Single Status Update
Day 299 of 'What would someone who loves themselves do?' Confide.
The more stuff I check off my list, the more capable I feel about my future. Meanwhile my partner is moving into the town I live in and my family may be selling the property I live in to move into the area where he just came from. I'm learning about time management while nudging myself out of habits of procrastination. I have things I want to accomplish and 15 tabs open on my laptop of things to learn, buy or tasks to take care of at any given time. I went from not reading to having nine books on my reading list. It all sounds so busy, but in reality I'm using the same energy to aim toward goals instead of just aimlessly. This has been going on for 10 days, and with all this momentum, and a wee bit of learning curve stress, I'm surprised it hasn't been a month already.
I'm very triggered in between all this personal growth when looking at my partner. I have my father's eyes and I'm picking at him in hard judgement. That was for instant gratification, that was irresponsible. I'm not sure you're strong enough. How can I respect this decision, or that weakness? It's not like I'm living my life any more nobly. In fact, my complaints are double to his. It's like I've all the sudden decided I'm going places and if you resemble the old me, I can't tolerate it. He's kind, considerate, nurturing, and perfectly on board with big changes for himself. His house of nine years is on the market. He's released the majority of his possessions right down to 4 cats and a dog. Why am I so hard on him? I want my inner voice to leave him alone, so I can enjoy his company and he doesn't feel alienated by his girlfriend. Alas every action of his I interpret damned if you do, dammed if you don't. I've lost faith, and I suspect that doesn't have anything to do with him. He's just one big trigger.
How do I turn off the judgement of taking all your animals to the non kill shelter? If I pull away when I disagree with something, then it's controlling. It sends the message you have to do what I say to be loved. You need to be behaving in a way I think is responsible, and not led by instant gratification emotions or manipulation. If I don't agree, am I supposed to be nurturing when I'm conflicted? Don't bottle your emotions in right? I tell him how I feel and it just comes off as constant criticism for the way he's running his life. I feel our trust with each others feelings is gone. I honestly don't know how to do any different than I'm doing. It's painful to see myself as ruthless as my father who hurt me so deeply. I now feel the intense frustration he felt for me as a child. How's this for a circle? I dated my now partner at age 18 and left him because he was gentle and more on the softer side. Then I dated guys who I thought were strong. They ended up controlling, judgmental and are acting just as badly as I am now. I said enough of that and manifested this gentle partner back into my life 17 years later as a mirror of myself and now I am my father as an adult woman with his maturity.
It hurts to write this, but I do because I want resolution. I want to be a loving person, not cold acting from trigger after trigger. Deep down there is a voice that says why do you get to have this, be gentle, less than perfect and still be loved. I didn't get that. I didn't get nurtured, or things beyond necessity. Besides this dot in the darkness, I don't understand, or see resolution. Do you have an insight?
Let it go. Forgive yourself, forgive your Father and start over accepting that this is your new life and your new partner who's more important than anything else. I was angry at my step daughter until i accepted that she might be living with us for the rest of our lives. Not something any of us wants but the reality is there. If you accept the worse case scenario as something you can learn to live with then reality always seems to be more or less better than the worst case! Accept the worst, encourage the best and give your heart. Forgive forgive, forgive. No matter how bad it gets its still better than being the wreck you were on day 1 of 365. Count your blessings everytime you want to complain and thank God for your new life.