We all want to be seen. A big thing that we want seen is our excellence. We want people to see the positive in us, such as what we are good at, our positive traits and what makes us stand out above the rest. But all too often, people do not see our excellence. And we end up totally twisted up into confusion and desperate to make other people see us. But all of this is done in vain and today, I’m going to tell you why.
I’m going to tell you something that has the potential to change your entire life. Here it is: The recognition of excellence is 100% dependent upon desire. This may seem like a small statement. But if you really get it, then you will understand why some people do see your excellence and why other people don’t. You will also see that you can’t get them to see your excellence no matter how hard you try because you can’t change what they want. This can be one of the most freeing realizations. Because if they don’t see your excellence, you have to stop trying to get them to and instead focus on the people who will see it specifically because they want whatever you are excellent at.
To illustrate this truth, I’m going to introduce you to a specific form of trauma that some people on earth suffer from. The most common thing that happens if a child is responded to as if they always have to improve something about themselves or whatever they are doing, is that this child grows into an adult that feels like they are not good enough. This person will most likely end up with no self-esteem and putting themselves down or boasting to cover up low self esteem. But this is still a more empowered position because if it is clear that you aren’t good enough, you can always get better. There is always something that can be done to improve and therefore hope of one day being acknowledged for their excellence. This is not the kind of trauma that the demographic of people I’m talking about suffer from.
There is another kind of child; this child is naturally talented at one or several things. In this situation, it is not a matter of boasting, it is clear that this child is excellent, if not the very best at something. But the reaction they get does not reflect and match that. It becomes a gaslight. For example, a little 8 year old girl is in a gymnastics class and is able to do a double backflip in front of the class. When she does this, the coach says ‘good job’ and invites the next girl onto the floor. This little girl, who is also 8 years old, does a cartwheel, and the class as well as coach erupts into clapping and praise. The girl who is clearly excellent and clearly the best cannot believe she is not good enough because it is clear that is not reality. It isn’t possible to gaslight herself in this scenario. The reality is that she is the best in the class and she is excellent and so that can mean only one thing… That they don’t actually see her, which makes her feel like she is living life behind a pane of glass and no one can see in. She begins to believe that if she could just make them see her, she would receive the acknowledgement and recognition that makes sense for reality. The trauma here is that life is a gaslight, where the people who are obviously, not boastingly much more excellent are getting no recognition of excellence. This is the most powerless position. It is more powerless than feeling never good enough, because there is no way to improve. If you are already obviously the best and not getting any acknowledgement that this is the case, there literally is nothing you can do to get it.
What this little girl cannot see is the actual desires that the classmates and coach of this particular class have. Most adults (this includes many coaches who work with young kids) want kids to be cute. It isn’t cute for a kid to perform so high above their age. It is unsettling in fact. And what do kids want? They want connection with kids they can play with. For this, they have to feel good about themselves. They do not feel good about themselves next to a kid who is so good at something that they are both hard to relate to and hard to maintain self esteem around. They feel a greater sense of connection cheering someone on who is at their same level or below it. Neither the coach nor the classmates in this scenario want one of the students to be a prodigy. This means that they will not acknowledge the excellence of this prodigy. Instead they will recognize the excellence of someone who aligns with what they want.
It is tempting to assume that people have specific desires, especially if they are in a specific setting. But this is not the case at all. Think about it. We assume what someone wants is to get better if they walk into a doctor’s office, but lots of people simply walk through the door of a doctor’s office for different reasons than wanting to get better.
Your assumption that people who are into self help and spiritual awakening are wanting to see reality, makes it impossible for you to understand why some people recognize my excellence immediately and some people do not. If you sum up what it is that I am the most excellent at, it is showing you reality. I function as an embodied mirror. For this reason, I am more like an embodied form of a shamanic medicine. And what do we know about reality? Often it really, really sucks to look at. This means, for most people, I am uncomfortable.
I need you to see reality for a moment. If I gathered up all the people on the planet earth today and took that collective consciousness and extracted the #1 human desire, it would be COMFORT. Most people want to feel comfort. And so, they do not want what I am excellent at. And so they do not recognize my excellence. If you consider yourself someone who does recognize my excellence and therefore does want reality, look at what had to happen for comfort to no longer work for you. We all like comfort but many times, seeking comfort pulls you in the opposite direction of facing reality and facing yourself. This is also why the very field, which I am supposed to belong to (the field of spirituality, self-help and personal healing) is the place where my excellence is recognized the very least.
