Attraction is arguably one of the greatest elements of unconscious human behavior, even amongst the most conscious people. It is like a two-sided coin. On one side, it can be a feeling state of the highest blissful excitement. On the other it can induce a feeling state of the lowest desperate suffering. For this reason, it is time to ‘get sober’ in order to understand the reality about attraction.
People mistake appreciation, attraction and love for the same thing. All three can potentially be present in a relationship but they are three distinctly different states. To appreciate something is to recognize the value or worth of something. It is to recognize the positive about that thing.
To comprehend attraction in relationships, you must zoom out. When you do this, you will see that attraction is very simple. It is a pull in the same way that wanting is a pull. This pull occurs on a kind of sliding scale; from preference to wanting to needing to craving. Attraction is always an indication that there is something you are wanting or needing and it may be something you are not consciously aware of. Usually, the more attracted we are to something, the further away we feel that we are from that thing we want and therefore, the more desperate we are for it. Attraction may be an indication that something about the other person is what you are wanting in a partner. But we often make the mistake of thinking that attraction is always about the other person. Often, it isn’t. Instead, it is something we feel when we think we will be able to experience something we are wanting or needing when we are with them or associated with them… Something we can secure for ourselves through a mutual commitment like dating or marrying.
Attraction is a call for personal expansion. Recognizing what this thing we are wanting or needing is, is the necessary ingredient for conscious choice. You might quickly see that the best way to go about getting that thing you are wanting is different than getting into a relationship with that person. If we aren’t conscious of this, we can become like a person so desperate for food that we eat a poisoned apple or so desperate for one thing, that we lose other things that matter in our life.
Attraction is not love. It is self-centered. Attraction is about something we want and need for ourselves and our own well-being. It is about something we wish to add to our life experience. Love is not. Love is the conscious choice to take someone as a part of yourself and therefore their best interests as a part of your own. Attraction and appreciation merely makes this choice easier. It makes the choice feel less like a choice and more like a compulsion, at least in the beginning.
Here are some examples: A female client of mine became attracted to a man. When she really examined what she loved about being near him, it was that he is very wealthy and therefore very powerful. This made her feel protected. It elevated her status and with that, her self esteem. Also, when she was with him, she was not under so much pressure to provide for herself. What she was wanting was the relief from financial pressure, protection and safety and also status and the esteem that comes with it. There is nothing wrong with these desires. But only once she saw that this was what she wanted could she evaluate whether being in a relationship with this man was the right conscious decision for her to make. Or whether she should go about getting those things in different ways. One woman might have decided it is right for her and him to enter into a relationship. This woman decided consciously against it because when she imagined him losing all his money, she no longer had any desire to be near him.
One male client of mine became attracted to a woman. She was beautiful and super ambitious and emotionally explosive. He was the exact opposite of her. At first, the relationship felt exciting and fulfilling. After a while, they started to fight. His lack of ambition began to bother her. Her ambition began to bother him. They never had the same priorities because of it. When they would fight, he would become withdrawn and she would explode with rage. When he examined the attraction consciously, he saw that she embodied all of the things he had disowned within himself. He saw that she was so much like his mother that a part of him believed if he could get her to prioritize him over her other ambitious desires, it would be like his mother choosing to do that instead of always having higher priorities than him. He realized that he needed to end the relationship because the better way to heal that childhood wound would be to choose a partner who would prioritize connection like he did. And that his own expansion would be better served by re-owning his own ambition and his own emotions. In truth, they were completely incompatible especially in that they wanted drastically different things.
One male client of mine became attracted to another man. This man was stable and doting and older than he was. When he examined his attraction to this man, he realized that he wanted stability in his life and he wanted to do that in tandem with a truly committed partner. Even if he was not in a relationship with this man, there were things he genuinely appreciated about him. The things he wanted for his life were the same as what this man wanted. He made the conscious choice to love this man. Because of this, he decided that the best choice would be to consciously commit to this man. They are now happily married.
