Bekah

I think my six year old self would be triggered/in disbelief and surprised that I wound up mattering to people to the point where I became a healer. She wouldn’t know what to think, if she could even focus enough to actually comprehend the vision or reality of it. She would either see it as a flat out lie or want to believe it but be afraid of ridicule. I think she would feel like it’s a trick. But if she did understand she would be elated to see that I do and did eventually become someone who not only is of importance but that I have something to give that will be received. To feel like I matter (some of the time). And by that I mean my habit of “people pleasing” isn’t as masochistic and has become altered and more controlled into a benefit for me and others through my purpose that reaches people in a way where they really don’t know why, but I helped. Sometimes even on a bad day, I don’t even know why, but I did. I prefer to keep that part of my career as “anonymous” to the recipient as possible because I still have a fear that it will either be ridiculed or be a vibrational match to energy leaches - which is a HARD boundary to keep up since I have a desperate want for acceptance. I also fear that their own resistance will deny them the connection that they are yearning for. I am a massage therapist and along with my knowledge of how to physically help people with their muscular system, I weave love into my practice through just accepting that the person I am currently working on may just need someone to care about them, like I did - like they may have been deprived of and don’t know how to ask for or even know that that is why they are a match to me… I don’t know. I have worked to recognize that I absorb from them what isn’t mine and have had to create a mindful practice to not do that. As far as what she would have me change, my first thought is nothing because it is way better than she could have ever imagined. But if she knew the path, and knew how fucking long it took for me to get here (even though I have a LOT of work to do) I think she would say I’m glad i still get to brush Jackie’s hair, play with my doggies, and play in the river, but you are beautiful and I can’t wait to be able to truly feel that one day. Thanks to whoever is listening. Our projections and manifestations have purpose and the suffering that we face with our resistance is not in vein. I love you all. Mono no aware.