Last night, I was unpacking my carry on while simultaneously doing parts work when I happened upon the 3 clothing items given to me by my father's significant other during a recent trip to my hometown of Baltimore, Maryland. I picked up the white thermal he used to wear, and I began to sob. He recently passed away, and it has been a healing journey of very visceral purges like wet knots in my stomach and heart contractions.
I very gently packed the belongings away with other beloved items, and sat in meditation for a while. I've been working with Teal's vibrational painting print, 'Receive,' and I actually felt an aspect of me kicking and screaming because it couldn't accept the vibration of it. I was able to find a memory of being stuck in my crib as an infant where I was left alone, and I was kicking, locked up, and it felt like I was so upset I was both seizing and dissociating. Typically, I go into a memory afterward with my guides, and remedy things intuitively. This time, Teal was there, and scooped my infant self up, where she held me. 'I had to,' she smiled in the memory. I was able to see this, and feel that my infant self knew it was safe, and forever safe in the collective safety we all share in being 'together.' I was able to 'close' the memory within my own 'campus' or 'memory castle' (or 'sanctuary') that one creates for TCP though I've been working with my created space for much longer, and felt resolution.
My water fixture in this space is like a tank where I can allow the water, suspended in a cube, to wick out all kinds of inner pollution, purify tendrils of energetic murkiness, and whatever else might be needed.
It was during this session that I realized I was seeing myself in the womb. I saw an embryonic version of myself, and through divine guidance brought the vibration of 'Receive' into it with me. 'Hi,' I said, elated to see myself. I had a release, and began to cry as I told this being she would be received fully, in love, and that she was beautiful. I felt these emotions genuinely, and was so delighted. The expansion in my heart space was like a creaking glacier, gleaming with sunlight. The ice in my being had been touched by presence, the light of consciousness. 'I am the womb, the womb I am,' I thought. 'I am the chrysalis, the chrysalis I am.'
This evening, there was a part of me that did not want to work on my penultimate college class project. A couple of my guides and I spoke with her in the 'campus' space, someplace comfortable. She looked about 14, and wanted to be a kid. Upon speaking with her for a few moments, I asked, 'Is it that we're about to go on to another class, and you don't want to miss our instructor?' I had a huge break, and began to cry once more, my heart released deep ache. I was able to go back to when my younger self around age 6 had grown attached to her teacher, and was traumatized to leave her behind. I was able to allow her teacher and my mother to become friends, and host after school activities for other little girls who were art sensitive like I had been. This resolved the trauma, and my family home became the warm, bright, bustling place I had always wished it would be.
In my 'campus sanctuary,' the 14-year old had been playing with other girls her own age for a bit. I was sitting with one of the guides I'm closer with, and we were talking some things over. Recently, a coworker had shocked me in a bout of feedback that had manifested as cold statements about the series I've been creating for many years. It's become bigger than the sky, it feels like. 'No restrictions being applied' one of my guides just pointed out on this page. Yeah, parameters will be set shortly. I realized my 14-year old had come back. She wanted to reintegrate with me. We were present with each other for a little bit, and I wanted to make sure this was what she wanted because there was no rush, but she was ready. So, I allowed for her reintegration, and for that of any other part of me stuck in 'freeze', or in 'numbness.'
What I saw was truly beautiful. I saw a mental landscape like that of a Chronicles of Narnia mini-series I watched as a child. Like a scene near the finale of The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, I saw icy landscapes beginning to thaw, as in spring. I invited all parts of my being to join in with this springtime thaw, and I heard a great 'crack!' as if the stone table had split, a glacier had broken in two. Creaking continued, and became running water. I felt renewed, and 'begin anew' kept scrolling in words across my mind's eye like in a content creator's video. Warmth touched my being, and my divine feminine energy began to flow throughout this experience. I felt instantly reborn, as I had while in 'the womb' the night before.
These miraculous experiences are such a gift. I'm truly grateful to Teal Swan for The Completion Process, and for everything that I'm seeing reborn in my life. I'm turning my penultimate project in a bit late, but now, there is another time, and another place for everything.
I've had a very cathartic weekend/Monday. I've been gorging on workshop videos since I became a Premium member, and I'm seeing the LOA in action nonstop. I have both avoidant attachment, and anxious attachment styles. I also have a 'starving' part, and a part that needs to be received. One parent would not take anything from me, and the other could not take enough from me. I'm in the middle of healing through all of this, and it's been one gush of releasing trauma following another. I just started attending college online, and have a couple close friends that support me through the worst. They accept that I do deeper practices to heal. I am figuring out how to be my most authentic self and continue to do parts work when sometimes I am genuinely surprised that I don't know what I don't know.
I unearthed a trauma after 'blacking out' during an extended conversation with a coworker. I can't remember most of what we talked about. Criticism triggered me, and it was like a part of me channeled my higher self and spoke with him, and another part of me was frozen in resin. The coworker and I spoke until he hit my heart with several comments regarding the book series I'm developing, and it was like squid ink was released in a dark, heavy spurt from my entire being. I've read in A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle about the Pain-Body, and how it's an entity that releases during trigger moments, and I've experienced this before, but not as severely. It was not fun. I walked home from work with my hand over my heart the whole way back to my dorm, (I take online classes for audio production, but I live on a campus that helps people through outreach, and residential programs). I felt like I'd visited a butcher when what I'd required was a surgeon. Why hadn't I left?
There had been a deep wound exposed, and I worked through a session of TCP when I got back to my dorm room. It revealed that my father had told me, 'no one is ever going to read your books,' as I'd create them from scratch, writing them, stapling them together around the age of 5, and I tried to show them to him. He would not take me, or them as part of himself. He recently died, and it's been incredibly painful to purge the waves of grief. We were close because of shared traumas, and he created another family after abandoning my sister and I at the ages of 17, and 15. Together we mourned this stoic tyrant, and deep thinker, a retired contractor who's 6 year battle with cancer had exhausted us all. I'd known a different version of him since moving to Los Angeles, California after a 27-state road trip, and spoke with him in short conversations. It had helped a little. We had all done as much healing as we could. I had decided, having been deeply hurt living close to him that living far away made sense.
I've been on the sidelines as a 'Tealer' for a long time. I watch videos, I study, I put into practice what I learn, I have a hard time reaching out, as I have many deep wounds, and have been through a lot to begin anew on the West Coast. My new goal is to begin interacting with like-minded people (like all of you who are reading this), and those in the industry I'm wading towards.
While speaking at my father's 'celebration of life', the last thing I said was a Beatles quote. 'And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.'
I want to be the change, and to take others as myself more than ever now, even though so much pain has been surfacing. I know I am on the correct path. I had thought for a long time that I wanted to be a recording artist, but now I'm seeking more of an audio production role. I get to sail the ship, I get to create the ship, I get to create the water, I get to manipulate the water. I am the ship, I am the water. I am. And so it is.