In relationships, our differences are like unique flavors that are complementary to the overall flavor of the whole dish. A beautiful relationship is one that involves both autonomy and connection.
Sometimes, we struggle with this concept. We lose ourselves in relationships and begin to perceive the relationship to be inhibiting to our freedom or swallowing of our identity. To enhance your awareness around this concept, I want you to watch two of my videos on YouTube. The first is “How To Develop Healthy Boundaries” and the second is “I Han Have Me and I Can Have You Too”. But sometimes, our struggle for independence and freedom within a relationship leads us to create real problems in our relationships.
On a vibrational level, as spiritual energy incarnated into a physical human perspective in this particular time space reality, we mush be a vibrational match to the people who we come together with in our life. This is the most true of our primary partnership, which is usually an exclusive romantic one. As we progress through life, we give birth to desires and those desires call us forward into our expansion. This forward progression causes change. In order to stay a match to people in our reality, we must change and progress in tandem. If we begin to vibrate at a different frequency and desire different things, we will eventually be led in different directions. This does not work for a partnership. It means the partnership will end. To understand more about this, watch my video on YouTube titled: “The Catch Up Effect, The Real Reason We Fear Change.”
What does this mean? It means quite simply that if we want our relationships to continue long term and if we want to feel good in our relationships, we have to BE ON THE SAME PAGE. When I counsel couples, every conflict I see boils down to this simple thing. The two people involved in the relationship are not on the same page. The differences between their perspectives and desires and therefore thoughts and actions about a subject are causing a wide vibrational gap to form between them.
In a relationship, it doesn’t matter whether one person likes chocolate ice cream and the other likes vanilla. There are a lot of differences of opinion that have no impact on a relationship. However, there are also a lot of differences of opinion that have severe impact on a relationship; things like one person wanting an open relationship and the other wanting an exclusive relationship. These are differences that if not reconciled, will cause an end to the relationship. These are genuine incompatibilities. And the real stress and pressure that is felt in a relationship is about these incongruences.
I’m going to break it to you in this way... In the world today, tolerance of differences is a social value. We love to say, “Agree to disagree” as if it is some enlightened form of acceptance. But it is not, it is nothing more than an unwillingness to try to really understand each other and find common ground. And guess what? Agreeing to disagree about things that have real impact on the choices you make today and thus your direction and thus your future, does not work in relationships. On a vibrational level, it is relationship suicide. It’s like saying to your partner, “Agree to disagree, so you go towards Japan and I’ll go towards Mexico and we can have a partnership from there”. It’s not going to be sustainable. This is why assessing compatibility is such a critical part of dating and forming friendships. And staying in a situation where you are putting up with being on a different page in a way that is causing you pain, is nothing more than endurism. To understand more about this concept, watch my video on YouTube titled: Endurism (The Flip Side Of Escapism).
If you are in pain in a relationship, I guarantee you it is because you are not on the same page. You’re trying to stay together despite the fact that there is a vibrational gap between you. You are in pain in the same way that you would be if you were trying to hold on to two sides of a canyon over a crevasse and the canyon was growing wider and wider and you were being ripped in half as a result. And the only hope of salvaging this relationship so it gets less painful is to get on the same page or part ways.
So what does it mean to be on the same page? It means being in alignment with one another so you are side by side, headed in the same direction. It means reaching agreement. It does not mean one of you gives into the other. It means you do anything you can do to find a meeting of minds so that both of you reach understanding, some kind of agreement and feel good about the direction you are headed. And this requires lots of effective and ongoing communication.
As people, we are in a state of constant flux. We change. And we cannot simply change our mind or our direction and expect our partner to be on the same page as us. Yet, this is what we do so often. We have very poor skills when it comes to resolving differences. We tend to swing to either ends of the scale. Either we give in and silently resent the other person and punish them in passive aggressive ways or we defiantly do whatever we want regardless of whether or not the other person is in agreement. This causes our partner to not trust us and feel abused by us.
