is a leading cause of lost friendships, breakups and divorces. Infidelity is not just about being sexually unfaithful. Infidelity is about any discontinuation of loyalty or support. And lack of allegiance. See where this blows the doors wide open for confusion? Infidelity is completely subjective. Some people have a very strict definition of fidelity and some have a very liberal definition of fidelity. It is based on belief systems, past experiences and education with regards to morality and personal preferences. If we witnessed or experienced infidelity in our childhood, we will most likely not even recognize the ways we lack fidelity. It will be a huge blind spot. This is especially true if we had a parent who was disloyal to us directly, or whose allegiance we could not trust. You will find that infidelity is perceived differently amongst cultures. For example, in some cultures, it is considered perfectly appropriate and therefore not a breech of fidelity for a man to have a mistress. In others, that would be considered wrong and bad. Though sexual infidelity is the dominant fidelity concern in modern society, emotional infidelity is in fact the number one fidelity threat to relationships. Emotional affairs are where one person is emotionally intimate with someone other than their partner where the attachment formed to the other person, negatively affects the connection or partnership. Infidelity is all about trying to get one’s own needs met. When infidelity is present, someone’s needs are not being met within a relationship so they seek them outside the relationship in ways that are damaging to the relationship itself. For example, if we feel we lack self-esteem, we may flirt to be admired by others so that need is met.
If we try to get one single person to meet every one of our needs, we are particularly at risk for infidelity because it places too much pressure on our partner. They will fail at that task and then, we will look for the needs to be met elsewhere. A person will not stay in a space of self-denial for long. Which is why we have to be clear about which needs must be met by a partner specifically and see if that is something they are willing to do. But no one can tell you which needs are appropriate to have and which needs are not. A good relationship is not about learning to have no needs. So for example, romance may be a need that must come through a partner as opposed to a friend and if this is an agreement, seeking romance outside the relationship is an infidelity. Where we run into a big barrier with fidelity is when we begin to involve morality in the picture. Arguing over what is objectively right and wrong within a relationship is futile and is also not a winnable argument because relationship conduct, especially fidelity is subjective. It is mostly based on cultural conditioning. So rather than have a conversation about fidelity based on wrongness or rightness, we need to have one based on individual perspectives and reach an agreement within the relationship that is accepted by both parties. In other words, we need to set out the parameters of fidelity within each relationship we have, whether it be a friendship or a romantic partnership as soon as possible. This provides a stable structure for conduct within the relationship. It is a platform for trust, which can be easily and innocently broken if we do not find a meeting of minds about fidelity enough to agree upon a course of conduct. Communication is not important when it comes to this agreement… it is critical. Obviously the topic of infidelity is closely related to the topic of jealousy. So don’t worry in the very near future, I’m going to do an episode on jealousy and envy. Fidelity is about both people agreeing upon the boundaries of the relationship itself as if the relationship itself were a third entity that both were in charge of. For example, one person might see venting to other people about the relationship as an infidelity and the other might not. So this leaves the door wide open for trust to be broken and so it is important to reach an agreement about this act within the relationship. Only you and the other person know what constitutes relationship infidelity so leave society’s opinion out of it.
We have to begin to define and set up boundaries for the relationships we are in. Sometimes, these are defined as you go… usually when there has been a violation. But because these boundary violations can be so detrimental to a relationship, it is best if we set them up at the very beginning. That way we can set up the rules we both play by. This can prevent us from feeling like we are walking our way through a field of buried land mines… we don’t know where the trigger is, but we seem to trip the trigger every time. You know what that kind of relationship feels like. If you have a hard time with personal boundaries, it will be very hard to create healthy boundaries for a relationship because to create healthy boundaries for the relationship itself, you have to definitively know the needs and wants of each person within the relationship. For this reason, I urge you to watch my YouTube video titled “How To Develop Healthy Boundaries”. To define boundaries within a relationship, you must communicate. You must voice your preferences and see if compromise can be reached in every area of your life where you might run into a feeling of broken trust. For example, sexual conduct, privacy concerns, time spent together vs. apart and how to handle problems in the relationship. Try to be very specific as well. For example if you’re discussing the relationship boundaries involving flirting with other people, avoid making sweeping statements like “no flirting”. Be specific about what kind of flirting is ok and what kind of flirting isn’t ok and if no flirting is ok, define what flirting is to you in practical action. An example of a specific practical boundary with regards to flirting might be no touching or no seductive eye contact with another person.
I suggest that when we begin a new relationship, we begin by answering compatibility questionnaires together. The more specific and uncomfortable the questions are to answer, the better. As long as you are able to answer truthfully, instead of by saying what you imagine the other person wants to hear. Trust me, if you experience enough painful relationships, you’ll decide it’s much better to discover you’re incompatible before you commit to the partnership. These compatibility questionnaires can flush areas of potential future infidelity to the surface. And be open to boundaries changing within the relationship as time goes on. Relationships evolve just like people do. Now we come to a very fascinating aspect of fidelity. Polyamory vs. Monogamy. Monogamy can be seen as intimacy with only one person. Polyamory can be seen as intimacy with more than one person. Intimacy is more than sex. Sex may be an aspect of intimacy, or it may not. But intimacy is the closeness that occurs as the result of sharing oneself with another. Seeing into, feeling into, listening into another and partaking of their inner world. So you see, most people on earth are in fact not solely monogamous and not solely polyamorous. They are instead a unique blend of both. To greatly simplify what I mean, lets’ pretend that under each person’s name is a line of boxes, where you can check polyamorous or monogamous. In the various areas of a relationship, any given person will be either polyamorous or monogamist. For example, one person might be romantically monogamist but polyamorous with regards to sharing intimate details about themselves like their deepest fears. Another person might be monogamist sexually and also monogamist with regards to sharing intimate details about themselves and their deepest fears. Intimacy conflicts in relationships arise when there is an incompatibility between these checked boxes. These boxes fit into the categories of physical, mental and emotional. When one is sexually polyamorous, they fit into the category of physical polyamory. When one is committed to the idea of openness and transparency, they fit into the category of emotional and even mental polyamory.
Be aware that sometimes, we are holding double standards in our relationships. These are areas where we are polyamorous and expect our partner to be ok with that, but we expect our partner to be monogamist in these same areas.
It must be said that most of the people in the spiritual field are emotionally polyamorous. And with the rare exception, if we live in an intentional community, we are actively practicing emotional polyamory at the very least. But it is more than possible to practice emotional polyamory whilst not being emotionally disloyal to a partner. Providing that a partner does not require emotional monogamy from you to feel a sense of connection and allegiance. In fact, when we have children in a relationship, we begin to practice a form of polyamory. There is a difference between infidelity and polyamory. With infidelity, we have broken an allegiance. This is what we call “cheating” or having an affair. Instead of including other people in our love, we have excluded someone from our love. We have excluded our partner or left them out of something. We are violating the connection. This is why secrecy is such a big part of infidelity. If you feel like you have to hide or keep something secret from another person, especially a partner, you have engaged in infidelity. Depending on your definition of fidelity, anything you do that is a detriment to the connection between you, can be seen as a form of infidelity. Which is why yet again, it is so crucial to define what is and isn’t considered detrimental to the connection. Complete open, honesty and compromise in this area is important to create a safe structure of fidelity for the relationship.
Defining this safe structure is often lovingly referred to by therapists as creating a ‘couple bubble’. Only you and your significant other can decide upon the parameters of that couple bubble and what pops it or maintains it. Compromise is when we give up something important for something we see as more important. But because we value the thing we are gaining by giving something up so much more, it does not lead to resentment. We see it as a good trade. When we try to give up something we value highly for something that we feel holds lesser value, we end up with resentment. This is not healthy compromise, this is sacrifice. And it’s important to know that when many people use the word compromise, they really mean sacrifice. This is out of alignment. When we develop relationships, we rarely consider whether or not we are compatible. We fall in love and think our fate is sealed. But genuine intimacy incompatibilities with regards to fidelity are rarely incompatibilities that can be worked through because they cannot be worked though in a way that compromise is satisfying to both parties. Both parties usually have to sacrifice instead of compromise and this leads to breaks in trust, resentment and disconnection. It is tempting to believe that love conquers all within a partnership, but you may want to watch my video titled “Is love enough” before you make up your mind on that account. Relationship experts keep saying that communication is the key to a good relationship. Why do they keep saying it? Because it’s the straight up truth. This is especially true when it comes to establishing fidelity in our relationships. If we don’t communicate, we set our partner up to fail and our relationship does not stand a chance. We are setting our relationships up for failure when we expect our partner to know and adhere to the parameters of our definition of fidelity. We have to tell people; especially our partner when our needs aren’t being met or our boundaries are being violated in a relationship and give them and ourselves the opportunity to work through it to find a way to accommodate those needs. This includes our children. As parents, we practice infidelity with our children all the time without realizing it. And this is what sets them up to repeat the cycle in their adult relationships. Take an objective look at your relationship with your child; pretend to step into their perspective and observe each interaction with you (the parent) over the course of a day. Can you see ways that you are not faithful to them by discontinuing loyalty and support? For example, perhaps when you sided with a sibling against them, they felt betrayed. Do they observe infidelity between you and your spouse?
Chances are in a relationship; we are going to make mistakes. A huge part of fidelity is about doing what it takes to repair a relationship once a rupture in the relationship has occurred. This imbues the relationship with a sense of loyal, supportive and secure trust. So don’t worry as much about not making mistakes as you worry about using mistakes to define relationship boundaries and taking action in accordance with them to develop greater future trust.
When we sleep, our consciousness returns to non-physical focus. It’s a bit like a mini death as we go back to source perspective. When we dream, our consciousness is essentially out of body. We are experiencing a higher frequency dimensional reality. A dimension that contains the blue print for what is in the process of manifesting. We are having an out of body experience albeit not a conscious one. And we are identified with our dreamscape until of course we learn how to lucid dream, at which point at which we are viewing our dream through the eyes of our eternal perspective which is dis-identified with that dream thought scape. If we were not out of body at least to a certain degree, our body would act out everything we encounter in a dream, which would be very dangerous to our health. In dreaming, because our consciousness is dissociated from our body, the aspect of our brain that controls motor function is disabled. Dreams are not happening all night. In the moment you are awakening, dreams are downloaded as your consciousness focuses into and through the higher dimensions to reach physical focus once again. The vibration is being downloaded and translated so that the mind can make sense of the vibration. We call these translations, dreams.
True dreams are a direct reflection of what is going on with you vibrationally. When you go to sleep, you are not in the process of actively creating in your reality. But the things that you have been in the process of creating are still active within you. The things you’ve been thinking and the feelings you’ve been feeling in your waking life and what manifests in your reality are always a match. Your dreams are always a vibrational match to what you’ve been thinking and feeling as well. In fact, dreams are a preview of pre-manifested reality. They are a fabulous tool for pre manifestational awareness. Anything you focus on or pay attention to could manifest as a dream.
Because you have no resistance in your sleep, you are not tensing yourself against the conditions of your life or condemning yourself or pretending things are different than they are and so you are able to see the reflection of your vibration exactly as it is. Your subconscious mind (things you don’t know that you don’t know) can be revealed to you. This is why so many psychologists have noticed that dreams are a window to the subconscious. Sleepers, dream about what they encounter in real life. Especially emotional concerns. However, in your dreams these vibrations play out as exact reflections. This means that your mind will choose structure for these dreams that is the closest match to the vibration itself. The expectations and therefore beliefs in dreamscape are different than they are in waking state, which is why they can manifest in this way. In waking life, we hold a belief unicorns do not exist. In dream state, we do not. So, in dream state, a unicorn can show up. In waking state one cannot. Another example of how the mind will choose structure for these dreams that is the closest match to the vibration itself is that in your waking life, you may feel as if your boss at work is mean and elicits fear from you every time he enters the office. In dreaming life, the closest match to the actual feeling you feel may be trying to avoid getting eaten by an alligator. So, you will dream about an alligator; having no idea that the Alligator symbolically represents your boss. In waking life, you may not be willing to own up to just how afraid you are of your boss. You may be tensing against the awareness of that fear by thinking that it is normal to feel bad about authority or by avoiding him. There is a difference in the translation of the vibrations within you in dream state than there is in the translation of vibrations within you in waking state even though the vibration is the same. This is especially true relative to the continuity experienced in dreamscape vs. waking life. But this dream exists to help you to own up to what you are unwilling to own up to. You are not thinking this way and feeling this way on purpose, but you are doing it. So what purpose does this preview serve? Because your pre-manifestational reality shows up in dreamtime as an exact reflection of your vibration, you get to see it play out. Life is a learning hologram that facilitates universal expansion. This is the function of the perception of linear time and space. By seeing your vibration playing out in a dream, one can make amends to it. Dreaming helps therefore to incorporate memory, solve problems and process emotions. This is why when people dream about a task they have been doing in waking life, they will wake up and be able to perform the task better. There are two distinct phases of sleep. Many scientists refer to this as REM cycle and non REM cycle. In general, Non REM is about the past and REM is about the future. In non REM dreaming, we are processing memories, making them useful by learning from them (the past). In REM dreaming, we are in the creation or simulation phase of sleep. Whereby we try to take the learning we processed in non REM and try to move with it into (the future) to create something new. We problem solve. We try to connect the past with the future in a way that benefits our progression. We try to reach or actualize potentials within the dream construct. We are rehearsing creating our reality. For example, in non REM we may dream about skiing and in REM dream, we may dream we are buried in an avalanche and are trying to find our way out of the snow. This simulation may be a reflection of the fact that in life, we feel trapped and it may be helping us to find a way to get free.