The first problem that we get into when it comes to attraction is the meaning that we assign to it. Because we don’t understand that attraction is an indication of wanting and because we think attraction is the same as love, we assign false meaning to attraction when we feel it. Fairytales and Hollywood do not help with this. For example, we make attraction mean that this person could be ‘the one’. We make it mean that we are meant to be together physically or emotionally or both. We take it as a sign from the universe pointing us to our perfect partner. We make it mean that we must be compatible at our core; and if we aren’t, it’s just a matter of time or healing before we will be. We make it mean that we aren’t meant to be with our current partner. The actual meaning of our attraction can be far, far from this as so many people have painfully found out.
The second problem that we get into when it comes to attraction is overlays. When we feel attraction to someone, we are usually unconscious of what specifically we are wanting or needing that we feel we can achieve via that person. And because of this, we project our own life fantasy over that person. When we do this, we fail to see them at all. When we feel that attraction to someone, we ignore anything that is telling us that in reality this person does not match the vision of what we want for ourselves and for our life. We do not recognize incompatibility where it exists. Instead, we become like casting directors. We mistake attraction to mean that this person is the character we have been waiting for in our vision of our life that we want. Any sign that we get that suggests that they could play that character well makes us convinced that they are actually that character in reality. But the truth is, they are not. We are not in love with the actual person. We are in love with the character we want them to play in our life. When they act in character, we approve of them. When they break from character, we disapprove of them and try to criticize them back into character. It is critical for you to understand overlays when it comes to understanding attraction. For this reason, watch my video titled “Overlay, What Prevents You From Having a Real Relationship”. When we are in an overlay in a relationship, we are like moths flying towards the flame thinking it is moonlight.
The third problem that we get into when it comes to attraction is the failure to recognize attraction as a greater calling from the universe towards a state of unification. This is a concept that you must understand in order to fully understand human attraction. Our consciousness is not in a state of unification, it is in a state of fragmentation. The universe itself is in a state of fragmentation. To understand this in depth, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease. We identify with the aspects of us that kept us safe in the world and ensured our wellbeing. We suppress, reject, deny and disown those that don’t. This creates ‘splits’ inside us. It polarizes us internally. Polarity implies attraction, just like a magnet. When oneness is the underlying truth of the universe, then polarity (two) will forever be finding a way to become one. Our being wants to integrate and become whole. If we identify with one polarity, our attraction will be to the one that we suppressed, denied, rejected and disowned.
This time space reality operates according to the law of mirroring. Whatever is inside us, will appear externally like a reflection. This means, we will meet people who are reflections of that which we have suppressed, denied, rejected and disowned and when we do, we will initially feel attracted to them. This is the universe’s way of trying to get you to integrate but in an externalized way. The thing is, when you get close to them, you will eventually run into the very same resistance that caused you to separate yourself from that polarity within you. You will then reject, deny, disown and oppose that external person. This is one big reason why attraction so often turns into pain. Attraction is so often an indication that you have suppressed, denied, rejected and disowned a part of yourself long ago and are receiving a calling to re-integrate that part of yourself. Doing so is the only way to be sure whether someone is actually compatible to you. It is also a powerful way to eliminate the ‘crazed craving’ you might have for that person who you know does not contribute to your wellbeing.
For example, imagine that at four years old a little girl’s dad leaves the family. Her mom has to get a full time job, so she isn’t available either. This little girl really needs and wants connection and she is scared and needs her dad and mom. But there is no one to be there for her. Therefore, she has to cope by splitting. She will deny, suppress, reject and disown that vulnerable part of her. She will create a part of her that can climb on top of the counters and get her own food. She will create and then identify with this part of herself that is fiercely independent and that keeps her emotions hidden behind a wall and that has no issue being alone. When she gets older, she will continually find herself attracted to men who turn out to be childlike, needy, clingy and emotional. Being near these men causes her to feel that denied, suppressed, rejected and disowned part of herself. She hates it because it’s painful and instead of integrating that part of herself that she pushed away so long ago, she pushes these men away the same way that she did that part of herself.
