Being silent for most of my life.

Zomg! My heart leaps with joy! *fanfare dances* Thank you so much for your response, it means the world. I was so choked up writing that message, I never even thought it would resonate with anyone on this spectrum of my life. Interconnectivity is the best, most amazing gift of all. May you and your hubby have a fantastic holiday! Grand Finale, a symphonic Final Fantasy VI album is one of my very favorite I play on Christmas but I also enjoy the newer indie game soundtrack offerings like Transistor by Darren Korb (the Supergiant games are stellar). Ah, I hope to chat more soon! Noel!

I used to be around horses a bit in my early teens and I remember 'horse cookies' with this story. So sweet to hear, I loved this Christmas tale. I had a hard time with horses then, since my mother was obsessed with collecting pets and I would fall into the caretaker role for her hobby. She had a horse named Charlie and eventually, he was adopted out. He was a skittish Tennessee Walker who thankfully hadn't had his legs weighted for show but was definitely not ideal for riding. He spooked at everything and I primarily learned how to be very sensitive around horses, and humans, lol. I just had a little inner work moment where my teen self and I made Charlie some Christmas oats in my safe space, which apparently now has a stable somewhere. We both held the little cup and he seemed to enjoy it. Charlie threw my mom off of him once and she suffered a very bad concussion. I was around 12 and I was mad at her, mad at him, mad at not having a 'real life'. The life I did have was a caretaking life, of all the pets and my mom. After the head injury, eventually, my mother stopped paying board and Charlie was placed with other owners on the ranch where he was boarded. I was relieved and confused. What I had wanted to stop, had but life was then just the subtle hope of the inspiration I gathered in playing Super Nintendo RPGs. There were tragedies, electronic symphonic resonance, there were random battles. There were boss fights. I am now an Audio Production major and work for a creative Production company in Los Angeles that specializes in creating pop culture and indie/vintage video game experiences. I am moving into artist housing next week (I made the leap 2 months early to fully follow my dreams in a completely aligned environment); I want to make video game soundtracks (and also sing); I was so inspired by the 'grip', the feeling of traction and relevance that video games gave me in the wake of those lonely, cold, exhausting days at the stables. They were beautiful too, but desolately so. My favorite spaces in the Final Fantasy series for Super Nintendo were 'save points' where your entire party would be safe (no enemy encounters at all in these spaces, no unexpected threat typically unless there was a story event that lead to a battle). My mother's horse related injuries had hurt her physically, so I began reading my game adventures out loud to her (there is a LOT of dialogue in RPGs or role playing games). She had loved it. So, we adventured together in the living room and my sister would join for the adventures while she read or did something else. I was always the player. It was like playing a musical instrument that was a story as well. Many gamers make a living doing these types of walkthroughs on YouTube and this was very much like a fireside version of that. It delights me and inspires me though it also confuses others who are not so gaming inclined. I would have these epic moments and feel inspired... To create these stories one day. To create the music. To be free. To play! With others! To be seen! Finally revealed to enjoy the world with other 'experiencers' of it. Teal, I say this today and I am going to my very first synchronicity workshop in Los Angeles on February 1st, 2020... You were my save point! Thank you for all of your teachings. I knew there would be real party members out there... And real spiritual women warrior leaders. I knew it! I have chosen to live my life fully, to receive and express fully and to gain new experiences in my journey of awakening. I hope to connect and make great friends at the workshop! In loving memory of Ram Dass as well, integrating one's practice is everything. Practice is in mucking the stalls, refilling the water buckets, spreading out the hay, making hot oats (gifting hot oats), building levels, making it to save points, journeying forward to new places. Practice is integration, interactivity, a uniting of consciousness on the planet. How wonderful to be available on the planet to be gifted and to be the gift. I had to endure a whole lot of pain to be able to get here. Thank you, teacher. Teal, thank you for teaching me how to gift hot oats. May you be blessed.

Aw, I love this. I also just saw the frequency painting of Creativity for the first time in Let the Universe Choose Your Message... moments before watching this (It's hanging in the background). Christmas magic ahoy!

