lsolace

Rewatched, thank you Teal 🙂

i wish i'd asked a question and watched this live. thank you for everything you do Teal.

i constantly feel like i'm fucking up and hurting everyone around me, and in the world in general, and i've always felt that way. but now it's even more intense (especially after this interview) because i'm now realising the weight of the impact the individual has on the collective. i need to become stronger. thank you Teal

Sister ❤️

my problem is i've known for many years that i get it, but everything keeps standing in my way and knocking me down. i look out and see a firewall in my path, and i don't know how to break through it. i suppose there comes a time when we need to just feel the fire.

thank you

it's going to be painful to watch this because i wish i'd been brave enough to go, but i'm looking forward to learning. thank you Teal, i'm sorry and i love you.

the only real hell is isolation... and i'm terrified that separation is beyond my control. i've been scared of this for so long now. can you please suggest something on this? the building a reality for one thing? i understand that the universe isn't against me and is just trying to conduct a full system liberation, but how can i overcome the fear of burning forever in hell? the concept of the "second death"? how can i forgive myself for everything and not feel like i've condemned others to the same thing? i'm sorry to ask this but this fear has been so painful for so long and i believe i've had good reasons to be scared of it.

i'm realising i have an issue with "exalting" my idea of god and projecting it onto those i perceive to have more power than me. it's like i believe that they have the power to choose what happens to me, which is obviously a state of determinism rather than free will, because i'm giving my power away. because i feel so powerless to others' perceptions of me, i therefore run away so that they can't judge me. and i judge myself so that it hurts less if they judge me as bad or not good enough. my terror of being rejected by teal, for example, i imagine is far greater than most other people, because i perceive her to be so god-like in her knowledge awareness etc. if she saw something bad in me, it'd break me. i know this is because i had such an overbearing and dominating father growing up and every wrong move meant potential danger, so i had to give myself up in order to fit in with him. i believe i was a classic case of the golden child. first born, only daughter, 2 younger brothers. i had to mother both of them because they weren't safe from my dad and my mom wouldn't protect us because she had her own issues. so i feel responsible for everything and everyone. i feel like a lowly peasant on the street trying to catch a glimpse of something vast and beautiful - so my idea of god. i feel like "god"/those i project my idea of god onto could crush me at any moment, and i'll be left all alone (in hell). sorry for ramble/rant there, hope it helps someone and/or makes sense.

thank you ❤️

the pain of not going in the direction of who i want and feeling impeded by others is too much to bear anymore

dedicating myself to something without giving up