Conflict is one of those things that most people fear. And when it happens, getting things back into alignment is definitely an art form. So, today, I’m going to give you a hack for conflict. One that will help you to avoid conflict in the first place as well as help you to resolve conflict if it occurs.
Conflict is really about someone (potentially both people) being negatively impacted in some way. In this context, what we mean by impacted is, affected. For example, say that you are married and you spend a chunk of money in the joint savings account. The impact of this may be that your spouse loses a sense of security and control, so they start to feel unsafe, like they can’t trust you (the very person who they should trust most), which can then make them feel alone. And they may end up set back because they were working towards a financial goal. Impact, which is implicated in any conflict (or would be conflict) can happen at any level, physical, emotional, mental, energetic.
If we want to resolve conflict, we need to figure out the way that a person was impacted and directly address and resolve that impact. There is almost always a vulnerability wherever a person is impacted and because of this, people tend to not put the impact directly on the table. Instead, they tend to just get into an endless argument about the surface elements of the conflict at hand, when the impact (the thing we are really stuck on) is something everyone is dancing around and alluding to. You will only make headway when you figure out how the other person was impacted and you directly caretake that impact.
When we are in a conflict, especially when there is pain involved, we tend to slip into a head space where we go into self-preservation mode. We become concerned only with our own pain and our own best interests. We stop caring what is going on for the other person. It may feel like we do not have the bandwidth to care. And potentially even more than that, we may feel like we actually want them to hurt. This is the single biggest barrier to recognizing the impact as well as caretaking it. For the sake of the outcome we want, which is to resolve the conflict, we need to hold our own pain and the ways we are impacted, but to the side for a moment, while we take our awareness over to the other person, so as to perceive their pain and how they were impacted.
To give you an example of what I mean, Zach has a coworker named Vihaan. Zach is an IT developer. He wants to release a new system feature on some software the company owns. Vihaan is an operations engineer. He reviews the code and refuses to merge it with the existing software because he says it introduces dependencies that might compromise system security. They have been arguing for days over this and the situation has escalated to their boss. Zach is now accusing Vihaan of blocking innovation. And Vihaan is now telling his boss that he can’t work with Zach because he is reckless and irresponsible and is a company liability. When Zach really takes time to figure out the impact on Vihaan, he sees that it is Vihaan’s job to make sure the server uptime is as high as possible. His job is dependent on system stability. And it is his responsibility to make sure that no update causes a crash. Vihaan is terrified that his responsibility, reputation, integrity and job are on the line. If a system crash did occur, it would actually be blamed on Vihaan, not Zach. Zach sees that these are the things that need to be resolved in order to move forward. So, Zach says to Vihaan “I get that if something goes wrong with this, that it is your head that will roll. If I were in your position, that would freak me out and seem really unfair. And you’re damn good at what you do, I would never want it to seem otherwise to this company. Zach then suggests that he can input an automated rollback script so that if the system fails, it reverts instantly. And that if they release it over the weekend, he will stay on call, shouldering the responsibility with Vihaan. And that they can do a soft launch, which is only visible to a very small percentage of users. Zach also involves their boss in the discussion and suggestions, making sure to paint Vihaan in a good light, in that he really has the security and stability of the system as his utmost concern, rather than to paint the picture that Vihaan is a blocker who is against company best interests. All of this caretaking of the impact, softens Vihaan. And Vihaan agrees to the soft launch. Becoming aware that all that was happening is a clash of incentives between them (Zach in his job being rewarded for change and Vihaan in his job being rewarded for stability), it did not feel personal anymore. They actually had a good time together over the weekend where they had to monitor the release. And really getting to know Vihaan’s motives and ways of thinking have made Zach’s interactions with every operations expert more successful. This has made Zach even more valuable to the company.
The best-case scenario is that both people in a conflict are really recognizing the impact on the other and are proactively caretaking and resolving that impact. In our example above, Vihaan could have done this instead of Zach or as well as Zach. But any time you want to take the power into your hands to resolve a conflict, recognize the impact on the other party and caretake/resolve that impact.