Nightmares, more so than any other kind of dream are simulated rehearsals of threat so that we will be prepared to survive if we continue to encounter a similar threat in our waking life.
When you are dreaming, you are interacting mostly with the 5th and 6th dimensional reality. And because of this, any thought forms or beings that can vibrate at that frequency, can interact with you in your dreams. When you’re having a genuine dream, you are out of body interacting with your own thought scapes... Your own vibrational reality which is showing up symbolically and full of meaning so that you may use it to facilitate your own expansion. And it may benefit you for your guides to interact with you within these constructs.
Your dreams always have meaning. The reason that dream symbolism works like it does is that the mind associates certain things with other things, even across cultures. For example, all people may associate earthquakes with tragedy, insecurity, instability and powerlessness and so, dreaming of an earthquake may symbolically mean tragedy, instability, insecurity and powerlessness is what one is encountering in your life for all people. And why has it worked to interpret dreams so as to make a prophecy from them? Because dreams are a preview of what is going on for you currently, and if that does not change, it is what you will be a match to. So for example, using the previous example, it was widely believed that if you dreamed of an earthquake, you will experience a challenge that will cause you to experience a loss in your life. And it is true that if you are feeling doom, unstable, insecure and powerless, and you do nothing to alter the way you feel and thus your vibration, you are a match to what we call a tragedy. If you want to know about your overall vibration in life, take a look at the themes in your dreams, especially repetitive dreams. For example, you may be alone in all of your dreams. This means that feeling alone is a dominant theme in your waking life. You may be in danger in many of your dreams. This means you feel unsafe in waking life. You may fly in many of your dreams and assuming this isn’t just your mind’s perception of movement out of body, it could mean that in waking life, you feel free or hold a strong desire to escape from pressure. Desire is a strong vibration within us, which is why we can often dream about what we desire.
Many people do not remember their dreams. This is usually because the ego is engaged in a process of denial about some aspect of the self, most especially the contents of the subconscious mind. Very rarely, often in beings who have gone through an enlightenment, someone can stop remembering dreams because they have reached a state of non resistance where expansion has slowed within the consciousness, so the purpose of dreaming is diminished. The higher your frequency becomes in waking life, and the more sensitive you become, the easier it will be to remember dreams because your frequency will be closer to the 5th and 6th dimension, where these pre-manifestational realities exist.
So what are some things you can do with your dreams? I suggest you start a dream journal. The second you wake up, record any little detail you can remember about your dreams. Pay attention to how you feel about the aspects of your dreams and try to look at your waking life. What in your waking life feels similar to that? This will help you to see what these experiences in your dream symbolically represent in your waking life.
My personal favorite way to address dreams happens to be the most accurate way to interpret dreams. It takes the form of a perception experiment. Write down your dream as if it were happening in present tense and then you go into the perspective of or become every significant aspect of the dream and then explore and express your perspective as if it were taking place in present tense. For example, let’s say that I had a dream about an alligator in a swamp and there was a broken down shed by the swamp and the alligator ate my father. I would first record my perceptions and feelings as Teal. Then, I’d switch into the perspective of the swamp itself and say my perceptions and feelings like this… I am the swamp; I am ancient and full of sorrow. I am lonely and people are repulsed by me and I want Teal to wade into my waters, the alligator is my only companion etc. Then I’d switch into the perspective of the shed and state my perceptions and feelings. Then I’d be the alligator, and then I’d be my father being eaten. Do this with as many elements as you can to form the whole picture. See how this changes your perception of the dream. Every aspect of your dream is in fact an expression of yourself or your perception of life. In other words, every part of the dream is the dreamer. There’s no wrong way to do this. This is an exploration of the subconscious mind. Doing this, allows us to re-own the fractured or split off aspects of ourselves.
If you want to dream about something specific you can. Before you go to bed, set the intention. To do this, simply focus on whatever it is you want to dream about for 5 minutes and repeat I want to dream about (fill in the blank). You can do this with questions you want an answer to as well. In fact, many inventions have been the byproduct of this kind of dreaming.
Dreams are an invaluable aspect of our lives. They are a window into our inner world. They can and do play a major role in our expansion as well as our progression towards becoming fully conscious. And all of us dream, whether we are aware of it or not. In fact, an unfinished dream is called life.
Brutal honesty is not a tool to be taken lightly. Authenticity in the form of brutal honesty about someone else is often just an act of passive aggression, defense mechanism, a cover for emotional abuse… And often an excuse or justification for veiled personal attack. We may in fact be fooling ourselves that we love the honesty when in fact, what we love is the brutality. Brutality saves us from feeling vulnerable and powerless. It is a common reaction to feeling hurt in some way. We need to be aware of whether we are acting in our own best interests or theirs so that we can make a conscious decision about whether or not sharing our opinion is in fact in alignment with the highest good in the scenario we find ourselves in. And if it is, how to deliver the opinion that is in our own best interest and is not necessarily theirs. This takes a hell of a lot of honesty with ourselves. It’s very tempting for us to be brutally honest in the name of authenticity with someone and to tell ourselves that it is for their own good, when in fact it’s purely selfish on our parts.
Speaking of which, this pattern of brutal honesty is quite common when we have grown up in highly moral or hypercritical households, where our parents believed that criticism was a motivator for change. In these households, we grew up with the idea that something is wrong with us and so we are very hard on ourselves to be perfect so we can be accepted. Our wires became crossed to the degree that we now have an unconscious belief that what feels bad is good for us and what feels good is bad for us. Which is what happens when people hurt our feelings or do things that cause us pain and then tell us that it’s for our own good. We learn that this is the correct way to love, when it is not. When we love people in this way, it is not love… it is abuse. It also reinforces the programming ‘something is wrong with you or bad about you and you need to be fixed’.
There is no magic formula for sharing opinions. So much of this boils down to being emotionally attuned enough to know if or when you should or shouldn’t. When it comes to authenticity, we need to consider the receptivity of the other party. Did they solicit our truth? Do they want our opinion or are we imposing it on them? Is it going to benefit them or do them harm? Perhaps we simply want to be authentic because we feel inhibited and therefore feel the need to express ourselves. When this is the case, we need to ask ourselves, is there another way I could express myself or is being authentic for the sake of feeling a sense of release or inner freedom worth hurting someone else? The answer may be yes for you. There is no right or wrong answer to that. But we have to be honest about the fact that we are choosing in that moment between us and them and this polarization is most likely going to create conflict. Question whether being brutally honest is necessary… Ask yourself, what is my genuine intention for telling them this? Is it for their good or my own good? If it is necessary to speak your mind, it is possible to do so without causing injury to another person. It is all about the delivery. When we tell someone something out of love and care for them, it has an entirely different delivery than when we tell someone something for any other reason. Anyone can tell the difference. Criticism is a form of expression that honesty takes when we do not understand what it means to be genuinely authentic. For this reason, I want you to watch my YouTube video titled: Criticism (How To Give and Take Feedback).
As people, we all judge. This is how the ego navigates through the world. When the ego judges, it gets to survive. It is in that moment superior, justified, right and good. But the nasty side effect is that by being those things, it makes the other person inferior, unjustified, wrong or bad.
When we form negative opinions or draw negative conclusions about someone and then consider these judgments as truths about them, we become hard energetically. We lose our capacity to see different perspectives. We are closed-minded and closed hearted. We invite a boatload of conflict into our lives as well. This serves no one. It is critical that we practice becoming softer in our minds and hearts and to do this, we can have opinions, we simply have to hold them loosely enough that we can let go of them if they are no longer useful. We need to seek to understand and be understood rather than to disagree or assert our opinion. We need to question every single truth that we hold so that we can walk through the world with the kind of flexibility that allows higher truths to reveal themselves to us. You cannot stop yourself from judging. What you can do is to recognize when you are judging and not become attached to these judgments by believing them fully. They are observations that may or may not be direct reflections of truth. In fact, judgments of other people are so often simply projections cast forth from our subconscious mind that they rarely reflect truth. This is especially true if our projection takes the form of “I know what is best for you”, which it so often does when we are judging other people. Ultimately, though we can have opinions, we do not know what is best for someone else. We only know what is best for ourselves. To understand how this projection mechanism occurs, watch my video on YouTube titled “Projection (Understanding the Psychology of Projecting)”. The heart of being authentic is being vulnerable. The reason we aren’t authentic is because we are afraid that we will be rejected, unloved, not received etc. There is rarely anything vulnerable about judgment or brutal honesty. To be authentic is to express and own up to one’s own experience. We express them as if they are not absolute truth for anything except for our own experience. For example, lets say that someone ran into your car. You could think it’s authentic to express “you know what, you’re just too self centered to pay attention to anyone except yourself and where you want to go.” But this is actually defense, which is the opposite of authenticity. Being authentic might look something more like this… “That was really scary, it made me feel like I was invisible and didn’t matter.” One of the best ways to figure out how to express authentically is to ask yourself, what is the opposite of being defense in this scenario? Whatever you are trying to defend is in fact the vulnerability that you need to be authentic about.
I want you to think for a minute about what kind of world you want to create here on earth. The world is only ever a reflection of ourselves. So, do you want a brutal world? If so, be brutally honest. Do you want a tender world? If so, be tenderly honest. In my opinion, this world is harsh enough and it is not conducive to health and wellbeing. The time has come for a much greater level of sensitivity, empathy, love and understanding. We need to care for other people’s hearts by acknowledging the amount of influence and affect we have on them. This is a precious gift, for our words to matter to others. Emotions are the core of every relationship. And we are in an emotional dark age. To wake up from this emotional Dark Age, we must learn how to caretake eachother’s emotions. This is especially true when we are being honest or truthful about things that do not feel good to hear. For this reason, I want you to watch my YouTube video titled: “Emotional Wake Up Call”.
A great game to play with yourself relative to sharing things that can hurt others is to pretend to be them, on the other side of yourself. Completely put yourself in their shoes in this scenario and see how it would make you feel. You may then decide to either to not express your opinion or you may decide to alter your delivery.
For the sake of your own expansion in the form of self-discovery, I want you to ask yourself, why do I believe that honesty must include brutality? And, that to be less than brutal in my honesty is to somehow be less honest or authentic?
You may find that it is really your vulnerability, hurt or anger that you want to be directly honest about but don’t feel like you can and so you are being inauthentic in the form of passive aggression by covertly expressing those emotions under the cloak of an honest opinion about someone else. Sometimes, difficult things must be said, things that don’t feel good to hear. But they can be said with discretion, empathy, tact and kindness without there being any limit to your freedom of expression and without limiting your authenticity.
And remember, if a voice isn’t delivering a message in a loving way, whether that voice is outside you or inside your own head, it is not speaking for your specific benefit.
Many of us, who are really suffering do not realize that it is because we feel completely out of control. Some of our biggest triggers are in fact the result of this feeling. Even things we would not at face value think are about this. For example, people forming negative opinions about us. If someone has made their mind up about us and we can’t change the way they are thinking about us because they can’t be reasoned with… What is upsetting us in this situation is that we are completely out of control. First and foremost, we have to ask ourselves honestly “What is so bad about being out of control?” We may find that being out of control means that someone or something else is in control. This is all well and good if we trust that someone or something. But if our life experience has taught us to distrust others and distrust the universe at large (because we have been hurt over and over again), being out of control can mean to us that we are going to get hurt at the very least and that we may just be in a fight for our very survival. Can you imagine the terror of your survival being in the hands of someone who does not have your best interests at heart? Bad luck is one form of feeling completely out of control of your reality. If your version of being out of control, takes the form of Bad Luck, you feel as if the universe is against you and you are going to be prevented from what you want and need. To understand more about this conundrum, watch my video on YouTube titled: “I Can’t Trust the Universe, I feel Like God is Against Me”.
