Each and every person comes into this life as a unique expression of source consciousness. This means each person comes in with a unique essence, like an energetic signature. Their unique purpose and unique thoughts and unique feelings and unique desires and unique needs and unique role within the greater universe is embedded in that essence.
The socialization process (which parenting is at the core of) could be a process of enabling a child to unfold according to that unique blueprint. But this is not the world that we currently live in. We live in a world where the process of socialization is usually an impediment to this process of unfolding.
The people around you as a child look at you as if you are a raw substance that they can and should mold into what they think is best for you and best for them. They tell you that certain things are acceptable and if you are those things, you will be loved and safe. They tell you that certain things are unacceptable and if you are those things, you will be rejected and unsafe. Anything that remotely resembles something that will make you unsafe or make you meet with disapproval is then something that you feel vulnerable about. And you begin a process of splitting yourself. You put forward and develop only the things about you that make you loved and safe in the world. The rest, you keep hidden. By doing this, you become distorted. It is a process of conditioned self-distortion.
Your personality is in essence, fake. Your personality is an amalgamation of the parts of you that you identified with and developed so as to stay safe and away from vulnerability in the very specific situations that you were raised in. You suppressed, rejected, denied and disowned the aspects that made you vulnerable or got you disapproved of in the world. By doing this, they became subconscious. They are buried outside of your awareness and you most likely don’t know they even exist. This is how your truth was hidden from you. To understand more about this process, I encourage you to watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease.
One pattern that is a part of this socialization process, hid your truth in a way that conditions to fight to keep your truth hidden. It is a pattern of development and praise. Let me explain this pattern: Adults have a pre-conceived idea of what is ‘good’ vs. ‘bad’. This idea is going to vary from culture to culture. Once they form the idea of what ‘good thing’ they want a child to be, they will begin to pin point, develop and then praise the child for that thing. The child’s entire system is dependent upon this approval because it guarantees them closeness and safety with those he or she is dependent on. So, the child will identify with and develop self-esteem relative to that thing which the adults sought to develop in him or her. With his or her self-esteem now wrapped up into that thing, the re-owning of the suppressed, rejected and denied opposite part, now not only poses a threat to his or her safety, but also poses a threat to his or her self-esteem. With unsafety and shame as a barrier to cross in order to become authentic and discover the full truth of himself or herself, this person will fight for the skewed truth of themselves. This process is so subconscious, it is rather like your childhood experience conditioning a Pavlov’s response within you relative to your own internal character traits, which keeps the actual truth of you hidden. It causes you to defend the distortions within you as well as defend the idea that the distortions are not distortions, but are instead genuine, authentic expressions of who you are and what is true about you. But because this is not actually the case, there is no way for you to lead an authentic life and thus, no way for you to be deeply fulfilled in your life.
Here are two examples:
A girl who is raised in the cowboy culture is naturally feminine, bubbly and sensitive. These are traits which are seen as weak and pathetic in a culture that values being “cowboy tough”. This little girl is put into all kinds of situations in her childhood environment (both intentionally and unintentionally) that require the opposite trait of “true grit”. When she shows grit, she is safer and praised and admired and accepted. She is being conditioned by her environment and the people around her to be ashamed of, disown and bury her bubbly, sensitive femininity. She is also being conditioned by her environment and the people around her that she is full of grit and that she should be proud that she is full of true grit. By the time she grows up, the truth of her is skewed and hidden because part of the truth of her is literally invisible to her own vision of self while another part is exaggerated to take up her full vision of self. She is not only split, she is distorted. And it will cause her A LOT of pain. All her life decisions will be based off of true grit. The man who becomes attracted to her and who she marries will love this about her and most likely be the kind of man who is not looking to take care of a woman because he wants a woman who can fend for herself. The career she chooses will be one that reinforces the need for true grit. She has been conditioned to see women who are feminine as weak and pathetic, but she will nonetheless become more and more jealous of them and the way they are taken care of and protected. She may struggle with infertility, because she denies her femininity and the tissues of her body have been formed and continually fed with the message to be hard and closed so as to become like armor, which is the opposite of the soft, open, receptive state necessary for conception. She will be more and more unfulfilled because the needs and expression of the feminine, sensitive, bubbly part of herself have no place in her life and because of it, many of her deepest needs will not be met.