Of the people in the world, the people most seeking comfort are those who gravitate to the world of spirituality, self help and personal healing. It is also why, if you haven’t noticed, I have no specific demographic. People who want to see reality and want the truth no matter what that truth feels like, could come from any walk of life. They could be that Caucasian multibillionaire business man looking for a new perspective on life, this single African American mother living in the projects, that doctor, this chronically ill person who has been failed by modern medicine, that emotionally neglected wealthy housewife, this homeless man, that random catholic nun, this random Buddhist monk, that 15 year old trying to figure out life, this gay man, that stripper in Las Vegas, this person sitting in prison etc. I am a teacher of the people, because my excellence is showing you reality. The people, who do not recognize this excellence, do not want that.
The recognition of excellence often doesn’t happen because our parents wanted something different in the child of their choice than what we were naturally excellent at. This is why our sibling that could adapt to become whatever they wanted, was the one who was loved the most. For example, a boy who is excellent at athletics in a home where the parents want their child to be intellectually excellent will not be acknowledged or loved for that excellence. A child who is a natural problem solver will be shamed for their excellence in a home where the family agreement is “validate one another”. The child who is excellent for being smart enough to see reality in a family where there is a family overlay, will be told he or she is too difficult and will be turned into the family scapegoat.
Everything works this way. We only recognize the value of things according to our needs and the excellence of something according to our desires. This applies to everything, not just the recognition of our personal excellence. For example, in a time of war, money suddenly has no value. Alcohol does, because that is what people need. If a person wants a car and you give them a horse, they will not recognize the horse as excellent, they do not want a horse. A friend will not recognize the successes of their friend if what they want primarily is to feel equal or better in the friendship in terms of social status. A mother will not recognize the personal excellence of her child if that excellence is different to her own if what she wants is a mini-me. A person cannot recognize the excellence of the best athletes in the world in any sport if they have never wanted to excel at that sport or wanted to learn about that sport enough to really care about the sport.
Excellence can be developed, but it is inborn. It is in you, like a pearl inside a clamshell. No person is born without this pearl. The universe does not benefit by redundancy. It is always interested in unique and non-redundant excellence. If you were created as a separate being (which you were) it is because you are an embodiment of a very specific form of excellence. But we often do not see this excellence. We do not see what we are truly excellent at. And if we did see it, we are likely to feel bad about what we are excellent at, instead of feel good about it. This happens for two primary reasons. 1. If we are naturally excellent at something, it takes us no real effort to do, so we don’t see it as anything special. And 2. If we have no awareness of what we are naturally good at, we most likely got no reflection for it or negative reflection for it because we were conditioned to believe it was unimportant, unwanted, bad or wrong by our parents and/or family and/or school and/or society who wanted something different.
When we do not see our own excellence, we look to compete with others to be better than they are at what they are good at. Instead of experiencing the joy of effortlessly offering what is second nature to us and feeling the self esteem inherent in this, we gravitate toward jobs and people and places where we have to try hard and gain self esteem out of our hard work. We do not feel the fulfillment of walking in alignment with our unique purpose, which entails gifting the world with the gift we were imbued with upon our birth. We also do not gravitate towards the people, places and jobs where people really want what we genuinely have to offer. So we feel consistently undervalued.
Excellence and purpose are intertwined. They are also inborn. It does not change over the course of your life, it only enfolds, grows or changes its expression. People tend to think of purpose in terms of a career, but that is super limiting and also one-dimensional. It also prohibits you from creating new positions to fill within the universe instead of fitting into a box. For example, a person’s excellence might be commitment or organization or problem solving or efficiency or athletics or achievement. This could filter itself into many different expressions. And it should be filtered according to what expression feels the very best to the person. For example, a person whose purpose is organization might turn into a world expert home organizer or a secretary or a construction superintendent. And what feels best to a person will feel like fun. The reason that fun is so different from person to person is that a person has different intrinsic motivation. They have different intrinsic motivation because they are a different part of the makeup of the engine of the universe and therefore have different excellence and different purpose.
