When it comes to love, people tend to think of it as very one-dimensional. They see it simply as a resource that people want to get. And they also see the ways that people feel loved as one dimensional. They only see that a person feels loved when they are given love. Most people don’t really understand that love is something that people want to give. In fact, to give love is a human need. And they don’t see that a person feels loved when the love they give is fully received. In fact, some people feel the very most loved specifically by their love being received. Becoming consciously aware of this aspect of love can be real game changer for you.
People actually need to give love in order to experience a state of wellbeing in their life. And they need that love to be received. There are many ways that a person gives their love. All of the multitude of ways that a person gives their love basically fits into the following camps of showing love: They may use words to uplift a person. To validate, appreciate, adore and praise them. They may spend time with a person, but specifically spending time with them that is of quality. They may put energy into connecting with someone through the mind. They may give gifts. They may provide for someone. They may take actions that make a person’s life more enjoyable and demonstrate their love through tangible support that requires their own effort. They may express their love through physical touch. They may put energy into pulling a person closer to them emotionally and supporting them emotionally. They may put their own energy into another person’s desires, goals and needs. They may protect a person and keep a person safe from harm. They may intentionally establish a relationship between themselves and another person’s non-physical aspect, so as to establish a spiritual connection. People need these demonstrations of love to be received. So, what does it mean for your love to be received? It means for the recipient of your love to be open to it, to acknowledge it, to take it in and appreciate /value the love you are giving. Receiving love often requires vulnerability. And this willingness to be vulnerable in and of itself in this way, is a gift of trust. It is a relationship affirming thing.
People often only recognize love in terms of what they are getting. For example, someone is getting love when they are being given a present. Or someone is getting love when they are being given physical touch. Most people don’t recognize that people feel loved by their love being received. For example, someone feels loved because the physical touch they gave was soaked up completely and someone surrendered to it, as if their whole being was saying “yes”. Or someone feels loved because when they gave a person a gift, that person acted excited and immediately put it on their nightstand, so they could see it all the time. It is deeply painful when the love you give isn’t received. When the other person isn’t open to it, doesn’t acknowledge it, doesn’t take it in and doesn’t appreciate or value it. When they push it away, and therefore push us away.
Even though we all feel love both by receiving love and by our love being received, all people fall somewhere on a scale regarding this. After all, we all experienced different things over the course of our life experience which effected the ways we give and receive love. Some people have a much deeper need to feel received than others.
Some people experienced deep levels of rejection with regards to showing love over the course of their life. Let’s go back to childhood to look at this one. Children naturally give their love. They demonstrate love towards their parents and if these demonstrations are ignored or pushed away or turned against, if they are not taken in and valued, the child will learn that he or she has no value. The child will suffer because of the perceived rejection inherent in this. They will suffer the feeling that no one is willing to trust them. They will also suffer from the distance and isolation that is created when they are not received. They cannot feel loved if the message they keep getting is: “When you put your energy forth towards me, I will not take it in. I.e. I will not take you in.” And when this kind of trauma occurs, a person will in fact feel far more loved by someone receiving their love than they will by someone giving them love. And the healing experience for them is to be fully received. For someone to soak up the love they give. In their love being received, they are getting so much. They are getting closeness, they are getting trust, they are getting the message that they are wanted. Their goodness, worth and value is being affirmed.
So that you can see an example of this, I’ll tell you about Amy. She was born to parents who had a problematic marriage. Her mother wanted her father to cherish her and make her and the family the center of his world. But this was not what her father wanted. He didn’t like being married, in line with the popular expression, he often referred to Amy’s mother as “the old ball and chain”. He had several affairs, one of which yielded a half-brother that he kept secret from everyone for ten years. He did not want children, nor did he particularly like children. And he was always at the racing track, gambling on horses. This left Amy with a very unhappy mother all the time. Just the two of them. Amy wanted a close, loving relationship with her mother, as all children do, especially since Amy wasn’t going to experience any love from her father; nor was her father going to receive any of her love. He spent nearly every minute he could outside of the home. And when he happened to be home, his entire modus operandi was “don’t bother me”. The problem is, Amy’s mother wanted a relationship with her husband. The man she knew he could be. She wanted his love, not Amy’s.
So, what did this practically look like? When Amy’s mom needed something, like for the trash to be taken out, she needed it from her husband. So, when Amy did it, her mother showed no positive reaction, only disappointment. When Amy went up to hug her mother, Amy’s arms were peeled off and she was told to go play with her toys. When Amy made things for her mother at school and brought them home, her mother didn’t react with any enthusiasm. Instead, she often criticized them. When Amy initiated spending time with her mother, her mother rebuffed it, always having something more important to do and acting like spending time with Amy was a burden. This is how it went with all displays of Amy’s love. Because to give love is to give of the self, she learned to relate to herself as worthy of rejection. As either a. nothing of value or b. something that people think is bad, like poison. She learned that she was not wanted and closeness with her is not wanted. That she has nothing valuable to offer. That no one trusts her. That she is powerless to the distance between herself and others. And a void started to grow within her. A desperate hunger to be received by someone. Amy spent many of her adult years trying to give her love to people who, like her mother, for one reason or another would not receive it. But then, she found Beth.
Beth was a successful entrepreneur with a cosmetics company. Beth had an endless capacity to receive anything that a person could put her way. She lacked support all her life. So, when Beth met Amy, she soaked up every little bit of support Amy gave. She wanted Amy around all the time. She was thirsty for Amy’s opinion, wanting to know what she thought at all times. She reveled in every one of Amy’s little gestures. Like when Amy did her laundry, she jumped on the bed and sniffed the clothes and was visibly relieved. Or when Amy got her coffee, she smiled and grabbed the cup straight out of her hands and savored it. Or when Amy gave her a shoulder rub. She couldn’t help but stop typing on her computer and she leaned her body back into Amy’s touch. When Amy bought Beth a best-friendship ring, Beth put it on and wore it religiously. Some people judgmentally call Beth a “taker” and Amy a “giver”. But what they don’t understand is that for Beth and Amy specifically, their relationship is deeply healing for them both. What onlookers are too blind to see, is that Amy finally feels so deeply loved because she is finally completely received.
Some people feel far more loved when they are given something to receive by the other person than they do in their expressions of love being received. And to the opposite, some people feel far more loved by their expressions of love being received by the other person than they do in receiving something from the other person. Unless we grasp this complexity, we will not be in a conscious enough relationship with love. Nor will we be able to find people who are compatible to us.
If you are someone who is desperate for your love to be fully and completely received, there are people in this world who are just as desperate to fully and completely drink your love in. There are people who are starving for you and who are in just as much pain in that deprivation of being given love as you are in that constant rejection of your love.
