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  • How To Overcome Porn Addiction


    The topic of porn is a difficult one to wrap our heads around because it involves human sexuality. And human sexuality is so profoundly out of alignment at this time (mostly as the result of the world religions) that we cannot yet separate out porn from our currently out of alignment human sexuality. Indeed porn in and of itself as a concept, could be very in alignment, it just so happens that today it usually is not because it is an extension of our out of alignment sexuality that then fuels and magnifies our out of alignment sexuality.
    Pornography is the portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purpose of sexual arousal. Why would we watch porn, because sexual desire and sexual arousal is usually a pleasant experience and pleasure is not wrong. So it must be understood that seeking out pleasure is also not wrong. It is useless to discuss the rightness or wrongness of porn. We must instead develop perspective about porn. First, lets take a look at the shadow side of porn.
    The number one shadow aspect of porn is that we often seek out pleasure to try to escape from pain. Porn is self-medication. Like any addiction, porn serves as a way to avoid pain. It blunts the senses and makes you forget everything else. It is hypnotic and trance like and makes you lose track of time. We use it to get relief from something. Porn is used to escape a painful emotional state. For example, we may use S&M porn to escape powerlessness by feeling a sense of power over someone. When it comes to porn addiction, the most common feeling one is trying to escape from is the feeling of emptiness. I am yet to meet one single person who watches porn on an ongoing basis who is not using porn to avoid a feeling state within them. The chemicals our own brain produces in response to certain stimulus can be many times more addictive than eternal substances that we put in our bodies like cocaine. So our body can develop a dependency on the very chemicals that it releases while watching porn similar to the way that we become addicted to something like cocaine. It throws us out of balance to the degree that when we do not watch porn; we begin to experience withdrawal symptoms. So even though porn feels like it fulfills a need, it actually simply creates a new need. In other words people think porn is a sexual outlet, which is fulfilling the need for release and satisfaction of the sex drive when in fact it is creating sexual craving. Porn can absolutely become an addiction. I do not think it is beneficial to draw an arbitrary line in the sand between addiction and compulsion. If you feel a lack of self-control relative to something, especially if you can’t discontinue something despite negative consequences, it is an addiction. The second major shadow aspect of porn is that the industry itself is so out of alignment. It is possible to portray sexual subject matter in an in alignment way, as a pure expression of source consciousness in a physical body. The religious fanatics around the world, who would turn all nudity into porn, are completely out of alignment. They are attempting to make your body and your sexuality, which is absolutely a part of who you are, a matter of shame. So leave the conservative view out of it for a time. What you’ll find is that regardless of whether we are conservative or liberal, we all know at our core that when sex is in alignment with ourselves as expressions of source consciousness, sex is much more than just physical gratification.
    The majority of porn today truly is only about physical gratification. The people in the scenes cease to become people to us and become more like objects or things to us. This objectification of both men and women in porn is a huge problem because when we watch them on the screen, we are in essence disconnected enough from it being another human being that we are now able to use another human being for personal gratification. We begin to vibrate at the same frequency as objectification and as soon as we objectify, we open ourselves up to feeling and even being objectified. What we will experience immediately as a result is a severe decrease in our sense of self worth and self esteem. This will come across as a feeling that your soul is being taken, and you may not even realize that the one is linked to the other, the porn is linked to the sudden loss of self esteem. The thrill of the interaction with porn covers over or masks the internal destruction that is occurring. A really good way to see just how much you objectify people in porn is to ask yourself, how would I feel if people were viewing my son in the same way that I am viewing this person on the screen? Or how would I feel if people were viewing my daughter in the same way that I am viewing this person on the screen. If you want, you can make it another family member, other than your son or daughter. The point being, when you know someone personally and when you care about him or her, they matter to you as a person. And objectification no longer feels ok. Those people on the screen are someone’s daughter or son, brother or sister, father or mother. So what does that tell us? It tells us that we have to be disconnected from someone to use him or her purely for physical arousal and relief and so you cannot prove that that is in alignment unless you first prove that disconnection is in alignment.