What we have to get is that there is another option. To each become very sure of “where we are” emotionally and mentally and what we want so we can communicate it to each other. Then, we seek to find agreement that does not require sacrifice. We seek to find agreement that will feel good to both people.
The beauty of the fact that partners need to be in agreement to stay together is actually universally genius. It forces us to become aware. It forces us to have to expand our mentality and look outside the box so as to find alternatives that are potentially even better than either person had in mind to begin with. This is why it can be a great idea to involve outside perspectives in the attempt to get on the same page. People who are external to the relationship often see alternatives and solutions that both people involved were blind to.
It’s really important to realize that when most people say compromise, they really mean sacrifice what you don’t really want to sacrifice. This kind of compromise never works. It’s no better than agreeing to disagree. You cannot give up something that is important to you and accept what you do not want to accept. This only leads to emotional tension in the relationship and resentment. So, when you are trying to get on the same page in a relationship, don’t think about compromise. Don’t think about both of you giving up something important to you for the sake of the relationship. Think about trying to find a way that works for both of you where neither of you has to give up anything that is important to you. The point of trying to understand each other and see a disagreement from different perspectives is that just the act of doing this can actually change our point of view on the subject so we inevitably make different choices and go a different direction.
Sometimes, when our partner shares his or her perspective, we actually see that their perspective feels more right to our hearts and so we get on the same page as they are on. Other times, they see that our perspective is actually more in alignment and so they get on the same page that we are on. Other times, we both get onto a totally new page, but in alignment with one another. And other times, we find that what feels true and right to our hearts is to be on different pages and end the union in our physical life embodiment. We must allow for all of these potential outcomes when we set out to get on the same page with each other. But if it is a desire to stay together, it is more likely that the universe is simply using you both as a means to create expansion in you both and so, by intentionally finding a meeting of minds, you will get on the same page.
So, first identify what aspects of your life or subjects you are on a different page about where being on a different page is causing you pain. And then, here are some tips for getting on the same page with the person in your life who is on a different page.
- Express to the person that you think you are on different pages about something and tell them what that something is. Then, express your need to get on the same page about it and why that is a need of yours. It’s important to make this conversation be one where the style of communication is not attack and defense. It needs to be one that gives both you and them a positive, solution oriented feeling. From there, you both have to agree to sit down with the intention of getting on the same page. Chances are, they will be up for it because they are just as uncomfortable as you are about being out of alignment with each other.
- When trying to reach a consensus, you have to enter into the conversation genuinely wanting to find a meeting of minds rather than to win or give in. It is important to not abandon yourself and really speak your authentic truth, while simultaneously allowing the other person the space for their authentic truth. The goal at first is to fully understand each other.
- This is where you put forth your perspective. Often I suggest to people to separately write down their perspective about the situation. Essentially, I have each person become very, very clear about what page they are currently on. Then, both parties come together and begin by sharing what they have written down. The most important aspect of this exercise is to become crystal clear about what you each want in this situation and what you each need in this situation. Then communicate that to each other. Ask as many questions of each other as you can so as to enhance both of your awareness about the situation.
- The goal in our minds must be finding a solution or option that meets both of our needs instead of compromise. It needs to be a win win. In fact, if you put it like that, you can understand the energy of being on the same page. Both parties have to feel like they have won by agreeing. And if being on the same page means making any concessions, you must make sure that the concession is one you are genuinely ok with giving. If it isn’t, you’ll be on the same page for 3 seconds before you end up on different pages again and so the exercise will have been useless. So we then brainstorm different options that could bring us together in agreement. If need be, we involve other people in this process so we can see alternative perspectives and alternative solutions.
For anyone who is interested in some really great tools to use to resolve a conflict between people, I did a video titled: “How To Resolve Conflict” available through YouTube.
Relationships are the heart of our expansion here on earth. If we are suffering in a relationship, it isn’t complicated; it’s really this simple… you’re not on the same page at this red-hot minute. And if we want to maintain these relationships in a way that feels good, it’s really this simple… make an effort to get on the same page.