A boy grows up with parents that had children specifically to serve their own needs. They believe servitude is what they are owed for giving the children life in the first place. The parents either ignore or discourage any interest or behavior that does not benefit them directly. Instead, they encourage and develop his “helping” skills. He is daddy and mommy’s little helper. Whenever he helps mom with cleaning or helps dad with a project or helps them take care of a younger sibling, or helps out on the farm, he is praised. When they talk about him to their friends, they say he is such a good help. His self-concept and self-esteem is now tied to being a helper. He has been conditioned to ignore any other interests he has, to the degree he doesn’t even remember they exist or rejects them as selfish. He has become distorted. His life will be unhappy because he will make all his life choices based off of this identity he has now been conditioned into of ‘the helper’. He will choose a career where he is helping someone else to succeed. If he marries a woman, he will find a woman who needs support. He will most likely be so codependent that he loses track of his own likes and dislikes and interests and does not know why he feels so empty and like he has no core. It will feel like he has just somehow ended up in someone else’s life.
One thing to understand about authenticity is that when the process of socialization conditions a person to identify with and develop and wrap their self-esteem around one trait, it doesn’t mean that trait is false and the one that is disidentified from and buried is the actual truth of them. Both traits are in fact a true part of them. For example, grit is a genuine part of the consciousness of the girl in our example and helping is a genuine skill in the consciousness of the boy in our example. But so is feminine, sensitivity in the consciousness of the girl in our example. And so is interests and talents that did not directly serve the parents in the consciousness of the boy in our example. It is simply that when one is fed and the other is denied, the person becomes inauthentic because their expression becomes polarized and skewed. They polarize and distort and become unaware of the full truth of themselves and make life choices that do not account for or accommodate the actual, full truth of themselves.
The process of integration will reveal these distortions to you so you can bring yourself back into alignment. Chances are, if you are reading this article, your healing experience is in the process of revealing one or several of them to you. But to start you off, I want you to make a few lists comprised of the things that each adult caregiver in your childhood sought to develop and praise in you. When you have done this, make a list of the things that your childhood environment conditioned in you. For example, one person might write a list under dad like: Bravery, studying law, football, unemotionality, logic, honor, self-lessness, hard work etc. And under mom like: Kindness, academics, hard work, honor, gratitude, self-lessness, putting family above myself etc. And under environment this person might write things like: hard work, selfless-ness, academic success, duty to elders etc. Looking at these lists, see if you can feel how that conditioning may have distorted you. What might it have caused you to reject, deny and disown in you? What might it have caused you to develop and exaggerate? How might that have negatively affected your life? How might it be negatively affecting your life now?
For example, the person in our example has found out that a trait that his mom, dad and environment sought to develop and praise is hard work. Any part of himself that is seen to oppose this, like fun and spontaneity and relaxation most likely got suppressed, denied and disowned. He doesn’t think of himself as a fun guy and also immediately despises the idea of relaxation because he is afraid of becoming lazy. He derives his self-esteem from being able to call himself such a hard worker, especially because it makes him better than all those shameful, lazy people in his life. But is he happy? No. He might realize that this distortion that he was conditioned into has made it so he doesn’t do things that come easy to him. He only chooses to do things that don’t come easy to him. He might realize that his body is breaking down and he has back issues because he runs himself into the ground working all hours of the day. He may realize that he attracts people who are lazy because they know he will do all the work for them. He may see he doesn’t spend enough time with his loved ones because it feels un-productive.
When a person is conditioned to wrap their safety and self-esteem up in an element of their consciousness, while being conditioned to reject another element of their consciousness because of believing it to be unsafe and shameful, the truth of themselves will stay hidden (even from themselves) until the pain of this internal distortion and the pain that is the result of the life choices they will make because of this distortion, is so acute that they can’t maintain it anymore.
But it is possible to recognize and develop parts of yourself that you have rejected and denied and have become unconscious of as a result of this process of conditioned distortion. It is possible to come back into a state of alignment, a state where your embodiment reflects your true essence. In fact, one of the very best ways to do it, is through what many experts now call parts work. To understand how to do parts work, watch my video titled: Parts Work (What is Parts Work and How To Do It). You do not need to be afraid that un-distorting yourself will lead you to become shameful and unsafe, like they led you to believe. That is simply the conditioning that caused the distortion speaking.
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