    You could argue that porn stars are willing participants and so, it is ok to use them for such personal gratification. But here’s the thing, most people who work as porn stars, were raised in unhealthy environments both sexually and emotionally. Many of them were sexually abused as youth. Their sexuality became their only sense of worth. They see their bodies as commodities. They have become comfortable with objectification. I want you to just think about where someone has to be emotionally to become comfortable and approving of themselves being objectified. Most of the porn stars, directors and producers etc. of porn are so out of alignment relative to their own sexuality that they could not make in alignment porn if they tried. The third major shadow of pornography is what it does to relationships. Now before I get too deep into this shadow, I will tell you that if you were completely in alignment with your own sexuality and you completely approved of using sexual arousal or sex merely for physical gratification, you would attract a partner who felt the same way. But when we are out of alignment with our own sexuality and we do not completely approve of using sex for physical gratification, we will attract a partner who does not feel the same way that we do and our use of porn will be a huge problem for them. It will hurt their feelings. So you could say that perhaps you need to find approval for it, so as to find a partner who does not mind and even shares our interest in porn. But what is more likely is that you need to acknowledge that deep in the seat of your soul, you have a knowing that you are gravitating to porn for reasons that in and of themselves are very out of alignment with your true being. Your disapproving partner may just be a reflection of the part of you that knows that your integrity and authenticity is in the opposite direction of where you are headed in those moments. Porn destroys intimacy. Intimacy is to see into someone, to feel into them, to hear them and to understand them. Sex can enhance intimacy. Sex can provide a widow into someone’s soul. But if we objectify the person on the screen or our partner (which is what we are doing with porn), we have no intimacy with them. If we objectify our partner, we are just two meat suits rubbing up against each other for our own individual pleasure. On an energetic level it appears more like sexual/energetic vampirism (where you’re trying to get something from someone) than it is like connection. Even if we watch porn as a couple, so as to become aroused, we are having more intimacy with the fantasy in our minds than we are having with each other. I will also tell you that porn and subsequent sexual escapades are a close personal favorite of those of us who fear intimacy. We get to connect with another person or at least the idea of another person, without actually connecting.
    The fourth major shadow of porn is that porn sets up neural pathways. When we become aroused by a specific kind of stimulus, we seek it out again and again. We may even lose our ability to be turned on in any other way. If we associate orgasm with our partner or with a light kiss, this is what will turn us on in the future. If we associate orgasm to the things we observe in porn, those things start to be the only way we can become aroused. Most of these sex acts are not only objectifying, they are un-pleasurable to our partner, especially emotionally. Many of them involve domination and submission power dynamics.
    I think one of the worst things porn has done for male-female sex is to give men a false idea about how women like to have sex. The porn stars in many of the films men watch are acting. They are faking orgasm specifically because the porn is being directed at male gratification. In reality, most women will not become aroused or feel good or orgasm if you mimic what you are seeing on the screen. Also what has made me sad again and again is that the neural pathways that are so often set up by pornography disable people from enjoying the art of lovemaking. When porn is used chronically, some people lose their ability to become aroused by anything that is not objectifying or impersonal.
    In past years, access to porn was difficult. Now due to the online presence of porn, it is only a click away and so young kids are now watching porn and porn is setting up their expectation about what sex should be like. And this includes not just vanilla pornography but also extreme pornography and dysfunctional fetishes. Pornography is becoming the only reference for sex and intimacy that the youth of today’s world have. This has serious social implication. The fifth major shadow of porn is that it is a huge distortion of sexual energies and often a waste of sexual energy. You have most likely heard of kundalini. Kundalini is your creative spiritual energy and it is indivisible from sexual energy. Sexual energy is merely one expression of kundalini. When you become aroused, you are raising your kudalini. When you orgasm for the sake of relief, you are releasing that energy. The question you should be asking yourself is what towards? Sexual energy is creative energy. If you are spending your kundalini by watching and getting off to porn, you are robbing yourself of creative energy. That energy is meant to be channeled towards creation, whether that creation is the creation of connection or the creation of actual life or the creation of ideas or the creation of the lifestyle you want to have. A state of atrophy or apathy is common for people who are addicted to porn because the energy they have to create their waking life is being spent. When we become addicted to porn, just like any other addiction we stop investing in our life. We stop engaging with real people.
    The sixth major shadow of porn is that our focus creates our reality and more than that our collective reality. You need to ask yourself, what is it that I am creating when I look at that thing that I am watching? The answer is always more of it. And like a drug, you need more and more extremity to get the same level of arousal. So the extreme nature of porn will keep going up and up. Compare a horror film of the 50s with a horror film today. They aren’t even comparable. What satisfies someone today sexually will no longer satisfy them in the near future. Then think about the implication of this human need for the next level of intensity as it applies to porn. If so many eyes are focused at the distorted and out of alignment form of sexuality, we are creating a collective reality of sexual distortion.
    The seventh major shadow of porn is that when people watch porn, they often compartmentalize the experience from their normal, daily life. It serves as a mental escape zone. They think that the law of attraction is somehow not applicable to that time period that they are watching porn and so that time is not part of the “I create my own reality” actuality. They think they can keep that aspect of their life secret and contained. So they do not realize that their porn watching is in fact not a separate reality, it is part of their every day reality, and it will absolutely merge with and effect their day to day life experiences, their values, belief systems, relationships, career etc.
    So what should you do if you have a porn addiction?
    1. Ask yourself the question, is porn adding to my life or is it taking away from my life? You have to be really honest with yourself in response to this question. Take a good look at where and what it has gotten you. If you struggle with porn addiction, you may spend years defending your addiction and justifying it. You may spend years telling yourself that everyone is doing it. Only you can decide if porn is negatively impacting your life but if you are convinced it is fine, you will not have the motivation necessary to shift.
    2. Become aware. Find out what you are trying to escape from by indulging in porn. The next time you feel the urge to watch, sit with the uncomfortable feeling as if you were exploring the sensation and try to identify what it is. Also, identify your triggers. A trigger is something that causes you to feel the compulsion to watch porn. Think about the last hours or minutes leading up to the moment when the urge occurs. Can you identify any triggers? For example, did you get into a fight with someone, which caused you to feel stressed and need release?