Zeroing in on impact can also help us to avoid conflict all together. This is all about getting out ahead of situations so as to minimize (or better yet, to eliminate) the potential impact. For this to work, you need to pre-anticipate what the impact could or would be on the other person. As an added benefit, doing this builds trust like nothing else does. You can consider this an exercise in proactive empathy and proactive compassion.
For example, Raveena is a sales rep at a construction firm and she just landed a huge client for the company. This client is super ambitious and wants their project complete in three months. It is very tempting to simply sign the contract. After all, this is great for Raveena. She gets one hell of a commission. But she is someone who stays aware of and caretakes the impact on others. She knows that if she signs the contract as it is, the project manager, Bill and his entire crew will be immediately in trouble. They would have to work 80-hour weeks minimum and skip all weekends and holidays to meet the project deadline. She starts to take proactive action to buffer and protect Bill and his crew. She goes back to the client armed with proof about construction quality in general and sells them on the idea of quality. Explaining that a five-month window is what would ensure that the highest quality building and safety standards are met. The sells this as a benefit to the client, rather than a setback or delay. She also meets with Bill and asks him “what is the one thing that usually causes your crew to fall apart on a tight schedule? Bill says “permit delays”. So, Raveena adds a clause to the contract that says the timeline only starts after the permits are approved, so that Bill does not suffer on account of something totally out of his control. Because Raveena caretook the impact, she prevented Bill being in pain, she prevented a conflict with Bill. She prevented burn out, turn over, quality risks and safety risks. And she protected the company from the potential of losing the client due to missed deadlines.
To caretake the impact, the skill to develop is to see the other side. To step into their perspective and shoes so to speak, so you can understand their current reality. You need to consider things like: What are the consequences for or on them? How might this make them feel? What might happen to them? What are they trying to protect? What is the hardest part for them? What need do they have that is being threatened? What are they afraid of? What constraints are they facing? Who else in their life is impacted and how? What message will my words, behavior or actions send to them? What do they value most? What could this mess up for them? Etc.
A game that you can play is the “and then what?” game. This helps you to see the downstream consequences or domino effect for someone else. To play this game, start with the thing that would initially impact a person and ask “and then what?”, meaning how would that negatively affect them? And to that answer, ask “and then what?”. You will get another answer. And to that answer, ask “and then what?”. Keep doing this until you have a full picture of impacts. For example: Say you are running late and you decide to leave your dishes in the sink. You want to figure out the impact on your partner, who you live with. You ask “And then what?” the answer is: My partner will come home after a day at work, wanting to decompress. And they find the mess I left and won’t be able to. “And then what?” They will have to make the decision about whether to wash the dishes or not. This is pressure I am adding to their plate. “And then what?” They feel resentment because I have given them a chore, rather than acted like an ally to their decompression. “And then what?” We are at odds. This is something I hate, but that’s about me… the impact on them is that they don’t feel like they have a partner who is an ally. Rather, they feel like they have a partner who behaves in ways that oppose their wellbeing. And this will make them feel more alone in the world and burdened. “And then what?” This does damage to the connection between us. You could keep going if you want, but you see pretty quickly what the impacts are and what impacts you need to directly prevent and/or caretake.
Don’t be afraid to ask the other person (and/or other people around them) questions as well so as to be able to accurately ascertain the impact. You can do this with impact that has happened, or even better, you can do this pre-emptively to ascertain would be impact. Human beings in general do not operate in the world in a way where they caretake their impact on others. Whether that is another person in their life or whether it is another species in their environment. This is what the cruelty in the human world is really about. People behaving as if they don’t care about their impact on that which is “other”. Getting more personal, some of us grew up in households where our parents did not really consider the impact on us. They did not consider the impact of the things they said or didn’t say to us. Their behaviors. The things they decided. The things they did or didn’t do. It was as if all that mattered was themselves. This kind of interpersonal experience teaches us that we are out for ourselves and we do not learn to attune to impact in general. We operate in a way that is oblivious to the impact on others. And, ironically, even though we move through the world in a self-centered way, we are not attuned to the true impact of things on ourselves either. The skill of attuning to impact is something that we need to develop now, in our adult life. But it is my promise that impact awareness will transform your experience in any and all of the relationships in your life. It will transform your experience of the world.
