I’m going to warn you. This is the biggest “call out” I have done up to this point. Because of the fact that I will be pressing on your biggest pain point, which is your deepest unmet need; and also, the lie of altruism, be prepared for this episode to trigger you. It is especially likely to trigger shame. Just know that I wouldn’t be doing this if you weren’t ready.
The first truth I must present so that you understand the rest of what is to come is:
There is no such thing as altruism in the universe. Before you panic about this and decide the universe is evil, consider that in a universe where at the most fundamental level all is one, there cannot be altruism. Altruism is a concept that can only exist in a reality of self vs. other and thus in an atmosphere of separation. This means that acting selflessly is not actually possible. And self-sacrifice is in fact a self-centered act. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Self Sacrifice, the Most Self-Centered Thing in the World. Altruism is usually a mutually beneficial thing. But I say mutually beneficial, because it does not happen unless there is a personal benefit on behalf of the person who is taking ‘altruistic’ action. Because altruism is not possible, only mutual benefit is, conscious transaction is in fact the next step for the human race. When you see something as a part of yourself, suddenly their happiness is a part of your happiness and so there is immediate, built in and intrinsic benefit to lending your energy to their wellbeing. But before people can truly grasp oneness and therefore see ‘other’ as a part of themselves, conscious transaction is the closest that people can get to love at this point in human evolution. When someone is being “altruistic”, they are trying to create a mutually beneficial arrangement or transaction without your knowledge. The problem is that right now, people are doing this with one another un-consciously and subconsciously rather than consciously.
The blind spot that you have is the WHY you do nice things for other people. To understand what is in this blind spot, we have to go back to childhood. Right now, no matter how good parenting is, the elements that either are or aren’t there in a child’s upbringing amounts to an upbringing that is not perfect. This means there are needs you did not get met from your parents or other people or situations in your childhood. But we can narrow this down and say that most people are starving for something very specific. Because they did not ever get that specific thing, they don’t think it will be given to them. They have to figure out how to get it and they believe they must either ‘take it’ or ‘pay for it’. Whenever we feel a need cannot be met directly because it won’t be given and it won’t come as a result of asking for it, we feel we must manipulate to get it. Manipulation is simply a strategy we use to try to get something that we can’t get directly, in an indirect way. To understand more about this, you can watch my video titled: Meet Your Needs. You create a subconscious transaction where you do something nice for them (what many would call altruistic) with the expectation of getting that thing you have been starving for in return. Because it is subconscious, you don’t communicate this transaction to the other person. You never express what you’re expecting to get, because you’re not conscious of it.
The problem is that most of the time because you are going about the process indirectly and so the person never knows or agrees to their side of the deal, the transaction will go sour. You won’t get that need met by doing it. Also it is likely that you will try to create a transaction in a situation or with a person that mirrors the original person or situation in which you didn’t get the need met in the first place. Thus it is even less likely to produce the result you are going for.
So you can understand this pattern, I’ve got some examples:
A child is a scapegoat in the family and doesn’t get alliance no matter what they do. They are always the bad guy. As an adult, this child does things for others expecting that if they do, they will get guaranteed allegiance. If the people in their life do things that seem un-allied, they will feel betrayed and taken for granted by them.
A man’s father left when he was a child and his mother treated him like a burden, who was on his own to do everything by himself. He could never get the need met of someone being totally committed to him. He gives everything to the woman he is with now.
Puts her through college, buys her gifts, pays for her rent, helps her with everything, all with the hidden expectation that it will guarantee her life-long commitment. If she acts not committed in any way, he feels crushed, taken advantage of and like he is in a one-way relationship.
A girl’s parents were always busy and off doing other things. They did not help her succeed in any way. She needed but could never get togetherness. She rescues men and is with them no matter what with the idea that doing so will guarantee that they will do the same in return… to always commit to togetherness. If the man she is with starts to do things that make her feel like they are not “together” in life, like walk ahead of her or decide to spend time with his friends instead of her or do something for himself instead of for ‘them’, she will feel completely alone and undervalued and abandoned and used and resentful.