You may be confused at this point, about the concept of things being out of your control, seeing as how you have probably learned that you create your own reality. So how can it be true that I create my own reality, but I can be out of control of the circumstances of my life? Once something has become a physical manifestation, we have already vibrationally lined up with something. It is what currently is. There is not enough action in the world that is enough to compensate for the momentum of a vibration that is practiced enough so as to have become physical and this is what happens if we are in a situation that feels beyond our control. However, these unwanted things that we line up with are not a failure. For all you know, it is exactly the thing you need to experience for the sake of your own expansion. How do you know something should be happening? It’s happening. Even the most practiced of us do not create our reality consciously. Even when people learn how to create their reality consciously, the aspect of them that is subconscious is usually much larger and so for the most part humans subconsciously create their reality. This is fabulous if the subconscious mind is full of sunshine gumdrops and roses. But often it isn’t. Often it is full of painful beliefs, fears and negative expectations. There is nothing wrong with negative creations. In fact, negative creations are responsible for most of the enlightened beings walking the earth. Both negative and positive creations are important to expansion. To understand this deeper, watch my video on YouTube titled, “The Meaning of Pain”.
It does absolutely no good to think about “I create my own reality”. When you have lined up with something painful. Let me say this again, but this time in a different way. It does absolutely no good to remind someone else that they create their own reality when they have lined up with something painful. This adds insult to injury and it also isn’t entirely true. If we were 100% deliberately, consciously creating, no one would create painful situations for themselves. It is a much better idea when you’ve lined up with a painful situation that feels out of your control, that you begin to look at the situation as if ‘whatever happening… is supposed to happen because it’s happening’. So what do we do when we find ourselves in a situation where we are completely out of control?
When we feel out of control, we feel powerless. When we try to take action to control from this space of powerlessness, we only wind our way in deeper and deeper into a state of despair and powerlessness. Literally the second you feel bad about something to the degree that you want to control it, you are feeling despair and so those lower vibrational feelings are what you are a match to. Any and all action taken from these lower vibrational places will yield negative results. Results that reinforce the despair. We are using control to resist the powerlessness and whatever we resist persists. So when we feel out of control, counter intuitively we need to release all control. We need to get in the back seat of life and stop resisting the current of where life is taking us completely. This is the art of total surrender. You can’t let go and allow, thereby releasing all the resistance you have as long as you’re seeking control. So what I am suggesting is to give up. Consciously give up. Cut your losses. Be prepared to start over from scratch completely. Change is needed. It’s a bit like a bigger scale version of being willing to totally accept you’re at square one all over again and re-building your house of cards from nothing. We can’t start building again until we stop resisting the fact that the house of cards has fallen. We can spend time in this space of total surrender for as long as it feels like relief. Then, we may feel ready to move forward.
We need to set our momentum on the right course. Negative, subconscious momentum is what creates situations that feel out of our control. So, we need to create positive momentum. There is a huge difference between control and empowerment. Control and the desire to control, is an ego construct. It is the byproduct of fear. It only ever comes from and leads to disempowerment. On the entire opposite side of the vibrational scale is empowerment.
Empowerment is about finding alignment in any small way that you can, no matter how small or large. Once something has manifested, you cannot control it. You cannot control your government, your partner, the weather, your children, other people’s pinions of you and the list goes on. But you can take little steps to make yourself feel just a little bit better and a little bit better. You can find thoughts that feel better to think so as to sooth yourself. You can curl up with a hot water bottle. You can seek solace in other people. Having influence over your own internal world brings about a sense of empowerment whereby you know that no matter what happens to you, you are not powerless relative to how you feel. It’s 4,000 times more empowering to be able to alter the way you feel than to live according to the belief that if you could just control certain circumstances, you’d feel better. This sets the momentum of the vibrations you are holding on a positive course. And then, all you must do is take action according to the feeling of inspiration as it arises within you and those actions will lead to empowerment.
Stop focusing on the choices you do not have and focus on the ones that you do have. We may very well be in a situation that is out of control externally and then, we are left only with what we can control internally. We can’t un-do the past so we only have control over how to deal with it now. We can’t control how other people behave, but we can control how we react to them. When we feel powerless, we slip into lack consciousness. We stop being able to perceive the power we do have and the opportunities we do have and the resources we do have. It’s a bit like being shut in a prison cell for ten years and not even realizing the door isn’t locked. When we allow ourselves to only focus on what limits us, we do not see the ways we are free. Play a game with yourself, where just for the heck of it you take your attention totally off the things you have no control over and place your attention on the things you do have control over. This game is in fact the way that people survive concentration camps, war imprisonment and other forms of captivity.
Set small goals and things to accomplish and scratch them off your list every day. These goals do not have to be related to the circumstance you feel powerless about. You do this so as to gain back a sense of personal empowerment. If you feel really powerless, things as small as cleaning your bathroom or reorganizing can be enough.
Ask for help. Often when we are at our most powerless, we are faced with the opportunity to awaken to a greater depth of spirituality. Whether we are asking for help from other people or whether we are asking for help directly from God, we are becoming connected to something greater than ourselves. But by surrendering to the help of this collectivity that is greater than ourselves, we cannot be disempowered because we are indivisible from it. We are aspects of it. For help with this, you may want to watch my videos on you Tube Titled: “Letters To God”. And “Does Prayer Work?”
Find out what you are really afraid of in this powerless situation. Often when we feel totally powerless, it is not the external circumstance that is rendering us powerless. It is ourselves. We are so afraid of something, such as what someone else will do or say, that we are telling ourselves we have no choice when we do. We are kind of waiting for something outside of us to change so we can feel safe enough to take the action or say what feels right to do or say. We’re just totally unprepared to face a consequence. So we have become paralyzed. Once we are prepared to face the consequence, we are no longer stuck and powerless.
Regroup and reassess your true desires. Own up to your true needs and wants. It is perfectly ok to amend your desires; you will do so many times over the course of your life. When we feel totally out of control, especially if it is our entire life that has barreled out of control, we need to start over from scratch and only keep the elements of our current life that we genuinely want to keep. So, ask yourself, what do I really want and why do I want those things? And then start incrementally going in the direction of those newly assessed desires. If you are experiencing the loss of control in your whole life as a nervous break down, watch my video on You Tube titled: “Nervous Breakdown”
When you are struggling with feeling totally out of control, you can guarantee that you are struggling with uncertainty. For this reason, I want you to watch my video on YouTube titled: “How to Deal With Uncertainty”.
Love. Love in any way you can, no matter how small or large. Appreciate anything you are capable of appreciating in your life. Feeling out of control is a state of fear. At all moments of the day, we have a choice between love and fear. The opposite vibration of fear is in fact love. So we cannot love and fear at the same time. Laughter is an expression of love. So even laughing at something totally unrelated to the thing we feel powerless about is an antidote to fear. Focusing on someone else’s problems out of love and care for them is an expression of love. This is an antidote to your fear. Appreciating the smell of coffee grounds in your cup is love. This is an antidote to fear. And in the absence of fear, our world opens up to new possibilities. Possibilities that did not exist to us while we were in the vibration of fear. Possibilities are the opposite of the trapped powerlessness you feel.
As people, we are rendered miserable by our endless attempt to control what we have no control over. We spend our lives trying to put milk back in the glass that has already shattered. It is understandable. We are looking at a world full of painful conditions, wanting to change those conditions so that we can feel good. But incase you didn’t notice, the harder we try, the harder it gets to feel good. The beautiful opportunity that is available to us in a situation we have no control over, is that we get to practice the art of total allowing. We get to begin again, from scratch and build something new and better in place of what was. We get to feel the invincible bravery of choosing love over fear. We get to experience the impenetrable strength in conscious surrender.
When love becomes a choice, is when we decide to commit to the other person as we would to ourself. We commit to capitalizing their best interests. This commitment takes on many forms such as affection, assistance, intimacy, communication etc. When love becomes a choice, we are presented with the opportunity to chose to create harmony instead of succumb to the power struggle.
Power struggle is an inevitable part of all relationships. It arises as a result of the ego vying for survival by struggling to differentiate itself. Love dissolves the ego because it causes us to become one. It causes us to experience our similarities instead of differences. Our separate sense of self goes away. Love is essentially an ego death, which is why the ego is not a fan of love. When we commit to love, which is a decision, we commit to acting in loving ways that put the welfare of our partner in the forefront. This is not easy. We tend to reach a point in relationships where we sit back and wait for the partner to meet our needs and feel resentful when they don’t. We shut down our hearts to them. We think that to feel loved, we need to receive love. When in truth, it is in the taking actions to love that we develop loving feelings from within. When we give, our hearts must be open. When our heart is open, compassion and love comes flooding in. And one of the most loving things we can practice giving to our partner is understanding.
The following is an exercise I want you to try. You can do this with anyone, regardless of whether they are your partner or friend or child or mother. When you get into an argument, especially if it is a chronic one, I want you to switch roles. So you are each actually arguing from the other person’s perspective in this scenario. Try to act exactly like they act. Say exactly what they say. I want you to take on their persona and point of view completely. And your goal during this exercise is three fold…
1. To understand their point of view fully as if you were literally in their shoes, with their history and their feelings and their beliefs. This is not about transposing your viewpoint into their viewpoint. This is not about “If I were you” it is about “I am you instead”. 2. For them to understand your point of view fully as if they were literally in your shoes, with your history and your feelings and your beliefs. 3. To mirror to the other person what it looks like and feels like to be on the opposite side of them in this argument. 4. To have them mirror to you what it looks and feels like to be on the opposite side of you in this argument.
So, for example, if a wife and husband have a chronic argument about how much the husband works, she will put herself in his perspective and make the case on his behalf and he will put himself in her perspective and make the case on her behalf.
To do this exercise, you must be willing to lay down the defenses. This can be hard because when we are in a power struggle, we care much more about being right and about being justified and about being the good guy than we care about love and therefore understanding. But if we can do it, we have the opportunity to learn about ourselves, grow in ourselves and as a couple. And to reach a meeting of minds. Once we have performed the exercise or at any time during the exercise, we can reflect upon any insights we are gaining as a result of doing the exercise. Communication is the cornerstone of a relationship and this exercise will go far towards assisting your communication with one another and also towards helping you to see opportunity for compromise and changes that need to be made to enable the relationship to flourish. So give it a try!
At our most fundamental level, we are all one. The universe is a vast and endless ocean of energy. When energy begins to take shape (like it does when this universal energy desires to become a singular perspective) it becomes thought. That thought then becomes more singular… It becomes thought form. And that thought form then becomes physical form. When we die, we withdraw our consciousness from physical form and we also withdraw our consciousness from thought form. We then watch the energy in the physical form diminish. To us here on earth this looks like decomposition. You also watch the energy in the thought form diminish. To those of us who can see the dimension of thought form, this looks like a ghost turning into an ectoplasm or imprint and then disappearing all together. The thought form is in fact the level of a being where personality exists. These aspects of being diminish because there is no longer a stream of source energy feeding them or activating them.
The best way to think of this is to imagine that a snake is a stream of universal consciousness and that it comes into 2 layers consecutive of skin to come into life and then pulls out of these two layers of skin when it dies. But these snake skins still have enough energy that they do not disappear completely; they dissipate over time as they begin to lose energy.
Now imagine that whenever it serves the universe, it can project forward a stream of consciousness into one of those snake skins and re-activate it. This is a metaphor for what is happening when we are dealing with a spirit guide. The personality structure (thought form) or identity of a being is being activated by a steam of source energy. How does this apply to ascended masters? They are essentially thought forms (personalities) that are being fed by universal consciousness for the benefit of the ascension and expansion of mankind. Think of them like the ultimate spirit guides. Re-activated snake skins. They have enough energy that they take on the appearance of pure light. To understand more about this, you can watch my video on you tube titled: Do angels exist? This video is important because many of what people call ‘angels’ are in fact ascended masters.
Source uses these specific thought forms or personalities because we relate to them. We have a collective desire for assistance and a collective association with these beings and assistance. And we identify with them to the degree that they are even being fed by the focus of our individual and collective consciousness, making these very powerful discarnate beings. The ascended masters assist the expansion of the consciousness of the human world or mankind at large as a spiritual guide would assist a singular human. We choose to incarnate into life after life until incarnation no longer serves our own expansion of the universe’s expansion at large. Then, we either remain part of universal consciousness or we choose to incarnate in other time space realities, or we choose to take on the perspective of assisting other beings in their expansion process.