Just pulled mine - Expectations. I've pulled Blame a lot though this week and have been disconnected from others because of it. I've had what I feel is success being less blaming of myself and others and thus more connected. It was challenging though. I live in Los Angeles and to say the energy is harsh is an understatement. Doing what I'm authentically capable of where connecting is involved and especially with myself.

This very much helps to talk about, I have been diving into observing my communication styles and realize I am very much a repressed non-verbal communicator. Service has been my biggest love language and I feel like I've been screaming 'I love you' in it for many years. I didn't understand it well until I heard of the love languages and took that approach to seeing expression. It does help. I also realize that since my mother capitalized on this a great deal as a hoarder and unstable caregiver, I became a bit of an automaton, seeing love as only an exchange for service (highly Christian upbringing, so this was praised or ignored as normal practice). I spent this weekend with The Blind Spot deck, which at first felt like an internal bludgeoning (resistance to the truth hurt), and I was so disappointed in my progress as a human. But then, I kept using it and read more about it. I got to know the Sigils better. Now, I see how I have identified with all these aspects of me that were hoarded false aspects to 'get' love. But I don't have to 'get' it as in find the way to pry it out of others (a normal way of being in my childhood until complete apathy arose). Now, this is a time of complete flourishing, my wires are uncrossing, my joy is returning. The thorns have been pulled out of my heart, my Paw and I see I have been throwing the shade everywhere to see my own light. This has been retired for going directly for what I want. I noticed I even wait to eat my favorite thing last on the plate because I had to devise ways to look forward to things. The concept of hardship and famine was too real. The muteness of interaction, wealth, heat in the winter. Now, I know as I am authentic, and especially in love languages, I am who I say I am and I receive who I know myself to be. This is enormous change and I am grateful. I am the change. Thanks, Teal. It hurts to do this work, and I love the change I have become. I love the loveless version of me as she integrates and speaks up finally. The exalted version of that existence feels so much better. She sings loudly when authentic to do so. I believe I also see writing as a gift I give to others. I had a dream a while ago where I saw writing appear on a wall (it was very Harry Potter, not gonna kid), 'You are called. You guide others in their calling. You are gifted and you are also a gift'. If that is the case, I can see why it hurts so much not to get a response back when I write. But I can work with this information. I can figure out where this fits because I know the pieces fit. Instead of leaving a gathering early (a Friendsgiving of kindred folks), being trained to believe I 'overstay my welcome' by parents and caregivers, I expressed how much it meant to be staying around others and how healing it was and I was accepted, warmly received and invited to return often. I may even live in this house soon and am very excited. This expansion led to looking for more work so I can be secure (something I struggle with because of fear of being in a pattern of jobs I don't want to be in forever). I feel very ready to blossom in these areas. In this journey of going from non-verbal to verbal, I am learning to open up (I fear talking to people because of being rejected and alone, so I'm coming into being consciously present and not bulldozing to be heard either, which is a surprising reverse behavior I'm seeing). What a great weekend of authentic self discovery.

@vatya Ah, absolutely! Perfect timing! I was actually sitting with the Sigil Deck and the card 'Their Goodness'. I have trouble seeing the goodness in others right now so I can use all the insight available. Thank you so much.

@vatya Thank you! This week has had a lot of strong messages for me (Wow, I am humbled by my shadow sides). I take them to mean I'm a match to them for my overall experience, then dig into my intuition to see what it means in the moment I am seeing it. The Blind Spot Deck has revealed a lot of intense shadow, so the sum of the work here is to go directly for what I want and to be authentic. Happiness wasn't safe for me as a child so I made sadness my core self concept. I've been stuck in blame and accusation forever and have a new awareness of how I was working internally. With these messages, especially the frequency paintings, I see them as frequency shifters that allow the lower vibrations concerning them to surface and become integrated. It's been intense! Happy holiday, I hope you're well!