The thing about excellence and purpose is that you always know what it is down deep. It is not that you can’t find your purpose or excellence. It is that it is always there, staring you in the face, and you are in total denial of it. You are rejecting and disowning it even. When you disown your purpose, you feel it is lost to you and at the same time, because it doesn’t “go away” you also feel like it is going to force you against your free will to do what it wants, despite the consequences of doing so. You are already programmed to hate your own actual excellence or at the very least to see it as nothing to be celebrated and not of much value. For this reason, the first thing to ask yourself, is: What bad thing might happen or negative consequence might occur if I knew my excellence and purpose and could no longer escape or avoid it? Really take time to answer this question. Most people are living inauthentic lives so it’s valid to fear that finding your purpose might blow up the structure of the life you already built.
To get closer to your excellence, think back to your childhood. Spend time meditating on two questions. 1. What did you naturally and intrinsically do just for the doing of it? If you are worried your answer might not reflect something you liked doing for the sake of dong it, rather than for the sake of the way you were praised for doing it, imagine that you had no audience at all. Imagine that you received NO positive feedback for it at all. Would you still love doing it? And 2. What were you naturally doing all the time that you either got no recognition for, or that you couldn’t seem to stop doing no matter how much you were given negative feedback for it?
We are willing to preserve our social connections and defend the idea that they are actual connections (when they are not) at the risk of anything, including denying our actual excellence and purpose. And no one can force you. Your purpose cannot force you to align with it against your free will. And this is a funny idea anyway because if you just kept going in the direction of what felt good and facing and resolving any resistance when it came up, you would chose your purpose with your free will because that is the only thing that would feel good to you.
You love to tell yourself that your parents pulled you sideways of your actual purpose and excellence because they knew what was good for you. But they didn’t. They knew what was good for them. They knew what they desired. And when you were born as something different than that, they tried to turn you into what they wanted without realizing that this universe always pairs parents with children who are a match to their actual desires. The reason they can’t see this is… ‘Be careful what you wish for’. If a person wants happiness and is unhappy because of a coping mechanism they have, they will be given a child who demolishes their capacity to cope in that way. They will think when this is occurring that this child is not what they want.
Another good way to get close to your excellence is to think about what you think other people are really bad at, but that you can’t understand why they are bad at. This always points to inborn excellence. A person, who is incredible at something innately, does not relate to others being bad at the thing they are excellent at because it is their nature. You can also ask other people what they think you are excellent at. Pay special attention to the things they say that make you cringe. Question why you don’t want it to be true that you are excellent at those things. What did you make it mean if you were good at that thing? Can you challenge that meaning?
The reality is that you will choose your social group, most especially your family, over your purpose and inborn excellence and essence and nature. But this means you don’t really have a social group and you do not belong. It means you are not wanted by them. It means they do not see how you are in alignment with their desires. And the biggest gaslight of all is when people say ‘I love you and I want you” while trying to change who you are into what they want you to be. We fall for that gas light all the time to the detriment of our own universal calling and physical lives. The parts of us that continue to stay in false connection need to see that reality.
You will only get belonging in places and with people that actually recognize your excellence because they actually want what you are excellent at. Your abundance will also only come as a result of doing this. On earth, value is exchanged for value. If someone sees something of value and excellence that you are offering, because they want what you are offering, they will give you something of value for it in return. Your best bet if people do not see your excellence is to show people how what you offer in terms of excellence and purpose is in alignment with their desires. But if they will not see it, you cannot make them and you cannot make someone un-want what they want.
Gravitate to the people places and situations where your excellence is recognized. And as a society, we need to learn to develop the capacity to recognize excellence beyond the super self centered confines of our own desires, so we can recognize the need for and excellence of every role. If we can do this, we can then direct those things of excellence to the people, places and things that want them most. I cannot tell you how much the complexity of human society and the human ego has reduced the expansion and efficiency of human society by not recognizing excellence and putting that excellence where it belongs and is wanted most, instead of trying to get things that do not fit into their personal desire, to change what they are.
I am ending this article by asking you to ask yourself these two questions. 1. In any scenario where you feel your excellence is not being seen, ask yourself, what do they really desire that is making it impossible for them to recognize my excellence? 2. If I knew that the recognition of excellence was 100% dependent upon desire, how does that make my life look different retrospectively and how would that alter the way I live my life now?