It is common that once one achieves the ability to line up with universal consciousness (often referred to as source mind) at will, this is the point at which a soul stream opts to make this transition out of the cycle of death and birth. We often call this enlightenment. But it’s not like this is the goal for us all and once we achieve that state of living consciousness, we get a reward and that is a get out of jail free card for life at which point we now assist other people to achieve the same. The ascended masters are personalities that have left the cycle of death and birth, which is why they are referred to as ascended. When viewed through the lens of linear time some of them are seen as recent additions, some are ancient and some are so old they have been forgotten. In truth, there are thousands or more of these beings called ascended masters. But some are the most active and widely recognized in today’s age. They spend the majority of their time focused in the 6th dimensional frequency. An example of just a few of these ascended masters are: Saint Germain, Buddah, Jesus, Sana Kumara, Serapis Bey, Quan yin, Metatron, Moses, Sitatapatra, Lanto, Innana and Guadalupe. Because they are guides that assist mankind, like what we call a spirit guide would assist an individual person, you can expect to run into them over the course of your spiritual journey in one way or another. Their specific energies call you into ascension and progression on whatever level they are associated with. Because humans are attached to the idea of “levels of achievement”, each ascended master is traditionally associated with a different level of ascension. These levels of ascension are called “rays”. And each ray is associated with a specific color, number and spiritual quality. For example, Jesus is associated with the sixth ray, which is devotion and the abundance of god and is represented by the color violet. But no expert can agree on these rays or the colors associated with them, or who belongs to which ray. And I think it is fairly useless to think of ascended masters in this compartmentalized and status oriented way. But by all means, feel free to study this class system if it calls to you. In my opinion, hierarchy no longer belongs in spiritual practice. I think it is best to receive the special frequency of any of the ascended masters as a unique experience. Greet them as an unclassified being separate of some kind of spiritual hierarchy and receive them as they appear to you, specifically. After all, they show up differently for different individuals according to what you resonate with specifically.
As part of the collective whole of human consciousness, every person including you is connected to an ascended master; we call this your principal ascended master. Their energy most closely aligns with your expansion and your life purpose. For the sake of understanding, we could call this an assignment. But you cannot make this a matter of logically guessing which ascended master is your primary ascended master. The ego will become involved in the process of selecting which one is your primary guide and for want of significance; you may completely miss your actual primary ascended master. I agree with the traditions that teach you to ask the question and then go about your life allowing your principal ascended master to reveal himself or herself to you. This means, you’ve got to ask the question then pay attention to signs.
Skepticism is the opposite of suspended judgment. It is the rigid judgment that absolute certain knowledge is impossible. This is why skepticism does not feel good emotionally to the skeptic or to those who are on the receiving end of the skeptic. It is tempting to think skepticism can be healthy but it cannot. There is no such thing as healthy skepticism. To experience how unhealthy skepticism is, next time you encounter skepticism, pay attention to and feel how skepticism robs things of energy and forward movement, a bit like water being thrown on a fire. Belief is the state of mind in which a person thinks something to be the case, with or without there being empirical evidence to prove that something is the case with factual certainty. Looking at this definition, it is easy to see that in theory, skepticism is the opposite of belief. But the problem is, you cannot actually walk the earth with no beliefs. The mind forms beliefs and judgments whether you know it or not and whether you like it or not. And the problem is that most of those beliefs never get questioned. They become the filter you perceive your life through and the basis by which reality forms around you. And so a skeptic is not actually suspending belief, instead they believe deeply in doubt. Your reality, being the byproduct of belief, will not be a pleasant one if doubt is the belief you operate your life by.
The actual vibration of doubt looks nothing like genuine uncertainty, instead it looks like disbelief. To doubt is to consider something unlikely. To consider something unlikely is to act as if you know. It is to pretend you know something that you do not know. It is to bring a sense of certainty to a universe of uncertainty. For this reason, doubt in all actuality, is the flip side of faith. Doubt is only another kind of faith. It is faith in the negative instead of faith in the positive. Like the shadow side of faith, to consider something unlikely (doubt) is to act as if you know. People use doubt to gain a sense of certainty and cognitive closure in the same way that people use faith to gain a sense of certainty and cognitive closure.
Faith goes hand in hand with belief. To have faith is to have positive confidence or trust in something. It is to think something is true, even without proof. If you are a person who doubts, you have a great capacity for faith. The only difference between you and a person, who is full of faith, is that you have endless confidence and trust for negative instead of positive outcomes and things. Like faith, doubt is a bridge between thinking and believing. It is best to burn this bridge down when the bridge does not benefit your journey. It is best to only build the bridge of doubt between thoughts that feel bad to think and things you don’t want to believe. It is best to build the bridge of faith only between thoughts that feel good and things you want to believe. When we begin to experience pain, is when we build the bridge of doubt between thoughts that feel good to think and things we want to believe. To understand more about faith, watch my video on YouTube titled: "Faith."
The ego seeks to define itself through creating polarity. It needs to be justified, it needs to be good, it needs to be superior, and most of all it needs to be right. It is tempting to believe that skepticism is the antidote to the ego’s need to be right. But in fact, skepticism is the ego’s disguised attempt to be superior and right. The skeptic is in a state of self-righteousness. Invalidating something else instantly puts the ego in a position of being valid. Skepticism is also the ego’s attempt to stay safe. How would someone stay safe by being skeptical? It allows one to avoid disappointment. There are very few things more painful than losing faith. There are very few things more painful than the pain caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s desires or positive expectations and the invalidation of one’s positive beliefs. It feels like we have fallen to the ground from great heights. So, we protect ourselves by not climbing, so we never again have to feel the fall. Having faith in the negative prevents us from disappointment. You will never meet a skeptic, who has not been deeply hurt by disappointment and who does not feel that truth, (even if it is brutal) is a form of security.
It is important to understand that it is not healthy to blindly believe everything. Optimism can be an escape and a state of closed mindedness as well. This is merely another from of ignorance and resistance and leads to all kinds of negative ends. You do not have to be a skeptic or a blind believer. The healthiest thing to do is to develop an open mind. Questioning is healthy. But there is no doubt involved in the process of questioning. Doubt is a state of resistance. It halts the momentum of progression. Questioning is actually a state of mind that causes progression, especially progression of thought. Questioning allows for truth to reveal itself naturally. And because it is not invalidating (like skepticism is) it never feels bad to the questioner or the thing being questioned. People are not stupid; we can feel the difference between being doubted and being questioned. There is a totally different energetic frequency to questioning the validity of something and invalidating something. Approach life with an attitude of curiosity. There are times when we simply do not know. At times like this, I urge you to consider to choose to believe something that serves you, regardless of whether you are sure it is true or not. Practice holding onto your beliefs loosely instead of letting the ego latch onto them for the sake of its own safety and survival. Hold to beliefs mentally as you would a baby bird, so as to not crush it and so as to let it fly away if it is in alignment with the highest good.
If you are skeptical, the time has come to get present to and aware of the pain in your life, especially the disappointment and distrust. Cynicism and skepticism are a bit like twins that travel as a pair. No child is born skeptical or cynical so ask yourself these two questions: When did I start being skeptical or cynical? What does skepticism keep me safe from? In the moment that we feel skeptical, we need to ask ourselves what we are really afraid of and resistant to in this situation. We need to allow compassion and loving understanding to enter the space for the self that adopted the rigid attitude of doubt so as to protect itself from those things. For example, if I am skeptical of someone being who or what they say they are, I may find that in truth I am afraid of being duped. My lack of self-trust leads me to feel resistant and guarded towards others, as I fear I may be led astray. On this note, there is no such thing as a skeptic who genuinely trusts himself or herself. So, if you are a skeptic, I encourage you to watch my video on YouTube titled: “How to Trust Yourself.” Skepticism is all about trying to stay safe. To let go of skepticism, you need to willingly step past your comfort zone. You have to go into an area mentally and emotionally that is completely new and unknown. Skepticism is a good disguise for fear. And like I said earlier, skepticism is not a state of uncertainty. It is a state of negative certainty. Therefore embracing uncertainty is the direction of healing. To understand more about uncertainty and how to deal with it, watch my video on YouTube titled: “Uncertainty (How To Deal With Uncertainty)”. When you are presented with ideas and things that you would normally doubt, instead consider the potential validity by asking the question… What if? This is a bit like genuinely trying an idea on for size, just like you would a pair of pants at a department store. You don’t need to be afraid of trying out new ideas and beliefs as if they were true. If it doesn’t fit or end up adding to your life, you can always take it off again.
If you are a skeptic, it is time to see that you are not in fact in the vibration of neutrality and openness any more than someone who uses ignorant optimism to avoid truths that are uncomfortable to face. Instead, you are in a permanent state of distrust and you have decided that a negative outlook serves you better than a positive one. Ask yourself why this is the case. A negative approach to life prevents you from some forms of pain, especially pain caused by the loss of something positive. But it does so by keeping you in pain. Positive thinking is not a Pollyanna state of willing ignorance. It can be a commitment to intentionally creating your life and it comes from the understanding that a belief is only as good as it does. So the question is, what do your painful thoughts and beliefs actually do for you?
Question your beliefs, especially the ones that feel painful. If you are skeptical, you have plenty of them. Are you ready for the ultimate chess move? Ironically, you can use your own skepticism against yourself positively, by using it to disprove your own painful beliefs. Everyone you meet on the street will know something that you don’t. This makes the world a place full of opportunity for new truths to reveal themselves to you. Let this excite you rather than threaten you. And by approaching the world with this kind of excitement to try out new perspectives and potential truths, your life will be one of adventure, magic and miracles. A state of skepticism is a state of closed minded and closed hearted pain. Our life is the byproduct of belief. If our belief takes the form of doubt, we limit ourselves and we limit others and we limit the universe at large. We cannot be a match to experiencing miracles and we cannot be a match to experiencing anything beyond our negative faith and doubt at the same time. The realm of magic and mystery is closed to our perception. So step outside your comfort zone and consider. And see what this world reveals to you then.
First, we have to understand what commitment is all about. Commitment is a state of dedication. But we can simplify commitment in this way: To commit to something is to give your energy to something… To put yourself into something. The more committed you are to something, the more of your energy and therefore yourself you put into that thing. If you sit with this idea of commitment for a minute, you might already be experiencing the awareness of what exactly scares you so badly about commitment. If not, I want you to ask yourself “What is so scary about giving my energy to something or putting myself fully into something?”
I’m going to give you a hint here: Most fears on this earth, (if not all of them) boil down to the intense fear that something will be lost. For example, even if your fear is that you will gain problems, the flip side of that fear is the fear that you will loose inner peace.
The most common fear that is experienced by people who fear commitment is the fear of being trapped and therefore loosing freedom. If you fear commitment, your fear has caused you to develop an addiction to the sweet security of escape. Decisions are the ultimate fear if you fear commitment. You especially fear making decisions because you feel that by doing so you will lose options. You fear making the wrong decision and being trapped with the potential consequences (especially losses) of that choice. And this is your personal, subconscious definition of failure. Obviously this fear, like usual builds its roots in childhood. In an ideal childhood environment, we would learn that we will always be loved and that mom and dad will always return. We would learn that even if we misbehave, we would still be welcomed so we do not have to be perfect in order to be loved and included and not abandoned. But this is not the case for many of us. For many of us, especially those who fear commitment, we had to grow up too fast to a world where the message was, “You DO have to be perfect according to my definition of perfect in order to be loved, included, not abandoned and get the things you want”. In this atmosphere, responsibility became something to be feared. It came with too much pressure. The stakes were too high. So we learned to avoid it. We grew up in an atmosphere of control, not an atmosphere of love and intimacy. We were brought up to have one foot in and one foot out because we could not trust one or both of our caregivers. If you do not trust someone, there is no way to be fully invested in them. So instead, there is a constant state of emotional panic. It is obvious to see then why the sensation of freedom would be so incredibly important for us to keep hold of. It was our indication of our level of safety. This is especially important to recognize if you have a fear of relationship commitment. People who fear relationship commitment actually have the deep, desperate need for intimacy and a secure relationship that they can rely on. But they fear abandonment and/or engulfment so much that the idea of either loosing their partner through it not working out, or losing themselves to (being devoured by) their partner causes them to freeze up. This is their attempt to stay safe. For those of you who suffer from relationship commitment phobia, relationships and love were not about love when you were younger. They were about control. People in your life, especially primary caregivers, were interested in control and as such they were not concerned with your best interests, they were concerned with theirs. This made you unsafe emotionally, physically or both. To stay safe, you quickly saw that you had to keep the control. You always had one foot in and one foot out with them. Now, in relationships, you do the same. You subconsciously seek to always be in control and have an escape ready while avoiding personal responsibility. This makes you very passive aggressive. One way you gain back control is to freeze up. When you clam up or freeze up, no one can do anything about it. They are absolutely powerless to your unmovable state. This, in conjunction with not committing to either decision, feels safer to you. When you freeze up, your survival mechanism has been triggered. When you can’t perceive any escape because you can’t decide between fight or flight, the only thing left to do is freeze. This is what gives the commitment-phobe the feeling of dragging their heels or turning into a rock or existing in a state of living death absent of momentum.
