Single Status Update
Day 226 of 365 'What Would Someone Who Loves Themselves Do?'
I want to talk to the aspect of myself ready to push an amazing partner away. 'Present.' How old are you? 'I don't know early double digits.' How do you feel? 'I remember the time when I was 14 and sent to stay with my aunt and uncle and three cousins in a loving home. I was provided for and treated with kindness, yet at the same time it was like they couldn't fathom that I had just come from living with a 21 year old cleaning and doing my best to provide for him in a wifely capacity. When I arrived to family I told them everyday "you don't want me." As a family respecting my wishes they thought I didn't want to be with them so they sent me away after two weeks. I was only testing them. I was so happy. It was a big adjustment. I then went to a miserable situation with my father ultimately resulting in my running away. I didn't get how they could accept me. I couldn't accept how happy I was for the first time ever laughing myself so hysterically on a typical night at dinner I would loose a bite a food with my eyes watering. I didn't want it to end, yet I prepared for it, and it did. I returned to what I knew, a life of struggle and suffering responsible beyond my years.'
That sucks Emily. I understand why you are so guarded now. Your heart was broken again, and by a situation you idealized. Hugs. Sit with me for a moment. Consider, neither your aunt or uncle knew how to communicate with you. Just because they gave up before trying doesn't mean something was wrong with you. You were starved for unconditional love and didn't know how to receive it. Any amount of research would have told them that. Do you believe me? Do you believe it's not your job to be perfect and know everything at 14? 'I guess, if you put it that way.' Can you see now that they made a mistake? 'Now, ok. Maybe.' Let's talk about your guy for a minute. The beautiful man that calls you his love and his partner. How do you feel about that? 'Like it's going to end quickly so I better find faults now so it's not so fucking painful.' I see. What if the very act of finding faults causes you to pull away and it ends sooner? 'I don't know, it's too good to be true. Something is going to change soon. I'm just preparing for it now.' Ok. I hear you, I'm listening. This man isn't your parents divorcing. This man isn't your uncle sending you away. This man isn't another emotionally available insensitive person you have to guard yourself from. Do you feel the truth in this? 'Ok, yes, whatever. Stop pressuring me.' Mule it over love. It's actually a really wonderful thing to believe.
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I very much agree with you. It's about catching myself before the spiral.
I think the key is developing an internal observer, sometimes called the executive function or higher self, who can watch your own thinking and learn to see the patterns that lead to negative states of mind and negative behavior. Maintaining an attitude of gratitude is essential for peace of mind and living with grace.
Be grateful for having an Aunt and Uncle who could show you love even if you couldn't accept it at the time. Become grateful for having a dysfunctional family so that you can help others deal with their dysfunctional relationships in the future. Embrace the pain as a pathway to resolving the conflicts and contradictions left from past injuries. we can't know pleasure without pain, we can't know peace without first facing conflict, we can't appreciate life without recognizing the inevitability of death. We can't have ups without downs, enjoy the journey, it's an adventure, not a destination.