    3. Go in the direction of your negative emotions instead of away from them. Porn is an escape from a feeling state that you are trying to avoid. Instead of self-medicating, be unconditionally present with that feeling state. Integrate it. To learn how to do this process, watch my video on YouTube titled “How to Heal The Emotional Body”. Also, if you discover that the feeling of emptiness is the root of your porn use, which is often the case, watch my video on YouTube titled “How to Stop Feeling Empty”. 4. Change your life in accordance with whatever you discover about the feeling state you are trying to avoid. For example, if you are using porn to avoid boredom, get busy. Find a healthy preoccupation that requires your focused attention and energy. Or, if you find that you are using porn to escape stress, figure out what is making you the most stressed and either find healthier ways to manage the stress or change that aspect of your life entirely so the stress is no longer there. Basically, we have to face and work with the thing we are using porn to avoid if we want to stop feeling the urge.
    5. If you feel the urge to use, play a game of fast forward. You may be swept up in the excitement or arousal of watching now, but how are you going to feel after you have watched it? When you feel yourself wanting to watch porn, close your eyes and actively remember the feeling of the exhausted crash of disgust, shame or disappointment that you will feel afterwards and allow those anticipated negative post porn viewing feelings to sink in to the degree that they water down the heated excitement of the moment.
    6. Get into the mentality that porn does not exist. If you do the steps listed previously, the reason for indulging in porn will go away and so your urge will not be there which will make this step much easier. When it comes to addictions, the actual addiction is a symptom of the underlying problem and if you deal with the underlying problem, the symptom will go away. But especially when it comes to porn, we can tackle both the cause and the symptom at once.
    In my opinion, the best way for most people to address the porn addiction itself is to go cold turkey. In other words, don’t try to limit your time watching porn just stop watching all together. Get rid of your outlets for the addiction so you literally can’t access it and then think and act as if porn does not exist. Out of sheer necessity, you will be forced to replace the porn use with other things to direct that energy towards.
    7. In alignment with the last point, when you feel the urge to watch porn come up, recognize the rise in energy levels that you feel as the urge and re-direct that towards something that you deem to be a healthier and more beneficial. Pick something deserving of your energy. You cannot suppress the urge to watch porn, you can only re-direct it. Suppressed sexual energy is literally the mother of sexual dysfunction; this is why porn use is always the highest in areas like Utah, where sexuality is suppressed. Think about harnessing that energy. Ask yourself, “if I could harness that energy and put it towards something else that would directly benefit my life, what would it be?” And do that instead. If you do this enough you will realize that you have actually got a life. You are no longer watching porn feeling terrible about yourself and feeling like you need to get a life.
    8. Increase your self-esteem and practice self care. Porn use leads to low self-esteem and low self esteem leads to porn. If you are addicted to porn, it has become a self-hate spiral. So to pull yourself out of that, start to live healthy and alter your perspective so you can see yourself in a positive light. Take a look at the values you do have and the things you really do believe in and begin to live according to those values. Live from a space of integrity with who you really are. Do things you enjoy, eat a diet that makes you feel good about yourself, exercise, groom yourself in a way that makes you feel proud to present yourself to the world. Get outside. Help others. Helping others increases your self-esteem five fold. Seek out things that make you laugh. Start meditating or going to yoga classes. Listen to motivating music that inspires you to really live. Start focusing on things you like about yourself and find approval for the things you dislike about yourself. These are just some examples.
    Raise your frequency. For more information about how to raise your frequency look up my YouTube video titled: “How to Raise Your Frequency and Increase Your Vibration”. Remember that the more you can replace your porn use with more beneficial pursuits, the better and better your life will get. Also, if down deep you think watching porn is not a good thing to be doing, you can not watch porn and feel good about doing it.
    9. Now I am going to give you the most important tip of all. When scientists studied rats and drug addiction, they figured the substances were to blame for addiction. Until one scientist in the 1970’s Bruce Alexander discovered something interesting. In every test with rats and addictive substances like cocaine, the rat was isolated in a cage alone. He became curious about what would happen if he put rats in a healthy environment with friends. What was the result? The rats avoided the water that was laced with the addictive drug. The addiction was an adaptation to a painful environment, most especially one that is void of connection. Emotional isolation is the number one cause of all addictions on this planet. Sobriety is not the opposite of addiction. Human connection is. So connect with people. For more information about how to do this, watch my YouTube video titled “How to Connect With Someone”.
    It is my desire that sex not be associated with sin in the minds of men. We cannot be at war with our sexuality and become whole and complete beings. It is not my desire for porn to become the scapegoat for society’s dysfunction, which is how many would paint it to be. I’m all for being free and open minded and for embracing things that should no longer be taboo. But being free and open-minded is not the same thing as simply celebrating the taboo because it is taboo. I am open to the idea that in the future, when people come into alignment with the healthy relationship to and expression of their own sexuality, that porn could be beneficial. But the vast majority of pornography today is an empty package. And you deserve some substance.