So what should you do if you can clearly see that you are afraid of commitment and you’re ready to face that fear and actually commit to something?
You must recognize that while commitment phobia is real, it is also true that there is no such thing as genuine commitment phobia. This is why… You cannot actually live one second of the day where you are not committed to something. Your energy is going completely into something at all moments of the day. The question is, into what? For example, the person who is not committing to a relationship out of fear has already chosen to be fully committed to freedom. The person who is procrastinating has already chosen to be fully committed to distraction. The person, who refuses to make a decision, has already committed to being irresponsible or shall we say to whatever perks come with not being responsible. So, any time you find yourself not committing to something, it means there is something else you are much more committed to, often on the opposite end of the scale. Take time to discover these subconscious commitments to find out what you are really committed to in life and decide if those are things you actually do want to consciously be committed to. What DO you really want to be committed to? Take notice that this is a very different question than “what should you want to be committed to?”
Get present to the negative impact of not committing. In order to change something, you have to see that there is a need or reason to change. See what it does to yourself and what it does to others when you do not commit. For example, see the opportunities you have lost by not acting on them. See the rejection other people feel. See the success that you have not achieved because where you were unwilling to give it your all, someone else was. If you need to, make a list so you can really become conscious of what this has done, is doing and could do to your life.
Love the one aspect of you that is afraid of committing. Now that you have become present to the negative impact of not committing, step outside your fear of commitment aspect of self and focus with compassion and love toward that aspect of yourself that is terrified and who was controlled and who wants to stay safe so badly. If you resist this self by trying to force it to change because you resent it, you will only be trying to control yourself and so you’ll start to become passive aggressive with yourself. Instead, approaching this aspect with love, desiring it to shift because you want the best for it. This will cause an inner transformation.
Become more aware and dedicated to what you want than what you don’t want. If you are afraid of commitment, you are in a state of avoidance. Your energy is more focused on what you don’t want to commit to than it is on what you do want to commit to. If you feel the avoidance crop up in you (that internal resistance, like trying to open a clam shell that will not open or trying to move forward against lead weights), figure out what you do not want and use that to define what you DO want. Then commit to that. Put your energy into that. If you are afraid of relationship commitment, you may decide that it is too hard to commit to the whole relationship itself, but maybe you can commit to something smaller within the context of the relationship. For example, you may decide to commit to communicating with the other person every day.
Get present to what you need and meet your needs. Needs are a real enemy of those who grew up in controlling environments. People who fear commitment will suppress their needs and not communicate them and try to convince themselves and others that they do not have them. This is especially important if you’re struggling with a relationship commitment phobia. Relationships are about mutuality, not control. It’s about accommodating each other in a way where both people’s needs are met. If you do not express your needs and deny them whilst trying to meet your partner’s needs, you will eventually feel controlled by them and at their mercy; without even knowing it’s because you never expressed your needs and never gave them a chance to meet them. To understand more on this subject, watch my video on YouTube titled: Meet Your Needs.
Get deeply in touch with your feelings. People who fear commitment feel they must cut off their emotional connection as a way of feeling in control and thus emotionally safe. This is why in relationships, being with a commitment-phobe feels like a push and pull. To begin this practice, watch my video titled: How to Heal The Emotional Body. Especially sit with that feeling of being trapped. If you fear commitment, you are in the business of constantly trying to mitigate and avoid future pain. So the willingness to feel (including things like pain) stops this unhealthy avoidance pattern. It can no longer subconsciously rule your life. If you are struggling with a fear of commitment, you are not very self aware and you are prone to lying to yourself to avoid deeper truths. Really being with your feelings will reveal the deep, real, gritty inner truths of yourself. These are the truths that will help you to create a life you really want.
Explore the idea of ‘perfect’ so that you can let go of the idea of it. The inner critic is trying to keep you safe to the detriment of your very life. You can’t get this life right, as much as you may want to because ‘right’ is a judgment call according to personal perspective. You will never find a partner who is perfect either, or the perfect job. Finding fault with everything may just be a way to justify your fear so you don’t have to take the risk to move forward and through it. It will help to deliberately shift your focus to the positives about any given thing that you want to commit to, but are afraid to commit to. Love is the opposite of fear. So, if you’re afraid of your partner, what do you love about them? If you’re afraid of the job, what do you love about it? If you fear making the decision, what do you love about the decision or about making decisions in general? Criticism goes hand in hand with perfectionism. To understand more about criticism, watch my video on YouTube titled: Criticism.
Practice meditation. Meditation will take you out of the unconscious states of panic that throw you into avoidant, escapist control dynamics. This will allow you to shortcut the self-sabotage and instead make you present with exactly what is right here, right now in front of you. You can start with mindfulness meditation. To understand how to do this, watch my video on YouTube titled: Mindfulness Meditation (the observer self).
Commit to increasing your self-concept and self esteem. If you struggle with a fear of commitment, you struggle with self-esteem. This is especially true for those who avoid committing to relationships because of potential abandonment. If you never invest your energy into something fully, it never yields results that cause you to feel good about yourself. So committing to things will actually increase your self-esteem. What do you appreciate about yourself? What are your strengths? Take an inventory of your positive attributes and anything that causes you specifically to feel good about yourself.
If you suffer from commitment phobia, it is completely understandable why you are the way you are. You learned how to be this way to survive the world and subsequent worldview that other people set up for you when you were younger. You have every right and reason to stay this way. It doesn’t make you wrong or bad. But consider that any commitment is a risk. Including the commitment to non-commitment. You will die one day and I can promise you that did not come to this life to arrive at death safely. The greater risk in life is not taking risks and waiting for opportunities that may never come. The risk you take when you are afraid of commitment is not really living. No success will come unless you invest your energy in something. And I can promise you; it’s already invested in things, just not the things that make for a successful life. You cannot get this life wrong. So break free from the paralysis. You have been thinking that commitment will trap you, when in fact it will set you free.
It seems like a logical assumption. The problem is that whatever we resist, we feed the energy of our focus to and thus, it persists. We have made negative thoughts the bad guy. We’re afraid of these thoughts and we’re afraid of how they make us feel and so we want to try to get rid of them and deny them and push them away or fight them with positive thoughts and is it working? Hell no.
It does no good to try to cut off or deny an aspect of yourself. This creates a fracture within you when integration and wholeness is the true direction of healing. It is the opposite of love. By labeling something as bad, you feel repelled by it and this aversion in fact ads negative energy to negative thoughts, which gives birth to a negative spiral. And it is understandable that if you frequently get into these kinds of negative spirals, you may literally feel like your mind is your worst enemy, which is why I want you to watch my YouTube video titled: Is your mind your friend or foe?
But for the sake of reducing your resistance to your negative thoughts, we are going to proceed with a brand new premise…. Negative thoughts are good. How is this possible?
1. As humans, we are wired to find, recognize and fix problems. We are designed to turn the unwanted into the wanted. This is why our species has evolved and adapted the world to us like it has. This is in fact the platform for universal expansion. It is also the basis of species evolution. If all we saw and recognized was perfection, there would be no progression, no change, no forward movement. New ideas and inventions and possibilities are always the byproduct of first recognizing problems. And negative thoughts can in fact focus and motivate us towards our aim.
2. It is the negative thoughts we think that are painful enough to make us question ourselves and question the thoughts themselves. This questioning inevitably leads to the dis-identification between the thinker and the thoughts themselves. So we could say that negative thoughts make us aware that there are two perspectives present within us and thus, we wake up to the truth of ourselves beyond the temporal reality. We realize I am not my thoughts. Negative thinking therefore can give birth to an awakening.
3. Negative thoughts are often reflections of an emotion that needs to surface from the subconscious to the conscious mind and be integrated. Things like jealousy, despair, hopelessness, sadness or fear. We need to recognize these strong emotional sensations in the body and embrace them as well. To fully accomplish this, I want you to watch 2 of my videos on YouTube. The first is titled: Positively Embrace your Negative Emotions. And the second is titled: How to Heal the Emotional Body.
4. Negative thoughts are an invitation to learn unconditional love. Glossing over the negative thoughts with positive ones doesn’t work. Suppressing and denying them makes them fester. And they represent aspects of our being that need to be heard and felt and so, eventually, we must end our war with them. When we can learn to project love through and around the aspect of ourself that thinks negative thoughts (or even the negative thoughts themselves) we are practicing unconditional love. We are not making our love of our mental aspect conditioned upon whether it is positive and feeling good.
5. There are many different kinds of negative thoughts but they all have one thing in common… they are designed to alert us to something we wish to avoid. Negative thoughts are designed to keep us safe. The question is… from what? So next time you think a negative thought ask yourself, how is this thought trying to keep me safe? What is it trying to keep me safe from? For example, a thought that is self-critical may be trying to keep you safe from embarrassment. Or a thought that is about a worst-case scenario, may be trying to keep you safe from experiencing the very scenario it conjures. The kind of thought that most directly exists to try to keep you safe is worry. For this reason, you might want to watch my video on YouTube titled: How To Stop Worrying
6. And now we come to the most important point… Every negative thought, especially complaint, is in fact an indirect voicing of one’s needs and wants and as such it points you in the direction of your purpose. The time has come to consider that this part of yourself is telling you something very important and valuable about yourself. What part of you do you reject by turning away from negative thoughts? Like a compass, your negative thoughts and subsequent emotions are letting you know which way you should NOT go. They refuse to let you stray from the path of your purpose and joy. We can use this to our advantage. Not only do we have a clear vision of what way to NOT go in life, we also can use that clarity of what is not wanted to decipher what direction TO go on life… which is towards our wants and needs. Our journey is greatly assisted by being aware of what we want and need. So each time you recognize the negative thought, ask yourself, what is this letting me know that I want or need and how can I more directly meet that need or want?
You are never going to get rid of your negative thoughts. Believing that you must not think negative thoughts makes them repetitive and obsessive. It is however within your capacity to not regard them as absolute truth, but instead as the subjective perspective held by an aspect within yourself that is currently in pain. These thoughts are valid but not necessarily true. And they need loving care. Embrace rather than suppress your negative thoughts and you will no longer be at their mercy.
Envy is the emotion that occurs when we experience an extreme desire for something that someone else has, whether it is a quality, achievement or possession but we don’t think we can have it. Jealousy is the emotion that occurs when we anticipate or feel the loss of something of great value to us, whether it be a quality, achievement or possession. In other words, one exists when we wish to keep what we have and the other occurs when we want to get what we don’t have and in either case, feel powerless to do so. Why do these emotional states feel so similar (similar enough to be confused as one another)? Because they are both the emotional reflection of lack. The lack of something intensely wanted or needed. And sometimes, you can feel jealousy and envy at the very same time. Particularly if your loss is someone else’s gain.
Right off the bat, we must establish that there is nothing wrong or bad about jealousy or envy. It is an emotion. Like anger, jealousy and envy have been made out to be inappropriate things to experience. Biblically, envy was picked to be one of the seven deadly sins. This sucks because if it’s a sin, it’s one no human can prevent committing. You’re set up to fail. Telling yourself not to feel how you feel or telling someone else not to feel the way they feel doesn’t stop them from feeling that way, it just adds fear and self condemnation to the feeling, making it even worse.
Jealousy and envy can only arise when we are in the perspective that we are separate from one another. After all, if we are coming from the perspective of being ‘one’ and you gain something, I gain it as well. This is how to know that the ego is involved in the perception we hold if we feel jealousy or envy. It means the ego perceives a threat. Such as a third party threat to a connection it has with someone or a threat to it’s own sense of significance or self-image. So what do we do when we feel jealousy or envy?
1. We only feel jealousy and/or envy when we perceive lack. So first, we must become aware of whether it is indeed jealousy or whether it is envy that we feel. We must then use our conscious awareness to figure out what it is we are feeling that we lack. If it is jealousy, what precious thing are we afraid we are going to lose? If it is envy, what precious thing do we not have that we desperately want? We need to then consciously be willing to alter our perspective by playing a game of abundance with ourselves. It’s called “How do I actually have that thing I think I lack?” For example, if you’re afraid of losing attention, how do you have attention in your life? Or if you think you lack value, how do you have value? Make a list of as many ways you can think of that you do in fact have that you think you lack. Think in terms of “How do I already have what I am so desperately wanting?” Get as creative as you can with this list. Pretend to be someone else who has less walking into your life. What might they notice that you take for granted?
