Single Status Update
Day 243 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'
I need what I can not attain. I long for a satisfaction that I can not sustain. It rots inside me without external expression consuming me as I lay stagnant and unmotivated. Take me away from this, cure me, fill me, let me live again. If this is it then it is to suffer enjoying moments of beauty in between uselessness. One internal thought ruins me, my health, my ambition, my dreams. You're not good enough; because you want it, it can not be. Smart enough to see it but not change it. I wade in the guilt for not doing differently. I could. I should. I would. Fill me, give me the energy follow through and believe in myself.
Days pass into weeks months and years and I'm just laying here wishing for change. I slowly stop dreaming of the possibilities and accept this in resentment as my reality. I'm jealous of others accomplishing things, judging, what makes them better than me. A silent hate brews masked by despair. I'll give into a blessed cursed life supported by another or maybe I'll just die unlovable without care. Limbo reeks especially with moments of ecstasy reminding me of how how life could be.
I whine like a child exhausted and resentful for the way I feel off my healing diet. No temper tantrum will make my body function like another eating and living the way they live. Infections, pain and listlessness leave me laying in bed all day just waiting for him. Now I see I'm burning out. He has his own challenges and can not rescue me. I see beyond my hormones and judge him for my own insecurity. Triggered. Is this right? The most magnificent scenario would be flawed and cause for worry in my mind. Out of the hole I strive questioning the thinking that landed me here in the first place.
If the healing diet healed you, then the path to healing is through the diet that healed you before. You may never be able to go off it but at least you know where healing can be found. Have faith, have courage. Be Blessed. Eat well, be healthy so you can be a blessing, so you can love.