I love this idea! Today, I leveraged 'Let the Universe Choose Your Message', which lead to the video choice 'When Happiness is Bad' and the frequency painting 'Aplomb'. A beautiful encouragement of confidence. In my first time using the Blind Spot app, the card of the day was '54, The Positive', which was literally the same message. This was so encouraging and magical, I wanted to come here and share it with everyone! Encouragement in hard times that the path opens to happiness and joy with authentic expression. That one does not have to be sad to be 'good'. I can sing and have fun, and share joy, even when others despise it. Finally!!! Yay, a great idea! @vatya

Plant based frozen dessert pie slices. Yoga-urt! (Don't worry, they deliver nationwide.) Sometimes I get so stressed, I don't want to eat too much but these frozen treats entice me! I just had an icy interaction with a co-worker and acquired some smokey quartz to process the negative exchange. The strong reactions of men, even if nonverbal trigger the living ish out of me. I trigger a lot lately, so I leverage the CP for what ails, get answers, process, heal and snack heavily, lol. I like to walk to process as well. It sucks when everyone around me on my 'teams' (I'm a part of 3 currently) are like non-responsive versions of my internalized parents. I hate it, not even gonna try to like it. But I just purchased The Blind Spot deck so let the games begin. The Universe and my Higher Self have scouted these folks to help me integrate, so I hope they have their favorite snacks picked out. It's about to get festive in their subconscious, hatoraide laced holiday petri dish.

Love love love this so much. Thank you! Love you!

I would most definitely follow Teal (and probably spiritually have followed her) into Mordor. My heart is with her and all of the folks on her Team as well as the folks on this forum. Humanity needs humanity more than ever right now. Reprieve. There is so much to gain by dredging the bottom layers of the 'drudgery' mire. The deadened, hardened layers of my life have given way, jaws gaping open, misery pouring out of me eagerly. This has been my week of diving into soupy 'grey areas' of shallow looking shadow in my life that I plunged neck deep angrily and grief laden into. It took my breath away with its coldness and depth. I got throttled by 'embarrassment' wounding and sat for days in and out of it leveraging CP. I trigger about 'embarrassment as punishment' at the slightest nudge, so it's been tender work. I joked with my guides earlier that I feel like A New Earth terraformed, a tenderized steak. I feel completely new and like I've been maxed out. I rested today regardless of due dates though I have very lenient and understanding college instructors. I am feeling the endgame 2019 burn here before 2020 comes marching in. I love you all.

@vatya Thanks so much, I have embraced my villainy this week and realized that I have let go of 'needing others to like me'. By doing this, I am allowing myself to not need to do anything to gain anything from others. It was the most loving and gangster way I could achieve freedom from obsessing over status with others, if that makes sense. I'm open to being the villain but also open to being authentic, either way. If I am a slave to kindness, then I abandon free will for determinism anyway! So, here I begin a new journey altogether. Very exciting. If I'm not trying to get anything from others, or achieve to gain something, my life is comically easy, lol. I'm going to work with Teal's painting, 'The Way' this week and see what happens. Much joy to you!

@vatya Hi Vatya! Oh, man I've gotten OBE and a LOT of Acturian Grids actually. Thankfully, I also got Festivity, which has been lovely to study with. I just watched the Chicago Workshop's Pt 2 last night and honestly, my creepy shadow self saw itself in the mirror; it's the part that wants significance and the sharing of other peoples' limelight (even if I thought it was for collaboration purposes - I'm a musician), but I realize now that I can find my own stage and let all the shadow fizzle out. I'd rather be terrified and solo on a stage that's mine than an energy sucker that has the backlash of the century for not going directly for the expression I desire to embody and express authentically. Whew, that was the wake-up call of the ages for me! What a crazy group shadow! I feel better now, but I really felt like a horror movie last night after watching it, like I was in sudden realization of going from the heroine to the villain! It's been a day of purging and healing, that's for sure. Boundaries are very important if we want to live an authentic life, that's for sure.

@BeyondTheRim That's cool. And it really is a great thing to bring awareness to all, especially with the more difficult topics. I didn't think I liked learning new things anymore, then I returned to college and it's been better. I had to dissolve a lot of core concepts and unravel what was inauthentic to my actual learning journey, then what I actually wanted to learn began to surface and appear clearly.