2. Think of other, alternative ways of getting the thing you think you lack. Jealousy and envy both alert us to desires and needs that we have. So, we need to admit to those needs and desires and consciously work towards them. Nowhere else is this more relevant than in relationships. Often, we feel jealousy because there is a third party threat to our connection with someone. We feel un-included once they enter the picture and develop insecurity about the connection. We then make it about eliminating the threat rather than deepening the connection we have with our partner.
Though one could argue that because jealousy is an egoic construct, it is innately un-spiritual or bad. But jealousy in a relationship is actually a good thing provided that one is conscious about it instead of reactive. It preserves our bond with the other person by alerting us to the fact that we need to develop a deeper and more secure connection with them as well as a deeper and more secure connection with ourselves. It is an opportunity to get closer with the other person. To learn more about this, watch my video on YouTube titled “Meet your needs”.
3. Never expect yourself NOT to feel this way. There is nothing that turns jealousy and envy into a wide open wound more than denying it, thinking it shouldn’t be there or feeling guilty about feeling it. You will never be able to control your jealousy or envy. The feeling, even if it is caused by a skewed perception is valid and justified. On that note, never tell someone who is feeling jealousy or envy that they shouldn’t feel that way. Instead, when the feeling of jealousy or envy arise, soothe yourself by telling yourself that it is ok and even right to feel jealous and to feel envy in this situation. Then, switch your attention to the painful beliefs that are triggering the jealousy. We need to step back from the story line we are identified with in this situation. What are you making this situation mean? When it comes to a situation that is causing you to feel jealous or envious, it always means there is a painful belief that needs to be directly addressed. For this reason, I have created a triad of videos that are designed specifically to un-root and dissolve painful beliefs. Watch these videos, applying each one to the specific jealousy or envy you are feeling. The first is: “How to Find a Core Belief”. The second is: “Meaning, The Self Destruct Button.” And the third is: “How to Change a Belief”. Your emotions are always a perfect reflection of what you’re thinking, whether you’re conscious of what you’re thinking or not. So there was never anything wrong with how you feel.
4. Jealousy and envy comes with low self-esteem like peanut butter and jelly. Improving your self worth is absolutely critical if you struggle with these emotions chronically. Chronic jealousy or envy is a chronic perception of lack relative to the self. So, now is the time to really learn about self-love and begin practicing it. Self-love (which creates self-esteem) is not something you should expect yourself to know how to do yet. But you can learn how. I wrote a book called Shadows Before Dawn, entirely about this subject. I wrote it because I got sick of people saying, “Love yourself” but giving no guidance as to how to love yourself, so this book is the practical “How To” of loving yourself. You can buy it anywhere books are sold.
5. If jealousy, envy and low self-esteem are peanut butter and jelly, shame is the bread that keeps it all together. For this reason, it is time to face your feelings of shame. To do this, watch my video on YouTube titled “How to Overcome Shame”.
6. Envy and jealousy arises from comparison thinking. There’s nothing inherently “wrong” with comparison thinking. For example, when it is part of healthy competition, it can even fuel us to do our best. But if we are using it as a tool for self-abuse, we need to see it for what it really is. Comparison thinking is unfair. We are comparing the worst we know about ourselves to the best we assume about others. If this was competition, we’d be on their side, not ours! Yikes. Also, you did not come here to be the best as compared to someone else. If this was in fact the point of life, God or source would have just made clones of the best possible person. We came here to be unique expressions of source consciousness and by comparing yourself to others, you’re disallowing your own uniqueness. You are focusing on what they have instead of on what you have, so you’ll miss being able to see your own value entirely. Michelangelo once said, “every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it.” This is simply genius. Your contribution, purpose and value to this world is entirely unique so let it be.
And remember, as any therapist can tell you with certainty, just because we think someone looks like they “have it all together” doesn’t mean that’s the actual truth. The truth is, we don’t actually see the whole picture of someone else’s life. We don’t know what struggles they might be facing or who they might be envious of.
If you absolutely can’t stop comparing yourself, redirect that comparison thinking to a past self. What are you doing now that you couldn’t have done or were not doing five years ago? How have you improved and how has your life improved over time?
7. Make gratitude your spiritual practice. This seems rather trite, but in fact it is the most beneficial spiritual practice for lack consciousness. You can’t recognize what you lack and recognize what you have at the same time. When we are feeling gratitude or appreciation, we are looking squarely at what we have and the feelings of lack, including jealousy and envy go away. So carry a gratitude journal with you and write down things you feel grateful for whenever you have a spare moment. Play a game with yourself. As you go about your day, do a mental scavenger hunt for the things you appreciate in the present moment of your life.
8. Be open about these feelings with others. This means, you have to be vulnerable. When shadow aspects of your being are exposed to the light of consciousness, they lose their power. They cannot operate like marionette strings behind the curtain. Jealousy and envy hurt us when we don’t face them directly and instead, act on the feelings in ways that control or hurt others. By openly talking about your envy or jealousy, you also provide others with the opportunity to help you alter your painful and often limited perspective.
9. When you feel jealousy or envy, instead of taking actions that are designed to take from others, take actions that are generous. This requires some creative thinking relative to the situation you may find yourself in. Because jealousy and envy is about lack, you can dissolve this perception of lack by giving to others. For example, you could give love or give attention or give help or give praise or give money or give anything else you might have to someone. By doing this, you see the value you actually do have. Do this because you want to stop feeling jealous or envious, not because you want to get something back. That is just a manipulative action designed to cover over the fact that you want to take from someone else (which is coming from a place of more lack). But abundance in any form is like air, if we stop the flow of the out breath, we cannot breath in either. So by breathing out, you open yourself to receiving. Obviously by receiving you will not feel such a lack. So, if you are feeling jealousy or envy, ask yourself, “How could I be generous right here and now?” And take that action. Pay attention to feel how the tension inherent in jealousy and envy softens.
Changing beliefs, reactions, and destructive behaviors through mastering your point of view is literally the key to setting yourself free. It is the cornerstone of spiritual practice. Eventually you can literally move your self out of a belief and out of an emotion like jealousy or envy as if you were changing your clothes. Jealousy and envy are not to be feared. They reveal your deep needs and desires and thus the next steps you want to take in the direction that is most true to your core self. It’s tempting when you feel jealousy or envy to feel like you are being tormented by something you want but feel you lack. But don’t forget that it’s universal truth that you cannot want something in the first place if it wasn’t meant to be yours. That would defy universal expansion, which is the whole purpose of life here on earth.
The second we realized that mind creates reality and the minute we became acquainted with the law of attraction, we took that to the worst possible place and became spiritual perfectionists to the degree that we were actually more self loving when we were unconscious and believed that the world was separate from us and bad things just happened to us. We believe everything is about positive focus and feeling good and that if we aren’t feeling good, we’re out of control and failing miserably.
The law of attraction essentially is the law of mirroring. It is a learning construct in this time space reality that enables us to clearly see ourselves in that whatever is inside us is reflected externally. In seeing things clearly like this, we can then change our thoughts and words and actions so the external reflects what we would prefer. It is the perfect platform for expansion, evolution and progression, all of which facilitates awareness and awakening. But so much of the stuff that reflects in our external reality are things within us we have no conscious awareness of, until it shows up externally. We call this post-manifestational awareness. And even when we become consciously aware of it, it’s not all that easy to change. You can recognize that your spouse leaving you is the reflection of the abandonment issues you have, but did that awareness cause you to feel good about your spouse leaving? No. The bottom line is, we don’t feel good all the time but we’ve been told it’s our choice to feel good or bad at all moments of the day and so, what do we do? We feel like failures because our life isn’t picture perfect but all we know how to do is try harder and so we become self-abusive in the name of spirituality. Let’s take a good look at what we really expect from ourselves and each other….
1. We expect ourselves to be aware of everything within ourselves so things never “surprise us” and thus we have total control over our reality. 2. We expect ourselves to consciously choose everything in our life. To intentionally create our life to the degree that nothing unwanted ever crosses our path. 3. We expect ourselves to be able to instantly change the thoughts we’re thinking and way we feel and thus feel good all the time, even if you fail at creating your reality and tragedy does strikes. 4. We expect ourselves to be the image of spiritual perfection we have in our heads. If you’re anything like me, under this kind of spiritual pressure, you’re thinking… I rue the day I ever got into this spiritual stuff. Consciousness isn’t worth it. And as if it isn’t bad enough that we expect this of ourselves, we expect it of other people too. We face the judgement within this community all the time. As if it isn’t bad enough that things aren’t going well, we get to add “and you’re creating it all” to the mix so we can essentially burn in the hell fire of self-blame. We have a belief that if we weren’t doing something wrong, our life would be going perfect. In other words, if life isn’t going perfect, we make it mean that we’re doing something spiritually wrong. You think “I should be feeling good no matter what is going on and if I’m not, I’m doing something wrong and bad things are gonna manifest. And I can’t seem to get it right cause look at my life… so something must be wrong with me.” Stop for a second and look at how terrible that kind of pressure and self-blame is for a minute. Even if you have to stop this video to think about that for a minute, do it. This is shame! And the spiritual community actually supports it! Speaking of which, I have a video on YouTube titled: How to Overcome Shame, I suggest you go watch it!
So, depending on your particular spiritual discipline, you have an externally imposed idea of how perfection should look and if you fall short of that, you make it mean that you’re failing. For example, if you are in some Buddhist circles, if you’re not at total peace in a state of non-reactivity, free from attachment and living as a minimalist in brown robes… There’s something wrong with you. Or if you’re in the positive focus law of attraction community, if you’re not a millionaire by now, with the perfect partner and the best possible career and wonderful friends and perfect health, feeling unconditional love as you drive your new Ferrari down the freeway with a positive forward thinking attitude… There’s something wrong with you.
Nothing is wrong with you. You’re not failing. It’s just that the ego has covertly hijacked your spiritual practice. The ego is the only aspect of you concerned with right vs. wrong, good vs. bad and failure vs. success. And the deeper truth is that you’re still desperately trying to get love by being right and good and successful. So give yourself that love. Have compassion and loving affection for the aspect of you that is so desperate to keep yourself good and right and successful in order to get love that it is now using spiritual practice to punish or pressure the rest of you into that mold. Realize that you’re dealing with yourself the same way adults in your childhood did. You’re expecting perfection from yourself in order to believe that something is right and lovable about you.
Sit down and have a come to Jesus moment about what you really expect from yourself and be honest about it. Get present to the pressure you’re putting on yourself. There is a difference between actually feeling forgiveness and expecting yourself to feel forgiveness. For example, I realized a while back that as a spiritual teacher I genuinely expected myself to feel good no matter what happened to me. I couldn’t do it. And so I felt like there was something wrong with me. So just so you get the spiritual pressure that even I put myself under, I believed something was wrong with me if I couldn’t feel love and joy when people were writing slanderous articles about me on the internet and burning my paintings publicly and sending death threats. Talk about self-abusive.
It’s also tempting when we aren’t genuinely honest with ourselves to resort to spiritual bypassing. If we believe we know how we should feel or should think or should be, to create a façade that we do feel that way and do think that way and are that way when the truth is we aren’t. So I suggest if you struggle with putting spiritual pressure on yourself to watch my video on YouTube titled: Spiritual Bypassing.
It is tempting to look at people you think are succeeding at actually being the spiritually perfected image you have in your head and making that the new standard you compare yourself to. Take it from me; I’m around other spiritual teachers all the time. So much of it is total pretense. For example, if I didn’t flat out tell you just then that I don’t feel good when I interact with the people who publicly slander me, you would have assumed I was fine with it cause my perspective is so transcendental. You don’t know what’s really going on with other people when they don’t flat out tell you and most people wont flat out tell you because they don’t want to be seen as failures and so you assume you’re the only one who can’t ‘get it right’. What if no one can get it right? And on top of that in this universe, there is no ultimate right. Let that set in for a minute. Right is a matter of perspective and if you haven’t noticed yet, no one agrees on that perspective. So right vs. wrong is an entirely subjective experience.
Let yourself off the hook. You can’t get life wrong because there are no words in the sky spelling out what is wrong. So there’s no way to get it right. What if you stopped expecting yourself at this very minute to feel good because feeling bad doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, would it be ok to not feel good? What if you stopped expecting yourself at this very minute to have the perfect job or the perfect partner or to be a millionaire because not having those things doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, would it be ok to be where you are?
Right now, make a list of the things you disapprove of about yourself. Those things that mean something is wrong with you. The things you expect from yourself but just can’t seem to live up to. Find approval for each item on this list. And involve other people in this brainstorming process if you’re having a hard time with it. So, for example, how is it good to feel bad? How is it good to be reactive? How is it good to have no money? Etc.