The fourth problem that we get into when it comes to attraction is that the body also has wants. This is where biology comes into play and it comes into play strongly. These wants from the body create physical attraction. The science of attraction and the biology of reproduction fall into this category. If the body wants to breed and wants strong offspring, it will respond to pheromones for example, regardless of whether the person with those pheromones is compatible to you in other ways. I will never forget a conversation I heard between two women. One women was doubting whether a man was right for her because the quality of their sex wasn’t the best she had ever had in her life. The other woman quickly retorted, “You don’t want the best sex you ever had guy… That guy is in jail.” And I had to laugh because there is a teaspoon of truth in what she said. Just because there is physical attraction does not automatically mean that it is the right relationship for you. In fact, physical attraction can be the thing that gives rise to the very strongest overlay. If you think you may have this issue, imagine the person you are attracted to being incredibly unattractive, ugly even. Watch how they behave and see if you would appreciate them still and how you would feel about their behavior.
Pay attention to how you feel having heard all of this. The fifth problem that we get into when it comes to attraction is that we love it. We love the fairy tale. We love the Hollywood story. We fight for the butterflies in the stomach feeling. The reason we fight for it (aside from the fact that the chemical release that happens in the body in response to attraction feels good) is because we subconsciously feel that the underlying current for attraction is desire. If anyone tells you to question your attraction or to go for a relationship that is based off of conscious choice instead of fierce attraction, all we hear is “don’t go for what you want.” It creates a feeling of drudgery. The reason for this is that our parents raised us this way. They raised us to do what we have to do not what we want to do. They raised us to oppose our own best interests and desires for what they thought was best for us. We became miserable as a result and uninspired.
Attraction is one of the only things strong enough to survive this “killing off of the internal guidance system” process. It is one of the only things strong enough to force us to follow our feelings towards what we want and really feel alive and excited for the future. And here’s the thing, if you unconsciously make decisions at the mercy of your attraction, there is nothing wrong with that. Doing so is far better than making decisions that oppose your desires. It will lead to intense expansion. Just remember that so will running into a tree at 70 miles an hour. The universe has no interest in you denying your desires and needs. What it does want is for those needs and desires to be conscious. And believe me, if you were conscious of them, you would be going about getting them in different ways than you are now, including getting into relationships. Don’t take any of this awareness about attraction to mean that the message is to deny your desires.
The sixth problem that we get into when it comes to attraction is that we believe attraction is an indication that we are compatible with someone. This is especially true when our attraction comes from the desire for someone to be ‘like us’ so we can feel belonging and not feel lonely anymore. This creates a ‘cut from the same stone’ or a ‘the only two of the same species’ feeling. But attraction in no way implies compatibility. In some cases, attraction can imply the exact opposite. For relationships to work, they have to feel good to both people in the relationship. We are conditioned to believe that love triumphs over all. We have been conditioned to believe that if we are genuinely a good person, we should be able to have a feel good relationship with anyone and everyone, regardless of what role they are playing in our lives. But this is completely false. Incompatibility is the condition of two things being so different in nature and so uncomplimentary in that difference that they are incapable of coexisting harmoniously. It is tempting to assume that incompatibility is simply about having differences. But what incompatibility is really about it is putting people with these non harmonious differences in roles or positions with each other that require there to be either no difference or that require a difference that is non harmonious in nature to be harmonious. When incompatibility is present in a relationship, it is only a matter of time before either one or both people in the relationship will feel shame for the way they are and for what they want and also feel totally unloved. To understand this concept in depth, watch my video titled: Incompatibility, A Harsh Reality In Relationships.
Attraction is going to be a part of your life. It will be there because it is caused by desire and fragmentation, which is a current reality of life on earth. Unlike love, but like desire, it is not a choice. Attraction for other people won’t stop just because it is inconvenient or you know it comes from a shadow or you’re in a relationship or married. It is simply important to know where that attraction is coming from and why it is there. From there, you can decide consciously what to do in response to it. If what you are wanting is overall wellbeing and happiness within the relationship, the choice of who to partner with must be a multi faceted choice and a conscious choice, not a compulsive one. The way you will experience the relationship with that other person within in your own body is that it will be an exhale, a relief and relaxation in your body. It will feel like coming home as opposed to an inhale, a tension and an excited craving. The more conscious you are of what you really want, the easier this will be. The further you get on this path of awakening, the more it will feel like you are appreciating everyone and choosing to love everyone and selecting what role to put people in your life based off of compatibility and genuine priorities.