A boy is always disapproved of. His unmet need is unconditional approval. When he grows up, he gives unconditional approval to people who exhibit behaviors that are disapproved of by others, expecting to get the same in return. He even makes mistakes to “test them” in their capacity to continue meeting this need. If they begin to disapprove of him in any way, he feels angry, worthless, wrongly and unfairly treated.
A child was never seen as special. They try to befriend a celebrity because they can see that deep down the celebrity is lonely. They do this because if they are friends with a celebrity, they can feel significant by proxy and this makes them feel special. But this is a transaction. If they are treated in any way by that celebrity or anyone around the celebrity in a way that doesn’t make them feel special, they feel insignificant and therefore re-traumatized and vengeful. Celebrities have died as a result of this turn of events leading to friends trying to gain back significance in the celebrity’s life by killing them.
It is common that in our relationships we will “test” the other person relative to this need of ours that we are trying to subconsciously meet through hidden transaction. We will act in ways so as to say: Are you really committed? Will I really get unconditional approval? Will you really see me as excellent? What if I do this?? Or that?? We will do this in order to see how reliable and secure this need meeting is because we feel so deeply insecure about it.
You use these hidden transactions as a way to meeting your un-met needs. It will seem on the surface like altruism. But if the unmet need is not met… If the thing you’re making a subconscious transaction to get is not given, you will feel the way that anyone feels when someone doesn’t hold up their end of a deal. Things like betrayed, taken for granted, resentful and even hatred. Something interesting to recognize is that the relationship that you will consider the most painful, is the one in which the needs you have in the subconscious transaction are met the very least. For example, if what a woman is looking to get out of her subconscious transaction with a friend is: recognize the positive in me, her worst friendship will be the one in which her excellence is recognized the least in exchange for what she is doing for that other person.
The solution to this pattern is not to stop being selfish and to stop being transactional. It is to make subconscious transaction a conscious and expressed and agreed to transaction instead. To do this, you have to first recognize the needs you are trying to fulfill through subconscious transactions. Look at a nice thing you are doing for someone in your life or thinking about doing. Ask yourself: If I were to accept that there is no such thing as altruism in this universe, therefore the reality is that I am trying to get some need (or needs) met for myself out of doing this “altruistic” thing, what is that need? What do I expect in return? What is the feeling state I’m after? What would make me mad to not get as a result of doing this thing?
I’ll give you a hint: The core thing we are trying to get through hidden transaction is the thing you will complain about others not doing, not offering and not giving to you or to others the very most. It will also be interesting for you to know that if you can’t go directly for that need, your child will likely carry on the legacy of trying to get that need met… or actually be the one to get it met.
You also have to recognize the needs other people are trying to fulfill through subconscious transactions for doing nice things for you. If you were to accept that there is no such thing as altruism in this universe, therefore the reality is that they trying to get some need (or needs) met for themselves out of doing this “altruistic” thing, what is that need? What do they expect in return? What is the feeling state they are after? What would make them mad to not get as a result of doing this thing?
Granted, having a conversation with other people about this usually triggers intense levels of shame and as a result, denial. But the ideal situation is that a conversation can take place so as to mutually arrive consciously at a mutually beneficial transaction for you both. This conversation can sometimes reveal that you will always be barking up the wrong tree trying to get the specific need you have met from that person or in that situation. But this brings you one step closer to a person or situation where you can actually get it.
The other thing you can do is to integrate the part of you that doesn’t give you or allow you to have the thing you’re trying to get from others through subconscious transaction. For example, a woman who is trying to get commitment by doing nice things for the men in her life, must integrate the part of herself that is not committed to her. A man who is trying to get the recognition of excellence by doing things for other people, must integrate the part of him that does not recognize him as excellent. To learn how to do this, watch my video titled: Parts Work (What is Parts Work and How to Do It).
When you figure out what need you are trying to meet in this round-about way, don’t shame yourself for it. Instead, go directly for it with the people and in the ways that you can ACTUALLY get it.