When you look at the things you expect from yourself or desperately want to reach, have another come to Jesus moment, but this time about why you want those things. Also, take a look at what are you trying to get away from to the opposite end of those things. For example, a person may want a perfect partner because they want to feel a sense of being loved and valued because to the opposite side, they hate the feeling of being alone with the feeling of being unlovable and worthless.
The bottom line is, you’ve been trying it this way for a long time. You’ve been trying to get it all right and be perfect according to your spiritual tradition and it hasn’t worked. You’ve just added your name to the overwhelmingly long list of people who hate themselves and are looking to spiritual practice to make them better and more lovable. If you knew you were never gonna get it right, what then? What would be possible then? What would you do instead? So take the pressure off. You aren’t failing. Imagine a world where it was ok to feel how you feel and experience what you’re experiencing. A world where you felt like everything about you and your life, including the stuff that isn’t necessarily preferred was lovable and valuable the way it is.
Morality is about principles, fundamental truths or propositions that serve as the foundation for a system of belief, behavior or chain of reasoning. Morals are principals concerning the rightness and wrongness or goodness and badness of behavior. What is the problem with this? To start with Source or God never wrote a code of ethics and morals in the sky. You may believe a book contains these God given ethics and morals, but you cannot prove that God wrote them. You can only believe God wrote them. Or believe that whoever wrote them wrote them on behalf of God correctly. Or God forbid believe someone translated the original texts correctly. And the thing is, you can guarantee that even if you believe that a text on morality is the word of God, another group of people definitely does not. In fact they believe they have the word of God. This wouldn’t be a problem if both parties agree on what God said about morality. But guess what? They do not… what then? As much uncertainty as it creates to admit to it, the reality is that people do not agree on what is right or what is wrong. And God or Source does not have an opinion on the matter because what we call God or Source is a consciousness that exists in a state of non-judgment. But you can’t even prove that I am right about that can you… you can only believe that I am.
The concept of right and wrong is entirely subjective and it just so happens that sometimes multiple people agree. When they agree, they often collect into little groups and validate each other’s subjective viewpoint and become more convinced everyone else is wrong until suddenly they are at war and convinced it is perfectly morally right to be at war. Right versus wrong as it applies to morality is a very slippery slope. For example, many Christians believe it is wrong to kill. It is a tenant in their bible. And yet as we speak soldiers who call themselves Christian kill people in the Middle East and believe it to be morally right to do so. And so do we. We drive around with bumper stickers displaying our support of their efforts overseas. We also believe it is moral to support them. So which is it? Is it moral or immoral to kill? Is it moral or immoral to support those who kill? If so, when is it moral to kill and why? Just ask this question to a group of enough people and watch the fight over morality ensue. Why does this fight ensue? Because the minute we decide a code of conduct is moral, we believe it should be universal. We believe it should be a code of conduct that applies to everyone. In fact, we often assume it is the same for everyone and we’re shocked when we find this isn’t the case. This is one of the most shocking thing about traveling the world. The modern concept of morality is dependent upon geographical location. And guess what? Morals change over time. Just look at a brief overview of history. In Europe it was once considered to be immoral for men and women to have physical contact on the dance floor. They were expected to dance together from opposite sides of the room. In India, marriage between people of different Castes was seen as immoral. In America, it was immoral to say Blast or Wretch or even Gosh. So was educating women. At one point in history it was considered moral to burn widows with their deceased husbands. It was considered moral to stone people to death and to own slaves and the list goes on. Just take a look at history to see how much has changed about our view of morality. You can bet some of what we see as immoral today, will be seen as moral tomorrow and some of what we see as moral today will be seen as immoral tomorrow. Morals (which are completely subjective whether they are subjective to a person or subjective to a group of people) are based off of things like personally acquired values, cultural upbringing and religious affiliation. Some of these morals you may have consciously chosen to adhere to. But let me tell you, most of the morals you live by are not yours. Like scaffolding, they are the structure that you built your life upon within the society you live in and many of them do not serve you or society at all. These imprints are inherited. They are imposed on you. They need to be questioned. But questioning our morals makes us very uncomfortable. To do so, we must emotionally confront the consequences we fear we will face if we are wrong or bad.
Morals keep us from being condemned. Condemnation being of course the experience of being completely disapproved of, especially publicly. It is the ultimate form of shame. And it exists to help us avoid the consequences, especially punishments that may be accessory to that disapproval. Growing up in a moral household is an intensely painful experience, seeing as a child must go through the experience of condemnation at the hands of people who see condemnation as a way of loving their child. In this scenario, shame and love become synonymous and self-regulation becomes self-abuse. To understand more about this, watch my video on YouTube titled: How To Overcome Shame. We, who are negatively judged, grow up to negatively judge unless we intervene in that unconscious process within ourselves. Morals are dysfunctional because they close the mind and the heart down. If we hold too hard to an idea of right versus wrong or good versus bad, we shut our minds to seeing any alternative truth. We shut people with alternative truths out of our lives. Principals are rigid. They do not allow for the flexible flow one must develop in order to move through this life without creating suffering. Morals also destroy relationships as is evident in war. But even on a smaller scale, morality prevents us from really seeing our friends and partners and from understanding one another by standing in their shoes. As it applies to romantic relationships, nowhere is this morality issue more evident than in the argument over fidelity. To understand how this works, watch my video on YouTube titled: Fidelity and Infidelity in relationships. Conscience is an inner feeling or voice which is subjectively viewed as acting as a guide to the rightness or wrongness of one's own behavior. Yes. That’s right. Conscience is subjective too. But it is concerned with the self instead of others. In other words, it is more concerned with right or wrong for you specifically versus right or wrong in general. There is an intuitive feel to conscience where as Morality is guided by reason. Think of conscience like a guiding light. That light is obscured and bent by morals. Morals are like a filter that the conscience is fed through. By questioning your morals and learning to hold the ones you do have loosely; you remove the filter that is obscuring the light of your conscience. You can feel your own inner truth as well as objective truth surfacing. You become a highly guided person who acts according to your internal sense of yes or no but who does not impose that internal yes or no on others.
There is a reason that ethics (moral philosophy) is an entire branch of philosophy. There is no solid truth relative to right or wrong and so, it is wide open for investigation. And let me tell you, if you ever want to wander way out on a limb mentally and emotionally, and open your mind way up relative to right and wrong, just start snooping around for information made available from this branch of philosophy.
What do you think is right? What do you think is wrong? What do you think is good? What do you think is bad? Open your mind up to alternative views if you haven’t. Remain curious of alternative views and stay open to your own views relative to conscience changing as a result of that curiosity. You can continue to share your way and share how you feel relative to specific subjects without making other people ‘wrong’ and condemning them.
A person who has high morals does not just make others wrong, they run the risk of making themselves wrong and living a life riddled with shame and guilt because of it. Any time you live your life according to how you think things should be, and life brings you a scenario where your inner compass says yes, but your morals say no, you will be in a world of torment as a result of self-condemnation. If you are one of these people who knows that you have made yourself wrong according to your own moral standards, watch my video on YouTube titled: How To Let Go of Guilt.
I suggest that you lay down your moral judgments and instead make a practice of curiosity and conscience. It is the perfect antidote to the Ego’s morality trap. Any time you are confronted with a view or argument that triggers your morality buttons, consciously pretend you are an extraterrestrial with no prior ideas of right or wrong, good or bad. Try to take on their perspective entirely. Let it enter you as if genuinely considering it from their perspective with their background surrounded by their influences. Rigidity is a painful experience within the body. By doing this, you will feel yourself softening. Many times your own view will not change, but your condemnation of the other will. And morality will give way to conscience. You may just be able to find a meeting of minds.
Play this game with yourself as well, any time your internal compass says yes when your moral compass says no. Take on the perspective of the one who says no within you and then the one who says yes within you as if you are an extraterrestrial with no prior ideas of right and wrong and explore those two distinct perspectives and the values and needs and desires associated with each of them. Feel your self-condemnation melt away.
Question your morals and perhaps your conscience can shine through as a reflection of your true self because the correct way, the true way and the only way… does not exist.
When we first come into this life, we experience the world entirely through felt perception. We feel the world before we see the world. Feeling and emotion is not only the heart of your life here on earth, it is also the heart of your relationships. Given this truth, it is obvious why it is such a big problem that we have a negative relationship with our emotions. Our relationship with our own emotions and other people’s emotions begins in our childhood. In today’s world, most parents ignore the world of emotion entirely. They adhere to typical parenting advice, which focuses on how to correct misbehavior whilst disregarding the feelings that underlie and cause the misbehavior. Regardless of how far we have progressed, the goal of parenting is still to have a compliant and obedient child, not to raise a healthy adult. The goal is to raise a child who is “good”. Our justice system takes the exact same approach with regards to misbehavior. We are concerned with correcting misbehavior and creating good citizens whilst being unconcerned with the feelings that motivate such misbehavior. Good parenting involves emotion. Good relationships involve emotion.
Today, most parents make three crucial mistakes, the same ones that were most likely made with you when you were growing up. 1. They disapprove of their children’s emotions, 2. They dismiss their children’s emotions and 3. They offer no guidance to a child with regards to their emotions. The parent who disapproves of their child’s emotions is critical of their children’s displays of negative emotion and reprimand or punish for emotional expression. The parent, who dismisses their child’s emotions, disregards them as important, ignores their child’s emotions or worse, trivializes their child’s emotions. And the parent, who offers no guidance, may empathize with their child’s emotions, but does not set limits on behavior or assist the child in understanding and coping with their emotion. The most damaging aspect of emotional dismissal and disapproval is as follows. When a parent disapproves of their child’s emotion or dismisses it, the child begins to accept the parent’s estimation of the event and learns to doubt his or her own judgment. As a result, the child loses confidence in themself. When emotional dysfunction rules the relationship, the child learns that they have no right to feel how they feel. They learn that it is wrong to feel how they feel. In short, they learn that it is wrong to feel the way that they feel. Now here’s the crux, the child believes that if it is wrong to feel the way they feel, but they feel that way, something must be wrong with them.
Because this is how our parents taught us to treat emotion, this is how we treat our own feelings and each other’s feelings as adults. Our friendships and romantic relationships are painful because we do not know how to emotionally relate with one another. We fail to develop true intimacy with one another. We dismiss each other’s emotions. We disapprove of each other’s feelings. We tell other people how they should and shouldn’t feel. We have no patience for the emotional needs of others. We see emotions and feelings as weakness. We call people who display emotions, sensitive. And as a result, our adult relationships are emotionally unhealthy.
When we learn one way or another over the course of our lives that it is not ok to have feelings, there is one particular strategy we use to deal with our emotion that is the most dysfunctional and damaging in the long run. We learn how to “tune out” our emotions, disconnect from them, deny them, disown them, suppress them and likewise banish them from our awareness. In other words, we stop feeling. It is as if feelings in their entirety are unacceptable and so they are delegated to the subconscious mind. At a more minor level, this is like a perpetual numbness and/or suppression and on a more serious level, this is dissociation.
Your feelings are not only the key to good relationships with yourself and others; they are your guidance system in life. So learning how to feel is as critical as learning how to use a compass in the open sea. The better you are at feeling, the deeper your connection with life will be. The better you are at feeling, the more clarity you have. The better you are at feeling, the faster you will heal. The better you are at feeling, the more aware you are of what you really want. The better you are at feeling, the more sensitive your internal navigation system will be and thus the easier it will be to come into alignment and thus experience the kind of life that reflects that alignment.
So here are some tips for how to start feeling:
Admit to where you are. You’ve got to be aware that you are not really aware of how you feel in order to turn your awareness deliberately towards feeling and begin to feel again. Reflect back on your childhood and life up to this point. What was it about your environment that led you to believe that emotions are threatening or dangerous? What experiences were you adapting to? I’ll tip you off… Lack of emotional awareness and connection is most often associated with what we call an avoidant attachment pattern in children, which develops into a dismissing attachment pattern in adults. This situation develops when a child does not get consistent or reliable emotional support from caregivers and adapts by emphasizing his or her self-sufficiency. An avoidant attachment pattern does not necessarily imply that parents were negligent. It does mean that parents, or other significant caregivers, exhibited a dismissing attachment pattern themselves. In that they taught the child that they were not reliable, especially emotionally and so relying on them and depending on that connection and intimacy with them was emotionally dangerous. A child might respond in childhood or early adulthood by distancing from that parent, adopting a dismissing stance towards that relationship and adopting the belief “I’m all good, I don’t need others and they aren’t the most important thing to me, I’m fine on my own”.
