Im still fixated on someone who hasn't spoken to me in 4 years. I’m in a lose-lose, where I don’t even want to get over her but I also don’t know how to forgive her for the abandonment..
When I was two my dad gained custody over my twin bro and I and we saw our mom every other weekend. This is now repeating with the one I love.
Im arrogant enough to believe we’ll be together again but fvck. Im permanently disfigured.
Im negotiating with the universe through suicide sometimes.
I can’t hate her for this. Because then I have to admit that I dont love her. It’s important to acknowledge this is her free will.
Just like how my mom had excuses (seemingly perfect excuses) i want someone who will never have an excuse to not choose me. But even then, that dream can only be half fulfilled because I resent every moment I cant feel my “other”.
losing the religion (of her/myself) is not easy and if im being honest im already doomed. This relationship is already doomed. I cant forgive god for not being here.
The Rationalization of Suffering
even if I arrive at heaven, why was I apart from it ??