Practice coming back into your body. Sometimes if we can’t feel, it’s because we are not really embodied. Our consciousness is trying to avoid being in the body. As adults we’re conditioned to live outside our body, to always be focused externally. Also, if we were ever unsafe in our bodies, this motivation to live outside the body becomes stronger and stronger. We need to slow down and consciously imagine (which is calling the consciousness back) that our consciousness is sinking or dropping back into our body. Massaging or holding your ankles and feet while you do this is a good idea, as it can ground you back into the physical dimension. Lying in warm water can assist this process as well. Another good technique you can use is to take a breath and imagine that you are breathing that breath retroactively into your body as you exhale.
It is tempting to think that something about you is broken or that feeling is buried so deep you have no access to it. This is not the case. Your emotions are always giving you accurate feedback about yourself and your inner truth in each situation, whether you are allowing yourself to become aware of those feelings or not. Many of us simply bypass how we feel so quickly with our mind or actions that we do not stop long enough to become aware of how we feel. This habit must be broken. The first thing you need to do is to buy a little journal to carry with you during the day. Set a timer to go off at random intervals throughout the day and each time it goes off, close your eyes and scan the inside of your body. You are going to pretend that your skin separates your internal world from your external world. And the goal of the exercise is to “check in” with the internal world and write down the feelings you notice in this journal each time the timer goes off. These feelings could come with labels like emotions, such as shame or joy. If you’re confused about emotions, print off a sheet of paper that lists the various emotions and try to select the one that best represents your inner state at that time. Or the feelings could just be pure sensations, such as tightness or swelling or buzzing. After you get comfortable with simply reporting your emotion in the journal, reflect on what you think is giving rise to the feeling you are experiencing. For example, if you feel shame, you might become aware of the fact that you’ve been feeling this way ever since your boss put you on the spot at the company meeting.
Make use of particularly strong feelings to become aware of feeling. Use sensations that arise in your body in reaction to things as an alarm bell. Each time you feel a strong sensation that is the internal alarm going off saying “there’s something important here, pay attention to me”. So turn your attention inwards and sit with the emotion, give it your undivided attention and unconditional presence. Instead of trying to bypass, ignore, fix or heal the emotions, embrace the feelings and emotions entirely, no matter how painful they may be. Be with the feelings and emotions instead of trying to change them. Listen to them and what they need you to know. Observe the sensations and feelings and emotions in your body. They will intensify as you focus on them. Breathe continuously without unnecessary pauses between breaths. Breathe in and out of your nose. Notice the way you feel. Your entire goal is to be with your feelings, which is to fully be with yourself the way you truly are right here and now. For more detailed instructions about how to do this process, watch my video on YouTube titled: How to Heal the Emotional Body.
Create feeling experiences (both subtle and not so subtle, both positive and negative) for yourself specifically so you can pay attention to the feeling reactions you have to what is happening within your internal world. The whole goal of this exercise is to become aware of how experiences feel to you. Some examples of feeling experiences could be riding a ride at an amusement park, watching different movies that are designed to elicit different feelings within you, hanging out with different people from different cultures and social groups, climbing a mountain, having your skin rubbed with something soft, getting into an argument or another emotionally charged situation, swimming in the ocean, getting stuck in traffic, intentionally trying to or allowing yourself to feel someone else’s pain, visiting a homeless shelter or animal pound etc. See if you can notice not just the feeling from extreme experiences, but also the feeling from subtle, seemingly insignificant experiences.
Watch how emotion responds to thought. Deliberately think a thought that is horrible. Watch the feeling reaction you have to that thought. Deliberately think a thought that is wonderful. Watch the feeling reaction you have to the thought as if you were just observing it happen. Play around with different thoughts, both image thoughts such as the image of a coral reef and word thoughts such as “I am a failure”. And watch how the feeling response within you shifts and changes.
Address what you are afraid will happen if you do feel. Unveil the positive intention you have behind suppressing, denying, rejecting, or being unable to feel your emotions. We only ever engage in something that we subconsciously think serves us positively in some way. But often this positive intention is buried so deep that we do not have conscious awareness of it. Our healing depends on us being brave enough to uncover and be honest with ourselves about those buried positive intentions. Ask yourself… what bad thing will happen if I feel? The answer may be, I will be out of control. Then ask yourself, what is the hidden positive intention I have for not feeling? The answer might be, “I get to be in control”. You’ve got to make peace with or release resistance to what you’re trying to avoid by not feeling in order to feel. Also, you need to alter your perspective about getting whatever you’re getting out of not feeling in order to allow yourself to be conscious of how you feel. For example, you’ve got to release resistance to the idea of being out of control and/or see that feeling emotions does not mean you’re out of control and/or let go of the need to be in control in order to start feeling if the hidden positive intention of not feeling is to stay in control. By discovering the hidden positive intentions behind the things we struggle with, we can find different, healthy ways to fulfill our needs so there will be no longer be a reason to perpetuate negative situations in order to meet those needs.
Let yourself express emotions that you are aware that you feel. This eventually involves talking about your emotion to others in a meaningful way. For more on how to do this, watch my video on YouTube titled: How to Express Your Emotion.
Willingly feel for and experience the despair within you. Despair is a complete absence or loss of hope. It is utter powerlessness. Face it. A cover emotion is an emotion that exists to keep you out of a lower vibrational feeling. For example, anger is a cover emotion for fear. The cover emotions are like ice over a lake that prevents you from falling into the deep water beneath. Numbness or lack of feeling is in fact a cover emotion for the emotion of despair. The willingness and choice to acknowledge, feel and experience that despair, makes it so there is no longer a purpose for the numbness to exist. Anytime the feeling of despair surfaces within you, treat it like your doorway to freedom from disconnection and your doorway to feeling.
“Call off the Guards”. People, who have a hard time feeling, in fact use mental techniques in a very subconscious way to remove themselves from the experience of fully feeling. For example, they may immediately resort to spiritual bypassing or minimizing events or engaging in a focus or addictive behavior that gets their mind off it. They use their cognitive abilities and their intense sense for potential emotional trouble to “head major emotions off at the pass”. People who are that good at depersonalizing, or 'de-emotionalizing' their experiences recognize when emotions are about to occur, they are even more aware than most people are of the bodily changes in body language, skin heat and perspiration or arousal for example. But they are so quick to avoid the intensity of these experiences that they then use their mind to intellectualize the experience, which immediately cuts the charge out of an emotion! Your ability to feel depends on becoming aware of this 6th sense you have for knowing when emotions are about to occur and becoming aware of how you use your mind to shut them down before they actualize. Imagine these behaviors and thoughts designed to keep you out of charged emotion like guards and once you become adept at catching yourself in the act of this defense mechanism, choose to “call of the guards” by not employing those thoughts and actions and instead, letting yourself fully feel the hit of the emotion you were tempted to head off at the pass.
Feeling is the hallmark of being alive. A life without feeling is no life at all. So allow the feeling experience of life to move through you, if it scares you to do so, let the fear of feeling move through you completely and soon, you will feel yourself come back to life.
Way back when, psychics used to consciously allow beings to take control of their hand and write messages, letter and even books. This is when automatic writing became well known. Perhaps you are familiar with channeling. When someone channels, they are allowing the frequency of another being to come through their physical body and being. It works in a similar way to receiving a channel on a radio station. If you “tune into” the frequency being broadcast at 98.7 FM, you receive the channel and you can then hear it in your car radio. People can receive channels like that only they are specific streams of consciousness within the quantum field. When people dis-identify with themselves, those streams of consciousness can then speak through them or write through them. Some examples of famous channels you may know today are Bashar, Helene Smith, Neale Donald Walsh, Ramtha, Abraham Hicks, Theo and Seth. Automatic writing is the written form of channeling. And even though some people are particularly clear channels, whose own thoughts do not interfere with the signal of another being’s stream of consciousness, all people are technically channels who can learn the art of automatic writing. And it is one of the most useful therapeutic tools to access and become aware of your own subconscious mind. To begin, 1. Sit somewhere with a pen or pencil and paper totally free from distractions in a place where you are not going to feel tension. To begin with, you may wish to use the hand that you do not usually write with. The hand you write with is wired to neural pathways that are already set up within the brain according to thoughts you are used to thinking and things you’re used to doing. We want none of these neural pathway filters to interfere in this process. When you get more skilled at automatic writing, it will no longer matter which hand you use. 2. Adopt a position that feels “freeing” sort of like energy can move through you easily like a river. Relax all the muscles in your body, beginning with the top of your head and moving all the way down your body to your toes. Many people prefer to have the paper on their laps while sitting at a slight recline. Many people also prefer to do this process naked. 3. Put the pen to paper and consciously imagine letting go of control. Let go of all your inhibition. Just give it away, knowing that you can gain it back at any time you wish or if you wish to stop the exercise. It actually feels good to totally let go. Let go also of thoughts. If you need to meditate for however long it takes to clear the mind chatter, do so. In other words, meditate long enough that the gaps between thoughts become wide enough that you feel a kind of inner spaciousness. Do not think about the process of automatic writing. Simply allow your pen to begin to move. Letting anything come through the pen, no matter if it makes sense of not. It doesn’t need to make sense. Do not interpret what is being written, you can do that later. It is normal for the mind to butt in and try to take control. If it does this, simply stop writing and consciously let go of control again like you did at the beginning of the exercise. You can either do this with your eyes open or closed. And note that automatic writing can come in the form of doodles, pictures, symbols or words.
4. Allow the pen to move without your conscious will controlling it for as long as it wants to move. And when you’re finished, take a look at what has come out, feel free to assess what has occurred.
5. Become familiar with this process of letting yourself channel in general before you try channeling any specific stream of consciousness. Then when you are ready… Decide to either open up to whoever wants to come through you at this time (if you do this, you can ask for the to give you their name)… Or select a specific stream of consciousness to channel. Some examples of streams of consciousness you could try to allow to communicate through you are: Your higher self, your shadow self (subconscious), your child self, someone else’s child self, someone else’s conscious mind, someone else’s subconscious mind, someone else’s higher self, an extraterrestrial being, your spirit guides, your soul family, Jesus, the ascended masters as a group consciousness, the Buddha, a specific ghost or a deceased loved one. Keeping in mind that some are much more eager to be channeled than others. 6. Tap into their energy, attuning to it as if you were receiving a radio channel. Allow it to consume your being. Lose your identity and sense of separate self as if you’re dissolving into their frequency and breathing them through you. And repeat the same process described earlier, except this time with the conscious invitation for this specific energy to come through you. Imagine or sense or feel this stream of consciousness literally flowing through you as if it was a literal stream cascading through you and through your hand. You can either choose to let the writing flow or you can ask it questions (or have someone else ask it questions) and allow it to write the answers. If at any time you feel yourself listening to the answers and information or wanting to take the control back and answer how you want to answer instead of allowing the information to come through completely separate of attachment to what is said, simply stop and consciously let go of control again, it will feel similar to the feeling of swimming upstream in a river and then suddenly letting go and letting the current take you, limp and with no resistance whatsoever.
7. Come back to conscious awareness, reminding yourself of who you are in this current life and where you are and what year it is and then look over the information that was written.
It must be said that we are still subject to the law of attraction; if your frequency is bogged down with low frequency emotional wounds etc. it is not unheard of to attract a very low vibrational entity to come through you. This is usually what is happening when people are interacting with an entity that feels malevolent or when people allow possession. If this occurs, there is no need to slip into fear and panic. Just realize that this entity is reflecting an unhealed aspect of your being. If you are terrified of malevolent entities, watch my video on YouTube titled: Do Demons Exist? But the fact that we attract entities of like frequency means that it is absolutely crucial that anyone who wishes to develop the skill of channeling commits himself or herself to becoming the clearest channel that they can be. Adherence to a purifying diet, the practice of dis-identification, activities that raise your personal frequency and meditation is critical. For this reason, I want you to watch my videos on YouTube titled: How to Raise Your Frequency and Increase Your Vibration, Is There a Spiritual Diet, Dis-identification (the practice of non attachment), and Meditation to Release Resistance and Allow. Remember that if at any point in the process you become uncomfortable, stop. You can resume with the help of someone you trust to assist the process, such as a more experienced spiritual teacher, psychic, healer or occult practitioner if you wish.
Practice, practice and more practice! Certain things in our world become conductors of electricity. In the same way that electricity passes easily through them, with more practice you will become like a conductor of spiritual energy. The process will become more natural and effortless and the writing will begin to sound less and less like you as your thinking mind gives way. You will eventually be able to step out of the way for information coming from a non-physical dimension to come through you. It will be the most “in the flow” writing you’ve ever done. In fact, many of the greatest artists in history are in fact channels, who do not create art or writing, but instead, who allow the art to come through them.
At the very least, automatic writing sparks some serious creativity. But feel free to smile, I’m giving you full permission to become your own personal Ouija board and to get much more than a simple yes or no answer.